Busy, first time in a long time, and friend and family problems.

There were so many pine needles! I raked the crap out of them for spring clean up... and then deeply regretted it that evening and for the next few days. Amanda helped, but she did most of the stone laying and some of the mulch work. Her mom did some too. 

After an unintended hiatus, I think I am back, at least for the foreseeable future. Today is the first day in over a month that I have actually opened my laptop and did anything on it. I've had it in my bedroom, the living room, and in the office with the intent of getting online to read blogs, check e-mail, and look up supplies for home improvement and decoration projects. Only I never did and for a number of reasons. 

The chief reason was that we were intermittently busy. On weekends we had shopping days, food prep hours, and had some company. We also had a couple of events. During the week, when I felt up to it, I was cleaning and watching anime and or TV shows on Hulu. 

The second reason was that my depression monster had been raging almost with a vengeance. With the drop in pain management from the one medication made the pain from flare ups higher and more intense, and more debilitating, which in turn made things harder emotionally and mentally. To top it off my Mom threw some stuff at me one day that was upsetting and then a couple of days later, before I'd had a chance to really explain my concerns and feelings about it to her, she called for a third time to let me know that her identical twin, my Aunt Laura, was in the hospital with renal failure. She wanted to let me know that if it came to it, that she would donate a kidney to her sister and wanted to know my opinion on the matter. As much as I don't like this Aunt most of the time, I don't want her to die. Further, I told my Mom that it doesn't matter what my opinion on her donating is, its her body and her sister, and I would never tell her what she could/should or couldn't/shouldn't do. That is her decision. Well, after getting off the phone with her and then processing everything, I got a little pissed and very worried. And then with those two matters plus the pain, some other things, and already raging depression, I fell into a horrible downward spiral. Things were so bad that Amanda literally said "you're drowning in this and I don't know what to do". 

But then, they got even worse. I had a horrible day one day, called Amanda at work, broke down and took a whole nerve pill at her insistence. I have been avoiding taking that med because I know it is addictive and I don't want it to become a crutch. I wanted to learn to work through and deal with stuff on my own. She also wanted to me to call a friend and see if someone could come over or if I could ask her parents to come up and sit with me. That's so much easier said than done. I have such a hard time asking for help. It takes so much to for me to tell people certain things. Surface stuff is easy. Occasionally I vent here and sometimes I vent a little to friends, but I know that people have their own problems and while I know my friends might want to help, I feel so guilty about adding to their stress. Even when I am internally screaming and hurting while giving a friend a hug, the guilt is so stifling, I just say, I'm fine or okay.

  Anyway, the medicine evened me out. For a few hours but then by the time we'd returned home from out D&D game, I was exhausted and the medicine had worn off and I was quite frankly just done. I told Amanda I was tried of fighting the fibro, the depression, the low back pain, my weight, my family, sometimes my friends, and just everything. She wanted to know if she should take me to the hospital and I told her I didn't know. Instead, she cuddled me and helped me get ready for bed. 

A day or so later, I can't really remember, we went to a friend's. I wasn't feeling that great, but I was trying and had decided to leave all my upsets at home and try to enjoy the day. Things were going well and then a friend asked me a couple of hours in, how I was doing. The moment I opened my mouth to reply said friend turned their head away and began talking to someone else. Amanda was just as surprised and almost as upset as I was and she took my hand. I think if she hadn't been there and we hadn't car pooled, I would have left. That is the very thing that reinforces and cements the core belief that I'm not worth anything and don't matter. Somehow, I shoved all that down and made it through the rest of the night. But it is still bothering me. A lot of things are. 

However, I have since seen my therapist. She gave me a back up person in her office to call if I can't get a hold of her and we talked about some other things. Its a work in progress.  I also called and spoke to my Dad for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things and after I felt loads better. He also was a bit frustrated with my Mom and assured me that no doctor would consent to my mom donating a kidney with her health the way it is (which I figured and others thought also) but that Aunt Laura isn't even eligible because she has M.S. So while that's upsetting in and of itself, the somewhat selfish silver lining is that I won't have the possibility of losing my Mom due to this instance. 

On to cooler stuff!

Meet Yukiko, our Japanese Snowblossom tree. We've been working on our front and back yards as well as the inside of the house. I will share the inside of the house when it is more cohesive, we're almost there but not quite. So back to the front and back yards. 

This is our strawberry patch. Amanda built the raised garden bed herself and planted the marigolds n the corners. She has since added a pot in the middle with a lily. She's also going to build one or two more of the raised bed for our veggies and I am going to take one of the house doors we found in the garage and make an herb wall. 

This is the majority view of the back yard. I'm not sure what we're doing with the large metal beds, that part of the yard doesn't get sun. So shady place flowers until I can make my meditation spot? Along the fence we're planting some flowers and some vegetables. The gravel part will be raked clean, weeds killed, and will eventually have flagstone or concrete pavers laid to make a patio. 

This is the other part of the back yard. You can't see the drive way and raised garden bed, they were behind me. What you can see is the garage and the small gated section behind it. We are thinking about clearing out that area behind the garage for pumpkins. We don't know if the small deck was supposed to become part of a larger project, but we might break that apart to and use the wood to build something else. I've decorated the side of the garage with wind chimes, and couple of bird feeders, and some yard decor from the Dollar Tree and what we had left over from our apartment. 

Amanda bought me this fairy solar light and I picked up the Peter Rabbit watering can from a Thrift store. I planted some daisy seeds in it. I have a couple of other pots I've planted some pansies in, but I need to get more pots or take some more of the yard for flowers. 

Lastly, I leave you with the kitties. Miss Narcisa took over my spot in the bed one night and presided over it like the head of the Black Cat Yakuza she is.

And here is Thorin, lazing atop the cat tree in the sunlight, leaning against the window frame. This is also a tiny teaser for my living room. Amanda calls my design scheme for the room "elegant nightmare". I just hope the end result lives up to it. So far there's a little elegance and a few somewhat creepy yet beautiful pictures. 

