Furious, can't even, reading FMA djs and manga for sanity

My hope was to not post another blog entry until after my surgery, but alas, I need to vent again. A lot of my recent blog posts have been about my damned hysterectomy, how I need one, that I am finally getting one, and now apparently not getting one as quickly as we thought. *Screams internally and mentally breaks shit* 

I saw that I'd missed a call from the Cancer Care Northwest folks Thursday evening and listened to my voice mail. My surgeon's assistant didn't give me any details other than I needed to call her back, which alarmed me a little. So, I got logged into their website to check my test results- because they put those up for people review. What I found left me upset. In the blood work there's signs of potential early kidney failure. Well, as disturbing as that is, I was looking into it on multiple sites and making notes to go over with my primary doctor and thinking that surely the anemia has a little something to do with it, and that once the hysterectomy is done, I can address that problem properly. Then I checked my x-ray results. Either I have pneumonia and don't know it or there is a partial collapse at the bottom of my left lung. I am a shallow breather, always have been, was a smoker, and have recently- in the last couple of months- been sick, so that might play into that. But that wasn't the issue.

I got a hold of the Cancer Care Northwest folks yesterday to find out what the problem was. Apparently my EKG came back abnormal and they want to send me to a cardiologist for a stress test. That might push my surgery back which really sucks because I kept telling myself "Just hang in there until Wednesday and then you'll stop bleeding all over the place, just hang in there, almost done!"  Seriously, I just about had a knock down sobbing panic attack when I was told this news. 

Then around 5pm last night, just before offices close, I got a call from my primary care physcian's office. They wanted to know what the hell was going on and why they were getting a referral request from Cancer Care Northwest for me to get a stress test prior to surgery. My doctor was so confused and it's because my ONGYN's office, who not only has her information but has an office right across the hall, in the same building as my primary doctor's office, couldn't be bothered to send her any of my information like they were supposed to, no REQUIRED to do. So my doctor's assistant had to hurry over before the OBGYN's office closed, request all my records, and hurry back to talk with my doctor and then hurry up to schedule me in on Monday to see a different doctor so that they could get completely caught up and get the refferal sent out and hopefully get me in on tuesday- the day I am supposed to be doing a bowel cleanse and liquid diet- before my surgery and even then I might still not get scheduled for the cardiologist in time and because I am so stressed out by all of this crap, I may not get approved for surgery, and it might still get pushed off, which will only stress me out more. 

*RAGE FIT*

I can't do this shit. I just can't. People tell me it will be okay and just to hang in there, to calm down, to breathe and I just want to smack them and say "fuck you, you breathe, you calm down". Everyone always tells me to calm down because for some reason no one can handle me having emotions. No, I'm not going to be the calm one. I'm sick of this shit. I really am read to just tear my uterus, ovaries, and all of it out myself. I can order scalpels from amazon and we have prime so we get free 2 day shipping. I can't just do this and this back and forth, dangling hope of a real life in front of me is so fucking cruel I can't take it any more. 

So I have been reading Fullmetal Alchemist doujinshi's and looking at pictures of Roy Mustang (my favorite character) to try to distract myself and stay calm and sane. I am thinking about going to read some old fan fic that some online friends wrote. I kind of want to print it out for myself and put it in a binder. I even want to go read some of the fanfic that I wrote for the series. I am desperately clinging to everything that sparks my joy button because I'm going nuts. And I am so fucking sick of cry over this shit. 

My Dad thinks I should go shooting, that I should just go grab our rifle from Amanda's parents house and some ammo and head out to the rifle range and shoot targets for awhile. But, its cold, wet, and I'm not sure the road up there is clear much less safe right now and I am not going to pay ten bucks to shoot a gun indoors. (Yes, I have a rifle and know how to use it. Dad taught me when I was 9 and started me out on black powder rifles and pistols and truth be told I prefer them to more modern guns- although there is an anti tank gun that was used in a movie that I fell in love with... >.>) 

Finally good news

Can't remember who did this picture and deviant art dumped most of my saved favorites on their site... However, I feel this one is appropriate given that I feel a little lighter and more assured after my visit at Cancer Care Northwest today. Some of you will have read this message on facebook, but for those who don't follow me of facebook, here you go...

