I have ascended!!! Paimon, Food, and a Productive day.

 

So, I have been playing Genshin Impact for a little while now. I think I started it at the beginning of this year? Might have been last year, anyway, I took the plunge because cute/hawt/smexy anime characters, amazing graphics, and beautiful sound tracks really appeal to me and I missed PC gaming... like... A LOT!  I'm still playing D&D, of course. Any way, meet Paimon, if you haven't already. She is adorable. I think a lot of people find her annoying, but I find her precious, especially when she is throwing a tantrum. She gets to angry! I just want to hug her. She is not emergency food and anyone who says so is in for it!

Paimon isn't the only character I adore. Zhongli is my husbando and Xiao is my son. Diluc and Kaeya are my other husbandos and Althaiham is my boyfriend. There are others... of course and Tighnari- purrr!  I really do love this game for more than just pretty anime men and ladies. I enjoy the character arcs and story line too. I have cried a couple of times because of this game and even today, I just finished a compelling quest that made me a little teary-eyed. But...
I have ascended!!! I can level my character up to 80 now. I'm gonna do it a little slow because I need to level up a couple of other characters- of course I have to go grind and beat some bosses to get components to do that, but meh. All in good time.  

Apart from all that silliness, I have had a rather productive day considering. The last several months have been a struggle and maybe, just maybe, I am coming out of it? I hope. I have a lot of work to do. Anyway, I made a meal plan, grocery list, and did the big grocery shop today. The weather up here is hot, too hot for this time of year, or at least hotter than it has been the last several years. 

After that, Selene (a.k.a. Amanda) helped me with some of the meat food prep so we could get it into the freezer. I made a trail mix I can eat and portioned it out for snacking. Then I made dinner. 

I mixed taco seasoning in with really lean ground beef and a southwest frozen veggie mix, then stuffed some bell peppers full, added cheese, and a little water to the pan and baked them. We had salad to go with them. Because I didn't eat lunch today and hadn't been keeping up with my water intake, I ate two stuffed peppers. Tomorrow will be better on the remembering to drink water and eat. 

And, today, I managed to get a little basic selfcare in too. That's been a struggle for me lately as well. But, teeth are brushed, face is washed and moisturized, and meds have been taken. Oh and I brushed my hair and braided it! At this rate I might even do make up tomorrow. 

Well, time for bed. Mr. Thorin needs some cuddles and I really need to sleep if I am going to get up and get a painting done tomorrow.   

I'm just really sad and want/need a little time with it and why I sometimes wish I wasn't here.

 

Tolkien created a beautiful world. It has its downsides, all worlds do else there wouldn't be a story, but the few bright stars who are good and honorable, the ones like the Hobbits and Aragorn, Legolas, Gimili and yes even Boromir, and Gandalf, make his world the kind of place I wish I could live in. Sadly, it is fantasy and more depressing is that this world will never be like it. Maybe, once upon a time, long ago, long before Henry the 8th, Julius Ceaser, and further back... Or maybe it never has been and jokes on us. But this is not a new thought or revelation to me. I've always known most people were shit, most people are self serving and ugly, and if you find good ones like Aragron, they are rare. But again, people are human and it is the way it is and all you can do is expect the worst and hope for the best. 

Today. Is. Not. One. Of. Those. Days. Today... today I would sit back with nice cold glass of water, a hand fan with my cats in my lap, my wife and closest friends, choice family next to me and watch this entire world burn and not to do a damn thing to stop it. At least that's what I'd like to think. It certainly appeals to the need for vengeance. 

I've read some shit lately that, if even one hint of it is true- and as more time passes, it's looking more and more like it is true- yes I will be cryptic- then my inner need for vengeance is screaming and raging and flipping tables and lighting fires. I am sure some of that will abate with time. Maybe it won't. But right now I just want to be angry. I just want to wallow in it and decide what to do with it all tomorrow or the next day. 

That reading aside, I have other reasons to want to rage like Grog. There is a person in my local community who is very sick. I used to try and put myself in her shoes, to sympathize with her life struggles, the abuse she says she's suffered. I got red flags early on, having grown up around some very questionable people, but I quieted it, trying to give her some space to settle down because of all the shit she was dealing with and all that stuff was A LOT!  I wouldn't expect anyone to be completely sane after just the medical shit let alone the abuse she said she's lived through. However, everything imploded when another friend set a boundary that was repeatedly ignored. Hell, I set a quiet boundary that was blatantly ignored time and time again. Since then, this individual has behaved like a stalker, tried to get to the one who set the boundary through other people and any avenue she could, involved people who have no idea what the hell is going on 'to make them fix it'. She has no remorse, refuses to take responsibility for her actions and its sick. 

