Summer/fall bucket list, gaming, Sword Art Online, Selling Sophie

Amanda and I have been watching Sword Art Online lately and we love it! Well, I love it and know she enjoys it. There's this squeeing fangirl squeeing over the romantic elements. I can't go into anything too much because I don't want to spoil it, however, lets just say, I almost cried today over something in the show. 

Watching the show has made me long for the days that I played Guildwars with my Dad. So I actually logged on for a little bit this afternoon, after I got my homework done, and did a little running around. I am currently re-downloading Guildwars 2. I bought it for my old computer and hadn't downloaded it for the new one yet. I would love to get the Heart of Thorns expansion but I'm not even close to that yet. 

This is my Guildwars main character, Heidi Von Nacht, she's the leader of the Kitsune Guard guild. 

Anyway, this weekend we are getting away and going camping. More on that when I get back from the trip.

I am selling my jeep, Sophie (yes, I named my car) to a friend Rachael. I want to sell it to her minus the cost of repairs. One, she is going to tow it to get repaired and also she sunk money into a dud of a truck and since the jeep would be for her business, I would like to help her out a little there as well. After that, Amanda and I are going to trade in her car and we are going to get another vehicle. I am not sure what yet, but hopefully something we don't have to repair every damned time we turn around. 

Lastly, Amanda has been hounding me today about putting up some of my summer/fall bucket list, so with that said, that is what I am going to do now. 

Things that are already scheduled are as follows:

1.Try Das Stein Haus this Sunday for dinner

2. Camp NaNoWriMo all of July

3. Silverwood with Amanda's parents on July 1st

4. Soap Making July 2nd

5. Seeing Lord Chaddum at Le Chateu Galunt (sp?) on July 3rd

6. Lavender Picking Festival on July 9th

7. Get into the SCA- This has begun and will be a continuing work in progress. 

8. Stargaze- I am doing that this weekend.

9. Go to polka dot pottery

10. Do the Zombie Crawl

11. Go to Finch Arboretum in fall to do photos

12. Ride in horse and carriage this fall

13. Visit Greenbluff this fall for pumpkins, photos, and autumn farm fresh goods

14. See the Chinese Lantern Festival in River Front Park

15. Go to Scarrywood

16. Carve pumpkins

17. Make a pumpkin diarama

18 Halloween party

19. Make t-shirt quilt

20. Make gothic quilt

21. Make a crazy quilt

22. Make coffin pot holders

23. Host a proper tea party- might do that soon and join Vanessa's Mad Hatter tea party thing.

24. Learn to make various kinds of candles

25. Start something spiritual

26. Go to the planetarium.

27. Spend the day down town.

This is not including all the books I want to read or any other assorted crafts and or the writing I want to accomplish. 

I don't know!

I haven't had a very good evening. I'm not sure what triggered the panic attack earlier, around 5 pm, but it was bad enough that one of my stress relievers couldn't even help calm me down, nothing was, so I took some medicine and laid down for awhile. I actually ended up taking a half hour nap.

When I awoke I wasn't feeling much better. But I got up, ate dinner, and logged into Guild Wars to play for a bit. It's Alliance Battle Week. Typically I get really disgusted over how much people jump sides back and forth. But what really upset me tonight was that my Dad asked me to text him when I logged on. I did. Twice. I got no response. Fine. I still wanted to do some AB so I went to the area and posted in the alliance chat that I was available if anyone needed another person for their group. No one said a damned thing. So I thought, well that's okay, I'll just hang out and see if anyone adds me to their party. (you can't just go into Alliance battles, you have to go in a party and none of them can be npcs).

Finally a group picked me up. Well that was a mistake. They got pissed at me for not sticking with them. I honestly thought I will still running with the group but they must have changed locations when I was texting Skoora back during the wait time. Well, round two, I tried like hell to stick with them. Things were fine until I got killed and was effectively separated from them. So then I wasted time trying to find them instead of jumping in with the closest group to the resurrection shrine. Needless to say, they kicked me the minute the round was over. I don't need that kind of shit. Not tonight anyway. And when there was still no word from my Dad, I decided to just bag it for the night and do something else.

I'm still really depressed, I can't decide what to do, don't really feel like doing anything, but at the same time I don't want to do nothing. I could go start some craft projects but like I said, I just don't feel like it. I thought about going to the store and I thought trying to work on a story. I just don't feel like doing anything! I just want tomorrow to come.   

Whew! time to get my butt in gear.

The last week or so has been filled with people and events. As most of you know, I took Skoora to the air port for her MFA residency in Boston. I couldn't sleep very well with her in the air during bad weather or her being alone in the airport. Then I was having some trouble sleeping because she wasn't home. But we had her cousin Amber over to stay for a few days and the day she left my friend Christine came to stay. She went home today and like usual, she left something behind. She's so silly!


While Christine was here we watched some movies and she started the 2nd season of Supernatural. I took her shopping and out to lunch one day. We also played in the dinning room with the craft supplies. I made a 'good things' jar in which I am going to put all the good things that happen or things that make me happy on a piece of paper to put in the jar for later review. It's a positive reinforcement sort of thing. I also picked up a wooden and glass box that was in the tub of 'things to be painted'. I didn't have much success with this box despite all the of the precautions I took to keep paint off the glass but I have managed to fix nearly every single problem and made the box look cute. Christine decorated a few hair clips and a box she bought. I also crocheted a little on the afghan I am making my parents (which I am sure my Mom will claim solely as hers).


