Busy, first time in a long time, and friend and family problems.

There were so many pine needles! I raked the crap out of them for spring clean up... and then deeply regretted it that evening and for the next few days. Amanda helped, but she did most of the stone laying and some of the mulch work. Her mom did some too. 

After an unintended hiatus, I think I am back, at least for the foreseeable future. Today is the first day in over a month that I have actually opened my laptop and did anything on it. I've had it in my bedroom, the living room, and in the office with the intent of getting online to read blogs, check e-mail, and look up supplies for home improvement and decoration projects. Only I never did and for a number of reasons. 

The chief reason was that we were intermittently busy. On weekends we had shopping days, food prep hours, and had some company. We also had a couple of events. During the week, when I felt up to it, I was cleaning and watching anime and or TV shows on Hulu. 

The second reason was that my depression monster had been raging almost with a vengeance. With the drop in pain management from the one medication made the pain from flare ups higher and more intense, and more debilitating, which in turn made things harder emotionally and mentally. To top it off my Mom threw some stuff at me one day that was upsetting and then a couple of days later, before I'd had a chance to really explain my concerns and feelings about it to her, she called for a third time to let me know that her identical twin, my Aunt Laura, was in the hospital with renal failure. She wanted to let me know that if it came to it, that she would donate a kidney to her sister and wanted to know my opinion on the matter. As much as I don't like this Aunt most of the time, I don't want her to die. Further, I told my Mom that it doesn't matter what my opinion on her donating is, its her body and her sister, and I would never tell her what she could/should or couldn't/shouldn't do. That is her decision. Well, after getting off the phone with her and then processing everything, I got a little pissed and very worried. And then with those two matters plus the pain, some other things, and already raging depression, I fell into a horrible downward spiral. Things were so bad that Amanda literally said "you're drowning in this and I don't know what to do". 

But then, they got even worse. I had a horrible day one day, called Amanda at work, broke down and took a whole nerve pill at her insistence. I have been avoiding taking that med because I know it is addictive and I don't want it to become a crutch. I wanted to learn to work through and deal with stuff on my own. She also wanted to me to call a friend and see if someone could come over or if I could ask her parents to come up and sit with me. That's so much easier said than done. I have such a hard time asking for help. It takes so much to for me to tell people certain things. Surface stuff is easy. Occasionally I vent here and sometimes I vent a little to friends, but I know that people have their own problems and while I know my friends might want to help, I feel so guilty about adding to their stress. Even when I am internally screaming and hurting while giving a friend a hug, the guilt is so stifling, I just say, I'm fine or okay.

  Anyway, the medicine evened me out. For a few hours but then by the time we'd returned home from out D&D game, I was exhausted and the medicine had worn off and I was quite frankly just done. I told Amanda I was tried of fighting the fibro, the depression, the low back pain, my weight, my family, sometimes my friends, and just everything. She wanted to know if she should take me to the hospital and I told her I didn't know. Instead, she cuddled me and helped me get ready for bed. 

A day or so later, I can't really remember, we went to a friend's. I wasn't feeling that great, but I was trying and had decided to leave all my upsets at home and try to enjoy the day. Things were going well and then a friend asked me a couple of hours in, how I was doing. The moment I opened my mouth to reply said friend turned their head away and began talking to someone else. Amanda was just as surprised and almost as upset as I was and she took my hand. I think if she hadn't been there and we hadn't car pooled, I would have left. That is the very thing that reinforces and cements the core belief that I'm not worth anything and don't matter. Somehow, I shoved all that down and made it through the rest of the night. But it is still bothering me. A lot of things are. 

However, I have since seen my therapist. She gave me a back up person in her office to call if I can't get a hold of her and we talked about some other things. Its a work in progress.  I also called and spoke to my Dad for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things and after I felt loads better. He also was a bit frustrated with my Mom and assured me that no doctor would consent to my mom donating a kidney with her health the way it is (which I figured and others thought also) but that Aunt Laura isn't even eligible because she has M.S. So while that's upsetting in and of itself, the somewhat selfish silver lining is that I won't have the possibility of losing my Mom due to this instance. 

On to cooler stuff!

Meet Yukiko, our Japanese Snowblossom tree. We've been working on our front and back yards as well as the inside of the house. I will share the inside of the house when it is more cohesive, we're almost there but not quite. So back to the front and back yards. 

This is our strawberry patch. Amanda built the raised garden bed herself and planted the marigolds n the corners. She has since added a pot in the middle with a lily. She's also going to build one or two more of the raised bed for our veggies and I am going to take one of the house doors we found in the garage and make an herb wall. 

This is the majority view of the back yard. I'm not sure what we're doing with the large metal beds, that part of the yard doesn't get sun. So shady place flowers until I can make my meditation spot? Along the fence we're planting some flowers and some vegetables. The gravel part will be raked clean, weeds killed, and will eventually have flagstone or concrete pavers laid to make a patio. 

This is the other part of the back yard. You can't see the drive way and raised garden bed, they were behind me. What you can see is the garage and the small gated section behind it. We are thinking about clearing out that area behind the garage for pumpkins. We don't know if the small deck was supposed to become part of a larger project, but we might break that apart to and use the wood to build something else. I've decorated the side of the garage with wind chimes, and couple of bird feeders, and some yard decor from the Dollar Tree and what we had left over from our apartment. 

