As promised- new doctor and birthday weekend.

Nene Thomas art statue

I'll begin with the new doctor. For one, he's from England and really nice. Two, he doesn't want me to cast any spells on him to make him lose his accent because that's all he has going for him, he says, and he really doesn't want a Texas accent. This was because I was wearing my Slytherin cardigan to my first visit with him. Three, he doesn't want it to get out that he's a bit of a nerd because he has a reputation to keep. We get along pretty well and so far, he's actually listening to me and working to help me get to where I want to be. 

The very first thing he wanted to do was run all of my labs, including allergies. Everything looks good except triglycerides (a sort of easy fix although my Dad says he and my Grandma both deal with that and like them, my cholesterol is low). I am very allergic to a native grass around here, go figure. I love nature but nature doesn't love me. More tree and weed types showed up on the test as being "insignificant" but honestly if they are showing up they must have some element that irritates me. My peanut allergy showed up the same and he said I could try a little, see how I do and then maybe try a little more. Well. I tried peanut butter cup hoping I would be fine because I love peanut butter. I even turned on a movie so I wouldn't be paying attention, but I still got crazy itchy and worse, I had a horrible time sleeping that night. 

There were some things I already knew I was allergic to on the test as well, but a couple of new things showed up, of course as supposedly being insignificant but just how much or how little are they if they are showing up? How bad would they be if I were eating a lot of boxed and packaged processed foods instead of making a lot of stuff myself? A friend suggested I request going to an allergist for the scratch test and I am wondering if that really isn't a bad idea. 

Also, my doctor is taking me off a medication for the fibro because it makes people gain weight. My depression medication is one that is also prescribed for fibro and it apparently doesn't have the weight gain side effect, so he wants to up my milligrams on that. Then he's prescribed a weight loss drug that is supposed to boost what happens when you exercise but only for three months. Trouble is my insurance doesn't cover it and it is expensive even with the store discount. So, I've got to figure out what to do in that regard. Amanda is also thinking about getting us a planet fitness membership because they have massage chairs and hydrotherapy beds and she's hoping those will help me.

On to the birthday weekend. 

It was nice and quiet for the most part. Amanda and I were going to have a writing day but she decided that we were getting Starbucks, some food, and then we went to Wonders of the World and their bead shop. We bought some gemstones: rose quartz, pyrite, and a rainbow fluorite egg. I picked up two small packages of some incense I wanted to try by Nippon Kodo. And Amanda got me the statue pictured above. It was half off and beautiful and she kind of got to the counter when I wasn't looking. I didn't know about it until the sales clerk asked me which wings I liked better because they had another in the back that had a little more color to them.  

After talking to my Mom for a little bit in the parking lot we went to dinner. While on our way to the restaurant we noticed a lot of police cars zooming in the same direction. Sure enough, the very restaurant we were going to was cordoned off by the police and a SWAT time was there. Since there is a bar attached to the place, I didn't think too much of it and we didn't want to be looky loos and honestly, it's jst best to get the hell out of the way, so we went to another restaurant.  As it turned out there was a man in the parking lot with a machete basically trying to get the cops to shoot him. But they talked him "down" enough to get him to drop the weapon and they arrested him and I suppose got him some help.

On my actual birthday we had dinner a quiet dinner at home with Amanda's parents and cake. 

I've been very spoiled this year. Of my presents, the house got a new kitchen stove, I got a few more pieces to a collection of dishes I am collecting, I got a beautiful letter done in calligraphy, fox and raccoon plushies, an electric blanket the cats confiscated, new silverware, soot sprite cake pops made by a friend, a pretty little metal plaque, tons of wonderful birthday wishes, a book, and some stationary.

In the more present news, I am just about better. I still have a tiny cough and occasionally have to blow my nose, but feel much better. I'm cold today, but not as cold. Amanda decided to try going to work today, but since I was still half asleep when she left, I wasn't able to really see her. 

Just want so much water, hard to keep my eyes open.

 Well that's new, I unplugged the power cord to my laptop and the screen went black. It comes back on when I plug it back in. I think I am going to unplug it tonight and just let the laptop power all the way down and see how it does in the morning. 

I'm finding it difficult to keep my eyes open and n fact, it's easier to keep the closed. This morning I awoke with an awful headache and while the head ache has slowly ebbed away, the soreness in my eyes, the heaviness of them, and the loud siren song of sleep never left. I did nap for most of the afternoon and evening. Amanda and I watched a movie, ate dinner, and then watched two episodes of Bill Nye: Saves the World. I want to go to bed but I am waiting on Amanda to get out of the shower. I need help putting the sheets on the bed because I just don't think I have the energy to do it myself and I need someone to make sure I don't just lay down and sleep.

I'm also very thirsty. I want to drink water until I can't drink any more but at the same time, I know that isn't healthy and I know it would only lead to me being up and down all night having to pee. Given how tired I am, I really don't want to be going up and down to stairs all night or worse, sleep on the sofa. But I don't just want to drink water. I want to lay in it. I've wanted to find a nice  cool pool to lay in and just float for awhile. I've wanted to swim at  leisure and even do laps.  

Sounds like Amanda is finished with her shower. Time for bed   

I screwed up so bad, limbo, pain.

We are visiting our cats today. They are staying with the in laws until we have a house. 

Speaking of which, we made an offer on a cute little green house that our cousin Kitty Kat said looks like a fairy cottage. The offer was rejected and the owners asked for full price but they will pay closing costs and repairs. We are okay with that. That will work. So we have to put down our earnest money and then pay for a housing inspector to check foundations, wiring, ect... But, I fucked up royally. 

When Valley 206 gave us the relocation check, it had Amanda's and my name on it. We don't have a joint bank account. So when I signed and deposited the check into my account, my bank posted it then removed it and destroyed the check and sent out some legal document that we both have to sign, in person, in front of a teller, at the bank. Um, okay. That's fine, it really screwed us up, but okay. Except that we moved and our change of address- where we are getting our mail- hadn't yet kicked in. So if they sent it out like they said they did, then it would have gone to our old apartment- which had a vacancy sticker in it. So the letter would have gone back to Seattle, to the postal hub, to be rerouted to our forwarding address. Except it hasn't shown up and it has had plenty of time to come twice. 

We have been to the damned bank and the bank won't do shit for us. Not a Gods damned thing. We keep trying to get a hold of the Spokane Housing Authority to get them to cancel that check and reissue another one but we can't get a hold of them for shit and we aren't even sure if they will do it. 

