1st dumb thing my therapist has said and what's been going on lately

Apparently I am really drawn to my moon sign's element of fire lately. I keep gravitating to art and such with fire. It's weird, I usually go for water, the element of my sun sign. But, I'm not going to argue. Maybe it's part of the who Rune draw I did at Ostara. I drew Kenaz. A description of it is in the picture below. 

I would go into more explanation of this and why it actually means a great deal to me for this year, but I am bit exhausted. I've actually been internally at war with my depression monster and its getting worse. To be honest, I hate myself because I am so depressed most of the time that I can't stand to breathe. I'm either angry, apathetic, manic, or so depressed I just want to scream, cry, or break things. I don't tell anyone how bad it really is because no one can actually handle it or they just don't care. I pretty much try to stuff it all down so I can be as calm as possible, but it's so exhausting. There have been some new problems that have arisen for me personally that have made me feel even more defective and worthless. I actually was so upset and angry the other day I beat the shit out of my legs and then grew more furious because I didn't even get the satisfaction of having bruises. I couldn't even leave proof of my own anger somewhere. And then that made me angry because I swore to myself that I wouldn't get this bad again.

So I took most of these feelings and thoughts to my therapist the other day. She asked me about a coupe of things and then said the 1st dumb thing I have ever heard her say. She basically said that I made myself fat to become undesirable to push people away so they couldn't hurt me. What?! No, I got fucking fat because my damned hormones were out of wack and sometimes I eat my feelings. I never wanted to be undesirable. I never wanted this. Sure, I want people to leave me alone so I can write, but I want friends and family around. I want to go out and have fun. 

And with everything going on my Mom told me yesterday that she has a black spot in her mouth and she said without saying that she's afraid that it's cancer. It's possible. She's been a smoker since before I was born and at one time she smoked a pack and and half a day. 

Spring is here!

Happy belated Ostara! I hope everyone had a great start to Spring. Nature had a very bizarre fit and decided to give us rain, snow, thunder and hail, sunshine, and a windstorm all in one day. Not only that but it was a such a strange cycle of each throughout the day.

Skoora and I spent Ostara with a friend down in the Sliver Valley. We had dinner with her and spent the evening chatting into the midnight hours. Yesterday we spent the day talking and we watched a fun movie but I ended up dozing through most of it. Happily, I got the chance to kidnap my friend and bring her up to spend the night at our house, which was nice for her as well since she isn't able to get out of the Sliver Valley very often. Unfortunately I have to take her home tonight.

That was this week.

Last weekend and the week and weekend before it, we spent going back and forth to Moscow. We spent some time with Skoora's cousin, Kat. We also spent some time with some friends and had a little joint birthday party for our friends who are twins and myself. It was a lot of driving, fun, and getting out. And I really over did it every day. It makes me so angry that I can't just get out and go shopping and walk around places with friends when they come to visit or we go to visit them. I always end up in so much pain I feel like I am either going to pass out or vomit or both. But I keep pushing and trudging along, hoping that things will get easier even though they never really do. Still, I just can't give in and give up.

I haven't done any crafts or made anything new as far as culinary items go. I do feel the urge to do many of those things and I think it has to do with the fact that its spring and we're getting warmer weather. I find that I want to go play out in the bit of woods near my house and clean it up from the hooligans who trash the area. Ooo and I really want to go sit out there on nice afternoons, listen to music, and write. But I will have to find a chair that I can sit in comfortably for a long period of time.

I haven't written much in the last couple of weeks since we've been busy. I will begin making a list of blogs that need to be written and then execute the list in the coming weeks. I have a whole back log of stuff that needs to go up for both of my blogs and even for the Detangled Writer's blog. I will also be working on my novel and the plots for a couple of other novels.

But for now, for today at least, I am going to have the dinner my friend is helping to make and then when Skoora gets off work, we have to take her home. After that, I'm going to play Guild Wars and watch a movie. Tomorrow, I'll probably be cleaning as much as I can and start decorating for Easter.