Amanda bought me this fairy solar light and I picked up the Peter Rabbit watering can from a Thrift store. I planted some daisy seeds in it. I have a couple of other pots I've planted some pansies in, but I need to get more pots or take some more of the yard for flowers. 

Lastly, I leave you with the kitties. Miss Narcisa took over my spot in the bed one night and presided over it like the head of the Black Cat Yakuza she is.

And here is Thorin, lazing atop the cat tree in the sunlight, leaning against the window frame. This is also a tiny teaser for my living room. Amanda calls my design scheme for the room "elegant nightmare". I just hope the end result lives up to it. So far there's a little elegance and a few somewhat creepy yet beautiful pictures. 

Coming soon... Craft projects.

Lackluster bride, flurry of crafting is upon us, stupid vacuum.

I am going to have to print this picture out as a reminder to myself. 

Our vacuum broke and it is not an easy fix nor is this a good time for it to do so. My friend Rachel and I have both been sewing, she for her bride's maid dress (for another wedding) and me for my bolero. We have bits of thread and fibers from our respective fabrics littering the floor. This wouldn't normally be an issue- at least until the sewing is done- except that I have a certain black cat (Narcisa) who had pica. I have to keep half an eye on her and make sure she doesn't eat anything threads that escape the kitchen table. Last night I had to wrestle my hair brush from her because she was laying on it, rubbing her face on it, which was adorable, until she started eating the few strand of hair between the bristles. She is so bizarre.

The wedding is kind of driving me batty but it is slowly beginning to come together. This morning I finally felt a little brush of confidence in all our efforts. I had a vision of what I wanted and have constantly adapted it to suit what we could afford, and what is practical- in the sense of what I am up for. I haven't exactly been the excited, fluttery bride nor have I been a bridezilla. I've been the "okay, whatever" exhausted, sometimes crying, sometimes approaching everything with lackluster enthusiasm. You'd think, hey I'm getting married, let's do all the things and party. Nope, not me. 

I know I have been overwhelmed by it all. Amanda and I had differing ideas, that was fine. I think we've come up with many compromises and have managed to work each other's ideas together fairly well. She is doing an amazing job writing up the wedding ritual and script (because we are pagan). I haven't really had the wherewithal to do that. I've needed to come at it from a different approach, more hands on, but I've had some trouble there as well. Between fibromalgia flareups, having really bad depression days, nightmares, panic attacks so bad Amanda threatened to take me to the hospital, working the plane ticket fares off with Rachel (so my parents could be here for the wedding), and just trying to generally figure out what the fuck I am doing, it's been really weird. 

I have to remind myself that I had a major surgery seven months ago. My body is probably still adjusting. It most certainly has changed physically, which is something I am still struggling with. The way it's changed almost feels like another betrayal and when I feel betrayed, I immediately want to punish the offender. I don't, but I can't help feeling that way. There is also yet another overwhelming and quietly- yet at times screamingly suffocating sense of loss. It is exhausting. 

While there are other things I have to remind myself of as well and I don't know where I am going or what the hell I am doing a good deal of the time. I know the things I want, but keeping myself going has been a kind of struggle. I keep telling myself to get back up, take another step, and keep moving forward. But to where? To what? What can I do like this? 

Yuck. 

Despite all of this, I am gaining more enthusiasm for the wedding on the whole. I have more sewing to do on my bolero. I am planning on finishing up the jars Rachel decided we needed for decor. She has this vision of luminaries along the path. That's cool, but they need to be finished. I'm thinking about scrapping the wine bottle luminaries because they will overtake the beautiful decorations a friend made. We need something smaller to complement them and I think I know what I want. So, I'll be crafting a lot in the next couple of days and maybe, when all the crafting, is finished, my house will get clean the way I really need it to be cleaned. It is a cluttered mess at the moment and I need to borrow a vacuum and mop the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom floors.  

And I need to write my vows. 

        

Well done good Sir, up all night, looking at houses

Thorin Oakenshield being fancy.

I had plenty of cat company last night while I cleaned the sink/vanity part of the bathroom last night. Naricisa held down various towels for me, stared at me, judged me, that sort of thing. Thorin mostly played in the bathtub of the other half of the bathroom. He likes to chase his tail and bite the shower curtain liner, rip the magnets out of said curtain liner, and play with any bit of trash that happens to fall on the floor. Of course when I had the vanity counter cleaned and everything out back to where it needed to go, both cats wanted to be on it. So, I grabbed one of my vampire fang hair bows, and decided to see if the cats would let me put it on them. Narcisa mostly wanted to eat it and she hardly deigns taking photos, but Thorin actually let me put the bow on and get a couple of pictures. This one was a bit blurry, but the best one overall. He looks so adorable!  

So yeah, I got one little bit of my house cleaned up last night. I am hoping to get the kitchen cleaned up this afternoon and maybe work on the living room while watching something. Of course now that I have said that, I will probably do the opposite... here is the hoping that now that I have said I will probably do the opposite that I will actually get something accomplished. If you made sense of that, you get 100 cool points because I don't even know if I made sense of it. 

