Shit heads, kicked out of bed, and good news, finally!

First I'd like to point out that my darling fiance is a bitch. She's happily, loudly, snoring the night away, cozy, and smack dab in the middle of our bed. She got testy with me when I asked her to turn over. Then the next thing I know she's facing me again and gradually pushing me out of the bed. Fine, I'll just go sit on the sofa,, which is where I am. I've only been here since about 3:30 am, wide awake, peckish, and thinking about turning to coffee pot on- since I apparently don't get to sleep. 

Second, the apartment twats strike again. The renovation noise was pretty bad yesterday but I only have to put up with it in the afternoon. They turned off the stair well lights so our entry way is dark, okay no big deal, I guess. But what kind of pissed me off yesterday was the note on my door about cigarette butts littering the stair well that they say clean up or get a 25 dollar fine. The letter was addressed to everyone but only my door received it. 1. Not all of those are mine. 2. I am getting to it but I'm kind of in the middle of moving, because you are kicking me out. 3. Go fuck yourself. They just want more money. They also know that we are pretty tidy with the outdoor stuff, our patio is damned cute. Also, all those cigarette butts at the entrance to our stairwell was from me sweeping them up from the parking lot in the first place. I just got distracted and forgot to grab a bag to put them in for the trash. I've kind of been uber stressed out the last several months, I'm not always on top of everything. The really vindictive side of me wants to sweep up our entire section's parking lot, wait until we move out a couple of weeks and then slip in sometime in November to dump them all on the office door step. However, I won't  because it's not management who will have to clean it up, it the maintenance guys.

There is good news. My friend Rachel bleached and dyed my hair last night. I was going for a darker blue ombre look. The sapphire blue didn't really come out as dark as it was supposed to and I need to do a little touch up for missed spots, I just decided that I am going to take what is left of the sky blue and do an all over application today. I'll catch the missed spots and even out what sort of took and what didn't. I also think that for this ombre effect to really work, with the blue that is, I need get my blues farther apart in color. As in do really dark, a medium, and a really light. I think I got them too close together. No big, it was a learning experience. I'm just happy to have all blue hair again. 

The best piece of good news, and one that makes me feel a large sense of relief, is that we were pre-approved for a home loan yesterday. Our lender is such a nice guy and he is going to send me a list of realtors that his company works with. After talking with some friends who have been through the home buying process, that seems to work the best because both entities know each other's process and can help us fast track when we find a home we like.  

They are so pretty! Morning Panic and if you can, do.

Recently Amanda and I have caught up on Junjo Romantica, a boys love/yaoi series. If you like fluff and mild angst- and by mild I mean a hell of a lot lighter than anything you will see in Game of Thrones- and like cute anime boys like we do, you might give it a go. I pretty much giggle, squee, and get really wrapped up in the romance and cuteness of the show. I cry "YES!" every time a kiss I have been waiting for happens or coo with giddy delight when there is an 'I love you' spoken. No, really, it's kind of ridiculous. 

Well, this weekend we happened to see another boys love/ perhaps yaoi anime called Yuri on Ice, that pretty much made me do the same things. I'm not really a sports anime fan, but this was figure skating. Normally just watching figure skating can move me to tears because I find it really beautiful. I also love figure skating because a lot of the time the skaters will pick lovely music to preform to and I can get carried off by music faster than anything. So, on top of this anime being figure skating, and boys love/ perhaps yaoi, there was great music and the animation was fantastic! I can't wait to see the next season and the movie when they come out. 

Our friends, a pair of twins we've known for years, were the ones who showed us this anime. We went down to see them this weekend and to talk about bachelorette party stuff. While we were there, I got to talking to one of the twins about being really tempted to get a crunchyroll account so I can watch more anime, but at the same time being afraid to do so because then I would just watch anime all day. She asked me why, because if I can do it, then do it. I replied with 'because I'm supposed to be writing a novel'. 

