Well, that happened, the paint is crying, and sick

Amanda and I. 

Well, it happened. We are married! Finally! The day of was pretty intense. Amanda was freaking out and I was trying to take it easy. Of course part was that as because I twisted both ankles and fell at Scarrywood the night before and the other part was because I wanted to be as calm as possible. Everyone else was freaking out and I'm not going to go into it, its done and over. 

The ceremony was beautiful, what I remember of it. It seemed to happen fast and a lot from that day is a blur and I was in a lot of pain. Thankfully, people recorded it. We never got to dance, never even got to listen to the music that wasn't in the ceremony itself. We basically got to eat dinner and a little cake and then the pavilion lights went out and it was time to clean up. Only, I didn't. I was cold and hurting, and went to warm up in the car. 

We had a small after party at a friend's house. I was planning to get drunk only I hung in long enough to sit by the fire for a few minutes, drink non-alcoholic hot cocoa, and then fell asleep on my friend's sofa. Another friend scared me awake to give me a hug goodbye. Amanda and another friend, both drunk, woke me up to go join the coven they were making in the back yard, but I was too sleepy. I do remember my friend nuzzling my boobs and pulling on my arm, but that was it. Apparently they made me drink some alcohol too. I missed all the vomiting excitement too, for which I am thankful.

The next morning when we walked to our car, parked around the corner from my friend's house, we found this gem:

Since Our car was parked facing away from the road and the damage as done on the passenger side, I can only assume that someone walking by threw something or hit the windshield as they were passing by. That's at least a 300 dollar fix and it will just have to wait until after we get back from the honeymoon. We have far too much shit to do at the moment. 

Speaking of which. I am sick and Amanda is feeling the first of it. I think it is a combination of stress, us being out in the cold rain the night before our wedding, and the mildew- mold smell permeating our apartment.

Two weeks or so ago we had what looked like a lactating tit dripping water down into our shower. I called maintenance about it. They came and slashed it and told us that they needed to let it dry out and that they weren't going to fix it until after we moved out since we are moving out on the 30th of this month. Lovely, how kind of them to leave us with this over our heads while we shower and while our out of town wedding guests shower. Fuckers.

Thursday night, after SScarrywood, we came home to a small puddle in the bathroom and our bathroom wall looking like this:

The next morning, our wedding day, it looked like this:

I went down to talk to the office about it. The apartment managers were gone so I cornered one of the Walker Construction guys and told him. I told him it was my wedding day, we were going to have people in and out of my apartment all day, but that I would be home Saturday. Well they don't work on Saturday, which he neglected to tell me, but he did say he would talk to someone about it. 

I waited all day Saturday and by Sunday morning I had had enough. Especially when I stepped in a wet spot in the hall way. I'm not sure how the water migrated there, I checked the water heater closet and nothing was wet in there and everyone swore they didn't spill anything. So I called Emergency Maintenance. They came out looked, mopped up the floor with some towels and did something with the water upstairs, which was where it was coming from. Our house smells awful. I'v had the dining room window open the last couple of days to try and help air it out. I've also kept the house kind of cold to discourage mold from growing. I don't know if that's doing any good or not. 

Since I have been sick the last few days, I've been resting, sleeping, and downing cold care tea, mucinex, and cough drops. Neither  Amanda no I want to be sick on our honeymoon next week, so I am doing my best to rest and get over whatever crap it is that I have. No, I am not smoking anymore. I quit that the day before I got sick. This doesn't help our efforts to pack up our house to move. In fact, Amanda has been doing most of it. Two of our friends are going to come over while we are on our honeymoon to finish it up for us, that way, when we get back, we can get a truck, and load it all into storage. Man this month fucking sucks! 

On the house hunting front, we have viewed two houses. They weren't us, not really. So we are still looking. 

For today, I am going to take the car back to emissions, finally, and hope it passes. Then I am going to go get car tags, finally. At some point the car needs an oil change and we need to pack for our hoeymoon and pick up our order from Torrid. But, at this very moment, I have a very spoiled and needy orange cat curled up on the table and on my arms wanting more attention, so everything else can wait a damned minute.

Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is. 

Losing home, are you kidding me, and almost hospital

Five months ago I asked my parents if me buying their plane tickets, taking care of them while they were at my house so they could attend my wedding, would be okay. My friend Rachel was fronting me the money and I was to work it off during the summer at her Kettle Corn stand. My parents said okay. Two weeks ago my Dad said he might be able to come because they would never dig themselves out of the hole from losing a weeks worth of his pay. Amanda said she'd give him money to supplement them coming up. We don't have it but we were going tom make it happen. That just pissed my Dad off.  There were somethings happening at his job that might have allowed him to come. Except they never happened. He never got the promotion, he never got the job with another correctional facility in another county.... it is a mess.  So he is not coming. My Dad is not coming to my wedding. It is official. And I am not okay with it. I understand why. But it still hurts. It still feels like I'm not worth the effort in a way. 

Worse, it sounds like my Mom wants to bail on me to. I was talking to her last night about another issue and she said "If I come up". I just about lost my shit. "I said, what do you mean 'if'. You're coming!" But you know at this point. Fuck it. Just fuck it. No I don't want her flying alone. Yes, the lay overs suck and the changing of planes is a hassle, but damn it, aren't I worth the fucking effort? Apparently not. 

On top of that, my fears of being kicked out of our apartment came true yesterday. They finally found something to give us the boot and they can get away with it. Amanda makes commission but it varies and is not a gaurnteed thing. But they basically did a 'projected' 'what she has the potential to make' estimate and used that to kick us out. It put us over the kick out line by $100 dollars. $100. We have 30 days to get out of our apartment. We still have to pay rent for October, the full amount, and if we move out before the 30 days is up, we don't get the money for the day not lived here back. When Amanda asked if we could have two months, they said no. I told them we are getting married next month, that my Mom is flying in from out of town, that we are going on our honeymoon. They didn't give a shit. It was pretty much "aww that sucks, get out".  They are giving us $1,800.00 for moving expenses. I am trying to look at that as a positive but it is very difficult. I don't actually trust that these people will hand us that money in the end. 

Last night was awful. I cycled through crying, wanting to break things, wanting to vomit, being furious, and then feeling like the ground under me was crumbling and I was scrambling to find something to hang on to before I was buried and suffocated by my own feelings. I tried to keep it all in and keep Amanda from texting my parents with offers to give them money we really don't have to they come to the wedding.  That just stressed me out more even though it was so kind and sweet of her. It's not her fault, its that my Dad won't take it. He's too proud. His pride is hurting me and I don't think he realizes it. 