I've been up all night. I think the energy of the full moon is playing a role in that. Amanda dropped her soda the night before last and then the laundry detergent fell off our dryer (we have a stacking washer and dryer, the washer was going and doing it's wiggle shake thing and boom! Detergent everywhere). She was convinced that we had bad juju in the house. It is possible. I mean, I've been uber depressed or apathetic lately and she's not been much better. That shit collects. 

Amanda and I have been looking at houses. Our state has a first time home buyer's program that we are looking into. We're going to their class this weekend. I don't know how it will go or if this is even something we can or will want to do, but we need something different, a sense or permanency. So we've been poking about some online house listings. 

I actually think I am starting to get tired. I'm going to latch on to that. 

House work, follow the music, dark skies, and Absolutely Fabulous, Into the Badlands, and Preacher

We've been watching T.V. a little more than we usually do lately. I haven't felt up to going out and doing too much and sometimes, I just want to sit and be pulled into something fun to forget the crap I'm dealing with. So with that said, I thought I would mention a couple of the things we've been viewing. Amanda and Fiona have been watching a lot of South Park. I tend to put my headphones on for most of that to work on writing. However, I did notice that Absolutely Fabulous was on NetFlix and since I used to watch it on BBC America when I lived with my parents years ago- and loved it- I wanted to see it again. Amanda and I watched a couple of episodes tonight. Great fun! 

Well, Preacher is a disappointment. I had high hopes because Amanda has been reading the comic at work on her lunch break. A coworker brings it in for her. From what she told me, it sounded awesome. So, wanting to check out the show- because I like Dominic Cooper- we watched it. I had even higher hopes for it when I saw Seth Rogen's name in the credits. WTF?! Really? Not only does this stupid show have me twanging as if I have been around my Mother's family from Oklahoma, but it sucks. Maybe if I hadn't heard anything about it prior I might be happier with it, but no. Some of the people in the damned town remind me of some members of my family and I don't need any reminders of those people. We've given up and Amanda and I are going to see if the comics are at the library so I can read them and get the true story. 

Into the Badlands, was a show I saw advertised when I was down visiting my parents some time ago. My Mom saw it and said it was really good and that I would enjoy it. Last night our friend Rachel was over for dinner and said that I would really like it too. I'd already put it on my Netflix queue so we watched the first episode. There was some chatter in the background so I didn't catch everything but what I did see, I really liked. It's very intriguing, has some nice martial arts, and well, a couple of actors I like. Amanda and I are planning to re-watch the first episode soon and continue on. 

Today was a lovely day. Nice and overcast. We had some sleet and rain, it was chilly too. I opened the curtain and got all excited when I saw the darker clouds rolling in from the west. Needless to say it made me happy. We also seem to have a squirrel running about who doesn't have a full tail. It's kind of cute. 

Fiona went home today, she left while I was napping. I'm still not feeling up to doing much and she's been helping me out around the house with some cleaning and cooking. That's doesn't exactly make me happy because I want to be doing these things myself and she should be here to relax. I know she doesn't mind, but that's not the point. 

Anyway, I turned on pandora, turned it up, and went to work in my kitchen when I awoke. I hadn't been in there to clean for over a month and well, Fiona and Amanda don't clean quite like I clean. It;s not their fault, my mother is OCD and there are some things that I notice that other people don't because my Mom noticed them and would bitch at me to do them. So I did the dishes and cleaned one side of the kitchen. I still need to wipe down the cabinet doors and tackle the other side, but I could only do so much before I was hurting. I also broke a pint glass. When Amanda woke from her nap, she washed the cushion covers of the sofa and vacuumed the living room floor. Tomorrow, if I am feeling up for it, I will tackle the other half of the kitchen. Fiona rearranged my refrigerator when she was cleaning a spill. My cabinets are a mess too. It might take us all week, but we will get everything put back in order. Not to worry, I'm not complaining, not too much. I am grateful for all the help, I just wish I didn't have to go in and rearrange stuff after. 

Lastly, I read Amanda some of my story. She gave me some of her MFA Learned pointers and we got to talking. I think I really do want to explore the MFA avenue. I really do think it would be beneficial to me and now that my internal girly bits are gone and not killing me, I might actually be able to attend a school here in town rather than an online program. Which might also be good for me. I can hear my Dad bitching at me now.  He doesn't want me to be in debt and wants me to be writing and finishing a novel. But back to Amanda, apart from the critique, she'd say "gross" every so often about something that I was reading her, like Hetro sex and so on. It was kind of funny, but there was a moment or two where I started to worry. It was fine, she was giving me shit. 

Well, time to get to it. 

Never leaving the red tent, pretty art, Voltron, cat

Blossom to Stars by Neshad

I have finished off the progesterone pills my GYN gave me. The hope was that they would shut my period off, my uterus would build up more lining to shed, and then when the pills were done, I would have a revenge period to shed that lining and then the doctor could go in to check for cancer, because if there is any, he would have to approach the surgery a different way. Well, not only did the progesterone not shut my period off- only lightened it a little- it caused me to have more cramps and nausea. Now that the piss are finished, I am bleeding a little more, and last night the cramps were so terrible I was sobbing, ready to vomit, and kept going between hot and cold. Today is a little better, but then again, I just woke up.   