So Amanda and I are sitting here, praying for the damned document to show before we lose out on this house. I've been so stressed out over all of this, over this one simple, yet colossal mistake of trying to take care of business while in the midst of moving out of our apartment, looking at houses, figuring out whose house I am going to be sleeping at this night or the next night, and going to the doctor, to therapy, and so on, that I can hardly stand it. I've cried every day over it. I've had panic attacks every day over it. Why can't we catch a break? 

A lot of people say its no the end of the world, but then they have never been in this situation. 

In other news, I went to the doctor today to get my blood drawn so she can check my thyroid. She made me pee in a cup too, to check my kidneys. I want to see what she says about my labs but I'm pretty sure we are going to change doctors soon. But I will talk about the why later. Oh and I have tendentious in both my Achilles tendons and carpal tunnel in both wrists. I now have to sleep with wrist braces for awhile. I also have had consistently high blood pressure for almost a year so I get to start taking blood pressure meds. Part of that is genetics, part of that is stress, and yes, part of that is my weight, but since every single person in my family, on my Dad's side, for the last several generations has had high blood pressure, um, yeah, it's probably mostly genetics. 

At the moment we are in limbo and the last several days I have been sleeping a lot and have been in a lot of pain. I have some big knots in my back that feel like knives. Amanda rubbed my back a little bit ago, but I might have her do some more later.

Frustration over Fiction, something different, and aches

There is a definite need to break away from the crap going on in my life. This morning I woke up feeling so awful. Aside from this being a fibromyalgia flare up day, my body hurts on top of that due to having to have my legs propped up for most of yesterday. They were terribly swollen again. My head hurt, even my eyelids and eyes hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I feel this bad at 33, what the hell is 43 or even 53 going to be like and that just opens to the door for my depression monster to come for  visit. I've had enough of that bitch. 

So despite feeling terrible, I drug myself out of bed, got dressed, and stepped outside for a smoke- because I'm apparently still doing that- for the time being. The landscape guys are out mowing the lawn, a thing I detest because I am allergic to pretty much all grasses, and generally tend to itch even with my allergy meds. Thankfully they had already been out front and were mowing elsewhere. As I leaned against the metal carport column, I relaxed and actually smiled. I'm not a big fan of bright sunshine as I have light sensitivity, but it is a fucking gorgeous day out. The air is crisp, has that early morning dewy scent. The birds are out, excitedly chirping and flitting about for the insects stirred from the lawnmower. I think we might have a hawk's nest in the tall evergreen that sits at the apartment complex entrance. I've seen it flying and watching, hunting near there and coming in and out of the green branches. The chill in the air was a bit invigorating and woke my sluggish brain up a little more. It reminded me of how much I would like a porch swing in my someday backyard. I want to curl up in the shade, slowly rocking, with my eyes closed and just be. I used to lay on my Great Grandma Ireland's porch swing with my head in her lap. She'd chat with my Grandma or sing me songs or tell me stories and we'd slowly rock back and forth. Those were probably some of the few times anyone could ever get me to sit still as a child.

But, moving on.  

It's getting to be that time of year again- National Novel Writer's Month, which thankfully is in November. A couple of my friends are already signed up and gearing to begin the adventure of 30 days of word vomiting 50,000 words to make a novel. That sounds gross, but when you're writing a first draft of something on a time limit, you're pretty much letting your fingers fly over the keys with the intent to just expel the ideas, story, build the world, and characters in such a manner as to get it out, then pick up the good stuff and shed the crap later. The experience can be frustrating, exciting, and surprising in a somewhat self satisfying way. Or you can look at your draft at the end and groan and wonder just what the hell you were thinking. Still, after 30 days, you will have written more or less than 50,000 words and that is an accomplishment all on its own. 

This year I'm not sure if I will be participating. There is a part of me that says, "no, it might actually be too much". But the other part says "go for it and actually push this shit out". I've "won" NaNoWriMo several times in that I've completed 50,000 words in a month or less. However, nothing I have done within that time frame has ever been finished. Which is a problem for someone who would love to realize her dream of being a full time published author. 

I told the few friends in my immediate vicinity that I would like to try to do this, to finish something, this year. They are supportive and those that are participating in NaNoWriMo think I should join them in the month long endeavor and we've discussed having write-ins together. A write in generally consists of snacks, coffee and tea, light chatting to bounce ideas off each other, and most importantly writing. Sometimes the writing doesn't happen, but that's okay too. However, with not knowing if I will have to move, trying to knock out 50,000 words might be a problem. So, I told my friends that if I have to move, I can't do it this year. If I don't have to move then I am 100% game. 

But there is another problem. I have several novels to write. There are a couple that I have been working on for years, ones that I have rewritten or restarted because my writing has changed and evolved and I am not satisfied with the story. So, I'm not sure what to write. Which do I pick? 

I confess there is some fear in choosing. What if I fuck it up? What if the characters aren't believable? What if I need to buy commas and can't get away from a certain tense? Dangling modifiers love me. What if when Amanda reads it or I read it to her, she says "that's good, but where's your plot"? Stupid confidence crushing fears. I need to just pick one and go, get it out, and then pick up the pieces after. 

I think to help me pick, to help me decide, I'll spend some time with the things that inspire me. Anime, movies, other novels, music, and even art, all these things help ignite and foster ideas through my emotional connection and reaction to them. The piece above is one such source. I love it, I want t add that sense of betrayal into one of my stories and I already know how it will happen. The scene is already formed its the getting there that's holding me back. 

I could go on, but I'm starting fall asleep. A short nap is in order, I think.

Its a lot worse than it looks, 2 months away, where the fuck is the glue?!

There are things I haven't talked about, things that are very serious, things that I've been too afraid to mention to anyone except Amanda. The reasons are that I already vent a lot of my frustrations here and while I have repeatedly stated that this is primarily what this blog is for, I hold back good deal. My perception is that anyone who stumbles across this already thinks I am a wimpy whiny bitch with slight rage issues that can't hack it. Well, maybe, but I think a good deal of it has to deal with some heavy blows that cut a little deeper, or knocked me down a little harder than I was expecting. 

Things are really bad and they have been for a long time, under the surface, and I've hidden as best as I could but ts finally too much again and I'm really cracking. My wedding is 2 months away and I should be excited but most of the time when I think about it, I just cry. My parents reluctance has hurt me really bad. Even after I talked to my Mom and asked point blank if they wanted to come and she said they really truly do, I still feel the hesitancy. I know they feel bad because I bought their tickets, because I am going to have to take care of them while they are here, and so, but isn't that what family is supposed to do? I don't care, I just want want to see them and share this moment with them. I just want to have time to share with them where I live. 

