I am late!

Last week I plumb forgot about this and this week I am late in the writing and posting. Sorry about that. 

My meager offerings for this week, is this practice run with Fire Alpaca and 'new to me' tablet from a good friend. I really like the airbrush tool as it turns out and I should probably not be so in love with it. It's hard, dusting off my novice drawing skills. There's a frustration in wanting to be better, to know how to draw hair and faces, trying to figure out what my style is, hoping I can pull off Moe and Bishi manga art eventually (both are so pretty). But I will get there and it takes time and practice.

I have been working on the world building of my novel and I thought I had finished my character bios. But I was watching a Brandon Sanderson fiction writing lecture on character this week and I have a few more questions to ask myself and make notes for a couple of characters. Shouldn't take me too long and should help me in the long run of writing process. 

Still doing Taiko, although I missed last week due to a nasty fibro flare. I've been studying some of the videos the leader of the group sent me so I could practice at home. I don't know if it is helping. But I can't get too annoyed with myself, I've only been twice. 

Lastly I thought I would share a vegetarian recipe I made up for Amanda, Enchilada casserole. It;s super simple and pretty quick to make.

What you need is one large can of red or green enchilada sauce (prefer red but Amanda likes green better), six yellow or white corn tortillas, 1 small bag of mozzarella cheese, and 1 small bag of a frozen southwest medley veggies (ours has mix of corn, onions, red bell peppers, and black beans). Oh and a small baking dish. I used a glass bread loaf dish but in hind sight probably should have used something a little larger.

Preheat the oven at 350 degrees f. 

Tear the corn tortillas however big or small you prefer.

Ladle a thin layer of enchilada sauce on the bottom of the dish. Next put down the majority of the torn tortillas to make in a good layer. After that add the frozen southwest medley veggies and a light layer of mozzerella cheese. Nexxt layer the rest of the tortillas and ladle sauce over it. You might need to gently shift the dish on your counter to get the sauce to seep all the way through. Lastly, layer a thicker layer of cheese on the top and when the oven is preheated, put the dish in for 30-40 minutes. And that's it. Take it out when the cheese has melted and its warm all the way through. 

That's it. 

And that's it for me this week.   

  

Time for something different. Half a year in pictures starting in summer: Mad Tea Party, Home, Tanabata

Since I have all these pictures and can't remember what I have or haven't posted this year. Yes, I am too lazy to go check but after fighting with my phone and computer and them not getting along and having to pic dump Amanda on messenger then save pics to my computer then separate them accordingly... Well, just enjoy.

First up is a Mad Tea Party moon rit we had at a friends house this Summer. It happened just a few days prior to receiving news that my Grandpa passed.  

Amanda getting a beautiful selfie!

Amanda and our friend Tomi. Tomi and I fan-girled over Otome Games while Amanda made her Cthulhu plushie wear my horns.

***

These are a few of pictures from my visit home when my Grandpa died. I decided I wanted to show a few pieces of my art to friends so I got a little of that too. But mostly, I just wanted to spend time with family. 

A raccoon black scratch board project I did in 8th grade. My parents still have it hanging in the Kitchen. 

One of my Great Great (possibly Great) Grandmothers Richardson. Her eyes follow you no matter where you are in the living room. Maybe she's who I get resting bitch face from, lol. Said with love, of course. But she is very severe looking.

A cup from the resturant my Grandma's cousin owned. 

My Dad adjusting one of Grandma's bird feeders in her back yard. I loved playing in that yard and have lots of really good memories. 

A picture I was trying to take of my cousin Shi-chan (who looks possessed), Amanda, and me. It looks like Amanda is holding my decapitated head though.

I think this is the last picture I got of Kali, my sister-dog. She wasn't doing so well, but she was a good and sweet girl. I miss her a lot. In the background is my Aunt Laura, my Mom's identical twin.

This is a mask I sculpted, fired, and glazed in my freshman pottery class. My teacher loved it and my parents do too. It is hanging in their downstairs bathroom

My parents living room with- oh look, my parents. Dad was talking to Amanda about something and I was sneaking a picture of my Mom and got her smiling. Really smiling. She kind of fake smiles for pictures because she hates them. 