Because I have been feeling so crappy, I decided that I need to look at some of the art I have saved on my Pinterest "Beautiful Art" board. The one above won out. Along with the art, we have my Zen station playing on Pandora, mostly to help keep the tension of my ailments and Amanda's frustration with the cats at the moment, down.

Amanda was home yesterday because she did catch the cold I caught from our friend Tsuki. We spent the majority of the day on the sofa sleeping. While not sleeping we watched a comedy special, a travel show, and Voltron: Legendary Defender. We watched all of season 2 in one sitting and it was awesome! Both of us are really sad because now we have to wait for season 3 and who knows how long it will be before it comes out, but I think the wait will be worth it. 

Since Amanda was out sick yesterday and has today off, she's trying to get a few things done around the house. The cats approve, but want to get in on the action- which is really driving her nuts. Both kitties are underfoot. This is quite different from yesterday's cuddle fest from Throin. He was either curled up on me or cuddled up on Amanda. Narcisa spent the majority of the day in the bedroom. 

Cleaning Castle Nacht, enjoying the quiet and the kitty, grieving

Today, we are cleaning Castle Nacht, a.k.a- the house. Its not truly that bad. It just need to be picked up and dusted, some things moved around, and vacuumed and swept. I need to do a little food prep for the week and get a soup started in the crock pot. A load of laundry is has already been put in the wash and is ready to be dried and another put in the wash. 

I did not sleep well last night. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night to bloody mess in the bed, which sucks because we had just put clean sheets on the bed before going to bed. Gee, thanks PCOS. I cleaned up as much as I could and tried to get Amanda up, but she said it was fine until today. In other words, she was too out of it to want to get up and deal with changing the sheets again. I can't blame her, she had to be up at 4 this morning to go to work. I will be dealing with that shortly. 

This morning I was pestered awake and then stalked by Narcisa. She was out of food so I fed her, grabbed a granola bar for myself and plopped down on the sofa. Apparently she still wanted my attention because she came over shortly after breakfast. She's been back a couple of times, going between me and the patio window. 

The house has been nice and quiet all morning and I am enjoying it. I did talk to my friend Felicia for a little bit. She's having it rough since having her baby a little over a week ago. She had to do a  C-Section because there were some complications and now, it seems that her beautiful baby girl may have to have stomach surgery. I really hope if she does, everything goes perfectly. I finally met and got to hold the baby yesterday and I already adore her and want to spoil her. Of course I want to spoil her older siblings too and miss seeing them every day. 

No matter how many people tell me it is okay to apply for disability, that I do deserve it because I do need it, that I am just having a hiccup, its still killing me inside. I am so angry with my body and I don't want to be. I am so tried of fighting and never getting anywhere. I feel like a soul-sucking-energy-draining-mood-killing black ball when I am around other people. I feel tolerated  and I know that isn't true. I know its my inner depression and anxiety demons whispering in my ear. I know it isn't true because I am still so floored when people want to spend time with me. I don't know. I'm tired and grieving the physical life I used to have, the confidence that doesn't exist anymore, the fearlessness. I don't know how to fix me and all I want to do is hide until I can be and give something of value. Because right now, aside from being with Amanda and keeping house and cooking food, I don't see a future for myself and I am afraid that I am just doing to drag everyone around me down with me. I don't want to and I am so sorry if I am putting extra stress on anyone.  

  

Fat girl does not go quietly into the the afternoon, and engagement photos

I love this picture, it makes me miss my black hair and while I adore having had blue hair for a year and a half, I think it is time to go back... Plus, she's a vamp with nice boobs.

This weekend has been one of tears, laughter, and pain. It began with going out to get engagement photos. I haven't edited them yet, but there are some good ones. Amanda is a little shocked with a couple. She said, I know we're big but we don't look that big in real life. The camera adds 10 pounds, that's just the way it has always been. But yeah, its kind of weird. Its fine, it is what it is. Eventually I will get them edited and will share them.

A lot of other things happened which for you will remain... a mystery! Not really, I made yummy potato soup, cleaned up my kitchen only to wreck it with bread making, and the living room got a tad rearranged so we can utilize the fire place as it grows colder. I also broke one of my raven candle holders so I have to fix it tomorrow. 

The big thing that caused pain and tears was the moment we came home from the store and I rolled/ twisted my ankle. I crashed into the craft storage and supplies that were waiting to be put into the other room as I fell and scraped and bruised my right side. Today my ankle hurts worse, which just sucks. 

I have some new things in the works, but I'm a bit too distracted to write about them tonight, so I will write about them later. 

Can't hardly wait for Autumn, we've been moving some stuff around, and cleaning zones.

Fiona has been up visiting. It's been really nice, and even though she doesn't have to be, she's been really helpful. She even made dinner this evening and afterward, she helped me roll my hair up in curlers. Tomorrow she said she would help in the kitchen, which is really nice too, especially since I am trying to get the house on a zone cleaning schedule as well as get it actually, all the way clean. The Bowie room is still a year long work in progress and probably will be until the end of the year. It sucks, but that's the way of things right now. 

