Conversations with my Father, avocation from an unexpected source, positive affirmations

Yesterday several things happened that were out of the ordinary. Because I couldn't sleep the night before last, Amanda decided that we needed a breakfast date. After she showered, we both got a little dressed up, and went to Denny's. I took her to work, went to Wal-Mart, and then headed over to the library. While I knew it was Veteran's Day and knew the library would be closed, for some reason, I didn't make the connection until I was actually in the library parking lot. So, I sighed and came home to play with the new planner I bought. I will show it and the Day of the Dead skulls we made in the next post.

My therapist is amazing! She wanted to know how my doctor's appointment went because she had been encouraging me to go. Generally speaking I don't like going to the doctor and well we all know from my last post that this woman doesn't seem to actually want to do anything other than peddle her goods and say my weight is the cause of all my problems- which isn't entirely true. Anyway when my therapist heard all the details of my appointment, she was livid. She told me to call my pharmacy right then and there. My doctor had not called in my depression med prescription so she asked me to call my doctor. Well, my doctor only works 4 days a week and Friday is a half day. Since my call was after the doctor's office closed, I had to leave a message. Which only aggravated my therapist further. She took some notes and promised to advocate for me. She's said that I have ups and downs but this latest down has been really bad and she's been really worried about me. That I am out of depression medication is alarming to her, that I can't sleep very well, if at all some nights, is not good, and despite me telling her that I am going to find another doctor, my therapist isn't going to stand for how my doctor treated me. She said it was unacceptable. I was a little surprised. I haven't had a doctor or therapist actually give a shit, actually look at me like a person and treat me as a person not just my weight, in so long that I'd forgotten what it was like.

When I got home I called my Dad and talked to him for two and half hours. I haven't been on the phone for that length of time in years. We talked about many things, most of which I won't go into, that would take too long, but because both my parents are essentially two of my best friends, and I am so blessed for that, I revealed some heavy stuff. Identity crisis feels far too strong a term to describe my thoughts and feelings, but I do feel that I don't know who I am a lot of the time, that I often feel lost and floundering, struggling, and even fighting. I admitted that I have had some pretty devastating thoughts come up in terms of writing. I admitted to panic attack where all I can seem to think or say is "I'm not going to make it," over and over again. And there is so much that is interwoven that one things impacts another. I even admitted that I think I am just now beginning to address, to dig down to try and heal the parts of me that were so shocked, angry, and horribly hurt from back when I was in high school- back when my Grandma Julie died and that seemed to set off a string of deaths in the family, and worse, I saw how utterly disgusting and ugly some members of my family could get and from that point only how it only got worse. We talked about how some of my anger and even some of my rage has come out, I used to cut or beat myself (I want to so badly sometimes, but I won't because I promised my Mom that I wouldn't). My Dad gets it. He knows how debilitating this level, this kind of depression can be. He admitted to sitting on his bed for 45 minutes trying to make himself go brush his teeth one day. I have the same problem some days, I scream at myself just to move, to go take a shower, to clean the house, to do something, anything. It is hard. 

Dad said he was sorry that I ended up getting some of my mother's health problems and all of his depression problems. I said, "yeah and I managed to learn some OCD behaviors from mom too." Which he kind of laughed and told me about my mom's grocery bag obsession. She keeps and reuses them for the wastepaper baskets only she had a grocery bag hold stuffed to the brim and four grocery bags stuffed just as full. Dad said, shocking to him, she actually threw some away. 

