Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is. 

Losing home, are you kidding me, and almost hospital

Five months ago I asked my parents if me buying their plane tickets, taking care of them while they were at my house so they could attend my wedding, would be okay. My friend Rachel was fronting me the money and I was to work it off during the summer at her Kettle Corn stand. My parents said okay. Two weeks ago my Dad said he might be able to come because they would never dig themselves out of the hole from losing a weeks worth of his pay. Amanda said she'd give him money to supplement them coming up. We don't have it but we were going tom make it happen. That just pissed my Dad off.  There were somethings happening at his job that might have allowed him to come. Except they never happened. He never got the promotion, he never got the job with another correctional facility in another county.... it is a mess.  So he is not coming. My Dad is not coming to my wedding. It is official. And I am not okay with it. I understand why. But it still hurts. It still feels like I'm not worth the effort in a way. 

Worse, it sounds like my Mom wants to bail on me to. I was talking to her last night about another issue and she said "If I come up". I just about lost my shit. "I said, what do you mean 'if'. You're coming!" But you know at this point. Fuck it. Just fuck it. No I don't want her flying alone. Yes, the lay overs suck and the changing of planes is a hassle, but damn it, aren't I worth the fucking effort? Apparently not. 

On top of that, my fears of being kicked out of our apartment came true yesterday. They finally found something to give us the boot and they can get away with it. Amanda makes commission but it varies and is not a gaurnteed thing. But they basically did a 'projected' 'what she has the potential to make' estimate and used that to kick us out. It put us over the kick out line by $100 dollars. $100. We have 30 days to get out of our apartment. We still have to pay rent for October, the full amount, and if we move out before the 30 days is up, we don't get the money for the day not lived here back. When Amanda asked if we could have two months, they said no. I told them we are getting married next month, that my Mom is flying in from out of town, that we are going on our honeymoon. They didn't give a shit. It was pretty much "aww that sucks, get out".  They are giving us $1,800.00 for moving expenses. I am trying to look at that as a positive but it is very difficult. I don't actually trust that these people will hand us that money in the end. 

Last night was awful. I cycled through crying, wanting to break things, wanting to vomit, being furious, and then feeling like the ground under me was crumbling and I was scrambling to find something to hang on to before I was buried and suffocated by my own feelings. I tried to keep it all in and keep Amanda from texting my parents with offers to give them money we really don't have to they come to the wedding.  That just stressed me out more even though it was so kind and sweet of her. It's not her fault, its that my Dad won't take it. He's too proud. His pride is hurting me and I don't think he realizes it. 

I almost gave up last night. I was watching anime and talking to my friend Chris over facebook messenger. When things get really bad I have the urge to scratch and tear my skin. Last night I wanted to flay it off with a knife and it scared me. That's just not normal. I took half a xanax and sat on my hands. It was awful and I really considered asking Amanda to drive me to the hospital. I even mentioned it to her and she was going to take me. But I didn't go. She has to work today and couldn't afford to lose sleep. I didn't want to be away from my cats or away from my home. 

On top of that, Amanda broke out in hives all over her body. We don't know if she's got a latex allergy- she popped all the birthday balloons at her desk yesterday. Or if it was stress hives or both. She looks better this morning. 

Amanda and I are both trying really hard to be positive and look at this all positively. We want a house and this is a potential opportunity to make it happen sooner rather than later. We've already been looking and last night I found one that I really like in our price range. We've been making a plan of what to do. We have a friend who is going to come and stay and finish any packing we might need to do while we are on our honeymoon. We are going to put nonessential stuff in storage and out our bed in Amanda's parents dining room because that's where we can go with the cats. We'll probably do some couch surfing a little bit too. Then when we are able to get a house, Amanda's parents are moving with us and living with us for 6 months. We are trying to get them over here anyway and get her mother into a better doctor. 

So, today while it's 4:40 in the morning and I am awake and already trying to still the panic, anxiety, depression monster, and trying not to cry, I'm making plans to go to Sally's Beauty Supply to pick up some more bleach for my hair and maybe another box of hair dye. It's time to do my hair. And I think, today, I want to paint my toe nails and I don't know, just try to make it through the day. 

Update and A Small Gothic Fashion Frustration.

Things are still rather nuts. The imperative sense of scrambling seems less intense. I still do not know if my Dad is going to make it to the wedding. He is still waiting for news on his end, but with every day that drags on, the less time I have to call the airline and make changes to the tickets. 

We still have not signed a lease with our apartment complex. We went in this last weekend to do so and give them Amanda's 401k information -which they can't use against us anyway because she hasn't been contributing to it- and the lady in the office said she didn't know why they had us down to sign a lease when they have some sort of paperwork done yet. Wow, really?! So we made yet another appointment for this coming weekend to sign the lease then. 

Amanda's Mom came last weekend as well. We got our car from the mechanic and it runs nicely. As soon as she gets paid, we'll take it back to emissions testing and get it tagged so its legal to drive again.

Also last weekend we did some wrap up wedding shopping. That was a bit overwhelming and exhausting, but it is done. All that is left are a few things from Amazon and Amanda and I need to finish making the decorations. Well, and writing our vows. Amanda's freaking out a little. I'm... not? Perhaps that's because I've spent the last several months in a state of high stress and fear and this crap with my parents and the apartment has been enough to make the actual wedding stress look like a vacation. I mean I've cried over the possibility that my Dad might not be at my wedding and thus all the wedding pictures are going to be permanent evidence and a reminder forever of that- which conflicts with all the happy-fuzzy feelings I should be completely swept up in for that day- which only pisses me off and makes me want to cry all over again because its not fair to Amanda that I'm so fucking depressed over it. I've tried to say fuck it, whatever, but I can't help the way I feel without stuffing everything down so far that I go numb again. *sigh* I really need to get the fuck over this. 

Because I am pear shaped and fat, finding a wedding dress that I liked and would fit me was never going to happen.  I would have had to make it or find someone to make one for me both of which was going to be more expensive than we could afford. If one were to go by semi-standard US sizing, my hips need a 5x but my shoulders need a 2/3x. Trust me, it sucks. I like Victorian and military goth styles A LOT and my shape doesn't always accommodate that, unless tailored right.