Yesterday I had my first hypnotherapy appointment. It went well, I suppose. I have some reading to do, some workbook pages to complete, and some cds to listen to. I think the hardest part is cutting down meal portions. I didn't really think I ate that much but when you are only supposed to eat 2 cups of food per meal and you like to make full dinners, that can get a little tricky. I don't think I will be cooking as much as I am used to. The good thing, I eat three meals a day and two snacks. The down side is that she wants me to exorcise. Normally that wouldn't bother me but with my back the way it is and the fibromyalgia, there are days I don't move very well much less have the energy to exorcise. But my therapist more than understands this, she lives with the same pain and she is going to try and help me learn to channel and deal with the pain, which in my book is awesome!


At the moment I am at the library, had to pick up some books on jewelry making that I want to look at. Since I wanted some time out of the house, despite the migraine I have pounding my head, I thought I would update my blog. When I get home I need to do some laundry and clean the bathroom and after that, read. I have so much that I want to read. However, tonight I am going to kill beasties in Guild Wars and try to just relax.  

What can I say about today? Where the hell is all the snow?!

Dimitri Belikov played by Danila Kozlovsky

1. He's hot!
2. I am really excited for Vampire Academy to come out next month!
3. I really wish some of his other movies were available for viewing here in the United States with English Subtitles.

Where is all the snow I ask you? Huh? Where is it?! It's not outside on the ground. I live in Northern Idaho, a couple of hours away from the Canadian border. It's winter and there isn't any snow. One of the perks and my favorite things about living up here is the snow. But it's not here. No, in fact it's in Kansas, where my family lives. My Dad said earlier (as in it's after midnight and I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still tonight rather than tomorrow, never mind) that it was snowing in Wichita. It snowed there a few days ago too. The north eastern United States just had a big winter storm and got lots of snow. Parts of airports were even closed. But did we get any snow here? Nope. I am not happy. I'd shake my fist at the sky and bitch at it too if I thought I could get snow, but I doubt it will help.

Sigh.

Today I slept far too late because again last night I couldn't sleep. But I got up and tried to go to Spokane and when I got on the highway I promptly got off at the nearest exit. I need to replace the tires on my car but can't do that until Skoora gets back from her residency. I can still drive the car, just not on the highway and I have to keep an eye on it.

When I got home, I had to babysit cousin Amber while Skoora's parents went to mass. Not a big deal, I let her pick a movie and we chatted a little bit while I started dinner and made my snack cups and some breakfast croissants. no, I haven't learned how to make croissants from scratch yet, I bought some mini ones from the supermarket a couple of days ago and cut up some turkey to put on them along with some cheese and threw the in the oven. Right now, they are in the freezer to be taken out at later dates to be consumed. I also sauteed some onions and mushrooms in balsamic vinegar and butter. When all was said and done, I retreated back into my bedroom and played Guild Wars with my Dad.

I have managed to hurt my back more today, just in leaning back in my chair. My desk chair rocks back a little and I was tired of sitting up straight (well as straight as I could for as long as I was able). I sat back and when I tried to move forward (enter many explicatives and color phrases). And to make matters worse, when I tried to get up, more pain. I kind of stayed locked, unable to really move for a bit until I could breathe and then very very slowly ease into a position that didn't hurt so bad.

Oh and I talked on the phone with my cousin Sheena tonight. She feels kind of bad for trying to help her brother out yesterday. He took the 20 dollars she gave him and spent it on alcohol. His girlfriend called up and said he was missing today and the saddest thing, Sheena checked the recent arrests for the county they live in. Yep, he's in jail and it looks like he might have even gotten violent as well. Personally, I hope he stays in jail for really long time. It's the only time he's ever sober.

Upside, tomorrow my friend is coming for a visit. 

Lots to say but...

 I have started and erased this blog post three times now. I have a lot to say, good and bad, happy and sad, but I just can't seem to decide on anything. The headache probably isn't helping.

Fall and Halloween decorations have been put away and the Christmas decorations have been brought out. Fall isn't over for me. But I decided to get out all of the winter/Christmas decorations for Skoora's Mom in effort to make her happy. I also wanted it done in one day so I wouldn't have a constant mess. That was yesterday. Today, I just need some help and the help sucks.

The happiest news I've received in a long time came today. My pseudo brother Lucas finally bought a ring for his girlfriend and proposed the right way. They want Skoora and I in their wedding as well. I am so excited for them!

My Dad and decided that we wanted to stay in the alliance we are in despite the old Alliance leader's jump to a new alliance. The old Alliance leader finally contacted me via facebook. I haven't replied yet. He also talked to me in game last night. I kept it short because I know he's just trying to get my guild to join his alliance. I just wish we could play where none of that crap mattered. Where alliance choices didn't matter.

I know this a disjointed and crappy update and I apologize, but I am just not feeling very good today.  

More procrastination...

Picture speaks for itself.

I'm supposed to be writing right now. Actually, I should have been writing hours ago but my Dad sent me a text and asked if I was going to e Guild Wars this evening. I decided then that I would just get on and play for a little bit then get on with my business. 

Dad and I did a faction run and then went to the Underworld and wouldn't ya know it, our old alliance leader sent me a message and when I responded, he didn't say a damned thing back to me. Instead he decided to chat with my Dad. Normally that wouldn't piss me off except that old Alliance leader has decided that the alliance we are in right now isn't a very good one. Apparently our alliance leader kicked a guild that the old Alliance leader has always had good relations with out. Which upset him and there's some other stuff to go with it but honestly, I just don't care about our alliance leader's issues with another guild. It's just none of my business. What pisses me off is that the old alliance leader consistently ignores the fact that I am the guild leader of my guild. He doesn't discuss things with me. I always hear about something from my Dad despite the fact that the old alliance leader can contact me on facebook, which I am on at least once a day. And it wouldn't even bother me so much if he hadn't tried to steal my Dad from my guild. But now he wants to jump ship on the alliance and go to another alliance but says he isn't going to go unless he can get both his guild and mine in. Whatever. My Dad and I haven't even decided if we are going with him or not. 