The second part is that I am scared that I am not going to fit into my wedding dress. After the hysterectomy my body changed and my flabby fat stomach shifted downward a little. My core muscles were cut into and were weak.  It's awful. I sometimes get painful rashes between my stomach fat and my thighs. I still have pain in the incision area and it till aches when I go to the bathroom sometimes. My back hurts more. I can't get comfortable standing, sitting, and especially not laying down. Sometimes the dull incessant aches of things drive me crazy and I can't stand it. I've told Amanda a couple of times that if I gain any more weight, I'm just going kill myself because nothing is working and I can't do anything without being in such pain I want to tear my skin off. Sometimes I hit myself because I am so furious with my body. I just want it to give me a little so I can make it better. 

I recently had blood work done and I got my results. My TSH levels were high and I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up. Apparently it has to do with your thyroid and my levels have all the characteristics or symptoms of Hypothyroidism. To double check the information I was reading, I asked a friend who has thyroid problems. They said, yes, my levels were high and welcome to the "hypo club".  But because I always want to discuss things with my doctor, I decided to see what she said. Only I didn't get to talk to my doctor, her nurse called to give me the results. My anemia is better, but they want send me back to OBGYN to see if my fatigue is hormone related. Why can't she do the tests for that herself? Secondly they want me to watch my sugar intake because my blood sugar was 113 fasting- which is within the normal range and the first blood plannel she did on me a couple of months ago said my A1C was perfect. She said nothing about my thyroid so I asked. the nurse said it wasn't a concern and left it at that. How is it not a concern when on the result it is red marked and there is even a little low-norm-high bar and I'm marked in the high section and according to all the sources Amanda found on the internet, I'm way above where I should be. 

This is so frustrating. It feels like my doctor doesn't want to deal with. That because I am fat, I just need to move. Well, yeah, but if there is something wrong that is keeping me this way, I can move all I want, push myself to keep going, fight through the pain, and it won't do me a damn bit of good. It hasn't so far. The worst part is that I get so overwhelmed and have been told over and over again that if I just lose weight, I won't have issues anymore, that I almost can't bring anything up. Except that if I lose the weight, I will still have a herniated disk and fibromyalgia. Those things affect one of my skinny friends too and she's often been just as miserable with pain and shit as I am. Amanda has decided that I am no longer allowed to go to the doctor without her or her mother to advocate for me because I can't seem to do so for myself. As much as that is a relief, it scares me. My doctor will want to up my depression meds or switch them and if we do that, I'm going to gain more weight. it happens every time. 

When I write this stuff out, it seems to stupid and the rational part of my brain says, it's going to be okay, one step at time, don't give up, you can do this. But none of this stops for me. I can distract myself. I can focus or try to focus  on other things but something will hurt, or I will move wrong, or a random thought will pop into my head, or I will be trying to set up a wedding party planning meeting, or even trying to clean my house, and I just- the depression monster slips in like a sly bitch and whispers a little something and I just can't. Its driving me crazy. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I look at the mess my house has become and instantly feel guilt for not feeling up to cleaning it, because that means I'm not contributing. I feel even worse when I have thoughts like "I actually need help with this, I'm overwhelmed". The last time I vacuumed, which I have been told not to do on account of my back, I over did it and hurt myself. It makes me so angry. I like cleaning my house and I can't do it on my own anymore and I'm fucking 33 years old. I've lost so much control and independence that I'm desperately clinging to any that I have left. I keep telling myself it could be worse, but that's hardly an uplifting thought. 

I'm right back to the point where I have panic attacks so bad, Amanda want to take me to the hospital.  I'm right back to having thoughts that I am a burden, a parasite, and I'm so tired to fighting to try to stay more positive and make myself get out of bed and do something productive, even something that makes me happy, that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake back up. I have these awful random thoughts of cutting my fat off with scissors to get the weight off just so I can get some relief. It is really and truly bad and I'm scared. I think the only reasons I haven't ended it, is because I don't want my parents to outlive anther kid, or to leave Amanda alone, or my cats, and I don't want to make my friends sad. 

I am trying. I'm using coping techniques that I got from my therapist. I am doing some things that I enjoy to help inspire my creativity, that make me happy or excited, and I am taking time for myself and saying to some things. I even cancelled a meeting with my wedding party because the house isn't clean (it needs picked up, dusted, swept an vacuumed), I knew Amanda and I were both too tired and or sore to get it done in time. I also didn't think I could handle several people at once an certainly did not want to have a cry in front of them.         

Bad moments in quiet days with some happier stuff.

The last several days despite being relatively quiet and low key, have not been easy. 

Thursday I attempted to clean my house. I have been doing a little better and gotten a little strength back so I mistakenly thought I could spend all day scrubbing my kitchen and sweeping. I mistakenly thought I could pick up the living room and vacuum too and then go make dinner on top of it. 

I fucked up.

Thursday night we had some friends over for dinner. I spent the entire time in pain, wanting to cry more out of frustration than because of how much I was hurting. Anyway, one friend stayed over and while we had to go to bed sooner than we would have liked, it was still a lot of fun having her for a visit. I took her home after I picked Amanda up from work on Friday, after which, Amanda and I went to a vegan restaurant on the South Hill. Cashew cheese is interesting and too bad. I don't know how I feel about vegan bacon though. 

Saturday was hard. We went to our meeting with the apartment managers. Because of their new tax credit deal with the state or government or whatever, not only do they want to verify what's in our bank accounts for the last 6 months, but they want to know if we have any stocks, bonds, savings accounts, other assets, and all about Amanda's 401k and so on. Also they want to know exactly how far in the disability application process I am in because if I get it, we will 'make' too much money to live here. As it stands with everything they want, it feels very much like a vast invasion of privacy and that we will be told to move out anyway. Or, if we do get to stay, then we will be forced to sign a year long lease, which complicates things because we are looking to get a house. They also said it would take them a month to determine whether or not we will be able to stay. I am beyond frustrated and don't really know what to do at this point. I walked away with a developing migraine. 

Amanda and I went to brunch at Denny's after that and that was shit. Since my headache was worse, we just went home and went to bed. Then we got up for a bit and got ready to go for a potluck get-to-know-you kind of dinner with our friend Chris. Except I only made it as far as Yokes before I had to turn around and come home. I got sick and I had a horrible panic attack. It was a bad one. Amanda grabbed us some food and we curled up for the night. 

Sunday we ventured out to the grocery store and to look at a couple of thrift stores, but I'd hurt my back cleaning on Thursday it was hard to walk around a lot I actually had to ask the walmart greeter if there was a scooty cart down at the other entrance of the store. She had to radio down for one. On the plus side, Amanda found me a pair of shoes that have decent arch support.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day and the same can be said for today.  I've been very tired. My back and I are fighting and I can't lift my right leg up without wanting to punch something and cry. Both knees have been giving me grief lately and my Achilles tendons have been as well. I also hurt my wrist pushing myself up in bed several nights ago. Thankfully that is better today. 

