Finally! Conflicted. Where I have been lately.

It doesn't seem like a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately and yet... 

First, my bank really dropped the ball. Not only did they lie about when the document they were supposed to be sending out would arrive, but now they seem to be ending free checking. That's fine, I was closing with them anyway. 

Second, the housing authority came through for us, voided the other check, and cut us a new one. So, we've gotten our friend Rachel paid back and mostly paid back Amanda's parents. We still owe them a little, but it will be taken care of shortly.  

Third, the housing inspection went well, the owners are going to fix basically everything, and the loan officer has already made arrangements for an appraiser to head out and look at the house. So far it looks like every thing is on schedule. However, December 13th, our closing date, can't seem to come soon enough. My plan is to get the painting done right away, let it dry, then move in. This is so we don't have to deal with the cats and paint. That's if every thing works out and we get the house. I am a little worried, the universe has thrown me some heavy slaps lately, so I am cautious. 

Speaking of, my panic attacks have gotten a little worse. I had one the other day that lasted half a hour. Amanda wanted to take me to the hospital. I am really getting sick of this. 

To keep my mind off things, I have been binge watching stuff on netflix. Total avoidance, I know, but it's what I can do right now. Between Voltron, Grey's Anatomy, and trouble getting to sleep at night, I managed to cook up a Voltron fanfic and I'm not too happy about it. Well, no, a fanfic is fine, but I want to focus on writing novels not fanfic, and I didn't want to start anything until after I was moved into a house. I tend to get obsessive about writing and don't like interruptions or distractions when I get going, and sometimes get a little cranky. And while there is a little privacy in two of the places we are bouncing between, there isn't really any place comfortable for me to set up- comfort as in my desk chair. However, it seems that no matter how resistant I am to writing this fanfic, it is that much more determined to make me write it. So, after much hemming and hawing, I finally broke down and wrote up a character bio for an OC, did a little research, and today I am going to start it. As Amanda keeps reminding me "all writing is practice". Yeah, I know that, but I'm not going to make a career out of fanfic. It is just frustrating. 

Aside from that, I've had some pretty awful dreams lately, two of which involved my mother either being seriously hurt or her dying. Another was an unsettling dream to begin with but only grew worse when I saw Amanda at a bus depot and the relief and safety I had in seeing her was ripped away when she came up to me and introduced me to a woman she was replacing me with. As if that wasn't bad enough, she said she was going to keep me to be the companion animal to this new wife and that I was going to be their cook and maid. Dream Amanda is a hoochie-mama-heffer-head-bitch! 

Well, that's about it for now. I'm rather tired, didn't sleep well last night, so I might take a small power nap. I'll catch up on blog reading a little later. 

Shit heads, kicked out of bed, and good news, finally!

First I'd like to point out that my darling fiance is a bitch. She's happily, loudly, snoring the night away, cozy, and smack dab in the middle of our bed. She got testy with me when I asked her to turn over. Then the next thing I know she's facing me again and gradually pushing me out of the bed. Fine, I'll just go sit on the sofa,, which is where I am. I've only been here since about 3:30 am, wide awake, peckish, and thinking about turning to coffee pot on- since I apparently don't get to sleep. 

Second, the apartment twats strike again. The renovation noise was pretty bad yesterday but I only have to put up with it in the afternoon. They turned off the stair well lights so our entry way is dark, okay no big deal, I guess. But what kind of pissed me off yesterday was the note on my door about cigarette butts littering the stair well that they say clean up or get a 25 dollar fine. The letter was addressed to everyone but only my door received it. 1. Not all of those are mine. 2. I am getting to it but I'm kind of in the middle of moving, because you are kicking me out. 3. Go fuck yourself. They just want more money. They also know that we are pretty tidy with the outdoor stuff, our patio is damned cute. Also, all those cigarette butts at the entrance to our stairwell was from me sweeping them up from the parking lot in the first place. I just got distracted and forgot to grab a bag to put them in for the trash. I've kind of been uber stressed out the last several months, I'm not always on top of everything. The really vindictive side of me wants to sweep up our entire section's parking lot, wait until we move out a couple of weeks and then slip in sometime in November to dump them all on the office door step. However, I won't  because it's not management who will have to clean it up, it the maintenance guys.

There is good news. My friend Rachel bleached and dyed my hair last night. I was going for a darker blue ombre look. The sapphire blue didn't really come out as dark as it was supposed to and I need to do a little touch up for missed spots, I just decided that I am going to take what is left of the sky blue and do an all over application today. I'll catch the missed spots and even out what sort of took and what didn't. I also think that for this ombre effect to really work, with the blue that is, I need get my blues farther apart in color. As in do really dark, a medium, and a really light. I think I got them too close together. No big, it was a learning experience. I'm just happy to have all blue hair again. 

The best piece of good news, and one that makes me feel a large sense of relief, is that we were pre-approved for a home loan yesterday. Our lender is such a nice guy and he is going to send me a list of realtors that his company works with. After talking with some friends who have been through the home buying process, that seems to work the best because both entities know each other's process and can help us fast track when we find a home we like.  

Explosion, meltdown, thank the gods for Amanda and friends

The last couple of months have difficult and stressful, I've whined, ranted, and bitched enough about on this blog for everyone who reads it to have a very clear picture. 

Well, I have been trying really hard to hold it together, to get things done, and push myself into a positive- more happy state of mind. Amanda is having a hard time too and I want to support her 100% especially because she does so much and works so hard. Try as I could, bits of crying and doom and gloom eked out. It eked out of her too and yesterday I lost it. 

I awoke feeling awful, in pain, and ready to cry the moment I opened my eyes. We watched some anime for a an hour and tried to get started with the house- since it was Amanda's day off after working 8 in a row. Well, neither of us were doing so great and so we were slow to get going. It didn't help that they've already started tearing up the apartment above us there were constant loud bangs, thumps, and stomping. It was starting to drive me nuts. So I left to go get our marriage licence while Amanda began getting the living room ready to move our bed into it. We want to use our bedroom to put all the packed boxes in so they are out of the way. 