Dad and I don't like all this in game drama. When I get on GW I just want to play, not see or deal with other people's crap, and honestly, my Dad and I would like to be able to do other things besides faction run. I have titles I want to max out. I have areas I want to vanquish and I can't do that if I am always faction farming. Most importantly, I do not want to have to log on every day to faction farm. I have other things that I need and want to be doing. It's not that I don't want to play or think of faction farming as a chore or don't want to contribute, it's just that I am 29 years old and have a social life, live in a house with four people and three cats, and can't always be online every night and weekend. I get on when I can. *sigh* 

But yeah, I'm procrastinating and watching Criss Angle: Believe at the moment. I need to turn off the TV and get to work. I really want to get some head way and just really pound out the story. I have been procrastinating so bad I had to change my desktop background and the color scheme for the windows. I know, I am terrible. 

Good grief!

My sweet Yoda-Chan

It is safe to say that it's been a really hard week. I've had some new things come up, received some really depressing news, and thought over some of the things that have happened recently.

First up, we finally were able to get Yoda-Chan to the vet. We had to take out a loan to do so but as it turned out the loan wasn't even going to begin to cover the bill. So we had to apply for a Care Credit card. We were declined and had to have Skoora's mother apply. She was approved and because she applied for us she managed to finagle more money out of Skoora. That's a topic for a later time and as angry as I am about it, I don't really get to complain since if she hadn't we wouldn't have been able to pay the bill for my cat.

The diagnosis for my sweet old baby is that he's diabetic. Thankfully, we got him in early enough and the diabetic can be managed with an extremely strict diet and insulin. We were even lucky enough that the vet gave us a bottle of insulin that someone had donated. We are putting the other cats on Yoda's feeding scheduled much to their chagrin but they can get over it.

Speaking of medicine, after a long time of negotiating which meds I could get when due to finances, I was finally able to get all of them! I don't take that many but we have been so broke. So I took them this morning and after we picked Yoda up from the vet, I took a nap. I slept longer than I wanted to and haven't really accomplished much. I did manage to get dinner cooked a few minutes ago. Other than that I've been searching for crochet patterns so I can make some Christmas Gifts. Well, that and some paper crafts. Oh and I'm drinking Cranberry Pomegranate juice in the hopes that I can fix a potential bladder infection. I don't know if it's going to work because of the pomegranate, but I thought it was worth a shot. When I was checking the sugar on the juice bottles, I was surprised to see how many grams are in one serving size. One glass of juice is the equivalent of a whole meal.

Some of the bad news I received, on the same day that I learned that Yoda is diabetic, was that my cousin's diabetes is now affecting her kidneys. So far she doesn't need dialysis but if she doesn't get her act together she will. It was really hard to hear, we are only seven months apart in age, she's like a sister and for someone who doesn't have any living siblings (Mom had trouble carrying babies to term and even I was a month early), that's a big deal. Anyway, my cousin can only do so much, at least food wise, because she's even more financially strapped than we are. Food stamps aren't an option for her. But that's not the only problem, her mother, my aunt, has gone off the deep end and is a monster. But again, that's a topic for another post. In the end, my cousin will either have a heart attack, or stop taking her insulin, or just out right commit suicide.

Another piece of bad news I've received this week was that I have borderline personality disorder. I don't want to talk about who or how I received this news, and will only say that it wasn't from my therapist. I felt kind of blindsided actually. No one has ever told me. I've only ever known the social phobia, anxiety, and severe depression, which I've been trying to manage through therapy and medication for the last ten years. No, I haven't been completely successful, especially in the last couple of years since I've had chronic pain, but I've done my best. I'm certainly bouncing back and forth between accepting it and denying it.

My family plays a big part in that process. Grandma, though I love her dearly, likes to sweep all the ugly stuff under the rug for no one to see. My Dad's sister, looks down on my parents, on me, on my Mom's side of the family, she and her husband have been vicious to my parents and caused fights at Grandma's house. They don't like us for a variety of reasons, one of which is different political views (by the way my parent never talk about politics at Grandma's house out of respect for her). My Dad's sister's family sees themselves as the perfect middle class american family with no problems what so ever. Trust me they aren't perfect. Hell, my Aunt can't understand how I can sit for several hours and read a book instead of going shopping. Reading is more fun than shopping, it makes me happy, shopping depresses me and people get to close to me. It's not that hard to figure out.

So at the end of the day, I'm not sure what to think or how to feel. Either way, I know I've been avoiding it most of the time.

On the subject of Guild Wars, I'm just not happy with playing anymore. I enjoy playing with my Dad and playing by myself, that much I know for sure. But some 'in game' drama has really turned me off. I've had several instances where I have been annoyed with the alliance leader, Paul. Not long ago he asked one of his guild mates to leave and we took her into our guild so she could still be part of the alliance. She was only with us for a week and left with no notice to me or my Dad and is somehow back in Paul's guild. At first I just didn't care. Dad was sick and I'd had company over for several days and it would have been rude of me to get on and play with guests in the house. I told her that. But after thinking about it and seeing how a lot of other people have been playing, I wonder if maybe Paul sent her over to spy on us. There's nothing to spy on though. We don't gossip, we don't talk shit on others, and if we are on, we are on and if we are off, we are off. I haven't asked Paul if that was what was going on or not.

Then Paul decided that he was going to disband the alliance. Not only did he not tell me this, and there is no reason for him not to have since I am my guild's leader and he and I are friends on facebook, but he tried to recruit my Dad from my guild. Oh he said my Dad could come with his other account so he could use his main account with me, but still. That's really shitty. But what really pisses me off is that for all of his schpeals about loyalty and honor and my guild and his guild sticking together forever, I think if I hadn't been on, he wouldn't have invited my guild to go with his to a new alliance. I don't think he really wanted me around at all. I'm not a hard core player. I don't get on every night and weekend to play. And frankly I shouldn't have too. I have other things going on and when he was alliance leader, most of what we did was faction farm. Also, I didn't like the way he'd taunt some of the other players in the game, players he didn't like.