A cease and desist order has been issued. It's really fucked up. I told my wife, who is frankly shocked that this is even happening, that she hasn't actually had to deal with real crazy and I know why that is. I am a whale with resting bitch face and when I dress in my goth clothes and make up, people find me scary or at least unapproachable. But she scares a lot of people away with her loud, spazzy antics. Crazy wants stable, not competition. So we've been fortunate to not have had to run into it in long time. Never thought I would ever think of my wife's brand of silly, obnoxious, antics as the perfect shield, but here we are and yes, I chose this and had 10 years to bail but still married her anyway. I guess I actually love her.  But all levity aside, this too makes me sad because it's getting a little scary and frightening to see the friend who laid the boundary have to deal with this all while dealing with so much of her own stuff. Boundary friend has had some heavy losses, is dealing with losing a family member as we speak mentally and physically, and has a very depressed other family member. 

Which leads me to another sadness. I am sad for the loss of a friendship that, in public view is still there and loving, but that I know is a complete lie. I've been deeply hurt by this friend, many times. I know it is my responsibility to speak up, but I have been very afraid to say anything, even thinking that I would be making something out of nothing. I gaslit myself out of fear and years of societal conditioning from shitty people. I will take responsibility for not speaking up, but, if myself or my wife were as important to said friend as they said we were- and they said we were family, which to me is pretty fucking important, then why ignore us? Why invalidate our existence to our faces? Why blow us off and cancel repeatedly?  And I thought I was just being too sensitive, that this friend is very busy and I just need to be chill and be that chill friend who isn't a bother, but they've done it to three other friends and are now doing it another friend and even being just plain mean. It's not just us. Given what I know about this person and the shit they've dealt with, I understand, to a certain degree, the how and why some of this is happening, but still... its upsetting to watch someone else go through the same questions, the same confusion, and the same hurt. I told said friend, 'you know, in a few years from now or maybe several down the line, they will be lonely and won't have any friends left. And that's on them. We may not have done everything we could, but we can only do as much as we have the energy for and it's a fucking two way street". The façade of laid back, easy going perfection isn't worth burning bridges and friendships.

I have some other frustrations and anger over some political shit happening in this country and the disgusting lack of basic knowledge and the willful and deliberate continued ignorance of the people who run this country and that is on both sides of the fucking isle. Your ignorance is not your fault but it is most certainly your responsibility to fix it. Especially when we live in a day and age with libraries and the internet. Don't you dare tell me what I can and cannot do with or to my body when you don't even know how it fucking works. There is a lot more to that and at least a baker's dozen other issues I could get into, but I won't for now.

My last three sad/ scary things of the day are- no make that 4. The first is that I am sick and that makes me more prone to whining. But I am going to try and get into the doctor for what I think is a chest cold. While I might look some shit up online, I always present it to my doctor and defer to them. Like "I think it might be this, yes, I googled my symptoms, but you went to school and I want your opinion and would like your help to make it better please and thank you".  I actually have a really good doctor right now and I very much appreciate her.  

Okay the 2nd last sad/scary thing. My Grandma has been having some black out spells. She is 95 years old and has had them before. She and my Dad landed in the cardiologist's office and after a 2 and half hour wait, the surgeon came in and told her he thinks she doing everything she can do that is right and to keep on doing what she is doing- taking the best care of herself that she can, resting, monitoring blood pressure and so on. He said he could do a suggested surgery on her but given that she 95 and as we age our hearts get weaker and more fragile, he truly believed he stood a greater chance of losing her on the table than actually helping her. He did say he would do the surgery if she really wanted it. She didn't. They thanked him for his honesty and left.  I know my Grandma has been without Grandpa for several years now and I know she is 95 and we don't have much time with her left, still doesn't make it easy knowing she'll leave us soon as well.  I also pissed her off by telling her I would fight God I would fight him to keep her. She was not impressed. 