So, Amanda and I hit Torrid to find something. She found a pretty red and black Snow White dress and I found a formal-ish, plain black dress. Because its fall and we're having an evening wedding, there is a good chance it will be chilly, so I was going to need something for my shoulders. Well, no one really makes patterns in my size for what I was looking for. So, I did the next best thing and bought a costume pattern in the biggest size I could find and got on the internet to see how to upsize it. The bolero circled in yellow in the picture above, is the pattern I used. I nixed the collar and took the points off the red part of the sleeves. I also did away with sleeve gathers and still had to tailor the damned thing to fit my shoulders because they are small. I found a velvety burnout damask fabric in black so, its black, not blue and red like the picture. I also bought a broach/necklace to finish it off. You will have to wait for the wedding pictures to see it. I haven't even tried it on with the dress yet. 

I want to make another one, a couple actually, just not with the same fabric. The teeth that move fabric along on the my sewing machine didn't like the fabric very well and tried to eat it. That was several small fits of panic. And, now that I know how to upsize a pattern and actually have a handle on sewing sleeves, I would like to venture out into other pieces of clothing. But that will have to wait until after I make Amanda's cloak, until after the wedding, and possibly even until after winter. 

Life exploded in my face, keep it together, and listening to the rain.

First, before I get into the emotional and mental upheaval and turmoil that left me telling Amanda that I loved her but don't want to be here anymore (which is only half true), I want to report that it is raining! For me, despite the aches that come with the rain, it it like a good omen and salve to my tattered nerves. I love the rain and gloomy days are always better for me all around. I'm reminded by that song from Garbage, "Only happy when it rains". 

On to the shit!

It began with a letter from DSHS (Department of social and health services,). I have to do a review to keep my food stamps. Okay, no big, I've done it before, all it takes is a phone call. Except there was another letter from my new case worker, who sent a letter detailing that I need to get into my doctor within the next x amount of days to be reevaluated. I don't actually have a doctor at this moment. I mean my insurance assigned me a new one when my doctor ended her contract with them. So, not only do I know if this new woman is taking new patients, but I have never met her nor do I know if she is actually going to do anything to help me. So I have to deal with all of that. Okay. So that on top of the wedding stuff is stressful. But it gets worse. 

My Mother called and informed me that my Dad may not actually get to come to my wedding. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that they can't afford to lose a week of his pay. But that there was something he was working on but he wouldn't tell her and if it came through he might get to come. Then she proceeded to tell me all the ways I have to be okay with this. Are you fucking kidding me?! I felt so sick while on the phone with her. I felt like I just don't matter, that work will always come before me, and it was all so much worse because I was finally allowing myself to get excited at the prospect that they were both finally coming. I mean, they didn't come when they actually had the money, which was really shitty because at that time I had really needed them too, but I never fussed. 

After a good cry in which I told Amanda that I feel like I'm just not worth anything, that this kind of thing just reinforces it over and over again, that I have these urges to tear my skin off, and that I love her but I don't want to be here anymore, that I can't do this anymore, I called my Mom back angry. I told her that I needed to know what the fuck was going on because I did not get heat sick, over work my body, and stress out over helping Rachel for nothing. She didn't know. So I called my Dad, who was pissed at her for mentioning anything to me in the first place.

Apparently there are some new things happening with my Dad's two jobs. He might get full time. He might become an assistant manger, he might get extra work, or he might get hired at a correctional facility in another county. If none of that works out, my Dad says that they will never dig themselves out of the hole if he loses a week in pay. Grandma and Grandpa can't help them out anymore- which I more than understand. He said he never would have told my mom anything because she is so OCD and fixates on thing, except he had to tell her something because otherwise, she would hound him about not telling her anything. Apparently she kept her mouth shut for a couple weeks but was mad at him and said that he had to tell me himself. Except he didn't want to say anything until he knew something. But I told him, he had to keep me updated because I will have to deal with the air line to get the name on the ticket changed if my cousin Shi-Chan comes in his place, and if she doesn't, then I need to get a refund for the ticket and I need to do all of that soon.

While I was still raw over the crap with my parents, yesterday morning Amanda got a message on her cell phone from one of our apartment managers. They need more information on her 401k. She never signed up for 401k at work, her job automatically signs everyone up for it. The truth of the matter is, we are supposed to be signing a lease this week but they are looking for ANY reason they can use to kick us out. The apartment complex recently became a tax credit complex- which means they want as many low income and state subsidized tenants as they can get because they can charge a higher rent. The tenants will pay a small portion of that and the state will pay the rest. For people like Amanda and I, we don't get charged the higher rent, we get charged a market price. So we don't make them more money. 

I knew, several months ago, they would pull this shit around the wedding time, but tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay- that I wouldn't lose my apartment, that everything would be fine. But this shit with Amanda's 401k, they want to use it to say that we make too much to live here. So, yesterday I began looking for studio apartments or even one bedroom apartment. They are either as much or even more rent than we pay now. I did find a two bedroom for less than we pay but no pets are allowed. Technically, my cats are therapy animals but when you tell an apartment manager that, a lot of them will find some other reason not to let you live there to get out of having to accommodate therapy animals.  

So there was talk of living with Cathy and Francis. FUCK NO! I can't move back to Idaho and live with them in that tiny apartment. Plus they can't have two more animals in there, not with the new management. I would also lose my health insurance and Amanda would have a longer bus ride and we would pay out more in gas for her to drive back into Washington to get to the bus that would take her to work. We could live with Rachel, but I don't want to burden her despite that she offered. 

There was even more talk about finding a housing lender that will lend to people with student loans who are in the first time home buyer's program. We have been assured that they are out there, but we have to find them ourselves. So the thought was that Cathy and Francis would help us get the ernest money and move in with us for 6 months to A) help us out and help us save up a buffer by paying half of everything and B) allow them to pay less money out so they can save to get a better car and find an apartment here in Washington. That could work. Especially if we have more space to escape and find quiet. And we wouldn't have to worry about the cats. 

Where this is a problem, is time. We are getting married in less than a month and we may not have an apartment in less than a month and we have people coming and the fucking wedding! Outwardly, yesterday I was a sobbing mess. I cried every few minutes and couldn't seem to stop. Internally, I was screaming. 

