Some sadness, some pain, some fur, and a little fun.

Yesterday was a pretty good day, once we got out of the house. My friend Fiona came to visit and we went to Spokane to look at some apartments. The first place didn't seem to have anyone in the office as did the second place but the manager showed up just after we'd all gotten back in the car and had our seat belts on. Amanda and I were both so disenchanted with mostly everything since her father pretty much ruined the morning with a lecture of how we shouldn't waste apartment manager's time by shopping around when we aren't ready to move out. Personally, I think that is wrong. It is good to know what you need to save up for, to know pet deposits and deposits, which places want you to pay more than electricity and so on, if you even like the layout. Some of those internet picture don't really do apartments justice or do them too much justice. You need to see the area these places are in and so on. Anyway by the time we got to the third place, we were were actually able to see an apartment. Those apartments were smaller but if its just Amanda and I, we can make it work. I personally think the apartment complex wants too much for the space but that's just me. I am still hoping to get into one of the ones we looked at toward the end of last year. Shit, I have dreams about that place. 

After we looked at apartments, we picked up another friend and went early to see the woman who hosts the Wiccan Spirituality Circle. We love that woman, she's so warm and wonderful and fun to be around. We had some fun chatting with her and her husband prior to the meeting and then we had fun talking with everyone else when they arrived. It was a really good meeting too. We talked about the power of water. When it was over, we said good bye and took our friend home. Fiona, Amanda, and I then went to Denny's and had a very late dinner after which we came home and just spent a few hours talking before bed. 

All three of us are pretty desperate to get out of our living situations. Fiona was talking about how she feels like she is suffering a slow death of stagnation and of course there is a lot more to it but I understand exactly what she means. I often feel that I am just dying a little more inside every day. I have lost a lot. I feel that the last 4-5 years there has been more damage done than in the whole of my life and I have been subjected to some ugly things. 

Anyway, we are going to be looking at housing options in Washington and dare I say it, even some here in Idaho. I don't really want to stay in Idaho, I want to be in Washington. Amanda would make more money there and have more work opportunities there. It would also be easier for us to spend more time with the friends we've made there. But we will see. I have to do some research on both and look for some more jobs for Amanda. We might even have to all live together just to get us all out and get some peace. Of course we will have to have some rules, especially since Fiona has 4 cats and a dog and we have 2 cats. But we will figure that out later.  

I have also accepted with great emotional pain and anxiety that yet again I am going to have reapply for disability. It was a humiliating nightmare before and I don't want to go through it again but I'm just not able to work. After I finish this blog, I will be retreating to my bed because I am in too much pain to sit at my desk and simply exhausted. I'm going to work on homework, of course because it needs to get done. I am forcing myself to stay out of bed as long as possible today. I'll get up long enough to make dinner, of course. I'm making salmon croquets and we'll have salad to go with it. Instead of lightly pan frying them, I might just bake them so I don't have to stand so long.    

I am having another problem with Amanda's Mom. She pissed me off so bad this time I just don't even want to talk to her. The other night  Cathy came home from work and was pissed because I didn't have dinner done and ready for her. Well, Amanda, Fiona, and I weren't home. We'd gone to the library to pick up a book I need for a class and we were looking at the area around the library and the lake because this is the area that Amanda set her dystopian novel in. Anyway, she was pissed and left with 25 dollars to go to the store so when we got home and Amanda's dad told us all of this, we didn't know if we should wait to see if she would bring anything home or not. Well Amanda's mom was pissed even more when she got home from the store to find that dinner still hadn't been made and then proceeded to rip us a new one about how on days she works she doesn't cook and how we all talk about losing weight and by god this time she's gonna do it. She was starving and so she made only herself something to eat, a plate of ham and some veggies from a really small veggie tray. All the while she's basically blaming us for all of the unhealthy processed food in the house and saying without saying that we're trying to keep her fat. Amanda, thankfully stepped in called her out on it. Saying that she is the one who keeps buying all the highly processed, carb-filled food. Let's put it this way, I was so angry and upset that I left the room in tears and took a Xanax to calm down before I either blew up or broke down. Because in all reality, this woman has and is doing everything she accused us of doing while we've had a 3 year long battle with her over getting healthier food and cooking right. Point of fact, Amanda's mom is very lazy and unless its easy she doesn't want to do and thinks I should have this mindset too. Yes I am in pain, yes a lot of the food I like to cook takes time to prepare, but I am more than willing to work around my disabilities and sit in a fucking chair in the kitchen to prepare and cook it. I actually enjoy cooking flavorful, healthy food. she's the one who wants bland over processed food

Then to make matters worse, the minute we got home last night, Amanda's mom started telling me all the healthy food she's going to buy. I just sat there staring at her. I didn't say anything. This will only last for a week or two at most and then she will be back to the same old shit. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I spend most of my time in my room anyway.  

