The lists, the cats, a tattoo idea, and eclipse.

My Dad used to tell me to "expect the worst and hope for the best". He also used to tell me that "this is as good as it gets, so you got to suck it up and get on with your life". My Dad struggles with depression and anxiety and I doubt it was easy for him to see his daughter going through the same and reporting that it hurt to wear her clothes and that even her hair hurt. We didn't know about fibromyalgia back when I was in high school and it wasn't until my Senior year that I was diagnosed with depression. Dad was working 40-80 hr work weeks, on call, and was worrying over my Mom. It was the sagest advice he could muster. 

Sadly, its all true, except for when I can't get on with my life. The world keeps moving when I fall down and then I'm stuck playing catch up when I can get back on my feet. I hate it. Lately, despite the happy fact that I am getting married, that the drama over whether or not my parents would come is thankfully over, I've hit a wall. The world keeps moving, like it always does, and I'm caught behind a glass wall watching.  I realized sometime last week, as I looked at the state of my house, that I need help pure and simple. Amanda is working overtime, I'm exhausted, hurting, or just don't have the spoons to rev my 'get up and go' engine. I hate that I can't vacuum the living room without hurting myself. I hate that I can't effectively advocate for myself at the doctors office. I hate that I can't be functional enough to go out, get even a part time job so I can help Amanda with the bills and so we have more options in regards to buying a house.  Most of all, I hate how much its eating me up inside, the panic attacks on the bedroom floor, and so on. 

But, the other day, when I was taking an hour- if I am honest it was two- for self care and perusing pinterest, I came across a quote from Jane Austin: I am half agony, half hope. I thought, that's me in a nut shell. I agonize over what I can't do anymore, what I'm not anymore, and hope that I can turn it all around and have better days. I decided that I am getting it tattooed on me somewhere, in the near future with the the semicolon below it, because that too is me. 

On to happier things.

I have a lot to do today. 

1. I have a few errands to run.

2. I need compile the final list of wedding invitations and get them ready to send out. Amanda wants to add a couple more people from work. 

3. I need to take stupid paper work to the apartment management office (the bastards).

4. And I need to clean up my kitchen so I can make dinner tonight.

5. I also need at least a half hour nap because I feel like shit and want to have a tiny energy boost before I head out. 

6. I also need to place an order on amazon for a special sewing ruler.

I took Amanda to work this morning and the two places two places I need to go still aren't open yet. 

This week's list is:

1. Compile a list of what is left to get for the wedding.

2. Clean the bathroom

3. Find a coat hook thing for the wall (I want something specific) and possibly a bench we can sit on to put on shoes and store shoes under that I can actually reach under.

4. Keep editing stories.

5. Keep the cats from breaking any more dishes. 

Speaking of my adorable balls of fur, both of them have been so sweet and cuddly the last couple of days. Narcisa has been playing more, wanting more attention, and has generally been in a better mood. Thorin has always been an attention seeker but lately he's been talking a lot more. Mostly he wants more food in his bowl- despite the fact that he nearly always has some still in it, but sometimes he's just talking to get my attention as if to say "I'm awake now and I'm coming to find you for love and cuddles". This morning I awoke to one of his favorite toys on my pillow. While I was trying to wake Amanda for work, he was playing on my Vanity and discovered the press lights I'd purchased to put around my mirror so I'd have more light for make up. As you can imagine I was a little spooked when I heard a strange clicking noise, saw flashing lights, and me not being completely awake, had a scary notion of ailen abduction for the briefest moment- at least until I realized what was what. 

Thorin is also getting quite resourceful. He still doesn't cover his poop with cat litter yet he knows he needs to cover it. So he has taken to pulling down clean towels or laundry left on the floor, into the cat box. Neither he nor Narcisa soil it, which is a blessing, but still eww. On top of that, he's decided to start pulling tissue or the wrappers from pads from the trash can to cover his ick. I can't really get too upset over it, he is trying, just not the right way. 

