As much of an update as I can manage.

A lot of stuff has happened in the last two months, all of which has added heavy weights to limbs scratching for the surface of my depression. I’m going to try to put piece it together so I can attempt to make sense of it all.

·         Some friends and I are dealing with the loss of connection with another of our tribe. Some feel that we’re not good enough, all of us are concerned, and some are angry and hurt, or confused. It’s hard not to feel resentment and angry toward the things that created that loss. Maybe it isn’t for us to know or understand. We’ll just have to nurse hurts, pick ourselves up on our end, and love said friend as we always have. But things are different, I feel it, I know it, and I’m still struggling with a lot of it.

·         I’ve had an overwhelming sense of feeling lost. I can’t explain it. I’m not sure which way to turn and can’t seem to decide which path is best because they all look damning. Doesn’t help when others keep stepping in to decide for you and will not shut up long enough for you to actually think and make the decisions you know you can make for yourself if only they would let you breathe.

I am angry because people want me to tell them what I need but how can I say when I don't even know? I do not expect people to be mind readers. I don't expect them to fix it all for me- its not their job and I don't want them to. I know I don't think and feel the same everyone else does, but damn, does anyone have to know the answers or know what they need? Perhaps I am being selfish in my slow sink and not considering others' feelings. But I thought I was by not wanting to bother them and drag the down with me. If that's wrong, I wish someone would tell me. 

·         In-laws have taken over my house and I was powerless to stop them. So, in classic fashion, I rebelled a little and refused to do much of anything. Which in turn got Amanda chewed out. Which then, in turn, got me chewed out. But what else are you supposed to do when the people around you are sucking the joy from your bones? And then, to top it off come snide comments. Fuck you, you won, shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone!

·         I had to change medical insurance to keep my therapist because the company I had was doing shady things and about to get into trouble. In doing so, I had to report that Amanda and I got married. That cost me my medical insurance.

·         My stress began manifesting in hot patches of skin and hives.

·         My therapist badgered me to seek out new health insurance and I spent two weeks fighting with the market place people trying to find something we could afford. There is NOTHING we can afford. The deductible is 2 grand, the monthly cost just for me is more than we can swing. There just isn’t money for it. PERIOD.

·         I had a gall bladder attack and ended up in the ER, not know what the hell was going on only that I couldn’t breathe and was passing out.

·         I learned my Grandpa had fallen while sick.

·         My Grandpa died either the next day or the day after- I can’t really remember.

·         We flew to Kansas and spent 4 days. The only blessing was feeling my Grandpa sit down beside me at his funeral, seeing my Grandma, and my parents and cousins for a tiny bit.

·         My Grandma told me every day I was there that Grandpa wished he could have seen me before he died, because I was his girl.

·         Came home and losing Grandpa began to finally register. I couldn’t deal, so I threw myself desperately into writing. It’s the only thing keeping me together.

·         A couple of days later I had another gall bladder attack which resulted in surgery that evening.

·         I did not handle the anesthesia well. There are bruises on my body I can’t account for and the medical staff told me I woke up “wild” and that they had to bring two extra nurses in to hold me down. I did not know where I was or what was going on. I’m scared I hurt someone because if that much effort was used to keep me still, I came out fighting.

·         I got to go home the next day and accident slept on my stomach that night.

·         Second day after surgery was hell. It was not the worst pain I have felt, but close, and bad enough that I was panicking and scared the shit out of Amanda’s Mom. I could not remember when I had taken aleve or when I had taken a pain pill or how many. She counted them and said I was okay, but it was still scary. I’m ALWAYS so careful with pain meds.

·         I’ve been having horrible nightmares since surgery, the kind that leave you upset for days.

·         One of the pieces of tape over my incision sites fell off too soon and I had to put something over it to help keep the wound closed and prevent infection.  

·         I’ve been freaking out a little over the fact that I have been sleeping so much- even though I know I need sleep to heal- and losing writing time.

·         We just learned that my depression/fibro med is going t cost us 240 dollars a month with a prescription assistance card for the generic. We couldn’t afford 130 a month for medical insurance. So now we have to find a different depression med and a medication for fibro that won’t make me gain all the weight I just lost back, that s affordable, or see if there isn’t something- some program- out there to help me stay on my meds. Being without them isn’t an option right now.

·         And I am without my meds today. I’m starting to go through withdrawal while Amanda scrambles at work to find out if an online discount pharmacy is a legitimate and the real deal.

·         I just learned from one of my best friends what she might have ovarian cancer and that there is something wrong with her youngest daughter’s spine. She doesn’t have test results back yet for her or her daughter.

·         I’m worried about my parents and my Grandma. I’m worried about my friend and her kids.

·         I’m worried about the two hospital bills.

The good news:

-          I’m writing  

-          I’m getting lost in music

-          I still love my in laws and am thankful for them taking care of me when I’m sick. At least there is that.

-          Amanda is amazing and she’s putting up with me.

-          UPDATE on meds: Amanda got it worked out and my doctor’s office was super helpful to her.    

Tornado dreams, hiding in the fridge, inspiration and little joys

Throughout my life I've had nightmares about tornadoes, some reoccurring. A lot of the time they were hunting me down and there was no where I could hide. Sometimes they had faces, one had a gazillion eyes that turned into birds. Sometimes there several tornadoes coming for me and no matter where I turned, I couldn't get away. I used to think it was because I grew up in Tornado Alley, a section of the U.S. that has the proclivity for tornadic activity. I've seen their damage first hand and watched one form, do its thing, and dissipate -which for a young teenager stuck in an RV with her Grandparents on our way to Colorado with no place to go, is pretty terrifying. 