I almost gave up last night. I was watching anime and talking to my friend Chris over facebook messenger. When things get really bad I have the urge to scratch and tear my skin. Last night I wanted to flay it off with a knife and it scared me. That's just not normal. I took half a xanax and sat on my hands. It was awful and I really considered asking Amanda to drive me to the hospital. I even mentioned it to her and she was going to take me. But I didn't go. She has to work today and couldn't afford to lose sleep. I didn't want to be away from my cats or away from my home. 

On top of that, Amanda broke out in hives all over her body. We don't know if she's got a latex allergy- she popped all the birthday balloons at her desk yesterday. Or if it was stress hives or both. She looks better this morning. 

Amanda and I are both trying really hard to be positive and look at this all positively. We want a house and this is a potential opportunity to make it happen sooner rather than later. We've already been looking and last night I found one that I really like in our price range. We've been making a plan of what to do. We have a friend who is going to come and stay and finish any packing we might need to do while we are on our honeymoon. We are going to put nonessential stuff in storage and out our bed in Amanda's parents dining room because that's where we can go with the cats. We'll probably do some couch surfing a little bit too. Then when we are able to get a house, Amanda's parents are moving with us and living with us for 6 months. We are trying to get them over here anyway and get her mother into a better doctor. 

So, today while it's 4:40 in the morning and I am awake and already trying to still the panic, anxiety, depression monster, and trying not to cry, I'm making plans to go to Sally's Beauty Supply to pick up some more bleach for my hair and maybe another box of hair dye. It's time to do my hair. And I think, today, I want to paint my toe nails and I don't know, just try to make it through the day. 

Update and A Small Gothic Fashion Frustration.

Things are still rather nuts. The imperative sense of scrambling seems less intense. I still do not know if my Dad is going to make it to the wedding. He is still waiting for news on his end, but with every day that drags on, the less time I have to call the airline and make changes to the tickets. 

We still have not signed a lease with our apartment complex. We went in this last weekend to do so and give them Amanda's 401k information -which they can't use against us anyway because she hasn't been contributing to it- and the lady in the office said she didn't know why they had us down to sign a lease when they have some sort of paperwork done yet. Wow, really?! So we made yet another appointment for this coming weekend to sign the lease then. 

Amanda's Mom came last weekend as well. We got our car from the mechanic and it runs nicely. As soon as she gets paid, we'll take it back to emissions testing and get it tagged so its legal to drive again.

Also last weekend we did some wrap up wedding shopping. That was a bit overwhelming and exhausting, but it is done. All that is left are a few things from Amazon and Amanda and I need to finish making the decorations. Well, and writing our vows. Amanda's freaking out a little. I'm... not? Perhaps that's because I've spent the last several months in a state of high stress and fear and this crap with my parents and the apartment has been enough to make the actual wedding stress look like a vacation. I mean I've cried over the possibility that my Dad might not be at my wedding and thus all the wedding pictures are going to be permanent evidence and a reminder forever of that- which conflicts with all the happy-fuzzy feelings I should be completely swept up in for that day- which only pisses me off and makes me want to cry all over again because its not fair to Amanda that I'm so fucking depressed over it. I've tried to say fuck it, whatever, but I can't help the way I feel without stuffing everything down so far that I go numb again. *sigh* I really need to get the fuck over this. 

Because I am pear shaped and fat, finding a wedding dress that I liked and would fit me was never going to happen.  I would have had to make it or find someone to make one for me both of which was going to be more expensive than we could afford. If one were to go by semi-standard US sizing, my hips need a 5x but my shoulders need a 2/3x. Trust me, it sucks. I like Victorian and military goth styles A LOT and my shape doesn't always accommodate that, unless tailored right.

So, Amanda and I hit Torrid to find something. She found a pretty red and black Snow White dress and I found a formal-ish, plain black dress. Because its fall and we're having an evening wedding, there is a good chance it will be chilly, so I was going to need something for my shoulders. Well, no one really makes patterns in my size for what I was looking for. So, I did the next best thing and bought a costume pattern in the biggest size I could find and got on the internet to see how to upsize it. The bolero circled in yellow in the picture above, is the pattern I used. I nixed the collar and took the points off the red part of the sleeves. I also did away with sleeve gathers and still had to tailor the damned thing to fit my shoulders because they are small. I found a velvety burnout damask fabric in black so, its black, not blue and red like the picture. I also bought a broach/necklace to finish it off. You will have to wait for the wedding pictures to see it. I haven't even tried it on with the dress yet. 

I want to make another one, a couple actually, just not with the same fabric. The teeth that move fabric along on the my sewing machine didn't like the fabric very well and tried to eat it. That was several small fits of panic. And, now that I know how to upsize a pattern and actually have a handle on sewing sleeves, I would like to venture out into other pieces of clothing. But that will have to wait until after I make Amanda's cloak, until after the wedding, and possibly even until after winter. 

Life exploded in my face, keep it together, and listening to the rain.

First, before I get into the emotional and mental upheaval and turmoil that left me telling Amanda that I loved her but don't want to be here anymore (which is only half true), I want to report that it is raining! For me, despite the aches that come with the rain, it it like a good omen and salve to my tattered nerves. I love the rain and gloomy days are always better for me all around. I'm reminded by that song from Garbage, "Only happy when it rains". 

On to the shit!

It began with a letter from DSHS (Department of social and health services,). I have to do a review to keep my food stamps. Okay, no big, I've done it before, all it takes is a phone call. Except there was another letter from my new case worker, who sent a letter detailing that I need to get into my doctor within the next x amount of days to be reevaluated. I don't actually have a doctor at this moment. I mean my insurance assigned me a new one when my doctor ended her contract with them. So, not only do I know if this new woman is taking new patients, but I have never met her nor do I know if she is actually going to do anything to help me. So I have to deal with all of that. Okay. So that on top of the wedding stuff is stressful. But it gets worse. 

My Mother called and informed me that my Dad may not actually get to come to my wedding. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that they can't afford to lose a week of his pay. But that there was something he was working on but he wouldn't tell her and if it came through he might get to come. Then she proceeded to tell me all the ways I have to be okay with this. Are you fucking kidding me?! I felt so sick while on the phone with her. I felt like I just don't matter, that work will always come before me, and it was all so much worse because I was finally allowing myself to get excited at the prospect that they were both finally coming. I mean, they didn't come when they actually had the money, which was really shitty because at that time I had really needed them too, but I never fussed. 