Lastly, I hope those who could see the eclipse, got to see it. We were supposed to go over to a friends house to spend the night and see it, but Amanda's Aunt Nancy died this weekend. So, we nixed those plans, because Amanda had to work the day of the eclipse too and we were both too tired to drive that far. Well, Sunday a friend here in town invited me over to watch it with them, and well, I thought okay, it's not that far, and I could go home when I needed too. 

It was a nice quiet, viewing affair. I was so tired that I didn't have my usual nerdy gusto for things space related, plus prior to the eclipse the sun was bright and brutal on my eyes, lol. But I still enjoyed it. I am sad to say that once we were inside the house, I crashed hard on my friend's sofa. I woke up for a little bit and then crashed out again. Apparently, they tried to wake me to see if I would take one of them to the store and found the not-awake-conversation with me hilarious. I don't remember the conversation. Anyway, because it was also a new moon that night, one of our friends wanted to do a fertility ritual. She's trying to have a baby. Amanda and I helped with the spell and headed home because we were both exhausted. However, I did make a spell candle, funnel some intent and energy into it, and have been lighting it off and on for them to help. No, I don't think it is overkill. I think anything and everything that can help will help.

To Hunt a Killer, Post Op Appointment, Down Moments, No Pressure

Today I had my post operation appointment. It's not quite been a month since my surgery but just about and I was a tad worried when I saw the evil-but-necessary pelvic exam equipment sitting out on the counter. I had read on the Hystersister's site that doctors usually do that exam at 6 weeks. You know because the lovely post-op paper of what you can and can't do in certain amounts of time says no sex until 6-8 weeks have passed. But nope, my doctor wanted to make sure everything was healing properly. I am healing well but I am very sore from her exam despite how gentle she was. Tylenol is putting a dent in it though. 

The good news is, I don't ever have to have another exam like that again, unless I have pain for some reason, and I don't have to take hormones. My doctor also gave me the official pathology report. I had lots of cysts but everything was benign. So I am good to go and can start tackling other issues like my back, my weight, the firbromyalgia, and depression and anxiety.  

Moving on. My friend Chris took me to my appointment this morning and after we came back to my house for lunch, to watch a movie (which we both fell asleep during) and to look at a monthly subscription box she'd ordered: Hunt a killer. The first box introduces you to you "pen pal/friend" and you are supposed to discover the mystery behind this person and what they may or may not have done. We spread it out on my kitchen table and read everything, looked at the clues sent to us, and then I started by making lists of things like keywords, how many times the 'penpal' said certain things, references that were made and so on. We came up with a couple of theories and then put stuff away. We have a couple of things we want to research later. The next box is supposed to build on the first and so on and so forth. It is really neat. 

I have been having some really heavy, intense bursts of depression lately. I will be discussing it with my therapist this weekend, of course. Some of the things I have been struggling with are really personal and on top of that there has been an underlying tension in the house along with an overwhelming sense of guilt that is starting to suffocate me and piss me off. I need to address these things so I can move on.

I talked to my Dad tonight. He had to travel for some of his work and stopped at all the roadside landmarks when he had five hours to kill. He learned quite a bit about Liberal and Ashland, Kansas, and imparted that information on to me. I, of course, went to go look at pictures of these places so I could see what he'd seen. It was fun. 

For some reason my Grandpa seems to be thinking about me an awful lot lately. He wants to see me publish something before he dies. Since he is 88 years old and has Alzheimer's, I guess I had better get to work. He apparently wanted to know what had happened, that I had such potential, and I am going to fucking cry because while I've always known that my Grandpa loves me and misses me, I didn't realize that he'd ever paid that much attention to anything I was doing. I mean he took me fishing and showed me how to do some things, took me to museums and traveling and taught me how to do some gardening, ect... But, I was kind of more my Grandma's helper. Grandma wanted to teach me house wife stuff and sewing, piano, and so on. 

Anyway, no pressure right? Because we wouldn't want to, you know, add a sense of time running out to someone has horrible anxiety and already has that sense to begin with plus very high expectations of herself. It's fine. No, I probably won't have anything published by the time he forgets that he said that or me or he passes, but it's a nice goal to work toward.