Anyway, I drove all the way downtown and when I arrived I realized that Amanda needed to be with me and that I didn't have change for the parking meter. On top of that it seemed like a lot of people were driving erratically n the highway. Which, really doesn't help the dream like feeling I was experiencing. The drive home wasn't good and the closer I got to home, the more angry I became. Stop and go traffic on the highway with people zipping in and out around me doesn't ever help that situation.  

When I finally got in the apartment, I told Amanda not to freak out I needed to scream. Then I just let it out. I realized after that the windows were open and that I'd freaked out the cats. The cats I cared about the neighbors can go fuck themselves. But that seemed to have been the tipping point because I began crying and couldn't stop. It got bad, really bad. I don't know what it is that happens in my brain when I slip into a sobbing session like that, what it is that makes me kind of half panic, but I start scratching. I had chewed my fingernails down just in case, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still scratching a little. Amanda sat me down and held my hands and talked to me, helped me remember to breathe. After awhile I calmed down enough to get up and go to the bathroom.

While I was in there, the panic started to ramp up again but I kind of went half numb. It was very weird. I hear Amanda call her Mom and hear her crying. She was so upset. This is supposed to be a happy time, we're getting married, its shouldn't be like this- this is what I can remember- and at that point everything bottomed out. I can't stand to hear her cry like that. I can't stand for her to be that upset, hurting this much.  I just. I have a problem with self harm. I never attack anyone else, just myself. I punched my legs, I scratched the hell out of my stomach but it was kind of like I wasn't there, only half there. Its hard to describe. Then when I realized what I was doing, I freaked even more because I don't want to be like that, I don't want to do these things. 

I got myself to calm down a little, enough to get out of the bathroom. I told Amanda I was going to put clean sheets on the bed, then make dinner, but I needed to do something first. She said okay. I came out to the living room and got on facebook because I knew we both needed help not just with the wedding and packing up the apartment. Only I sat there for half an hour unable to ask because I am terrified that my negative energy, my negativity and crazy will bog others down. I do not want to be a burden ever. I already feel like one some of the time. The longer I sat, the darker my thoughts became. I was crying again but not so bad per se. 

Amanda came out and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was having bad thoughts. She asked if I could share them with her, I did and she went to go change clothes because she was going to take me to the hospital. I freaked out. Mostly because I was afraid that they would just drug me up and send me home or keep me and then not let me leave and then I would be stuck in there and miss my wedding. 

Amanda got me calmed down from that. I decided I needed to talk to my friend Chris and go fora  short drive. I ended up at the gas station to get cigarettes. I felt better by the time I got home. We decided to call and check on another friend and see how she was doing and then twenty minutes later she was here and we talked about so much stuff. I felt so much better afterward. Exhausted, but better. I hope Amanda and our friend did too. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal. The bulk of the weight I was feeling is gone and I can breathe again. I think more clearly and feel more grounded and stable. I'm going to talk to my therapist about what happened. I think I am okay, at least for now and hopefully for a long time. I want to focus on the wedding and be happy, and help Amanda have a good and happy experience. This is an exciting time for us, we should be caught up in it not bogged down with borderline depression.     

The Muslim Woman Teacher, the jealous girlfriend, sad news, and "I can't even".

I recently learned that the band H.I.M. is on their farewell tour. I know all good things come to an end, but I really liked them and while I haven't been to concerts in a a few years, I would have gone to see them if they came close to where I live. That's my sad news. I mean really, it could be a lot worse. 

I've either fallen asleep watching TV or planned to sleep on the sofa for the last couple of nights. Amanda and I have both been tired and so much so that we're too tried to go in and change the bed sheets by the end of the day. We've been too tired to do a lot and have pushed through anyway. Last week was a bit rough for both of us. Cousin Kat came and left over the weekend and then I had several days where I was in a lot of pain, foggy brained, and or really depressed. All of that is exhausting and instead of trying to fight it all and wear myself out more, I said 'fuck it' and decided to play Guild Wars 2. That was good, although frustrating because a lot of stuff is different and I'm not sure I was following things clearly. 

Anyway back to the T.V. NHK does some documentaries called Inside Lens. This week its about a Muslim woman in Indonesia who runs a religious boarding school. She teaches, runs it, and gives talks about how men should treat women better, equality, and how without strong women and mothers, we wouldn't have strong nations. She is AMAZING! She didn't used to run the school, it was her husbands school but he passed away and for awhile she was a little lost. But she is very religious and prayed and found her answer to be that she would keep the school running on her own, that the only man she needed was God. Here is the link for the documentary: https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/tv/lens/

I decided to do a written role play with cousin Kat. She's had a lot of hell recently and I wanted to give her a little something to look forward too, in my own way, that I knew I could do. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do lately, so this at least gets me doing something constructive. Anyway, I've wanted to write a Kitsune story. I started a book years ago but never got very far with it. So, I decided to have a Kitsune character once again and see what I could come up with this time. I gave him a horrible back story and then wrote the opening post. When I read it to Amanda, she was a little and cutely jealous. She wants to play with Noritoki and really liked my opening. She even thought it would make a good novel on its own. 

Speaking of Amanda, we've both had a crummy last couple of weeks. The good stuff has been getting to see Cousin Kat, seeing a couple of friends, and the new episodes of My Little Pony on Netflix. Amanda was so depressed last night that she wanted to finish out the episodes, except that kind of backfired. The last episode was about Applejack's parents- who while the show has never said it, that I can remember, aren't living. The apple family siblings learned about their parents beginning relationship and how they came to be married. But both Amanda and I were really upset because while we know their parents are gone, we don't know the why or the how and ugh! So I suggested we watch some of season 2 of Kamisama Kiss because that's fun and cute and it has a pissy Kitsune named Tomoe who is freaking awesome, gorgeous, and I just love him. I also really like the anime because it make me laugh. There was an instance last night where one of the characters (we are watching the american dub- I like both thank you-) says "I can't even" and while a lot of people use that phrase, I've even used that phrase, it was so unexpected in an anime that it struck my funny bone just right. I'm still giggling over it. 