After a good cry in which I told Amanda that I feel like I'm just not worth anything, that this kind of thing just reinforces it over and over again, that I have these urges to tear my skin off, and that I love her but I don't want to be here anymore, that I can't do this anymore, I called my Mom back angry. I told her that I needed to know what the fuck was going on because I did not get heat sick, over work my body, and stress out over helping Rachel for nothing. She didn't know. So I called my Dad, who was pissed at her for mentioning anything to me in the first place.

Apparently there are some new things happening with my Dad's two jobs. He might get full time. He might become an assistant manger, he might get extra work, or he might get hired at a correctional facility in another county. If none of that works out, my Dad says that they will never dig themselves out of the hole if he loses a week in pay. Grandma and Grandpa can't help them out anymore- which I more than understand. He said he never would have told my mom anything because she is so OCD and fixates on thing, except he had to tell her something because otherwise, she would hound him about not telling her anything. Apparently she kept her mouth shut for a couple weeks but was mad at him and said that he had to tell me himself. Except he didn't want to say anything until he knew something. But I told him, he had to keep me updated because I will have to deal with the air line to get the name on the ticket changed if my cousin Shi-Chan comes in his place, and if she doesn't, then I need to get a refund for the ticket and I need to do all of that soon.

While I was still raw over the crap with my parents, yesterday morning Amanda got a message on her cell phone from one of our apartment managers. They need more information on her 401k. She never signed up for 401k at work, her job automatically signs everyone up for it. The truth of the matter is, we are supposed to be signing a lease this week but they are looking for ANY reason they can use to kick us out. The apartment complex recently became a tax credit complex- which means they want as many low income and state subsidized tenants as they can get because they can charge a higher rent. The tenants will pay a small portion of that and the state will pay the rest. For people like Amanda and I, we don't get charged the higher rent, we get charged a market price. So we don't make them more money. 

I knew, several months ago, they would pull this shit around the wedding time, but tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay- that I wouldn't lose my apartment, that everything would be fine. But this shit with Amanda's 401k, they want to use it to say that we make too much to live here. So, yesterday I began looking for studio apartments or even one bedroom apartment. They are either as much or even more rent than we pay now. I did find a two bedroom for less than we pay but no pets are allowed. Technically, my cats are therapy animals but when you tell an apartment manager that, a lot of them will find some other reason not to let you live there to get out of having to accommodate therapy animals.  

So there was talk of living with Cathy and Francis. FUCK NO! I can't move back to Idaho and live with them in that tiny apartment. Plus they can't have two more animals in there, not with the new management. I would also lose my health insurance and Amanda would have a longer bus ride and we would pay out more in gas for her to drive back into Washington to get to the bus that would take her to work. We could live with Rachel, but I don't want to burden her despite that she offered. 

There was even more talk about finding a housing lender that will lend to people with student loans who are in the first time home buyer's program. We have been assured that they are out there, but we have to find them ourselves. So the thought was that Cathy and Francis would help us get the ernest money and move in with us for 6 months to A) help us out and help us save up a buffer by paying half of everything and B) allow them to pay less money out so they can save to get a better car and find an apartment here in Washington. That could work. Especially if we have more space to escape and find quiet. And we wouldn't have to worry about the cats. 

Where this is a problem, is time. We are getting married in less than a month and we may not have an apartment in less than a month and we have people coming and the fucking wedding! Outwardly, yesterday I was a sobbing mess. I cried every few minutes and couldn't seem to stop. Internally, I was screaming. 

Then, on top of all of that, Rachel called to tell us that we couldn't take our car to her mechanic because he's not certified to get our car up to snuff to pass emissions. That, I can deal with easiely, I just have to find a certified mechanic. The problem we couldn't deal with very well, was that the damned car doesn't seem to want to accept gas when we try to fill it up. Amanda couldn't even get two gallons in yesterday and she said it was spitting the gas out, but the car was almost empty. 

I. Cant. Even!

By the time I got home, after crying most of Sunday and off and on all day yesterday, I turned into this, and attacked my desk to try and put all of this into something I could at least get a grip on and try to handle feasibly. Amanda worked on trying to finish up our wedding ceremony and she made me dinner. Since I fussed a little on facebook, a couple of friends have offered to help in different areas, which is really nice because honestly, most of the time growing up and even as an adult I could do things for other people but they couldn't be bothered to do anything for me and it hurt, a lot. 

Anyway, I have a list. First, I'm going to call my supposed new doctor and see if I can't get an appointment with her this week when Amanda can go in with me. Then I need to call DSHS. Then I need to call the mechanic and see if I can't get the car in. Then I am going to call Rachel's landlord to see if he has any rentals available. Then I need to call a list of lenders to see who will work with us. Then I need to deal with the apartment managers and tell them they will deal with me because Amanda and I are getting married next month and anything pertaining to her will also pertain to me and they can just fucking deal with it.  At some point I need to make lunch and dinner and finish the painting I for Amanda's birthday, pick up the house, and start some laundry, oh and shower. And I have to do all of this without losing my shit or having panic attacks because of being on the phone with strangers. Nope, still haven't been able to shake the phobia of talking on the phone with strangers from the call centers I've worked for. You get told enough times that someone hates you or wants to kill you because you interrupted American Idol or some shit and you just stop wanting to even look at a phone. 

And in all of this, Fiona is trying to help but I know what she really wants is for us to allow her to help so she can move in with us and get out of her shitty situation but really, I will kill her if I live with her. I love her, she's like a sister, but I will kill her. She also wants to start doing spiritual stuff and I just can't even think about setting that up right now. 

So, yeah. I'm going to get on that now that's it's after 8 and businesses are finally open.  I can't decide whether I want to cry or be horribly angry and all I want to do is curl up on my sofa and binge watch anime- because anime always makes me feel better. And I hurt today. Its another fibro flare up day- which doesn't help. So wish me lots of luck, I will need all of it!

    

Lackluster bride, flurry of crafting is upon us, stupid vacuum.

I am going to have to print this picture out as a reminder to myself. 

Our vacuum broke and it is not an easy fix nor is this a good time for it to do so. My friend Rachel and I have both been sewing, she for her bride's maid dress (for another wedding) and me for my bolero. We have bits of thread and fibers from our respective fabrics littering the floor. This wouldn't normally be an issue- at least until the sewing is done- except that I have a certain black cat (Narcisa) who had pica. I have to keep half an eye on her and make sure she doesn't eat anything threads that escape the kitchen table. Last night I had to wrestle my hair brush from her because she was laying on it, rubbing her face on it, which was adorable, until she started eating the few strand of hair between the bristles. She is so bizarre.