Songs from my childhood, cars, Grandpa's endorsement

Big Head Todd and the Monsters

Because its almost 4 am and I had annoying song stuck in my head, I am listening to songs from my childhood, and I thought I would share. This is one of my Dad's favorites. We were actually talking about going for drives and playing name that tune and listening to music in the car when I was a kid. My Dad said that most people talking about how they peaked in high school or college but he thinks he had the most fun in the 90s with me while taking drives and listening to music in the car. I really miss that too. 

Cowboy Junkies: Sweet Jane

So I don't know the fuck is going on with all the cars this year. My car broke several months ago. Then we had to replace all the tires on Amanda's car. Chris's car died. Amanda popped one of the new a tires. A&B, a set of friends of ours, their car died at Costco. And we just got a call about an hour ago that Birdy's car died at Wal-mart. So we went to get our friend Tsuki and her groceries home and try to jump Birdy's car. Dram, who took Tsuki to the store, was on his way home when I called him from Tsuki's house, so at least there is that. But this is nuts! Amanda and I are of the opinion that the squeaky belt on her car need to be fixed A.S.A.P before the only working car of our local friends is toast. 

Edi Brickell & New Bohemians: What I am

I also spoke with my Grandparents today. My Grandpa was having a good day, he remembered that they went to the Neil Reunion (where he went to high school) last weekend as well as who I was. He asked me what I was up to and I told him that I have been looking at possible Grad Schools. So of course he wanted to know what I was going to Grad school for. I told him Creative Writing. He said I would do well because I am a Richardson and all the Richardsons write well. Then he told me about all the Richardsons in the family- people I have never heard him talk about- who all write. Which is cool, I just wish I knew who some of these people are. But it's nice to have his endorsement, even though he's only read and torn apart a couple of my school reports. I don't often share my writing with my Grandparents because I know Grandma wouldn't like it. LOL. She apparently didn't like her mother talking about Brownies hiding things in her house, I don't think she would like all the magic and well, some of the themes that show up in my stories. 

Aside from that, we didn't make it to fight practice after all. Amanda was tired and things got weird at her job. She will be working 11 days straight staring Monday. Someone quit and fouled up everything. But then she will work Sunday- Thursday! She will also get some overtime which means maybe we can fix both cars!

And lastly, one of my theme songs. I actually "borrowed" this CD from my Dad. 

 

Garbage: Only Happy When it Rains

I just found a 90's play list on youtube, I may not be going back to sleep for a little bit. That's okay, Narcisa is happy we are awake, she wants to play. 

Talking with my favorite asshole A.K.A Dad

I called my Dad this morning to talk about some stuff going on. He was an asshole about it and I asked him why he sounded so angry to which he explained. Things which we thought were getting better for my parents aren't. He said if I wanted sympathy, maybe I should have called my Mom. But I didn't call my Mom because A) its getting harder for her to hear me over the phone and B) I think I wanted the no- non-sense asshole perspective my Dad gives so well. 

I can't really go into it too much at this time for very good reason. Amanda and I are okay, no worries there. It is another aspect of our lives that we and two of our good friends were making effort to fix instead of jumping ship. After last night's events, I went to bed with an extremely heavy heart, actually cried myself to sleep because I am so fucking conflicted over it, and woke up so upset that I didn't get out of bed for at least and hour. So I called my Dad. 

My Dad said he would have already jumped ship. He said that I need to be more selfish to which I replied that every single time I am, it blows up in my face. I told him I don't want to be an asshole, I like being a nice person. He said that me being nice is a good thing but basically, giving in to everyone else, people pleasing is only going to get everyone what they want me 20 years down the line with nothing to show for it, no books published, maybe a couple of degrees, and most likely on  unhappy.  He also said that he wished he could fly up here to shake me until I start doing what I want to do and stop letting people suck the life out of me. He wishes I would stop wasting my energy and talent and focus it on my writing. 

We talked a little bit about writing for awhile too. Mostly what's been bothering me, how I wish I could go back to being able to write carefree like I did in high school, where I just wrote without worrying about this or that. I told him that writing first drafts now are kind of painful but writing yesterday for school was both painful and kind of exciting too because some shit just came out. We also talked about other writers and what I want or where I want to go with my writing. 

