Video Chats, weird anime, and feeling a little better.

Last night Amanda and I were both feeling pretty tired and just not up to doing anything. So I ordered pizza, she went and picked it up, and we decided to try out A Jin on Netflix. I fell asleep watching it in the last several episodes, not because it was boring, but because I just couldn't keep my eyes open any more. I remember Amanda fussing at me about falling asleep, but I told her to let me, that I would finish out the show later.  It is an intense show with lots of blood. The concept is interesting and I liked what I was awake for. I plan to finish it either tonight or tomorrow. 

This morning I watched a couple of episodes of Red Data Girl. I am almost finished with that series and really wish there was more of it. I know there are manga and that the manga and anime are based of the novels. Well, I can't get the novels in English- or at least it doesn't appear that I can. I've checked Amazon. Needless to say, I have really enjoyed watching it. For that matter I have enjoyed watching anime again period. I kind of stopped for fora couple of years, only watching a little here and there because Amanda either didn't like what I was watching (wasn't her thing) or didn't want to watch it because she can become easily sucked in and then spends more time watching it than doing other things, which I totally understand. However, I kind of let that take over and cheated myself out of one of few true joys in my life. I didn't realize just how much I love it until I was fan-girling over the anime I have while Chris and Fiona were here. I apologized because I realized they probably didn't give a shit, and Fiona said she was only allowing it because it was the first thing that she'd ever seen me so excited and truly happy about. 

Well anime isn't the only thing that I am excited, happy, and fan-girlish over. It's just that most of the stuff I could talk about most people either don't care or don't have a clue. For instance there are tons movies and books I could go on and on about. There are places I have been that I could go on about. But its kind of like the conversation my Grandma and I had about when people would ask me how I am doing when I was going to church ages ago. She said that people don't really want to know how you are doing and if you tell them anything tell them only the good things. Which I always through was strange because if I took/take the time to ask someone how they are doing, it is because I actually do want to know how they are doing. But that's just me.

Speaking of Grandma, I am going to have a video chat with her today. My parents are going over to help Grandma and Grandpa with any housework, gardening, and computer or electronic stuff she needs. She will cook something amazing (which I always miss), and then Dad will set up his computer and we will chat. I was able to have a video chat with my Mom on Mother's day which was nice. Dad gave me shit when I asked her what the hell happened to her hair. He said, "I'd almost convinced her that it doesn't look bad and that she doesn't look like Aunt Laura, thanks for ruining it." Okay her hair cut doesn't look good on her and apparently it was the fix of a really bad hair cut but no, she doesn't look like Aunt Laura, not totally... Well, I mean come on they are identical twins, they are going to look somewhat similar. But my Mom is prettier and looks younger. So there!

The good news for the day is that I am feeling a little bitter physically. I was really stiff this morning and am still stiff. However, my back doesn't hurt as badly and my neck feels a bit better. I sat in bed for a little bit this morning stretching it carefully and doing some neck exercises I've seen my Mom do with her physical therapy. Seems to be helping. I certainly don't have the headache. And I managed to get the dishwasher unloaded when I made myself breakfast this morning. Speaking of dishes, I need to load up the dishwasher and run it so I can make dinner before Amanda gets home. 

Talking with my favorite asshole A.K.A Dad

I called my Dad this morning to talk about some stuff going on. He was an asshole about it and I asked him why he sounded so angry to which he explained. Things which we thought were getting better for my parents aren't. He said if I wanted sympathy, maybe I should have called my Mom. But I didn't call my Mom because A) its getting harder for her to hear me over the phone and B) I think I wanted the no- non-sense asshole perspective my Dad gives so well. 

I can't really go into it too much at this time for very good reason. Amanda and I are okay, no worries there. It is another aspect of our lives that we and two of our good friends were making effort to fix instead of jumping ship. After last night's events, I went to bed with an extremely heavy heart, actually cried myself to sleep because I am so fucking conflicted over it, and woke up so upset that I didn't get out of bed for at least and hour. So I called my Dad. 

My Dad said he would have already jumped ship. He said that I need to be more selfish to which I replied that every single time I am, it blows up in my face. I told him I don't want to be an asshole, I like being a nice person. He said that me being nice is a good thing but basically, giving in to everyone else, people pleasing is only going to get everyone what they want me 20 years down the line with nothing to show for it, no books published, maybe a couple of degrees, and most likely on  unhappy.  He also said that he wished he could fly up here to shake me until I start doing what I want to do and stop letting people suck the life out of me. He wishes I would stop wasting my energy and talent and focus it on my writing. 

We talked a little bit about writing for awhile too. Mostly what's been bothering me, how I wish I could go back to being able to write carefree like I did in high school, where I just wrote without worrying about this or that. I told him that writing first drafts now are kind of painful but writing yesterday for school was both painful and kind of exciting too because some shit just came out. We also talked about other writers and what I want or where I want to go with my writing. 