Another mask I sculpted, glazed, and fired in my freshman pottery class. This one is more tribal feeling. Again, my parents really liked it and hung it in the bathroom. 

Finally got a picture of Shi-Chan, Amanda, and I where I have a body and Shi-chan doesn't look possessed.

My Mom's best friend, Pat, or Aunt Pat as I grew up calling her, lived in Indonesia for a little over a year. Her husband was working there for some company I forget. Anyway, she was deaf, and didn't have much to do but shop, so she bought and brought us a lot of really beautiful things from their travels and time there.

This is one of my favorite pieces she brought back. Above it is a project from a high school art class. Ignore it, its weird, but my Mom keeps it up there.

Got a picture of my Dad squinting from the flash.

There is the picture of my however many Greats Grandpa Richardson. You're going to see him again in a later post about something else.  

***

Tanabata. 

Tanabata is a Japanese Star Festival in July. It is the seventh day of the seventh month. the story is about two lovers (the stars Altair and Vega) who, after falling in love, are separated because they spent more time with each other than doing the work they were supposed to be doing. On the seventh day of the seventh month, they get to cross the river separating them (the milky way) to be together for one night and on that night they will grant wishes. I am totally not doing this beautiful story justice. You can learn more about it here. 

Amanda and I wanted to put on our own Tanabata festival for our friends. We'd done a tiny celebration a year prior and before that we'd celebrated with Cousin Kat. But this year, it was going to be a festival and Amanda really wants to try to work with some people around town to make it an event for the city! Not sure when that's going to happen but when it does, I will certainly share information.

Meet Trixie, our friend Malissa's therapy dog. She's super chill and adorable.

Friends sitting around a table in Rachel's backyard waiting for the celebration to begin.

Amanda, Jeremy, Malissa, and I think Rachel getting ready to head outside.

Tsuki and Tomi eating dinner before the festivities begin.

Our Wishing well. Amanda's Mom made it for us while we were visiting my family and attending my Grandpa's funeral. She did a lot for our little festival which helped me out since shortly after we came home, I had to have gall bladder surgery.

My favorite sushi ever! 

Cathy made sushi like cupcakes.

Our Tanabata alter.

Amanda, Jeremy, and Rachel's adorable dog Bladen.

Bladen looking for dropped goodies.

some of the activities we prepared. We had origami, coloring pages, and games.

I made Star cookies and tried out an edible spray mist to make the milky way. I suppose it looks okay. 

view of our altar and lanterns

Amanda made a beautiful program and check list for everyone and Rachel's neighbors turned their sprinkler on. Some of our stuff got soaked, but thankfully it was hot enough to dry things quickly.

Revamping the goals, new cell phone, and I did some scary shit!

I've been perusing Pinterest for craft ideas, d.i.y. projects, and art I'd like to get for the house. This is one of those "oooo, pretty, maybe, yes?" pieces that I've been ogling and strangely enough it kind of fits with something we talked about in class: shielding. Those who are familiar with chakras will see the color and probably get where my head went in regards to correlation. But enough about that and on to the rest. 

I finally have a new cell phone! I told my Dad to take me off the family plan and then told him about the deal Metro PCS is running. I'd really wanted to stay with T-mobile, I've been with them since high school but they just cost too much. Amanda had been grandfathered in on a cheaper plan from when she started 10 years ago, and adding me would have taken her out of that and jacked up her rate over double. However, Metro had a get 2 phones and two line plan with a data cap for 60 dollars. They did have the same deal with unlimited data for 80 dollars, but we don't use that much data. I mean, on my Dad's family plan that had him, my mom, and me, we never even touched the 2 gig mark. So, yeah, new phone, new number, decent rate, and I can actually use apps on it! Speaking of which, I had to remove the 'planetary times' app (I was curious how that all worked) when it went off and scared the crap out of me. 

I've had to revamp my goals list. There is an assignment for school in which I need to make 12 goals, 1 for each astrological sign, and plant seeds to watch them grow. I didn't have 12 goals and more importantly they didn't all fit into the type of goals for each sign. Redoing them was relatively easy but I am going to have to find another avenue of 'planting' them. I know the idea is to watch them grow/develop throughout the year, but anything I plant will have to be started inside and well, I have three determined and crafty cats in the house who like to get into things. The watching them part will just have to be through my own observations, which I think I can handle. When I get done with my "planting" part, I'll probably post the new goals as another form of "planting" which I like to think is also accountability. 