But that's the mostly happy stuff. We've got more car issues than we bargained for, as in it didn't pass the emissions test so we couldn't buy car tags and won't be able to until we can afford to get it worked on and then of it has to pass or we will have had to do 150 dollars worth of work on it to try to get it to pass before we can buy car tags. Amanda got me some bus passes for when I need to go somewhere and a friend is taking me to an appointment this afternoon. Aside from that, it's just pain, depression, panic attacks, and wedding stress.  

Tornado dreams, hiding in the fridge, inspiration and little joys

Throughout my life I've had nightmares about tornadoes, some reoccurring. A lot of the time they were hunting me down and there was no where I could hide. Sometimes they had faces, one had a gazillion eyes that turned into birds. Sometimes there several tornadoes coming for me and no matter where I turned, I couldn't get away. I used to think it was because I grew up in Tornado Alley, a section of the U.S. that has the proclivity for tornadic activity. I've seen their damage first hand and watched one form, do its thing, and dissipate -which for a young teenager stuck in an RV with her Grandparents on our way to Colorado with no place to go, is pretty terrifying. 

Last night I had another tornado dream. But this time I was in a trailer that got picked up, thrown, and somehow everyone inside survived the smash back into the ground. But that wasn't the only unsettling part of the dream, we were hiding from someone and apparently thought crawling into refrigerators and stuffing ourselves in crisper drawers as going to save us. There was something about a bus too. So I looked up the dream intperatation of Tornadoes on this app I have on google. 

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications. To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.  -What Dreams Mean.

Yeah, that's actually spot. I'm not sure I want to buy into the week ahead forecast though. And it make sense for other points in my life when I have had those dreams, especially the people part. 

On a happier note, Amanda and I spent most of yesterday cuddling and watching Anime. It was so nice, even if it was a time suck. I get ridiculously excited, sill, and happy when I watch fluffier anime. But anime in general makes me happy and often gives me some form of inspiration. the one we watched yesterday had an aspiring manga artist in it and we learned a few things about manga construction we didn't know. Well, I'm not manga artist but I have had ideas for a graphic novel and I've always wanted to design my own novel covers. I have also wanted to make something special for Amanda and I started that present last night. I also told her about it- it is a chibi version on her. I sketched it out on canvas last night. I'll remove the pencil smudges and then it will be ready for paint. 

  

Doctor's appointment, needing Tomoe, panic and talking to parental units, and thrifting!

Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss

Had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and it went fairly well. I've lost 8 pounds, however, my blood pressure was higher than the time before. I'm sure the screaming headache, stress over the wedding and other things going on, in addition to feeling like I'd run full speed into a brick wall didn't help any of that. We talked at length about the vegetarian diet. The verdict: my doctor isn't sure she wants me eating a vegetarian diet because I was so anemic before. However, she's ordered up a full blood panel to check thyroid, A1C- well everything to be sure. She also said that on the off chance that everything looks normal, she will send me back over to OBGYN to make them do a hormonal check just to make sure that we're not missing something. On top of that, she said as I lose weight and my blood pressure lowers, the mottling in my legs should go away. To help that, she's giving me a water pill for a little while. So, at this point, I just need to do my fasting blood work tomorrow morning and wait to see the results. Oh and she doesn't want me doing any more exercise than I am comfortable with- as in don't exhaust myself- and to eat more than three times a day. Which I have been doing pretty good with on my own anyway, especially lately.

Still Tomoe

During my doctor's appointment, I started not feeling good and just figured that I needed to get home and get some lunch. However, as I was driving home, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't hungry but I felt awful and realized that I was starting to panic.  I thought if I can just get home, I can deal with this, but if I have to, I will pull over. No sense in endangering myself and others for no good reason. Well, I made it and as soon as I got inside my apartment, I grabbed a bottle of juice and sat at my desk. I thought I was going to be okay but I was mistaken and all hell broke lose in my head. 

Amanda had taken a sick day because she wasn't feeling good and I am so glad she did. It was like the Gods and universe was telling us we needed to be together that day. I had one of my really bad panic attacks, the kind where Amanda starts talking about taking me to the hospital but I freak out more because I can't handle being away from home at that moment, but at the same time she's scared and trying to get me to breathe and drink water, and keep me from clawing the skin off my chest because I can't breathe. I don't remember a lot of what was said or how long I was panicking, but of what I do remember was  that Amanda didn't deserve to see it or have to deal with it. I remember telling her that I was sorry. 

Somehow, don't remember how or when, Amanda got me on the bed, turned on the fan, and got me a cold wash cloth and water. She also found my xanax and for a little while I might have napped. Not too long though, she made us lunch. I ended up calling my Mom because during the panic attack I had been asking for my Mom and Amanda tried calling her. The last thing my parents need to hear is me having a horrible panic attack via voice mail so I wanted to tell my Mom not to listen to it and just delete it right away. I told her what had happened and I was much better and things were okay. Of course she wanted to know what was going on. 

Xanax is nice sometimes because it is very numbing and I don't tend to care so much or rather worry about being so blunt. So first I asked my Mom point blank if she and Dad actually wanted to come to the wedding. Mom was a bit shocked. She said they really do want to come but they feel awful because they don't have money to help or even really a gift. I don't care about that stuff. My Mom doesn't have a dress- I told her we would start looking for what she wanted and even take her dress shopping when she got here. She's also worried about putting us out as far as food goes because she needs soft food. No problems there, I can make her soup, mashed potatoes, soft casseroles, ect. Both of my parents loathe flying, but they will do it. And Dad might actually have a shot at a full time job which is amazing, but he's worried they either won't hire him or not let him have time off to come up. So, as usual, they didn't want to make a promise they couldn't keep. But they don't really understand that in doing that, it's almost, if not, more hurtful than disappointing me. 

