The Muslim Woman Teacher, the jealous girlfriend, sad news, and "I can't even".

I recently learned that the band H.I.M. is on their farewell tour. I know all good things come to an end, but I really liked them and while I haven't been to concerts in a a few years, I would have gone to see them if they came close to where I live. That's my sad news. I mean really, it could be a lot worse. 

I've either fallen asleep watching TV or planned to sleep on the sofa for the last couple of nights. Amanda and I have both been tired and so much so that we're too tried to go in and change the bed sheets by the end of the day. We've been too tired to do a lot and have pushed through anyway. Last week was a bit rough for both of us. Cousin Kat came and left over the weekend and then I had several days where I was in a lot of pain, foggy brained, and or really depressed. All of that is exhausting and instead of trying to fight it all and wear myself out more, I said 'fuck it' and decided to play Guild Wars 2. That was good, although frustrating because a lot of stuff is different and I'm not sure I was following things clearly. 

Anyway back to the T.V. NHK does some documentaries called Inside Lens. This week its about a Muslim woman in Indonesia who runs a religious boarding school. She teaches, runs it, and gives talks about how men should treat women better, equality, and how without strong women and mothers, we wouldn't have strong nations. She is AMAZING! She didn't used to run the school, it was her husbands school but he passed away and for awhile she was a little lost. But she is very religious and prayed and found her answer to be that she would keep the school running on her own, that the only man she needed was God. Here is the link for the documentary: https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/tv/lens/

I decided to do a written role play with cousin Kat. She's had a lot of hell recently and I wanted to give her a little something to look forward too, in my own way, that I knew I could do. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do lately, so this at least gets me doing something constructive. Anyway, I've wanted to write a Kitsune story. I started a book years ago but never got very far with it. So, I decided to have a Kitsune character once again and see what I could come up with this time. I gave him a horrible back story and then wrote the opening post. When I read it to Amanda, she was a little and cutely jealous. She wants to play with Noritoki and really liked my opening. She even thought it would make a good novel on its own. 

Speaking of Amanda, we've both had a crummy last couple of weeks. The good stuff has been getting to see Cousin Kat, seeing a couple of friends, and the new episodes of My Little Pony on Netflix. Amanda was so depressed last night that she wanted to finish out the episodes, except that kind of backfired. The last episode was about Applejack's parents- who while the show has never said it, that I can remember, aren't living. The apple family siblings learned about their parents beginning relationship and how they came to be married. But both Amanda and I were really upset because while we know their parents are gone, we don't know the why or the how and ugh! So I suggested we watch some of season 2 of Kamisama Kiss because that's fun and cute and it has a pissy Kitsune named Tomoe who is freaking awesome, gorgeous, and I just love him. I also really like the anime because it make me laugh. There was an instance last night where one of the characters (we are watching the american dub- I like both thank you-) says "I can't even" and while a lot of people use that phrase, I've even used that phrase, it was so unexpected in an anime that it struck my funny bone just right. I'm still giggling over it. 

But that's the mostly happy stuff. We've got more car issues than we bargained for, as in it didn't pass the emissions test so we couldn't buy car tags and won't be able to until we can afford to get it worked on and then of it has to pass or we will have had to do 150 dollars worth of work on it to try to get it to pass before we can buy car tags. Amanda got me some bus passes for when I need to go somewhere and a friend is taking me to an appointment this afternoon. Aside from that, it's just pain, depression, panic attacks, and wedding stress.  

Doctor's appointment, needing Tomoe, panic and talking to parental units, and thrifting!

Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss

Had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and it went fairly well. I've lost 8 pounds, however, my blood pressure was higher than the time before. I'm sure the screaming headache, stress over the wedding and other things going on, in addition to feeling like I'd run full speed into a brick wall didn't help any of that. We talked at length about the vegetarian diet. The verdict: my doctor isn't sure she wants me eating a vegetarian diet because I was so anemic before. However, she's ordered up a full blood panel to check thyroid, A1C- well everything to be sure. She also said that on the off chance that everything looks normal, she will send me back over to OBGYN to make them do a hormonal check just to make sure that we're not missing something. On top of that, she said as I lose weight and my blood pressure lowers, the mottling in my legs should go away. To help that, she's giving me a water pill for a little while. So, at this point, I just need to do my fasting blood work tomorrow morning and wait to see the results. Oh and she doesn't want me doing any more exercise than I am comfortable with- as in don't exhaust myself- and to eat more than three times a day. Which I have been doing pretty good with on my own anyway, especially lately.