But I do like the new alliance for the most part. A lot of people are really nice and and this is where the blog ends for me tonight. Skoora's parents just came home and will want dinner and on top of that, they won't stop talking. *sigh*

Vampires, Guild Wars Halloween, and Lana Del Rey

Love and Blood by Natsuki

I love this picture! Pretty Vampire, pretty boy, gothic setting, and a violin! In my 'someday' living room, I think I will have to buy this picture for the gothic/vampire theme I want to do for Fall and Winter.

Lately, I've been reading a lot of Vampire books. Well, I read the Vampire Academy novels, and Skoora bought me a couple of other vampire novels. Don't worry, I don't read just vampire novels. I read paranormal romances about dragons and urban fantasy. I'm not a big Werewolf fan, don't know why really, they just aren't my cup of tea but I do have one Werewolf book, just to try it out and give them a shot. I do need to see what other people have written after all and explore the lore- just not get lost in it. I love to research things. I can spend several hours just looking up pointless stuff.

Fun fact about me, I can usually tell you who several, if not all of the voice actors are in the anime shows I watch. Even some in the original Japanese. I'm also really good with actors from Tv shows and films. And if I can't tell you their name, I can tell you what else they have been in. I'm like that with other stuff too and a dear friend of mine calls me her IMDB. But with the other stuff I usually remember what people were wearing last time I saw them, how they had their hair, what we talked about, and so forth. See, not all of it is useless. I suppose.

Anyway, I've been listing to a few songs on You Tube this morning. Lana Del Rey: Dark Paradise Is one that I've decided goes on the writing soundtrack for the book I am currently writing. Of course I have four in the works at the moment, but Chloe's story is the one that's insisting to be written at the moment so I'm complying. But since I was depressed I wanted a 'pick me up' song so I listened to SMP Film's The Ninja Song. My friends are probably tired of me posting the crap out of this song, but I don't care, I love it! I adore Cory and his fiance Kate. They both have VLOG's and videos over on You tube. In case you're interested, it's SMP Films, Dude like hella, and Kater's17. Oh and don't forget The Mean Kitty!    

Guild Wars kicked off the Halloween festivities this week. I'm excited because for once, I finally have enough of a jump on it that I can actually get some quests done. Although, it's been a little difficult since not only has my back been hurting, but my legs and knees have been as well. I've been moving them, walking back and forth through the house. So far, I think maybe it was the chair I was sitting it. Which is a little strange since I sit in it frequently. I do think I pulled something in one of my knees though. It sucks but, what can you do? But anyway, yes, I will probably play a little guild wars today. Not for too long though, I have some other stuff I want to try to get accomplished today. 

Books in the mail and Holiday cards in progress...

Witchy books!

I had intended to post a blog yesterday but I skipped it in order to keep Skoora's Mom company. She's come down with Shingles. My own mother had Shingles for a long time and it was so awful. Luckily, we caught it early and she was able to get into the doctor and get an anti-viral medicine that we hope will stop it before it gets worse.

In trying to keep her busy and her mind off of some family matters and the Shingles, we worked on Holiday cards. Well, she made some tags for Christmas presents and I cut the liners for envelopes. I cut over 50 yesterday and have probably about the same number to do today. But I am going to play Guild Wars with my Dad first since I will be going to Hastings with Skoora when she gets off work. Needless to say I am going to have to take a break between getting the Christmas cards completed and starting on my Halloween/Samhain cards. I have birthday and anniversary cards to make too but thankfully I don't have to make too many of those. come to think of it, I need to hurry up and make two for my Mom and my Aunt. They are twins and their birthday is right around the corner! EEEP!

Above are the new books I've purchased recently. I have an old copy of "To Ride a Silver Broomstick," out in the garage but we can't seem t find it so I bought another copy from Hastings. I'm rather excited to read them and take notes. A friend of mine is expecting to get a book in the mail too and I can't wait to thumb through it with her.

Aside from books, card making, and cooking, I've been feeling a little more tired than usual. I'm still fighting some lethargy here and there and it seems to come and go in spots throughout the day. But I really think the birth control my doctor gave to me regulate me (that's doing nothing at all by the by, haven't stopped bleeding and it's seems to be getting worse) is making me sleepy. At this point I think I am going to have to do the high powered one where I have to take most of it in seven days. I will pretty much asleep for most of that week but if it stops the bleeding and gets me regular again, I will be more than happy.      

Music and a few other things.

Good news on the car front. It is only going to cost me $350 to fix it. YAY! That's so much better than what I was dreading.

Lately, there has been some unrest within my alliance in Guildwars. How do you not have issues where tons of people are involved, even small groups, especially where  only text is involved? You don't. Well, a few people were annoyed with the alliance leader and decided to leave the alliance. There was an issue with how they left, which, I agree was not handled in the best of ways. Those that left wanted my Dad and I to join them. I thought it over and talked to my Dad about it. We decided to sit on it for a few days. As it turns out, I don't think we will be leaving the Alliance to join theirs. There are some things going on in their alliance that I don't like. Sure it's one person but that person is also having a friend still within my alliance spy on me and other active players. I don't like that. So, I think we will simply remain friends with those who have left and play with them when there is an occasion.

I have been blogging a little bit today. I wrote a couple blog posts for Detangled Writer's. I wanted to work on a draft for this blog, but I just didn't feel up to today. My back has been hurting and I've had to shift my position from laying down to sitting up several times and never seem to be able to stay in one position long enough to be comfortable to write the lengthy blog that's waiting to be written.

