As promised- new doctor and birthday weekend.

Nene Thomas art statue

I'll begin with the new doctor. For one, he's from England and really nice. Two, he doesn't want me to cast any spells on him to make him lose his accent because that's all he has going for him, he says, and he really doesn't want a Texas accent. This was because I was wearing my Slytherin cardigan to my first visit with him. Three, he doesn't want it to get out that he's a bit of a nerd because he has a reputation to keep. We get along pretty well and so far, he's actually listening to me and working to help me get to where I want to be. 

The very first thing he wanted to do was run all of my labs, including allergies. Everything looks good except triglycerides (a sort of easy fix although my Dad says he and my Grandma both deal with that and like them, my cholesterol is low). I am very allergic to a native grass around here, go figure. I love nature but nature doesn't love me. More tree and weed types showed up on the test as being "insignificant" but honestly if they are showing up they must have some element that irritates me. My peanut allergy showed up the same and he said I could try a little, see how I do and then maybe try a little more. Well. I tried peanut butter cup hoping I would be fine because I love peanut butter. I even turned on a movie so I wouldn't be paying attention, but I still got crazy itchy and worse, I had a horrible time sleeping that night. 

There were some things I already knew I was allergic to on the test as well, but a couple of new things showed up, of course as supposedly being insignificant but just how much or how little are they if they are showing up? How bad would they be if I were eating a lot of boxed and packaged processed foods instead of making a lot of stuff myself? A friend suggested I request going to an allergist for the scratch test and I am wondering if that really isn't a bad idea. 

Also, my doctor is taking me off a medication for the fibro because it makes people gain weight. My depression medication is one that is also prescribed for fibro and it apparently doesn't have the weight gain side effect, so he wants to up my milligrams on that. Then he's prescribed a weight loss drug that is supposed to boost what happens when you exercise but only for three months. Trouble is my insurance doesn't cover it and it is expensive even with the store discount. So, I've got to figure out what to do in that regard. Amanda is also thinking about getting us a planet fitness membership because they have massage chairs and hydrotherapy beds and she's hoping those will help me.

On to the birthday weekend. 

It was nice and quiet for the most part. Amanda and I were going to have a writing day but she decided that we were getting Starbucks, some food, and then we went to Wonders of the World and their bead shop. We bought some gemstones: rose quartz, pyrite, and a rainbow fluorite egg. I picked up two small packages of some incense I wanted to try by Nippon Kodo. And Amanda got me the statue pictured above. It was half off and beautiful and she kind of got to the counter when I wasn't looking. I didn't know about it until the sales clerk asked me which wings I liked better because they had another in the back that had a little more color to them.  

After talking to my Mom for a little bit in the parking lot we went to dinner. While on our way to the restaurant we noticed a lot of police cars zooming in the same direction. Sure enough, the very restaurant we were going to was cordoned off by the police and a SWAT time was there. Since there is a bar attached to the place, I didn't think too much of it and we didn't want to be looky loos and honestly, it's jst best to get the hell out of the way, so we went to another restaurant.  As it turned out there was a man in the parking lot with a machete basically trying to get the cops to shoot him. But they talked him "down" enough to get him to drop the weapon and they arrested him and I suppose got him some help.

On my actual birthday we had dinner a quiet dinner at home with Amanda's parents and cake. 

I've been very spoiled this year. Of my presents, the house got a new kitchen stove, I got a few more pieces to a collection of dishes I am collecting, I got a beautiful letter done in calligraphy, fox and raccoon plushies, an electric blanket the cats confiscated, new silverware, soot sprite cake pops made by a friend, a pretty little metal plaque, tons of wonderful birthday wishes, a book, and some stationary.

In the more present news, I am just about better. I still have a tiny cough and occasionally have to blow my nose, but feel much better. I'm cold today, but not as cold. Amanda decided to try going to work today, but since I was still half asleep when she left, I wasn't able to really see her. 

Its a lot worse than it looks, 2 months away, where the fuck is the glue?!