The wedding is kind of driving me batty but it is slowly beginning to come together. This morning I finally felt a little brush of confidence in all our efforts. I had a vision of what I wanted and have constantly adapted it to suit what we could afford, and what is practical- in the sense of what I am up for. I haven't exactly been the excited, fluttery bride nor have I been a bridezilla. I've been the "okay, whatever" exhausted, sometimes crying, sometimes approaching everything with lackluster enthusiasm. You'd think, hey I'm getting married, let's do all the things and party. Nope, not me. 

I know I have been overwhelmed by it all. Amanda and I had differing ideas, that was fine. I think we've come up with many compromises and have managed to work each other's ideas together fairly well. She is doing an amazing job writing up the wedding ritual and script (because we are pagan). I haven't really had the wherewithal to do that. I've needed to come at it from a different approach, more hands on, but I've had some trouble there as well. Between fibromalgia flareups, having really bad depression days, nightmares, panic attacks so bad Amanda threatened to take me to the hospital, working the plane ticket fares off with Rachel (so my parents could be here for the wedding), and just trying to generally figure out what the fuck I am doing, it's been really weird. 

I have to remind myself that I had a major surgery seven months ago. My body is probably still adjusting. It most certainly has changed physically, which is something I am still struggling with. The way it's changed almost feels like another betrayal and when I feel betrayed, I immediately want to punish the offender. I don't, but I can't help feeling that way. There is also yet another overwhelming and quietly- yet at times screamingly suffocating sense of loss. It is exhausting. 

While there are other things I have to remind myself of as well and I don't know where I am going or what the hell I am doing a good deal of the time. I know the things I want, but keeping myself going has been a kind of struggle. I keep telling myself to get back up, take another step, and keep moving forward. But to where? To what? What can I do like this? 

Yuck. 

Despite all of this, I am gaining more enthusiasm for the wedding on the whole. I have more sewing to do on my bolero. I am planning on finishing up the jars Rachel decided we needed for decor. She has this vision of luminaries along the path. That's cool, but they need to be finished. I'm thinking about scrapping the wine bottle luminaries because they will overtake the beautiful decorations a friend made. We need something smaller to complement them and I think I know what I want. So, I'll be crafting a lot in the next couple of days and maybe, when all the crafting, is finished, my house will get clean the way I really need it to be cleaned. It is a cluttered mess at the moment and I need to borrow a vacuum and mop the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom floors.  

And I need to write my vows. 

        

Funeral drama and more wedding stuff!

On Wednesday, we drove over to Kellogg Idaho, to attend Amanda's Aunt Nancy's funeral. It was a Catholic funeral and while I have been to more than my fair share of funerals, I've never experienced a Catholic one. I didn't know what to expect but I wasn't expecting that. While it was a nice service, it was rushed. The Priest apparently knew before hand that not a lot of the attendees were of the Catholic persuasion so he was trying to hurry it along. Somehow, I feel that's cheating Aunt Nancy. She was Catholic, she deserves the kind of service she would have wanted. That was my first annoyance. 

My second was that on the way over, Amanda's Mom, in formed us that her Aunt Sandy had heard that we are getting married. Sandy hates gay people. She won't even acknowledge that her own female-to-male- trans Grandson is, in fact, trans, and in a same sex relationship. Well, she apparently spouted that even if we did invite her, she wouldn't go. Amanda's Aunt Lola said "That's fine Sandy, because you're not invited." Which of course pissed Sandy off because she wasn't going to get the opportunity to snub us. So she took it out on us at the funeral. She sat directly behind us and shot us dirty looks. It was so bad, I could feel it. Then, in the dining hall for luncheon, she hurried over to tell us that she was sitting next to Amanda's parents and that we couldn't sit there, as we were pulling out chairs to sit. Amanda and I simply smiled and told her "Okay". Since by that time there weren't any tables left, we found spare chairs and sat down to eat. I told Amanda that she did that on purpose. Amanda agreed. The church staff saw us sitting in a corner, at the back of the room, and found a table for us and Amanda's autistic cousin Amber- who is a sweet and very innocent girl. 

Well, as we were eating lunch with her cousin, one of Amanda's older, adult cousins was standing behind her and just looking at Amanda like she was the most disgusting thing on the planet. No, I am not exaggerating. This man, last I was told, still will not speak to his gay daughter. It is appalling. To make matters worse, he decided to poke at poor Amber. Her mother and Aunt Nancy didn't get along and so Amber's Mom chose to stay home and baby sit for one of Amber's older siblings. Well Amanda;s older male cousin kept asking her where her mom was. Amber got so upset and told him to stop. I have never seen her so upset. He just laughed and walked away. If I had not been at a funeral, I would have ripped him apart, but I have far too much respect for Nancy and for Amanda's Mother to cause more drama than there already had been with Nancy's kids.

Also, while we were at the funeral, two of Amanda's family member decided to take the opportunity to inform us that they WOULD be at our wedding or tell us "I had BETTER be invited".  Excuse me?! We were at a funeral. It wasn't about us, it was about Aunt Nancy. Furthermore, why the hell would we invite people who never speak to us on a normal day, who we barely know, and wouldn't have anything to do with if they weren't family? Amanda and I think they just want to come as spectators, like we are the freaks in a freak show and they want to spread the sensational event as gossip at drunken family events. No thank you! They can just fuck right on off. We don't want and or need that kind of bullshit at something we hold very scared and personal, nor do we need people snicker or bad mouthing it later on. 

Normally this kind of crap wouldn't bother me so much, but the way in which they did this, and that it was at a funeral, really got to me. By the time we left, I felt very alienated. My depression monster took my hand and led me down a dark spiral. It's bad enough that I am a lesbian and that hurts my Grandma. She doesn't know I am Pagan but if she did, it might just kill her because she is so Christian and is terrified that I won't be with her in Heaven someday. She's said as much when I was younger and she was worried about my parents not going to church. Anyway, so I won't be able to share this with her. The only relatives I will have, will be my parents. My cousin Shi-chan can't make it. But what really got me, is that none of my friends have even bothered to say "congrats". I don't need them to come, I know money is tight for nearly everyone, but if I can remember to get on facebook and tell them happy birthday, wouldn't it stand that a little recognition that I'm getting married be a given? Perhaps not. 