So, I did some scary shit recently. We are apparently supposed to lead at least one devotional before we can progress to the next grade level. I had been thinking about possibly volunteering, but I had been under them impression that it was only an upper classmen sort of role until the devo lead popped into one of my classes and was looking for volunteers. Well, I was 'interviewed' and approved, added to the devo lead list, given all the scripts to practice, and shown how to do all the technical stuff. No one is leading tomorrow morning... or rather they weren't and now I am. And I signed up for all the Wednesdays beginning in late March. I don't know if I am going to do any in the evening or not, I kind of want evenings with Amanda as much as possible since before I started school, I'd already felt like I didn't get enough face to face time with her.  We will see. As of right now, I'm hoping I don't over sleep. I hope I get enough sleep and I hope I don't mess up. Those who show up for morning devotional will hear me though the computer, its kind of scary.  

Following that, I also sent off an e-mail tonight to someone who handles I guess the editing and writing stuff for the pagan online magazine. Scholarship students can apparently do their service hours doing stuff in that regard. But, even if I don't get approved for any of that, I at least want to see if I can submit some pagan geared short stories and or poems. That in and of itself is stepping out of my comfort zone. 

Okay, the cats are fussing that its way passed bedtime and I need to get Miss Snorealax to bed. Amanda is sleeping on the guest bed here in the office, waiting for me to finish up for the night.

Tree and flower sex, Hushed Whispers, blanket monster, new meds, and laying it on the table.

Hushed Whispers by Katorius on Deviant art.

Last night I began taking new depression medication. I'm not sure how that's going to go, but today I'm feeling pretty good. Well, aside from my OTC allergy medication not quite cutting it. It is that time of year when all the trees and flowers are having sex and spreading their yellow sex dust around. Every time I go to the car I see a thin yellow layer of it on the windshield. Still, I have far less trouble living in the Northwest than I did growing up in Kansas. But the last couple of days I have had watery eyes that somehow still feel like sandpaper every time I blink. On top of that, I suspect an algae bloom or something in the water because my stomach is not happy. The weather has also turned hot and sunny this week, thus I have turned on the air conditioner. 

Thorin loves to sleep with Amanda and I. Often times, he will sleep between us but lately, since it's been hot in our bedroom and we've not used blankets, he's been sleeping near my feet. Well, that's fine, until he attacks your toes and feet for daring to move. When there are no blankets, the blanket monster is on vacation, but try telling him that. So, not only is it hot in the bed, not only is Amanda a veritable furnace when she sleep, not only does she snore and laugh in her sleep, not only does she like to slip her hands under me and try to push me off the bed in her sleep, but Thorin likes to attack me. It is a miracle that I get any sleep.

Hushed Whispers, the art piece above, felt oddly appropriate today. Sometimes it feels like the characters from my stories are the phantom in the picture, whispering to me, trying to pull me in their direction, which is freaking awesome, except several are doing it all at once and I can't seem to decide who to go with. I get a little discombobulated with it all and sometimes even feel a little guilty when I am giving one set of characters attention over the others. To normal people that probably sounds absolutely bonkers, but if you are a writer, that might make sense or at least you might be able to sympathize. Needless to say I haven't written anything since I finished the fanfic story, but I have been going through some of my old stories, some of the short ones, and there's so much I want to play with. 

Okay, as uncomfortable as this is, I'm going to lay some things out on the table in the hopes that I can help myself get the ball rolling again. I'm trying to lose weight. At the moment I'm sitting at 403 lbs and with my pear shaped body (thank you Great Grandma Ester), I look more than frumpy. I've been given the "okay" by my doctor to start doing light exercise like walking and other things, so long as I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back and I am to be careful of my core muscles because I should be finishing up the healing from the hysterectomy. Just because it was five small incisions, my abdominal wall was cut into and the doctor doesn't want me to get excited do some crunches or something and hurt myself. That said there are some sit and be fit exercises I want to look up and try and we blew up my yoga/palates ball for me to sit on. Funny story, I actually fell off it recently, or rather I lost my balance and rolled back into the sofa. I hit my back and got stuck and Amanda had to come and save me.  