Coming soon... Craft projects.

The antics of cats, small breakdown, and it really will take a few months

This morning I am cold, tired, and ache all over, but I've been up since 4:48 am and been semi productive. I've made coffee, had breakfast, and started working on school stuff. And, I've even given the cats a morning treat. Narcisa was so pleased with me she brought me her blue mouse toy. That's her baby. It has been lost for awhile but it appeared in our bedroom last night. I am taking that as progress that she's beginning to relax a little. She's been a bit wigged out since before our wedding and the new house has a lot of new sounds she's not used to. And, she's been moved twice, so I think she's a little worried this isn't home yet. But her ottoman is here, her kitty tree is here, and some of other furniture and items are slowly making it into the house. 

Thorin took to the house just fine and was playing with toys as soon as we put the paper Torrid bag we were keeping them in, out. He's pretty good about going to the bag, finding what he wants, playing with it, and promptly losing it under the sofa. He has his favorites, of course, and lately, he's bee bringing me a small orange puff ball around 1 am. It doesn't matter if I am asleep, he will paw at me to wake me up and then he drops his little puff ball in my hand or on the pillow next to me and wait for me to throw it. In other words, my cat plays fetch and does so better than most dogs I have met. However, last night I threw the ball and it went behind the bedroom door. Narcisa saw where it went and went after it, and then I think she hid it because I couldn't find it for him this morning and he wasn't able to find it last night. But at 4:48 this morning there was a blue puff ball on the pillow next to my head, so he must have given up and gone after the other one in the toy bag. 

Back to things slowly coming in to the house. We're going to have to have a garage sale... Unless I say screw it and just donate everything. Amanda's going to go through some records, we've been going through some manga and books- yeah, I said books, there are some I don't figure I will ever read again or haven't read and probably won't. I need to go through some cds. We've got some kitchen ware I need to go through, clothing, and other assorted sundries. Meanwhile...

I have been keep a look out at thrift stores for Avon's 1870 Cape Cod ruby dish set. So far I have the serving bowl and the little cream pitcher. I think they are beautiful! Actually, now that I think of it, I have been collecting these too,

I have four of the glasses and two of the dessert glasses from this particular line. No, wit, I have three glasses because a friend broke one when washing it when I had surgery last year. She was so upset, but it's just a glass and I am sure I can find another. What matters was that she wasn't hurt. 

I've also decided that my house is not going to be clean- not in the way I would like- until we are done moving stuff in and going through it, which is frustrating and takes a toll on me emotionally. But hey, I found my fucking tea kettle, so at least I can drink tea while I stare overwhelmed at the mess. 

On a final note, while we were pulling things out of the garage yesterday, I was looking through some scrabooking paper boxes for a certain paper book for a project I want to do, when I came across the book I got specifically for our wedding. Instantly I crumbled in a tear filled meltdown over the fact that I have very little photos from my wedding and those that I do have aren't very good, my parents were there and that still hurts, and Amanda's trying to make up for everything we didn't get to do at our wedding this summer, with a Black Moon Ball- which I will talk about later. And of course it didn't just stop there, my brain quite happily lept right off that cliff and went down an awful spiral. To be honest, I have suspected this was going to happen. I don't even think that twenty minutes sobbing in the garage was the full episode, I think that might have just been the precursor. I would rather that was all and that I was done with it and moving on, but if it isn't, well, it is what it is. I'll deal with it like I always do. 

The lists, the cats, a tattoo idea, and eclipse.

My Dad used to tell me to "expect the worst and hope for the best". He also used to tell me that "this is as good as it gets, so you got to suck it up and get on with your life". My Dad struggles with depression and anxiety and I doubt it was easy for him to see his daughter going through the same and reporting that it hurt to wear her clothes and that even her hair hurt. We didn't know about fibromyalgia back when I was in high school and it wasn't until my Senior year that I was diagnosed with depression. Dad was working 40-80 hr work weeks, on call, and was worrying over my Mom. It was the sagest advice he could muster. 

Sadly, its all true, except for when I can't get on with my life. The world keeps moving when I fall down and then I'm stuck playing catch up when I can get back on my feet. I hate it. Lately, despite the happy fact that I am getting married, that the drama over whether or not my parents would come is thankfully over, I've hit a wall. The world keeps moving, like it always does, and I'm caught behind a glass wall watching.  I realized sometime last week, as I looked at the state of my house, that I need help pure and simple. Amanda is working overtime, I'm exhausted, hurting, or just don't have the spoons to rev my 'get up and go' engine. I hate that I can't vacuum the living room without hurting myself. I hate that I can't effectively advocate for myself at the doctors office. I hate that I can't be functional enough to go out, get even a part time job so I can help Amanda with the bills and so we have more options in regards to buying a house.  Most of all, I hate how much its eating me up inside, the panic attacks on the bedroom floor, and so on. 

But, the other day, when I was taking an hour- if I am honest it was two- for self care and perusing pinterest, I came across a quote from Jane Austin: I am half agony, half hope. I thought, that's me in a nut shell. I agonize over what I can't do anymore, what I'm not anymore, and hope that I can turn it all around and have better days. I decided that I am getting it tattooed on me somewhere, in the near future with the the semicolon below it, because that too is me. 

On to happier things.

I have a lot to do today. 

1. I have a few errands to run.

2. I need compile the final list of wedding invitations and get them ready to send out. Amanda wants to add a couple more people from work. 

3. I need to take stupid paper work to the apartment management office (the bastards).

4. And I need to clean up my kitchen so I can make dinner tonight.

5. I also need at least a half hour nap because I feel like shit and want to have a tiny energy boost before I head out. 

6. I also need to place an order on amazon for a special sewing ruler.

I took Amanda to work this morning and the two places two places I need to go still aren't open yet. 