Finally some good news! My consultation with the Cancer Care Northwest doctor today went really well. After being poked and prodded, the doctor decided that a hysterectomy is the best option. My weight is a concern as far as risk for heart attack or stroke and anesthesia- I knew that- and she wanted to try to install an IUD until I get some weight off. I firmly told her that was not an option, to just do the surgery. So, she had me go to the in-house lab to check to see if I need a blood transfusion because I am anemic and pale (finally the vampire/ graveyard tan has been achieved! LOL)  Then she sent me for a chest x-ray and EKG to make sure there aren’t going to be any problems or delays in that area. My surgery is set for next Wednesday and she’s already got me scheduled for a post op appointment a month later. 

The surgery will be laparoscopic and she wants to make it the least invasive as possible. 

Now, because there are risks, and when the receptionist at the hospital asked me if I had a living will (I said no but I should probably think about one- mostly to protect Amanda and have her voice heard) she gave me something that will work in place of it that does not require a notary. So, I am going to read over that and fill it out tonight. 

I really like this doctor. I feel much better and safer in her hands than I did my OBGYN. In fact, Cathy and Francis- Amanda's parents- were so disgusted with how he handled our last communication, telling me I might have cancer over the phone, that they are glad I have someone else too. And after everything, I feel very much like he just washed his hands of me. I don't appreciate that and will be finding a new OBGYN after my surgery and when I have been given the okay to return to normal medical processes. If I need one that is. I did give my new doctor complete permission to take it all. I told her she could burn it. I have no love for any of it, as I have said before. 

Well, that's the update for now. I need to go pick Amanda up from work.

Unexpected Kindness

Yesterday Amanda kept fussing at me to get dressed. After I'd help her make breakfast, I'd fallen asleep in my night clothes on the sofa watching something on TV. I was resistant for awhile. I didn't feel up to going anywhere, I didn't really want to see anyone, and even though our friends who are twins were coming in the afternoon, I wasn't exactly motivated to get dressed even then. But I had had a hard day the day before. It's not every day that you receive news that you have pre-cancer and I'd done pretty well to stay calm for most of the day. I only yelled  "I hate you" to my body once. I'd been weepy and angry, but didn't actually break down and just cry until about 10 pm. I ended up taking a xanax and cuddling with Amanda on the sofa that night. 

But back to yesterday, I finally got up and got dressed- mostly to shut Amanda up, but I only put pants on. I remained in my night shirt and refused a bra. Sometime toward evening there came a knock at our door. The twins had already arrived so I didn't know who it was. Well, it was a guy holding a green tissue paper wrapped thing asking for me. I brought it inside and unwrapped it to find a beautiful arrangement of flowers. They were sent not by Amanda or even any of my family or friends (not that I ever expected anyone to), but by Amanda's two bosses. 1. I have never been sent flowers. 2. These two ladies have only met me twice and briefly.  I was so shocked and surprised that I almost cried. We put them on the mantel so I could see them from the kitchen and living room, but also because that it one of safer places in the house from the cats. I have to make an amazing thank you card for them.

I left a message with the Cancer Center Northwest yesterday and they called me back. Not only do I have the direct line to the woman who does scheduling for the doctor I have there, but I also have a consultation appointment for Tuesday. Amanda's Mom is coming over to go with me and she said we will not leave the office until we have an appointment for surgery.  My own Mom was apparently trying to scrounge up the money to fly up to be with me and while I would love that so much, more than I could ever say, they can't afford it, someone needs to look after the dog because my Dad has landed himself some more work. My Dad also doesn't think I really want my OCD mother in my hair now and until after my surgery. No, she'd probably drive me crazy, but she'd be here.  I did tell my Dad that ideally I want them both here, but to be honest, I want them here for my wedding most. 

