Needy Assholes, weekend of fuck it, and think I'm going to need a special ruler.

After the emotional word vomit of my last post I decided to have a weekend to try and get some shit together, as in to clean the house and then relax. It was Amanda's weekend to work so that makes it a little more difficult, in that she's more worn out. It did not help that the Editorial staff of the paper made a choice that had people calling up to cancel their subscriptions. They put an anti-transgender article written by some religious figure in a column section instead of in the opinion section. And they probably could have avoided the uproar had they prefaced it with something like, "we as a paper believe in free speech and want to let all opinions be heard equally, however this opinion does not reflect the opinions of this paper and its staff".  So, yeah, she got to deal with that shit and since I wasn't feeling good, we kind of said fuck it this weekend. 

We did get the clean clothes hung up and some laundry done. We did tidy up the bedroom. Amanda did the dishes for me while I organized the pantry and she even cooked. All that is left is to clean up the weekend mess in the kitchen, pick up and vacuum the living room, and clean the bathroom. But we can take that slow today. 

We have also been working on a story together and that's been fun and helpful,

Another helpful thing we did to relax, was to finally use the theater gift card a friend gave us for Yule to have a date day. We saw Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, a movie based off a graphic novel series. It had a simple plot, but it was fun. The visuals were really nice, the pacing was smooth, and the characters likeable. My favorite character was Bubble and my next favorite was the converter because it was freaking adorable. 

After the movie we went to a grocery store and decided to have a junk food night. We bought icing for the cakes we have in the pantry- they've been in there forever! We also bought Earth Balance Popcorn (we don't have a microwave and don't want one so when we want popcorn, we have to get it from Rachel or buy it already popped- helps cut down on how much of it we eat). Lastly, we  bought chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I'm not sure how I feel about the ice cream. I don't really eat a lot of sweet stuff and the ice cream seems richer and almost too sweet. It could be the brand. I wouldn't know, I don't get it often enough and when I do, it's typically in blizzard from Dairy Queen, which is almost never. Anway, we took it all home and were going to watch a scary movie to continue day day, but Amanda fell asleep. It was fine.

Our cats were pretty excited that, aside from Amanda going to work and us leaving for the movie, we were home all weekend. Both of them were all over us, Naricsa with her desperate need to lick us, and Thorin's need t curl up under the blankets with us. I generally keep the air conditioner set at 65-70 and since it blows at the sofa, we like to curl up in blankets when we get chilled. Thorin still hasn't managed to figure out that to cover his pee and poo, he simply needs to use the litter. Instead he likes to drag any dirty clothing over and into the litter box or and my personal favorite, he pulls towels down and does the same. He also still hasn't figured out that racing between our feet or cutting us off suddenly while we are walking, is hazardous to his health. He does that weaving between our legs thing too.  One I'm already unsteady with the random moments of vertigo from my meds. Two, if we fall we will get hurt, or squish him. And Three, if he makes me fall, I'm giving him a bath. They were also both into stuff this weekend and I awoke to find the dish we'd put their treat (wet food) in broken on the floor.  It;s a good thing we love them.

Last night I had another wedding nightmare. This time it was realizing that we were only a week away and we didn't have things finished. So, this morning, I decided that I was going to stop waiting on Rachel to let me know when she is ready to show me how to expand a pattern. I can read about it, but I need to see it being done. It finally dawned on me that I could see if there were tutorials on youtube. There are, I'm just not entirely certain it's going to work. The pattern I am using only goes up to size 10-12 (I believe) and I need it to fit size 30-32 (they didn't have it larger, I scoured the pattern drawer it was in). But I have an idea of how I'm going to check to make sure its going to fit.   I am making a bolero for myself and when it is finished, I am making a cloak for Amanda, using a different patter but it needs to be expanded too. But, I think I am going to have to get a style designer ruler because it has the curve edge. Not a problem, Walmart and Joanns both carry them. Oh and I also need to pick up a some sheer, red fabric to add to my dress. I'm doing a simple, temporary overlay that can be easily removed without hurting the dress itself. Basically I'm dressing up the dress for the wedding and dressing it down for more everyday use.    

