Inspiration at the most inconvenient time, creating a new schedule, creating a space, dreams

art by Yuehui Tang

Here we are again, back to the sleepless night. This time, at least, it was because my brain took a flying leap down a rabbit hole. It began with the thought of how cold I was and that I really should get my ass in gear and make that Halloween/Gothic quilt I've been meaning to make. From there I pondered if I wanted to do some embroidery, and then I got to thinking about Christmas/ Yule presents I need to get started on. Of course from there I had to text myself from Amanda's phone some ideas which in turn made think of the embroidery patterns I have and that I should resize them and e-mail them to myself so I can print them out at the library tomorrow. And I also remembered that I need to resize a free envelope template I found earlier tonight. Then it was back to me being cold, not really tired, and that I should just get up for a little bit, get this stuff done, and then try to sleep again.  My brain seems to be the most active between 11 and 2 am when it comes to anything creative. Which has to be a left over habit from when I used to do the most writing during this time of night. I did that for years. 

I've decided, after all the depression crap last week, that I need to create and establish a new schedule. If I don't do it tonight, I will be doing it tomorrow. I've also decided that while I do like google calendar and will probably still use it, I really do prefer to have a planner. I love the planner I have purchased the last two years, but I really want something more personalized this year. My aim this year is to buy a fairly cheap one from wal-mart, nothing spectacular, and get some sticker paper, and print out planner stuff from online. Making some stickers of my own might be kind of fun too and would force me to dig out my digital art tablet.   

All of this being said, there's a been a bit of unrest for me within my house. I haven't quite found a space that feels right to do a lot of work. The kitchen table is nice but I can't really work on stuff there all the time. My desk is wonderful, but the bedroom is a disaster and lately Narcisa enjoys walking across or standing right on my keyboard. On top of that, I don't really have a spot to put up my writing manifestation board. I will figure it out, the important thing for me is to get off the sofa and into my desk chair if only because I tend to sit up straight more frequently and for longer periods of time. I also get up more and that will help with keeping my circulation moving.

Lastly, a couple of nights ago, I had a really interesting dream. I don't remember what I was doing, only that I told someone in my dream that I needed to get my camera, and get outside to try and get pictures of the supermoon. When I went out, there was a fully bloomed rose in the moon, much like that house is in the moon in the pictures above. It was interesting. I can't remember if I got pictures or not or what happened after. But I looked up the meanings on dream dictionary app on chrome. Together you can't really look up the meaning, but if you break it down, into rose and moon, then you get this:

Rose

The rose in dreams carries with it a great deal of symbolism. It suggests Perfection and Passion, Life and Death, Time and Eternity. It also represents the heart, the centre of life and as a psychological symbol symbolizes perfection. It contains within it the mystery of life and its grace and happiness.

 Moon

The moon represents the feminine and the spiritual self. How the moon appears to you in your dream suggests how close or distant you are from your inner feelings. For example, seeing a full moon means that you are closely in touch with your instincts and inner emotions.

In my case, lately I have thought a lot about life and death, not just for myself, but for family. I've thought about time, losing time or wasting it, and in so far as passion and perfection, I would say that I have spent sometime worrying over my passion for writing, and my constant need/desire/obsession to improve, to make it perfect, and so on. Where the moon comes in to play, I've been working on a spiritual aspect of my life. that I saw a full moon and have now learned what that means, soothes a great upset I've had for a long time. Some shit went down and for awhile someone made me distrust my own instincts and since then I have been trying to let that go, to move on and learn to trust them again and connect and deal with emotions and hurts I have buried for a long time. 

Oh boy, here we go again.

I saw my doctor yesterday. She's very nice and to be honest, she's the only doctor who has actually done anything to try and help me. But I left her office pretty upset yesterday. She put me back on that horrible birth control that gives me migraines, this time for 5 days instead of 7. But as soon as the 5 days are up, I have to start taking another 'high dose hormone' birth control every day. On top of that, she's sending me to get a sonogram and then to an obgyn. Since I can't afford specialty doctors or tests like this, she's sent me on vouchers. I don't know how much those vouchers actually cover. I just hope it's everything because other wise, I can't afford to go. And none of which I am looking forward to. I am however, thankful for her persistence in trying to help me.

So, today hasn't been a good day. I woke up with upset, hot, and nauseated around 4:30 am. I got up, had some tea, drank some water, and sat in the living room with the air conditioner on for a bit before going to bed, where I tossed and turned for awhile. I did manage to get back to sleep. However, when I awoke again it was with a migraine. The only bonus was that I finally had an idea of what my thesis statement would be and how I would write my Humanities paper. I will start on it as soon as I am finished writing this blog. I really have to get that paper done today because tomorrow I know I will feel worse. 

To go along with the migraine, I'm already having roller-coaster mood swings, and I've already cried once. Part of me just wants to shut the world out and return to bed. I feel like it's a live inside my own head kind of day- not the wallow in my physical and emotional pain sort of way- but a different kind of way. Sometimes, when things get to be too much or I just need some time to myself, I tell myself a story and I spend all day doing it. It is not always happy and not always sad, but something that just lets me be and relax, and get lost for a little bit. No one can hurt me, no one can bother me, it is just me disconnected from everything else (except the cats), living somewhere else. And it's really nice. The control that affords is liberating. Of course, I let my imagination run away with itself, but there is still a semblance of control.

Of course this is no way to live and I would miss out on the people, things, and opportunities of my real life if I did this sort of thing everyday. I don't do it very often but usually when I do I get some story ideas out of it. Better yet, I always feel a little better. Which is strange, because I hate wasting the day or wasting time, especially when I need to get some things done. Unfortunately, I can go play in my own head until after this paper is finished. One page is already written, yay!