There are things I haven't talked about, things that are very serious, things that I've been too afraid to mention to anyone except Amanda. The reasons are that I already vent a lot of my frustrations here and while I have repeatedly stated that this is primarily what this blog is for, I hold back good deal. My perception is that anyone who stumbles across this already thinks I am a wimpy whiny bitch with slight rage issues that can't hack it. Well, maybe, but I think a good deal of it has to deal with some heavy blows that cut a little deeper, or knocked me down a little harder than I was expecting. 

Things are really bad and they have been for a long time, under the surface, and I've hidden as best as I could but ts finally too much again and I'm really cracking. My wedding is 2 months away and I should be excited but most of the time when I think about it, I just cry. My parents reluctance has hurt me really bad. Even after I talked to my Mom and asked point blank if they wanted to come and she said they really truly do, I still feel the hesitancy. I know they feel bad because I bought their tickets, because I am going to have to take care of them while they are here, and so, but isn't that what family is supposed to do? I don't care, I just want want to see them and share this moment with them. I just want to have time to share with them where I live. 

The second part is that I am scared that I am not going to fit into my wedding dress. After the hysterectomy my body changed and my flabby fat stomach shifted downward a little. My core muscles were cut into and were weak.  It's awful. I sometimes get painful rashes between my stomach fat and my thighs. I still have pain in the incision area and it till aches when I go to the bathroom sometimes. My back hurts more. I can't get comfortable standing, sitting, and especially not laying down. Sometimes the dull incessant aches of things drive me crazy and I can't stand it. I've told Amanda a couple of times that if I gain any more weight, I'm just going kill myself because nothing is working and I can't do anything without being in such pain I want to tear my skin off. Sometimes I hit myself because I am so furious with my body. I just want it to give me a little so I can make it better. 

I recently had blood work done and I got my results. My TSH levels were high and I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up. Apparently it has to do with your thyroid and my levels have all the characteristics or symptoms of Hypothyroidism. To double check the information I was reading, I asked a friend who has thyroid problems. They said, yes, my levels were high and welcome to the "hypo club".  But because I always want to discuss things with my doctor, I decided to see what she said. Only I didn't get to talk to my doctor, her nurse called to give me the results. My anemia is better, but they want send me back to OBGYN to see if my fatigue is hormone related. Why can't she do the tests for that herself? Secondly they want me to watch my sugar intake because my blood sugar was 113 fasting- which is within the normal range and the first blood plannel she did on me a couple of months ago said my A1C was perfect. She said nothing about my thyroid so I asked. the nurse said it wasn't a concern and left it at that. How is it not a concern when on the result it is red marked and there is even a little low-norm-high bar and I'm marked in the high section and according to all the sources Amanda found on the internet, I'm way above where I should be. 

This is so frustrating. It feels like my doctor doesn't want to deal with. That because I am fat, I just need to move. Well, yeah, but if there is something wrong that is keeping me this way, I can move all I want, push myself to keep going, fight through the pain, and it won't do me a damn bit of good. It hasn't so far. The worst part is that I get so overwhelmed and have been told over and over again that if I just lose weight, I won't have issues anymore, that I almost can't bring anything up. Except that if I lose the weight, I will still have a herniated disk and fibromyalgia. Those things affect one of my skinny friends too and she's often been just as miserable with pain and shit as I am. Amanda has decided that I am no longer allowed to go to the doctor without her or her mother to advocate for me because I can't seem to do so for myself. As much as that is a relief, it scares me. My doctor will want to up my depression meds or switch them and if we do that, I'm going to gain more weight. it happens every time. 

When I write this stuff out, it seems to stupid and the rational part of my brain says, it's going to be okay, one step at time, don't give up, you can do this. But none of this stops for me. I can distract myself. I can focus or try to focus  on other things but something will hurt, or I will move wrong, or a random thought will pop into my head, or I will be trying to set up a wedding party planning meeting, or even trying to clean my house, and I just- the depression monster slips in like a sly bitch and whispers a little something and I just can't. Its driving me crazy. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I look at the mess my house has become and instantly feel guilt for not feeling up to cleaning it, because that means I'm not contributing. I feel even worse when I have thoughts like "I actually need help with this, I'm overwhelmed". The last time I vacuumed, which I have been told not to do on account of my back, I over did it and hurt myself. It makes me so angry. I like cleaning my house and I can't do it on my own anymore and I'm fucking 33 years old. I've lost so much control and independence that I'm desperately clinging to any that I have left. I keep telling myself it could be worse, but that's hardly an uplifting thought. 

