When Dad says, "Stop internalizing and flip your shit", you know it's time.

found on Google search...

This morning I woke to take Amanda to work- she is out of bus passes- but I felt very weak. My eyes were open, but I couldn't seem to completely wake myself up. I felt nauseated and eating breakfast wore me out so much I could not drive Amanda to work. It just wasn't safe. Amanda had to call her job and ask to come in at 1 pm. She set me up on the sofa, blanket and space heater, because I was cold, and I fell asleep before she could really sit down. 

Around 10 am, I woke because my phone rang. I remained awake, because I needed a shower and since I felt a little better, I went for it. However, I did not get a full shower. I almost didn't even get my body washed. Amanda had to help me a little. As it stands, I still have to wash my hair. After helping me into the bedroom and gathering clothes for me to wear, Amanda was laying on the bed in case I needed her. I told her my whole body, my muscles, were burning. It felt like I had pushed myself too far during an intense workout and was now had wet noodle/jelly limbs. The muscles in my legs keep trying to tighten into charlie horses as well. My jaw muscles tighten any time I breathe too hard. 

Well, I got dressed, I made it back to the sofa, and sat down to rest, because I was going to take Amanda to work and then I was going to keep my therapy appointment. Then my GYN's receptionist/ nurse thing called. She said that I didn't do my ultra sound or my blood work and so Dr. Meltzer couldn't see me tomorrow. I told her that I did do the blood work, I did it the day he ordered it. I told her the lab didn't run the right panel. Then I informed her that I tried to do the ultra sound and this is when Amanda stepped in. We told her that we went to Liberty Lake, that I double checked the location- turns out she was the one who I spoke to when making the appointment- and we told her what happened. She denied that she was at fault, that there was a miscommunication and implied in every way that it on my end. Then she said that my appointment tomorrow was the one we moved up from the 9th. 

At this point I wanted to scream. I told her that no, it was not. The appointment on the 9th is the biopsy appointment. The appointment for tomorrow is a follow up instructed by the ER doctor. She ignored me and went on to say that Dr. Meltzer can't see me without the ultra sound and blood work. Amanda got a little snippy with her and the nurse/receptionist thing (her name is April), said she would ask Dr. Meltzer what he wanted to do but that basically he can't seem me unless I get the other stuff done. 

When I got off the phone. I was in tears. Amanda was pissed! I called my Dad. He listed to me and then told me not to threaten to cut my uterus out, to show up at the appointment tomorrow and flip my shit on them. He said to make a scene and until something is done, to make them listen to me. He said that he knows it make me uncomfortable, that neither of us like confrontation, but this is not a time to internalize everything. I said, "but Dad when I flip my shit and really lose it, I throw things and break stuff". His response then was to have some attack dogs go with me, meaning the friends who have been wanting to take over and set these people straight.  

I told a few close friends about what was going on, because I am scared, I need help and am not good at these situations for myself. If a family member or a friend was getting treated like this, I would become an "attack dog", but for myself, I don't know why I can't seem to. (probably the old- I feel unworthy- crap I am trying to shake) Anyway, one of those friends came over right away and called the triage nurse at the OBGYN's office. Thanks to her help, not only is my appointment set in stone, but the doctor has a note in his files stating that he HAS to see me tomorrow. This friend is also going with me to raise hell if need be. Amanda is going, of course, and Amanda's Mom is going too. Cathy won't let anything stand if it isn't for my benefit. 

Because lets put this into perspective, Amanda looked up how dangerous it is to have a really low Hemoglobin level like mine is right now (mine is at 7.5).  If I get down to level 6 I can have flu like symptoms, have a heart attack because of lack of blood, need blood transfusions, you know DIE. I am 32 and I'm getting married in October. I don't want to die because a stupid doctor and his nurse wouldn't listen to me and remove my fucking uterus! 

Happy Lunar Near Year, hospital is looking more and more appealing, yesterday was almost a complete disaster.

Happy Lunar New Year! Assuming Amanda and I can muster the energy, we are planning to make Chinese food for dinner. I am trying to keep going despite everything going on and this was something I really wanted to do. Okay, so my Chinese food will consist of Egg flower soup and sesame balls with a main dish of Katsudon (which is actually a Japanese dish, but Amanda wanted it), but they are easy, quick things I can make. 

On to yesterday's nightmare. I woke up early to go to the bathroom and to drink 16 ounces of water for my ultrasound an hour and a half before my appointment. Except that first thing in the morning, the first liquids I drink typically go straight through me. On top of that, having an ever pressing need to pee seemed to aggravate the cramps from this revenge period all the more. I had already awoken angry because I knew I had overfilled my pad and was going to have to do some exhausting clean up. On top of that, I was in pain, hungry, and knew the ultrasound was going to be painful because ever ultrasound technician I have ever had seems to delight in digging that damned thing into me. 

Well, I arrived at my appointment to have the receptionist on the phone. Okay, no big, I can wait. But when she was finally off the phone, I told her who I was and what I was there for. She looked at me confused and informed me that they don't do ultrasounds at that location. I lost it a little. I lost it because I had expressly asked the woman that I had made the appointment with, if both the appointments we were making were at the Liberty Lake location. She said yes, so I wrote them down and even got the street name from her. She fucking lied! Granted the extent of me losing with was in a raised voice exclaiming "WHAT?!" and then me quickly apologizing to the woman, telling her it wasn't her, and then asking if I could use the bathroom straight away. 

Now, what I was in the bathroom, Amanda was out in the waiting room for a few minutes and the receptionist didn't ask her anything, didn't tell her anything, didn't even offer to call the other location and tell them we were late. Nothing, she just sat there, completely unhelpful. I on the other hand was in the bathroom making a mess on the floor and had to have Amanda come in and help me clean blood off their toilet and floor. 

During the 15 minutes it took us to drive back to Spokane Valley and swing by McDonalds (because I was really hungry thanks to trying to do a fast for blood work and I said fuck it to due to number of people in the office and my horrible cramps) and finally get home. I had over filled my pad so much that it was literally dripping when I took it off. I also had a very large clot. I cleaned up as much as I could and just went into the living room, and lividly sat crying off and on. Getting up every so often to change my pads and clean up. I vented about it even on facebook and a couple of my friends want to have "Come to Jesus" talk with the doctor, to tell him that the behavior of his receptionists are unacceptable and so on. Other people are sympathetic. Others want me to go to the ER or the hospital. My resistance in going to the ER or the hospital is that I have been down that road before. All they will do is give me Advil, make me wait there for several hours, have a dozen or so people interrogate me and ignore me, and then send me home. Why go through all that when I can just take the Advil from the comfort of my own home?

In effort to distract myself from all of it, I watched an anime with Amanda. Our friend Rachel came over to dye her hair and I decided to do the same. I wasn't going anywhere, it really doesn't take that long, and it might make me feel a little better- at least mentally. Amanda did it for me, all I had to do was sit on a chair. It really was a nice distraction. 

Today however, the hospital idea is looking more and more appealing. I ate 4 Advil two hours after I woke up this morning, it did slow some of the bleeding down, but not by much. It has helped the cramps a tiny bit, but I have been a bit woozy and although I am eating as much protein and iron rich foods- tuna, red meat, and salad- as I can, I am still very weak and more often than naught cold. I talked myself out of going to the hospital twice today, telling myself that I can deal, I can handle this, I'm not going to waste my time or Amanda's in going. But now, despite trying to stay hydrated, I'm dehydrated and having all the problems that go along with that. So, it is a very real possibility that may end up there during the night, if only so they can help me get re-hydrated safely. We will see.