And that brings me to my Mom. She had a really bad episode. Dad said she was out longer this time and when she came out of it, she wasn't totally back yet. She could get up and go to the bathroom on her own, but all he could get her to say was that she was okay. But she watched the cable menu screen all day. He said he told the doctor today that he hasn't looked it up, he's in denial- with understandable reasons-, and scared and worried that she may have Alzheimer's. He doesn't know for sure but he said that it's like she just slowly slipping away. That's not my Mom. She doesn't give up. She is a stubborn bitch and will fight tooth and nail. I told him that she told me that she is afraid that when she has these episodes she won't wake up again and it's just now dawning on me that's why she fights going to bed. Probably. It;s fucking scary. No one knows what's wrong. I honestly believe she's had a stroke but no doctor will agree. They say there isn't evidence. If you look at her fucking face, the left side droops a little. Her behavior changed. If not a stroke, then at least some kind of brain injury of some kind. None of this is normal! Never mind that my grandfather had a stroke and if the EMTS hasn't seen him having it, there wouldn't have been any evidence of it by the time they got to the hospital.  Anyway, my Dad said, at this point, he is grasping at straws. The PCP doctor has never seen anything like this. The neurologist exhausted every resource he could before giving up. 

So, yeah. I wish these things weren't happening. I wish I wasn't slowly losing my Grandmother to old age, my mother from who the fuck knows with the medical community saying idk and slamming the door in our faces due to lack of money, and people just suck. I still hold to that if I could live in Rivendell, I would. There are Elves, books, swords, beautiful waterfalls and trees, and they fucking eat vegetables! I wouldn't mind a jaunt to Lolthlorien, the Shire, and even Mirkwood. Could do without the giant spiders though. 

Raw hands, stomach, and a little Wammawink

Wammawink from Centaurworld. 

Why have I been awake since 2 am? Why do I nearly always wake between 2 and 3 in the damn morning? To pee, usually. It's obnoxious, especially since we are a one bathroom house and said bathroom is downstairs. So then I ask myself, is it worth it to get up and go down, do the business, and come back up? Because you can bet I will be wide awake by the time I get back up here. Well, despite telling myself that, no, it isn't worth it this morning, my bladder thought otherwise and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Of course that isn't the only reason, I'm having a fibro flare as well and since I sprained the MCL in my right knee that's be just lovely. There's yet another reason but I will get to that in a few. Such fun! But moving on.

A friend of mine had a birthday recently. He loves Wammawink from Centaurworld- a crack show if I ever saw one and also what my wife says her brain is like. I do enjoy the show and like several of the songs. In fact, there's one that just about makes me cry every time I hear it. When comparing ourselves to the characters, my wife is Glendale, and I am Becky Apples. Do with that what you will. Anyway, I digress. Knowing this friend loves Wammawink and everyone agrees he is, I decided to make him some Wammawink watercolor art. Of course I forgot to take a picture of it. I do have the line art still, though. He liked it so much he hung it on the wall right away. 

Tis the prime season for my hands to hate the world. I'm a little bit of an overzealous handwasher. I can't say obsessive, it's not that serious, but I do tend to wash my hands twice when finished in the bathroom, if I get sticky stuff or oily stuff on them, or when I've been cleaning. I also do dishes and cook a lot and given that I used to work in food service several years back and also a day care and we had the pandemic... My damn hands are raw! Again! Yes, this happens several times a year. My wife gave a hand salve for Christmas and I don't think it helps much. I have hand creams and lotions but when you hyper focus most of the day on various other things... Sometimes you forget, at least until your hand are itchy and sore or when you are washing your hands again, doing dishes, ect... It sucks!

On to the other reason I am up this early. I have GERD and I am often nauseated. In fact, since my doctor took me off omeprazole because new research says its bad for people long term- I've been on it so long I can't even remember when I was first prescribed it- I've been having a great deal more trouble. Since water gives me heartburn, my doctor's suggestion of diet change to help alleviate the issue had me rolling my eyes mentally. I'm self-aware enough and pay enough attention that I know which foods to avoid that really kick the heartburn off. And since I don't have a gallbladder anymore, I can't do a lot of greasy foods. It's not so much the heartburn anyway, its the fact that I get so nauseous. Lately, I've been throwing up for no good reason, usually first thing in the morning. No, I cannot possibly be pregnant, I had a full hysterectomy a few years ago and given that I am strictly monogamous and married to a woman... well.  Anyway, I am to see a dietician and my doctor again later in the month. We are trying to deal with this and she wants to try me on the medication like Wegovy for weight loss and diabetic prevention. If you've been as heavy as me for as long as I have and nothing else has been working, fuck it, I'll try it.     