On to music! I have mentioned it before and I'm sure I will again many many times, that my favorite internet radio station was taken off the air a couple of years ago. Since then I have had the worst time trying to find something to supplement. You know how you just find the right mix of things and it feels good and you can relax but not be distracted in weird way? Well this radio station was a mix of Gothic Rock, Love Metal, Industrial, Gothic Metal, Dark Wave, and New Wave. It was awesome! Of course I listened to other things too, like Jpop and JRock, my movie and anime soundtracks, and Radio Rivendell which does fantasy music and soundtracks. I also listened to Traditional Chinese music when  the mood struck me. But all in all that station was on almost 24-7. I wrote to the music playing the airwaves, slept to it, and listened to it while doing just about everything else.

Pandora sort of helps. I have two stations I can flip between. It's not the same but it's helping me get to a place where things feel right, enough to gain a little confidence in writing. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else, but it does to me and that's all that matters.

Oh, I donated plasma yesterday and am going again tomorrow. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it was going too. Better yet, the phlebotomist who hooked me up to the machine was really good. Even though she had to dig a little to catch my rolly-poly vein, she got it, didn't blow it, and it didn't hurt. I am going to keep donating plasma for as long as I can. Sure I like getting money out of it, who doesn't, but I also like that I am helping someone, especially since I am not an organ donor. I've caught shit from people for not being one. People have unfairly made me feel uncomfortable as if I was some horrible person for not being one. Do Not EVER tell me what to do with my body now or after I am dead. I have my reasons and if I choose to become an organ donor in the future, I will do it in my own time.    

The cats are doing well, except for all three of them needing baths. Galen has been pretty clingy today. Ellie is snoring happily beside me and I have no idea where Yoda went but he had a treat today, some ice cream. I gave him just a tiny bit  and then let Galen lick the bowl so he'd have a little bit of a treat as well. The cats all love to curl up on my bed but I think they like it even more so now since we have two fans going and the room dark. It's so hot that I closed the blinds and the curtains. I am thinking of buying another fan and putting a blanket over the window. 

Blogging about not wanting to blog, what?

Maybe I am still experiencing jet-lag and or I am just tried and in a lot of pain, overwhelmed, or something, but I don't really feel up to blogging tonight. But I'm right here blogging. Doesn't really make sense does it? No, I thought not.

I am back in Northern Idaho. My flight was okay for the most part. Did you know that Delta airlines serves peanuts in flight? I did not and am really glad that I'd taken some allergy medication that morning else I would have been in a world of trouble. As it was my throat tightened up a little. Also, the woman next to me on one of the flights decided that my hip was her personal arm rest.

Back to blogging about not wanting to blog.  Earlier in the day I'd gone to the library and planned to write up several posts and post date them. Everything was going well until for some reason my computer decided that it wasn't going to let me do anything with the internet at the library. Jeez, what a punk ass! Any way, I had to save the post to a document and calm myself by perusing the shelves. I satisfied myself with a book on weapons and another on castles. You know since I need to know about that kind of stuff for my stories.

I might have picked up where I left off as far as blogging went when I got home but I just didn't feel up to it and when we came in the words "What the fuck?!" left my mouth. Why? Because Dad-in-law decided to rearrange the living room again. So I helped finish it up. Only I didn't do much at all, just dusted a few things and then made dinner.

I might have tried blogging after dinner except we decided to go to Hasting's for the 2 for 1 happy hour coffee special. I decided that I would be happier playing Guild Wars except that I wasn't.

I left a guild and started my own with my Dad several years ago because I didn't like drama. Dad managed to talk me into joining an alliance. So far things have been okay, but people come and go and there has been some drama here and there. Well, two guilds left the alliance recently and that pissed off the alliance leader. He sort of talked to me about it yesterday but was kind of vague about it. I noticed that a couple of other guilds had left including a couple of new ones that had joined just yesterday, today. And then I got a private message from someone explaining what had happened and what was going on, one of the people who had left. Oh boy! And when I thought there might be a group of people to faction farm, the alliance leader who said he was going to put the call out for such a group decided to log off. That's fine, no problem, I went on a vanquish mission. But for the next few days, I'm not looking to push the envelope on faction farming. I do not want to donate faction into an alliance that is unstable.

And of course now that I am home, not having internet connectivity problems, and have played my game, I've looked at my draft list and said "Nope, not happening". Tomorrow is another day. Well, I guess it's already tomorrow but I haven't slept so it doesn't count and after I wake up, I should be more inclined to write as well as blog. 

Flowers, Squirrels, and friends.

Flowers on the table in front of the window at Grandma's house.

I've been in Kansas this month thanks to my girlfriend, Skoora. I miss her and I miss the kitties. However, I am glad that I was able to come. I've enjoyed spending time with my friends/ pseudo siblings Lucas and Emma and with my family. It's been a very peaceful and mostly stress-free visit. 

My parents took me to see Star Trek: Into Darkness and no matter how much my Dad hates going to movie theaters, I loved that he went. My Mom and I also met Lucas and Emma for an evening to see Iron Man 3 which was really fun and I enjoyed both films. 

While visiting one day, my friend Emma passed on her old camera to me. I kind of panicked a little bit because it's such an expensive gift. She would like me to practice and perhaps, if I get good enough, someday work with her. That would be very nice. I took the picture above with it and several others but I am still trying to get the hang of it. I think I will be playing with it for quite awhile before I really feel comfortable. But that's what the cats and nature are for. 

I haven't written anything since I've been down here but I have worked on the Detangled Writer's blog some. My Dad and I had to look at the xhtml and we've both decided what to do about the white blocks. I've taken care of most of it and know how to deal with the rest. I had to change the background of the blog to make things look better. 