Then, on top of all of that, Rachel called to tell us that we couldn't take our car to her mechanic because he's not certified to get our car up to snuff to pass emissions. That, I can deal with easiely, I just have to find a certified mechanic. The problem we couldn't deal with very well, was that the damned car doesn't seem to want to accept gas when we try to fill it up. Amanda couldn't even get two gallons in yesterday and she said it was spitting the gas out, but the car was almost empty. 

I. Cant. Even!

By the time I got home, after crying most of Sunday and off and on all day yesterday, I turned into this, and attacked my desk to try and put all of this into something I could at least get a grip on and try to handle feasibly. Amanda worked on trying to finish up our wedding ceremony and she made me dinner. Since I fussed a little on facebook, a couple of friends have offered to help in different areas, which is really nice because honestly, most of the time growing up and even as an adult I could do things for other people but they couldn't be bothered to do anything for me and it hurt, a lot. 

Anyway, I have a list. First, I'm going to call my supposed new doctor and see if I can't get an appointment with her this week when Amanda can go in with me. Then I need to call DSHS. Then I need to call the mechanic and see if I can't get the car in. Then I am going to call Rachel's landlord to see if he has any rentals available. Then I need to call a list of lenders to see who will work with us. Then I need to deal with the apartment managers and tell them they will deal with me because Amanda and I are getting married next month and anything pertaining to her will also pertain to me and they can just fucking deal with it.  At some point I need to make lunch and dinner and finish the painting I for Amanda's birthday, pick up the house, and start some laundry, oh and shower. And I have to do all of this without losing my shit or having panic attacks because of being on the phone with strangers. Nope, still haven't been able to shake the phobia of talking on the phone with strangers from the call centers I've worked for. You get told enough times that someone hates you or wants to kill you because you interrupted American Idol or some shit and you just stop wanting to even look at a phone. 

And in all of this, Fiona is trying to help but I know what she really wants is for us to allow her to help so she can move in with us and get out of her shitty situation but really, I will kill her if I live with her. I love her, she's like a sister, but I will kill her. She also wants to start doing spiritual stuff and I just can't even think about setting that up right now. 

So, yeah. I'm going to get on that now that's it's after 8 and businesses are finally open.  I can't decide whether I want to cry or be horribly angry and all I want to do is curl up on my sofa and binge watch anime- because anime always makes me feel better. And I hurt today. Its another fibro flare up day- which doesn't help. So wish me lots of luck, I will need all of it!

    

Doctor's appointment, needing Tomoe, panic and talking to parental units, and thrifting!

Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss

Had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and it went fairly well. I've lost 8 pounds, however, my blood pressure was higher than the time before. I'm sure the screaming headache, stress over the wedding and other things going on, in addition to feeling like I'd run full speed into a brick wall didn't help any of that. We talked at length about the vegetarian diet. The verdict: my doctor isn't sure she wants me eating a vegetarian diet because I was so anemic before. However, she's ordered up a full blood panel to check thyroid, A1C- well everything to be sure. She also said that on the off chance that everything looks normal, she will send me back over to OBGYN to make them do a hormonal check just to make sure that we're not missing something. On top of that, she said as I lose weight and my blood pressure lowers, the mottling in my legs should go away. To help that, she's giving me a water pill for a little while. So, at this point, I just need to do my fasting blood work tomorrow morning and wait to see the results. Oh and she doesn't want me doing any more exercise than I am comfortable with- as in don't exhaust myself- and to eat more than three times a day. Which I have been doing pretty good with on my own anyway, especially lately.

Still Tomoe

During my doctor's appointment, I started not feeling good and just figured that I needed to get home and get some lunch. However, as I was driving home, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't hungry but I felt awful and realized that I was starting to panic.  I thought if I can just get home, I can deal with this, but if I have to, I will pull over. No sense in endangering myself and others for no good reason. Well, I made it and as soon as I got inside my apartment, I grabbed a bottle of juice and sat at my desk. I thought I was going to be okay but I was mistaken and all hell broke lose in my head. 

Amanda had taken a sick day because she wasn't feeling good and I am so glad she did. It was like the Gods and universe was telling us we needed to be together that day. I had one of my really bad panic attacks, the kind where Amanda starts talking about taking me to the hospital but I freak out more because I can't handle being away from home at that moment, but at the same time she's scared and trying to get me to breathe and drink water, and keep me from clawing the skin off my chest because I can't breathe. I don't remember a lot of what was said or how long I was panicking, but of what I do remember was  that Amanda didn't deserve to see it or have to deal with it. I remember telling her that I was sorry. 

Somehow, don't remember how or when, Amanda got me on the bed, turned on the fan, and got me a cold wash cloth and water. She also found my xanax and for a little while I might have napped. Not too long though, she made us lunch. I ended up calling my Mom because during the panic attack I had been asking for my Mom and Amanda tried calling her. The last thing my parents need to hear is me having a horrible panic attack via voice mail so I wanted to tell my Mom not to listen to it and just delete it right away. I told her what had happened and I was much better and things were okay. Of course she wanted to know what was going on. 

Xanax is nice sometimes because it is very numbing and I don't tend to care so much or rather worry about being so blunt. So first I asked my Mom point blank if she and Dad actually wanted to come to the wedding. Mom was a bit shocked. She said they really do want to come but they feel awful because they don't have money to help or even really a gift. I don't care about that stuff. My Mom doesn't have a dress- I told her we would start looking for what she wanted and even take her dress shopping when she got here. She's also worried about putting us out as far as food goes because she needs soft food. No problems there, I can make her soup, mashed potatoes, soft casseroles, ect. Both of my parents loathe flying, but they will do it. And Dad might actually have a shot at a full time job which is amazing, but he's worried they either won't hire him or not let him have time off to come up. So, as usual, they didn't want to make a promise they couldn't keep. But they don't really understand that in doing that, it's almost, if not, more hurtful than disappointing me. 

We moved on to other issues like my stupid shoes, my doctor's appointment, Amanda sticking up for me with a friend, some other friend troubles I've been having and so on. It was a good call. 