Enough of that bitching and on to something fun, at least for me. Magic happened. Real manifestation magic before I'd really tried to put much work into manifesting what I wanted. One of my goals this year is to write at least half of one of the novels I have been trying to write for years. It was a goal last year too, but I could not, for the life of me, write much. Some of it was we were busy. Some of it was I was too tried and worn out. Some of it was impostor syndrome and anxiety and depression. But this year, when I put it on my list and had been talking to a friend about wanting to really do it, she voiced that she wanted to get stuff written too, and suggested starting a writing group. So, I did. And at first I really struggled and it felt like I was ripping every word out of myself, but lately, its just happening. I still struggle, sure, I think every writer does, but I have 35 pages written- which doesn't seem like a lot, but I have been editing and rewriting as I go and instead of doom and gloom and tears, I'm excited to write and think about the story a lot. And, I feel 'normal-ish' again. Like this is where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing. It's really nice. Since this is something I went to school for and have been doing since I was 13, I've regained a sense of true normalcy that I haven't in years. And it really does feel like I am finally getting my sense of self and my life back.    

 

15 and 5, two weddings, the Munsters, sleep

 Above is the beautiful cake cousin Kat made for Selene and I for our 5th wedding anniversary. She organized our little back yard party too. It was a really nice affair complete with music, a fire in the fire pit, food, and friends. It's hard to believe it's already been five years. It feels like forever ago, but maybe that's because there was a lot of pain and dark depression surrounding that day and for a long while after. There was good stuff too, but often the bad outweighs the good for me until the emotions around it fade. I think it also feel like forever ago because Selene and I have been together for fifteen years. And odd as this sounds, our time together seems like forever and also "has it really been that long? doesn't seem like it".   But, I am happy to say that the pain and dark depression circumstances that made the actual days around our wedding have faded enough that I had a really good time and I was able to relax and enjoy it. Not that I didn't enjoy my wedding, I enjoyed the ceremony and loved all the people who came, still love them, it was just an equally hard time as it was a good one. 

At the beginning of the month, our friend Rachel got married to her long time boyfriend. Selene and I couldn't have been happier for them. We love them both and they are really good together. More than that, they have both become family. We are truly blessed to know them both. And we are extra happy because Rachel has been resistant to the notion of marriage. I won't go into why, but seeing her change her mind and realize that not all marriages are one way or another, has been cool. Not that I am saying everyone has to get married or should get married, to each their own, I just think its cool she did. 

Two days after our anniversary, our friend Bethy got married to her girlfriend Corey. Bethy and I have had our ups and downs, as all friends have, and we have been friends for as long as Selene and I have been together. Selene used to work at the high school where Bethy went to school and was friends with Selene's cousin. That's how we all met. It's been really interesting too see Bethy 'grow up' from her senior year of high school, her college years, living with us for a time- which so didn't work out- to now. Things aren't exactly easy for her but she's doing her best. And, she's found a very sweet and patient woman to spend the rest of her life with. The best part, Corey quietly calls her out on her shit, and I think that's good for Bethy. I think, in a way, it helps ground her. Best of all they talk, they talk about communicating with each other, they know things aren't going to be perfect, and they are both willing to do the work, which is one of the best tools they have in their tool box.  But aside from that, they asked me to do their make up for their special day and I was honored. 

After all the chaos and almost non-stop going of the last several weeks, I got a few days to just breathe. Of course, that meant that I slept a lot and I do mean a lot. I even fell asleep with coffee in my hand and spilled it all over myself. While I am a little sad I slept so much, I'm also not too broken up about it. My body needed that time to heal. Honestly, I could go for a nap right now, but I am holding off in favor of doing some things for myself today amidst getting a little house work done and trying to figure out when to set up the kitchen remodel and so on... because things still need to be done. And, I want to try writing today. I really haven't done it, been too busy, too anxious, too scared to fuck it up, too scared I will disappoint myself because it's not good enough, ect...