But, the bodily pain, as frustrating as all is, isn't what's tearing me apart right night. It isn't what made me look at Amanda and tell her "you're not here all the time to watch me" during one of my really horrible panic attacks followed by an exhausting hopeless crying episode. Physical pain isn't completely what made me tell her that I also asked her to take me to the hospital this weekend because I was so upset and depressed that I didn't trust myself with, well, myself. That scares me, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. I had a new antidepressant that was working great. I changed my diet. I'd tried yoga, liked it, and we are going to sign up for more classes plus I've been helping our friend Rachel with her kettle corn. I did really well with my first couple of freelance transcription jobs with Rev. I only made 3 dollars, but it was 3 I didn't have before.  I have severe depression and anxiety, I know this, I expected some pills and changes in lifestyle aren't cure alls, but I wasn't expecting such a horrible smack in the face and worse, I don't know particular issue(s) are the cause.  That only makes all of it that much more frustrating. I thought I was passed all of darker than black shit. Looks like my depression monster doesn't want to give me up so easily. The fucker.

The good news is, I've made our handfasting cord, we've ordered our cake topper, shoes, some jewelry, and something to make our wedding favors. We are still working on the invitations but they are almost half finished. 

Food Truck, Brewery, Fat Girl Yoga, House meeting, and date day.

Today, or rather yesterday, was an eventful day. You'll have to excuse me, I'm typing this sans glasses because I left them in the bedroom when I came out to make myself some Sleepytime tea, because I can't get my brain to shut the fuck up. We have to be up early in the morning else I would just take some melatonin and call it good. Anyway, since I can't sleep, I thought I would tell you about this day I had. 

Firstly, I think it was the first day this summer that we have had 100 degree F weather. Words cannot express my disdain for that kind of heat. My happy place it right around 65 degrees F. In fact, The fact that I enjoy it and snicker wickedly while my friends are donning hoodies and blankets while visiting makes all the more pleasurable. 

Secondly, I had a hell of a time staying awake yesterday morning. I even fell asleep reading subtitles on an anime I was watching while drinking coffee. That almost never happens. So, I gave up and went to the bedroom for a nap. I even asked a friend to call me if I wasn't online by a certain time. Thorin was only too thrilled for a morning nap and curled up with me. He was not, however, happy with my new obnoxious alarm. 

During the main part of the day, I chatted with a couple of people via phone and also tried to get some stuff together for the meeting we are having today with a guy in the 1st time home buyer's program. Then my friend Rachel swung by to pick me up, we went to the park and ride to get my car, and headed downtown to pick up Amanda from work. From there we located the Fat Girl Yoga studio and went on a hunt for food. Rachel saw one of the food trucks she's friends with in the food truck association and we pulled over for that. 

I had the Tex Mex Quesadilla because it was the only vegetarian thing on the menu I could eat. The Thai burrito with tofu sounded great, but I have a peanut allergy. It was really good! The food truck was called Crate and they were parked in the Bellwether Brewing Co's parking lot, I guess to help them drum up some more business. 

So, we took our food inside and tried Bellwether's mead. This mead was made of honey, mushrooms, and dandelion root. It was good too, although once Amanda learned that it had mushrooms in it, she liked it a little less. She hates mushrooms. 

Next up was our free introductory class at Fat Girl Yoga. It wasn't a very long class and for all my bodily troubles such as: hurting my knee recently, the herniated disk in my lower back, and fibro, and a recent hysterectomy, I did pretty well. I did everything everyone else was doing, maybe not fully because well, I am fat as fuck, out of shape as fuck, and it was first time. I learned a few things. 1. I need a sports bra because I do not enjoy smothering myself in my double d boobs. 2. I don't really need glasses to do yoga, especially when they want to slide down my nose from the sweat. 3. I like it despite the fact that my body shakes in a way that's kind of nerve wracking and despite that my legs don't like to stay straight. 4. I do better with the on the floor poses than the standing poses. and 5. I could stand up straight when we left to come home, straighter than I have in a long time without leaning one way or the other. Rachel already signed up for 3 more classes. Amanda and I are going to do the same today. There weren't a lot of people, the instructor was really nice and not a twig, and it's a very relaxed, easy going atmosphere.

Later today, after I have slept, and we have gone to our house meeting, we are going on a date. The plan was to go to the movies, but the only movie I want to see- okay there are two- isn't out yet. I want to see Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets. Guardian's of the Galaxy 2 we will see this Wednesday at the Garland. So, I suppose we will just go to lunch, then run a couple of errands, maybe check out an interesting new grocery store we saw today, and hit up Red Box for a couple of movies. Honestly, I am expecting to hurt more later today than I am hurting now. Yes, I am feeling the aches from doing yoga. I took some Alieve and my tea is has kicked in a little, so I'm off to bed.

Background nostalgia, angry sass, and what the fuck was that?!

Lately, as in within the last week or so, Amanda and I have begun our mornings with coffee and watching NHK World. Generally we get half an hour of news and then half an hour of whatever program comes on before or after it- just kind of depends on when we turn on the TV. Then she heads off to work and I leave the channel on in the background while I either take a nap or begin puttering about the house doing whatever it is I need to do. Sometimes I just sit and watch it for a little bit. But I was trying to figure out why I like having it on so much, I mean other than the channel having news I can actually stand and some interesting programs about Japan and Japanese culture. While I was in the bathroom today, I could hear it and realized after I had an odd memory tug, that it is nostalgia. It is summer, the air conditioner is making the house pleasantly cold, and the sound of a news caster filling the house reminds me of summers growing up. My Mom used to watch the news at noon before her soap operas came on for the afternoon. Our house nearly always felt cold and it was nice because I could curl up with a blanket and pillow and just be. So, in this sense, I suppose its a comfort.

This weekend I let some of my normally restrained sass out. I was saying all manner of things. It happens when I get pissed. Aside from hurting my knee, my heel cracked, and the damned neighbor kids were driving me nuts. Now, instead of just ripping up the grass and throwing it and twigs at my patio door, they are banging on the glass. All day the other day they were doing it no matter how many times I asked them to stop. I told them they could look at the kitties but they had to stay off the patio. I was ignored. After about three times of asking them to go away, I snapped at them. It didn't help. The lady who watches them wasn't doing anything and at the advice of Chris, I will be filing a formal complaint. My agitation continued througout the day and into the next. I also had some weird ass dreams that unsettled me and I don't remember why. I know that the Queen of England and Benedict Cumberbatch was in one dream and there was something to do with WW2, and a table in a room with markers and construction paper. I am still bothered by it. 