Amanda's parents were coming for dinner that night and also to talk to us about something you just don't talk about over the phone. We ended up going to Torrid to pick up an order we'd placed and introduced Amanda's Mom to the store. She got a couple of really cute dresses. Then we went to the thrift store wherein Amanda found an Octopus cup for herself and a fox cup for me. I found this:

It is a creamer cup from a red glass Avon collection from ages ago. I've been collecting red glass drink ware and have been wanting to collect this particular series of Cape Cod dishes. However, it is expensive and so I'm getting it piecemeal at thrift stores where it is vastly cheaper. I think I paid a $1.50 for this piece. But if I am honest, I had started collecting the Johnson Brothers Willow Blue dishes as well. 

 I also found a Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit, movie edition game. I can't wait to play it!

The news Amanda's parents needed to tell us was about Amanda's older trans (was male) sister. I told Amanda as much as I loathe what her sister and now ex-sister-in-law did to her parents, we really do need to just put all of that aside and get in contact with her. Part of that is to give comfort and to heal a relationship between Amanda and her sister that Amanda has mourned for a long time. The other part is to make sure that said sister doesn't fuck over their parents again. 

Lastly, 

I've been posting pictures of Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss in this this blog post because for the last couple of days, when I am upset, I've turned on Kamisama Kiss, just to see him. He makes me happy. He's a cute, pissy, Kitsune. Kamisama Kiss is also lighter anime, Shoujo meaning that it is geared toward a female audience with a focus on personal and romantic relationships. As much as I love my intense, dark, and even cerebral anime, every once in awhile I just want fluff. Anyway, I adore watching him with Nanami and the other characters. They are a lot of fun and helped me feel better.

For those wondering, Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist is still my all time favorite! 

Nope! This just isn't working.

I know I don't get everything I want. I know it doesn't hurt me to want. I've been told "No" so many times in my life that when someone says it, it doesn't really bother me and I am quite comfortable doing without, waiting, or working really hard to get what I want myself. My patience is limited but at the same time large in quantity. I am also pretty resilient most of the time and pretty adaptable. However, today is not my day. 

I don't think my parents actually want to come to my wedding. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know where I went wrong. Did I really ask too much?

I was never able to get the wedding dress I wanted for lack of funds, sewing experience, and so on. Amanda and I did the best we could with that we had and I am readjusting to make it amazing despite that but it is still a bit upsetting and kind of a disappointment. I'm pretty sure that everyone else will be better dressed than me and look really good in what they will be wearing. I am hugely fat so nothing looks good on me no matter how hard I try. 

I've been fighting with leg swelling since before my hysterectomy and it's only within the last few days that I've had normal sized legs and feet- they looked mottled by the way for which I am talking to my doctor about, could just be from the fibromyalgia but just in case I want her to look at everything. I ordered a size larger than I wear for shoes for my wedding got a decently priced pair even. As in mine were more affordable than Amanda's and hers were even decently priced. Anyway, they arrived today and they don't fit. Amanda and Rachel could put them on, they were snug on them, but for having normal sized feet for once, for my feet being smaller than Amanda's, but I couldn't get my feet in them. 

Why must everything I do or try to do or every "should be beautiful" life event in my life be met with struggle and tears. Why do I have to fight all the time? 

Its not totally doom and gloom. I have some pretty great friends who are making this whole event for Amanda and I not a total wash. I can't even express how much I appreciate and love them for that. I think if it weren't for Amanda and my friends, I don't know that I could do any of it. 

I shouldn't have to beg for this.

The clock is ticking downward day by day toward Amanda's and my wedding. The dresses are bought- although not completely finished- the guest list has been made, wedding party and duties designated, and the mock up of the wedding invitations finalized. It's going to be a very small affair and despite the lack of funds to do a dream wedding, we've got amazing friends who are helping us make it as lovely and perfect as possible. Not that either of us really want for much. Which brings me to the thing I wanted the most, my parents to be there.

My friend Rachel made that possible by buying my parents plane tickets. The stipulation was that I help her when she needed it at farmer's markets, which to be honest, I would have done for free any way if asked. That aside, to make sure this was going to work, I called ahead and asked my parents if this was okay, if they would come, and was given a green light. The tickets were bought and for the last month I have been helping Rachel out and have almost paid off the tickets.

So what's wrong? I spent more than a year, more like two agonizing- which seems like a strong word, but it depicts exactly how upset I have been over whether or not my parents would be there- over this issue. I've talked about paying for half their way, paying for all of it. I've politely asked. I've told them it's all I want. I've even basically, in as nice as way as possible, put my foot down and read my Dad the riot act to which he said he might be able to come up with a miracle to make it happen. Well, a miracle happened and things were really looking up. I was finally giving myself over to all the silly excitement and then my Mom mentioned something in yesterday's phone conversation about Grandma.

My parents are not doing well financially. They spend over 800 dollars in medication every month. My Dad doesn't always make enough money to pay rent and sometimes they have to ask my Grandparents for help. I know it kills my Dad to ask. I know he had ideas and principals in him where he feels like a failure and him not being able to provide completely twists him up. Both my parents have depression and pride issues. That's where I get. They will do what they can to help others before helping themselves. Which is why they are staying in Kansas instead of moving up here where there the job market is better and where they can live with us- rent free- for as long as they need. They won't leave Grandma and Grandpa. Which I wholeheartedly understand, especially since my Dad's sister wants to just throw them in a nursing home and leave it at that. Anyway, apparently Grandma has been getting after my Dad to find a different job since this one just isn't working out the way it was supposed it. Dad was promised certain things that just don't seem to be happening. Not his fault. Shit happens. Well, Mom said Dad can't get a new job now because he's coming to the wedding and they can't tell Grandma that because I don't want Grandma to know I am getting married. It is a religious issue- it would kill her if she knew it wasn't a Christian wedding. Then she said that she and my Dad feel like assholes that I'm running myself ragged so they can be here for my wedding. I told them not to, but my mom said they just do.

I kind of brushed that off and puttered along. Then Mom called today to ask me if something were to happen, if Dad got a new job and couldn't come, or if after her biopsy she couldn't travel, could she give the extra ticket to my Cousin Shi-Chan. I agreed, of course, I love my Shi-chan and it would be fantastic to have her here. But there is a problem with this. 1st, I'm scared about this black spot in my mom's mouth that she needs a biopsy on. 2nd, I'm really worried that's she's already decided that its going to be horrible, life threatening news and is planning to not be able to come to the wedding because- and she didn't say it but it was implied- undergoing chemo therapy. 3rd, I am a bit pissed that it is implied that I have trapped my Dad into the job he's currently working for the next three months and not able to do what he needs to find another one. 4th, I'm pissed that these seem like excuses to not to come.