I'm right back to the point where I have panic attacks so bad, Amanda want to take me to the hospital.  I'm right back to having thoughts that I am a burden, a parasite, and I'm so tired to fighting to try to stay more positive and make myself get out of bed and do something productive, even something that makes me happy, that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake back up. I have these awful random thoughts of cutting my fat off with scissors to get the weight off just so I can get some relief. It is really and truly bad and I'm scared. I think the only reasons I haven't ended it, is because I don't want my parents to outlive anther kid, or to leave Amanda alone, or my cats, and I don't want to make my friends sad. 

I am trying. I'm using coping techniques that I got from my therapist. I am doing some things that I enjoy to help inspire my creativity, that make me happy or excited, and I am taking time for myself and saying to some things. I even cancelled a meeting with my wedding party because the house isn't clean (it needs picked up, dusted, swept an vacuumed), I knew Amanda and I were both too tired and or sore to get it done in time. I also didn't think I could handle several people at once an certainly did not want to have a cry in front of them.         

Therapist, doctor, and The Goblin

Just to see if it worked, I added the Dramafever channel on my Roku and then perused the selection. When I stumbled on Goblin the lonely and Great God, I thought it looked really cute and decided it would be the show I tested to see if I could watch. Yep, I can watch stuff from Dramafever for free but it has a lot of repetitive and obnoxious commercials. The show is really cute by the way and if you like Korean Dramas or want to try one out, I think this one is going to be a good choice. 

Moving on. I went to my doctor's appointment this week. The verdict is that we are going to try me on another antidepressant medication and if I do well with it, she is going to put me on a weight loss medication in a month to get the ball rolling. I am able to begin exorcising but it has to be low impact and nothing that's going to work my core too much, but only for a little while longer. My doctor just wants to make sure everything is nice and healed up and that I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back. When we were talking about my depression she mentioned that she thinks I have some PTSD from the whole mess with my cancer scare and the crap I went through with the gyno and getting the surgery. I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around all of that and now I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the notion of my having PTSD. 

So I talked to my therapist yesterday about it. She also thinks I have PTSD and not just from that but from a few other things. But I didn't that was possible. PTSD is for people who have been attacked or abused and most certainly for combat veterans. My therapist said yes to all of that but it's like there are certain type or varying degrees of PTSD. I talked to my Dad about it and he is of the impression that to say I have PTSD cheapens what happens to people like combat verterans- which was kind of how I felt in a way. He said that yes, I had had some trauma but it wasn't anything like what veterans have experienced. But on the other hand I am struggling what that too. It;s hard to explain. I'm not playing a victim card because I don't do that, I think I am too self depreciating to have that sort of thinking. However, in a lot of ways, I feel as if what I experienced and dealt with was just dismissed as nothing. And THAT is something that I am really having a problem with. That is something that I can't just keep sucking it up and getting on with my life about. I've been doing that for too long and its not okay. 

One of the assignments I had this week from my therapist was to write down what my depression monster says. So I did and these are the things I think whether I want to or not and more than that, these are things that get reinforced a good deal of the time, sometimes every day. 

You are worthless- the proof is in everything.

You have no right to complain and even if you did, no one really cares.

People like Amanda more than you, you know it in how they look at you and react.

People have already written you off.

You have no value. (this is even more so since you had to get a hysterectomy)

You will never be anything.   

You can work as hard as you want to lose weight, health mentally and emotionally, and even physically but it's not going to matter. 

You will never have control of anything in your life every again.

You are alone because no one will ever choose you and it doesn't matter how willing you are to jump up and help someone else. 

Why try to come out of your shell, no one will like the real you anyway. 

The most frustrating thing is that I know at least some of this isn't true but these thoughts run through my head all the time. I can't stop them and no matter how much I try to reason with myself that its just the depression, its really hard to shake this shit. 