This is one of those things wherein I struggle on a couple of fronts. Firstly, I spent too much time arguing over what to watch with friends and even Amanda, that I eventually gave up and just watched what everyone else wanted to watch so the sake of accommodation and so we wouldn't spend more time looking for something instead of watching something. That ate a lot of time that I never really felt I had. Secondly, time is something I have a problem with, in that all the things I love to do take time and there are only so many hours in the day and like it or not, I do have to sleep sometime. Last but not least, it is easier to people please and unintentionally kill my own joys than fight with people and try to come to compromise. You'd think over a silly little thing as something to watch that's stupid but when you get really worn out or just don't have the spoons to deal, saying 'sure' takes less energy. I've been working on standing my ground because I need those little joys. Something as silly and simple as a movie or an anime series of my choosing makes me really happy and often gives me inspiration for other things. 

So while I was having a good time, yesterday morning's panic attack took me by surprise. I woke up in pain, as I typically do, but I was hurting a little more than usual and while I was getting dressed I started to cry and panic. Amanda wanted to know what was going on and I told her it was because I was hurting. But I managed to get calmed down and took some Alieve. It doesn't kill the pain, but it can sometimes take enough of the edge off, to make things bearable, and unlike prescription pain meds and muscle relaxers, it doesn't leave my brain fogged more than I sometime am anyway, or knock me out. 

Aside from that we are home again. I haven't slept yet because I started getting some things in order and or ready for this week. A couple of things are out of the way already and then I decided to clean out email and so on. Amanda and I started working on a story together so I spent a little time on it before I realized what time it was. At that point, I said screw it, I have to take Amanda to work anyway, might as well wait to sleep until after.  Even if I I sleep for 4-5 hours, I'll still wake up in time to get some stuff done before Amanda gets home from work.    

Spider on the glasses, general update, and making a new schedule

Last night sleep stood me up, so instead of tossing and turning in bed- and because I was hurting- I decided to get up and do something constructive. I made myself some planner stickers with some pretty moon pictures I found on pinterest. I even made my own template, which was kind of pain because I was basically watching youtube vids and teaching myself how to do stuff- some was refresher, but some of it wasn't. 

Since I didn't get sleep last night, I thought I was seeing shit this morning when I took Amanda to the bus stop. Turns out I wasn't, there really was something dangling from my glasses and it was a tiny spider. Normally I would have freaked, cried, and thrown things. But, I think because I was behind the wheel of a car and even though it was in park, something in my head flipped the calm switch. I took off my glasses and got a napkin then squished the thing. Do not say anything that spider broke the treaty. I have a policy if it's in the house Amanda takes it outside or I kill it, same goes for the car, especially since it was ON ME! Anyway, I thought I was doing pretty well except for the rest of the morning I kept thinking stuff was crawling on me and even had moments where I imagined spiders bursting through my skin. Yeah, I was NOT a happy camper. Needless to say after my therapy appointment and after lunch, I promptly sat on the sofa with the heating pad (because I hurt my back again recent- upper back this time) and took a nap. Thankfully sleep didn't stand me up this time.

We've been a bit busy lately. We've had dinner at a friend's house, friends have had dinner here, and we've had a wedding party planning party. Add some errands, grocery shopping, sleeping most of an entire day away, and I haven't really played too much on the internet. Or even really been on my computer that much. But that is going to change per se, after this weekend. A lot is going to change after this weekend, at least for me. I can't wait around anymore on my body or on other people. So I am going to make myself a new schedule and try it out. I know I keep talking about it, but I just need to do it. I need to stop trying to accommodate everyone else and just accommodate myself for a change. 

Feeling like crap, affirmations, found things

In the comments of my last post, I mentioned to a friend that I would post a couple of the affirmations that I have on some manifestation boards in my house. I went on an affirmation seeking excursion on pinterest several months ago and only saved the ones that I really liked- or rather the ones I felt I needed most or that felt like me. I saved a couple of writer's quotes too. Anyway, the above affirmation is kind reminding me that I don't need permission to do what I need or want.

I love Lily Munster and I felt this was really great for how hesitant I've been about dressing and doing make up the way I've wanted to for years. It's weird, I don't give a shit about what the general public thinks, but my Grandparents and parents, their opinions hit me harder than anyone else's. Took me getting to age 33 to say fuck it and come out of the Belfry completely. 

Damn straight! I love this one! Its bad ass and speaks to the side of me that says "fuck with me and I will end you". Yes, I do have a side like that and no, I don't let it show very often. Mostly because I've been a people pleaser all my life. Hence why it took until age 33 to really come out as goth. 