You know, I should not have to beg my parents, who say they want to come, to come to my wedding. They do not have a problem with my being pagan. They do not have a problem with me being in a lesbian relationship. They don't even have a problem with me getting married. So why the fuck can't they just swallow their fucking pride and come up? That's the best gift they could ever give me. But I have beg? I have tried not to be pushy or selfish. I have let it go when they actually HAD money to come visit and didn't come see me up here. I've never ever been upset about having to drop everything and fly down to look after my Mom so Dad could work. I didn't even think twice about it, I just went, because they asked and because I was worried and wanted to help.

Fuck! At this point, my wedding has lost all of its excitement, all of its joy. I just want to get the paperwork from the city, have my officiant do a quick private ceremony, sign the paperwork, and then go on my honeymoon. If its not important enough for my parents, then it must not be that big of a deal period. So why put all this fuss and effort into it when I'm just going to be miserable all day that they aren't going to be there or that only one of them is. That's not fair to my friends who are putting time and energy into it. It's not fair to Amanda. And its not fucking fair to me. So fuck it. 

Territory, Warm Mochi, and Shit!

Don't fuck with my friends!

Mostly people, if they are paying attention, can pick up that I am territorial. I'm territorial of my space, sometimes my time, and most certainly of my family and loved ones. I can be territorial of my friends too, but mostly, I'm super protective and that's not something I share often, because as Fiona remarked once, I can get really intense. Of course, I don't think Fiona has ever had someone get really fucking angry over how certain people in her life treat her. 

So, while I have been helping Rachel with her kettle corn stand at the farmer's markets, I've done a lot of people watching. People are so fucking snooty and rude. Yesterday some woman gave Rachel a dirty look and she said something to me about it. I was in the middle of eating my lunch of mushroom, carrots, the apple cinnamon oatmeal cup thing I made, and one Mochi. Mochi is a Japanese sweet treat made of rice flower and sweet red bead curd in the middle. Since it was warm out, so too was the Mochi. Anyway, I asked Rachel if she wanted me to go throw my Mochi at the woman. I told her I couldn't guarantee that I'd actually hit her, but I'd give it my best shot. She thought that was funny. But I was hot, tired, aching, and had run through most of my "nice, pleasant, polite, sweetness" that I generally endeavor to operate on. Point of fact, put me out in summer heat, in mostly direct, bright sunlight, lots of noise, screaming/ whining children, and barking dogs, then add rude people into that, and I start getting cranky. Mostly it's the heat and sunlight. I hate being hot and I have a sensitivity to light plus the stupid sun allergy and no that's not me simply being Goth and Vampire centric. That's me being cranky and pissed that someone was giving my friend a dirty look.

I had another moment of that today while I was covering another farmer's market for Rachel. She had something she had to do today so she prepopped or me last night and dropped me and the stuff off today. Well, an old man was bitching and actually said he was going to have to get after Rachel for there being burnt kernels of kettle corn in every bag he picked up. Okay, no. The kernels weren't burnt. They were barely brown and if he really had a problem with it, I would have happily handed his money back to him. It wasn't really what he said, it was how he said it. But since this is Rachel's business, I plastered a smile on my face and mentally punched him. 

As the afternoon wore on, I ended up taking out the notebook in my purse and started working on scenarios in which I worked the snoots into a story idea in which they met a grisly end or unfavorable fate. It was a great way to vent my frustration and pass the time. The market was slow. Really slow. Slow enough that I was able to read 30 pages in novel, people watch, and write short bits.

The really shit parts of my day consisted of listening to my Dad vent about my Mom and knowing exactly how he feels and at the same time knowing that on some level my Mom can't help some of it. Still, when you are there, dealing with it, it gets very overwhelming.  Then I got a letter in the mail about my student loans informing me that I have to pay a portion or all of the interest by July 31st and I just got them deffered because I can't pay them at the moment. I haven't had a chance to read the letter in detail, I just skimmed through it. And I got a big packet from them too, which makes me nervous. I am still having pains in my stomach around the surgery incisions. Surely I should be completely healed up in that department by now.

On a happier note I got to cuddle with Thorin for quite a while this morning. He was by the door when I got home too.  Tomorrow I am going to do some stuff for me while I recuperate from the last two days. I was thinking about setting up on the sofa to watch anime and cuddle with the cats. I thought about keeping the curtains closed and turning the air conditioner down to about 65 so I could curl up with a soft blanket and pillows too. I have Green Tea ice cream and Sangria sorbet for treats if I want something sweet. Oh and I made bread the other night, so I can make grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch! 

I made stuff, migraine, fatigue, bad sleep, and cuddly cats

Remember that picture I posted of myself the other day. Well, this one is a better one in my opinion. 

I have been pretty busy these last several days. We went shopping at Fred Meyer for groceries and then we checked out a new store called My Fresh Basket. It opened up in Kendall Yards. My Fresh Basket a bit pretentious but they do have some specialty things that we haven't found elsewhere. I bought a bar of Sandalwood soap as a treat.  Anyway, because we have adopted a new food diet, I made sure we had plenty of fruits and veggies, which meant that I was in the kitchen cutting, slicing, and chopping- doing food prep- pretty much most of the weekend. When I wasn't doing that, I was cooking or baking. I made a peach pie and a Strawberry pie- both of which have been eaten. Last night I made eggplant parm without the parm. I also decided to make my own Popsicles. The above was supposed to be strawberry pomegranate but I forgot the pomegranate.   

This one is lavender lemonade with real lavender. I also used some of my lavender syrup, not a lot. 

Here is peach pineapple.

And this is vanilla matcha. I have a vanilla coffee syrup and I used just a little to sweeten the matcha.

I have been very exhausted the last several days. I have trouble focusing and staying awake sometimes and others I feel sick. At night I've had some trouble sleeping in bed again and end up on the sofa. Today, I woke with a migraine and it only grew worse as the day progressed. Thankfully, after some coffee, alieve, and laying down for a bit, its disappeared. However, I tried to make vegan apple cinnamon breakfast cups and misread the recipe for lack of being able to focus, and put in too much vanilla. Amanda had to take over for me and double the recipe. That did the trick. I decided to make bread today. It has been rising a little longer than usual, but I need it to double in size and with the air conditioner going, it's been a slow process. 