Yesterday was better. Amanda and I had a bit of a lazy day. She did some laundry and made us breakfast and we both made dinner. I made some no bake cookies with sunflower butter and we watched a comedian on Netflix. I started an anime but ended up turning it off to go to bed early. By that, I mean I laid on the bed and played with Thorin for a little bit. That's where I got myself into some trouble. Amanda came in and wanted me to move so we could put the clean sheets on. I had been laying on my stomach and as I rolled, sat up and started to slide off the bed (our bed is up high) I had one of the most horrible pains throughout my middle that I have ever felt. I can't even really describe it except that it was so bad I wanted to vomit and got that cold clammy pass out feeling. It subsided a little after a few minutes, but I was so sore after that I could't get comfortable in bed. I ended up sleeping on the sofa, which sucked. I still don't know what the hell happened. I feel better today. My friend Chris thinks I pulled some muscles. Could be. 

The good news for today is that I did my hair and make up today. I haven't felt up to doing either in awhile. I also signed up for Fat Girl Yoga, the first class is free. I figure that will give me enough of an idea of whether or not I can do it to see if I want to continue on and register for more classes. I also figure it will give me an idea of how best to position myself so I don't hurt myself. Other than that, my friend Chris is coming over for dinner tonight and we may or may not paint. 

The next step, disconnection, love/hate me

The last several days have flown by. I've been a bit busy and had to stop and ask myself or consult my phone to remember what day it was. Anyway, I have been out of the house a lot, helping some friends run errands and taking them to appointments. It kind of caught up with me yesterday. Last night I had pain from the middle of my back down to my toes and it hurt to breathe. I had to take a pain pill and go to bed early. However, it didn't do me much good because I couldn't get comfortable and ended up only sleeping two hours. I've spent the last three surfing the internet with that groggy, hungover, heavy feeling from the pain pill.  

I am too fucking young for this shit.

But it brings me to something that is uncomfortable: the disconnect between myself and my body. My therapist is moving me toward addressing it since I've had the hysterectomy and my new depression meds seem to be working out for me. She also has me reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The books is basically about learning to let go of all the crap and learning to be self accepting and  'enough'. The second chapter has been difficult for me, it's about cultivating self compassion. That seems to be a theme of sorts that keeps popping up. 

Yesterday a friend of mine shared this video by Dove about 'real beauty'.  

 

In it the woman talks about a disconnection of her with her body and love affair she'd been missing. It made me cry because I have the desire to love my body, to be happy with it, to be 'enough', but I hate it. I feel that my body has betrayed me. When I look at myself in the mirror I see me but I don't feel connected to it. It's like I see myself but I think that's not my body. It doesn't feel right. It's complicated, compounded by years of PCOS, Fibromyalgia, and a herniated disk in my lower back. I feel as if my body has stolen so much time and life from me. It has ripped dreams from my hopeful hands and laughed in my face replacing them with pain and blood. I hate it. I want to punish my body for being a monstrous, vicious whore bitch. I have punished it before. I've been so angry that I've beaten myself with my fists. I've cut myself. I've fantasized about taking a gardening trowel and raking my skin off or just cutting chunks of me off. And all the while I hear my Grandpa's voice in my head saying "you used to be such a pretty girl". 

I told Amanda yesterday that I really would be content being heavier if I could wear the clothes I dream of wearing. I don't need to be a size 10 or less. I would be happy at size 18-20. I don't need perfect. I need functional. I need to be able to live, to go places and do things and not be afraid to do so. I don't even care about being pain free, I can deal with pain, I have for a long time, we are old friends. I know how to navigate the fibro and bad back days. I just want to enjoy life, to love myself and be connected to all of me, to kick ass in my own unique way not struggle through anymore. 

All of that said, there is some light in all of this. I've let go of trying to be the 1950s house wife with a career and kids and avid church goer that my Grandma wanted me to be. I'm a house wife for sure, but I'm slowly letting the expressions of me come out and saying fuck all to anyone who has a problem with it. That's progress for a people pleaser I think.

3:30 out of touch, awake, and pissed

It is 3:30 in the morning and I'm tired, sure, but also very much awake. I tried to go to bed with Amanda, but I'm in enough pain that lying in bed is too much. Worse, I no matter how hard I tried to ignore it and lie still, I had a headache that wouldn't quit. Of course now that I am up, the headache had subsided and while I still hurt, it isn't as bad. It is so frustrating. Chronic pain sucks ass. I hate it. How the hell am I supposed to love my body when said body won't work with me and when I try to push through stuff, it only hurts more? 

Whatever. Since I am awake, I decided to catch up on some blog reading or in my case, my general lurking. I read peoples blogs but don't always comment. Now that I have done that, I'm going to read a web comic Amanda read and loved so I can fangirl with her about it. 

I've felt very out of touch for a long time. Out of touch from the spiritual aspect of my life. Out of touch with friends. Out of touch with family, and so on. A very large part of it is that I had surgery. But it is also that my depression monster is working overtime. And then there's the writing. Lastly, by the end of all of it, I've just been so apathetic that I'm like, fuck it all. I don't want to see anyone, deal with anyone, and those that I do want to see and have dealings with, I barely see anyway. Hello hermit life, it's been  a long time. 

I have spoken with my Mom recently. Apparently someone gave my aunt a lift chair, apparently they donated it to hospice. Well, that lift chair, when my Mom went to vacuum it, had quite a few surprises in the form of fleas, cockroaches, and spiders. Who the fuck donates a bug ridden chair to people on hospice?! I mean really, how disgusting and mean do you have to be to do something like that? Needless to say, my Dad put it in the back of his truck to take it to the dump.

Fixed Sink, Inuyasha, Pinch and stab

Lord Sessohmaru- my first anime crush

Yesterday I watched the entirety of Inuyasha: The Final Act. All 26 episodes. While I have had the last season for some time, I've kind of put it off because I didn't want to the ride to end, so to speak. Inuyasha was the the first anime I watched where I knew I was watching anime. I used to listen and semi-watch Pokemon and Digimon when I would get ready for school in the mornings but didn't know they were anime.

Anyway, my friend Jeffery called me up during the summer after we'd graduated high school and told me I needed to watch Inuyasha because he just knew I'd really like it. *enter awestruck music* I didn't just like it, I loved it. I was fascinated, hooked, and wanted to see if he demons matched the lore in the show and hence my gateway anime became my gateway into Japanese culture as well- no, I don't know a lot, but I know a tiny bit. 