This week's list is:

1. Compile a list of what is left to get for the wedding.

2. Clean the bathroom

3. Find a coat hook thing for the wall (I want something specific) and possibly a bench we can sit on to put on shoes and store shoes under that I can actually reach under.

4. Keep editing stories.

5. Keep the cats from breaking any more dishes. 

Speaking of my adorable balls of fur, both of them have been so sweet and cuddly the last couple of days. Narcisa has been playing more, wanting more attention, and has generally been in a better mood. Thorin has always been an attention seeker but lately he's been talking a lot more. Mostly he wants more food in his bowl- despite the fact that he nearly always has some still in it, but sometimes he's just talking to get my attention as if to say "I'm awake now and I'm coming to find you for love and cuddles". This morning I awoke to one of his favorite toys on my pillow. While I was trying to wake Amanda for work, he was playing on my Vanity and discovered the press lights I'd purchased to put around my mirror so I'd have more light for make up. As you can imagine I was a little spooked when I heard a strange clicking noise, saw flashing lights, and me not being completely awake, had a scary notion of ailen abduction for the briefest moment- at least until I realized what was what. 

Thorin is also getting quite resourceful. He still doesn't cover his poop with cat litter yet he knows he needs to cover it. So he has taken to pulling down clean towels or laundry left on the floor, into the cat box. Neither he nor Narcisa soil it, which is a blessing, but still eww. On top of that, he's decided to start pulling tissue or the wrappers from pads from the trash can to cover his ick. I can't really get too upset over it, he is trying, just not the right way. 

Lastly, I hope those who could see the eclipse, got to see it. We were supposed to go over to a friends house to spend the night and see it, but Amanda's Aunt Nancy died this weekend. So, we nixed those plans, because Amanda had to work the day of the eclipse too and we were both too tired to drive that far. Well, Sunday a friend here in town invited me over to watch it with them, and well, I thought okay, it's not that far, and I could go home when I needed too. 

It was a nice quiet, viewing affair. I was so tired that I didn't have my usual nerdy gusto for things space related, plus prior to the eclipse the sun was bright and brutal on my eyes, lol. But I still enjoyed it. I am sad to say that once we were inside the house, I crashed hard on my friend's sofa. I woke up for a little bit and then crashed out again. Apparently, they tried to wake me to see if I would take one of them to the store and found the not-awake-conversation with me hilarious. I don't remember the conversation. Anyway, because it was also a new moon that night, one of our friends wanted to do a fertility ritual. She's trying to have a baby. Amanda and I helped with the spell and headed home because we were both exhausted. However, I did make a spell candle, funnel some intent and energy into it, and have been lighting it off and on for them to help. No, I don't think it is overkill. I think anything and everything that can help will help.

Needy Assholes, weekend of fuck it, and think I'm going to need a special ruler.

After the emotional word vomit of my last post I decided to have a weekend to try and get some shit together, as in to clean the house and then relax. It was Amanda's weekend to work so that makes it a little more difficult, in that she's more worn out. It did not help that the Editorial staff of the paper made a choice that had people calling up to cancel their subscriptions. They put an anti-transgender article written by some religious figure in a column section instead of in the opinion section. And they probably could have avoided the uproar had they prefaced it with something like, "we as a paper believe in free speech and want to let all opinions be heard equally, however this opinion does not reflect the opinions of this paper and its staff".  So, yeah, she got to deal with that shit and since I wasn't feeling good, we kind of said fuck it this weekend. 

We did get the clean clothes hung up and some laundry done. We did tidy up the bedroom. Amanda did the dishes for me while I organized the pantry and she even cooked. All that is left is to clean up the weekend mess in the kitchen, pick up and vacuum the living room, and clean the bathroom. But we can take that slow today. 

We have also been working on a story together and that's been fun and helpful,

Another helpful thing we did to relax, was to finally use the theater gift card a friend gave us for Yule to have a date day. We saw Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, a movie based off a graphic novel series. It had a simple plot, but it was fun. The visuals were really nice, the pacing was smooth, and the characters likeable. My favorite character was Bubble and my next favorite was the converter because it was freaking adorable. 

After the movie we went to a grocery store and decided to have a junk food night. We bought icing for the cakes we have in the pantry- they've been in there forever! We also bought Earth Balance Popcorn (we don't have a microwave and don't want one so when we want popcorn, we have to get it from Rachel or buy it already popped- helps cut down on how much of it we eat). Lastly, we  bought chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I'm not sure how I feel about the ice cream. I don't really eat a lot of sweet stuff and the ice cream seems richer and almost too sweet. It could be the brand. I wouldn't know, I don't get it often enough and when I do, it's typically in blizzard from Dairy Queen, which is almost never. Anway, we took it all home and were going to watch a scary movie to continue day day, but Amanda fell asleep. It was fine.

Our cats were pretty excited that, aside from Amanda going to work and us leaving for the movie, we were home all weekend. Both of them were all over us, Naricsa with her desperate need to lick us, and Thorin's need t curl up under the blankets with us. I generally keep the air conditioner set at 65-70 and since it blows at the sofa, we like to curl up in blankets when we get chilled. Thorin still hasn't managed to figure out that to cover his pee and poo, he simply needs to use the litter. Instead he likes to drag any dirty clothing over and into the litter box or and my personal favorite, he pulls towels down and does the same. He also still hasn't figured out that racing between our feet or cutting us off suddenly while we are walking, is hazardous to his health. He does that weaving between our legs thing too.  One I'm already unsteady with the random moments of vertigo from my meds. Two, if we fall we will get hurt, or squish him. And Three, if he makes me fall, I'm giving him a bath. They were also both into stuff this weekend and I awoke to find the dish we'd put their treat (wet food) in broken on the floor.  It;s a good thing we love them.