Bad moments in quiet days with some happier stuff.

The last several days despite being relatively quiet and low key, have not been easy. 

Thursday I attempted to clean my house. I have been doing a little better and gotten a little strength back so I mistakenly thought I could spend all day scrubbing my kitchen and sweeping. I mistakenly thought I could pick up the living room and vacuum too and then go make dinner on top of it. 

I fucked up.

Thursday night we had some friends over for dinner. I spent the entire time in pain, wanting to cry more out of frustration than because of how much I was hurting. Anyway, one friend stayed over and while we had to go to bed sooner than we would have liked, it was still a lot of fun having her for a visit. I took her home after I picked Amanda up from work on Friday, after which, Amanda and I went to a vegan restaurant on the South Hill. Cashew cheese is interesting and too bad. I don't know how I feel about vegan bacon though. 

Saturday was hard. We went to our meeting with the apartment managers. Because of their new tax credit deal with the state or government or whatever, not only do they want to verify what's in our bank accounts for the last 6 months, but they want to know if we have any stocks, bonds, savings accounts, other assets, and all about Amanda's 401k and so on. Also they want to know exactly how far in the disability application process I am in because if I get it, we will 'make' too much money to live here. As it stands with everything they want, it feels very much like a vast invasion of privacy and that we will be told to move out anyway. Or, if we do get to stay, then we will be forced to sign a year long lease, which complicates things because we are looking to get a house. They also said it would take them a month to determine whether or not we will be able to stay. I am beyond frustrated and don't really know what to do at this point. I walked away with a developing migraine. 

Amanda and I went to brunch at Denny's after that and that was shit. Since my headache was worse, we just went home and went to bed. Then we got up for a bit and got ready to go for a potluck get-to-know-you kind of dinner with our friend Chris. Except I only made it as far as Yokes before I had to turn around and come home. I got sick and I had a horrible panic attack. It was a bad one. Amanda grabbed us some food and we curled up for the night. 

Sunday we ventured out to the grocery store and to look at a couple of thrift stores, but I'd hurt my back cleaning on Thursday it was hard to walk around a lot I actually had to ask the walmart greeter if there was a scooty cart down at the other entrance of the store. She had to radio down for one. On the plus side, Amanda found me a pair of shoes that have decent arch support.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day and the same can be said for today.  I've been very tired. My back and I are fighting and I can't lift my right leg up without wanting to punch something and cry. Both knees have been giving me grief lately and my Achilles tendons have been as well. I also hurt my wrist pushing myself up in bed several nights ago. Thankfully that is better today. 

But, the bodily pain, as frustrating as all is, isn't what's tearing me apart right night. It isn't what made me look at Amanda and tell her "you're not here all the time to watch me" during one of my really horrible panic attacks followed by an exhausting hopeless crying episode. Physical pain isn't completely what made me tell her that I also asked her to take me to the hospital this weekend because I was so upset and depressed that I didn't trust myself with, well, myself. That scares me, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. I had a new antidepressant that was working great. I changed my diet. I'd tried yoga, liked it, and we are going to sign up for more classes plus I've been helping our friend Rachel with her kettle corn. I did really well with my first couple of freelance transcription jobs with Rev. I only made 3 dollars, but it was 3 I didn't have before.  I have severe depression and anxiety, I know this, I expected some pills and changes in lifestyle aren't cure alls, but I wasn't expecting such a horrible smack in the face and worse, I don't know particular issue(s) are the cause.  That only makes all of it that much more frustrating. I thought I was passed all of darker than black shit. Looks like my depression monster doesn't want to give me up so easily. The fucker.

The good news is, I've made our handfasting cord, we've ordered our cake topper, shoes, some jewelry, and something to make our wedding favors. We are still working on the invitations but they are almost half finished.