Well, I can honestly say I was satisfied with the ending. I still can't stand Kikyo, but my annoyance with her is a little less. Sesshomaru is still bad ass and had some major character growth. I still want my very own Kirara and Shippo. Suffice it to say, it was well worth the wait and I'm glad I saved it for a day when I felt like shit, because it helped a lot. 

Speaking of feeling like shit. No, that really hasn't gotten any better. My body still hurts all over and today I've got a pinch in my back that hurts every time I take a breath. I can't seem to find any position to lay down sit, or stand that helps. I even tried sitting on the sofa for a bit with the heating pad, but I only fell asleep. Stretching, moving, sitting absolutely still, nothing seems to work. So I get to deal with it and hope I don't puke one of these times that I inhale too deeply.

Our bathroom sink has been a clogged bastard the last month or more. We've been able to wash our hands quickly but then it takes forever to drain. Well, the maintenance men came by, woke me up, and fixed it. It's like a whole new sink! Strange that I feel so excited about it.

I haven't really written anything. I told Amanda that I think part of that is because I want to be finished with one project before I start another. She said that was an excuse. Bitch. Seriously, I'm much nicer when I encourage her to write and I am a bit miffed about how she said it considering that all through writing my near 400 page fanfic I felt guilty for not paying enough attention to her. Ugh! So for the last couple of days I have been staring at a 170 question character building worksheet for a new novel. One that I am actually a little intimidated by. Again, it's that, it could be a really great story if I don't fuck it up, kind of thing. 

I don't know. I'm probably not making sense or maybe it's that I have a flicker of drive to do things but feel like shit so I am a little bit apathetic to just about everything- which kind of makes me angry and want to cry. I hate forcing myself to do things. 

What the hell?! At least that ended well.

Well, Friday sucked. I awoke around 8 am in such pain that my clothing hurt my skin, having the cat brush against my legs made me want to cry, and part of me wanted to rip my fingernails off because even those hurt. By 11am, I wanted to vomit, and a friend suggested that I eat something. So I made a small one person batch of pasta and sat down with the heating pad to watch Inuyasha (since I am trying to finish that up). Well, I ended up asleep after I ate and I slept until a little after 4 pm and not only did I wake up still in pain, it was a little worse than before. 

I am trying an experiment. I don't know if it will pan out, but I've always heard people complain about how their bones ache if a storm is coming. Well, I am logging the barometric pressure in my area and how much I hurt if there is any correlation. I'm not sure what I am going to do with that information, but for shits and giggles, I thought it would be interesting. 

This weekend is Beltane- well all the pagan groups in my area are celebrating it. Amanda and I are not going out to Medical Lake to celebrate with all the pagan groups. Amanda has to work. We are, however, going to a friend's house to an 'after party' per se. It is invite only so we can't really talk about it with other people- at least not with some of the people. It's not our house and I'm not going to invite them out when I know full well that the hosts don't particularly like some of those people. 

On top of that Amanda took a couple of days of vacation time because she needs it and we haven't had a lot of time to ourselves lately. Well, we just sent E. back to Boston after having her for a week and wanted some time to ourselves but Fiona wanted to come for Beltane. We told we would take her to the thing we were going to but that she would have to stay with someone else while she is here. (she lives out of town) Well she asked if another friend of ours would let her stay with her. I said I don't know you'd have to ask her. Then she wanted to know if another friend would let her and I reminded her that that friend is dealing with some stuff and that it probably wasn't a good idea. The person she is going to stay with for at least a couple of days is having a couple temporarily move in with her until they can get into an apartment. So of course Fiona wanted to know if she could stay with us despite us already telling her no in the first place. When I told her we were going out of town she wanted to know if we needed a cat sitter. I told her we wouldn't be gone that long. And then, of course, I didn't hear anything else out of her. I'm just kind of like, you know, sometimes you're not going to get to come stay with us whenever you want. Sometimes people will have shit going on and they won't be able to put you up for however long you decide to hang around. I know that sounds mean, but we all have lives and they don't revolve around her. 

Besides, we've had a revolving door of company and we would like to be able to have a date night or I don't know, fuck, without having to work around the whims of company. 

I finished the 3rd book in the Night Prince Novels, Bound by Flames by Jeaniene Frost. OMGs! That book was an intense read. I cried in places, freaked out, wanted to jump in the book and tear a character apart, but it ended on a really great note and I'm looking forward to where the 4th and final book goes. Except, I'm not because then it will be over and they are vampires so shouldn't that mean that since they live forever, that their story should as well? If you ever get the chance, I seriously recommend Jeaniene Frost's novels- at least the Night Huntress and Night Prince novels (I haven't read the others yet). I've really enjoyed them and think her Vlad is the best Vlad I have read thus far. Plus, fire pretty! 

On my own writing front, I've not written anything since I finished my story. I wanted to start editing it within the next couple of days but Amanda thinks that I should at least wait two weeks. She says I am still in love with the story and characters and every word and I need to be able to cut things that need to be cut without having issues. I think I will still have issues, but that's just me. So in lieu of that, I've been looking up some stuff on pinterest to help build characters- or help me discover a little more about them. It;s just so difficult because I feel pulled in a couple different directions by different stories. It is strange and leaves me hesitating to go one way or another because what if I lose the line? Writer problems. 

Oh, I had a first world problem the other night. I was laying in bed talking to Amanda about wanting to ride a bike again. Only, I was concerned about how I was ever going to ride a bike and maintain my graveyard tan. There are two reasons for this. 1. I like being pale. 2. I am allergic to the sun, no seriously, if I burn, I breakout in hives and I've gotten sun burnt within 15 minutes it is insane, but my mother and my cousin Shi-Chan are the same way. Amanda laughed at me. But you know, I could easily fix that by just riding a bike at night. It's not like I would ever go very far anyway... but then I remembered that I don't have a bike and at the moment, I'm not sure my back would allow me to ride one. Things to work toward!  

 Well, since I have to keep awake to take Amanda to work in an hour and a half, I'm going to go watch an episode or two of Inuyasha.

Bed, pants, and happy cats

A facebook friend of mind shared this and I nabbed it, because pretty!