I am a bit annoyed with my Mom. I called to talk yesterday and during our conversation she informed me that I wasn't going to lose weight just because I decided to go vegetarian. Um, thanks. What the fuck?! I don't get it. We were vegetarian for a whole year when I was a kid. They still cook stuff from the vegetarian cookbooks they have, granted it's not much, but still. Plus me being vegetarian affects her in no way except for the the week or so she and Dad will be visiting in October. If she's worried that I am going to become one of those self important, high horse, condemn you for eating meat vegetarians, she's mistaken AND she should know me better than that. More importantly, I should have to feel that I have to justify myself for trying to see if this will be better for me health wise and reduce my physical pain.

On a much happier note, my cats have been very cuddly lately. Even Narcisa. She actually let me lay my head lightly on her last night. She even purred! 

The casual stroke, books, writing, and sobbing

Sometimes when I have trouble writing I turn to pinterest for inspiration. I happened upon this little gem which had me in a small giggle fit. No, that is not anything that Roy Mustang has said in Fullmetal Alchemist, someone over on Tumblr (that gross place I refuse to visit) made a ton of these little "texts" from Fullmetal alchemist. Some are meh, but some are really funny. 

I decided to reread books 1 & 2 of the Night Prince Series Jeaniene Frost wrote so everything would be fresh in my mind for books 3 & 4. Well, it took me a couple of days to read through book 1 simply because I was trying to write and was doing other things. Book 2 I plowed through in practically one day and I immediately started books 3, which I read half of yesterday afternoon. OH. MY. GODS! I literally could not stop reading until I felt the two main characters were in a good place. So much bad shit happened! It was so intense and heart breaking. I sobbed my eyes out in a couple of places. My skin crawled in others and now, I'm right along with the characters seeking revenge! 

But, I refuse to pick up the book despite it being mere inches from my fingertips, until I have written a good deal today. I got out a page or two last night but since we are having company fly in from Boston tonight, I want to get as much done as possible. As it stands my Oc's brother is being a total creeper and my Oc thinks she's losing it. 

Speaking of the brother- who is Zolf- that reminds me. Christine, since I am refusing to allow myself the distraction of facebook today, I saw your message about writing. Sometimes when I get stuck, I have to go write something else or write some bullshit nothing few pages just to get my brain working. If that doesn't work, then I force myself through it, no matter how frustrating or how long it takes me. I've basically been crawling through the last 15 pages all week.

I've cried for other reasons aside from book drama. The depression monster and I think that's about all I need to say about that for the moment. 

I spoke to my yesterday morning  and I think the next time I see her I am going to strangle her. Apparently she thinks she had a light stroke and that it was caused by the spikes in her blood pressure from all the uncontrollable limb jumping. Its possible, but what the fuck didn't they tell me sooner? And how the hell are are you just going to causally mention that in a conversation with your kid?! Then follow it up with, "I didn't want to panic and worry you, it's not like you can afford to come home every time something messes up with me."   No, I can't, but for fuck's sake, I at least deserve to know these things. Yes, Aunt Laura is literally dying. Yes, Grandpa is slowly wasting away from Alzhimers and because he won't eat. Yes, Grandma is in bad shape. Yes, Dad's not doing so great either. Yes, you (as in my mom) is a cluster-fuck of health issues and I have more than my share of shit going on too, but damn it, don't keep shit from me. I hate it and it's not fair! I don't keep anything from them. It's so frustrating!

2017 beginning with no illusions.

2016 is over and we are 3 days into 2017. I can honestly say that I have no expectations for this year to be any better or any worse than the last. I have hopes that it will be better; Amanda and I are getting married this October. But then again the wedding, at this point in time, is a source of heart break for me. When I think about what should be one of the happiest days of my life, I'm filled with dread and feel the urge to vomit. It's not pre-wedding jitters or even the ceremony or dresses or normal things, its that my parents aren't planning to be there. This isn't because they don't want to be. It isn't because they are morally opposed to my religious/ spiritual choices or even that they are opposed to be marrying a woman. In fact, my parents want me to get married and be happy. No, it's that they don't have the money to come up and I'm not sure Amanda and I will have the money to help them get up. Friends have helped me search for alternative modes of transportation and my Dad even suggested we Skype the damned ceremony. I could do that, I could spend all my time worrying about whether or not cell reception is working, if the connection will hold, if my Parents can see and hear it. But I wanted my Mom to fuss over my hair and I want my Dad to walk me down the isle. But like Great Grandma Ireland always said, "It doesn't hurt you to want". Except in this case, it really does. So, fuck it all. I'm taking a friend's suggestion and I am going to start a "Go Fund Me" page dedicated toward air fair or gas to get my parents from Kansas to Washington. 

Narcisa has been sick lately. We thought it was just a cold that would clear up on its own, but her voice sounds awful. I made her an appointment today with the vet and will be taking her Thursday. Hopefully we can figure out what's wrong with her and help her feel better. She and Thorin are getting along. She even let him cuddle her last night. It was quite cute. 

On to the picture above. I think I mentioned that I was beginning to play EVEOnline- the free version of course- and if I didn't, well, now you know. There is a lot to this game, no really, there is. You can basically do anything in it and its really neat. So far, for a hour or so that I have played, I like the graphics, the music, and while there's a lot to learn, I think I will get the hang of it. 

Back to the new year. I did not make resolutions and haven't really since middle school. So instead I made a list of things I want to work on. They don't have to be complete, since any are on going works, have been, and will be for many years to come. I made a list of seven, just because I thought that was a reasonable and feesable number, and I like odd numbers.

1. Health

2. Writing

3. Wedding

4. Crafts- sewing to painting and so on

5. Heathen and Witch study and practices

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more

7. Quiet time for myself as well as time for just Amanda and I. 

Lastly, Amanda and I went to the Garland Theatre here in town to see Princess Mononoke on the big screen. I really love this theatre because they show old movies and Anime and they aren't horribly expensive. In fact, we only paid 5.00 dollars to get in tonight. We might go to the Labyrinth next week.  