We had a day where there was severe weather. Nothing as terrible as what happened in Oklahoma, and to those folks, I send good thoughts and sympathy. However, we did have a Tornado at the airport which is very close to my parents house. There was hail and wind and rain and for a little while I was concerned that we might lose the basement window. We didn't, thankfully. To the left is a picture of a squirrel after the storm. He and one of his fellows were in a tree in my parent's backyard and hanging on even after the storm had passed as if they weren't going to be taken from their tree.  

I have also spent sometime with my cousins. We've watched some movies and a little bit of last seasons True Blood. I would like to spend a little more time with them and with my Aunt. And of course I have been to my Grandparent's house. In fact, Grandpa was even comfortable enough (he has Alzhimer's and gets confused and uncomfortable when talking) to tell me some family stories I hadn't heard before. There were some that I had heard but I don't mind it when he tells those to me. I just like it when he talks to me. I was supposed to spend the night at their house one night but my back was bothering me and for some reason I had a small panic attack because my Mom was starting to make the motions of leaving. I don't know why I panicked over that, I've never had an issue spending the night at my Grandparent's house, but I suppose me hurting and getting over being sick might have had something to do with it. 

I am finally getting to spend some time with my Dad. The first two weeks of my visit he was finishing up the semester. We've played Guild Wars and gotten our faction farming donation numbers up again. We also farmed Sunspear points. Aside from that we've talked shop about writing and he's going to look at some technical things I am having trouble with in one story and I would like some of his input on another. 

The rest of my time has been spent with my Mom and their dog, Kali. My Mom has managed to break a toe one day and then bruised the rest on the same foot two days later. Tonight she stubbed those poor toes on something in my Dad's office. She just can't win. Oh and I conned her into watching Vampire Knight today. 

That's all for now, I need to lay down and get some sleep so I can get up and shower and try to visit all those that want to see me tomorrow. Sadly, I don't think I will be able to spend time with everyone who wants to see me tomorrow. I get so worn out and tired and y back has been bothering me pretty badly lately.

In the words of Gru, "Not cool"

I just popped onto Guild Wars to see who was on, check to see if our alliance still held House Zu Heltzer, and to see where the territory lines are between the Kurzicks and the Luxons (which changes depending on how alliance battles go). The Luxon bastards are winning! RAWR!

This doesn't make me happy. This means that I will be spending my evening faction farming to keep my guild's faction points up over 1 million and in the Alliance Battles fighting to get our territory back instead of helping other guild members with quests and mission like I had planed. Or even doing some missions, quest, and elite skill hunting.

Hiccups, Migraines, Alliance Battles, and Dresses

I have had a terrible migraine today and it was bad enough that I actually went to lay down for a bit earlier today. I accidently took a nap and when I awoke, I had two cats sleeping next to me in the bed and my migraine was even worse. So, I decided that it was time to take some medicine.

It helped for a little while, long enough for me to get a dress I have been meaning to get sewn, sewn. But before too long, while I was eating dinner and trying to make up some an invitation for a friend's graduation party, my migraine started to kick my ass again. This is not good. I am supposed to be on Guild Wars tonight to participate in Alliance Battles.

To make matters that much more annoying, I also have the hiccups!

I suppose I am just going to have to take some more medicine, go lay down for a little while, and hope that I can play Guild wars a little later. 

Back from birthday trip

View from my hotel room

I went with the gf, her mother, and her aunt up to a casino north of where I live for my birthday. We did a little gambling, went swimming, sat in the dry sauna and the hot tub. I played Guildwars with my Dad and some people in my alliance while Skoora finished up her MFA homework. It was very relaxing and the only thing I felt any real pressure to do was decide what I wanted for dinner. 

However, I came back with something, a cold or bug of some kind. I feel terrible today! So what did I do? I went to the store and bought some 'make me feel better' treats. We bought strawberries, cheese, mini peppers, coffee creamer, pizza rolls, and grapes. We also picked up two scary movies from the Red Box, Sinister and Possession. 

Both movies were good, creepy, and I am happy to watch something a little lighter before bed. Not that Criminal Minds is any lighter but Skoora's mom snagged the TV remote before I could do much about it. I will probably vacate to the bedroom pretty soon. Since I want to be well before this weekend, I had better get some sleep. 

I can't remember what else I was going to write about... I am trying an experiment in cheese dying. I am trying to make green cheese for St. Patrick's day. I have no idea how this is going to turn out, if the cheese will be any good, or if everyone, including me, will turn noses up at it. 

I have been very very bad or good, however you look at it.

My Lich costume

 I have been so terrible lately. I haven't worked on a story, novel, or any blog posts for Detangled Writers, Crimson's Crafts and Culinary, or even this one in the last couple of days.

Why? Because my Dad talked me into joining an alliance with a real go-get-er guild. They do Urgoz's Warren, Fissure of Woe, and lots of faction farming runs. (we are Kurzicks by the by). Dad and I have been in The Jade Quarry the last two days turning our imperial faction from battles into Kurzick faction.

So far between the two of us, We've pumped in a 800,000+ faction into the alliance. And in doing that, along with our allies, we are helping to keep a town and discount merchants and the like. It's really nice. Plus we get to play with and talk to some really nice people. They do some training and teaching, show what skill combinations work best for them, and frankly, they've got me wishing I had more level 20 characters of other professions to swap out and play with  with them.

I've been a little of wary of joining any alliances because most of the time when I am in towns and have local chat on, I don't like a lot of what is being said. I also used to be in a guild and alliance (after I left to make a guild with my Dad) with a couple who happen to be the brother and sister-in-law of my girlfriend. There's some bad blood between us on account of what they did to my girlfriend's parents, how they've treated us, and even me separately  but I'm not going to get into that, it's done and over with. And I have been a little hesitant of joining another alliance because that meant socializing with people I didn't know and I don't do that very well, actually have a phobia of it.  Most of the time people either piss me off or worry me.