Last night we picked Amanda's friend E. up from the airport. Along the way, Amanda was trying to wake up from her hour long nap of the sofa, and was a little crazy. She got mad at me because she had a laughing fit and then a cry fit and I asked her if I needed to take her to the hospital. she said when I have an issue like that, she at least offers me water first. LOL! We didn't have water and she's nuts. (Love you honey)

I have been laying down a lot more lately, on the sofa. However, with E's arrival, it was time to clear the clean laundry off our bed, change the sheets, and actually sleep in our bed. Oh my Gods! It hurt! I sleep on my side and half on my side-half on my stomach and oh boy, just laying down last night, my ribs were killing me. (I can't sleep on my back, it aggravates the herniated disk too much) This morning when I awoke, my ribs, lower back, and hip were really bad. I had to take a little extra time to try and stretch out and then I took an even longer shower than normal to get the muscles to loosen up. It sucked. I am not looking forward tonight 

Today we were supposed to go to a couple of writer's panels for the "Get Lit" festival put on by Eastern Washington University's Master's of Fine Arts program. Well, we were on our way and poor E. got so sick. So we turned around, stopped by a store to get some soup and us some frozen pizza along with something to nibble on the way home, and came back home. I'm totally okay with this, I'm tried and I hurt. 

Speaking of hurting, my stupid yoga pants seem to bother my stomach. The band is thicker than the bands on my leggings or my pants from Torrid and they put just enough pressure in just the right spots under my incisions that make me uncomfortable. This does not make me happy. I love my yoga pants and want to be able to wear them for when I start doing some exercises. 

Because we slept in our bedroom and in our bed last night, the cats were super happy! Thorin slept between Amanda and I all night and Narcisa had a great time sitting in the window and eating my hair. I have a chunk of bangs that's a little shorter than the rest. I can't believe cats can have pica! Ugh! No, really, she does. She tries to eat everything and its disturbing.   

Gothic Desk Organizer, I dyed my hands, and sleep

My desk is nearly always busy. I spend a lot of time at it and since it is also in the living room, sometimes it kind of becomes a catch all for random things. I got tired of constantly having to dig through my desk drawer to find flash drives and little notebooks and such, so I bought this little desk organizer thing pictured above from Amazon. I really liked the overall structure but didn't like that it was white. So, I painted it black with the intention of decorating it somehow.

I used some Halloween paper and Mod Podge to cover the bottom of the little drawer. 

I set a self adhesive plastic gem into the "gem setting" spot of this lovely pendant that I bought at Michael's awhile ago. Then I glued this sucker onto the front. I'd originally bought the pendant for Amanda but she said I could have it. I'm going to replace it as soon as we go to Michael's again.

This is the finished product. Oh, I painted it with black acrylic plain and did a matte Mod Podge Clear Acrylic Sealer. I added a couple more gems because I felt it needed a little something more.

Here it is on my desk with my various notebooks, some hand creme and chap stick. I love it!

Today, while I was waiting for the acrylic sealer to dry, we dyed Easter Eggs. It's tradition Amanda and I both grew up with in our respective christian families and it's just fun. Her parents also came over for lunch. It was a nice afternoon. I played with the easter egg dye, dying coffee filters, my hands, eggs, paper towels- Amanda's Dad told her to take the dye away from me three times. Normally it's her Dad telling me to take stuff away from her.

Last night I slept the first full night laying down where I didn't wake up with pain around or near my incisions. That's improvement. I did however wake up with my lower back hurting. But I cleaned a bit yesterday and we went to a couple of stores, so I walked a bit as well. It was bad enough that I bit the bullet and took a pain pill left over from my surgery. I've also sat with some heat on my back to help loosen the muscles. 

I was hoping to be finished with my fanfic this weekend but it looks like it's going to be a couple more days, perhaps a week.  I still have to edit it, but I know how it is going to end and ehm, my notes so far leave it open for a squeal.  

Cat Tales Zoological Park, still achy, music

Today we went to Cat Tales Zoological Park. 

I'm not sure what spurred Amanda into wanting to go or if it was a joint deciding venture between her and our friend Rachel. Either way, we went with Rachel and her boyfriend. 

Cat Tales is a  non-profit that takes in animals from side shows, animals that basically idiots decided it would be cool to have and then learned they were much more than they could handle and so on. They have Bengal and Siberian Tigers, a Lion, bobcats, a bear, some parrots, and at least one house cat that we decided was the most dangerous kitty at the park. No, really, we named him Skittles and he rules that joint. Okay, he probably doesn't but he's wild enough that there are signs advising people not to pet the house cats if they see them. There are also signs that state "do not run, you look like food", which I thought were appropriate.

It is not a big park and for my first real outing involving a good bit of walking, I think it went pretty well. One of the white tigers, Zeus, was pretty chatty. I didn't know if he was upset because he was limping and possibly hurting, or if he was just talking. He kept looking at me, so I spent some time at his enclosure while he walked up and down and rubbed his face on the chain link.   

I do not have pictures because my phone died during the night last night and I didn't have time to plug it in this morning before we left. My camera battery is also dead, so I didn't have that available. I linked the website above

After we left Cat Tales, we stopped by a cemetery so Rachel's boyfriend could get some pictures and then we went to get something to eat. Then we stopped at Party City and I knew after a few minutes in there that I was done for the day. It has only been four weeks since my surgery and I am still pretty sore. On top of that, I think the lackluster breakfast sandwiches I got us at 7-11 upset my stomach because I wasn't feeling well. It was bad enough that anything Amanda mentioned us getting from the store for the week made me want to vomit. 

I am still having trouble laying down to sleep. I tried this morning but it was just painful enough to keep me from getting any true sleep. So I gave up and sat up. I'm not happy about this, I would really like to sleep in bed with Amanda. I miss it and we are both feeling a little disconnect in that regard. Tonight she was having a bad night, so I made her come out to sleep on the sofa because I didn't want her to be alone. I mean, it's not like I'm likely to sleep anytime soon. Writing all night seems to be the best time for me. The rest of the world is sleeping.

A bit of good news is that my Grandmother is out of the hospital and back in the rehab center. She's keeping food down, but fora  little while her kidneys weren't functioning. She's better. 

Still writing and I did a really naughty thing. I ordered a couple of small note books from Evil Supply Co. They are relatively inexpensive and I find them to be the perfect size for story notes. Plus they are so me. This is one of the ones I purchased tonight.

On to music. I set up a L'Ame Immortelle station on pandora because I wanted more of that type of Gothic Music. Through some tweaking I am finally getting a mix of Gothic and Darkwave that is akin to what I was hearing on R1 Das Darkwave years ago. It was a streaming station I stumbled upon via Winamp over a decade ago that is no longer running. The station on pandora isn't perfect and I'm not getting everything I would like, but its close enough to make me happy. I'm still trying to figure out how the hell "Cry Little Sister" from the movie Lost Boys actually pertains to the damned movie. I know I saw it years ago, but I don't get it, lol.  I also heard a "new to me" song by VNV Nation called "Carbon" that I fell in love with. 

