Losing home, are you kidding me, and almost hospital

Five months ago I asked my parents if me buying their plane tickets, taking care of them while they were at my house so they could attend my wedding, would be okay. My friend Rachel was fronting me the money and I was to work it off during the summer at her Kettle Corn stand. My parents said okay. Two weeks ago my Dad said he might be able to come because they would never dig themselves out of the hole from losing a weeks worth of his pay. Amanda said she'd give him money to supplement them coming up. We don't have it but we were going tom make it happen. That just pissed my Dad off.  There were somethings happening at his job that might have allowed him to come. Except they never happened. He never got the promotion, he never got the job with another correctional facility in another county.... it is a mess.  So he is not coming. My Dad is not coming to my wedding. It is official. And I am not okay with it. I understand why. But it still hurts. It still feels like I'm not worth the effort in a way. 

Worse, it sounds like my Mom wants to bail on me to. I was talking to her last night about another issue and she said "If I come up". I just about lost my shit. "I said, what do you mean 'if'. You're coming!" But you know at this point. Fuck it. Just fuck it. No I don't want her flying alone. Yes, the lay overs suck and the changing of planes is a hassle, but damn it, aren't I worth the fucking effort? Apparently not. 

On top of that, my fears of being kicked out of our apartment came true yesterday. They finally found something to give us the boot and they can get away with it. Amanda makes commission but it varies and is not a gaurnteed thing. But they basically did a 'projected' 'what she has the potential to make' estimate and used that to kick us out. It put us over the kick out line by $100 dollars. $100. We have 30 days to get out of our apartment. We still have to pay rent for October, the full amount, and if we move out before the 30 days is up, we don't get the money for the day not lived here back. When Amanda asked if we could have two months, they said no. I told them we are getting married next month, that my Mom is flying in from out of town, that we are going on our honeymoon. They didn't give a shit. It was pretty much "aww that sucks, get out".  They are giving us $1,800.00 for moving expenses. I am trying to look at that as a positive but it is very difficult. I don't actually trust that these people will hand us that money in the end. 

Last night was awful. I cycled through crying, wanting to break things, wanting to vomit, being furious, and then feeling like the ground under me was crumbling and I was scrambling to find something to hang on to before I was buried and suffocated by my own feelings. I tried to keep it all in and keep Amanda from texting my parents with offers to give them money we really don't have to they come to the wedding.  That just stressed me out more even though it was so kind and sweet of her. It's not her fault, its that my Dad won't take it. He's too proud. His pride is hurting me and I don't think he realizes it. 

I almost gave up last night. I was watching anime and talking to my friend Chris over facebook messenger. When things get really bad I have the urge to scratch and tear my skin. Last night I wanted to flay it off with a knife and it scared me. That's just not normal. I took half a xanax and sat on my hands. It was awful and I really considered asking Amanda to drive me to the hospital. I even mentioned it to her and she was going to take me. But I didn't go. She has to work today and couldn't afford to lose sleep. I didn't want to be away from my cats or away from my home. 

On top of that, Amanda broke out in hives all over her body. We don't know if she's got a latex allergy- she popped all the birthday balloons at her desk yesterday. Or if it was stress hives or both. She looks better this morning. 

Amanda and I are both trying really hard to be positive and look at this all positively. We want a house and this is a potential opportunity to make it happen sooner rather than later. We've already been looking and last night I found one that I really like in our price range. We've been making a plan of what to do. We have a friend who is going to come and stay and finish any packing we might need to do while we are on our honeymoon. We are going to put nonessential stuff in storage and out our bed in Amanda's parents dining room because that's where we can go with the cats. We'll probably do some couch surfing a little bit too. Then when we are able to get a house, Amanda's parents are moving with us and living with us for 6 months. We are trying to get them over here anyway and get her mother into a better doctor. 

So, today while it's 4:40 in the morning and I am awake and already trying to still the panic, anxiety, depression monster, and trying not to cry, I'm making plans to go to Sally's Beauty Supply to pick up some more bleach for my hair and maybe another box of hair dye. It's time to do my hair. And I think, today, I want to paint my toe nails and I don't know, just try to make it through the day. 

I know it's almost 1 am but it's still Wednesday for me, so Haunted Hump day still counts.

It's that time of year again!

Since I am sick, I didn't feel up to picking up my house and taking pictures of my spooky decor. Don't worry, I am getting to it and haven't forgotten. Nor have I forgotten that I said I would share some pumpkin pictures on a Halloween Swap page on Facebook- they are on a camera that was moved and I keep forgetting to go look and to ask where it is. Fear not, I have made a page long list of stuff I want to try and accomplish over the next several days. Lists make my life so much easier. 

So, in lieu of spooky decor and really any current successful craft projects (my salt dough ornament experiment didn't work out the way I had hoped so I am moving on to sculpey), I will share a semi-spooky personal manifestation board I did several weeks back and a personal ghost story.

Here is my board. I wanted it to be more witchy but apparently I was channeling my inner goth/ vampire that day. There are some witch-ish elements shining through, but mostly it has to do with other aspects of my life. Since we as humans are multifaceted it makes sense. A more pagan-centric manifestation board has been planned to address my pagan goals, but I may just save that for Halloween night, you know since it is the Witch's new year and all that. 

On to the ghost story, which Marfi, who hosts Haunted Humpday, kind of inspired. Well, in so much as reminded me with her post, that I can post ghost stories too. Anyway, I am sure that those who have met me physically have heard this story, but those in internet land have not, read it if you wish. This is a personal experience dating back to when I was a very small child...

I woke up in the middle of the night scared, the cold sweat, to scared to make a noise, kind of scared. My bed faced the wall opposite my bedroom window. A street light always shone in and there was also the shadows from a large tree in the back yard. I used to lay in bed and entertain thoughts of a skeletal chicken army marching across my wall, so in some respects the tree plays a tiny part, in that most of what I would normally see, wasn't there. Instead it was blacked out by a black, child-sized figure perched on my windowsill, and it was watching me. I knew it was, its red eyes glowed on my wall, as if the wall was a mirror. It watched me for a few little bit then turned its attention to something outside. Somehow I managed to pull the covers up and hide, desperate and hoping that if I could just go back to sleep it would leave. 

I never saw it again. Some might say it was a really bad dream. For awhile I thought maybe it was until I heard an internet radio show hosted by a Shaman. I don't even remember what exactly he was talking about that recalled the memory of this creature, but I e-mailed him and described what had happened when I was younger. His response was that it probably wasn't a dream, that it was probably a creature that fed from children's fear. He had a friend who studies this kind of thing. Of course for the life of me I can't remember what her name was, but how freaking creepy. Now, I don't know how true this could be, because when I tried looking up information on such a creature, I was coming up with nothing. However, I didn't really look too hard or too long. I might do that in the near future.