There is one friend from my high school days who has contacted me to tell me that she would love to come to my wedding. At first I was excited at the prospect but realized that I wasn't going to have room for her and I wasn't going to ask my friends here to house her. She's a bit strange and recently judgemental. She used to be pagan but became a born again chrisitan. That didn't really bother me until she started talking shit about gay people and their right to get married. She was very against. So when I asked if that meant that I was a bad person and if she didn't like me anymore, she said, "not you, you;re okay." I about flipped my shit. You don't get to pick and choose which gay people get married and which don't or for that matter which gays are okay and which ones aren't. 

Anyway, I spoke to Amanda about her coming and despite all the anti-gay stuff, the uber christian stuff, I still wanted to see my friend. Amanda and I decided that since we don't really have the room for her for the wedding, she could come for a visit after the wedding and that way we could truly hang out. I mean she's the first friend from back home that has actually wanted to come visit me. But when I told my friend that, she replied with "a visit is different from a wedding. I am okay with crashing on sofas or the floor". Are you fucking kidding me? that sounds like she just wants to come see a freak wedding and not actually spend any real time with me and Amanda at all. I'm trying to look at it as she just worded it wrong. She did say that she would have to talk her her husband about it, but honestly at this point, with everything. No, just no. I don't have time for this. 

But that's the negative stuff. The positive is that our friend Rachel came over last night to begin helping me with my bolero jacket for the wedding. We didn't actually get much done, but we did go and exchange the pattern I had for a bigger one and discuss what I wanted. I also bought some fall hand soap from the fabric store. It was on a 5 for $5 deal and I freaking love that stuff! We took Tsuki along because she needed some fabric quarters and some teal embroidery thread. She also wanted to grab some food. 

The other good and positive wedding thing is that Amanda has started the framework for our handfasting ceremony. I haven't really been in the right mid set to help her much, but I saw what she had this morning and I'm starting to get there. I need to write my vows and see if there is anything else I want, like a poem or a reading of some kind, to be read during the ceremony. I am not sure what I want yet. 

Lastly, I have a picture of one of the invitations I made. They aren't spectacular, but we like them. I blurred out some things in the bottom picture, so I'd maintain a bit more privacy. You understand.  

    

   

Mild productivity, invitations, wedding stuff, and written role play

As Amanda's and my wedding day looms closer and closer, we're starting to feel the pressure. We've both had a couple of nightmares about things not being done. I still have sewing to do, some addresses to gather so we can finish sending out invitations, and quite a few things left to make. While we'd like to invite everyone we love and adore, because of lack of space to for people to stay and the fact that we are trying to pull this off on a sorely tiny budget (Amanda's income), we have to keep the guest list very small. However, a friend mentioned recording the event, so if that does happen, I will be able to share that video so people who can't attend can still see it. 

Budget and keeping the guest list small aside, we've run into a few minor issues. The first being that we've had a hell of a time finding a cake topper. Being in same sex relationship, we wanted two female figures and we wanted it to be along the Gothic/Fantasy theme. We toyed with getting D&D figures to paint. We tossed around some idea for making them ourselves. And then we stumbled on "Sisters", a figure cast from the picture above, from Selena French. We both really like her art and while purple isn't one of our colors, it is pale enough and runs along our theme enough, that we decided this was our best option. We aren't sisters, obviously, but it doesn't matter. It is two females and we fell in love with it pretty instantly. 

The second was figuring out a guest book. I wanted something unique that we could display. A vlogger I follow on Youtube used a globe of the world. I wanted something that would tie into out theme, and decided why not a skull. Amanda was keen on the idea and so we waited until the Halloween decor came out to begin our search. We found a black polyresin at Michaels and bought silver sharpies for people to sign it with. 

I really wanted to make the invitations myself to keep costs down. But there I ran into another problem. Amanda and I couldn't agree on some mock ups I made on the computer. She wanted something 3-D. So we played with some ideas and finally agreed on one. Unfortunately I don't have one to show at the moment, they are all sealed up. However, I did hand deliver a couple to some very close friends so I will try to get a picture of one of theirs next time I am at their house. I, of course, sent one to my parents, mostly to see if my handmade black envelopes with silver shaprie lettering would go through the mail. It did, so that's a relief.  I've finished making the invites today and am waiting on a couple addresses. As soon as we get more stamps, they will be in the mail.
 We still have much to do, but things are beginning to come together, and while I am having kind of crap day, I'm being mildly productive, so that is something. 

My depression monster is being a rife bitch. I think it's mostly the pain talking today, but I'm also dealing with a lack of self esteem, and some guilt (Amanda says my guilt is as if I'm a Catholic school girl with a Jewish mother. Seriously, I apologize for nearly everything). I was outside earlier this morning, frustrated over physical pain, something I said last night, frustrated that I was frustrated, and half a dozen other things, when the thought "I must have been a real bastard" in a past life hit me. This is not an uncommon thought. Since I seem to keep having this though, I tried to turn it on itself and figure out what lessons I'm being taught by the situations I've had and issues I am facing/dealing with. Humility? I think I'm pretty humble all ready. I thought about a couple of other things that kind of took a negative turn, so I left it for another time. The point was to turn it into a positive. 

I think I have mentioned that Amanda is doing a written role play with me. She's trying to get back into writing and I'm trying to keep writing. It has been a really long time since we have done one together and we missed it, I think. We are keeping it light, semi-fluffy, and keeping it 'no pressure'. We post when we can and want to post, which is really helpful. So far it's been pretty fun. My character is an epileptic, very particular, semi-ocd, introverted college senior and nerd. Her's is a dashing, young, college literary instructor with sad and wounded past. So far so good, we are both really enjoying where the story is going.        

Its a lot worse than it looks, 2 months away, where the fuck is the glue?!

There are things I haven't talked about, things that are very serious, things that I've been too afraid to mention to anyone except Amanda. The reasons are that I already vent a lot of my frustrations here and while I have repeatedly stated that this is primarily what this blog is for, I hold back good deal. My perception is that anyone who stumbles across this already thinks I am a wimpy whiny bitch with slight rage issues that can't hack it. Well, maybe, but I think a good deal of it has to deal with some heavy blows that cut a little deeper, or knocked me down a little harder than I was expecting. 

Things are really bad and they have been for a long time, under the surface, and I've hidden as best as I could but ts finally too much again and I'm really cracking. My wedding is 2 months away and I should be excited but most of the time when I think about it, I just cry. My parents reluctance has hurt me really bad. Even after I talked to my Mom and asked point blank if they wanted to come and she said they really truly do, I still feel the hesitancy. I know they feel bad because I bought their tickets, because I am going to have to take care of them while they are here, and so, but isn't that what family is supposed to do? I don't care, I just want want to see them and share this moment with them. I just want to have time to share with them where I live. 