Well, the twins are here and I have a few things I need to get done out of the house today. I'm not sure I have the energy for it, but I will go for as long as I can. My period also started up so I am extra tired again. I'm kind of hoping that the twins don't get too upset if I take a nap for a little bit this morning. Oh and  friend of mine is coming over to borrow my sewing machine today. She is sewing a tunic for her husband for an SCA event- an event that I would like to go to too. I'm just wondering if I can get something made to go over my shift in time... 

Bad news from the GYN.

My GYN called me today to give me the test results of my ultrasound and biopsy. Both are abnormal.  He said I have hyperplasia- a pre cancerous growth in my uterus, and he is sending me to the Cancer Center Northwest. He said that they are going to do the hysterectomy like he would, probably a little more and make sure nothing has spread outward. They will also probably keep and eye on me for a year afterward. 

I kept telling people there was something wrong, for YEARS, I told them. 

I'm going back and forth between pissed, crying, and everything is all over the place but hey at least it is snowing!

I think I am going to go find something to eat for lunch and go back to watching War and Peace.  

Post Attack Dog appointment, mood fluctuations, anime and Paddington

If you were to remove all the niceties from the conversation I had with my GYN about the trouble I had had with his nurse/receptionist,  it is all my fault and the nurse is frustrated with me for not getting things done when things are so dire. There was also a mention of me being hysterical. 

Excuse me?!!

I did not delay anything. I didn't lie about appointment locations. I got a little snappish and short with her on the phone, but I was never in any way hysterical in person or on the phone. I wanted to march out to the desk and smack the receptionist/nurse and tell her that she'd not seen hysterical. I have been watching my mother's identical twin preform maudlin martyr hysterics all my life. My aunt is so bad that the ICU of a hospital begged us to make her leave. So if that bitch really needs to see hysterics, I can show her hysterics!

Also during the appointment, my GYN decided to do a pap smear as well as the biopsy. Pap smears are no big deal, they are invasive and uncomfortable, but they don't hurt me. The biopsy, on the other hand, hurt like hell. Apparently your GYN can and supposed to numb you for biopsies. Mine did not. So when he forced my cervix open, that ached. The clampy thing, pinched. But the cutting of my uterine lining was s painful, I instantly wanted to vomit, went into a cold sweat, and wanted to cry. As soon as I got home, I ate 4 Advil. 

The next day I had an ultrasound. That went well, but I was still sore and the student tech seemed a bit surprised that I was having an ultra sound right after the biopsy. The tech who was in charge didn't give a shit and I got the feeling that she was more annoyed with my presence than anything. So, I tried to lighten the mood by asking a few questions by what I could see on the screen. I don't think it helped much.

My next appointment is supposed to be my pre-operation appointment. Of course I have to wait until all my lab and text results come back and in the meantime, I have to keep taking a high powered dose triple dose of estrogen to keep me from bleeding. Of course, I am still nauseated, my mood swings are worse, my boobs hurt and wearing a bra is painful, and I am still very weak and sleeping a lot, but if this gets me the damned surgery, I will take deal with it for a time.

Because I have felt like crap and because Amanda doesn't want me going anywhere by myself much less driving (except for yesterday when it was necessary for her to get to and from work), I have been watching a little anime. 

I finished Kamisama Kiss season 2. I really liked it and am hoping for a season 3. I don't know if that is in the works, but I also haven't gone to look yet.

Inu x Boku Secret Service was really good too. It wasn't just a crack, romantic anime, it had some surprising and lovely character growth and development. I really enjoyed it. There is a character obsessed with S&M and I while I don't mind that, he was a little obnoxious and disturbing.

I also have a new favorite kids/family movie- Paddington. I'd wanted a kind of feel good movie, I like bears, and I remembered my Aunt M., mentioning Paddington when I was little, about the time my Cousin C., was born. Curiosity got the better of me and I love it! I enjoyed all the actors and the "hard stare" moment has kind of become a thing. It was also one of my favorite parts of the movie. Because I have been weepy off and on all day, a bit panicky too, I think I might see if Amanda will let me watch it again, or something just as light. I don't really feel up to blood and guts tonight. 