Last night I had another wedding nightmare. This time it was realizing that we were only a week away and we didn't have things finished. So, this morning, I decided that I was going to stop waiting on Rachel to let me know when she is ready to show me how to expand a pattern. I can read about it, but I need to see it being done. It finally dawned on me that I could see if there were tutorials on youtube. There are, I'm just not entirely certain it's going to work. The pattern I am using only goes up to size 10-12 (I believe) and I need it to fit size 30-32 (they didn't have it larger, I scoured the pattern drawer it was in). But I have an idea of how I'm going to check to make sure its going to fit.   I am making a bolero for myself and when it is finished, I am making a cloak for Amanda, using a different patter but it needs to be expanded too. But, I think I am going to have to get a style designer ruler because it has the curve edge. Not a problem, Walmart and Joanns both carry them. Oh and I also need to pick up a some sheer, red fabric to add to my dress. I'm doing a simple, temporary overlay that can be easily removed without hurting the dress itself. Basically I'm dressing up the dress for the wedding and dressing it down for more everyday use.    

Territory, Warm Mochi, and Shit!

Don't fuck with my friends!

Mostly people, if they are paying attention, can pick up that I am territorial. I'm territorial of my space, sometimes my time, and most certainly of my family and loved ones. I can be territorial of my friends too, but mostly, I'm super protective and that's not something I share often, because as Fiona remarked once, I can get really intense. Of course, I don't think Fiona has ever had someone get really fucking angry over how certain people in her life treat her. 

So, while I have been helping Rachel with her kettle corn stand at the farmer's markets, I've done a lot of people watching. People are so fucking snooty and rude. Yesterday some woman gave Rachel a dirty look and she said something to me about it. I was in the middle of eating my lunch of mushroom, carrots, the apple cinnamon oatmeal cup thing I made, and one Mochi. Mochi is a Japanese sweet treat made of rice flower and sweet red bead curd in the middle. Since it was warm out, so too was the Mochi. Anyway, I asked Rachel if she wanted me to go throw my Mochi at the woman. I told her I couldn't guarantee that I'd actually hit her, but I'd give it my best shot. She thought that was funny. But I was hot, tired, aching, and had run through most of my "nice, pleasant, polite, sweetness" that I generally endeavor to operate on. Point of fact, put me out in summer heat, in mostly direct, bright sunlight, lots of noise, screaming/ whining children, and barking dogs, then add rude people into that, and I start getting cranky. Mostly it's the heat and sunlight. I hate being hot and I have a sensitivity to light plus the stupid sun allergy and no that's not me simply being Goth and Vampire centric. That's me being cranky and pissed that someone was giving my friend a dirty look.

I had another moment of that today while I was covering another farmer's market for Rachel. She had something she had to do today so she prepopped or me last night and dropped me and the stuff off today. Well, an old man was bitching and actually said he was going to have to get after Rachel for there being burnt kernels of kettle corn in every bag he picked up. Okay, no. The kernels weren't burnt. They were barely brown and if he really had a problem with it, I would have happily handed his money back to him. It wasn't really what he said, it was how he said it. But since this is Rachel's business, I plastered a smile on my face and mentally punched him. 

As the afternoon wore on, I ended up taking out the notebook in my purse and started working on scenarios in which I worked the snoots into a story idea in which they met a grisly end or unfavorable fate. It was a great way to vent my frustration and pass the time. The market was slow. Really slow. Slow enough that I was able to read 30 pages in novel, people watch, and write short bits.

The really shit parts of my day consisted of listening to my Dad vent about my Mom and knowing exactly how he feels and at the same time knowing that on some level my Mom can't help some of it. Still, when you are there, dealing with it, it gets very overwhelming.  Then I got a letter in the mail about my student loans informing me that I have to pay a portion or all of the interest by July 31st and I just got them deffered because I can't pay them at the moment. I haven't had a chance to read the letter in detail, I just skimmed through it. And I got a big packet from them too, which makes me nervous. I am still having pains in my stomach around the surgery incisions. Surely I should be completely healed up in that department by now.

On a happier note I got to cuddle with Thorin for quite a while this morning. He was by the door when I got home too.  Tomorrow I am going to do some stuff for me while I recuperate from the last two days. I was thinking about setting up on the sofa to watch anime and cuddle with the cats. I thought about keeping the curtains closed and turning the air conditioner down to about 65 so I could curl up with a soft blanket and pillows too. I have Green Tea ice cream and Sangria sorbet for treats if I want something sweet. Oh and I made bread the other night, so I can make grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch! 

I made stuff, migraine, fatigue, bad sleep, and cuddly cats

Remember that picture I posted of myself the other day. Well, this one is a better one in my opinion. 

I have been pretty busy these last several days. We went shopping at Fred Meyer for groceries and then we checked out a new store called My Fresh Basket. It opened up in Kendall Yards. My Fresh Basket a bit pretentious but they do have some specialty things that we haven't found elsewhere. I bought a bar of Sandalwood soap as a treat.  Anyway, because we have adopted a new food diet, I made sure we had plenty of fruits and veggies, which meant that I was in the kitchen cutting, slicing, and chopping- doing food prep- pretty much most of the weekend. When I wasn't doing that, I was cooking or baking. I made a peach pie and a Strawberry pie- both of which have been eaten. Last night I made eggplant parm without the parm. I also decided to make my own Popsicles. The above was supposed to be strawberry pomegranate but I forgot the pomegranate.   

This one is lavender lemonade with real lavender. I also used some of my lavender syrup, not a lot. 

Here is peach pineapple.

And this is vanilla matcha. I have a vanilla coffee syrup and I used just a little to sweeten the matcha.

I have been very exhausted the last several days. I have trouble focusing and staying awake sometimes and others I feel sick. At night I've had some trouble sleeping in bed again and end up on the sofa. Today, I woke with a migraine and it only grew worse as the day progressed. Thankfully, after some coffee, alieve, and laying down for a bit, its disappeared. However, I tried to make vegan apple cinnamon breakfast cups and misread the recipe for lack of being able to focus, and put in too much vanilla. Amanda had to take over for me and double the recipe. That did the trick. I decided to make bread today. It has been rising a little longer than usual, but I need it to double in size and with the air conditioner going, it's been a slow process. 