We've been in our apartment almost a year now and we're still trying to feel things out. Amanda moved my craft stuff into the living room, near the dining room, after moving my desk into the Bowie room several months ago. Then she decided that the crafts had to go into the Bowie room and my desk needed to go into the bedroom. Not all of this happened all at once, but it happened. Now the altar is where my desk and the craft shelf used to be. I like it. The living room feels a bit more open. However, there is this naked area of the living room that seriously bothers me. For Halloween and later Yule, we will have our respective trees there, but for right now, its so bare! Sterile even. Excuse me while I shudder. 

I almost can't wait for the Autumn season. There is a lot of stuff on my Summer/Fall bucket list that needs to happen. I am pining for cooler weather, pumpkins, vibrant colors, and of course Halloween. September 1st I plan to get the autumn/ Halloween decor out and begin decorating for the season. I also want to start my fall crafting about that time. 

Lastly, I've been having some trouble with my sinuses. Today I feel pretty icky and like I've taken the 1st steps to being down right sick. It doesn't help that we noticed two very large fires burning pretty close up in the mountains. The wind was blowing pretty hard today, which doesn't help the fire crews, and certainly didn't make me feel any better. I know there are more than just the two fires we saw today, but I'm not sure where they are. Anyway, I couldn't smell the smoke today, but I bet we will be able to tomorrow. I wouldn't go out in it, but I have a therapy appointment and need to return some books to the library.   

Messes, productivity, and nap time?

Narcisa is turning into a chair thief and a camera tease. 

You know those moments where you're doing some organization- or trying to- and it seems like you just made a bigger mess than the one you had? Yeah, I had that moment yesterday. I decided it was time to get the Monster High Dolls out and put them up for display an learned that I am missing one. I also got all the blind bag My Little Ponies out and put them up. Because I felt so industrious, I decided to try to organize my books. That was stupid! I think I made the office/library messier than it was, I realized that I am missing some series books, and that those books are probably on the shelves I can't get to because we still have a couple of boxes to go through. I then tried to clean off and organize my desk but quickly gave up when I realized that I was just slipping some things into the desk drawer instead of actually dealing with them. Granted, I don't really have anywhere else to put them, but still! 

Here are a few pictures of what I did get accomplished.

Some of my books.I used to have a ton of Dragon Lance novels, but I downsized several years ago and go rid of the ones I didn't think I was going to read. 

Some MLP and Monster High

More MLP and some Monster High

My Grandma just sent me these shelves and this is what I used them for.

Monster High. I am missing my Jinafire Long doll. We also have a lot of Abby because a friend of ours loved her and then she ended up giving us her dolls. 

I picked up and vacuumed the living room yesterday. The maintenance men finally came to replace my bathroom fan. It sounds weird but at least it isn't the rattle that threatened to fly out and eat me. I have the kitchen and cleaning the bathroom left to do today. I will get to that in a little bit. I've been going since 4:30 am. I had to take Amanda to work and then go to the store, which reminds me that I need to go get the groceries out of the car. I left them in the trunk so I could come in and eat breakfast. 

So aside from some cleaning and taking a shower later, I have a lot of food prep to do. I'll have to lean up the kitchen first, of course, then start cutting veggies, fruit, and meat to freeze. That always takes awhile but I figure I will listen to some music and just zone out for awhile. 

I was thinking about taking a nap, but I don't know if I will have time. Maybe, but I need to get the groceries inside first. It might only be 50 degrees F right now, but I still need to get the milk, butter, coffee creamer, and cheese into the fridge.

Lastly, the morning that it rained, I'd forgotten to take my allergy meds and opened the windows to hear the thunderstorms during the day. I did not go outside but company that mows the apartment complex lawns was out and about doing just that. So this is what happens to me, you can't see a lot, but I broke out in hives. It sucks!

I have learned some things!!!

First, I would like to learn how to paint with water colors like this. I think it would be fun and it would certainly satisfy part of my love/need to paint. 

Second, if I can swing it, I am getting myself an Erhu when I graduate. It looks and sounds like this. 

I love the sound of this instrument. I'm not looking to preform anywhere, just learn how to play and play for myself. Ever since I had to pawn my trumpet for gas money several years ago and my piano keyboard decided to crap out on me, I've missed playing music. Amanda, thankfully has a cornet, violin, and mandolin but they are all back in Kansas in my parents basement. They aren't doing us much good there. We will get them, eventually. In the mean time, I will have this wonderful instrument to learn and explore, just for me. I also thought about a Cello but I have no idea where we would put it. 

Okay so on to what I have learned in the last couple of days. 

That park I went to is apparently a park for hookers and hooking up, or so I have been told. Okay, so maybe I will try for High Bridge park next time I have to go park and sit while waiting on Amanda. The great thing about living somewhere new is learning all the places to stay away from and all the cool stuff to check out. 

The next thing is that my wellness class is exactly what I thought it was going to be like. People with good intentions and with great ideas who want to make the world a better place and make things fair and wonderful for everyone. They talk about the ideals and wellness all around. These are great concepts and I am glad that someone is doing research into these things and trying to lay the ground work for the greater good. Seriously, I commend their efforts. However, I don't believe that someone can be 100% "well". At least not in everyone's opinion. There will always be something wrong with someone. I say that because they talk about health and how you might seem healthy but not know there is something wrong with you. If there are no symptoms how are you to know unless you go looking and poking. Which is fine. But the more you look, eventually you're probably going to find something. Then there is the whole imbalance part of it and how we need to work to becoming balanced and so on. Okay, that's fine too. But, bottom line, no matter what I think is healthy or what my ideals of wellness are, are never going to match up with someone else's.