So, I told Amanda no more fast food. If we are going to eat out, let's just go to a restaurant. It will cost more so we don't do it as much and it will be more enjoyable. Secondly, we have to cut down the portion size. It's hard sometimes. When I was having hormonal fluctuations with the PCOS and bleeding all the time, I could never get anything regulated. I am hoping that I can now. Speaking of, something weird is going on, I have been craving sweets. I have always been a salt person- as in eating it plain, but lately, I just want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream every day. I'm a little weirded out by that.

Anyway, those are just some things I want to try working on or with. I am kind of hoping that I can lose some weight before m wedding. I have no high expectations, but if I could lose twenty lbs, that would be nice. I've got 4-5 months to do it in. 

1st dumb thing my therapist has said and what's been going on lately

Apparently I am really drawn to my moon sign's element of fire lately. I keep gravitating to art and such with fire. It's weird, I usually go for water, the element of my sun sign. But, I'm not going to argue. Maybe it's part of the who Rune draw I did at Ostara. I drew Kenaz. A description of it is in the picture below. 

I would go into more explanation of this and why it actually means a great deal to me for this year, but I am bit exhausted. I've actually been internally at war with my depression monster and its getting worse. To be honest, I hate myself because I am so depressed most of the time that I can't stand to breathe. I'm either angry, apathetic, manic, or so depressed I just want to scream, cry, or break things. I don't tell anyone how bad it really is because no one can actually handle it or they just don't care. I pretty much try to stuff it all down so I can be as calm as possible, but it's so exhausting. There have been some new problems that have arisen for me personally that have made me feel even more defective and worthless. I actually was so upset and angry the other day I beat the shit out of my legs and then grew more furious because I didn't even get the satisfaction of having bruises. I couldn't even leave proof of my own anger somewhere. And then that made me angry because I swore to myself that I wouldn't get this bad again.

So I took most of these feelings and thoughts to my therapist the other day. She asked me about a coupe of things and then said the 1st dumb thing I have ever heard her say. She basically said that I made myself fat to become undesirable to push people away so they couldn't hurt me. What?! No, I got fucking fat because my damned hormones were out of wack and sometimes I eat my feelings. I never wanted to be undesirable. I never wanted this. Sure, I want people to leave me alone so I can write, but I want friends and family around. I want to go out and have fun. 

And with everything going on my Mom told me yesterday that she has a black spot in her mouth and she said without saying that she's afraid that it's cancer. It's possible. She's been a smoker since before I was born and at one time she smoked a pack and and half a day. 

Season's chill, adjustments, and doing things I dread.

Found this one on desktop nexus. Gonna look for the artist, love it this work!

Today I am trying a new schedule per se. I haven't typed it up and Amanda told me not to make it so rigid as my last one, but to allow for some flexibility. The purpose of this is for me to allow myself time and give myself permission to do all the things I want and need to do. A large part of my problem, I've discovered, is that I have been unconsciously waiting for someone to give me permission to do things. But why? I still don't really know the answer to that, unless it has to do with a lost of independence and self stability, self esteem, and confidence. Probably just hit the nail on the head right there. Any way, I am trying out 2 hour increments with wiggle room in case I go over on a few things. Frankly, as hard as it is going to be, I need to stop beating myself up about stupid shit.

This morning there was a nice chill in the air. I cracked the bedroom window last night and had the fan on the highest it would go. Because Amanda is a veritable furnace, I am still sleeping with just a sheet and summer quilt. She fuses that it's cold meanwhile I am loving it! Besides, the best part is getting to snuggle down in the covers or being able to curl up on the sofa in the living room with a cozy blanket, coffee, and the space heater for a little bit before having to take her to work. 

We have a winter bucket list of sorts. One of those things is to play in the snow when it comes. I want snow to come so bad. I'm the kind of person that finds the above picture so terribly inviting. I keep checking the weather radar looking for snow and complaining about all the other places around us that are getting it while we aren't. Some of my friends might think I  am sick, but damn it, part of the draw for me to move up here, was the promise of more snow. More snow means making more snow dragons, sofas, and igloos! 