Moving on to a few author's quotes: 

"True Alchemist do not change lead into gold; they change world into words" ~ William H. Gass

"You only fail if you stop writing" ~ Ray Bradbury

"Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass" ~Anton Chekhov

Do these work? For me, I think they do. Whether or not I am putting on make up at my dressing table or working on something at my desk (the two locations that I have these boards) I've seeing something positive that I want to bring into my life or inspire certain elements within me. It;s not a 100% fool proof thing, but I think about 75% of the time they do help and I will take that.

For the last week or so I've been pretty worried about not being able to find some world building notes for a novel I've only sort of started. I keep rewriting the first chapter because I'm not sure where I want to go with it. The truth is, I don't know my characters as well as I would like. They didn't come fully formed, per se. So I am going to use some worksheets I found online to help develop them- again, I found them on pinterest. Anyway, I spent some time in the other room looking and found them!!! They are a disorganized mess. I'm going to have to rewrite them and then transfer them to a word document. Then I'm going to make a reference guide for the story and see how that works for me in as far as plotting and keeping everything together. In other words, I am going to see if putting in extra effort to be organized instead of having chaos all the time, will help me accomplish the damned novel.

I have felt like crap the last couple of days. The depression monster is really kicking my ass again. It also doesn't help that I awoke in pain again this morning and on top of that, Narcisa decided that it was time to bug the shit out of me. She was knock things over on my nightstand, trying to eat my hair, trying to lick me, and would not stop. And if that wasn't enough, Amanda kept slipping her hands under me and pushing me toward the edge of the bed. She almost pushed me off a time or two. I kept waking her up to tell her to stop and the minute she was asleep, she'd shove her hands under me again. One, it hurt and two, it was pissing me off. And then she got really snippy with me for being pissed at her. I just wanted to be left alone to sleep! Of course, Amanda found it funny when she I told her about it later. I didn't. After I took her to work this afternoon, I ended up on the sofa with the heating pad to try and soothe my body. I also took two Naproxen Sodium to take the edge off. I have got to get a handle on this pain. I need to be able to move!   

That's not what that means and when the pain keeps you up.

well this is a lie...

You know those silly little tests and quizzes you can find on the internet. Well, some of my Facebook friends were doing the one above and I refuse to link to it because it is inaccurate. Hannah or the Japanese equivalent of my name "Hana" means flower in Japanese, not Star as my first run through of this test said, and not warrior. But I did like the picture and while my name may not mean warrior, I am going to keep this and maybe print it out for a manifestation board because it is something to hang on to when I'm down. And I have been really, horribly down lately. 

Pain has kept me awake longer and and more frequently lately. I didn't sleep the night before last, had to take Amanda to work, and finally crashed from plain and simple exhaustion after 10 am yesterday. I awoke around 2 pm. Last night it took Amanda trying to tell me a story- she fell asleep-, me throwing the blankets off me to get cold and then warming up, and telling myself a story, getting up and down a few times, before I finally got some sleep. I don't know what time it was but what I do know is that it was almost 1 pm before I awoke today and I awoke in a lot of pain. I haven't been able to quell said pain all day. I tried applying Tiger Balm to all the places that hurt and then some lavender lotion to my hands so that I might relax and sleep, but I just could not get comfortable. Between poor Amanda's snoring (she had sleep apenea and her doctor is working on getting her a Cpap) and the pain, I just said fuck it, and surrendered to the living room. I thought, I might as well try to write since I had a bit of the urge to write today. 

That's not working out so well for me at the moment. I've been to facebook, went to the National Novel Writer's Month website and set up my novel for this year, and have even opened a word document. So far, not one word of my novel has been written. Okay, that's not totally true. I am working on a novel that I tried and have failed to write for the last couple of years. It's a long, depressing story, and maybe I just wasn't ready to write it when I thought I was. Whatever. Suffice it to say, while I was actually kind of dreading signing up and participating in NaNoWriMo this year, and I am late to the party, I am going to do it anyway. 

 My Dad is apparently taking up the challenge this year too. He asked me how many words I had written and when I told him none, he said he had me beat because he has 300+. He and my Mom were on their way to my Grandparent's house and in the background I could hear my Mom instructing me to send her some of my new stories because she is out of things to read again. I don't have that many, just the ones I did for school... But this was pretty much the politest way my Mom could crack her whip and tell me to get my ass in gear. She can be a real bitch with all the "now now now" stuff (she has OCD). But in this instance, it was actually kind of nice.   