I am a bit annoyed with my Mom. I called to talk yesterday and during our conversation she informed me that I wasn't going to lose weight just because I decided to go vegetarian. Um, thanks. What the fuck?! I don't get it. We were vegetarian for a whole year when I was a kid. They still cook stuff from the vegetarian cookbooks they have, granted it's not much, but still. Plus me being vegetarian affects her in no way except for the the week or so she and Dad will be visiting in October. If she's worried that I am going to become one of those self important, high horse, condemn you for eating meat vegetarians, she's mistaken AND she should know me better than that. More importantly, I should have to feel that I have to justify myself for trying to see if this will be better for me health wise and reduce my physical pain.

On a much happier note, my cats have been very cuddly lately. Even Narcisa. She actually let me lay my head lightly on her last night. She even purred! 

Background nostalgia, angry sass, and what the fuck was that?!

Lately, as in within the last week or so, Amanda and I have begun our mornings with coffee and watching NHK World. Generally we get half an hour of news and then half an hour of whatever program comes on before or after it- just kind of depends on when we turn on the TV. Then she heads off to work and I leave the channel on in the background while I either take a nap or begin puttering about the house doing whatever it is I need to do. Sometimes I just sit and watch it for a little bit. But I was trying to figure out why I like having it on so much, I mean other than the channel having news I can actually stand and some interesting programs about Japan and Japanese culture. While I was in the bathroom today, I could hear it and realized after I had an odd memory tug, that it is nostalgia. It is summer, the air conditioner is making the house pleasantly cold, and the sound of a news caster filling the house reminds me of summers growing up. My Mom used to watch the news at noon before her soap operas came on for the afternoon. Our house nearly always felt cold and it was nice because I could curl up with a blanket and pillow and just be. So, in this sense, I suppose its a comfort.

This weekend I let some of my normally restrained sass out. I was saying all manner of things. It happens when I get pissed. Aside from hurting my knee, my heel cracked, and the damned neighbor kids were driving me nuts. Now, instead of just ripping up the grass and throwing it and twigs at my patio door, they are banging on the glass. All day the other day they were doing it no matter how many times I asked them to stop. I told them they could look at the kitties but they had to stay off the patio. I was ignored. After about three times of asking them to go away, I snapped at them. It didn't help. The lady who watches them wasn't doing anything and at the advice of Chris, I will be filing a formal complaint. My agitation continued througout the day and into the next. I also had some weird ass dreams that unsettled me and I don't remember why. I know that the Queen of England and Benedict Cumberbatch was in one dream and there was something to do with WW2, and a table in a room with markers and construction paper. I am still bothered by it. 

Yesterday was better. Amanda and I had a bit of a lazy day. She did some laundry and made us breakfast and we both made dinner. I made some no bake cookies with sunflower butter and we watched a comedian on Netflix. I started an anime but ended up turning it off to go to bed early. By that, I mean I laid on the bed and played with Thorin for a little bit. That's where I got myself into some trouble. Amanda came in and wanted me to move so we could put the clean sheets on. I had been laying on my stomach and as I rolled, sat up and started to slide off the bed (our bed is up high) I had one of the most horrible pains throughout my middle that I have ever felt. I can't even really describe it except that it was so bad I wanted to vomit and got that cold clammy pass out feeling. It subsided a little after a few minutes, but I was so sore after that I could't get comfortable in bed. I ended up sleeping on the sofa, which sucked. I still don't know what the hell happened. I feel better today. My friend Chris thinks I pulled some muscles. Could be. 

The good news for today is that I did my hair and make up today. I haven't felt up to doing either in awhile. I also signed up for Fat Girl Yoga, the first class is free. I figure that will give me enough of an idea of whether or not I can do it to see if I want to continue on and register for more classes. I also figure it will give me an idea of how best to position myself so I don't hurt myself. Other than that, my friend Chris is coming over for dinner tonight and we may or may not paint. 

10 minutes in the sun, camping, cats

My cats are all over me today. In fact, Thorin has been following me all through the house, he's been very vocal, and Narcisa has be super cuddly. They missed us. We were only gone two days and one night. I don't know what they will do when Amanda and I go on our honeymoon after we get married. 

We went camping this weekend. There wasn't a need for us to rush this time and we took it easy getting to our friend's house out in the country where we were camping. Because we were the only couple staying with a tent, we decided to camp inside for the night. That made Amanda happy, she didn't have to pitch the tent. We had dinner, drank, and played Cards Against Humanity. We also spent some time just talking before bed. That was Saturday. Yesterday, we had breakfast and eventually made it outside to make altar cloths with sun developing dye. After that we me our friend's Grandma before doing a small ritual for midsummer before dinner. It was getting a little late, so we headed home. It was a nice relaxing and easy going weekend. 

I'm losing my vampire tan. In the ten minutes I was in direct sunlight yesterday, I got a little sunburn. It isn't bad, but it is a enough that  my face and chest are hot and sore today. I don't seem to have broken out in hives this time, but I am itchy. I'm hoping that my allergy medication is helping with the brunt of that. Amanda was in direct sunlight a good deal longer and was very red last night. She even had some bumps. 

I am taking it easy for the rest of the day because tomorrow I am helping my friend Rachel with her Kettle Corn stand at a farmer's market. She bought my parent's plane tickets so they could come to my wedding and I'm paying her back by working for her once a week. I'm still in shock that she would do that for me. I'm so grateful and when she did, I just wanted to cry. I am also very nervous about helping her. I'm not quite walking for five minutes a day (without a grocery cart in front of me to lean on) but I do get to sit down. There's also a good deal of nervousness because while I know I will work my ass off for her (the market she's at on Tuesdays is very busy) I don't want to let her down or mess something up for her. But, at the same time, like one of my other friends said, it will be good for me. I might get a little of my confidence back. 

Tree and flower sex, Hushed Whispers, blanket monster, new meds, and laying it on the table.