We moved on to other issues like my stupid shoes, my doctor's appointment, Amanda sticking up for me with a friend, some other friend troubles I've been having and so on. It was a good call. 

Amanda's parents were coming for dinner that night and also to talk to us about something you just don't talk about over the phone. We ended up going to Torrid to pick up an order we'd placed and introduced Amanda's Mom to the store. She got a couple of really cute dresses. Then we went to the thrift store wherein Amanda found an Octopus cup for herself and a fox cup for me. I found this:

It is a creamer cup from a red glass Avon collection from ages ago. I've been collecting red glass drink ware and have been wanting to collect this particular series of Cape Cod dishes. However, it is expensive and so I'm getting it piecemeal at thrift stores where it is vastly cheaper. I think I paid a $1.50 for this piece. But if I am honest, I had started collecting the Johnson Brothers Willow Blue dishes as well. 

 I also found a Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit, movie edition game. I can't wait to play it!

The news Amanda's parents needed to tell us was about Amanda's older trans (was male) sister. I told Amanda as much as I loathe what her sister and now ex-sister-in-law did to her parents, we really do need to just put all of that aside and get in contact with her. Part of that is to give comfort and to heal a relationship between Amanda and her sister that Amanda has mourned for a long time. The other part is to make sure that said sister doesn't fuck over their parents again. 

Lastly, 

I've been posting pictures of Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss in this this blog post because for the last couple of days, when I am upset, I've turned on Kamisama Kiss, just to see him. He makes me happy. He's a cute, pissy, Kitsune. Kamisama Kiss is also lighter anime, Shoujo meaning that it is geared toward a female audience with a focus on personal and romantic relationships. As much as I love my intense, dark, and even cerebral anime, every once in awhile I just want fluff. Anyway, I adore watching him with Nanami and the other characters. They are a lot of fun and helped me feel better.

For those wondering, Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist is still my all time favorite! 

What the hell?! At least that ended well.

Well, Friday sucked. I awoke around 8 am in such pain that my clothing hurt my skin, having the cat brush against my legs made me want to cry, and part of me wanted to rip my fingernails off because even those hurt. By 11am, I wanted to vomit, and a friend suggested that I eat something. So I made a small one person batch of pasta and sat down with the heating pad to watch Inuyasha (since I am trying to finish that up). Well, I ended up asleep after I ate and I slept until a little after 4 pm and not only did I wake up still in pain, it was a little worse than before. 

I am trying an experiment. I don't know if it will pan out, but I've always heard people complain about how their bones ache if a storm is coming. Well, I am logging the barometric pressure in my area and how much I hurt if there is any correlation. I'm not sure what I am going to do with that information, but for shits and giggles, I thought it would be interesting. 

This weekend is Beltane- well all the pagan groups in my area are celebrating it. Amanda and I are not going out to Medical Lake to celebrate with all the pagan groups. Amanda has to work. We are, however, going to a friend's house to an 'after party' per se. It is invite only so we can't really talk about it with other people- at least not with some of the people. It's not our house and I'm not going to invite them out when I know full well that the hosts don't particularly like some of those people. 

On top of that Amanda took a couple of days of vacation time because she needs it and we haven't had a lot of time to ourselves lately. Well, we just sent E. back to Boston after having her for a week and wanted some time to ourselves but Fiona wanted to come for Beltane. We told we would take her to the thing we were going to but that she would have to stay with someone else while she is here. (she lives out of town) Well she asked if another friend of ours would let her stay with her. I said I don't know you'd have to ask her. Then she wanted to know if another friend would let her and I reminded her that that friend is dealing with some stuff and that it probably wasn't a good idea. The person she is going to stay with for at least a couple of days is having a couple temporarily move in with her until they can get into an apartment. So of course Fiona wanted to know if she could stay with us despite us already telling her no in the first place. When I told her we were going out of town she wanted to know if we needed a cat sitter. I told her we wouldn't be gone that long. And then, of course, I didn't hear anything else out of her. I'm just kind of like, you know, sometimes you're not going to get to come stay with us whenever you want. Sometimes people will have shit going on and they won't be able to put you up for however long you decide to hang around. I know that sounds mean, but we all have lives and they don't revolve around her. 

Besides, we've had a revolving door of company and we would like to be able to have a date night or I don't know, fuck, without having to work around the whims of company. 

I finished the 3rd book in the Night Prince Novels, Bound by Flames by Jeaniene Frost. OMGs! That book was an intense read. I cried in places, freaked out, wanted to jump in the book and tear a character apart, but it ended on a really great note and I'm looking forward to where the 4th and final book goes. Except, I'm not because then it will be over and they are vampires so shouldn't that mean that since they live forever, that their story should as well? If you ever get the chance, I seriously recommend Jeaniene Frost's novels- at least the Night Huntress and Night Prince novels (I haven't read the others yet). I've really enjoyed them and think her Vlad is the best Vlad I have read thus far. Plus, fire pretty! 

On my own writing front, I've not written anything since I finished my story. I wanted to start editing it within the next couple of days but Amanda thinks that I should at least wait two weeks. She says I am still in love with the story and characters and every word and I need to be able to cut things that need to be cut without having issues. I think I will still have issues, but that's just me. So in lieu of that, I've been looking up some stuff on pinterest to help build characters- or help me discover a little more about them. It;s just so difficult because I feel pulled in a couple different directions by different stories. It is strange and leaves me hesitating to go one way or another because what if I lose the line? Writer problems. 