Overloaded, disappointed, and no matter what, I am going to find something positive.

from a wallpaper site

There's no better way to ring in the holiday season than a bout of sickness. That's me being sarcastic, but I will get to that more in depth in a moment. First I would like to point out that while I enjoyed the food at Amanda's cousin's restaurant, while I was tickled silly over the singing quartet of elderly men who came in and sang us three songs at Amanda's family Christmas party, and even enjoyed the snow that day as well as my exchange gift (lavender sage hand soap and lotion), I did not enjoy the surge of panic that came along with it. To say that Amanda's family overwhelms me is an understatement of vast proportions. When you get the sisters together (there are six of them) in any combination or number, things are loud, you can't get a word in- there is no point in trying they are going to interrupt and talk over you anyway- you're in for a period of time in which you can't decide if you should run and hide or if you should observe because this might be good fodder for story writing. Then if you add in the kids and the cousins- we had a rather small turn out this year mind you- and pack the into a small place, the noise is much louder, the chaos is worse, and then you stick me in against a wall (because it's the only safe place where there is any breathing room) between two tables and a lot of people scooting and pushing about, Oh My God! I had a lot of problems with my claustrophobia. And, in fact, I was so overwhelmed, that when we finally got home several hours later, I had to do dishes just to calm myself down.  However, thank the gods for the snow! It was the quickest Christmas party to date on account of people worrying whether or not they were going to make it over the pass. While I dread any family gathering of Amanda's or even my family, it wasn't completely a bad time.

Amanda and I are still sick. We finally gave up and went to Urgent Care- mostly because she still needed to go to work and couldn't wait around on her doctor to have an opening and because my doctor doesn't do same day appointments. I apparently have the tail end of a sinus infection (even though I told the guy I saw that it does't feel so much in my sinuses but more in my chest and I am still coughing until I throw up and hacking up bright avocado green ick- yeah, you'll think about that next time you eat avocados won't you?). Instead of just giving me antibiotics to clear the rest out, I was given some cough medicine and nose spray. We will see how well that works. Amanda was given steroids, an inhaler, and cough medicine for an upper respiratory infection. Um, okay. We will see how well that works for her too. If it doesn't, we will be back at urgent care tapping our feet and giving them the stink eye.

I am, for once in my life, really disappointed in my father. There is a job opening at Amanda's job that he is perfect for. Amanda spoke to her boss about it and her boss said my Dad would fit in really well with the security guys there. He was even guaranteed an interview because Amanda works there and could vouch for him, and he might have actually gotten the job. More to the point, we would have let my parents move in with us for as long as they needed to get on their feet. But no, my Dad won't apply for the job and while I understand his reason of him never being able to forgive himself if he got it and took it and having to leave Grandma and Grandpa behind, I am really pissed because that means that he and Mom will be still be stuck in limbo with him have no prospects. It is maddening! What's more, the selfish part of me wants to smack him and say, remember how you felt bad about working too much and us never taking family vacations, you never making me promises, and all that crap, well you could make it up to me by moving up here, and easing my worry about you and Mom, and being close so I could actually spend time with you. But no, their lively hood and anything I want for them or feel doesn't matter over his possibly guilt. Thanks Dad, in a way, you just reinforced some "i'm not important enough feelings" that I have been struggling with. And that my help with mom, who you say is overwhelming you, isn't going to be good enough. Well fuck you too.

That aside, yesterday was a non-stop day. We went to Urgent Care, came home picked up Tsuki, and then Tsuki and I took Amanda to work and went to Winco, where my back kept trying to lock up on me. From there we went to the pharmacy, Wal-mart, McDonalds, and then to Tsuki's house to drop her and her groceries off. Then I drive back downtown to pick Amanda up from work, took the library books back to the library, and came home to cook dinner. The day was filled with a certain amount of embittered sass, a little bit of annoyed road rage, and emotional outbursts. The outbursts took place while I was trying to make dinner. All my anger and frustration exploded in the form of me yelling, slamming cabinets, throwing a package of spaghetti right into the trash only to have it burst and go everywhere. I was exhausted, hurting so much, and just wanted to scream. Oh and I have to rearrange the tupperware and bakeware cabinet because nothing would going in right so I slammed shit around in there. I also got pissed off at my dishwasher. Needless to say, I flipped my shit.

Part of the reason why I was flipping my shit is because I feel so selfish when I try to focus on me, when I want things for myself, and that shit with my Dad. Another reason was because I have gained weight again and I am trying so hard to be kind to myself. It is such a struggle because I have so many years of pent up rage, anger, and hate inside for my body. One of my friends wrote about hating herself and her body just recently and I understand what she is talking about- but from my perspective. I keep telling myself that it is okay to feel these things, to address them and look them in the face, so I can deal with them, but it is fucking hard. It is hard to say, I love myself when I can't push the car seat back any further, and my stomach touches the steering wheel. It is difficult to say I love myself when I am afraid to sleep because my period is so heavy that if I move wrong, or even cough, out gushes a ton of blood. It is hard to say I love myself when I'm having panic attacks about making phone calls to schedule appointments, going to store, and even taking a shower sometimes. It's hard to say I love myself when everything hurts from fibromyalgia. And it is hard to say I love myself when you are terrified that the one time you got drunk at a friend's house, you said something that probably offended a friend and you're already worried that said friend and well friends only tolerate you because you are engaged to Amanda. Yeah, I just said it. I think everyone likes Amanda more and just tolerates me because they want to hang out with her. I am only as good as what I can give or do for other people and beyond that, nothing. I don't make people happy, I can't make them laugh. I am certain most people think me clueless and stupid and don't take me seriously.

I hate my depression and anxiety so much. You have no idea how much it makes me angry. Sometimes, I want to tear my skin off or cut away pieces of myself.  Oh well, I keep telling myself that you have to get worse before you can get better and I am trying to get better. A friend of mine gave me affirmation stickers and one of them says something to the effect "Would you talk to your best friend they way you talk to yourself?" The answer is no, I really wouldn't. I love my friends and I don't want to hurt them or see them hurt by anything or anyone. So why is it okay for me allow the opposite for myself? And why does taking time, focusing on myself and trying to be kind to myself feel so selfish and wrong? Who the hell taught me that or let me believe that? 