Hushed Whispers by Katorius on Deviant art.

Last night I began taking new depression medication. I'm not sure how that's going to go, but today I'm feeling pretty good. Well, aside from my OTC allergy medication not quite cutting it. It is that time of year when all the trees and flowers are having sex and spreading their yellow sex dust around. Every time I go to the car I see a thin yellow layer of it on the windshield. Still, I have far less trouble living in the Northwest than I did growing up in Kansas. But the last couple of days I have had watery eyes that somehow still feel like sandpaper every time I blink. On top of that, I suspect an algae bloom or something in the water because my stomach is not happy. The weather has also turned hot and sunny this week, thus I have turned on the air conditioner. 

Thorin loves to sleep with Amanda and I. Often times, he will sleep between us but lately, since it's been hot in our bedroom and we've not used blankets, he's been sleeping near my feet. Well, that's fine, until he attacks your toes and feet for daring to move. When there are no blankets, the blanket monster is on vacation, but try telling him that. So, not only is it hot in the bed, not only is Amanda a veritable furnace when she sleep, not only does she snore and laugh in her sleep, not only does she like to slip her hands under me and try to push me off the bed in her sleep, but Thorin likes to attack me. It is a miracle that I get any sleep.

Hushed Whispers, the art piece above, felt oddly appropriate today. Sometimes it feels like the characters from my stories are the phantom in the picture, whispering to me, trying to pull me in their direction, which is freaking awesome, except several are doing it all at once and I can't seem to decide who to go with. I get a little discombobulated with it all and sometimes even feel a little guilty when I am giving one set of characters attention over the others. To normal people that probably sounds absolutely bonkers, but if you are a writer, that might make sense or at least you might be able to sympathize. Needless to say I haven't written anything since I finished the fanfic story, but I have been going through some of my old stories, some of the short ones, and there's so much I want to play with. 

Okay, as uncomfortable as this is, I'm going to lay some things out on the table in the hopes that I can help myself get the ball rolling again. I'm trying to lose weight. At the moment I'm sitting at 403 lbs and with my pear shaped body (thank you Great Grandma Ester), I look more than frumpy. I've been given the "okay" by my doctor to start doing light exercise like walking and other things, so long as I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back and I am to be careful of my core muscles because I should be finishing up the healing from the hysterectomy. Just because it was five small incisions, my abdominal wall was cut into and the doctor doesn't want me to get excited do some crunches or something and hurt myself. That said there are some sit and be fit exercises I want to look up and try and we blew up my yoga/palates ball for me to sit on. Funny story, I actually fell off it recently, or rather I lost my balance and rolled back into the sofa. I hit my back and got stuck and Amanda had to come and save me.  

So, I told Amanda no more fast food. If we are going to eat out, let's just go to a restaurant. It will cost more so we don't do it as much and it will be more enjoyable. Secondly, we have to cut down the portion size. It's hard sometimes. When I was having hormonal fluctuations with the PCOS and bleeding all the time, I could never get anything regulated. I am hoping that I can now. Speaking of, something weird is going on, I have been craving sweets. I have always been a salt person- as in eating it plain, but lately, I just want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream every day. I'm a little weirded out by that.

Anyway, those are just some things I want to try working on or with. I am kind of hoping that I can lose some weight before m wedding. I have no high expectations, but if I could lose twenty lbs, that would be nice. I've got 4-5 months to do it in. 

Well done good Sir, up all night, looking at houses

Thorin Oakenshield being fancy.

I had plenty of cat company last night while I cleaned the sink/vanity part of the bathroom last night. Naricisa held down various towels for me, stared at me, judged me, that sort of thing. Thorin mostly played in the bathtub of the other half of the bathroom. He likes to chase his tail and bite the shower curtain liner, rip the magnets out of said curtain liner, and play with any bit of trash that happens to fall on the floor. Of course when I had the vanity counter cleaned and everything out back to where it needed to go, both cats wanted to be on it. So, I grabbed one of my vampire fang hair bows, and decided to see if the cats would let me put it on them. Narcisa mostly wanted to eat it and she hardly deigns taking photos, but Thorin actually let me put the bow on and get a couple of pictures. This one was a bit blurry, but the best one overall. He looks so adorable!  

So yeah, I got one little bit of my house cleaned up last night. I am hoping to get the kitchen cleaned up this afternoon and maybe work on the living room while watching something. Of course now that I have said that, I will probably do the opposite... here is the hoping that now that I have said I will probably do the opposite that I will actually get something accomplished. If you made sense of that, you get 100 cool points because I don't even know if I made sense of it. 

I've been up all night. I think the energy of the full moon is playing a role in that. Amanda dropped her soda the night before last and then the laundry detergent fell off our dryer (we have a stacking washer and dryer, the washer was going and doing it's wiggle shake thing and boom! Detergent everywhere). She was convinced that we had bad juju in the house. It is possible. I mean, I've been uber depressed or apathetic lately and she's not been much better. That shit collects. 

Amanda and I have been looking at houses. Our state has a first time home buyer's program that we are looking into. We're going to their class this weekend. I don't know how it will go or if this is even something we can or will want to do, but we need something different, a sense or permanency. So we've been poking about some online house listings. 

I actually think I am starting to get tired. I'm going to latch on to that. 

Blood Bank, Don't Trust the B**** in Apartment 23, and what goes up must come down

Shell Overlord 

Amanda wanted to have someone to fangirl with her over a yaoi webcomic she found called Blood Bank. So I decided to start reading it last night. I finished it this evening and it was really good. I adore Shell Overlord, the impossibly adorable Vampire. The comic itself is about a post cataclysmic world in which Vampires are on top and humans are subservient. Its sexy, fun, and then gets dark, but I enjoyed all of it and recommending checking it out if you don't mind vampires, BDSM, or yaoi (m/m). 