Oh, I had a first world problem the other night. I was laying in bed talking to Amanda about wanting to ride a bike again. Only, I was concerned about how I was ever going to ride a bike and maintain my graveyard tan. There are two reasons for this. 1. I like being pale. 2. I am allergic to the sun, no seriously, if I burn, I breakout in hives and I've gotten sun burnt within 15 minutes it is insane, but my mother and my cousin Shi-Chan are the same way. Amanda laughed at me. But you know, I could easily fix that by just riding a bike at night. It's not like I would ever go very far anyway... but then I remembered that I don't have a bike and at the moment, I'm not sure my back would allow me to ride one. Things to work toward!  

 Well, since I have to keep awake to take Amanda to work in an hour and a half, I'm going to go watch an episode or two of Inuyasha.

Feeling like crap, affirmations, found things

In the comments of my last post, I mentioned to a friend that I would post a couple of the affirmations that I have on some manifestation boards in my house. I went on an affirmation seeking excursion on pinterest several months ago and only saved the ones that I really liked- or rather the ones I felt I needed most or that felt like me. I saved a couple of writer's quotes too. Anyway, the above affirmation is kind reminding me that I don't need permission to do what I need or want.

I love Lily Munster and I felt this was really great for how hesitant I've been about dressing and doing make up the way I've wanted to for years. It's weird, I don't give a shit about what the general public thinks, but my Grandparents and parents, their opinions hit me harder than anyone else's. Took me getting to age 33 to say fuck it and come out of the Belfry completely. 

Damn straight! I love this one! Its bad ass and speaks to the side of me that says "fuck with me and I will end you". Yes, I do have a side like that and no, I don't let it show very often. Mostly because I've been a people pleaser all my life. Hence why it took until age 33 to really come out as goth. 

Moving on to a few author's quotes: 

"True Alchemist do not change lead into gold; they change world into words" ~ William H. Gass

"You only fail if you stop writing" ~ Ray Bradbury

"Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass" ~Anton Chekhov

Do these work? For me, I think they do. Whether or not I am putting on make up at my dressing table or working on something at my desk (the two locations that I have these boards) I've seeing something positive that I want to bring into my life or inspire certain elements within me. It;s not a 100% fool proof thing, but I think about 75% of the time they do help and I will take that.

For the last week or so I've been pretty worried about not being able to find some world building notes for a novel I've only sort of started. I keep rewriting the first chapter because I'm not sure where I want to go with it. The truth is, I don't know my characters as well as I would like. They didn't come fully formed, per se. So I am going to use some worksheets I found online to help develop them- again, I found them on pinterest. Anyway, I spent some time in the other room looking and found them!!! They are a disorganized mess. I'm going to have to rewrite them and then transfer them to a word document. Then I'm going to make a reference guide for the story and see how that works for me in as far as plotting and keeping everything together. In other words, I am going to see if putting in extra effort to be organized instead of having chaos all the time, will help me accomplish the damned novel.

I have felt like crap the last couple of days. The depression monster is really kicking my ass again. It also doesn't help that I awoke in pain again this morning and on top of that, Narcisa decided that it was time to bug the shit out of me. She was knock things over on my nightstand, trying to eat my hair, trying to lick me, and would not stop. And if that wasn't enough, Amanda kept slipping her hands under me and pushing me toward the edge of the bed. She almost pushed me off a time or two. I kept waking her up to tell her to stop and the minute she was asleep, she'd shove her hands under me again. One, it hurt and two, it was pissing me off. And then she got really snippy with me for being pissed at her. I just wanted to be left alone to sleep! Of course, Amanda found it funny when she I told her about it later. I didn't. After I took her to work this afternoon, I ended up on the sofa with the heating pad to try and soothe my body. I also took two Naproxen Sodium to take the edge off. I have got to get a handle on this pain. I need to be able to move!   

Car-less, down one phone, reaching 300, strange dreams

Colonel Roy Mustang from 1st Fullmetal Alchemist Series. 

I'm sorry if I have missed something important in the blogosphere. I will eventually catch up on everyone's news, even if it takes me one blog at a time. I have been really busy lately, and yet not. 

We visited a friend on Monday and then Amanda took our friend Fiona home yesterday. Fiona had been here for quite awhile actually. While I appreciate all her help with cooking and cleaning and hanging out, I was ready for her to go home. Nothing against her, I just want time alone with Amanda. Anyway, in taking Fiona home, Amanda left the car for Fiona's Dad to work on for the rest of the week. We've been really concerned about a squeeky belt and also the car sounds like a fan that has paper stuck in it and since it is the only car we have at the moment and can't afford to replace it anytime soon, we need to keep it running. 

We are also down one cell phone. Amanda left hers at her parents house yesterday when they brought her home. We should get it back this weekend though. So she's been using the alarm on my phone to help her wake up in the morning. 

I have had some pretty interesting dreams as of late. Strange, intense, and vivid. I want to write them down but I'm only recalling tiny bits and pieces, feelings or notions, not enough that I feel I can string together properly. Oh well. This is what I get for not writing them down as soon as I wake up.

Yes, I am still pretty deep in the world of Fullmetal Alchemist in so much as I have watched a few episodes of anime here and there, looked at some pretty pictures, read some doujinshi, and am still working on the rewrite of my fanfic. I'm less than 30 pages from hitting the 300 page mark and I've still got a lot more to do. I figure if I have to, I can cut some stuff later. Amanda thinks I should post it, so people can see the difference between the story then and the story now and the progression of my writing... I may have already mentioned this- it's been awhile, sorry- if I haven't well, now you know. I don't know if I want to post it or not. Right now I just want to finish it and edit it. Then enjoy it for myself. I've got a couple of friends who want to read it. I know if I sent it to my Mom, she'd read it. It's kind of weird but I kind of wish Amanda was interested in reading it. I've told her a lot of it, asked her for her opinion on some things, brainstormed with her, so she pretty much already knows it. She'd not really the biggest fan of heterosexual romance stories and that is okay. She did say that she'd rather read and help me edit my novels when I get my ass in gear to work on them.