Cleaning Castle Nacht, enjoying the quiet and the kitty, grieving

Today, we are cleaning Castle Nacht, a.k.a- the house. Its not truly that bad. It just need to be picked up and dusted, some things moved around, and vacuumed and swept. I need to do a little food prep for the week and get a soup started in the crock pot. A load of laundry is has already been put in the wash and is ready to be dried and another put in the wash. 

I did not sleep well last night. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night to bloody mess in the bed, which sucks because we had just put clean sheets on the bed before going to bed. Gee, thanks PCOS. I cleaned up as much as I could and tried to get Amanda up, but she said it was fine until today. In other words, she was too out of it to want to get up and deal with changing the sheets again. I can't blame her, she had to be up at 4 this morning to go to work. I will be dealing with that shortly. 

This morning I was pestered awake and then stalked by Narcisa. She was out of food so I fed her, grabbed a granola bar for myself and plopped down on the sofa. Apparently she still wanted my attention because she came over shortly after breakfast. She's been back a couple of times, going between me and the patio window. 

The house has been nice and quiet all morning and I am enjoying it. I did talk to my friend Felicia for a little bit. She's having it rough since having her baby a little over a week ago. She had to do a  C-Section because there were some complications and now, it seems that her beautiful baby girl may have to have stomach surgery. I really hope if she does, everything goes perfectly. I finally met and got to hold the baby yesterday and I already adore her and want to spoil her. Of course I want to spoil her older siblings too and miss seeing them every day. 

No matter how many people tell me it is okay to apply for disability, that I do deserve it because I do need it, that I am just having a hiccup, its still killing me inside. I am so angry with my body and I don't want to be. I am so tried of fighting and never getting anywhere. I feel like a soul-sucking-energy-draining-mood-killing black ball when I am around other people. I feel tolerated  and I know that isn't true. I know its my inner depression and anxiety demons whispering in my ear. I know it isn't true because I am still so floored when people want to spend time with me. I don't know. I'm tired and grieving the physical life I used to have, the confidence that doesn't exist anymore, the fearlessness. I don't know how to fix me and all I want to do is hide until I can be and give something of value. Because right now, aside from being with Amanda and keeping house and cooking food, I don't see a future for myself and I am afraid that I am just doing to drag everyone around me down with me. I don't want to and I am so sorry if I am putting extra stress on anyone.  

  

Despite everything, yesterday wasn't as good a day as it sounded.

I haven't really been feeling very well lately. Part of it is the physical pain, yes, that is half of it, but the other half is depression. Both really caught up to me and hit me pretty hard yesterday afternoon. 

As soon as Skoora's parents left to go to the store I finally had the tv to myself. Of course there really isn't anything worth watching around 5 pm and that includes the news so I just flipped through the channels until I found something I could stand being on in the background and even as tired and as much as I was hurting, I got on the exercise bike. I think I lasted about ten whole minutes, if that, before I broke down in tears. Of course the fact that I was crying upset me even more. 

I decided that since I had the house to myself and Skoora's Mom wasn't there to stick her nose into my business, I needed to call my Mom and just vent. But by the time I started talking to my Mom the panic attack started. I really hate calling my Mom when I'm panicking but it was what it was and after I'd taken a xanax and could get my head together, she and I talked about all of it. Of course, she and Dad aren't happy that I am going back to school (I'm doing it online), they are concerned about the debt. But since it's one of the first few things that I've been excited about in a long time, she kind of backed off a little and told me just to take what I need to take to graduate. That's what I'd planned on. 

Skoora and I are broke, which is another problem we are dealing with. Skoora is trying to find another job that will give her more hours in the very least, if not more pay. I need a job as well but my situation is a bit complicated. Call centers aren't a good fit for me, not that I can't do the work, in fact I'm actually pretty good at it, it's just so mentally exhausting. Actually since working in two call centers I have panic attacks when making doctor's appointments, when calling in prescriptions, and especially talking to anyone I do not know over the phone. Most people don't know because I've gotten very good at hiding it.