Our conversation turned to happier things. Dad filled me in on what he's doing in Eve Online, we talked about how Amanda and I should go see Dr. Strange- that it is even better in IMAX 3-D, or so my Mom says. My Dad can't do 3-D movies because the glasses give him migraines. He got some work so he got my mom out of the house to see a movie. And we talked about how their go-to movie at home lately is Guardians of the Galaxy because my mom loves "rabid raccoon" a.k.a Rocket. I told him that I haven't seen a lot of newer movies or as many as I'd like or even bought any because it's not really Amanda's thing. I used to buy movies all the time and only ones that I knew I would watch over and over. Amanda doesn't really understand that. That's okay. It's not her thing, but it is mine and it makes me happy. Which brings me the fact that I've given up a lot of parts of myself to make others happy or make things easier or run smoother. It really is time to start taking that back and start putting my foot down. While that might cause some confrontation, it needs to happen so I can gain a bit of my self back and I stop doing what everyone else wants. I mean I am pretty flexible and easy going, that's just my nature, but I need to stop being so easy going that I lose out on what makes me happy. 

Also, while my blog is a venting ground, a place for me to decompress and express myself without giving a shit what anyone else thinks, I am choosing to share pieces of my struggles with the hope that anyone who reads this, that has similar feelings and thoughts, knows they aren't alone. There's someone out there that while our experiences are not the same, while I am not in your head, I can't hear your thought or feel your feelings, I do understand, from my perspective how much this this hurts, how debilitating it can get, how frightening, and how much you just want it to stop. Knowing you aren't alone can sometimes help. 

Speaking of happy and bringing in some healing and positivity, the book discussion group I am in did a chapter on meditation which also had section on affirmations. I'm not so great with affirmations so while I don't think some people were as keen on the idea of writing up and making some personal affirmations for homework as I am, I'm just going to do it for myself. This is something I feel I need to do for awhile. I found a couple of really pretty and or nice ones on the internet as a little inspiration and I will leave you with them. 

It's finally over! Post Office Strikes again, subjects I can stand, lack of communication, and yes damn it, more Rocket Raccoon!

Let's start with the obvious. Rocket Raccoon has kind of been a comfort to me. It might seem weird or strange that a cgi gun-toting, foul-mouthed, bomb making raccoon would be comforting, but well, he is. His face reminds me of Yoda, my kitty who passed away this year. Raccoon's are an animal I fell in love with as a child, my parents and family members used to get me plush raccoon toys (I have a small collection), and he just makes me happy. So, the other day when I wasn't doing so well, I watched a little bit of Guardians of the Galaxy, to see Rocket and because its just fun. 

This latest college term is over. I'm not 100% sure of my grades and at this point, I don't care so long as I passed. It was just a crap term and there are better ones ahead. But for now I have a two week break wherein I can actually read something I want to read and study something I want to study, write, do crafts, watch anime, or play games. All things I can stand doing.

So, I learned some new things about a friend that I didn't know. I thought that she merely tolerated me for the sake of her sister and Amanda. Apparently she likes Amanda and me, yes even me, much more than that. This girl is a wall. I read people pretty well but she is mostly a blank to me. Of course she's scared of confrontation and sucks at communication as well, so that doesn't help either of us out. Anyway, she's the maid of honor in a mutual friend's wedding and she needs some help, so I am going to see if I can't help her out. 

I ran out of two colors of yarn I was using for my parents afghan and neither of the places I usually get yarn have those colors in stock. Also, time was limited and I was panicking, so I finished it off, packed a couple of extra goodies into their box, and mailed that off today. 

And speaking of mailing things. Remember that trouble I had with my postal carrier earlier this month where she was basically too lazy to walk my packages down the steps to my door and tried to claim that she didn't know if I lived here despite her delivering my mail here for the last 3 years? Well, it seems another person in the post office has that issue today, this I overheard while boxing up my parent's Christmas present. I was thinking how much it sucked and half a dozen other random thoughts while looking around the counter to see if there was any tape. Found some tape just sitting out near by and used it without a second thought. Well, Amanda and I got up to the counter, talked to the post office employee while she rang up our boxes, and then she asks us about the tape, which we both used. I told her that I did use the tape, that it was lying out on the counter. To which her reply in lecture/chew us out form was that any tape we use from them we have to pay for, she didn't know why someone would do that, and that she wouldn't charge us for it this time. Um... okay, thanks, I think. She was just so rude about it, kind of degrading actually, that we kind of wanted to tell her that next time we'd go to Fed Ex. They tape our boxes for free, are nicer, and closer to where we live. But we didn't. We just paid and left. 