Speaking of novels. I've been getting images and feeling drawn or tugged predominately by three different characters. One is a mage, one is a witch, and one is a dragon. All three want my attention, all three want me to write their stories, and I've had to put my foot down because I am bound and determined to finish the story I am working on. I have such a hard time finishing stories, especially bigger ones, that I feel I simply must end this one before I can move onto another project.  

Oh and the other night, while attempting to lay down (I haven't been about to really lay down since surgery, kind of hurts and I am such a stomach sleeper), I came up with another Fullmetal Alchemist story. Mostly I was overheated, in pain, and trying to tell myself a story to help me go to sleep. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. That night it didn't. But I got to thinking, after telling Amanda and Fiona about it later, that why make it fanfiction when I can easily make changes and create my own world, my own magical system, and so on. So yeah, that's another character that's wanting my attention. 

While writing has encompassed a good deal of my life lately, at least I don't feel manic anymore. I'm actually a lot happier and feel better than I have in a long time. I'm watching anime, listening to music that calls and inspires me, I'm not worrying about what other people want all the time. Shit, I've been laughing a lot more and louder. I almost peed the other day from laughing. It's been ages since I've laughed that hard. It's kind of freaking me out. I didn't think I could get that loud. 

On the family front, my Grandparents are still in the rehabilitation center trying to get well enough to go home. I haven't spoken to my parents in a couple of days and need to. Everyone else seems to be okay, at least no one has called, messaged, or e-mailed me any different. 

Well, I have had enough of a break and it is time that I get a little bit more writing done before I get too tried to hold my eyes open.  

Overloaded, disappointed, and no matter what, I am going to find something positive.

from a wallpaper site

There's no better way to ring in the holiday season than a bout of sickness. That's me being sarcastic, but I will get to that more in depth in a moment. First I would like to point out that while I enjoyed the food at Amanda's cousin's restaurant, while I was tickled silly over the singing quartet of elderly men who came in and sang us three songs at Amanda's family Christmas party, and even enjoyed the snow that day as well as my exchange gift (lavender sage hand soap and lotion), I did not enjoy the surge of panic that came along with it. To say that Amanda's family overwhelms me is an understatement of vast proportions. When you get the sisters together (there are six of them) in any combination or number, things are loud, you can't get a word in- there is no point in trying they are going to interrupt and talk over you anyway- you're in for a period of time in which you can't decide if you should run and hide or if you should observe because this might be good fodder for story writing. Then if you add in the kids and the cousins- we had a rather small turn out this year mind you- and pack the into a small place, the noise is much louder, the chaos is worse, and then you stick me in against a wall (because it's the only safe place where there is any breathing room) between two tables and a lot of people scooting and pushing about, Oh My God! I had a lot of problems with my claustrophobia. And, in fact, I was so overwhelmed, that when we finally got home several hours later, I had to do dishes just to calm myself down.  However, thank the gods for the snow! It was the quickest Christmas party to date on account of people worrying whether or not they were going to make it over the pass. While I dread any family gathering of Amanda's or even my family, it wasn't completely a bad time.

Amanda and I are still sick. We finally gave up and went to Urgent Care- mostly because she still needed to go to work and couldn't wait around on her doctor to have an opening and because my doctor doesn't do same day appointments. I apparently have the tail end of a sinus infection (even though I told the guy I saw that it does't feel so much in my sinuses but more in my chest and I am still coughing until I throw up and hacking up bright avocado green ick- yeah, you'll think about that next time you eat avocados won't you?). Instead of just giving me antibiotics to clear the rest out, I was given some cough medicine and nose spray. We will see how well that works. Amanda was given steroids, an inhaler, and cough medicine for an upper respiratory infection. Um, okay. We will see how well that works for her too. If it doesn't, we will be back at urgent care tapping our feet and giving them the stink eye.

I am, for once in my life, really disappointed in my father. There is a job opening at Amanda's job that he is perfect for. Amanda spoke to her boss about it and her boss said my Dad would fit in really well with the security guys there. He was even guaranteed an interview because Amanda works there and could vouch for him, and he might have actually gotten the job. More to the point, we would have let my parents move in with us for as long as they needed to get on their feet. But no, my Dad won't apply for the job and while I understand his reason of him never being able to forgive himself if he got it and took it and having to leave Grandma and Grandpa behind, I am really pissed because that means that he and Mom will be still be stuck in limbo with him have no prospects. It is maddening! What's more, the selfish part of me wants to smack him and say, remember how you felt bad about working too much and us never taking family vacations, you never making me promises, and all that crap, well you could make it up to me by moving up here, and easing my worry about you and Mom, and being close so I could actually spend time with you. But no, their lively hood and anything I want for them or feel doesn't matter over his possibly guilt. Thanks Dad, in a way, you just reinforced some "i'm not important enough feelings" that I have been struggling with. And that my help with mom, who you say is overwhelming you, isn't going to be good enough. Well fuck you too.

That aside, yesterday was a non-stop day. We went to Urgent Care, came home picked up Tsuki, and then Tsuki and I took Amanda to work and went to Winco, where my back kept trying to lock up on me. From there we went to the pharmacy, Wal-mart, McDonalds, and then to Tsuki's house to drop her and her groceries off. Then I drive back downtown to pick Amanda up from work, took the library books back to the library, and came home to cook dinner. The day was filled with a certain amount of embittered sass, a little bit of annoyed road rage, and emotional outbursts. The outbursts took place while I was trying to make dinner. All my anger and frustration exploded in the form of me yelling, slamming cabinets, throwing a package of spaghetti right into the trash only to have it burst and go everywhere. I was exhausted, hurting so much, and just wanted to scream. Oh and I have to rearrange the tupperware and bakeware cabinet because nothing would going in right so I slammed shit around in there. I also got pissed off at my dishwasher. Needless to say, I flipped my shit.

