The lists, the cats, a tattoo idea, and eclipse.

My Dad used to tell me to "expect the worst and hope for the best". He also used to tell me that "this is as good as it gets, so you got to suck it up and get on with your life". My Dad struggles with depression and anxiety and I doubt it was easy for him to see his daughter going through the same and reporting that it hurt to wear her clothes and that even her hair hurt. We didn't know about fibromyalgia back when I was in high school and it wasn't until my Senior year that I was diagnosed with depression. Dad was working 40-80 hr work weeks, on call, and was worrying over my Mom. It was the sagest advice he could muster. 

Sadly, its all true, except for when I can't get on with my life. The world keeps moving when I fall down and then I'm stuck playing catch up when I can get back on my feet. I hate it. Lately, despite the happy fact that I am getting married, that the drama over whether or not my parents would come is thankfully over, I've hit a wall. The world keeps moving, like it always does, and I'm caught behind a glass wall watching.  I realized sometime last week, as I looked at the state of my house, that I need help pure and simple. Amanda is working overtime, I'm exhausted, hurting, or just don't have the spoons to rev my 'get up and go' engine. I hate that I can't vacuum the living room without hurting myself. I hate that I can't effectively advocate for myself at the doctors office. I hate that I can't be functional enough to go out, get even a part time job so I can help Amanda with the bills and so we have more options in regards to buying a house.  Most of all, I hate how much its eating me up inside, the panic attacks on the bedroom floor, and so on. 

But, the other day, when I was taking an hour- if I am honest it was two- for self care and perusing pinterest, I came across a quote from Jane Austin: I am half agony, half hope. I thought, that's me in a nut shell. I agonize over what I can't do anymore, what I'm not anymore, and hope that I can turn it all around and have better days. I decided that I am getting it tattooed on me somewhere, in the near future with the the semicolon below it, because that too is me. 

On to happier things.

I have a lot to do today. 

1. I have a few errands to run.

2. I need compile the final list of wedding invitations and get them ready to send out. Amanda wants to add a couple more people from work. 

3. I need to take stupid paper work to the apartment management office (the bastards).

4. And I need to clean up my kitchen so I can make dinner tonight.

5. I also need at least a half hour nap because I feel like shit and want to have a tiny energy boost before I head out. 

6. I also need to place an order on amazon for a special sewing ruler.

I took Amanda to work this morning and the two places two places I need to go still aren't open yet. 

This week's list is:

1. Compile a list of what is left to get for the wedding.

2. Clean the bathroom

3. Find a coat hook thing for the wall (I want something specific) and possibly a bench we can sit on to put on shoes and store shoes under that I can actually reach under.

4. Keep editing stories.

5. Keep the cats from breaking any more dishes. 

Speaking of my adorable balls of fur, both of them have been so sweet and cuddly the last couple of days. Narcisa has been playing more, wanting more attention, and has generally been in a better mood. Thorin has always been an attention seeker but lately he's been talking a lot more. Mostly he wants more food in his bowl- despite the fact that he nearly always has some still in it, but sometimes he's just talking to get my attention as if to say "I'm awake now and I'm coming to find you for love and cuddles". This morning I awoke to one of his favorite toys on my pillow. While I was trying to wake Amanda for work, he was playing on my Vanity and discovered the press lights I'd purchased to put around my mirror so I'd have more light for make up. As you can imagine I was a little spooked when I heard a strange clicking noise, saw flashing lights, and me not being completely awake, had a scary notion of ailen abduction for the briefest moment- at least until I realized what was what. 

Thorin is also getting quite resourceful. He still doesn't cover his poop with cat litter yet he knows he needs to cover it. So he has taken to pulling down clean towels or laundry left on the floor, into the cat box. Neither he nor Narcisa soil it, which is a blessing, but still eww. On top of that, he's decided to start pulling tissue or the wrappers from pads from the trash can to cover his ick. I can't really get too upset over it, he is trying, just not the right way. 

Lastly, I hope those who could see the eclipse, got to see it. We were supposed to go over to a friends house to spend the night and see it, but Amanda's Aunt Nancy died this weekend. So, we nixed those plans, because Amanda had to work the day of the eclipse too and we were both too tired to drive that far. Well, Sunday a friend here in town invited me over to watch it with them, and well, I thought okay, it's not that far, and I could go home when I needed too. 