Other than getting really freaked out at the grocery store today because of so many shopper, most of which were cranky (I swear it was like four different people were following me), I got a new wallet today. It is simple, black but it is as big as I need it to be and has a spot for everything I need, plus a zipper part for my change. I also locked the keys in the car. We parked in front of Game Stop to finish our lunch and since Amanda's Dad left the keys in the ignition and ran the battery down, the car no longer dings and it doesn't keep the car unlocked if the keys are still in the ignition, which they were. I got out and locked my door and then realized exactly what I had done. Thankfully, we weren't too far from home. Unfortunately, we had to go into Game Stop to ask to use their phone because I left mine in the car. Amanda's Dad came with the other set of keys shortly after and we were able to go about our day, which for me was full of tears over stupid shit because of this and that and the end of the term and my period. 

Aside from that, we had a fantastic Yule and I will probably post all my Yule Swag later. For now, I am going to relax and take a nice hot shower.  

Cleaning, homework woes, shocking and sad news, Rocket Raccoon!

With some of the money my Grandparents sent me for Christmas, I bought Guardians of the Galaxy on Bluray. Now without ever seeing this movie before or reading any comics, I knew I was going to like Rocket Raccoon. It's a talking, gun toting, space raccoon, what's not to like?! After seeing the movie, I. LOVE. HIM! I pretty much want to hug him! Of course, I adore Groot! He's wonderful! But Rocket it my favorite. 

After taking my statistics test and getting a not so stellar score, I decided to call it a day on homework last night. I did check to see if I could do the next math assignment so at least that could get done on time. I can. But I learned something interesting. Apparently I am not the only person struggling with probability. It seems most of my class is and because of that our instructor has granted everyone another chance to retake the test to improve our scores and an extension. She also posted a power point that reviews the test. Personally, I think that's great! So, after I make a beef and veggie stew for dinner, I will go take care of that and then move on to this week's assignment. But somewhere either today or tomorrow, I have got to get my Context of Writing Paper started, edited, and finished. It's due this Sunday. 

Last night the under wire to one of my good bra's broke. I am really not happy about that. I've had this bra for two years now and loved it!

On to this morning. I got up later than I wanted to but I got dressed, ate, and had a cup of coffee. I'd decided last night instead of starting with homework first and then spending all day on it as I have pretty much the last several weeks, I would clean a little. So, I started with the part of the bathroom that I can clean, which is the mirror, vanity/sink, top half and inside of the toilet, and the outside of the shower doors. I also reorganized the little metal shelf we keep necessities wash cloths, and some books on. I have to do a lot of this sitting down, which doesn't really make it easier but it does help my back. When that was finished, I picked up the bedroom and while still in my desk chair, I tried vacuuming. I'm not supposed to sweep or vacuum with the way my back is. Of course, as usual, I woke up in pain, but I'm not sure I will be doing this all that often because I am hurting more than I was earlier. It was worth a shot. I  also reorganized my desk. 

Also this morning, I'd gotten a call from my cousin Shi-Chan only I was asleep so I had to call her back. Well along with the normal shitty crap she's dealing with in her life, she learned last week that one of our friends is in the hospital with a terminal illness. This friend of ours lives several states away so she can't make it out to see them and neither can I. Technically I'm not supposed to know yet because they don't want a lot of people to know. This person is trying to keep their troubles away from other people, which I understand so I'm not saying anything along the usual channels. Its awful! Really truly awful. I feel bad for them but also for Shi-Chan because she is closer to this friend of ours than I am and she just lost one of her Uncles and two years ago she lost her Dad. 

Just sad, stressful things happening all around. But hey, there's always Rocket Raccoon, the kitties, and the nap I am very tempted to take.