The Trump thing, The Planed Parenthood thing, catching it from both sides of the field.

Found on pinterest

Normally, I don't really do these kinds of posts and when I have, they have been few and far between. There is always someone who wants to make a stink about them, call me uneducated, or drag me through the dirt for my opinions despite the fact that my opinions are just as valid as theirs and while they might differ, they do not make me evil.  So this is my take on the political scene here in America. 

Keep in mind that I hear arguments from both sides- conservative and liberal. 

The Planned Parenthood issue. Abortions are not the only services Planned Parenthood offer. however, my Dad mentioned that Planned Parenthood's main function is abortions. I don't truly agree with that assessment, besides, wouldn't you rather have a professional do it than have someone die from trying to do it themselves or an unprofessional do it? Personally, abortion is not for me, but I will never tell anyone else what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. I am not them. My opinion doesn't really matter, nor do my values or belief system. Do I want to pay for someone to have an abortion, no, not really, not unless it is a medical necessity, but I would much rather pay for an abortion than have to pay for the growing welfare problem (one which I am part of by my need for food stamps and health care at the moment), but either way, it is what it is and I think P.P. is a good thing to have around. 

In addition to Planned Parenthood, we seriously need to revamp the sexual education approach in our schools. I know a lot of parents don't like the school teaching their kids about this, but a lot of parents are too uncomfortable to talk to their kids about it in the first place. Sex education should not just be one class in primary school and one class in high school. It needs to be addressed all the time. The problem is people are coming away from school not knowing basic things. People aren't seeing that actions and choices have consequences, some of the irreversible, permanent, and life threatening. Of course this doesn't mean that it will stop people from making mistakes or that they will even heed warnings or pay attention to information, but it will help those that do and for those that make mistakes, they will have some knowledge of how to go about dealing with issues. 

And in addition to that, someone needs to take the girls aside and tell them about the different complications that can arise with their own bodies as far as cancer and their periods. So we don't have women in their 30s desperately trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when they have an on going period for years. So we don't have people in so much pain and not knowing why. Because doctors won't tell you, they just pass it off. You don't get real answers unless you do your own research and you go to a gynecologist. We also need to have doctors who stop fighting women on getting hysterectomies. Sometimes, the shit just needs to go. Besides, there are so many children stuck in the system, who are unwanted, that we women who couldn't have children if we kept our equipment, could happily adopt and give loving homes to.   Sorry, got off on a small tangent. 

A lot of people are up in arms about being denied access birth control. No, that's not true, what's happening is that it will no longer be free. Which for someone like me, would suck really bad. Because most of the women who take birth control aren't taking it to stop pregnancies they are taking it in hopes of regulating their periods. So, yeah, I think its kind of shitty. And yes, I do see it as another hit against women in general. Men don't have these problems, so why would they care? 

On to the Trump issue. First of all, I don't like him. I think he is a complete moron, I don't think he really understood what he was getting himself into, and I am not looking forward to the next four years and I think he is a complete sexist twat waffle. Also, I hate the racism and sexism his campaign incited. Did I think Hillary was better, fuck no! I can't stand scheming, lying criminal father than I can throw her and since I'm not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds, I can't throw her at all. Do I think she was better qualified, no, not really, but at least she had a clue to some extent. She might have also fought for women's rights. But she lost and he won. 

I was looking over Trump's within the 1st 100 days policies and to be honest, some of them weren't too bad (a lot was trash). If he does what he says he is going to do on the stuff that was half way decent. However, I don't have any hope that they will come into fruition. I think that he is far too focused on what the media thinks about him to really care about anything serious. And I'm vastly alarmed over the fact that I saw an article where in he issued a media black out on the EPA and USDA. Apparently he doesn't buy into global warming. That's fine, but once you start issuing media blackouts on things where does it stop? How soon before- and I am really going out there- we end up like Hitler run Germany? I mean maybe it won't get like that, but then again, a lot of people believed Trump wouldn't win and that Bernie Sanders had a shot. Well the media did everything they could to push him out of the running despite everything.