Part of the reason why I was flipping my shit is because I feel so selfish when I try to focus on me, when I want things for myself, and that shit with my Dad. Another reason was because I have gained weight again and I am trying so hard to be kind to myself. It is such a struggle because I have so many years of pent up rage, anger, and hate inside for my body. One of my friends wrote about hating herself and her body just recently and I understand what she is talking about- but from my perspective. I keep telling myself that it is okay to feel these things, to address them and look them in the face, so I can deal with them, but it is fucking hard. It is hard to say, I love myself when I can't push the car seat back any further, and my stomach touches the steering wheel. It is difficult to say I love myself when I am afraid to sleep because my period is so heavy that if I move wrong, or even cough, out gushes a ton of blood. It is hard to say I love myself when I'm having panic attacks about making phone calls to schedule appointments, going to store, and even taking a shower sometimes. It's hard to say I love myself when everything hurts from fibromyalgia. And it is hard to say I love myself when you are terrified that the one time you got drunk at a friend's house, you said something that probably offended a friend and you're already worried that said friend and well friends only tolerate you because you are engaged to Amanda. Yeah, I just said it. I think everyone likes Amanda more and just tolerates me because they want to hang out with her. I am only as good as what I can give or do for other people and beyond that, nothing. I don't make people happy, I can't make them laugh. I am certain most people think me clueless and stupid and don't take me seriously.

I hate my depression and anxiety so much. You have no idea how much it makes me angry. Sometimes, I want to tear my skin off or cut away pieces of myself.  Oh well, I keep telling myself that you have to get worse before you can get better and I am trying to get better. A friend of mine gave me affirmation stickers and one of them says something to the effect "Would you talk to your best friend they way you talk to yourself?" The answer is no, I really wouldn't. I love my friends and I don't want to hurt them or see them hurt by anything or anyone. So why is it okay for me allow the opposite for myself? And why does taking time, focusing on myself and trying to be kind to myself feel so selfish and wrong? Who the hell taught me that or let me believe that? 

Okay last thing and it is a happy one, per se. Amanda, after lots of whining, begging, and puppy-dog eyes, conned me in to doing a written role play with her. I am hesitant to do written role plays because they rarely get finished and I often neglect my own writing in favor of the RP. I do like writing with Amanda though. So last night we were talking about what we were going to write. I'm going to be an Elf, because that's what I was feeling and they are one of my favorite beings. Amanda is going to be a Dragon- also one of my favorite beings. However, I told her that I would only do this RP if she was at my complete and utter disposal for my own writing, that we only did one post a day, and that she has to write at least one page on her novel a week. I want her to finish the damned thing and if this is the only way to push her into it, then damn it, so be it! That said, I do have to come up with a first post today. Good thing it's still early in the day and I already have the roast cooking. 

Ridiculousness, school, dog sitting, Amanda

The red head standing in the middle, that's my 

Fiance, Amanda, receiving her Master's diploma. I am super exited she finally has it and that the schooling part for her is over. Her novel isn't but she will be working on it when she returns home.

There she is again on the far right. 

At the moment I am dog sitting my neighbor's dog, totally hanging out watching Ridculousness. Its stupid, its funny, and its mindless enough for a day of semi-relaxation that I am really loving it! My neighbor took her husband and kids to Boise over night so she could see her parents and Grandma. Her parents live in Arizona and were coming up to see her Grandmother. It;s a quick visit and they will be back today sometime. So far, I've let their dog out several times, watched some TV, and have done homework. It's so quiet and nice. 

So far, I've made it through my first week of this term. I had a lot of reading this week. I've had to do a list of value statements, do an author bio, and it looks like I have to launch a website for my writing. That freaked me out a little because I don't have anything published (aside from fanfic and I wouldn't exactly use that to represent me). It has to be an active site and paired up with a facebook page and twitter account or one other media platform. I am so dreading this, but maybe it won't be so bad. I can always deactivate stuff or put it on hold until I need it again. In my photography class, I have played with my camera and the settings, and played with a couple types of photography. 

At the moment, I am very tired and ready to take a nap. I can't very well go to bed because I still have a lot of laundry to do. With that comes cleaning off my bed and putting clean sheets on. I also have dinner to eat. I managed to get my desk cleaned off and the bathroom cleaned. I'd say that's progress! 

Exciting, annoying, and sleepy things...

I began my new term of school yesterday. So far all of the course work looks interesting and I've already learned quite a bit from the first two chapters of my new media and publishing class. Unfortunately some of it scares the crap out of me. I am apparently going to be making an author website this term. I also have to do an author bio and make my 'brand'. The author bio isn't quite as scary, at least it's not as scary as coming up with a brand. I'm sure I will figure it out though. I haven't started reading the homework for my photography class but I am sure that will be fun. 

Homework would go a lot smoother if I wasn't so tired all the time. I go to bed at a reasonable hour, well reasonable for me, which is usually between 10 and midnight. But, I have been sleeping in to 10 or 11 am and then around 1 or 2 in the afternoon I am so exhausted and tired that I end up taking a nap. Sometimes I can fight it off until 3pm but the last two days I haven't had much success. This really doesn't help me when I have homework and other things to do. 

Amanda is in Boston at the moment. She went to do her last residency, teach her class, and finally, finally graduate! I am so proud of her but I really miss her and wish she was home. I told her if I can get my homework taken care of, I would have a surprise for her. Well, I am certainly going to try! I can't say what it is in case she happens to read my blog while she is away. 

Narcisa is upset with me because I have been spending a lot of time outside at the neighbors house and not inside with her. But when I am inside she's busy sleeping in her bed or on the top shelf of my closet- she thinks I haven't seen the mess she made to get up there-, or she's running all over the house, hiding under rugs, or sitting in the window. She doesn't want to come sit with me and we can't play with her 'dot' during the day because its too bright for her to see it. She does come and visit me for a few minutes at night to lick my neck. I think she was weened too soon and I'm not sure she will ever grow out of it. Galen never did but at least he went for my clothes or blankets and not my neck.