Honestly, I think the best part of or the most helpful part of the conversation was when my Dad said he wished he could fly up here and shake me so I would stop letting people suck the life out of me and do shit for myself. I kind of wanted to cry because in my head I think I am just being dramatic when I think that people are draining me but when someone else says so, its validation that I'm not crazy or imagining it, or even that being selfish. 

Still not 100% sure what I am going to do about the situation or where I am going to go, but I'm going to talk to Amanda when she gets home because in a way it's not just up to me. The other aspects of my life, that are in my control, the stuff that I want to do, I am going to do more of those things.  

Pickles, Sprite, Talking to Dad, People's Park, and the New Term.

I can't remember who did this illustration, I am sure it came from deviant art... or not, I don't know. I just need something pretty and happy after the weird-ass day I've had. Yes, it's 2:30 am. Yes, I should be in bed. No, I can't sleep. Yes, I wish I could because my damn eyes are bothering me- it is time for new glasses. But since I can't and don't just want to sit and veg out in front of the TV (although the Poldark reboot marathon I had recently was really nice), I am trying to do something constructive. Yes, it should probably be homework, but I'll get to that in a few. For now, I am sipping a can of Sprite and eating a pickle, because why not?

Today was nuts! I do mean nuts! Amanda had a meeting at work (on her day off of course) and then later she was supposed to donate blood. Why she didn't, I'll get into later. Anyway, the plan was to take her to work, then find some place down town to have lunch and maybe go ride the Looff Carousel since we still have tokens. So I got up, took her to work, and to keep from paying for parking while I sat in the car, I drive over to People's park just passed Brown's Addition. I've gone there before to sit while waiting for Amanda, so no big deal right? Uh, no. Today wacky, scary, and crazy were out. 

First, I pull in and get comfortable, crack the window, and happily watched the birds and the river pass. Shortly this car pulls up near my car and as always, I happen to look over to see this mostly attractive guy smiling at me. Like really smiling... and starting. So I smile back and pick up the book I brought to read and I can feel this guys eyes still on me. Sure enough, when I look over he's just sitting there watching me. So I decided that I would put the book down and call my Dad. As soon as my Dad answers, the guy gets out of his car. So I lock my doors just to be safe, knowing that Amanda will have to get me out because her stupid door is still broken. I asked my Dad if he had time to be on the phone with while a weird person stares at me. He said he did, so we start up on of many conversations. The weird guy actually walks in front of my car, looking in like he's looking for something or waiting for me to get out and when I don't he walks up this path a little bit, stops, stands there, looks back at me, and then goes back to his car and leave. I have no idea what he was there for or what he thought I was there for, but that's just strange.

So my Dad and I are still talking about 45 mins later, about the new Star Wars movie that I still haven't seen and his thoughts on it when another strange person appears. I'm not really a person who judges other people based on what they look like. I generally try give people two interactions before deciding whether or not I want to get to know them more or not, and I'm certainly not one of those "Oh he/she is black/Hispanic/whatever so they are up to something or no good" kind of people. You simply can't judge people by looks or color or race. However, this new guy really just put me off. He was middle eastern looking, no big deal, dressed really nice, looked to be mid 20s. He was carrying what looked to be a wadded up jacket. So despite my instincts saying, "um, he seems kind of odd", I pretty much just focused on the conversation I was having with my Dad. Except I see this guy walk to the bridge, get on it, stop in the middle and stand there. I wouldn't have thought anything of it because I had thought of getting out to do the same earlier, until the guy dropped the wadded up jacket into the river. That got my attention. I watched him walk back to his car, and drive away and told my Dad. It didn't look like he had anything big enough to be say a baby or even kittens or puppies, so I am hoping it was just drugs or something like that. Needless to say I was kind of freaked and really stayed in my car. Thankfully, though, Amanda called shortly after and I had to hang up with Dad and go get her.

Really quick, I mentioned Grad school to my Dad and I told him that I knew he and Mom wouldn't approve, but I am still seriously considering it. He said he didn't care if I went to grad school, but he thinks I should take some time off between graduation and going on to Grad school to just write and really set up a routine. He said it was because I am enough like him that I can think of 97 million reasons why I need to be doing something else. It's true.