Of course with all my hoping for snow and lots of it, this means that the tug of winter and the Yuletide season is strong. Amanda and I both have felt the pull to put away the Halloween decor and bring Yule back. We brought home an Xmas tree from her parents house and will be working on setting it up and other things over the next week or so. 

Lastly, today I am going to do things I dread. Because I am done with my current doctor and her bullshit- she claims that she didn't refill my depression medication because the pharmacy sent her a note saying that I am not taking it properly, which is total crap, and I still haven't received a referral for a GYN specialist like she said she was going to get me- I am on the hunt for a new doctor and I'm going to find my own GYN. Of course this means I will be on the phone with strangers, which after working in two call centers and having a breakdown from it, I pretty much stare at my phone with trepidation when it rings. If I know the person, I will answer, if I don't, forget it. And sometimes, I can't being myself to answer if I do know the person. I hate calling people too, unless, again it is someone I know, and generally speaking I don't like to have long drawn out conversations. But, unfortunately today I have to deal with my necessary evil and just get it done and over with. I'm promising myself a nap with it's done. 

      

Amanda's tentacle tea and paint party was not so tentacle-centric

I had so many amazing ideas for Amanda's birthday party this weekend... but they didn't really happen. I wanted to decorate so it looked like you were entering the sea- only darker because you'd be walking into Chthulu's (sp?) lair. Another idea was a cute, happy Eldergod's home for tea. Amanda has a lot of Octopi and some Chthulu plushies that would have been added decorations. In fact it was supposed to be a Tentacle Tea party! 

But nothing really worked out the way I had planned for her. In fact the apartment managers wanted me to play a game of "come chase us down for the key to the club house". We didn't have some things and thankfully we have some great friends who helped me cover food, especially since my back was locking up and hurting so badly yesterday. I had moments where I just wanted to cry because of the things I couldn't do. There's some other things happening yesterday that made it difficult. However, I think the party went on pretty well. 

We coupled her tentacle tea with a painting party. Amanda wanted us to work on spooky stuff, so I painted a sppoky house with a cat and a graveyard, complete with bats. Amanda painted the H.I.M. heartagram symbol with tentacles reaching for it. It was cool. 

One of our friends painted a pretty book picture and I really liked it. I liked it so much that I wanted to make one myself. I added space in the form of stars and the moon. I also added bats because they are cute!

When I woke up this morning, I must have still had the painting-artsy bug, because I saw down at the table and made this while Amanda made breakfast and coffee. I think it is one of my favorites and I want to make more. It;s watercolor where as the two above are acrylic. 

Anyway, I just wanted to get these up before I went to bed.

Waking songs, escape into art, and I'm not doing it until I have to.

Often I wake up with a song playing in my head, almost like a personal soundtrack stuck on repeat. We don't often listen to music while we sleep mostly because we don't have a radio/cd/record player in the bedroom, and also because pandora will drain my phone battery or do that "are you still listening crap". Oh and a lot of the streaming stations I used to listen to either don't exist anymore or seem to constantly buffer. Anyway back to the point, waking with music in my head. Most of the time it is a song I have heard recently that was stuck in my head during the previous day (it seems like if I'm not thinking about stories, agonizing over something that is bothering me, or tearing a subject apart, there's a song playing in my thoughts). But sometimes I awaken with a song that I haven't heard for awhile. Today it was Funeral of Hearts by H.I.M. 

Now that's kind of interesting because just recently Amanda bought me my 2nd vinyl record and its one of H.I.M.'s. I've  heard the album before but I haven't listened to the vinyl yet. Also, I saw the record sitting on the table yesterday when I was looking for something, but at the time, I had a much different song stuck in my head (I think it was something by Hildegard Von Bingen. I can't remember which song it was but I will link something of hers below), but isn't it weird and neat that something I saw yesterday could invoke a song that I wake up to? I kind of want to look to see if there is science on that.