**Edit- because I write this yesterday- the media black out was confirmed for me, and I am pissed about the keystone pipeline decision. How does that benefit America? It doesn't, it benefits him!

Further, I don't like some of his cabinet. His vice president disgusts me. The woman he wants for the secretary of education is terrible and I think the only reason he wants her is because she is a woman and that might make him look better. Frankly, I would much rather have my Aunt M. who is the grand poobah of early childhood education and development for the state of Nebraska as the secretary of education be at least with her, I know she actually gives a shit about decent education.

There were a lot of people who were talking about high tailing it to other countries because of Trump. There are people who are have to be in therapy because of the "trauma" of his election (which I kind of see as bullshit, but I'm not them, so my opinion doesn't really matter). How about, instead of whining and trying to immigrate, we do something about it? It's so hard, some might say. We are powerless, others might claim, but no, you're not. 1st get your ass out and vote. Second, get off your butt and fight for what you believe in. Women would never have won the right to vote, if they hadn't. Black people wouldn't have freedom or rights if they hadn't. People don't get shit handed to them, they have to fight for it. It is long, it is dehumanizing, it depressing, and people are gonna lose hope, but if you stop fighting, then you have failed, and you have no right to complain. Believe it or not, you are not entitled to shit. You actually have to earn some things.  

Travel shows, open window, 30 mins a day

Lately Amanda and I have been watching An Idiot Abroad on Netflix. I actually really like it and don't really feel that Karl is an idiot, he just hasn't been as exposed to things as a lot of people. He had a way of life that he seemed to enjoy but is now learning that other things, things he wouldn't have considered to be all right, are now actually all right. Its interesting. And because we've been watching this show, I added some travel channels on my Roku, they are free and I thought they looked like fun. 

Of course we've been watching tv in the evenings because I haven't really felt good. Everything kind of ganged up on me at once and I had a really nastey headache for a couple of days. It wasn't a  migraine, but I rather think it was a tension headache. Monday I hurt, Tuesday I spent curled up on the sofa not really able to move because of pain, and yesterday I finally started to feel better. Today I thought was going to be more productive but I was stopped by a nap that snuck up on me and kept me hostage for a couple of hours. When I awoke, I felt loads better, so I'm not too unhappy about it. 

It's nice enough that I said screw it, and opened the patio window. In fact it is still so nice out, that we have it open this evening. And my allergies aren't even being bothered, which I love! I'll take whatever I can get of nice weather and no sneezing!

I mentioned on facebook today that depression has been kicking my ass lately. It too goes in a cycle, not a predictable one, and it too just kind of sneaks up on me. For as long as I have been dealing with PCOS, the fibromylgia, and the herniated disk, you would think I would be used to it all now. In some respects I am. I accept them for what they are and am trying to work with the new limitations and problems, and try really hard not to let them get me down. But you notice them and you worry about what other people think of you, you get pissed off at yourself and begin to have feelings of disconnection from yourself. You have to adjust to a new normal while your some part of you is still in denial and rejects the new norm. On top of that, you're trying, no fighting, to be happy and positive and still make something of yourself. After awhile it gets to be too much, too emotionally and mentally exhausting, and it eats away at you until the things that you loved doing so much, the things that you could still technically do, almost feel like burdens but you're afraid to say that they are because that's just one more thing that has been stolen from you. And you look at yourself and are utterly disgusted. (I think I am going to print this out and give it to my therapist because this is something I definitely want to work on) 

Speaking of my therapist, she gave me some homework this week. I am supposed to write 30 minutes a day everyday. She said it could be anything. Well, I can do that with a blog so I don't really feel that it counts. What I want it to work on actual stories again. I'm just going to have to force myself to do it. Yes, I want to be a published author, but at this point, I just want to write. It's one of those things that I feel has been stolen from me, which was why I struggled so much these last couple of years with school. I loved the writing classes, but it was really hard putting word after word down. I thought, maybe I am too old for this, maybe it was just a phase, I'm not any good for various technical reasons. Which is bullshit. Ugh. This is good though, it's stuff I have been trying to ignore for a long time and I am facing up to it now and dealing with it. 