It was a nice quiet, viewing affair. I was so tired that I didn't have my usual nerdy gusto for things space related, plus prior to the eclipse the sun was bright and brutal on my eyes, lol. But I still enjoyed it. I am sad to say that once we were inside the house, I crashed hard on my friend's sofa. I woke up for a little bit and then crashed out again. Apparently, they tried to wake me to see if I would take one of them to the store and found the not-awake-conversation with me hilarious. I don't remember the conversation. Anyway, because it was also a new moon that night, one of our friends wanted to do a fertility ritual. She's trying to have a baby. Amanda and I helped with the spell and headed home because we were both exhausted. However, I did make a spell candle, funnel some intent and energy into it, and have been lighting it off and on for them to help. No, I don't think it is overkill. I think anything and everything that can help will help.

Whoa! A whole lot of stupid and little bit of fun!

Last night was the 2010 Winter Solstice Lunar Eclipse. For those who missed out due to weather or being in a part of the world that you couldn't see it, there's a picture but you've probably seen it plastered all over the web. I was one of those who were able to see it happening despite a little bit of could cover and a neighborhood orange tabby driving my parent's dog batty by just being on the patio. Maybe it's geek or nerdy of me but IT WAS SO COOL! Mankind hasn't seen a Lunar Eclipse on the winter solstice since 1639 AD and I got to see it! There was also a meteor shower happening at the same time and I got to see one meteor zip through the sky and didn't have to drive out into the country.

Speaking of Eclipse, I saw the movie, you know the one in the Twilight series everyone is just raging about. Now I've enjoyed the first two movies, they're not my favorite movies of all time, but I liked them for what they were. But Eclipse left me wanting and saying "That's it"? I felt like there wasn't much progression in the story line. However, I did like the black stories of Rosalie and Jasper. No, I haven't read the books, I don't know if the books are better than the movies and I don't care to know. I tried to read Twilight and couldn't get through the first page. I just didn't like the writing and maybe that has something to do with the fact that one of my friends was shoving the book down my throat every time I turned around and maybe not. All I know is, I just didn't like it.

I've been a little disenchanted with things lately; mostly in the people to whom I am related to. I am sad to say that my Grandmother is the one who gets hurt the most in the end no matter which way you cut it. My father's sister seems to think that she and her family know everything, are right about everything, and in being all knowing, having better jobs, are perfect and can be as condescending and haughty as they like and everyone else is just supposed to take the abuse and eat it all up with a smile.

Wrong, I don't care how great you think you are having a 12 year old son rub in his cousin's face that they are poor, throw a fit because a dog barked at him, and crawl into mommy's lap and hit her because he's not getting what he wants is down right disgusting. Having a 21 year old daughter who only takes an interest in her family so she looks good to grandma and then blowing said family off is disgusting. Ignoring your 83 year old mother who just wants to talk to you and not returning her calls for up to three weeks at a time is appalling, and telling me in the middle of Dairy Queen that my mother who is on pain management and only taking what she is prescribed, a junkie, is not only rude but inconsiderate. Trashing your brother at family holidays because he had different political opinions is just wrong. And then treating the rest of the family with such utter blatant disrespect and belittling the accomplishments of those who are trying to scrape by makes me wonder if you're even human.

Therefore, my parents and I will not be attending family Christmas at Grandma's this year and most likely ever again or any family holiday to which my father's sister and her family will be in attendance. We're tired of it and we're tried of keeping our mouths shut and taking verbal abuse just to keep the peace for Grandma's sake. We are the ones who take care of Grandma and Grandpa, we are the ones who actually care about them, and we are the ones who appreciate them and what they do and respect them, love them, and WANT to spend time with them because we love them not out of obligation. And in the end because my father's sister and her family have made it unbearable and pushed too far, it's Grandma who gets hurt because her family is falling apart in the twilight of her life and there is nothing she can do to fix it and she's understanding and kind enough not to ask us to grin and bear it.

There were of course many more things that have happened or have been said over the years that I have left out. Needless to say, I find myself in states of utter shock often when around that part of the family. They make me want to scream and strangle because I just can't believe that people would treat their only blood in such a manner but yet they do. The only good that can come out of watching how they behave and act, how they treat me and my parents is that they are good fodder for writing. I suppose I could say I am taking the stance Chaucer did in A Kinght's Tale and say "I was naked for a day, you will be naked for eternity".

On a more pleasant note, my father has last week off so I monopolized his evenings to play Guild Wars with him. I wanted to help him get through some missions and I enjoy gaming with him. It's father daughter time that's just as good as going for a drive and having long conversations. But then again we talk while playing too. It's just fun.