Okay last thing and it is a happy one, per se. Amanda, after lots of whining, begging, and puppy-dog eyes, conned me in to doing a written role play with her. I am hesitant to do written role plays because they rarely get finished and I often neglect my own writing in favor of the RP. I do like writing with Amanda though. So last night we were talking about what we were going to write. I'm going to be an Elf, because that's what I was feeling and they are one of my favorite beings. Amanda is going to be a Dragon- also one of my favorite beings. However, I told her that I would only do this RP if she was at my complete and utter disposal for my own writing, that we only did one post a day, and that she has to write at least one page on her novel a week. I want her to finish the damned thing and if this is the only way to push her into it, then damn it, so be it! That said, I do have to come up with a first post today. Good thing it's still early in the day and I already have the roast cooking. 

Conversations with my Father, avocation from an unexpected source, positive affirmations

Yesterday several things happened that were out of the ordinary. Because I couldn't sleep the night before last, Amanda decided that we needed a breakfast date. After she showered, we both got a little dressed up, and went to Denny's. I took her to work, went to Wal-Mart, and then headed over to the library. While I knew it was Veteran's Day and knew the library would be closed, for some reason, I didn't make the connection until I was actually in the library parking lot. So, I sighed and came home to play with the new planner I bought. I will show it and the Day of the Dead skulls we made in the next post.

My therapist is amazing! She wanted to know how my doctor's appointment went because she had been encouraging me to go. Generally speaking I don't like going to the doctor and well we all know from my last post that this woman doesn't seem to actually want to do anything other than peddle her goods and say my weight is the cause of all my problems- which isn't entirely true. Anyway when my therapist heard all the details of my appointment, she was livid. She told me to call my pharmacy right then and there. My doctor had not called in my depression med prescription so she asked me to call my doctor. Well, my doctor only works 4 days a week and Friday is a half day. Since my call was after the doctor's office closed, I had to leave a message. Which only aggravated my therapist further. She took some notes and promised to advocate for me. She's said that I have ups and downs but this latest down has been really bad and she's been really worried about me. That I am out of depression medication is alarming to her, that I can't sleep very well, if at all some nights, is not good, and despite me telling her that I am going to find another doctor, my therapist isn't going to stand for how my doctor treated me. She said it was unacceptable. I was a little surprised. I haven't had a doctor or therapist actually give a shit, actually look at me like a person and treat me as a person not just my weight, in so long that I'd forgotten what it was like.

When I got home I called my Dad and talked to him for two and half hours. I haven't been on the phone for that length of time in years. We talked about many things, most of which I won't go into, that would take too long, but because both my parents are essentially two of my best friends, and I am so blessed for that, I revealed some heavy stuff. Identity crisis feels far too strong a term to describe my thoughts and feelings, but I do feel that I don't know who I am a lot of the time, that I often feel lost and floundering, struggling, and even fighting. I admitted that I have had some pretty devastating thoughts come up in terms of writing. I admitted to panic attack where all I can seem to think or say is "I'm not going to make it," over and over again. And there is so much that is interwoven that one things impacts another. I even admitted that I think I am just now beginning to address, to dig down to try and heal the parts of me that were so shocked, angry, and horribly hurt from back when I was in high school- back when my Grandma Julie died and that seemed to set off a string of deaths in the family, and worse, I saw how utterly disgusting and ugly some members of my family could get and from that point only how it only got worse. We talked about how some of my anger and even some of my rage has come out, I used to cut or beat myself (I want to so badly sometimes, but I won't because I promised my Mom that I wouldn't). My Dad gets it. He knows how debilitating this level, this kind of depression can be. He admitted to sitting on his bed for 45 minutes trying to make himself go brush his teeth one day. I have the same problem some days, I scream at myself just to move, to go take a shower, to clean the house, to do something, anything. It is hard. 

Dad said he was sorry that I ended up getting some of my mother's health problems and all of his depression problems. I said, "yeah and I managed to learn some OCD behaviors from mom too." Which he kind of laughed and told me about my mom's grocery bag obsession. She keeps and reuses them for the wastepaper baskets only she had a grocery bag hold stuffed to the brim and four grocery bags stuffed just as full. Dad said, shocking to him, she actually threw some away. 

Our conversation turned to happier things. Dad filled me in on what he's doing in Eve Online, we talked about how Amanda and I should go see Dr. Strange- that it is even better in IMAX 3-D, or so my Mom says. My Dad can't do 3-D movies because the glasses give him migraines. He got some work so he got my mom out of the house to see a movie. And we talked about how their go-to movie at home lately is Guardians of the Galaxy because my mom loves "rabid raccoon" a.k.a Rocket. I told him that I haven't seen a lot of newer movies or as many as I'd like or even bought any because it's not really Amanda's thing. I used to buy movies all the time and only ones that I knew I would watch over and over. Amanda doesn't really understand that. That's okay. It's not her thing, but it is mine and it makes me happy. Which brings me the fact that I've given up a lot of parts of myself to make others happy or make things easier or run smoother. It really is time to start taking that back and start putting my foot down. While that might cause some confrontation, it needs to happen so I can gain a bit of my self back and I stop doing what everyone else wants. I mean I am pretty flexible and easy going, that's just my nature, but I need to stop being so easy going that I lose out on what makes me happy. 

Also, while my blog is a venting ground, a place for me to decompress and express myself without giving a shit what anyone else thinks, I am choosing to share pieces of my struggles with the hope that anyone who reads this, that has similar feelings and thoughts, knows they aren't alone. There's someone out there that while our experiences are not the same, while I am not in your head, I can't hear your thought or feel your feelings, I do understand, from my perspective how much this this hurts, how debilitating it can get, how frightening, and how much you just want it to stop. Knowing you aren't alone can sometimes help. 

Speaking of happy and bringing in some healing and positivity, the book discussion group I am in did a chapter on meditation which also had section on affirmations. I'm not so great with affirmations so while I don't think some people were as keen on the idea of writing up and making some personal affirmations for homework as I am, I'm just going to do it for myself. This is something I feel I need to do for awhile. I found a couple of really pretty and or nice ones on the internet as a little inspiration and I will leave you with them.