We also looked at wellness models. I tend to gravitate toward the holistic, at least that's what seemed to resonate with me the most when reading about the models. It was neat. 

I came across an article called When Pain Hijacks Your Brain. Someone on the support fibromyalgia page on facebook posted it and I thought I would give it a shot. The author basically outlined what I've been dealing with for a really long time. I'm naturally observant anyway, so I tend to watch and listen to people. I also really think about conversations I've had or things I've read or seen or what have you, so I don't often reply right away to something. But then there is this on top of it. I've been in a serious conversation with people before and just fucking lose what I was talking about. Then I spend a minute or two rambling because I'm trying to back track to remember what the fuck I just lost. It's really Gods damned annoying! And I do worry about Alzheimer's because my Grandpa has it. But yeah, reading this was kind of exciting and I will have to remember it the next time I get frustrated so I don't automatically start shutting down because I think I sound like an idiot. Actually, this article came at the right time. Because I've seriously been going over stuff I've said in a conversation with some friends recently. I was so worried that I came off like an idiot because I know I rambled some. Amanda said I didn't and to chill. LOL. 

I've learned that self esteem issues are still a bitch even at 32. 

In other news, I am waiting to find out how much it is going to cost to get my medical records sent to me. I signed a release form at my old doctor's office. I want to see my records myself because I am not sure I buy what I was told about my ultrasound to look at my ovaries. Amanda's Aunt (who is strange but worked at a hospital) seems to think with the amount of pain I am in just from my period that I have to have some cysts. She thinks because at the time, I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for anything more, that my doctor didn't tell me the whole truth. Well, I really liked that doctor and hope she was honest. I will find out for sure when I get my records. 

I have also managed to do something to my back again. I am not sure when or what exactly, but I have a pinchy, burning, stabbing pain in my lower back again, on top of the dull incessant ache, and I can feel it tightening. This does not make me happy. This is not good. I took some tylenol and decided to just decided to work on the laundry today. We are so backed up and behind from when we were sick. Actually the whole house is getting cleaned this weekend. YAY!!! No really, I will feel much better when everything is put away and I can clean everything to my standards. 

Ridiculousness, school, dog sitting, Amanda

The red head standing in the middle, that's my 

Fiance, Amanda, receiving her Master's diploma. I am super exited she finally has it and that the schooling part for her is over. Her novel isn't but she will be working on it when she returns home.

There she is again on the far right. 

At the moment I am dog sitting my neighbor's dog, totally hanging out watching Ridculousness. Its stupid, its funny, and its mindless enough for a day of semi-relaxation that I am really loving it! My neighbor took her husband and kids to Boise over night so she could see her parents and Grandma. Her parents live in Arizona and were coming up to see her Grandmother. It;s a quick visit and they will be back today sometime. So far, I've let their dog out several times, watched some TV, and have done homework. It's so quiet and nice. 

So far, I've made it through my first week of this term. I had a lot of reading this week. I've had to do a list of value statements, do an author bio, and it looks like I have to launch a website for my writing. That freaked me out a little because I don't have anything published (aside from fanfic and I wouldn't exactly use that to represent me). It has to be an active site and paired up with a facebook page and twitter account or one other media platform. I am so dreading this, but maybe it won't be so bad. I can always deactivate stuff or put it on hold until I need it again. In my photography class, I have played with my camera and the settings, and played with a couple types of photography. 

At the moment, I am very tired and ready to take a nap. I can't very well go to bed because I still have a lot of laundry to do. With that comes cleaning off my bed and putting clean sheets on. I also have dinner to eat. I managed to get my desk cleaned off and the bathroom cleaned. I'd say that's progress! 

Neighbors, homework, cleaning, and books to knock the creativity back into gear!

Narcisa playing in my summer hat

Please excuse the mess in the picture. When you have a kitty who eats and tears up paper and play with cat litter, it's a little difficult to keep up with her messes.

Yesterday Amanda's parents left for Seattle for their own little vacation, which means that Amanda and I get the house to ourselves. I spent the day yesterday reading in the living room. It was so nice. I had the curtains open too. We had the TV on but only because we can play Pandora through the Bluray player and that was on very low. We did watch a movie called The Quiet Ones, which I thought was pretty interesting. 

Since Amanda's parents are gone and it is just us until Fiona comes to visit tomorrow, and I am spending more time out of our bedroom, I need clean space. So I scrubbed down the kitchen last night and the bar. The dining room is going to take more work than I can do on my own. The living room needs a good dusting and vacuuming. Of course a few things need to be out away. Otherwise I have been working on laundry. I managed to get most of our bathroom clean the other day. However, the floor needs mopping. Amanda, like always, had to clean the shower for me, which she did this morning before work. I think, with a little help, I will be able to get the house presentable tomorrow. Today, however, I have to work on homework. 

This last week has been one big blow off for me as far as school work has been concerned.