My exciting news is that I am now on the Pagan Ministry Council for the IEPG. Its something I have wanted to do for quite awhile and I was really honored that I was asked before the general inquiry went out. I have so much to do now between homework and council stuff, not too much... It's basically research, writing up rituals and classes, and helping out here and there, and I love it all! But with that said, I need to put myself to bed so I can try to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow and get back to work.   

Day blown, waiting on Amanda, something good might finally be happening....

Well since I have managed to blow the majority of my day, why not blow some more of it with some photos and some news while I wait on Amanda to figure out what we are doing for our date night at home. 

This is my desk. The place I write, do homework (most of the time), put on make up and do my hair, and look for inspiration (in crafts, writing, make up and hair ect...) or play on the internet. Sometimes I get some crafting done here as well. As you can see, I like Asian things but I also love Gothic things too. Seriously, our room is a clash of random things! There is no set theme or design scheme. That will have to wait until we have a place of our own.

Awhile back I went to community pot luck hosted by the IEPG wherein we made manifestation boards. Well, the one I made there did not turn out the way I wanted so it sat in a craft bag for a couple of months. About a week or so ago, before the New Year, I pulled it out, tore it apart, and reconstructed it. Yes, I know the beige Kanji paper is upside down. I like this version much better. 

This is what I call my "work wall". The sign is one that Amanda made me out of paint, cardboard, paper and vellum paper and a few other things. Below it is a DIY dry erase board that has a list of homework, tasks I need to get done (yes, I am a list maker and you have no idea how tickled I get wen I get to wipe that board clean), and other reminders. Beside that are smaller notes for myself and a fan. The Owl ornaments a friend in Colorado made for Amanda and I one Christmas. And the map is one I drew for a story I am working on. It needs some work, but it is up so I remember that I need to finish it and the actual story. It is there for reference and because it makes me happy.

This is our DIY Necklace/bracelet board. (I will post the construction of it later) We actually made this last year, I think, and its held up very well. We have to go through our stuff as you can see. Above it is a plaster geisha Amanda painted for me when she went to one of those "you pick and paint it" plaster places, on one of her Boston visits. To the left is a DIY cell phone charger holder that I made out of shampoo bottle. Below all of that are some blank canvases I have yet to open and put paint to. 

This is just one of our bookshelves and it's double shelved on the second shelf. The little crocheted pouch on the first shelf with the Rune (looks like an arrow) is a bag of crocheted runes I got at the IEPG Yule celebration. We have some magical books, writing books, some of my paranormal romance novels, some candles and other things on the shelf too. Psst, I'll tell you a secret, that's not all of our books. We have more in the garage and some back in my parents' basement in Kansas. 

The shame shot! Something awful happened in our room. Last term of school really took a lot of my focus and whenever I could get out of the room for IEPG stuff, I went! Then the holidays happened and Amanda got sick, so our room fell by the wayside. Not that we are really messy people but when you live in one room and have Amanda for a fiance... yeah... things get cluttered and fall into disarray fast. Amanda's one of those people who comes home from work and pretty much throws their clothes off everywhere, dumps her stuff, and runs around in a t-shirt and underwear. Unless we have company, lol. So, yes, we have a basket of random stuff, a big comforter that needs washed, and I am in the process of taking down my Yule altar and setting up for Spring. I will probably move that sword to another wall. It just doesn't feel right, right there. Yes, that is another bookshelf behind the fan and the blue thing is a build a bear Trixie Luna Moon pony that Amanda got for her birthday. I have part of my collection of plush toy raccoon's. I painted peacock scenes on a wooden screen thingy I found at a thrift store for Amanda. The brown thing is a jewelry thingy I painted but I don't think I am done with it. I kind of want to redo it. Oh and the dresser is an antique that once belonged to my Great Grandma Richardson. It has a mirror that attaches to it, but we took it off and put it safely in the closet. It will go back on later. I actually thought someone in my family made the dresser because I'd seen other pieces of furniture made by members of my family with the same dark finish. But my Dad says it wasn't. 

Last picture I swear! Just a few of my little things I keep above my desk. 

So, there are several pieces of news and I will try to make them quick. 

First. Amanda doesn't have MRSA, which is a great relief. What she did have was cellulitis and no I can't spell that word. It just means she had an infection in the skin. After many trips to the ER to get intravenous antibiotics (every 12 hours), she finally started to heal. The IV port in her arm came out last night and she is able to return to work this Sunday. We had a scare with the antibiotics which a doctor took "a calculated risk" in giving her a cephalosporin. Amanda is allergic to cephalosporins, had a horrible reaction when she was in high school. But we couldn't get anyone to listen to us when we told them that. They just kept saying that if she was going to have a reaction, she would have already had it. But some people don't have reactions right away. So I am not happy about that nor am I happy about the first ER visit. We will be talking to the billing department to get some of the bill written off because there's no way we can pay for it all and the first ER visit was utter bullshit. 

Secondly, Galen never made it to the vet because we were dealing with Amanda's stuff and I was far to exhausted to take him. I feel awful but the good news is that he seems to be getting better on his own, which leads me to believe it was just a kitty cold. If his health doesn't continue to improve, I will take him to the vet for certain. And we are still planning to take him for an elderly cat exam.

The third bit of news, this term is startling to look a lot like last term, as far as me playing catch up and having butt loads of homework. That's okay, as long as there are no more big health issues.

Fourth, my Dad did not get the job with Wal-Mart. However, they apparently liked him well enough to look for other stores where he might be able to get on. I don't know if that is helpful or hopeful or not. 

And lastly, a place Amanda applied for called her back this week. We'd kind of forgotten about them. Anyway, she has a second step interview next week and if she gets this job, we might finally be able to move out of her parents house and into an apartment of our own! You have no idea how much the both of us need that. It would be a life saver, at least in my case. 

So this year got off to a very rocky start but maybe it will prove to be a year where things finally get moving in the right direction? I certainly hope so. I don't know if I can handle another bad year.