   

Birthday, friends, pain, and other stuff

Art by Amy Brown

Today (or I guess now it is yesterday), I leveled up or rather turned 33. When I woke up to nibble enough of something to take the pain meds, it was snowing. Nothing stuck, but it was still snowing and that's all that mattered to me. 

I hope this blog makes sense, I am fighting my pain pills to write. I should go sit on the sofa for the night, but  I wanted t get some writing done today.

The day was good, very low key. The plan was to rest, watch all three extended edition Lord of the Rings  Blurays, and rest. Some of our friends stopped by to drop off food and some presents. It was all very low key and happily relaxed. There were a couple of people I hadn't seen a lot of lately that I had missed and enjoyed seeing again. We did watch the Fellowship of the Ring and the Two Towers, but I was visiting through the first and dozed off and on through the second. I'll have to re-watch them again, probably without friends over, so I can really enjoy it without distraction. One of the things I love most about watching Lord of the Rings is getting swept up in it. 

I got a couple of books for my birthday. One book was a collection of modern day Heathen Stories, Amanda bought me Neil Gaimen's Norse Myths. There were a couple of coloring books and gel pens along with a  Raccoon necklace. Later in the evening another couple of friends stopped by and dropped off Bram Stoker's Dracula Omnibus and some horrror movies. There were some bottled shots of liquor as well, but I will save them when I am finished with the pain pills. Oh and Amanda bought me a parasol that will block UV rays.

I knew there would be pain after my surgery. You don't have major sections of yourself removed and not have pain. Anyway, I figured I would be in more pain than I am. I expected to be bed ridden for at least a week if not two. But I'm not. I've been up and moving around my house, I've taken a car ride to the grocery store and even walked through the store, trying to take it easy but hurry with my shopping. Amanda thinks I am super woman, she's pleased and a little freaked out that I am doing so well. I told Amanda that the pain I am feeling through the pain pills is what I felt all the time when I had cramps. So it hurts and sometimes I want to vomit, but because it is a familiar level of pain, I'm just kind of going about my business, but being as careful as I can not to over do it. If I didn't have any pain pills I have a feeling the pain would be much worse.

Speaking of pain. I am having a bit of trouble with it when going to the bathroom. I feel very bruised inside and think I might have hurt myself the day I first went number 2. Since then going poop or farting, sometimes even peeing, has been an adventure into cold sweats, near passing-out and great deal of  pressure and pain. I can't reached around and wipe on my own ass either (Strained something awfully bad when I tried) so Amanda has to help me out there. She's been rubbing my back, getting me drinks when I ask here and there. There have been many kisses and hugs.0

 I think she is still in a  state of shock. First there was all the fear and anger and sadness and now not only did I make it through surgery, I am not doing what she expected, so it is throwing her for a loop. She's happy, but I think she also wanted to take care of me a little bit. I think she'd prepared herself for the worst, which is good. Now she's just letting me do my thing- which at the moment is writing- although she wishes I could lay down in bed with her. I want to, but I don't  feel that I can get up as easily. So I have been sleeping, sitting up, on the sofa with my feet propped up on the ottoman. 

I also woke up from surgery with a little bit of my old sass. Or maybe its just that some of my old sass is beginning to come out again. Either way, its kind of nice. 

Well, I don't know how much sense this blog is making. I am really fighting the pain pills and this post was more of me trying to get some writing done and post happier news for a change. I've tried to write the damned thing three times today. Also, our friends are a true blessing, but I will have to write about that later.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes on facebook!  

Quick update with good news

I probably shouldn't be sitting at my desk, updating my blog, but the pain medication is helping me do that. Some of you who follow me on instagram or facebook, know that I had my hysterectomy this morning. I checked into the hospital as an out-patient at 5:30 this morning and was in surgery by 8 am. It was a two hour complete hysterectomy preformed by Dr. Mourton and her Robots- a little joke- it was robotic surgery.

Anyway, it went really well. Once I was awake, I was eating and drinking and fast to go to the bathroom. By 1:30 this afternoon, I was in the car on my way home and have been sitting on the sofa ever since. I would have gone to bed, but it is easier for me to get up and down off the sofa than to climb in and out of our high bed. Along with that, I needed to sit up after taking pain medication because once I start to doze off or fall asleep, my breathing isn't the best. I'm okay enough to be home with out oxygen, but it is still something to keep and eye on. I should be okay on that front by tomorrow morning since it has something to do with the anesthesia- or so I was told. 

So as of right now, I have been up and moving around enough to get myself to and from the bathroom and I can go without help. Moving up and down and pulling my underwear up hurts, but I can deal. I think I may have aggravated one of my incision spots at the hospital, it felt like I had a gas bubble trapped under my ribs and so I rubbed it trying to get it to start easing up. I did not know there was an incision there. But I'm sure that will pass as well. 

I'll have to write a post about the goings on this last week. I have a lot to tell, but need to get away from my desk and back on the sofa. 

So, I'm home, I made it, the offending internal equipment (or as Amanda called it  Zarcon- the villain in Voltron- has been defeated by Voltron) is out of me at last, and I am looking forward to getting some of my life back!

Never leaving the red tent, pretty art, Voltron, cat

Blossom to Stars by Neshad

I have finished off the progesterone pills my GYN gave me. The hope was that they would shut my period off, my uterus would build up more lining to shed, and then when the pills were done, I would have a revenge period to shed that lining and then the doctor could go in to check for cancer, because if there is any, he would have to approach the surgery a different way. Well, not only did the progesterone not shut my period off- only lightened it a little- it caused me to have more cramps and nausea. Now that the piss are finished, I am bleeding a little more, and last night the cramps were so terrible I was sobbing, ready to vomit, and kept going between hot and cold. Today is a little better, but then again, I just woke up.   

Because I have been feeling so crappy, I decided that I need to look at some of the art I have saved on my Pinterest "Beautiful Art" board. The one above won out. Along with the art, we have my Zen station playing on Pandora, mostly to help keep the tension of my ailments and Amanda's frustration with the cats at the moment, down.

Amanda was home yesterday because she did catch the cold I caught from our friend Tsuki. We spent the majority of the day on the sofa sleeping. While not sleeping we watched a comedy special, a travel show, and Voltron: Legendary Defender. We watched all of season 2 in one sitting and it was awesome! Both of us are really sad because now we have to wait for season 3 and who knows how long it will be before it comes out, but I think the wait will be worth it. 

Since Amanda was out sick yesterday and has today off, she's trying to get a few things done around the house. The cats approve, but want to get in on the action- which is really driving her nuts. Both kitties are underfoot. This is quite different from yesterday's cuddle fest from Throin. He was either curled up on me or cuddled up on Amanda. Narcisa spent the majority of the day in the bedroom.