Anyway, yeah, I'm having trouble a lot of this stuff but I am hoping the change in meds will help take the edge off so I can start getting back on my feet a little. 

Other than that, I have been down the last two days with a migraine. I ended up taking some meds and sleeping a little yesterday but then Amanda and I stayed up all night watching a scary movie. It was actually a little freaky so we had to watch something light so we could go to bed but ended up watching several episodes of something and then I had to take her to work. Oops!

Wal-Mart Creeper, it's deliciously cold, the ick has arrived, and my therapist is amazeballs!

Art by Nene Thomas

Because of my therapist advocating for me by leaving a rather terse and testy message for my soon to be ex-doctor, I finally have my depression medication again. My doctor left a lame excuse on my voice mail saying that the pharmacy had sent her a message stating that I wasn't taking my meds properly-which is utter bullshit- and that's what some of the "mixup" was. 

We had our first snow here this morning. I missed it because it was at 6 am and I was still sleeping. It also melted away before I got up. Still, it was nice and cold today and its wonderfully cold right now. We have a log burning in the fireplace, and the space heater running. Amanda is making me a cup of Gypsy Cold Care tea because I'm coming down with something and haven't been feeling very well the last day or so. 

We went to the store tonight to buy some wood for the fire place and to grab something for dinner because I didn't feel up to cooking. We ended up with more than we went for but at the same time, we were just having fun perusing the store, and we found a few treats. However, while we were taking our time and enjoying ourselves, there was an older man following us. He started in the grocery section and we kept running into him all along the way. We were both polite and didn't really mind talking to him, but there was something about him that kind of set off warning bells in my head. I still remained polite because I also got the sense that most people don't pay this guy any attention least of all women, and that he might be awkward and lonely. 

Amanda and I kind of tried to shake him by going into the women's clothing section, which didn't work because he just walked back and forth in front of the check out looking at stuff. So we said screw it and headed for check out where he, of course, followed us. Well, I had an issue with a card and had to deal with that, so we cancelled our order, moved out of the way, while I dealt with my card. He checked out and while I was on the phone, he asked Amanda if she was single. She said no, that she was taken and when he asked about me, she said the same. Being that we aren't that far from Idaho, she didn't tell him that we are together- to which I told her later, when she was filling me in on this, that was probably for the best so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt thinking it was just some lame excuse. He apparently told her that he wasn't trying to be weird, he just has a thing for big beautiful women, which is really sweet. However, he stopped at McDonald's (yes, our Wal-mart has a McDonald's in it) and while we were getting our groceries out of our cart, he gobbled down his hamburger and began to follow us out. A bit weirded out we too hurried to get to our car, put our groceries in, and then we sat in the car with it on so it just looked like we were defogging the windows enough to drive. He got to his truck and was there a for a few minutes and finally left. But, because Amanda and I were a little unsettled, I went the opposite way and took a longer route to get home, just to be safe. 

I realized today that when ever I begin to feel sick, I want soup- usually vegetable beef with barely- and potato salad. If I didn't have butternut squash to use up within the next day or so, I would make homemade chicken noodle soup in the crock pot.

Lastly, in the spirit of colder temperatures, it is finally time to sit my butt down and make some quilts. Amanda and I are going to take some time and pick out which fabrics from what I have, and which pattern we want to use. She's going to put to work in helping me cut out the block or pieces, and we will go from there. This first one will be a nice spooky one. I also want to get as thick and squishy of batting as I can afford so it is nice and warm. 

Things learned and things I had forgotten about this election, my clarifying doctor visit, and cute things

Lisa Toms' work, she can be found on etsy and deviant art.
I found a cute thing! 

When I was in 8th grade, I had a civics class. When I was a Senior in high school, I had a government class. You know what I mostly remembered from my senior government class? That I tested as a 'liberal republican' and my teacher didn't understand how that could be. Granted this was middle of the bible belt- Kansas, which is a largely red or republican state. Politics weren't a big deal to me then and didn't become so until  got older. However, I did learn things, things I thought I had forgotten but when thinking about the inner workings of the government and last night's dismal election, I remembered. It is my opinion that neither Hillary nor Trump were good candidates or really fit for the position. Both are criminals in my personal opinion but I had less to be afraid of with Hillary than I do with Trump. 