But all of that aside, I did manage to see Rob Zombie's "The Munsters". It wasn't bad. I don't think anything will be as good as the original series and no one can truly be Lily Munster like Yvonne de Carlo. Still, the movie was good. I had to watch it 3 times before I saw it all the way through-because I kept falling asleep. It's a prequel movie, a how Herman and Lily came to be together and how they moved to America. Rob Zombie, I think, did a good job in keeping as true to the original as possible while adding his own flare. I enjoyed it.  

Enumclaw and Witch's Night Out...

 

Enumclaw is a nice little Washington town set not too far from Tacoma with forest and mountain views. There are lots of neat little shops in the downtown area, one of which is called Roaring Underground. It's a cute shop with some vintage clothing, trinkets, souvenirs, and so on, but the back of the shop has a speakeasy. No, really, it does, you have to have a password to get in for drink! The lovely ladies who own and run this shop do the Magical Northwest events and the very one that puts on Witches Night Out! Right next door to Roaring Underground is a shop called Magickal Earth, a store that has crystals, tarot, herbs, incense, and more. And not too far from downtown is a little café called Charlie's Cafe. Their breakfast was amazing, the staff are super sweet, and the whole restaurant is just super cute and homey. 

Why am I telling you about these places? Well, because I was a vendor at this event, this year. It was fun, an experience, and I am glad I got to meet these people and see how they do things. I say this not just as a vendor but also a board member for Northwest Pagan Fest. I am always observing how people do things so I can decide if their way is better or something they do could work for me or not. 

As a vendor, I didn't do so well, at least, not as an out of town vendor. I made just enough to cover the vendor fee and my hotel stay. I am okay with that. I learned some things, had some fun, and I got to ride the ferry again- because we didn't just hang out in Enumclaw, we went to Bremerton, Kent, and other places. (places like Sweet Kitty Anime, Daiso, Tokyo Lifestyle, Helm's Deep Tavern, The Naval Museum)

The downside of the event, and this is in no way a criticism of the people running it, I think they did a wonderful job. The downside is that a sizeable portion of the customers of the event are very "Normie, Crunchy Mom" and less pagan/wiccan.  As an event for the community, it was a success and something that is really good for the area. I am really sad that there was an asshole in a truck revving his engine as he sped by several times a night. I am sad that people came to an event like that and were annoyed about actual pagan/wiccan/ witchy things were for sale- yeah, I had several of those- which is kind of funny since I was set up right across from a pagan shop. What the hell were you expecting? 

Anyway, over all it was good. 

The Belleview Bathroom Incident

I had to pee. I wasn’t going to make it to cousin Mike’s house, who lives in another town along our path to head home. We were in a shopping area and had been in Daiso for a while. I realized I needed to use the bathroom but they didn’t have one open to the public. Cousin Kat had to go to the sporting goods store find something for her mother. She also had to use the bathroom but I was pretty sure if I got out of the car I would need a short path to the toilet. I didn’t want to get all the way into the store only to have to book it back to the car because the bathroom was closed or not open to customers. It’s a movement issue. If I stay put, I can hold a little longer and hang in there on the superfast- almost run (I don’t run) waddle to the toilet. But…

Something has happened in our society. We don’t seem to care when others need to use the bathroom. I understand no one wants to clean up after a homeless person because they may or may not trash the facilities or use drugs. I understand covid has also made it so people don’t want to open bathrooms to the public. But when a person needs to pee. Let them fucking pee!

Anyway, so, we waited for Kat. She was fast. Things were beginning to get a little painful for me and she reported that the distance to the bathroom was far. So, I decided, I’ll just drive to the Starbucks just down the street. This Starbucks… firstly, since when do coffee shops close at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon? They all used to be open until at least 8 pm if not later. But I digress, I parked, I got out of the car and speed waddled my fat ass into the store. I was almost to the bathroom when the manager and an employee walked out. She said to me “I’m sorry we close at 4.” I was confused but brushed it off and said. “Okay, can I just use the bathroom really fast?” I had wallet in hand, was nicely dressed, looked clean and was planning to buy something for using their facilities. Her response, “no, we close at 4.”  And she was bitchy about it. I didn’t have time for it, so I hurried out of the store. The kid behind the counter called after me, “have a nice day”. 