My cousin Shi-chan recommended I watch Don't Trust the B**** in Apartment 23. It is a comedy series starring James Vander Beek and Kristen Ritter. So far, I really like it and bonus, Amanda is watching it with me! She doesn't really like Kristen Ritter, but I do. She also doesn't always like comedy shows, but well, I do. But I like lots of things. Anyway, it's on Netflix. 

I didn't sleep well last night. I was reading until I fell asleep. I woke up for a little bit this morning but had the beginnings of a migraine, so I lay down on the sofa and slept more. I got up when Amanda came back from running an errand, we watched netflix for a little bit, then we decided to make dinner. Only for some reason I had a strange burst of mania and was extremely energetic, singing, rolling back and forth through the kitchen in a chair, and then it all came crashing down without warning and I ended up having an ugly sob-fest. Amanda took over making dinner and I went to the sofa to read for a little bit. I'm a bit freaked by it actually. I've never had a swing so quickly like that. I'm okay now, actually, I feel a lot better, but I've spent the last couple of hours reading and then Amanda and I talked about some writing stuff. I don't know, but it will be something I talk to my therapist when I see her again and then maybe even my doctor. 

Aside from that, we're lamenting the loss of the coffee pot. Thorin decided he simply had to jump up on top of the refrigerator, the only problem with that was that he knocked over the coffee pot I had just cleaned and also a glass that banged into and broke the coffee pot. So now we're going to see if we can find a replacement at a thrift store, because the replacement is 15 dollars on Amazon and to get the coffee pot plus the maker is like 24, which we think is really dumb. So, yeah. And wouldn't you know it our little boy had quite the little bitchy face! I love it! 

Feeling like crap, affirmations, found things

In the comments of my last post, I mentioned to a friend that I would post a couple of the affirmations that I have on some manifestation boards in my house. I went on an affirmation seeking excursion on pinterest several months ago and only saved the ones that I really liked- or rather the ones I felt I needed most or that felt like me. I saved a couple of writer's quotes too. Anyway, the above affirmation is kind reminding me that I don't need permission to do what I need or want.

I love Lily Munster and I felt this was really great for how hesitant I've been about dressing and doing make up the way I've wanted to for years. It's weird, I don't give a shit about what the general public thinks, but my Grandparents and parents, their opinions hit me harder than anyone else's. Took me getting to age 33 to say fuck it and come out of the Belfry completely. 

Damn straight! I love this one! Its bad ass and speaks to the side of me that says "fuck with me and I will end you". Yes, I do have a side like that and no, I don't let it show very often. Mostly because I've been a people pleaser all my life. Hence why it took until age 33 to really come out as goth. 

Moving on to a few author's quotes: 

"True Alchemist do not change lead into gold; they change world into words" ~ William H. Gass

"You only fail if you stop writing" ~ Ray Bradbury

"Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass" ~Anton Chekhov

Do these work? For me, I think they do. Whether or not I am putting on make up at my dressing table or working on something at my desk (the two locations that I have these boards) I've seeing something positive that I want to bring into my life or inspire certain elements within me. It;s not a 100% fool proof thing, but I think about 75% of the time they do help and I will take that.

For the last week or so I've been pretty worried about not being able to find some world building notes for a novel I've only sort of started. I keep rewriting the first chapter because I'm not sure where I want to go with it. The truth is, I don't know my characters as well as I would like. They didn't come fully formed, per se. So I am going to use some worksheets I found online to help develop them- again, I found them on pinterest. Anyway, I spent some time in the other room looking and found them!!! They are a disorganized mess. I'm going to have to rewrite them and then transfer them to a word document. Then I'm going to make a reference guide for the story and see how that works for me in as far as plotting and keeping everything together. In other words, I am going to see if putting in extra effort to be organized instead of having chaos all the time, will help me accomplish the damned novel.

I have felt like crap the last couple of days. The depression monster is really kicking my ass again. It also doesn't help that I awoke in pain again this morning and on top of that, Narcisa decided that it was time to bug the shit out of me. She was knock things over on my nightstand, trying to eat my hair, trying to lick me, and would not stop. And if that wasn't enough, Amanda kept slipping her hands under me and pushing me toward the edge of the bed. She almost pushed me off a time or two. I kept waking her up to tell her to stop and the minute she was asleep, she'd shove her hands under me again. One, it hurt and two, it was pissing me off. And then she got really snippy with me for being pissed at her. I just wanted to be left alone to sleep! Of course, Amanda found it funny when she I told her about it later. I didn't. After I took her to work this afternoon, I ended up on the sofa with the heating pad to try and soothe my body. I also took two Naproxen Sodium to take the edge off. I have got to get a handle on this pain. I need to be able to move!   

Bed, pants, and happy cats

A facebook friend of mind shared this and I nabbed it, because pretty!

Last night we picked Amanda's friend E. up from the airport. Along the way, Amanda was trying to wake up from her hour long nap of the sofa, and was a little crazy. She got mad at me because she had a laughing fit and then a cry fit and I asked her if I needed to take her to the hospital. she said when I have an issue like that, she at least offers me water first. LOL! We didn't have water and she's nuts. (Love you honey)

I have been laying down a lot more lately, on the sofa. However, with E's arrival, it was time to clear the clean laundry off our bed, change the sheets, and actually sleep in our bed. Oh my Gods! It hurt! I sleep on my side and half on my side-half on my stomach and oh boy, just laying down last night, my ribs were killing me. (I can't sleep on my back, it aggravates the herniated disk too much) This morning when I awoke, my ribs, lower back, and hip were really bad. I had to take a little extra time to try and stretch out and then I took an even longer shower than normal to get the muscles to loosen up. It sucked. I am not looking forward tonight 

Today we were supposed to go to a couple of writer's panels for the "Get Lit" festival put on by Eastern Washington University's Master's of Fine Arts program. Well, we were on our way and poor E. got so sick. So we turned around, stopped by a store to get some soup and us some frozen pizza along with something to nibble on the way home, and came back home. I'm totally okay with this, I'm tried and I hurt. 