Also, my very OCD mother is driving him bonkers. He was telling me about what's going on at home and he said he wasn't trying to dump on me, he was just trying to explain what's going on and see if I had any ideas of how to handle my Mom. LOL. My poor Dad. One my Mom is very OCD, two she suffers from chronic pain and has for as long as I can remember in one form or another, and three, she's stubborn as hell. So she's miserable, her knees are have gotten bad, and she wants to exercise to get the weight off because she's gained some because her thyroid is apparently off and so on and can't do too much because of some other issues. So she gets a sharp pain and jumps which aggrivates something else and she fusses. But that's not an issue, the issue is she's in the house all day, every day. My parents are broke most of the time so they can't go to the movies like she likes, and she doesn't really like going to the park because she's a hermit and so on so she's sitting at home and everything that's wrong is cycling in her head and she's a little bored so she's pestering my Dad about this or that and generally bitchy because of the pain. I know what my Dad's frustrated with because I had to deal with it for several years before I moved away from home. It's obnoxious, it draining sometimes, and sometimes you just want to tell her to shut up and go away but you can't because her feelings get hurt. Sigh. My Mom needs a friend. Or they need to move up here because I will drag her ass out of the house whether or not she feels up to it. I'd do the same to my Dad too. Basically she needs something else to obsess over, something positive. 

Okay so the rest of the day.

Amanda and I went to Tandy Leather to check out the store and see if we'd run into a friend who works there. Our friend wasn't there but we got some really good information on a project we are thinking about taking on.
We went to Long John Silver's for lunch because very rarely eat there and was having a horrible craving for their chicken and hush puppies (a deep fried cornmeal type of thing). Amanda's only eaten there once and didn't remember it but when she tried some of my chicken she was really loving it and I told her that was why I pretty much only go there once a year. I think everything on the menu is deep fried yummy goodness. However, there is another reason why I on'y go there about once a year and that is because it gives my stomach issues at night when I want to be sleeping. I just can't do a lot of grease any more. 

After we ate, we ran over to Lane Bryant so Amanda could use her members reward. She fond a dress on clearance, yay! It looks awful on the hanger, like old granny lady looking but on her it looks super cute! She decided after that, that she didn't want to donate blood at work, she just didn't feel up to it, so we went on to Post Falls where we would visit her parents and my friend Felicia and the kids. Only to find out when we arrived and the landlord was changing her parent's lock, that her mother's purse had been stolen at Good Will in Coeur d'Alene earlier that day. On top of that the employees were less than helpful in helping her look for and were apparently kind of rude. Amanda's Mom said whoever did it, had to do it quick and had to have been watching her, because she set her purse down in her cart, turned around to look at something and when she turned back her purse was gone. It really sucked. She was out doing a little shopping and paying bills and there went 200 in cash, her cell phone, some cards. It's bad. Amanda's Mom basically came home, ate some dinner, and went to bed. I can't blame her.

On a good note, I had a really nice visit with Felicia. I miss her so much. We only had a short visit, and the boys and the dog were all over me, but it was still nice. Well the boys were interested in me until Felicia sent them to play in their room so we could actually talk but that didn't last too long because they started bickering and fighting.

Lastly the new term. Its only week one, but I think I like it. The Wellness class is meh and so far, from what I have done of this week's homework going to annoy me with the whole "smoking is bad and being fat is bad" yeah yeah yeah, blow it out your ass. No, I'm not smoking, but I really really want to. My neighbors congregate in the stairwell and it comes in my house via the draft at the front door. So that certainly doesn't help. Anyway, that aside, the other class, the Advanced Creative Writing class, looks really obnoxiously challenging in a good way.  Obnoxious in that I can already see myself growing over the more difficult aspects of the class, like grammar and spelling, challenging in that I get to write more than 10 pages this time, and also, challenging in that I now have to sit down and try to figure out what the hell I want to write about. I'm thinking paranormal or Scifi/fantasy, definitely romance, and I don't know what else. Its going to be word vomit to start that's for sure, but in the end it will be a publishable piece, which is amazing!

Daddies cry too, a possibly very sick kitty, and a burning sensation that won't quit.