I think I just needed to recharge a little. I spent most of yesterday reading. Tuesday I think I played on the computer off and on and went to Spokane Valley to take a friend to the  grocery store because her car broke down. 

Monday I spent doing making covers for two more volumes of my Book of Shadows. I think with the two extra volumes, I will be able to organize things better and have more room for said things. 

But I also tried my hand at wire wrapping. I've had a rainbow fluorite pendant since May or June of last year and not really had anything to put it on. I tried putting an O ring through it but didn't have any big enough.. Finally I just decided to order some jewelry wire and give it a go. I'd also recently bought a mermaid pendant from Joann's crafts and knew the rainbow fluorite would look amazing with it. After about three tries, using my fingers, flat nosed jewelry pliers, and a chopstick, I ended up with this. 

  

The picture is a little dark, but I think it turned out pretty well for my first piece. I have some adventurine pendants my Mother gave me that I would like to try wrapping, but that will have to wait until I am caught up with homework. 

Back to books. I have been reading Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning. It was pretty good and I liked it well enough that I simply had to go to the library yesterday and pick up the next book in the series. Since we took Narcisa with us, I remained in the car with her while Amanda went inside. She found another book while looking for the one I wanted and rented it too. It's about Elves and she thought I would enjoy it. I probably will. 

Anyway, because I took a break from homework and did somethings I have wanted to do for myself and read a book that I wanted, I've had some pretty wacky dreams. Furthermore, I have such an itch to write. Amanda thinks I should just do it but when I start writing I kind of get a bit obsessed and I love that. Which is why I can't really devote the time I would love to devote to it right now. I don't want to start then have to stop because of stupid homework. It will all be much easier when I can iron out a decent schedule. You have no idea how hard that has been in this house. Half of it is other people he other half is me. The part that's me is the total people pleasing nature I can't seem to kick. Then again, why should I kick it completely?  

Oh one of the books I ordered when ordering my textbooks for school next term came yesterday. It is called Frey, God of the World by Ann Groa Sheffield. I bought it used and it just so happens that this copy was autographed by the author! It had a nice message to what I think is a very good friend of the author and I wonder how exactly the book came up for sale. Did the owner pass away and her family give her possessions away? Did she decide to pass her book along? Did she lose it? Either way, this book is made even more special. I love autographed copies by authors.

Lastly, last night our neighbor came over and we talked with her for 5 hours. She's really nice and needed some pointers on homework. We talked about all manner of things and I think we are going to try to get together tomorrow or Saturday night and have drinks around the patio fire pit at her place.   

Cleaning, homework woes, shocking and sad news, Rocket Raccoon!

With some of the money my Grandparents sent me for Christmas, I bought Guardians of the Galaxy on Bluray. Now without ever seeing this movie before or reading any comics, I knew I was going to like Rocket Raccoon. It's a talking, gun toting, space raccoon, what's not to like?! After seeing the movie, I. LOVE. HIM! I pretty much want to hug him! Of course, I adore Groot! He's wonderful! But Rocket it my favorite. 

After taking my statistics test and getting a not so stellar score, I decided to call it a day on homework last night. I did check to see if I could do the next math assignment so at least that could get done on time. I can. But I learned something interesting. Apparently I am not the only person struggling with probability. It seems most of my class is and because of that our instructor has granted everyone another chance to retake the test to improve our scores and an extension. She also posted a power point that reviews the test. Personally, I think that's great! So, after I make a beef and veggie stew for dinner, I will go take care of that and then move on to this week's assignment. But somewhere either today or tomorrow, I have got to get my Context of Writing Paper started, edited, and finished. It's due this Sunday. 

Last night the under wire to one of my good bra's broke. I am really not happy about that. I've had this bra for two years now and loved it!

On to this morning. I got up later than I wanted to but I got dressed, ate, and had a cup of coffee. I'd decided last night instead of starting with homework first and then spending all day on it as I have pretty much the last several weeks, I would clean a little. So, I started with the part of the bathroom that I can clean, which is the mirror, vanity/sink, top half and inside of the toilet, and the outside of the shower doors. I also reorganized the little metal shelf we keep necessities wash cloths, and some books on. I have to do a lot of this sitting down, which doesn't really make it easier but it does help my back. When that was finished, I picked up the bedroom and while still in my desk chair, I tried vacuuming. I'm not supposed to sweep or vacuum with the way my back is. Of course, as usual, I woke up in pain, but I'm not sure I will be doing this all that often because I am hurting more than I was earlier. It was worth a shot. I  also reorganized my desk. 

Also this morning, I'd gotten a call from my cousin Shi-Chan only I was asleep so I had to call her back. Well along with the normal shitty crap she's dealing with in her life, she learned last week that one of our friends is in the hospital with a terminal illness. This friend of ours lives several states away so she can't make it out to see them and neither can I. Technically I'm not supposed to know yet because they don't want a lot of people to know. This person is trying to keep their troubles away from other people, which I understand so I'm not saying anything along the usual channels. Its awful! Really truly awful. I feel bad for them but also for Shi-Chan because she is closer to this friend of ours than I am and she just lost one of her Uncles and two years ago she lost her Dad. 