But it gets better. I hurried over to the Mc. Donald’s except their lobby wasn’t open. So, then I hurried to Subway just a hop away. The employee let me get all the way to the bathrooms and never said a damn thing, let me see the sign he’d put up about the bathrooms being out of service. I actually turned around, glared at him and said “Are you fucking serious, this is the 3^rd damn place!” And now I was about to pee myself, it was getting really painful, and I booked it to my car and hurried to a gas station and guess what?! Their bathroom was closed for remodeling. By this time, I knew for sure if I got out of the car again, I was going to pee and wouldn’t be able to stop it. And I was in tears and trying to decide if it was better to get arrested for pissing in public behind a bush or pee the driver’s seat and sit in it for the 4-5 hour long drive home.

Selene suggested the little Grocery Outlet next to the gas station and I told her I wasn’t getting out of the car just to have to it closed and not make it. She went in to check for me and then I booked it into the store and finally, finally, I got to pee. I was still so upset about all the other places, all of them so close together, in a well to do area, that I didn’t say anything to the employees on the way out of Grocery Outlet. I’m probably going to write them a thank you letter. I know it’s not really necessary, but I really think they need to know how much I appreciated them having an open bathroom.

As for that Starbucks, they didn’t have their door locked and I literally walked into their lobby at 4. I know this because my car clock in a few minutes fast and when I got back in the car, my clock said 2 minutes after 4. They will not be getting a good review from me.  I know people don’t owe me shit and I am not running around with some self-imposed sense of entitlement. However, when you gotta go, you gotta go no matter who or what you are, and public bathrooms are public for a reason. And if you’re a willing paying customer, it’s a no brainer. Hell, I would have cleaned the damn bathroom after me, for them if they had let me use it. No, really, I would have and I would have been quick about it and still bought coffee or a muffin or something.  

Now, will this stop me from shopping at Starbucks? No, just that location.  

This has be quick! Bats!!!!

I grabbed this from my pictures folder on my computer. Unfortunately, because I saved it so long ago I can't credit the photographer. So, just enjoy the bat. I'm really feeling the bats this year. I mean, I have always loved them, but I keep picking things that have bats on them and so on... 

This post has to be quick because it's 7:31 am and I really need to get to work. I have less than two weeks left to get my stock rebuilt for my store, and as a one woman show... It's all on me. However, that said, my wife and I have talked about me teaching her how to use two of my machines so she can help. She doesn't know how much I appreciate it. Maybe we will do some of that tonight. 

Northwest Pagan Fest was a huge success. I am on the board for the festival as secretary but I was also a vendor at the festival. I sold a lot of stock! Which is why it's crunch time for me as I have another event- just as a vendor- coming up. I will talk more about NWPF in a later post. For now, just know it was AMANZING! 

Selene's birthday went well. We doubled up with Fiona, a friend, since we all might be out of town for her birthday. So we listened to David Bowie, played Cards Against Humanity, ate cake and pizza. It was chill and a lot of fun. 

We sort of got the house in order for this. We still need to remodel the kitchen, but that is going to have to wait, I think, a bit longer. We just have so much coming. Two weddings, our 5 year anniversary party, my event out of town, a few little fall things, and some stuff at the end of the month. Early November is starting to look like its going to be the time we do this. And, surprise, the oven door broke again! Selene said fuck it to trying to fix it AGAIN and we caved, went to Lowes, and bought another one. They will deliver and haul away the old one. 

I am having a bit of a fibro flare today. I am not happy about it. I was almost a week without any kind of fibro symptoms, which is very rare. I am sure it is going to make sitting at the sewing machine a real joy, but I am going to do as much as I can, listen to Youtube vids as a distraction- I found some fun LOTR vids from Nerd of the Rings-, and just really try to get this stuff done. I've been making a game plan for the winter season so I am not so crunched next year. Especially since I would really like to do more in person events, but also because I would like to add more items to my shop, do some crafts for myself, and work to give myself a little more time for reading, writings, and self care. I have been utter shit at taking care of some of the basic things like brushing my hair every day, lately. Part of that is depression and fibro, but part of it is that I just work until its time to do dinner and then I have a couple of hours with Selene and Kat and then I usually fall asleep watching TV. Then Selene has to wake me up and make me go to bed. I don't really enjoy that cycle, so I'm trying to break it. 

Anyway, I do have to get to work and at some point write very overdue letter.