Hildegard von Bigen

Nene Thomas

 Moving on. Nene Thomas is one of my favorite artists and when we first moved in our apartment, I was in the market to buy some of her art work for our walls. Well, I didn't have too much money to spend and I couldn't decide which piece I liked best, so I bought a calendar and some vinyl record frames and have several lovely pictures of hers hanging in the living room. The one above happens to be one of my favorites. Its a dark-haired witch with a little dragon and lots of my favorite color- green. When I sat down on the sofa with my breakfast this morning, I looked up and saw this picture. Without so much as a thought, I asked the picture "can I come in there today?" I'm not sure why or what spurred that on, it felt more like a sudden desire and impulse. It could also be my subconscious telling me that I need a little bit more time with escapism before I crack down and get to work. I'm only running with that thought because of yesterday's inspiration in watching some anime. I tend to draw my inspiration from things I watch or read and sometimes from music.  

To go along with that, I am not getting dressed until I absolutely have to. I'm also going to lay on the sofa and not beat myself up about taking a nap if I happen to fall asleep.  Fibromyalgia has been kicking my ass lately and so has the PCOS. Yesterday I jarred my back so badly while making dinner, I wanted to vomit, and I did it by hitting my elbow on something. Its nothing new, I do it all the time, but it has never hurt that badly before. Anyway, I am resting today so I can be more refreshed tomorrow. At least, that is my hope. I would like to make a grocery bag holder for my kitchen tomorrow and maybe start planning out my Halloween or Gothic Quilt.  Mary over at Autumn Moon Enchantment has been inspiring me through her blog and Instagram. I saw one of the quilts she is making on instagram and while mine probably won't be as nice (I've only made one small lap quilt) I still want to try more. 

An early morning farewell, a door opens, and some tid bits.

Aside from this piece of art being one of my favorites, I thought it was an appropriate image for how I feel at the moment. If one were to turn the Knight into the apartment my girlfriend and I are vacating, the Lady would be myself saying a soft and sweet farewell. Yet somehow I feel as if I could be the Knight riding off to said apartment to battle the task of moving out. However, for us we will not be returning to the happy and relieved arms of our apartment when all is said and done.

For the last week I have been scrambling and packing with a firm, unrelenting and dreaded deadline in fast approach. My back is still giving me much grief, my knees have decided to join the pain parade, and due to the extreme heat here in the mid-west, this moving experience has not been a pleasant one. In fact, I have been so frustrated and so stressed from lack of boxes, lack of time, or this or that, that I have quite literally tossed any sense of organization out the window and am just packing things as I go along in plastic sacks, trash bags, luggage ect... But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have very little left to pack and just have a little cleaning to do and come Friday afternoon, we'll turn in our keys and say "So long and thanks for all the fish".

My one class this quarter isn't going as well as I had hoped. I just got an update on my grade for the class and nearly cried. After all the work I put into making sure I had my book work done, I have a big, whopping F for the class and that's due to me not being caught up on the labs (which I am still in the process of doing). On top of that we just had a test with a study guide of over 100 questions and I studied and I looked over the study guide before the test and when I got the damned test it was only 15 questions long. Then my instructor went over the test after everyone had it handed in. I am pretty sure I only got 3 questions right. So, since my back was really giving me trouble and I was depressed, I left school during the second break.

However, despite all the negative, harrowing, and depressing things going on in my life right now, I had my first therapy session yesterday. I decided that I was going to see if I could get a therapist through social services program just so I could talk to someone outside my network of people and see if I couldn't get some other ideas on how to cope with stuff yada yada yada. Anyway, her diagnosis of me was that I have severe depression (I already knew that) and I have some social phobias. The session went well, I really like her, and she had some interesting things to say. I go back in two weeks and she said that she would have some things outlined for me to help me better deal with some of the problems I am dealing with. Leaving her office felt like a door opening to something really good. I really felt better.

Fun tidbits, my Dad helped me get the Dragon mask for this year's Dragon festival in Guild Wars. It;s pretty cool and eventually I'll log on and get a screen shot of it. My Mom and I are going to play with some of the gemstones she's been collecting and make some jewelry together and she's excited to show me some new TV series she's been watching. In a week or two we will have a friend from Idaho coming down to visit us, which will be awesome since we haven't seen her in almost two years! We really want to see her sister too, but they don't have anyone to take care of their animals so she's staying behind and will come later this year.

And lastly, I started watching this anime on Hulu while waiting for my Girlfriend to get off work one night last week. So far so good. I've only seen 4 episodes but it's interesting and when I get some more time I am really looking forward to seeing the rest of it.