The second part is that I am scared that I am not going to fit into my wedding dress. After the hysterectomy my body changed and my flabby fat stomach shifted downward a little. My core muscles were cut into and were weak.  It's awful. I sometimes get painful rashes between my stomach fat and my thighs. I still have pain in the incision area and it till aches when I go to the bathroom sometimes. My back hurts more. I can't get comfortable standing, sitting, and especially not laying down. Sometimes the dull incessant aches of things drive me crazy and I can't stand it. I've told Amanda a couple of times that if I gain any more weight, I'm just going kill myself because nothing is working and I can't do anything without being in such pain I want to tear my skin off. Sometimes I hit myself because I am so furious with my body. I just want it to give me a little so I can make it better. 

I recently had blood work done and I got my results. My TSH levels were high and I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up. Apparently it has to do with your thyroid and my levels have all the characteristics or symptoms of Hypothyroidism. To double check the information I was reading, I asked a friend who has thyroid problems. They said, yes, my levels were high and welcome to the "hypo club".  But because I always want to discuss things with my doctor, I decided to see what she said. Only I didn't get to talk to my doctor, her nurse called to give me the results. My anemia is better, but they want send me back to OBGYN to see if my fatigue is hormone related. Why can't she do the tests for that herself? Secondly they want me to watch my sugar intake because my blood sugar was 113 fasting- which is within the normal range and the first blood plannel she did on me a couple of months ago said my A1C was perfect. She said nothing about my thyroid so I asked. the nurse said it wasn't a concern and left it at that. How is it not a concern when on the result it is red marked and there is even a little low-norm-high bar and I'm marked in the high section and according to all the sources Amanda found on the internet, I'm way above where I should be. 

This is so frustrating. It feels like my doctor doesn't want to deal with. That because I am fat, I just need to move. Well, yeah, but if there is something wrong that is keeping me this way, I can move all I want, push myself to keep going, fight through the pain, and it won't do me a damn bit of good. It hasn't so far. The worst part is that I get so overwhelmed and have been told over and over again that if I just lose weight, I won't have issues anymore, that I almost can't bring anything up. Except that if I lose the weight, I will still have a herniated disk and fibromyalgia. Those things affect one of my skinny friends too and she's often been just as miserable with pain and shit as I am. Amanda has decided that I am no longer allowed to go to the doctor without her or her mother to advocate for me because I can't seem to do so for myself. As much as that is a relief, it scares me. My doctor will want to up my depression meds or switch them and if we do that, I'm going to gain more weight. it happens every time. 

When I write this stuff out, it seems to stupid and the rational part of my brain says, it's going to be okay, one step at time, don't give up, you can do this. But none of this stops for me. I can distract myself. I can focus or try to focus  on other things but something will hurt, or I will move wrong, or a random thought will pop into my head, or I will be trying to set up a wedding party planning meeting, or even trying to clean my house, and I just- the depression monster slips in like a sly bitch and whispers a little something and I just can't. Its driving me crazy. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I look at the mess my house has become and instantly feel guilt for not feeling up to cleaning it, because that means I'm not contributing. I feel even worse when I have thoughts like "I actually need help with this, I'm overwhelmed". The last time I vacuumed, which I have been told not to do on account of my back, I over did it and hurt myself. It makes me so angry. I like cleaning my house and I can't do it on my own anymore and I'm fucking 33 years old. I've lost so much control and independence that I'm desperately clinging to any that I have left. I keep telling myself it could be worse, but that's hardly an uplifting thought. 

I'm right back to the point where I have panic attacks so bad, Amanda want to take me to the hospital.  I'm right back to having thoughts that I am a burden, a parasite, and I'm so tired to fighting to try to stay more positive and make myself get out of bed and do something productive, even something that makes me happy, that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake back up. I have these awful random thoughts of cutting my fat off with scissors to get the weight off just so I can get some relief. It is really and truly bad and I'm scared. I think the only reasons I haven't ended it, is because I don't want my parents to outlive anther kid, or to leave Amanda alone, or my cats, and I don't want to make my friends sad. 

I am trying. I'm using coping techniques that I got from my therapist. I am doing some things that I enjoy to help inspire my creativity, that make me happy or excited, and I am taking time for myself and saying to some things. I even cancelled a meeting with my wedding party because the house isn't clean (it needs picked up, dusted, swept an vacuumed), I knew Amanda and I were both too tired and or sore to get it done in time. I also didn't think I could handle several people at once an certainly did not want to have a cry in front of them.         

Nope! This just isn't working.

I know I don't get everything I want. I know it doesn't hurt me to want. I've been told "No" so many times in my life that when someone says it, it doesn't really bother me and I am quite comfortable doing without, waiting, or working really hard to get what I want myself. My patience is limited but at the same time large in quantity. I am also pretty resilient most of the time and pretty adaptable. However, today is not my day. 

I don't think my parents actually want to come to my wedding. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know where I went wrong. Did I really ask too much?

I was never able to get the wedding dress I wanted for lack of funds, sewing experience, and so on. Amanda and I did the best we could with that we had and I am readjusting to make it amazing despite that but it is still a bit upsetting and kind of a disappointment. I'm pretty sure that everyone else will be better dressed than me and look really good in what they will be wearing. I am hugely fat so nothing looks good on me no matter how hard I try. 

I've been fighting with leg swelling since before my hysterectomy and it's only within the last few days that I've had normal sized legs and feet- they looked mottled by the way for which I am talking to my doctor about, could just be from the fibromyalgia but just in case I want her to look at everything. I ordered a size larger than I wear for shoes for my wedding got a decently priced pair even. As in mine were more affordable than Amanda's and hers were even decently priced. Anyway, they arrived today and they don't fit. Amanda and Rachel could put them on, they were snug on them, but for having normal sized feet for once, for my feet being smaller than Amanda's, but I couldn't get my feet in them. 

Why must everything I do or try to do or every "should be beautiful" life event in my life be met with struggle and tears. Why do I have to fight all the time? 

Its not totally doom and gloom. I have some pretty great friends who are making this whole event for Amanda and I not a total wash. I can't even express how much I appreciate and love them for that. I think if it weren't for Amanda and my friends, I don't know that I could do any of it. 

And now for a post that makes sense, Bat Fit 2017, mouse fails.

We have a bit more snow than this...quite a bit more. In fact, I was taking a friend to her doctor's appointment today and Amanda's Kia Optima got temporarily in the snow, going up a hill. It was exciting- apart from the old man yelling at me. A note on that, it is more effective to calmly give me instructions than to scream them at me.

