So much news, sick, flashing lights on my street.

Our house is situated near a fire station to west and police station to the east. We also live on a relatively busy street. There's almost constant traffic and we often see and hear emergency vehicles speeding passed daily, but we don't really mind. But this morning six emergency vehicles zoomed passed and I looked up a news source to find out what the hell was going on. Turns out someone was getting evicted from their home about 4 blocks away and there were shots fired. I don't know if they fired at someone or if the police fired at them, but not long after an ambulance sped passed our house heading the other direction. 

We also had a homeless man walk up to Amanda, startling her, asking for food. She was so frazzled that she couldn't figure out exactly what to give him. She gave him hard boiled eggs. But that was Saturday.

Today, after a night of coughing, crap sleep, and bizarre cat stuff along with some other tidbits, my shit-tolerance level is at zero. I'm also going to try to keep this as short as possible.

Post a lot of frustration, some tears, and internal struggle, I decided that it was in my best interest to quit the Wiccan Seminary I'd been going to. I'd with a couple of lessons, struggled with some structural and organizational elements, and the time I was spending on all of it. Worse, when I tried to not go to as much so I could spend more time with Amanda and do other things, I only felt guilty for not doing school stuff and couldn't enjoy anything else. I even felt guilty for not doing school related stuff on my birthday. That's unacceptable. Granted the guilt part is on me and that's something I fight with all the time, but I don't need one more thing to feel near crippling guilt over. 

Then one morning, at devotional, I was listening to the Charge of the Goddess and had a moment where I was swept up by a surge of "what the fuck am I doing? I'm wasting my time doing this instead of what I set out for myself to do this year". That's when everything exploded in my head. It took me several days of wrestling with my feelings, consideration, and a lot of discussion with Amanda before I emailed enrollment to withdraw. I thought, I can always go back. I can always hop on the sim for events put on by the school, even if I feel like an awkward outsider about it (again, that last part's most likely on me).  

Today, I'm not sure I want to return. I got online to check my school e-mail to see if I had any response or messages and I also wanted to check to see if I the work in my classes had been graded so I at least knew what I got. Only I couldn't and I'm a little pissed about it. It took my instructors sometimes several days to get back to me on homework questions, the dean a almost two weeks to answer a question, my supervisor for the scholarship work two weeks to get back to me about a concern and I didn't really fuss. As in, I only fussed to Amanda and a friend and not even that much, because I understand that people are busy and have lives. However, I send in an intention to withdraw on Friday and by Monday I am shut out cold. WOW, that's rude. I can still access my e-mail from SNHU and I graduated in 2016. Again, this is frustrating because there were things that I was enjoying. 

So, now that I have the majority of my days back, what am I going to do with them? Well, what I should have been doing. Unpacking and cleaning my house, writing, and exercising. I recently changed doctors again but I will talk about the outcome of that in my next post. I'll talk about my birthday weekend as well.

Other than that, I've been sick with something. I tried a nasal sinus rinse and a different cold medicine, both picked up from the health food store down the road. Those combined with tea have helped a lot. I'm still a little icky, but not nearly as bad I was. So yay there! 

Oh and my Mom and her older sister seem to still be doing well. 

I did something big, maybe a little brave, but certainly something for myself.

In my previous post I talked about about jumping a ship. That ship is, in fact sinking, and will continue to do so, but it will do so without me.

I resigned my position from the IEPG council tonight after much thought, stress, tears, and consideration. There is one member on the council who is making it impossible to make the necessary changes to breath new life and energy into the guild.  This person also made it clear that the rest of the council members were not to go behind their back and have council meetings even though that was not what happened. We happened to be together and talking about how we have seen a decline in new people and a decline in regular members. We talked about out fears of the group diminishing and what we could do to help it thrive again. We made a list of concerns and some ideas we thought we could tackle and put forth to rejuvenate the guild. But this person made it apparent last night that they have control and and nothing will be done without their approval. More importantly,  this person made it clear that it is their group, they are boss, and the rest of us are basically all expendable and replaceable. It was a said as a veiled threat but I saw through it. It was what I needed to know to make my final decision.  

The IEPG meant a lot to me. I learned things, I grew and even outgrew the guild in so much as needing more intensive spiritual studies. I got what I needed from the group, which was friends, the ability to stand on my own feet again, and discover some spiritual direction. In the last several months I have felt over taxed, spread too thin, and drained by many things all at once. I hung in there and held on for as long as I could but after doing 4 tarot readings myself and a friend of mine doing a rune reading, I knew it was time to let go, and focus more on me.

What this means for me is that I now have a tiny bit more free time to myself. I will be focusing my energy on my career path, finishing school without worrying about if I've done enough research or done a good enough job on IEPG Esbats and Sabbts or workshops, and this gives me the opportunity to explore some things in a solitary manner. 

Oddly enough, I kind of feel better, even lighter. But with that said, I have some homework to do and I need to go to bed.

Edit***

In the hour it between the time I submitted my resignation, I have since learned that the aforementioned council member is talking about disbanding the IEPG completely. Other council members have voiced that they have been thinking about stepping down as well. the person in control decided then to say that they also have been thinking about stepping down this week and that they didn't do it because they didn't want to leave the rest of us hanging. Another council member talked about those still around taking it over but the person in control isn't having it. Which means that that person would rather let the IEPG diminish and disband than give over even the tiniest once of control, to let other members help make it flourish, oh and it seems they want to be sure to cash in on the donation money. The two other council members that are left are trying to see that if the group disbands tonight, that the donation money is used for one last hurrah for the group. I honestly don't see that happening. I think I may have just lost all respect for the council member who can't grow up and stop being a selfish bitch.