Last night I had another tornado dream. But this time I was in a trailer that got picked up, thrown, and somehow everyone inside survived the smash back into the ground. But that wasn't the only unsettling part of the dream, we were hiding from someone and apparently thought crawling into refrigerators and stuffing ourselves in crisper drawers as going to save us. There was something about a bus too. So I looked up the dream intperatation of Tornadoes on this app I have on google. 

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications. To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.  -What Dreams Mean.

Yeah, that's actually spot. I'm not sure I want to buy into the week ahead forecast though. And it make sense for other points in my life when I have had those dreams, especially the people part. 

On a happier note, Amanda and I spent most of yesterday cuddling and watching Anime. It was so nice, even if it was a time suck. I get ridiculously excited, sill, and happy when I watch fluffier anime. But anime in general makes me happy and often gives me some form of inspiration. the one we watched yesterday had an aspiring manga artist in it and we learned a few things about manga construction we didn't know. Well, I'm not manga artist but I have had ideas for a graphic novel and I've always wanted to design my own novel covers. I have also wanted to make something special for Amanda and I started that present last night. I also told her about it- it is a chibi version on her. I sketched it out on canvas last night. I'll remove the pencil smudges and then it will be ready for paint. 

  

Unexpected sewing projects, changes, exercise, self care

The twins came up for a visit this weekend. I mostly kept to myself and did my own thing, including watching the Talking Kitty on Youtube for a little bit. (I learned the sad news that Gibson, the gray kitty of that web series passed away recently from bladder/kidney infection complications) Other than that and a nightmare that I haven't quite been able to shake  (someone truly awful keep following and touching me and no matter how much I screamed and pushed, no matter how angry I got, they kept following, touching, and hurting me even- needless to say I don't want anyone to touch me in the conscious world either right now), it has been a quiet and pleasant weekend. Tonight I am going to make a lemon garlic chicken with cream sauce over rice with some asparagus for dinner. Amanda and I are going to pick up the house a little and then just spend some time together. 

Still don't know what my final project or even what my final grade is my lit class. *sigh*

All that aside, we went to Joann's fabrics yesterday. The twins wanted colored pencils and I wanted to check to see if they had the fabric I had in mind for one of the potential cosplay ideas I'd had. They do but it will be expensive. So if I go with that character, I am going to have to budget and plan accordingly.  While I was looking around, not intending to buy any fabric, I found the one pictured above and knew it not only had to come home with me but that I had to make a skirt out of it. I just had to get the okay from Amanda because she had all the money this time around. She not only approved but she'd found some really soft, minky like material with a Princess Sofia print and wanted something made from it. I will be making her two pillow cases. I am hoping to get those projects cut and sewn this week and get a set of curtains made for the dining room cut, sewn, and stamped/painted as well.

Yesterday morning, needing some time to myself but not wanting to stay home, I went to the apartment complex's community building with Amanda and the twins. They went swimming and I went to the tiny gym. The treadmill feels different than any other I have been on, the sitting bicycle is nice for the most part. I like the weight machines too but even though I was careful to not over do it, I am still a bit sore today. I didn't get up and move a lot while I was sick so I am slow, but also I have this problem where my brain thinks I can just go and go and go, but my body says "Wait a minute, think again!" Ever since that disk herniated its like I have had this disconnect and sometimes it feels like this isn't my body. This is obviously something I am going to be speaking with a therapist about. Something I also plan to get set up and started this coming week. But yes, I did some exercising and found that I actually like doing it alone better than with anyone else. It's nice to just put on a set of head phones and listen to music, shutting everyone and everything else out for awhile. 

Exercise is part of my self care, the self care that in the past I haven't been so great at maintaining- as in self care in general. I'm going to be fixing that problem. There have been some things that I have put off doing because of this or that or I was waiting for Amanda or trying to work it around her. Fuck that shit. I'm going stop that. Along with  that, I have some other changes that I am going to be integrating. Amanda almost has the spare room/office/bowie room put together and that means my desk will be moved in shortly, possibly even today. One of those changes is that when I go into that room, I am officially at work or school. Not to be bothered. Further, Amanda and I have both decided that if we really are going to make careers out of writing, then we need to cut down on social time. With her at work full time and me doing school full time plud the IEPG stuff, we just can't afford to do as much socializing as we have done in the past. Further we don't owe anyone any explanations, if we say no, that means no and will remain no with none of this going behind one persons back to ask  or con the other. No, means no. Period. And if our friends have any respect for us what so ever, they will respect that. 

I talked to my Dad again this weekend. There is some good news in their part of the world. My Dad is taking over the house arrest install business for his friend. Said friend and his girlfriend are moving to the Virgin Islands to live and work. The guy will still own the business, of course, but my Dad is running it for him and if business improves then my parents will have a little more money than what Dad was making at Wal-Mart and if not, then they won't and Dad will look for other options. Personally, I think it is a good deal especially since Dad will get to drive the company truck and not put more wear and tear on his. And he can still be there for Grandma and Grandpa. Of course they are still in the vicinity of the Beast (a.k.a. my aunt) but that's not going to change until they move. 

Well in keeping with some self care, I am going to go take a short nap with Amanda. We have our lovely new sofa and we want to try sleeping on it.