Okay, because I am unsure how much I got into my last post about Narcisa and all my attempts to read said post have been unsuccessful, I'm going to update her situation now. Amanda and I took our furry princess to the vet because her voice sounded awful and we had suspicions that she was sick. There was also a fear that she was really sick due to her penchant for eating whole pawfuls of fireplace ash. Seriously, we were fighting her to stop, moving the ash bucket, covering the ash bucket. As it turns out the Vet thinks Narcisa is a freak for eating the ash, has never had a cat who has done that, and considering her love of eating random things, she has pica. Further, he thinks that she may have caught the little cold that Throin brought home with him when we adopted him and it was wearing off. But because she growled and hissed so much on top of eating ash, her throat is basically just aggravated and if she doesn't get better in a week or so, we are to take her back in. She is getting better though.

Bat Fit 2017 Link

Bat fit is something that I have been interested in for the last couple of years. Some of my blogger friends have participated in that time and it just seemed like something kind of out of my reach, per se.  Well this year, I am going to take a stab at it with a sharp stick and see what happens. So to revisit my list from a previous blog addressing something similar to this, I'm going to go into more detail about what those things mean and a little of my action plans on how to work on them. These are not really resolutions, they aren't even really goals, they are just things I want to work on so as not to set myself up for failure. The idea is to have positive experiences, not stress myself out and tear myself down trying to achieve things outside my limits. 

1. Health

While my overall health appears to be good- at least according to my blood work, minus anemia, I am over weight. In fact, if I were to use the clinical term "Morbidly obese". I have been struggling with my weight for over the last decade, clear back to the end of high school. From depression to fucked up period patterns and horrible heavy bleeding, and medication, none of this has been easy. Thrown in fibromyaliga and a herniated disk plus an affinity for sedentary activities (reading, writing, movie watching, sewing, and other various crafts), I've been fighting an up hill battle. Actually, I fight it even when I've gone to the gym and swam every day or done an mile on the elliptical every day.  Do I want to lose weight? Yes, of course, there are far too many lovely Goth fashions I want to wear. Plus making and buying clothes would be cheaper too. But I am not going to make myself miserable trying to lose weight. I could run myself ragged and never get anywhere.  

Instead, Amanda and I are going to start the weightloss hypnotherapy disks left over from a few years ago. It had been working a little bit but then we lost control of what food we ate when we lost our food stamps and her mother was buying and cooking our meals. I kind of just said fuck it and threw in the towel. So, back to that and eating smaller portions. We don't typically eat too terribly anyway. I try to maintain a high protein diet with veggies and fruit. We are also going to start a yoga regimen with a friend of ours. I will do that until I have my hysterectomy, take some time off for that, and then once healed, go back to doing it. 

2. Writing

Writing is hard for me. I've had really negative thoughts about it. The joy of it has been sucked clean from it and it became more of a chore than anything else. There are several reasons why, most of which stem from crippling lack of self esteem, self loathing, self doubt, and outside factors beyond my control. When that went, one of the foundations for my personal "joy" was snuffed out. I've been trying for the last year to get it back and that in and of itself has been an internal fight. I've thought many times that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a writer anymore, that that ship had sailed, and that I am desperately holding onto something that was never meant to be. Those thoughts hurt me in ways I can't describe. So, maybe there is hope yet. 

I would like to begin a writing group. I'm also going to write at least 6 hours a week as prescribed by Brandon Sanderson (author of the Mistborn series) from his college writing course. It is on Youtube and the link is here  . 

3. Wedding

We don't have a lot of money for this venture in our lives, but we we want to make it as nice as possible. I'm going to start a Gofundme page to help get my parents up for the wedding just as soon as I get over my hang up of begging other people for money to make something good happen in my life. Because that is what this feels like.  Secondly, I want it to be as easy and smooth as possible. We've enlisted one friend to help with some projects and will probably be enlisting a couple of others.  As for one of our big stumbling blocks, dresses, If I can't find what I like on Torrid come prom season, I have patterns to make what I want and have informed Amanda as such. She said okay. 

4. Crafts

In general, I'm going to work on various craft projects in various mediums, as the year progresses. From sewing, paper crafts, painting, and crochet, I want to get a couple of big projects finished by next Yule. 

5. Heathen and Witch Study and practices

There are books I have been meaning to read that I feel I am ready for. There is a lot I wish to learn and I do have some ideas of what I want to explore where I feel drawn to go spiritually. Frankly there are also somethings that I have always wanted to do- like learn to read Tarot and Runes and so forth. I also want to explore Seidr. 

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more

Ever since high school I have had a goal to read 20 books a year. I don't always achieve that goal, some years I only get 5 read and some years I manage 42. Reading expands knowledge and helps to hone writing and vocab, shows style and so on. Plus it is really fun. 

7. Quiet time for myself as well as Amanda and I, together.

I need self care time that I don't beat myself up about. I am terrible with that. In fact, I often feel guilt for taking time to myself when I should be doing this or that. It only keeps the self hatred cycle going. So, I am going to try and do some things for myself whether coloring a picture, taking time to do crafts or read, watch a show or movie, or just sit and listen to music. I also want to get back to doing things that make me feel pretty, like putting on make up and doing my hair every day. Painting my finger nails, plucking my eyebrows and so on. 

I also want to have time just for Amanda and I. We need time to watch movies together, to talk, to go out and do things even if it is just to go for a drive. So much of our lives is surrounded by other people and while we love our friends, sometimes, we just need time to be together. 

Anyway, those are things I'm working on for Bat Fit 2017. If they all happen or they all go anywhere good, I will be pleased, but I'm not going to beat myself up about not getting everything done. 

Lastly, I bought a new gaming mouse so I could play Eveonline a little easier. It seems that this mouse and I are not getting along very well at the moment. I am going to do some trouble shooting and if it doesn't work like it is supposed to, I can hopefully send it back.

For now, I need to work on making fruit sushi and chicken teriyaki sushi for dinner. Amanda was supposed to do it but she's fallen asleep... again. 

2017 beginning with no illusions.