Still Tomoe

During my doctor's appointment, I started not feeling good and just figured that I needed to get home and get some lunch. However, as I was driving home, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't hungry but I felt awful and realized that I was starting to panic.  I thought if I can just get home, I can deal with this, but if I have to, I will pull over. No sense in endangering myself and others for no good reason. Well, I made it and as soon as I got inside my apartment, I grabbed a bottle of juice and sat at my desk. I thought I was going to be okay but I was mistaken and all hell broke lose in my head. 

Amanda had taken a sick day because she wasn't feeling good and I am so glad she did. It was like the Gods and universe was telling us we needed to be together that day. I had one of my really bad panic attacks, the kind where Amanda starts talking about taking me to the hospital but I freak out more because I can't handle being away from home at that moment, but at the same time she's scared and trying to get me to breathe and drink water, and keep me from clawing the skin off my chest because I can't breathe. I don't remember a lot of what was said or how long I was panicking, but of what I do remember was  that Amanda didn't deserve to see it or have to deal with it. I remember telling her that I was sorry. 

Somehow, don't remember how or when, Amanda got me on the bed, turned on the fan, and got me a cold wash cloth and water. She also found my xanax and for a little while I might have napped. Not too long though, she made us lunch. I ended up calling my Mom because during the panic attack I had been asking for my Mom and Amanda tried calling her. The last thing my parents need to hear is me having a horrible panic attack via voice mail so I wanted to tell my Mom not to listen to it and just delete it right away. I told her what had happened and I was much better and things were okay. Of course she wanted to know what was going on. 

Xanax is nice sometimes because it is very numbing and I don't tend to care so much or rather worry about being so blunt. So first I asked my Mom point blank if she and Dad actually wanted to come to the wedding. Mom was a bit shocked. She said they really do want to come but they feel awful because they don't have money to help or even really a gift. I don't care about that stuff. My Mom doesn't have a dress- I told her we would start looking for what she wanted and even take her dress shopping when she got here. She's also worried about putting us out as far as food goes because she needs soft food. No problems there, I can make her soup, mashed potatoes, soft casseroles, ect. Both of my parents loathe flying, but they will do it. And Dad might actually have a shot at a full time job which is amazing, but he's worried they either won't hire him or not let him have time off to come up. So, as usual, they didn't want to make a promise they couldn't keep. But they don't really understand that in doing that, it's almost, if not, more hurtful than disappointing me. 

We moved on to other issues like my stupid shoes, my doctor's appointment, Amanda sticking up for me with a friend, some other friend troubles I've been having and so on. It was a good call. 

Amanda's parents were coming for dinner that night and also to talk to us about something you just don't talk about over the phone. We ended up going to Torrid to pick up an order we'd placed and introduced Amanda's Mom to the store. She got a couple of really cute dresses. Then we went to the thrift store wherein Amanda found an Octopus cup for herself and a fox cup for me. I found this:

It is a creamer cup from a red glass Avon collection from ages ago. I've been collecting red glass drink ware and have been wanting to collect this particular series of Cape Cod dishes. However, it is expensive and so I'm getting it piecemeal at thrift stores where it is vastly cheaper. I think I paid a $1.50 for this piece. But if I am honest, I had started collecting the Johnson Brothers Willow Blue dishes as well. 

 I also found a Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit, movie edition game. I can't wait to play it!

The news Amanda's parents needed to tell us was about Amanda's older trans (was male) sister. I told Amanda as much as I loathe what her sister and now ex-sister-in-law did to her parents, we really do need to just put all of that aside and get in contact with her. Part of that is to give comfort and to heal a relationship between Amanda and her sister that Amanda has mourned for a long time. The other part is to make sure that said sister doesn't fuck over their parents again. 

Lastly, 

I've been posting pictures of Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss in this this blog post because for the last couple of days, when I am upset, I've turned on Kamisama Kiss, just to see him. He makes me happy. He's a cute, pissy, Kitsune. Kamisama Kiss is also lighter anime, Shoujo meaning that it is geared toward a female audience with a focus on personal and romantic relationships. As much as I love my intense, dark, and even cerebral anime, every once in awhile I just want fluff. Anyway, I adore watching him with Nanami and the other characters. They are a lot of fun and helped me feel better.

For those wondering, Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist is still my all time favorite!