Okay, so now that that's out, I am going to quit bitching and whining and get to work now.    

Skull for Skoora, pet cremation, and now I'm starting to panic...

Skoora is in love with skulls so the pic is for her today. I didn't used to like them, thought their empty eye sockets were creepy, but after having them around (fake ones that is) they don't really bother me.

Yoda is doing much better today. He actually went to the bathroom, drank some water, and then begged for some ice cream. He is still bloated and from everything we have read, it's kidney failure or at least the beginnings. And we just don't have the money to take him to the vet. When Yoda gets bad and is in pain, we'll have to take him to get put to sleep. I never wanted that for him, but it is what it is and I don't know what else to do. Skoora and I cried over this mess for quite some time last night. I know this shit happens, but why can't it happen to the people in my life who are rotten and horrible? Why does it have to happen to my cat? Yoda is my baby and he never did anything to anyone.

I was thinking about getting him cremated after he passes. But I am not exactly sure how much that will cost and of course the place in town that will do it, will probably want us to buy their urns, so it might just be better to bury him up on Skoora's families property in the mountains.

I am fighting the intense urge to take a nap today, even have a little mantra going in my head "you don't need a nap, you don't need a nap". Of course most of this is because I looked at my syllabus for both classes and immediately groaned then started to panic. I have some book work to do in my math class followed by a discussion board post and replies. But, I also have to choose a final paper topic and write a proposal and outline for it. The final paper has to be 10 pages long. I've already picked a topic and I might even have a back up if the instructor doesn't like it. I almost want to do the whole paper now but the college has it structured in a way that you have to turn certain things in at a certain time. Sometimes, breaking things up like that, makes it more difficult for me. Also, I really don't want to write a 10 page paper on math, I would have much rather taken algebra again instead of this class that was geared more towards writing. Shit, I made it to Pre-Trigonometry at ITT Tech (my credits didn't transfer). Oh and just so you know Math is not my favorite subject. I have a form of dyslexia wherein I tend to swap numbers and letters around. So 142 to a normal person sometimes looks like 241 or 124 to me. I've had lots of wrong answers because of that. Consequently, I also have trouble with spelling too.

Along side the annoyance of the math 10 page paper is another paper but this one in the WW2 class is also between 10-12 pages long. This one I think I might have a better handle on in some  respects because it deals with history. I've picked two topics from the topic list that I have an idea of, but I need to double check some things on one of those topics just in case. However, like the other class, this one is set up to have different parts turned in at different times as well. I understand that's to help the general student populace, but it's still really annoying to me. I think it's also to make sure people don't procrastinate (which is something I used to be and am still a little good at).

I am also panicking a little bit because it is week two of this term and while I understand that the college redesigned the WW2 course, there aren't any page numbers listed on black board to either of the three text books we are supposed to be reading. The teacher doesn't seem to know which pages we are to be reading either which doesn't make me feel any better, especially since she's taught the class six times already. She promised that the Dean is looking into it. Oh and did I mention that the third text book wasn't even on the class required materials list when I went to buy books? That's really shitty. Good thing the college online library has it, else I would be calling up my Grandmother to borrow the money for an extra text book.

Okay, I admit it, when it comes to school, I really like everything to be neat, cohesive, and to be spelled out. Tell me what you want and I will do it. I don't mind being creative with it, I don't mind doing extra thinking and what not, I am not a lazy student, but at least tell me what you want so I can give it to you.

Of course, I probably wouldn't be so frustrated if I wasn't currently anemic and still bleeding very heavily. When I spoke to my Grandmother yesterday, I learned that she, too, has been anemic off and on, and the best thing I can do is to eat lots of leafy greens, red meat (which has actually doubled in price here recently- you can buy ground turkey for less and that's a shocker), and take iron supplements. I've already been taking the iron; the rest of it, we'll see what we can do when we go to the store tomorrow.

For now, I am going to attempt to get something be it homework, another blog, book plotting or looking at some more information on setting up an etsy shop for my sewing endeavor, done. I need to find some more pattern ideas online too and bookmark the ones I want to buy. Either way, something will get done today even if I have to have Skoora smack me to keep me awake.