Halloween shopping, memory malfunction, and body fails.

I found this gem on pinterest when I searched for vampire art. It is beautiful, I adore that she's feeding a bat.

Today was the day that we planned to actually celebrate our anniversary and I woke up in pain, having a fibromyalgia flare up something awful. I wasn't going to let it ruin my day, so I got dressed and watched Amanda pay bills. We went to Taco Bell for brunch. After that, things went very wonky, at least for me. I am going to break this up in terms of places we went today.

Winco. We did the bulk of our grocery shopping at this store and I knew I was pushing it by the time we left the produce section- which is the first part of the store we hit. I hung in there for the meat section and the dairy section, but when we arrived in the middle isles, I was kind of foggy-brained and beginning to sweat, not because I was hot mind you, but because I was in pain. I told Amanda before we made it to the check out counter that I was going to need a scooter in Wal-Mart. I actually began to get a bit short and frustrated because she seemed a bit sluggish, I needed to get out to the car, and there was a woman behind us who just didn't seem to want to get out of my way at first so I could line the cart up next to Amanda while she bagged our groceries, and then she took bags and went up the line because she didn't want to have to wait on people with larger amounts of groceries. On one hand I get it, but on the other, she was driving me nuts.

The Post Office. I finally, finally had the money to send off a gift to someone. I got the box, got in line, was handed a shipping label, filled out the recipients address and when it came to mine I knew everything except the numbers of the street address. I panicked. I panicked so bad that I didn't realize that I could have just opened my wallet and looked at my driver's license. I panicked so bad that I just slapped the only numbers I could think of, hoped they were right, realized that I had forgotten Amanda's card, and had to run out to the car to get it. It got sent though.

Walmart. When we arrived at Walmart, I was still a little freaked from the post office and didn't know how much longer, physically I was going to make it for the day. To my dismay all the scooter carts were being used. So, I told myself that I WOULD make it no matter how much pain I was in. I tried to go as fast as I could through the store. We got a few Halloween goodies, picked up some allergy meds, stopped in the craft section so I could grab some felt, then went to the pet isles to get Narcisa some food. Then we hit the baby isles to get a few things for a baby shower gift for tomorrow. When we left that part of the store to finish up the food shopping we needed to do, I was trying not to panic from pain, scream, and cry. I told Amanda that I needed her to find a scooter. She was going to do it but I said never mind, I could do it and took a breath to push on. Thankfully we didn't need much and I sent her to the candy isle to grab some for us to have little treats here and there. I was shaking and I knew I was fast approaching pass out point. So, we booked it to stand in line.

Car ride. The ride home was awful. We don't live too far from any of the places we went today. It;s maybe a ten minute drive from our house to Wal-mart, depending on traffic, but it felt longer than that. On top of everything, my back seized up in the car, and it was so bad that I instantly began ugly crying and panicking. I had to sit just so or the pain grew worse. 

Home. When we got home, Amanda shouldered all the groceries while I came inside. I told her if she gave me a little bit, I would happily put the groceries away. I think she told me to take my time but, I honestly don't remember. What I do remember is that I sat and looked at some of our mail and then, in her rolling desk chair, scooted over to put groceries away. I didn't have the 'spoons' to do my usual food prep and honestly, tomorrow isn't looking that great either. I am thinking Sunday may have to be the day for it. I also have to make bread and our lunches for the week. 

This evening we had a study group call with some friends. A couple had to come over because of technical malfunctions and they stayed for a little bit afterward. We talked books, writing, SCA, and I think we might do a small NaNoWriMo write in together. I need to talk to Amanda about it. 

In summation, as much as today sucked for me pain and panic wise, as much as I wanted to scream and punch something, I still had good moments. I still had fun with friends and with Amanda. I think if not for those things, if not for Narcisa's antics, it would have been a no good, horrible, very bad day. 

I am not at your beck and call and last week

Something I would love to say to my aunt

Last week was a week of crying, panic, and generally falling apart. I mentioned in my last post what I tried to do for my parents. Well, I couldn't handle the thought that I had made things worse and wanted to explain myself and tell my parents that it was my fault. My Mom, of course was kind of stunned speechless for a few minutes and then spent the next twenty convincing me that nothing was my fault. A couple of hours later my Dad called and told me that he'd spoken to Grandma and that they were going to be okay and said that I really shouldn't have asked Grandma to try and cash in my inheritance for them and thanked me anyway. Then he told me that I actually don't have one while he's still alive. Since I would much rather have my Grandparents and my Parents than money, I am perfectly okay with that and told my Dad as much. So at least that is cleared up and things are okay on that end. 

Home life for me just kind of fell apart for me on a mental and emotional level. Last year I told Amanda I couldn't live with her parent another year. I've had it rough since we moved up here dealing with my own crap, losing a lot on different levels, and so on. Well, it's been a year and I've told her that I really cannot make it until she graduates in July.  Something has to happen. Either I leave and go back to Kansas, which I don't want to do or we get a place of our own. Which has been impossible because she is working on her masters degree and trying to work and look for another job on top it while playing servant to her mother and helping me out when I feel like shit. So last week I spent most of the week having small meltdowns, panic attacks, and crying off and on. I didn't manage to get any homework done. I just kind of stared at the wall or looked at stuff on pinterest or talked with a friend on facebook. I also watched a couple of movies. I think I would have been happier reading something but I didn't feel like I could because if I read something for myself, then I should have been reading homework. 