When Dad says, "Stop internalizing and flip your shit", you know it's time.

found on Google search...

This morning I woke to take Amanda to work- she is out of bus passes- but I felt very weak. My eyes were open, but I couldn't seem to completely wake myself up. I felt nauseated and eating breakfast wore me out so much I could not drive Amanda to work. It just wasn't safe. Amanda had to call her job and ask to come in at 1 pm. She set me up on the sofa, blanket and space heater, because I was cold, and I fell asleep before she could really sit down. 

Around 10 am, I woke because my phone rang. I remained awake, because I needed a shower and since I felt a little better, I went for it. However, I did not get a full shower. I almost didn't even get my body washed. Amanda had to help me a little. As it stands, I still have to wash my hair. After helping me into the bedroom and gathering clothes for me to wear, Amanda was laying on the bed in case I needed her. I told her my whole body, my muscles, were burning. It felt like I had pushed myself too far during an intense workout and was now had wet noodle/jelly limbs. The muscles in my legs keep trying to tighten into charlie horses as well. My jaw muscles tighten any time I breathe too hard. 

Well, I got dressed, I made it back to the sofa, and sat down to rest, because I was going to take Amanda to work and then I was going to keep my therapy appointment. Then my GYN's receptionist/ nurse thing called. She said that I didn't do my ultra sound or my blood work and so Dr. Meltzer couldn't see me tomorrow. I told her that I did do the blood work, I did it the day he ordered it. I told her the lab didn't run the right panel. Then I informed her that I tried to do the ultra sound and this is when Amanda stepped in. We told her that we went to Liberty Lake, that I double checked the location- turns out she was the one who I spoke to when making the appointment- and we told her what happened. She denied that she was at fault, that there was a miscommunication and implied in every way that it on my end. Then she said that my appointment tomorrow was the one we moved up from the 9th. 

At this point I wanted to scream. I told her that no, it was not. The appointment on the 9th is the biopsy appointment. The appointment for tomorrow is a follow up instructed by the ER doctor. She ignored me and went on to say that Dr. Meltzer can't see me without the ultra sound and blood work. Amanda got a little snippy with her and the nurse/receptionist thing (her name is April), said she would ask Dr. Meltzer what he wanted to do but that basically he can't seem me unless I get the other stuff done. 

When I got off the phone. I was in tears. Amanda was pissed! I called my Dad. He listed to me and then told me not to threaten to cut my uterus out, to show up at the appointment tomorrow and flip my shit on them. He said to make a scene and until something is done, to make them listen to me. He said that he knows it make me uncomfortable, that neither of us like confrontation, but this is not a time to internalize everything. I said, "but Dad when I flip my shit and really lose it, I throw things and break stuff". His response then was to have some attack dogs go with me, meaning the friends who have been wanting to take over and set these people straight.  

I told a few close friends about what was going on, because I am scared, I need help and am not good at these situations for myself. If a family member or a friend was getting treated like this, I would become an "attack dog", but for myself, I don't know why I can't seem to. (probably the old- I feel unworthy- crap I am trying to shake) Anyway, one of those friends came over right away and called the triage nurse at the OBGYN's office. Thanks to her help, not only is my appointment set in stone, but the doctor has a note in his files stating that he HAS to see me tomorrow. This friend is also going with me to raise hell if need be. Amanda is going, of course, and Amanda's Mom is going too. Cathy won't let anything stand if it isn't for my benefit. 

Because lets put this into perspective, Amanda looked up how dangerous it is to have a really low Hemoglobin level like mine is right now (mine is at 7.5).  If I get down to level 6 I can have flu like symptoms, have a heart attack because of lack of blood, need blood transfusions, you know DIE. I am 32 and I'm getting married in October. I don't want to die because a stupid doctor and his nurse wouldn't listen to me and remove my fucking uterus!