Were there other candidates that weren't republican or democrat? Yeah, Jill Stein was from the Green Party and there was a guy from the Libertarians, and there were a few others from other parties, but with the way things are, they don't really stand a chance do they? They are never really heard or the way things have been, the way things will continue to be unless people act, they never will be and we will be stuck in this bipartisan system. 

Which brings me to the next thing, this business of moving to Canada. Stop, just stop and think. If you hightail it to Canada, you will be doing the exact same things people complain about immigrants in or country are doing, legal or not. (My personal stance on immigration is that I don't mind it as long as people do it legally- no I am not heartless, I understand extenuating circumstances, and I hope for the best, but you have to respect the law of the place you're seeking help and refuge in.) So, instead of running away, why not stay where you are, stop complaining, and actually do something about it. Fight back and keep fighting, actually stand up for what you believe in. Stop complaining and start trying to help fix the problem. Besides, you don't have the right to complain about something unless you've tried to help fix or find a solution or in this case that and got your ass out to vote. By the way the electoral college is stupid and needs to go! It doesn't take into consideration the actual popular vote.

Okay, that's all I am going to say about politics. Moving on to my clarifying doctor's appointment yesterday. After I had processed all that was said and took place yesterday, I've come to the conclusion that I need to find another doctor. Do not mistake or misunderstand that I know I am really fucking fat. I look in the mirror every day, I put clothing on every day. I am hyper aware of my body every day. I do not need to be reminded or even subtly shamed about about my weight not once or even several times within an hour long appointment. 

First my doctor didn't want to weigh me on the regular scale because she didn't think it could handle it. When she took my blood pressure, or lamely tried, the wrist cuff, which felt fine didn't want to work or so he claimed. So she switched to the arm cuff, which plenty of arm cuffs have worked on me in the past and recently. She said it wasn't going to work. So I have to go to a pharmacy and sit at one of those blood pressure machines and then text her my results. Furthermore, while I was glad that she believed me about my period problems, and was sympathetic to the fibromyalgia problems I have been having, she expressed that my depression problems would clear up when I lose weight and eat right "unless there is a chemical imbalance I don't know about" and so will a lot of my "other problems" like not being able to sleep very well if at all the last couple of weeks. A-are you shitting me? I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety when I was in high school. It's in my fucking medical records- which she has at her disposal! 

Okay, I do not deny that losing weight and eating a bit better will do me some good, but it is not the cure all for my depression. Nor is it a cure all for me being able to sleep or a pain stopper. I mean this woman actually sat there and told me that the reason I can't sleep is because I eat carbs. She is trying to push me into eating a no carb diet, to doing the human growth hormone starvation diet which comes with a large book sized packet of information, and oh yeah, she wants me to buy supplements from her because they are non-gmo and organic- as if I can afford that. She also told me that she in 100% certain that I am diabetic just by looking at me and is sure my labs with confirm that. Then she told me that I am dying. I have no idea if she called in my depression medication prescription, she wouldn't write me a prescription for my heartburn/ GERD problem because it is best if I get off that medication before it is too late (news flash, water gives me heartburn), and she wouldn't even recommend melatonin- a Gods Damn Supplement to try to help me sleep at night. I need a new doctor. I am going to try to get into Amanda's doctor, she's holistic and at least seems to have her shit together better. 

On a much happier note...

I am almost finished with this book. There were a couple of stories that I skipped because I just couldn't get into them. However, there are several really good ones. I really enjoyed Yasmin Galenorn's for instance. I will probably finish it up today. 

Every time we've gone to the bookstore, I've never really had enough to buy this book and it was never in the section where there were deals running. But yesterday, I found it for digital borrow from my library. I almost can't wait to read it. Richelle Mead write the Vampire Academy series and I really loved it. Of course, I still have to read the Bloodlines spin off series and her Glittering Court series, but I am working on it. the last bit of college burned me out a little on reading and I am just now getting back to it. 

One last cute thing...

Don't know who did the art for this one, found this on pinterest, anyway, baby Legolas with kittens perhaps singing for his Dad!