Just sad, stressful things happening all around. But hey, there's always Rocket Raccoon, the kitties, and the nap I am very tempted to take. 

It's an all pain, no bra, homework filled, want to go back to sleep, and kind of inspired kind of day.

Emmeline is my Steampunk Name and I adore it! Plus, Vampy cuteness!

My Steampunk name has nothing to do with today's post nor am I going to get into it further than, I adore that picture. I don't even remember what my search was when I found it else I would tell you but when I saw it, it was love at first sight and I knew I had save it! I'm going to seek out the artist soon and see what else she or he has done. 

Anyway, today isn't a total bust, but kind of close. My back is hurting something awful and it apparently wanted company because my neck, shoulders, and head have come to the party as well. I still have homework, but there are only two weeks left and then I get a break, thank the Gods! I do want to go back to sleep though which is why I am not moving everything over to the bed where I know I will be more comfortable. I am just too tried and the minute I am even the slightest bit comfortable, I'm out. 

The no bra bit. It's not out of comfort, in fact I am more uncomfortable without one on. I am leaving the bra off today because the strap from the one I was wearing yesterday and the day before (Shut up I don't have that many) rubbed me raw and between that and me not paying attention and scratching, I have a bit of chaffing. So, I am giving my skin a break and applying a triple antibiotic ointment to help it heal faster without infection, not that it would get infect but you never know. This isn't some common occurrence but my skin is very sensitive and it really doesn't take much for me have this problem.  

I am a little inspired. With all the homework and being in and out of the house the last month or so, we haven't really done a lot of cleaning. Our house isn't bad, but it's not dusted and there's some clutter out and about. A posted some pictures of her lovely "cave" and now I kind of want to do the same of our space but I won't until I get some cleaning done. We just have a bedroom and bathroom to ourselves, the rest of the apartment is shared between Amanda, myself, and her parents, although I tend to spend more time in my room than anywhere else. That will change when we get a place of our own. 

Well, I really do feel like I am about to fall asleep so I had better get to work on my homework. I have a big paper to write this week, some Yule stuff to plan and organize here at home, and Amanda needs some help with her blog tonight. 

Oh and did I mention that while we've been engaged for a few years, we've decided that we are going to finally set a date and get married? Well, we are. Of course since gay marriage is kind of joke in Idaho thank to our oh so accepting Governor Butch Otter and his continued campaign to get that right revoked, we are going to wait until we move to Washington state. I will let friends and family know as soon as we do but I will not be posting it here. As someone who was born and raised in Kansas and has personally seen Westboro Baptist Church in action, I don't want or need them picketing my wedding. Not that I would be a bridezilla, but I would hurt them. 

Things are starting to move, to come together, and I still have so much to do.

As soon as my financial aid comes through, I will officially be back in college. Through e-mail correspondence, I've been talking with my admissions counselor and she suggested a couple of classes to start and asked if there were a few others in case the two she suggested had filled up. So I went through the course catalog and found some possibilities. I actually spent an hour or two reviewing what transferred from my other schools and what I still needed to take, and came up with a tentative plan of which classes I wanted/needed to take. It was kind of fun actually. 

I think I might have mentioned getting my new glasses, but if I didn't, I got my new glasses. I can see! YAY! I am still adjusting to them. Now I just needed to get the cavities the dentist says I have, filled (that's going to cost far more than it probably should), and get myself into the doctor for a few things. One, I need to get this recent allergic reaction looked at, I'm still having trouble with the hives (apparently some can last up to 6 weeks or more). I need to talk to my doctor about PCOS because I still haven't done that, not that I have seen her recently, and I need to talk to her about getting a voucher to get a free baseline mammogram done. I'm 30 and since my Great Aunt died of breast cancer and a few other members in my family have had lumps removed, I just think it's a good idea. 

The friends that were visiting went home. I loved having them here but I was ready for everyone to go home on Friday. Skoora's Mom was driving us all a little nuts, Skoora and I both had things we needed to do and still need to get done, and I really wasn't feeling good that day and just kind of needed to curl up in a cool, dark room and sleep off the migraine. Of course the 'sleeping off the migraine' didn't happen. There was a lot of running around and we donated plasma after which we did a little shopping. I can honestly say that I do not enjoy having panic attacks in public much less in the middle of wal-mart. But I had it, was able to calm down fairly quickly, and we got out of there and home soon enough. I fell asleep on the sofa watching a really stupid movie. 

Oh, I got new shoes! Every pair of my shoes either have holes in them or are falling apart. So I broke down and got a pair of sneakers with some supports in them. Skoora says I am walking better. That's good!

We've been cleaning a little bit here and there (the usual stuff) and we are in the process of organizing a few things. I've been Pinterest again and saw a couple of ideas that I loved. Now, we just need to go through our stuff. We've got our room and then what we have out in the garage. There's so much to do and I should be starting school next month. I'm kind of afraid I won't get it all done. 

Lastly, Skoora earned herself a new Super Hero name this week. I dubbed her Mistress Monster Snore! Because of a really crappy medical procedure she had to undergo for vocal nodes several years ago, she now snores like a fog horn. Oh boy, some of the sounds she makes! She can't help it and it doesn't bother me, well until she starts sounding like a growling monster and then it's time to wake her up.