Soap is finally cut, my doctor, and feeding depression with pickles.

I know I said I was going to do it a couple of days ago, but I just didn't get to cutting the soap until today and I think today, I on'y did it because I needed to get it off the kitchen table and since I was going to do that, I told myself that it needed to be cut. So, it is cut and sitting in two large Tupperware containers with parchment paper between the soap and the plastic. Of course, it is still sitting on the table, but most of the table is cleaned off. I suppose that is progress. Only it really isn't because I tossed most of what was on the table on the floor.

I called and cancelled my doctor's appointment today. I was supposed to take Amanda to the park and ride and she did wake me up at 6:20 am for a shower like I asked her to. I was so tired last night that I just went to bed. Well, I asked to sleep just a little longer and Amanda forgot about my appointment and went to work. I tried to get a hold of a friend but couldn't and I didn't have a bus pass. Well, apparently I should have tried harder to get there because my doctor's office called and told me that they need 24-48 hours cancellation notice and that to reschedule, I will need to go in and pay a 50 dollar fee. The nurse also told me that they don't have any lab records for me. I explained that I was under the impression that I would get a call from the lab place to set up an appointment. Nope, not the case, I was just supposed to fast for 12 hours and then show up to have lab work done. The nurse also informed me that they did hear back from the GYN that they referred me to but didn't give me an appointment or even any information. I was told nothing about the councilor I am supposed to be referred to. That fucking sucks. 

Which brings me to the depression.

I've been trudging along, pushing through stuff and burring feelings, forcing myself to do things I know I just don't have the energy for. How is this different from any other time that I've vented, whined, and cried about my depressive state? It is different in that while I don't want to kill myself I don't feel like I could be happy with never waking up again, I am hitting bottom in a different way. 

A couple of years ago, I used to get up, do my hair, do my make up, dress nice. I had a job, my own car, and kept my and Amanda's apartment clean. Sure we would have a little clutter now and then, but it was clean. We kept up on laundry. I plucked my eyebrows, I took showers every other day. 

Today, to be frighteningly honest, I haven't showered in two weeks. I can't remember the last time I plucked my eyebrows or wore make up. Sure I've made efforts to wear nicer clothes. I refuse to look at myself in the mirror. I am so overwhelmed by what would probably only take me an hour's worth of cleaning to do, that I've sat and cried most of the morning. More than that, I'm so overwhelmed by my homework and this week it is easy. I only have to read the text book and a link, do an annotated notation on it for the discussion board and then do the same for four of my narrative paper sources. No big deal. But I've panicked and cried over that. I don't know what my issue is with the damned shower. Yes, it is small. Yes, the humidity really gets to me, but I had some fixes for that. I have had trouble with this damned shower since we moved in and have wracked my brain over why I don't like, why I never want to go in it. I'm coming up with nothing except that I am depressed. Amanda asked me last night if I get a bad feeling when I am in there. The only thing I can think of is that once I step in, I want out as soon as possible and have to try to keep the panic down until I am out. That has never happened to me before and I am a totally water baby, I love the water. 

Worst of all, there are somethings that I am trying to set up for myself. Camp NaNoWriMo is this month. I haven't written anything. The office is in a way that I can go in and write. But that overwhlems me too. I am trying to do some research for a couple of other things, things I really want to do and those things overwhelm me. 

I am so overwhelmed that I can't move and its fucking ridiculous. I have got to get control of this. There is so much that I want to do. I feel like I am locked in a cage in a pit and my depression is standing at the lip with a cement truck, dangling the key and every day filling my pit with more and more cement. And while it does it, it's stripping away little bits of me every day.

In effort to not let the asshole win, I'm going to take some headache medicine, because I have a horrible headache from crying. I am going to lay down for a nap for a little bit, and later, I will force myself to get dressed and cleanup a little. And yeah, I already had my impulse eating and ate a pickle. At least they don't have calories. 

Unintended break, Captian America dress, too much and D&D

It was too good to be true

Somehow this term I ended up taking an unexpected and unintended break from the blogging world. I think I just got overwhelmed with homework and everything going on, with the people around me and so on that I just kind of pushed things to the wayside until I could get a break enough to get my head back where it needs to be. I will get more into that later.

The pretty ring set pictured above was supposed to be my engagement/wedding ring set from Amanda. We found it on a great deal online and I was so excited the moment it came in the mail. Sadly, it has to be returned. The plating began to chip off right away. I couldn't believe how fast it did and I babied the rings. There is definite disappointment, but I will find something else.

Okay, so while my school workload wasn't nearly as bad as it has been in the past couple of terms, the work took just about as much time to complete. It was fun and it was frustrating. Especially when my instructor in my art class couldn't seem to make up her mind whether or not I was supposed to submit my self critique just in the discussion board or also in the main posting area. It was weird but hey, I have a B in the class, so that's all I care about at the moment. The other class I did very well in and actually learned some useful things, was reminding of things pertaining to writing and I am excited about. 

Summer doesn't seem to be shaping up to be smooth and relaxing this year It has become jam packed against my wishes. To kick it off, we had insanity from Amanda's Mom while she was stressing which in turn drive everyone nuts. No, really, I had people who came to Amanda's Graduation party stressed out because of her. Not good. 

Anyway, we had the IEPG camp out and I was very busy before and during. I had a lot of fun though, which was the most important thing. The night we came home from the camp out we had company, Amanda's cousins from Seattle. And then we had her Graduation Party. Now she won't Graduate until July 18th, but we did the party early so any money she got from that she could take with her. Why? Because her school insisted that she have medical insurance and wanted to charge her 700 dollars for insurance she can't use here in her home state and will only need for 10 days. She absolutely has to have it. No if and or buts about it. She managed to get a discount so it's only 200 buck. Well that's how much she got from friends and family at her party. Seriously, this country is so screwed up as far as health care is concerned. Before if you didn't have insurance, you just paid out of pocket. Now you have to do that and you have to pay a penalty fee for not being able to afford it. What the hell kind of sense does that make? Moving on.

This week we have the July Moon, which I am doing tonight and I have no idea what we are doing for the 4th yet, but it will be something. After that Amanda leaves for Boston on the 8th. At some point we have her family reunion, which I really don't want to go to. To be honest, I don't like a good majority of her family. Hell, I don't like a good majority of mine, those that I know. We are supposed to drive down near Orifino to a camp ground and will be hot, I'll be around people who stare and make me feel awkward and who I have nothing to say to and even though I probably have some things in common with them, they are too judgmental for me to want to deal with. The upside is that there are a few who are nice and I actually do like. 

I know we have some other things going on this summer, I just can't remember them right off the top of my head. There are some IEPG things happening that I will go to. 

We've begun playing D&D with the neighbors every couple of days after their kids go to bed. It;s been nice and a lot of fun! Honestly, I think if I hadn't made friends with my neighbor and could escape over to her house as easily, I might have lost it. I think I have surpassed my limit of shit-tolerance from Amanda's parents. They are good people and I do love them but lately there are days that I find myself almost hating them and that's when I know I need to get away. I don't want to hate them. 

Lastly, my favorite Avenger is Capt. America and Amanda got me the Capt. America dress from Torrid when it became available. She bought herself the Loki dress, which I don't have a full picture of at the moment. I have a red cover up to go with it and I want to find some red shoes eventually. Please excuse my hair, for making it cute, the wind killed it that day. Oh and that dress is actually a little bit big. I am going to have to take it in, especially at the top. No that's not my house, we were at the clubhouse where Aunt Lola live. We did it there so we could swim afterward.