Speaking of hurting, my stupid yoga pants seem to bother my stomach. The band is thicker than the bands on my leggings or my pants from Torrid and they put just enough pressure in just the right spots under my incisions that make me uncomfortable. This does not make me happy. I love my yoga pants and want to be able to wear them for when I start doing some exercises. 

Because we slept in our bedroom and in our bed last night, the cats were super happy! Thorin slept between Amanda and I all night and Narcisa had a great time sitting in the window and eating my hair. I have a chunk of bangs that's a little shorter than the rest. I can't believe cats can have pica! Ugh! No, really, she does. She tries to eat everything and its disturbing.   

Never leaving the red tent, pretty art, Voltron, cat

Blossom to Stars by Neshad

I have finished off the progesterone pills my GYN gave me. The hope was that they would shut my period off, my uterus would build up more lining to shed, and then when the pills were done, I would have a revenge period to shed that lining and then the doctor could go in to check for cancer, because if there is any, he would have to approach the surgery a different way. Well, not only did the progesterone not shut my period off- only lightened it a little- it caused me to have more cramps and nausea. Now that the piss are finished, I am bleeding a little more, and last night the cramps were so terrible I was sobbing, ready to vomit, and kept going between hot and cold. Today is a little better, but then again, I just woke up.   

Because I have been feeling so crappy, I decided that I need to look at some of the art I have saved on my Pinterest "Beautiful Art" board. The one above won out. Along with the art, we have my Zen station playing on Pandora, mostly to help keep the tension of my ailments and Amanda's frustration with the cats at the moment, down.

Amanda was home yesterday because she did catch the cold I caught from our friend Tsuki. We spent the majority of the day on the sofa sleeping. While not sleeping we watched a comedy special, a travel show, and Voltron: Legendary Defender. We watched all of season 2 in one sitting and it was awesome! Both of us are really sad because now we have to wait for season 3 and who knows how long it will be before it comes out, but I think the wait will be worth it. 

Since Amanda was out sick yesterday and has today off, she's trying to get a few things done around the house. The cats approve, but want to get in on the action- which is really driving her nuts. Both kitties are underfoot. This is quite different from yesterday's cuddle fest from Throin. He was either curled up on me or cuddled up on Amanda. Narcisa spent the majority of the day in the bedroom. 

Ice, ick, and furniture.

I took Amanda to work this morning at 5 am. She volunteered for overtime and while that is fantastic and I am glad she could get some, we just had a big ice storm move in on top of all the ice and snow that has yet to melt. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about cold and lovely winter weather, on the contrary, I love it. I don't even mind driving in it, what bothers me are the other people driving it in. 4 wheel drive doesn't mean 4 wheel stop. Spokane is shit at plowing their roads, especially if they are residential, and this morning, I had to pull over because a Semi-truck was far to close for me to be comfortable and it was spraying a wave of dirty slush-ice at me. Then, as I tried to get back on the road, some jack ass coming up from behind didn't want to slow down and flashed me with his high beams. Really? No, seriously, because I can't tell that it's taking me extra time to get back on the road because my car is caught on a little patch of ice and you might actually have to be inconvenienced for all of 30 seconds by having to slow down. You never should have been driving that fast on icy roads to begin with, moron!

Now that that rant is out of my system... I am sick again. This time it feels like a head cold that's trying become a sinus infection or it's just a straight up sinus infection. Not totally sure, just know I'm not sleeping very well, my face and head feel awful, coughing, snot ick and drainage, and my teeth hurt a bit... so yeah, probably sinus infection. I've been self medicating with lemon ginger tea, a ginger tincture a friend made, a homemade chicken enchilada soup, coco, and water.

Behold! I finally got a hutch!

Okay, ignore the mess on my kitchen table  and bag of bags. A hutch has been on my semi-secret wish list for many years. As someone who has grown up with a hutch in my parents house for a time, and two in my Grandmother's house, hutches have always been nostalgic and make, for me anyway, a house feel more like a home. 

This one popped up on Craig'slist last Thursday for 50 dollars. It came with a matching table and 4 chairs. We don't really need another table or 4 chairs, but we agreed to both because the seller needed money to fix their broken car and they had an infant in the house. It looked like they were selling pretty much everything to get the car fixed. We decided to give the table and chairs to a friend and her boyfriend for their soon-to-be-new- apartment. This hutch came at the best time for us. I had  reached my limit with our apartment and its lack of storage. Sure we have been sick and the holidays did us in as well, but it just seemed like we couldn't make anything fit without it being messy or me getting overwhelmed.  So, below are the bigger appliances that don't really fit in the cabinets, dish towels and tea towels are in the drawers, my tea and a couple of my tea pots are in the display cabinet along with a bag of kitty treats. On the shelves we have most of our coffee cups, my tea making supplies and some herbs, and the bottom shelf is a nice little altar because I wanted something pretty. 

Just having this has made so much of a difference in my kitchen cabinets and made my kitchen feel more like home to me. I am not sure I like having so much white and had thought to paint the cabinet a light blue or green, but my Dad thought that might make it look more Swedish or Swiss (?) can't remember. Which of course is nice, but not really what I am going for in the kitchen. I thought about redoing everything Gothic fantasy like the living to tie the two rooms together, but you know what, I really like my greens and blues and I can still have the gothic fantasy charm in the kitchen without changing too much. So for now, anyway, the hutch will remain white. I also cut out some of the mermaid coloring pictures I've done and might put them on the backs of the shelves to break up some of the white... maybe, we will see. 

Lastly, I was holding Thorin an hour or so ago and my phone rang. He reached for it as my friend Fiona, who is up for a visit, handed it to me. Amanda was on the line to tell me she is staying a couple of house late for more overtime, but before she could tell me that Thorin pressed his paw to the my phone screen and hung up on her. I had Amanda on speaker and when I tried to call her back he tried to hang up again. I had to move the phone out of his reach and thankfully, the little shit was too lazy to move to chase after my hands for once.