2016 is over and we are 3 days into 2017. I can honestly say that I have no expectations for this year to be any better or any worse than the last. I have hopes that it will be better; Amanda and I are getting married this October. But then again the wedding, at this point in time, is a source of heart break for me. When I think about what should be one of the happiest days of my life, I'm filled with dread and feel the urge to vomit. It's not pre-wedding jitters or even the ceremony or dresses or normal things, its that my parents aren't planning to be there. This isn't because they don't want to be. It isn't because they are morally opposed to my religious/ spiritual choices or even that they are opposed to be marrying a woman. In fact, my parents want me to get married and be happy. No, it's that they don't have the money to come up and I'm not sure Amanda and I will have the money to help them get up. Friends have helped me search for alternative modes of transportation and my Dad even suggested we Skype the damned ceremony. I could do that, I could spend all my time worrying about whether or not cell reception is working, if the connection will hold, if my Parents can see and hear it. But I wanted my Mom to fuss over my hair and I want my Dad to walk me down the isle. But like Great Grandma Ireland always said, "It doesn't hurt you to want". Except in this case, it really does. So, fuck it all. I'm taking a friend's suggestion and I am going to start a "Go Fund Me" page dedicated toward air fair or gas to get my parents from Kansas to Washington. 

Narcisa has been sick lately. We thought it was just a cold that would clear up on its own, but her voice sounds awful. I made her an appointment today with the vet and will be taking her Thursday. Hopefully we can figure out what's wrong with her and help her feel better. She and Thorin are getting along. She even let him cuddle her last night. It was quite cute. 

On to the picture above. I think I mentioned that I was beginning to play EVEOnline- the free version of course- and if I didn't, well, now you know. There is a lot to this game, no really, there is. You can basically do anything in it and its really neat. So far, for a hour or so that I have played, I like the graphics, the music, and while there's a lot to learn, I think I will get the hang of it. 

Back to the new year. I did not make resolutions and haven't really since middle school. So instead I made a list of things I want to work on. They don't have to be complete, since any are on going works, have been, and will be for many years to come. I made a list of seven, just because I thought that was a reasonable and feesable number, and I like odd numbers.

1. Health

2. Writing

3. Wedding

4. Crafts- sewing to painting and so on

5. Heathen and Witch study and practices

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more

7. Quiet time for myself as well as time for just Amanda and I. 

Lastly, Amanda and I went to the Garland Theatre here in town to see Princess Mononoke on the big screen. I really love this theatre because they show old movies and Anime and they aren't horribly expensive. In fact, we only paid 5.00 dollars to get in tonight. We might go to the Labyrinth next week.  

Bathroom adventures, blogging is better than homework, and other things.

My star lantern

I am blogging because I'm dreading my lit homework. Its not that its particularly hard, I just don't like it and think a good deal of it is a waste of time and a load of crap. More to the point, it is one of those classes where I feel I could have gotten the jest of the whole class from web article in brief rather than an 8 week course and an instructor who just might be as stressed as I am, if not a little nuts. That said, I don't particularly like the book I have to do my thesis paper on either. 

Still not having an easy time of it here at home but my friend Fiona came up for a few days. She and I got out of the house a couple of times. She's been a bit helpful too since my back has been acting up again and I am really weak from my period. I don't think she quite understands exactly how weak I do get and how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning. This morning was no exception, felt like I fought to stay awake after she first came in to wake us up for a good ten minutes. And then, once I was up, I had a hell of a time trying to get around. Seriously, my back hurt and I was having trouble moving my feet without wanting to vomit and pass out. I still got dressed and I still went with her and Amanda into CDA to take Fiona to St. Vinnie's thrift store so she could look around and meet her mother. Fiona doesn't drive so she Mom brings her into town. Anyway, it was rough but we did stop long enough to have lunch with another friend before coming home. Which was kind of nice. I broke down and took a pain pill, which did help, a little. 

Fiona told me about a place to go in CDA for mental health where I can get in to see a councilor and its on a sliding fee scale. I think that is a good idea and I am at the point where I think I really do need to see a therapist again. But this time I am going to make sure that I see one that doesn't have a problem treating a gay pagan with a debilitating back injury and who won't fat shame me and chalk everything up to my weight. I will impress upon who ever this person is, that I was struggling with depression and anxiety long before I got fat. Of course I will do this politely. There's no reason to upset anyone and I am simply seeking fair care. I've given up on my medical doctor. Its great what she's been able to do thus far, but at this point she can't do any more for me, except prescribe pills that I can't afford. So, I'm not going to see her again unless I am horribly sick.

I've done a little shopping recently and I wouldn't have except that Amanda and I are looking to move out of her parents house soon and there are a few things that we need.  We found some decent cookware, a hand mixer, and a really good blender on clearance at Wal-Mart. We also picked up some silverware, it's not the best or anything fantastic, but it will do us just fine. I was going to make pot holders but ended up getting a few and some kitchen towels along with them. I can make more pot holders later. We got a few towels and wash cloths and I went to the Dollar Tree yesterday and picked up measuring cups, measuring spoons, a pitcher for tea, and a veggie peeler. For some reason, getting that stuff, made me feel better, made me feel like there was some hope. 

Yesterday, while Fiona and I were out, we had to make a run to Wal-Mart for a few things. We were on our way out and I had to use the bathroom. So I told Fiona to meet me at the door while I went. On my way into the bathroom I noticed a football poster on the wall and thought to myself that the employees must really like football. Then I noticed that were were only two stalls. The larger stall had pee all over the floor so I back out of it and used the smaller one. When I was finished and walking out of it, I noticed that there were two urinals and thought that I must have gone into the family bathroom. Only when I was washing my hands did I realize that that no, I wasn't in the family bathroom, I was in the Men's bathroom and hoped that no one came in until I was finished. Well on my way out, a man was walking in and I said, "Yeah, I thought as much." He laughed at me and I hurried along to meet up with Fiona. You know, if we'd just gone to the Wal-Mart I usually go to, this wouldn't have been an issue. But, because we went to another Wal-Mart, I didn't think to check the signs before walking into the bathroom and therefore didn't know that they were in the opposite places from my Wal-Mart. 

Other than that, I haven't really been up to too much. Amanda and I have started planning our wedding/handfasting. That's kind of brought on whole extra round of depression in that I don't know that my family, namely my parents and Cousin Shi-Chan, will be able to come unless we pay for them to come. I talked to my Mom about it tonight and she said she would rather I spent the money on my honeymoon. She doesn't understand that I would be devastated if she and my Dad didn't make it and that my honeymoon would be ruined by it. It really would. I can do a honeymoon with Amanda anytime after we are married. Besides, even as low budget and simple as we are keeping it all, I wasn't planning on doing a honeymoon until later anyway. But that's another matter for another day. Tonight, I have to get some homework done and then get to bed. My back is still hurting and I am exhausted.