Things I want to say in the morning, breakfast, yesterday, and EVEOnline

This is my EVEOnline Character, Meili. She's in the Federal Navy Academy and about to go on a big mission. Well, she will go when I decide to play again. So far, I am frustrated with EVEOnline. There is so much to learn and remember and I'm not even out of the tutorials yet. Honestly, I am little worried of the day that happens. This game is very complex and you can basically do anything you want in it. No really, you can even kill people. You'll get into trouble with Concord and other people, but yeah... I am impressed, overwhelmed, and curious to see what I end up doing with this character. I'm thinking of going career military, but who knows, I might change my mind. It is also nice to play a game with my Dad, even if he has to walk me through a lot. He had to describe what I was looking for last night and it had to be obnoxious. But he said, that it wasn't just me, because he's had some of the same problems. 

Yesterday was not exactly a good day. I had two long running mild panic attacks. Basically the first one began and I managed to get myself out of it and then ten minutes later I had another one. So I put myself to bed, hoping that if I just laid down for a few minutes, I could ground a little better and kind of reset. Well, reset I did, and while I wasn't feeling the best, it was truly helpful. However, I do not want to start relying on going to bed, napping for a bit, to get back to functional. I have some thing my therapist wants me to try and I'm going to employ some of those.

This morning, it is really cold outside. I didn't have time to truly warm the car up before I took Amanda to the park and ride. Prior to that, we were lucky my body woke me to go to the bathroom, else we might have overslept. But as I got back into bed and Amanda told me that we could have ten more minutes but then we would have to get up, I didn't say "Fuck you up the Goat Ass" or "It's too fucking cold for your work bullshit" or even "If you don't shut up and go back to sleep, I'm going to strangle you". And I didn't hiss at the fact that it is a bright sun-shiny day either. Instead, I quietly rest my alarm, turned up the space heater to warm my back and hopefully help soothe the raging beast who hates morning, and rested for a ten more minutes.

After I got home, and of course that's when the car was finally starting to get warm, I wasn't sure what I wanted for breakfast. I thought perhaps a fruit smoothie. But it's cold, I am cold, and adding more cold didn't seem appealing. So I opened the fridge and saw the English Muffins. Score! I cooked up a little sausage while I melted butter on one muffin and melted swiss cheese and mushrooms on another. On the muffin with butter, when I pulled it from the oven, I added my Downton Abbey preserves that I got for Christmas/ Yule. Oh my is it ever delicious!

I turned around a little bit ago and found Thorin curled up on my dish towels. Sorry for the mess, the house is still a disaster and I have no drive to fix it. Well, I do, but lack the energy really.

Thorin also likes to walk across my computer, sit on it, and generally make mischief while I am trying to do anything on it. He just wants my attention, I know. But he also wants to be held. My solution, while he is still small, is to stick him in my hoodie. He seems to like it. He gets held, is warm, and I get to type. He and Narcisa aren't so different after all, I had to do much the same for her when she was little.

Dump time

Isn't it strange how it seems like a lot has happened only it really hasn't? Or vice versa?

I've not really had a good last couple of weeks health wise and so it has taken it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. Today I broke a little and had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in awhile. I've had one just about every day for the last couple of weeks, sometimes even more than one in a day, but today was by far the most intense. Skoora and her Mom had to help calm me down and I feel so awful that they had to see it. I don't like worrying people. But at the same time I was really glad that they were there. Had I been alone, I don't know how long it would have gone on. I am very exhausted now and could probably use a nap.

Panic and pain aside, I've been trying to make the best of things and try to keep moving. We had Skoora's little cousins over yesterday to watch Monster High and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. We showed the girls our dolls and our ponies and let them play. All three of them really enjoyed their time with us and want to come back, which is really nice because they are so fun.

Yoda-Chan has been rather clingy as of late. He seems to want to be everywhere I am and sometimes he insists on being on my lap or in my arms. I don't think he feels very well and I'm going to have to give him a bath again. He's managed to get his feet yucky again with cat litter. Galen has been a bit clingy too. At least in that he seems to nearly always be in the same room with me and even comes up and asks to be petted.

My Dad and I were talking sometime ago about what game we want to play next since it seems like everyone is moving over to Guild Wars 2 and most of the people in our Alliance don't want to switch anymore than we do. And because less people are playing the first set of Guild Wars games, our Alliance Leader seems to think that after a couple of years, they will shut down the servers. There is talk about us all moving over to Elder Scrolls when it comes out. That sounds like a plan to me. But I have been looking at the NCSoft website the last couple of years, checking out what other games they have, and I saw that Aion is completely free to play. So I downloaded it to try it out. So far, I am a level two mage and like it well enough. I also started a Technist character and a Priest character.

I haven't done a lot of writing. I've had a lot of trouble focusing and have been so depressed. But I can't keep letting the pain, depression, and anxiety get in the way of something that used to make me feel so... so, well, when I would get into the zone, I left me and everything else behind. It felt good. There was always something calming about my fingers taping over the keys and at some point I stopped seeing words on the screen and saw other places. I think, if I had someone to discuss and go over my stuff with it might encourage me to write more often and get me back to where I could just sit down at the computer and go at it. But I've not wanted to bother anyone with it which kind of goes back to one of the reasons I get depressed. The little things and the big things kind pile up and press on me until I can't breathe.

You know, sometimes I just wish I could have a mental or nervous breakdown. Then, maybe I could let go and get everything out of my system and start healing, get back to being the person I used to be. Stronger, more assertive, and less likely to take any shit from anyone.