Anyway, I finally got it all started last night. I've done half the homework in each class and will have to do the other half for both classes tomorrow and Wednesday and then do all the homework for this week too. And there are some fun things happening at the end of this week, like Imbolc. There is no way I am missing that. 

My Aunt has pissed me off on whole new levels. First she's always been a manipulative, hypochondriac, hypocritical, lying bitch who loves to start fights with people. She ran my Uncle into the ground and now she's running my cousin Shi-Chan into the ground. But recently, after learning that a Shi-Chan's best friend, who is a gay man, has AIDS, she said the most awful thing, that this friend deserves it because of his chose lifestyle. No, no one straight or gay or whatever deserves AIDS!  As if that wasn't awful enough, as if tormenting her own daughter wasn't enough, my aunt actually called my mother up and told her to get off her ass, get in the kitchen, and make her dinner one night. And by make her dinner, she expected my mother to make it, bring it to her. Gods forbid she actually get off her ass and help my mother. My aunt was also "too sick" to help Shi-Chan give her niece a bath and wanted Shi-chan to call my mom and make my mom do it. Are you kidding me? My aunt has gotten so vicious, so hateful, and so fucking lazy that my Dad had to actually sit and baby sit her- he had to watch a movie with her at my parents house- while my Mom and Shi-chan cleaned my aunt and Shi-Chan's house. Just so they could get it done in peace and quickly while Shi-chan's niece was with her dad. I mean it's fucking insane!

Well, I have unfriended my Aunt on facebook because I am tired of her hypocritical bible thumping religious posts and every time I see something from her I get extremely angry. I have also blocked her on google+ so she can't read my blog or see anything from me on there. Today she called me and left a message on my voice mail saying that I had to call her ASAP! Oh fuck no! She will not order me around. I have only tolerated her this long for the benefit of Shi-Chan and my parents because my aunt is the kind of person who will take it out of them. But I'm kind of like screw it, I am done! I haven't called her because I would tell her exactly how I feel, that I don't want to speak to her again and "fuck you".

Now, there has been some positive things peaking through all this doom and gloom. I had coffee with a friend today, which was really nice. I also met Amanda at the store and since we have to replace all the stuff we left back in KS, some furniture and kitchen things, we decided to start doing piecemeal now so it isn't so awful when we do get a place. Also, the housing assistance lottery opened today so we will be filling out the application to get out names in for the drawing there as well as looking for subsidized housing. But, we found a hand mixer, a really good blender, and a set of pots and pans including utensils on clearance at Walmart today. We also bought some towels to go with the few we already have and some towels for the kitchen that came with a drying mat for dishes. I also grabbed a pot holder set. Then I got some make up remover wipes and some body wash.  

The only reason I am still up, and its 4:41 am at this very moment, is because I did something stupid and bought myself an early birthday present. Guild Wars 2. I really wasn't going to get it, but I stopped gaming when I started school and I miss it. My Dad doesn't play GW1 anymore and plays Eve Online. He buys the subscription when he's ahead. I can't afford a monthly subscription fee, even if I bought it ahead of time and I don't think I could devote enough to it to really do it justice or make it worth the money spent. GW2 I have been curious about for awhile. We were really excited when it first came out but backed away because there were some major changes. But today, I just said screw it. I can play it at my leisure and not have to worry about letting other people down because I have to do other things. I got the digital version and it's still downloading, has been since 11 pm. Its currently at 92%. 

After I have had some sleep, Amanda and are going to visit a co-worker and friend of hers for tacos and to watch a movie and American Horror Story. When we get home, I have to work on homework. Other than that, we are going to have to schedule a time to get Galen into the vet, he's kind of going down hill again. I'd take him tomorrow but it's hard to get a same day appointment with the vet and he's still eating and drinking, just has that really weird cough hack thing. 

To dance with Sister Calm

This is actually my desktop background at the moment

Yesterday was a bad day for me emotionally. I awoke feeling awful about the night before because I'd had a panic attack over seeing two cop cars circling the Wal-mart parking lot when we were in the midst of leaving. Skoora and I weren't doing anything wrong and the police had no reason to stop us nor did they but for some reason, to me they turned into two vultures circling and waiting to swoop down and attack us. And this fear stems from me getting a speeding ticket.

How pathetic.

But no matter how pathetic it is or was I was so upset about having the panic attack that I ended up spinning myself off into one far worse than the one I'd had the night before. It was so bad that I had to take half a nerve pill, and call my Mom. She had to help me calm down because I wasn't able to do so on my own. I'm 29 (le gasp!) and I can't seem to calm myself down? There is something seriously wrong with that. And what is more frustrating is that my current therapist can't seem to figure out why I came back to therapy. Because I need some help and someone to talk to so I don't scare my family and friends, duh! I'm mean what the hell am I paying you for?

After I ended the call with my Mom, mostly because the medicine was kicking in and I was starting to fall asleep on her, I did, in fact, sleep. I slept hard for several hours mostly out of exhaustion. I didn't even wake when Skoora's Mom came in to check on me.

The point is that I desperately need to pull myself back and really take time to get a tight grasp on senses of calm and peace. I need to get back to my center and quit trying to do everything and make things easier on everyone else for a little while.