On a happier note, we are having my graduation party this weekend. I'm quietly excited. I'm happy I've got my BA, but mostly, I am just happy that my friends are coming over to celebrate with me. Amanda's been planning it and has been pretty secretive about it, so I don't know whether or not to be super excited or kind of nervous. The good news is that this is her birthday month, so I get to plan her party. 

Soap is finally cut, my doctor, and feeding depression with pickles.

I know I said I was going to do it a couple of days ago, but I just didn't get to cutting the soap until today and I think today, I on'y did it because I needed to get it off the kitchen table and since I was going to do that, I told myself that it needed to be cut. So, it is cut and sitting in two large Tupperware containers with parchment paper between the soap and the plastic. Of course, it is still sitting on the table, but most of the table is cleaned off. I suppose that is progress. Only it really isn't because I tossed most of what was on the table on the floor.

I called and cancelled my doctor's appointment today. I was supposed to take Amanda to the park and ride and she did wake me up at 6:20 am for a shower like I asked her to. I was so tired last night that I just went to bed. Well, I asked to sleep just a little longer and Amanda forgot about my appointment and went to work. I tried to get a hold of a friend but couldn't and I didn't have a bus pass. Well, apparently I should have tried harder to get there because my doctor's office called and told me that they need 24-48 hours cancellation notice and that to reschedule, I will need to go in and pay a 50 dollar fee. The nurse also told me that they don't have any lab records for me. I explained that I was under the impression that I would get a call from the lab place to set up an appointment. Nope, not the case, I was just supposed to fast for 12 hours and then show up to have lab work done. The nurse also informed me that they did hear back from the GYN that they referred me to but didn't give me an appointment or even any information. I was told nothing about the councilor I am supposed to be referred to. That fucking sucks. 

Which brings me to the depression.

I've been trudging along, pushing through stuff and burring feelings, forcing myself to do things I know I just don't have the energy for. How is this different from any other time that I've vented, whined, and cried about my depressive state? It is different in that while I don't want to kill myself I don't feel like I could be happy with never waking up again, I am hitting bottom in a different way. 

A couple of years ago, I used to get up, do my hair, do my make up, dress nice. I had a job, my own car, and kept my and Amanda's apartment clean. Sure we would have a little clutter now and then, but it was clean. We kept up on laundry. I plucked my eyebrows, I took showers every other day. 

Today, to be frighteningly honest, I haven't showered in two weeks. I can't remember the last time I plucked my eyebrows or wore make up. Sure I've made efforts to wear nicer clothes. I refuse to look at myself in the mirror. I am so overwhelmed by what would probably only take me an hour's worth of cleaning to do, that I've sat and cried most of the morning. More than that, I'm so overwhelmed by my homework and this week it is easy. I only have to read the text book and a link, do an annotated notation on it for the discussion board and then do the same for four of my narrative paper sources. No big deal. But I've panicked and cried over that. I don't know what my issue is with the damned shower. Yes, it is small. Yes, the humidity really gets to me, but I had some fixes for that. I have had trouble with this damned shower since we moved in and have wracked my brain over why I don't like, why I never want to go in it. I'm coming up with nothing except that I am depressed. Amanda asked me last night if I get a bad feeling when I am in there. The only thing I can think of is that once I step in, I want out as soon as possible and have to try to keep the panic down until I am out. That has never happened to me before and I am a totally water baby, I love the water. 

Worst of all, there are somethings that I am trying to set up for myself. Camp NaNoWriMo is this month. I haven't written anything. The office is in a way that I can go in and write. But that overwhlems me too. I am trying to do some research for a couple of other things, things I really want to do and those things overwhelm me. 

I am so overwhelmed that I can't move and its fucking ridiculous. I have got to get control of this. There is so much that I want to do. I feel like I am locked in a cage in a pit and my depression is standing at the lip with a cement truck, dangling the key and every day filling my pit with more and more cement. And while it does it, it's stripping away little bits of me every day.