 As for everything else I am qualified for, I am unable to do it physically on a consistent basis. I've been trying to work on that on my own, especially since I'm apparently not going to get any kind of assistance outside the home. Why not? Oh that's costs money and when you don't have it, no one even wants to look at you. 

There are a couple of other things that contribute to my panic attacks ranging from food control, lack of privacy, lack of respect, other people pushing their agendas (without any consideration for how I feel much less what's going to be more economical for Skoora and I in the long run) on the matter of where we live so much that I just want to strangle them, to what we are going to do about our cars. Add all of that up you'd think that would be enough but this business of me not being able to sleep at night from pain and I just kind of fall apart at random and inconvenient times. It's not good and I don't know what else to do. I guess there's really nothing that I can do. 

I am perpetually stuck in a cycle and people have all sorts of 'advice', none of which is within our affordability or really helps, and most of the time it's just them advocating that Skoora and I do what they want us to do, and never really anything that will actually benefit us. And you know what, I still drag my ass out of bed every day and try to be as positive as I can and keep my complaints down a minimum. 

It's December and I've got cat drool in my hair.

First, I would like to point out that today is my Grandma's 86th birthday. She's still going, sharp as a knife, and I love and miss her very much. She lives back home, in Kansas.

I'm not usually up at 7 in the morning. Well, if I am it's typically because I have to be somewhere or I've stayed up writing or have been in too much pain to sleep. That's not really the case for me this time. This time it's because I stayed up late to play monopoly with some visiting friends, and watch a movie and work on a Christmas/ birthday present. I was hurting pretty bad when I went to bed at 4 am so I took some medicine and it should have knocked me on my butt. However, I think the fact that I really need to make sure Skoora get up, moving, and out the door in time to attend a meeting at work and feed the cats (trust me if I am late, they will make me get out of bed) is what is keeping me from sleeping. It's as if my brain says "nope, not going to let you chance oversleeping" and it's done this to me since I can remember, anytime I need to be some place extra early.

It's very very annoying. But at least it's giving me time to really cuddle with Yoda-Chan and catch up on some blog reading. I did lay down for a little bit earlier and Yoda curled up on my pillow. I pet him for awhile and then got up to use the bathroom and found dried cat drool in my hair! Thanks Yoda, thanks. *sigh* I washed it out but it was still gross. A hazard of being a cat owner I suppose.

We have company for the holiday and have been in and out of the house. Thankfully, our Black Friday shopping has been uneventful and we only had issues with people being rude at once store, something a friend noticed but I had long since become mostly immune to. She had her gallbladder removed recent and had to use one of the electric carts in the store. I had to as well that evening and apparently we got some nasty looks. Great Grandma Ireland used to say 'If you don't like the way I look, you've got three other directions to look". I can stand firmly behind that most of the time, but I more than understand why those people upset her.

I wasn't out for anything in particular this Black Friday. I just wanted to get out and move around despite how much it hurt. Plus, two for one happy hour coffee at Hasting's is always nice. The Barista's still make the Autumn Harvest Breve for me even though it's out of season. Skoora had an eggnog late. We got a few things at Wal-Mart, nothing big. I got a Tripod for my camera. One of my medicines makes me a little shaky so my pictures don't always turn out nice. The tripod will certainly help and it was on sale for $10.

We went to Michael's last night. I picked up some much needed embroidery thread, a new paint brush that I've needed for awhile, and a couple of really pretty candle holder. Skoora wanted some special candles that smell wonderful. When we got home, I set them up in the bathroom and when the candle are lit and the lights are out, it's so pretty in there. The candle holders were on sale and we had a coupon for the rest, well the cashier used one from their ad.

Mostly, we weren't after sales or worried about getting anywhere for anything in particular. We just took it easy and went at our own pace. Being in a over crowed wal-mart was difficult for me but I survived without a panic attack. I don't do well with lots of people. I don't like the noise, how close they crowd around me to get items, or how rude some people can be. (I'm an introvert and agoraphobic and claustrophobic) It also probably helped that we went after the flash sales so most of the people were already gone or leaving the store.

We've had a little snow but, of course, it's melted. We'll have more though. It's cold and rainy at the moment. Galen is curled up in my desk chair. Yoda is curled up next to me on the bed. Skoora is snoring the morning away. Everything is quite and peaceful. For once. Time to get up and make breakfast and coffee.