Brooding is bad but I do it so well, adulting, and a cold, semi-dark house

Today has already been eventful. I got up, took Amanda to work not the park and ride bus stop, all the way downtown. I went to Starbucks, drove to Coeur d'Alene to pick up and pay for my medical records, stopped to get gas, went to Yoke's to get a money order, and paid the damned late fee for my apartment. Apparently there is some paperwork Amanda and I have to sign but instead of our landlord just giving it to me today to sign and bring back on Monday, she asked if she could give it to me on Monday because she is running behind on stuff today. I don't mind but I did ask for a work order which I am going to make copies of because Amanda and I have a lot of things we want to fix in this apartment, like the bathroom fan. It sounds awful, like it's going to fly out and kill us every time we turn it on or off. I think the only thing that is keeping it from doing so it the light. Then there is stove burner issue, the chipped paint they never fixed before we moved in (which we are happy to fix if they let us paint the hideous brown wall a different color), and we would like to have them tear the floor out in the kitchen so we can adequately take care of the ant problem and get the laminate flooring in that they are doing in other apartments. But we will talk to them about that later.

So aside from doing all of that, I've called the doctor's office I want to go to and left a message for them to call me back. It's 11:20 now and they are open until 12 noon. 

Now I just want a nap but I have homework to do. So I think I will either take a nap and set an alarm or do as much homework as I can until I fall asleep. 

Part of my homework is finishing my 20-25 page short story. It needs to get done. I know the more I write the better I will feel. I know the more I write, the more confidence I will have in my writing. These are things I know or at least hope for. But, I have little to no confidence in myself. I told Amanda yesterday that she's an amazing writer and that I am only ever going to be mediocre and that it was no reflection on her, that this is just what the vicious depression and anxiety monster in my head are telling me. It is so bad that I feel like I can't finish my assignment for school and if I can't do that then how the hell am I going to finish any of the books I've started and been working on? If I can't finish them, then what was the point in going back to school and it just spirals down from there. Damn it I really hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate how my stupid brain works. I hate that I don't have the confidence I used to have not just in writing but in life in general. And as much as I love my Mother, I hate that she asked me when I got to be such a wuss. I know she was asking because she is shocked and concerned and wants me to be apparently "bad ass" again, but I don't know if I will ever be. I bring that up because I keep hearing her voice in my head asking me that and I am disgusted with myself. 

Since I am feeling this terrible, I am sitting in my comfort zone. The blinds are closed, the air conditioner is on because the neighbors are out smoking all around and there is a lot of noise and allergens blowing around. And I am going to make arrangements to see about going back to therapy because I really think I need too.   

Panic at the desk, a sliced finger, and a hot, stale-air night.

A lot has been going on this week! We've have all been in and out of the house more than usual. Part of that was because home wasn't quiet enough or interruption free enough for me to get homework finished. Skoora's mother made it clear last Sunday that she doesn't see my homework of import. So, I drug a friend who has been staying with us to the library twice this week in effort to get some reading and work done. That works until the middle and high school vagabonds get out of school. There was actually a kid who sat near us detailing to a girl who he was apparently trying to impress, how much he'd cheated on his last girlfriend and he was spewing bullshit personal and religious philosophy. I didn't hear everything since I was trying to concentrate but I just want to go up to this kid and ask him if he could hear how utterly idiotic he sounds and then tell the girl that if she was impressed by this, then she was a complete moron and needed to get her head examined. I didn't. But I did leave when a gaggle of girls ran around giggling and chatting between the shelves with no respect for anyone else. My local library isn't that large so eventually someone would catch them so I didn't feel the need to report them to the front desk. 

If there is one thing that I hate most it's that I have panicked over homework. Yes, I got a head start on some of it. No it's not particularly hard or even out of my range of capability. But I could not seem to figure out what to write for my workshop class and as much as I love thee text book, I hate it too. It's made me far more self conscious than I should have been for a first draft. It actually took a panic attack, that release of emotion, and a phone call to my Mom for my head to clear out enough for me to even get an idea. I've been like this for quite awhile now and it's really disconcerting.

All of that said I've managed to get half of my humainities homework finished, read what I needed to read for my fiction workshop class, and even get an outline and first draft of a story written. However, I don't like the end and want to do some edits to clean the story up as well as tighten it. Of course, I need to fix the ending as well and I absolutely must do it tonight! I also need to finish the humanities homework tonight too. Why? Because a couple of friends, Skoora, and I are going to Medical Lake for Beltane tomorrow! It'll be a whole day of play and relaxation. I'm a little nervous of how many people are going to be there but at the same time, I really want to spend time with a few people I've been getting to know recently. Plus, MAYPOLE! Who can say no to that?! Lots of people, I know. Buy they are missing out! 

Going to the library hasn't been the only errands we've been running or will be running today. We've gone to Liberty Lake to pick up a bed for a friend, done general errands, and been to the grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store on the first of the month but when you haven't any food in the house, it's pretty much a necessity. So I braved the crowds and thankfully no one got too close or touched me this time. When I got home, we put groceries away and I split up the meat for meals to put in the freezer for later. I ran out of tin foil so I had to use parchment paper and saran wrap for wrapping and ended up slicing my finger on the serrated edge on the saran wrap box. I wasn't cut too deep but it stung and bled pretty well for a bit. Skoora had to come and help me with band aids and to finish with the meat. 

Last night our bedroom fan broke in the middle of the night. I was so upset. The weather is getting warmer here and Skoora is a freaking furnace! I did not sleep very well to say the least and with the humidity and no air currents in the room, I felt as if I couldn't breathe many times. Skoora checked the fan for me, it's toast!

Today I am buying a new fan either from a second hand store or from wal-mart. Probably from wal-mart because I just don't have the time to run to every second hand store in town trying to find a fan. I also have to take our friend that's stayed over home to drop off her groceries and laundry and then take her to work. After that, I am driving to Kellogg to pick up another friend and bring her into town for the weekend. She needs to run to a pawn shop and to wal-mart also. After all of that, we'll be donating plasma at 7 tonight and then I get to come home and make dinner. And finally after all of that is said and done and I can sit and relax, I'll be finishing up homework and trying to get to bed early so I can get up early and cook tomorrow before we head out.

Even now, I have to book it to get off here, eat, get dressed, and get out of here. ACK!