I love my rock.

Last night I was a little bit manic. I could not shut up! 

Generally speaking I am quiet and I prefer to listen and observe more than I like to talk. This works in my favor when visiting with Amanda's Mom because she is truly a chatty Cathy. There are occasions that I get heated or excited about something and can be as chatty as the next person. However, there is a difference between that and a manic episode. 

I didn't used to have these. I'm not sure exactly when I began having, sometime right before the hysterectomy, probably about the time shit hit the fan. They haven't gone away but I haven't had them that often either and I have told Amanda that I don't mind them that much, I usually get a lot of things done when they come, and being productive always makes me feel better. 

Well, not so much last night. Amanda was trying to do something on my computer (since hers isn't working) and I just kept talking. I apologized, but nearly every thought that came to my head made its way out of my mouth too. Eventually, I dozed off, and she was able to get some stuff done.

Today, when I woke up, I felt distracted, unfocused, and like I was ready to jump out of my skin. Everything seemed rush rush rush for no reason. This isn't the cloudy or unfocused feeling I get from the fibromyalgia, that feels like an unfocused slow drag where I can't seem to completely wake up despite being full awake. So, needless to say I was a bit unsettled when I was trying to get some things done. 

Eventually I'd had enough. Sitting still and meditating didn't really appeal to me and I had this notion that I might need to try grounding myself. So I googled "grounding gemstones" to see if I had any. I, in fact, do. I have hematite and jasper. Since my hematite is in the bedroom, I grabbed the jasper out of my gemstone bag and just held it.  I also put on quiet, ambient background music, and went about doing some things. 

It helped. I think it works better when I hold it in my hands- right now it is tucked in my bra so I can type and still have skin contact with it. I'm still manic but being able to focus on one thing at a time is such a relief.

Cleaning Castle Nacht, enjoying the quiet and the kitty, grieving

Today, we are cleaning Castle Nacht, a.k.a- the house. Its not truly that bad. It just need to be picked up and dusted, some things moved around, and vacuumed and swept. I need to do a little food prep for the week and get a soup started in the crock pot. A load of laundry is has already been put in the wash and is ready to be dried and another put in the wash. 

I did not sleep well last night. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night to bloody mess in the bed, which sucks because we had just put clean sheets on the bed before going to bed. Gee, thanks PCOS. I cleaned up as much as I could and tried to get Amanda up, but she said it was fine until today. In other words, she was too out of it to want to get up and deal with changing the sheets again. I can't blame her, she had to be up at 4 this morning to go to work. I will be dealing with that shortly. 

This morning I was pestered awake and then stalked by Narcisa. She was out of food so I fed her, grabbed a granola bar for myself and plopped down on the sofa. Apparently she still wanted my attention because she came over shortly after breakfast. She's been back a couple of times, going between me and the patio window. 

The house has been nice and quiet all morning and I am enjoying it. I did talk to my friend Felicia for a little bit. She's having it rough since having her baby a little over a week ago. She had to do a  C-Section because there were some complications and now, it seems that her beautiful baby girl may have to have stomach surgery. I really hope if she does, everything goes perfectly. I finally met and got to hold the baby yesterday and I already adore her and want to spoil her. Of course I want to spoil her older siblings too and miss seeing them every day. 

No matter how many people tell me it is okay to apply for disability, that I do deserve it because I do need it, that I am just having a hiccup, its still killing me inside. I am so angry with my body and I don't want to be. I am so tried of fighting and never getting anywhere. I feel like a soul-sucking-energy-draining-mood-killing black ball when I am around other people. I feel tolerated  and I know that isn't true. I know its my inner depression and anxiety demons whispering in my ear. I know it isn't true because I am still so floored when people want to spend time with me. I don't know. I'm tired and grieving the physical life I used to have, the confidence that doesn't exist anymore, the fearlessness. I don't know how to fix me and all I want to do is hide until I can be and give something of value. Because right now, aside from being with Amanda and keeping house and cooking food, I don't see a future for myself and I am afraid that I am just doing to drag everyone around me down with me. I don't want to and I am so sorry if I am putting extra stress on anyone.  

  

I keep trying to disappear into the couch but it's not happening...

I made the mistake of coming home from Corbin park today so I could pee in the comfort of my own bathroom. Of course, Amanda's parents said they were going fishing today. They didn't. No, they were home and moving some stuff out into the garage. I decided to pick up the bedroom a little and vacuum, which was a mistake. Like every morning I woke up in pain but vacuuming really hurts my back. I did manage to get the sheets into the wash. 

~Side note there is something beeping in this living room but I don't know where or what~

So, I decided to take a rest and watched a Dude Like Hella Vlog, check my e-mail and what not. Amanda's mother began to chit chat about half a dozen things, most of which involve me doing this or that with her but nearly all of it I don't have answers for. Like decorating for Halloween. Amanda and I haven't decided what we are doing yet and I have a friend's birthday part to plan/decorate for so I don't want to go doing a bunch of stuff, especially when I hurt. 

But this woman is awake and hyper and ready to go, talking incessantly. At least she was for a few minutes. She's informed me that she is going to go lay down because she hurts, which I don't doubt. She's running herself ragged at her job and really shouldn't be working in the first place. Still, I need some quiet time to edit my story before I turn it in tonight and I'm just not ready to be talked at. I'm actually very tired. Chronic pain takes it toll on a person ad more than that, I've been feeling kind of sluggish so either I'm having another bout of anemia coming on or I am getting ready to start my period. Since I missed the last month or so, when it comes, it will be awful. 

Ah, but she has gone to bed and the house is quiet, finally. Time to get back to work... or take a quick nap myself. I'll switch the laundry before I do anything else.