In effort to not let the asshole win, I'm going to take some headache medicine, because I have a horrible headache from crying. I am going to lay down for a nap for a little bit, and later, I will force myself to get dressed and cleanup a little. And yeah, I already had my impulse eating and ate a pickle. At least they don't have calories. 

Whoa! A whole lot of stupid and little bit of fun!

Last night was the 2010 Winter Solstice Lunar Eclipse. For those who missed out due to weather or being in a part of the world that you couldn't see it, there's a picture but you've probably seen it plastered all over the web. I was one of those who were able to see it happening despite a little bit of could cover and a neighborhood orange tabby driving my parent's dog batty by just being on the patio. Maybe it's geek or nerdy of me but IT WAS SO COOL! Mankind hasn't seen a Lunar Eclipse on the winter solstice since 1639 AD and I got to see it! There was also a meteor shower happening at the same time and I got to see one meteor zip through the sky and didn't have to drive out into the country.

Speaking of Eclipse, I saw the movie, you know the one in the Twilight series everyone is just raging about. Now I've enjoyed the first two movies, they're not my favorite movies of all time, but I liked them for what they were. But Eclipse left me wanting and saying "That's it"? I felt like there wasn't much progression in the story line. However, I did like the black stories of Rosalie and Jasper. No, I haven't read the books, I don't know if the books are better than the movies and I don't care to know. I tried to read Twilight and couldn't get through the first page. I just didn't like the writing and maybe that has something to do with the fact that one of my friends was shoving the book down my throat every time I turned around and maybe not. All I know is, I just didn't like it.

I've been a little disenchanted with things lately; mostly in the people to whom I am related to. I am sad to say that my Grandmother is the one who gets hurt the most in the end no matter which way you cut it. My father's sister seems to think that she and her family know everything, are right about everything, and in being all knowing, having better jobs, are perfect and can be as condescending and haughty as they like and everyone else is just supposed to take the abuse and eat it all up with a smile.

Wrong, I don't care how great you think you are having a 12 year old son rub in his cousin's face that they are poor, throw a fit because a dog barked at him, and crawl into mommy's lap and hit her because he's not getting what he wants is down right disgusting. Having a 21 year old daughter who only takes an interest in her family so she looks good to grandma and then blowing said family off is disgusting. Ignoring your 83 year old mother who just wants to talk to you and not returning her calls for up to three weeks at a time is appalling, and telling me in the middle of Dairy Queen that my mother who is on pain management and only taking what she is prescribed, a junkie, is not only rude but inconsiderate. Trashing your brother at family holidays because he had different political opinions is just wrong. And then treating the rest of the family with such utter blatant disrespect and belittling the accomplishments of those who are trying to scrape by makes me wonder if you're even human.

Therefore, my parents and I will not be attending family Christmas at Grandma's this year and most likely ever again or any family holiday to which my father's sister and her family will be in attendance. We're tired of it and we're tried of keeping our mouths shut and taking verbal abuse just to keep the peace for Grandma's sake. We are the ones who take care of Grandma and Grandpa, we are the ones who actually care about them, and we are the ones who appreciate them and what they do and respect them, love them, and WANT to spend time with them because we love them not out of obligation. And in the end because my father's sister and her family have made it unbearable and pushed too far, it's Grandma who gets hurt because her family is falling apart in the twilight of her life and there is nothing she can do to fix it and she's understanding and kind enough not to ask us to grin and bear it.

There were of course many more things that have happened or have been said over the years that I have left out. Needless to say, I find myself in states of utter shock often when around that part of the family. They make me want to scream and strangle because I just can't believe that people would treat their only blood in such a manner but yet they do. The only good that can come out of watching how they behave and act, how they treat me and my parents is that they are good fodder for writing. I suppose I could say I am taking the stance Chaucer did in A Kinght's Tale and say "I was naked for a day, you will be naked for eternity".

On a more pleasant note, my father has last week off so I monopolized his evenings to play Guild Wars with him. I wanted to help him get through some missions and I enjoy gaming with him. It's father daughter time that's just as good as going for a drive and having long conversations. But then again we talk while playing too. It's just fun.