My Dad and I.

Moving on, I guess I need to do some recruiting for my guild. I have Kat, but she's been busy with school. I thought I had another friend but the game she got for xmas didn't work and I don't think she is going to get another one and play, which is okay, it's no big deal especially since she is also in school and really trying to crack the whip on herself to write. So, I have been putting up recruiting messages on my facebook. So far, no one has taken me up on it. I was thinking of trying it on my google plus account, but I am a little hesitant to do so. Three people, I don't know have added me in the last two weeks with no messages, and as far as I can tell, one of those is people might be spam. I haven't added them in return. I feel bad about it, but until I get more info out of them, I'm not going to pretend we are friends and invite them into my little world.

So, I think Dad and I will have to talk about recruiting, the when and where, and maybe take lessons from the leader of the FaT guild.
 

That's a bunch of us playing in URgoz's Warren

Oh and before I shift gears away from Guild Wars, yesterday I was in The Jade Quarry and someone sent me a whisper in German. I think, because they had a German name, that they were, well German. And since my character name is German, well you get it. Anyway, I have no idea what they said and since I was away from my computer at the time and they were gone by the time I got back, I couldn't ask. And of course, I forgot to write it down to translate it in google translator or even ask a friend who is taking German. In the end, I thought it was really cute and was and still am really tickled. 

All right, sleep. Oh boy, sleeping has been interesting. I've been conking out pretty quickly and sleeping very hard. Still having some wild dreams thanks to the new meds, and waking up in the morning is rather interesting. I seem to find myself asking "What the hell was that dream about?" and also, "Will you make the sun go away, I want more sleep". That dreaded day star doesn't make me happy, especially when it's not hidden by clouds first thing in the morning. I am not a morning person. I am worse after the five to ten minute internal convincing that has to be done to make myself get up and out of bed. I just pretend to be cheerful or nonchalant toward my house mates while the truth is, I am mentally smacking them with frying pans, pouring hot coffee in their laps. Okay, I'm not that bad... wait, yes I am. Heh heh heh, guess you'll never know because I'll never tell.

My birthday is coming up. I will be spending it at a casino north of where I live, mostly for the swimming and the nice balcony I can sit on and watch the river. Yes, I'll do a little gambling, but I'm really not one much for it. I hardly ever win anything and if I do it's so little and I almost never walk away with more than I came with. I really just want to relax and finish the books I borrowed from the library. Okay, and yes, maybe even play Guild Wars for a little bit while I am there. 

On a side note, I am going to make a list of crafts I want to get done this spring and then have two days where I do nothing but write about them and then do a craft blog dump, but schedule them, so people aren't spammed with them. I also have to do the same for Detangled Writers and I have several I want to do for this one.

The sun! It burns it burns!

Went over to my girlfriend's Aunt Lola's for a pool party. There weren't but a few people there so it was easy and casual. My back was really hurting so the cool pool water looked good. But there were a couple of flaws with this plan. The pool is outside meaning the sun was on us constantly. Despite having some fun watching my girlfriend get beaten up by her 14 year old cousin with a floaty noodle, I came home with a killer head ache, a sun burn, and was completely worn out. Which, is kind of strange since I basically stood around in the pool all day. But we don't have sun block and since I nearly always go out covered and usually swim in an indoor pool at the Kroc Center, I didn't even really think about it.

Well, I tried a nap. Didn't work. So here I sit with a head ache, sun burn, and still sleepy but not sleepy enough to go to bed. *Sigh* I hate these moments. My head hurts too much to really read or try writing and I'm too awake to sleep. I don't really want to watch a movie especially since I do want to read or write.

Oh well, I will figure something out to do. On the upside it was nice to talk to someone about Guild Wars and movies. And it was nice to just kind of relax. I think today was the first day in a very long time that I didn't have a panic attack.  

Disability

I am patiently waiting to go home. We've been visiting friends all weekend and I would have preferred to have been home last night. But as with most things, it doesn't hurt me to want... or does it? I'm out of pain medicine. I called it in before we left Friday afternoon but my pharmacy is two hours away and I pretty much want to vomit and cry, I hurt so much today. I think it is a testament to exactly how much patience I have with my Gf and friends no not be pitching a fit.

Since visiting these friends, a set of twins, I've really noticed some things. One is a bit lazy and doesn't like to take her dog outside, which leads to said dog having accidents on the floor. The other twin is typically the one who has to clean it up. This other twin is also the one who I've only seen cleaning the house, cooking, and doing the dishes. I really don't think that's all that fair, but it's not my house, and I am just making an observation.

Either way, it reminds me of exactly how one sided chores are becoming between myself and my Gf. I can't do as much around the house any more because of my back. Some days I have problems dressing myself, showering, and going to the bathroom. It is humiliating to not even be 30 years old and have to have someone help you with the simple things I should be able to take care of myself. And, I really hate asking my gf to do anything because I know it gets old and frustrating. Worse, I really hate waiting on her. I always say if I combined the time I've spent waiting on my mother and my Gf... I want that half of my life back.

My back isn't always so debilitating. I have weeks where the pain is tolerable and I can move around pretty well. I try to do a lot in those weeks from cleaning, to getting out to do things, ect... And sometimes I think, I might be able to go back to school or get a job and then I move wrong, sleep wrong, or something and I'm back to being a useless lump again. It's bad enough, that my own father, who ground into me that not being in school or working was shameful and that trying to get on disability when you're not seriously disabled is a crime, tells me I need to apply. 

I feel like I am not seriously disabled because I am and have been working to make my back better, because I have days and weeks where I can move around like a normal person. I also feel like if I do get accepted for disability, then it is the end for me, that I am saying that I am giving up and there are no more options left. Now I'm not saying that any of my friends who are on it have given up and I certainly don't look down on them. Each friend who is on it, is on it legitimately and for good reason.