I am a total Daddy's girl. He's my go to guy for nearly anything I am unsure of or want more information on. He's smart, funny, and fun to be around, gives the best hugs, and sometimes he's a complete ass. But he's human with human emotions. When I was a little girl I only saw my Dad cry once and that was because he and my Mom were having a really bad fight. They rarely fight, so if and when they do, it's usually over something big. The next time I would see him cry was a my Great Grandma Ireland's funeral.

As I've grown up, I've seen my Dad cry at funerals of dearly departed loved ones and surprisingly enough, a couple of times while watching movies. Dad cried when we watched Harry Potter, when Haggrid came back at the end of the film after being sent away from Hogwarts. And, he was man enough to admit it when I asked if he was getting teary-eyed.

Tonight, my Dad cried for a reason that isn't within the norm of what I have known him to cry over. Every once in awhile things get to be too much and people need release. People get sad and need to cry. My Dad has a lot of reasons to be depressed, angry, and frustrated over. Grandpa, his father, has Alzheimer's and we don't think Grandpa will be sharp for much longer. His mind is going pretty quickly. Dad is scared to lose his father and he's scared that he too might be facing the same mental future. I'm scared for him too, more so for him than for myself because I will do everything I can to take care of him no matter what condition he's in.

Dad is also very worried and furious about his job situation. He used to work in adult residential corrections and he was great at it. Seriously, his old employees walked up to him recently and told him that they missed him and the center where he worked is falling apart now that he's not there to keep it running properly.  Once, sometime ago, someone even called him a 'residential beast', he was that good at his job.

Anyway, since they eliminated his position in adult residential due to budget cuts, he was lucky enough to be offered a job in Juvenile corrections doing about the same thing, with the same pay and benefits. He took it because he's too young to retire, he actually likes what he does, and he and Mom need the county benefits and medical insurance.

Things have not been going well since his transfer. Apparently he has some very petty co-workers who don't like to be corrected, have their flaws pointed out, or be upstaged by someone who actually does their job and does it well if not better than they do. It's not that my Dad is trying to be some show off or create confrontation and tension, he's just trying to do his job right, the way it's supposed to be done, and get on about his business. Sometimes that means that he has to step on a few toes. It doesn't mean he likes doing it. He'd rather get along with everything.

But his personnel review came up and several of those co-workers pitched a fit about him, complained, and made trouble. So now Dad is on probation and when they decide to downsize, he will be one of the first to lose his job. And with the way the economy is now and the cost of medical appointments and medicine, he and Mom will be quite literally fucked.

On top of all of it, Dad suffers from severe depression. It doesn't help that I am moving away for who knows how long or that out of the group of four friends he hung out with in school, there are only two of them left, him being one of them. And he's tired and gets horrible migraines and I think tonight everything just hit him the wrong way.I hate hearing either of my parents cry, but when Dad cries and there isn't anything I can do to help, it makes me feel awful.

On to matters of a possibly sick kitty. My mom's cat Felan Phoebe ( pronounced~ Fee lawn) or Fifi as we like to call her, has become very thin. She used to be so fat, nigh obese for a small cat, in fact she looked like she'd swallowed a barrel. At first I thought that she was losing so much weight because my cat Galen has become a bully and chases her and my other cat, Yoda, away from the food dish. I've been getting after Galen for being such an ass and he seems to have toned that behavior down.

But Felan is still getting thin. She's so skinny I can easily feel her bones and she's lighter than my cousin's 9 month old kitten. And now she's taken to peeing on clothing in the basement. I thought maybe she was peeing on the clothes because of Galen. Then I thought it was because she was sick, but I've watched her and she's doing it on purpose so I'm beginning to wonder if its a combination of both.

As far as my back is concerned, it's still not much better. I think I've mentioned a burning sensation and today it's been really bad. I had my own bit of crying from it earlier today and my Mom wanted to give me some of her medicine. Since this isn't seeming to get better, I'm going to have to look for other things I can do to help myself. Medicine and exercises, even the home exercises for spinal decompression just don't seem to be enough. Or maybe I'm doing them wrong. I'll have to check and see.