Honestly, I think the best part of or the most helpful part of the conversation was when my Dad said he wished he could fly up here and shake me so I would stop letting people suck the life out of me and do shit for myself. I kind of wanted to cry because in my head I think I am just being dramatic when I think that people are draining me but when someone else says so, its validation that I'm not crazy or imagining it, or even that being selfish. 

Still not 100% sure what I am going to do about the situation or where I am going to go, but I'm going to talk to Amanda when she gets home because in a way it's not just up to me. The other aspects of my life, that are in my control, the stuff that I want to do, I am going to do more of those things.  

I have learned some things!!!

First, I would like to learn how to paint with water colors like this. I think it would be fun and it would certainly satisfy part of my love/need to paint. 

Second, if I can swing it, I am getting myself an Erhu when I graduate. It looks and sounds like this. 

I love the sound of this instrument. I'm not looking to preform anywhere, just learn how to play and play for myself. Ever since I had to pawn my trumpet for gas money several years ago and my piano keyboard decided to crap out on me, I've missed playing music. Amanda, thankfully has a cornet, violin, and mandolin but they are all back in Kansas in my parents basement. They aren't doing us much good there. We will get them, eventually. In the mean time, I will have this wonderful instrument to learn and explore, just for me. I also thought about a Cello but I have no idea where we would put it. 

Okay so on to what I have learned in the last couple of days. 

That park I went to is apparently a park for hookers and hooking up, or so I have been told. Okay, so maybe I will try for High Bridge park next time I have to go park and sit while waiting on Amanda. The great thing about living somewhere new is learning all the places to stay away from and all the cool stuff to check out. 

The next thing is that my wellness class is exactly what I thought it was going to be like. People with good intentions and with great ideas who want to make the world a better place and make things fair and wonderful for everyone. They talk about the ideals and wellness all around. These are great concepts and I am glad that someone is doing research into these things and trying to lay the ground work for the greater good. Seriously, I commend their efforts. However, I don't believe that someone can be 100% "well". At least not in everyone's opinion. There will always be something wrong with someone. I say that because they talk about health and how you might seem healthy but not know there is something wrong with you. If there are no symptoms how are you to know unless you go looking and poking. Which is fine. But the more you look, eventually you're probably going to find something. Then there is the whole imbalance part of it and how we need to work to becoming balanced and so on. Okay, that's fine too. But, bottom line, no matter what I think is healthy or what my ideals of wellness are, are never going to match up with someone else's.

We also looked at wellness models. I tend to gravitate toward the holistic, at least that's what seemed to resonate with me the most when reading about the models. It was neat. 

I came across an article called When Pain Hijacks Your Brain. Someone on the support fibromyalgia page on facebook posted it and I thought I would give it a shot. The author basically outlined what I've been dealing with for a really long time. I'm naturally observant anyway, so I tend to watch and listen to people. I also really think about conversations I've had or things I've read or seen or what have you, so I don't often reply right away to something. But then there is this on top of it. I've been in a serious conversation with people before and just fucking lose what I was talking about. Then I spend a minute or two rambling because I'm trying to back track to remember what the fuck I just lost. It's really Gods damned annoying! And I do worry about Alzheimer's because my Grandpa has it. But yeah, reading this was kind of exciting and I will have to remember it the next time I get frustrated so I don't automatically start shutting down because I think I sound like an idiot. Actually, this article came at the right time. Because I've seriously been going over stuff I've said in a conversation with some friends recently. I was so worried that I came off like an idiot because I know I rambled some. Amanda said I didn't and to chill. LOL. 

I've learned that self esteem issues are still a bitch even at 32. 

In other news, I am waiting to find out how much it is going to cost to get my medical records sent to me. I signed a release form at my old doctor's office. I want to see my records myself because I am not sure I buy what I was told about my ultrasound to look at my ovaries. Amanda's Aunt (who is strange but worked at a hospital) seems to think with the amount of pain I am in just from my period that I have to have some cysts. She thinks because at the time, I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for anything more, that my doctor didn't tell me the whole truth. Well, I really liked that doctor and hope she was honest. I will find out for sure when I get my records. 

I have also managed to do something to my back again. I am not sure when or what exactly, but I have a pinchy, burning, stabbing pain in my lower back again, on top of the dull incessant ache, and I can feel it tightening. This does not make me happy. This is not good. I took some tylenol and decided to just decided to work on the laundry today. We are so backed up and behind from when we were sick. Actually the whole house is getting cleaned this weekend. YAY!!! No really, I will feel much better when everything is put away and I can clean everything to my standards.