But me? I can't work, I can't go to school, no matter how hard I try. Some days, I can't even sit up for long periods of time. So what do I do? Kill what's left of my self esteem and bend and apply and spend the next several months to possibly years fighting to get disability? Or keep on like this? Either way, I'm going to be a depressed, useless burden to someone.

Kind of makes any wants, plans, or goals seem really pointless. Especially that Vlog channel I made. I don't even know how I am going to have reasonable content when I am stuck at home being a bump on a log. *Sigh*

Good news, I guess Guild Wars 2 is STILL on pre-order. I don't know why they are getting everyone so excited. They've only done a limited amount of beta testing with people and still haven't set a release date. 

Into the exciting life of... You're kidding me right?

So! I've completely and utterly been procrastinating on my homework. You'd think, one class, no big deal, just sit down and tackle that beast... of three chapters and a group project. Right? No. The truth is, I tried to do my homework yesterday evening and upon not being able to answer the first question of my homework assignment, I slammed the textbook shut and neatly and very orderly put everything away and picked up my computer to watch episodes of The Guild on Netflix.

*sigh*

I know, I know, I'm horrible. There's only a few weeks left to go in this stupid class. I should just do it and get it over with. But I have this annoying mental block that's driving me crazy. Half of me wants it done and over with, all homework and labs turned in, group project (my part of it) finished, and just sit back and study for the final. The other half of me wants to just throw in the towel and deal with it later. Can't do that. It's just so weird! All my homework is a B+, I just got caught up and turned in most of my labs so that should bring that portion of my grade up, and my first big test in the class got a C+. I should have a pretty good grade but I don't and it's really beginning to drive me crazy! I really just want to get this over with so I can get on to more exciting things. Things that actually pertain to my degree.

Back to The Guild. I've really enjoyed the show. I definitely want to see more. Sorry, no spoilers for those who haven't seen it. I'm not a total kill joy. Needless to say, it's invoked the inner nerd in me and now I want to play Guild Wars tonight... I'm waiting until my Dad is finished watching The A Team with my mom so we can get some of our outstanding quests taken care of. I haven't played in over a month. This of course just facilitates my procrastination but I really don't care. I want to kill monsters and have my lacking sense of accomplishment rectified in game since I seem to fail at it in life.

Oh, but I did start the drawing on the mock up design for the kitchen. I have to do everything on a sketch pad since I don't have a drawing tablet and nifty software like all my friends. Working on that. Anyway, that's kind of satisfying the inner interior designer in me and the artsy part of me that longs to come out. Now if only I could find my paint... And for that matter my brushes.

That reminds me, I need to pose my idea for thank you cards to our Service Men and Women to my DAR Regent and have some mock ups ready for when DAR gets started again. It's an idea that spawned from my own social phobia and not being able to walk up to a Service Man in the air port a couple of weeks ago.

Well, off to try and post for my other blog. See ya later.

An early morning farewell, a door opens, and some tid bits.

Aside from this piece of art being one of my favorites, I thought it was an appropriate image for how I feel at the moment. If one were to turn the Knight into the apartment my girlfriend and I are vacating, the Lady would be myself saying a soft and sweet farewell. Yet somehow I feel as if I could be the Knight riding off to said apartment to battle the task of moving out. However, for us we will not be returning to the happy and relieved arms of our apartment when all is said and done.

For the last week I have been scrambling and packing with a firm, unrelenting and dreaded deadline in fast approach. My back is still giving me much grief, my knees have decided to join the pain parade, and due to the extreme heat here in the mid-west, this moving experience has not been a pleasant one. In fact, I have been so frustrated and so stressed from lack of boxes, lack of time, or this or that, that I have quite literally tossed any sense of organization out the window and am just packing things as I go along in plastic sacks, trash bags, luggage ect... But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have very little left to pack and just have a little cleaning to do and come Friday afternoon, we'll turn in our keys and say "So long and thanks for all the fish".

My one class this quarter isn't going as well as I had hoped. I just got an update on my grade for the class and nearly cried. After all the work I put into making sure I had my book work done, I have a big, whopping F for the class and that's due to me not being caught up on the labs (which I am still in the process of doing). On top of that we just had a test with a study guide of over 100 questions and I studied and I looked over the study guide before the test and when I got the damned test it was only 15 questions long. Then my instructor went over the test after everyone had it handed in. I am pretty sure I only got 3 questions right. So, since my back was really giving me trouble and I was depressed, I left school during the second break.

However, despite all the negative, harrowing, and depressing things going on in my life right now, I had my first therapy session yesterday. I decided that I was going to see if I could get a therapist through social services program just so I could talk to someone outside my network of people and see if I couldn't get some other ideas on how to cope with stuff yada yada yada. Anyway, her diagnosis of me was that I have severe depression (I already knew that) and I have some social phobias. The session went well, I really like her, and she had some interesting things to say. I go back in two weeks and she said that she would have some things outlined for me to help me better deal with some of the problems I am dealing with. Leaving her office felt like a door opening to something really good. I really felt better.

Fun tidbits, my Dad helped me get the Dragon mask for this year's Dragon festival in Guild Wars. It;s pretty cool and eventually I'll log on and get a screen shot of it. My Mom and I are going to play with some of the gemstones she's been collecting and make some jewelry together and she's excited to show me some new TV series she's been watching. In a week or two we will have a friend from Idaho coming down to visit us, which will be awesome since we haven't seen her in almost two years! We really want to see her sister too, but they don't have anyone to take care of their animals so she's staying behind and will come later this year.

And lastly, I started watching this anime on Hulu while waiting for my Girlfriend to get off work one night last week. So far so good. I've only seen 4 episodes but it's interesting and when I get some more time I am really looking forward to seeing the rest of it.