Update and A Small Gothic Fashion Frustration.

Things are still rather nuts. The imperative sense of scrambling seems less intense. I still do not know if my Dad is going to make it to the wedding. He is still waiting for news on his end, but with every day that drags on, the less time I have to call the airline and make changes to the tickets. 

We still have not signed a lease with our apartment complex. We went in this last weekend to do so and give them Amanda's 401k information -which they can't use against us anyway because she hasn't been contributing to it- and the lady in the office said she didn't know why they had us down to sign a lease when they have some sort of paperwork done yet. Wow, really?! So we made yet another appointment for this coming weekend to sign the lease then. 

Amanda's Mom came last weekend as well. We got our car from the mechanic and it runs nicely. As soon as she gets paid, we'll take it back to emissions testing and get it tagged so its legal to drive again.

Also last weekend we did some wrap up wedding shopping. That was a bit overwhelming and exhausting, but it is done. All that is left are a few things from Amazon and Amanda and I need to finish making the decorations. Well, and writing our vows. Amanda's freaking out a little. I'm... not? Perhaps that's because I've spent the last several months in a state of high stress and fear and this crap with my parents and the apartment has been enough to make the actual wedding stress look like a vacation. I mean I've cried over the possibility that my Dad might not be at my wedding and thus all the wedding pictures are going to be permanent evidence and a reminder forever of that- which conflicts with all the happy-fuzzy feelings I should be completely swept up in for that day- which only pisses me off and makes me want to cry all over again because its not fair to Amanda that I'm so fucking depressed over it. I've tried to say fuck it, whatever, but I can't help the way I feel without stuffing everything down so far that I go numb again. *sigh* I really need to get the fuck over this. 

Because I am pear shaped and fat, finding a wedding dress that I liked and would fit me was never going to happen.  I would have had to make it or find someone to make one for me both of which was going to be more expensive than we could afford. If one were to go by semi-standard US sizing, my hips need a 5x but my shoulders need a 2/3x. Trust me, it sucks. I like Victorian and military goth styles A LOT and my shape doesn't always accommodate that, unless tailored right.

So, Amanda and I hit Torrid to find something. She found a pretty red and black Snow White dress and I found a formal-ish, plain black dress. Because its fall and we're having an evening wedding, there is a good chance it will be chilly, so I was going to need something for my shoulders. Well, no one really makes patterns in my size for what I was looking for. So, I did the next best thing and bought a costume pattern in the biggest size I could find and got on the internet to see how to upsize it. The bolero circled in yellow in the picture above, is the pattern I used. I nixed the collar and took the points off the red part of the sleeves. I also did away with sleeve gathers and still had to tailor the damned thing to fit my shoulders because they are small. I found a velvety burnout damask fabric in black so, its black, not blue and red like the picture. I also bought a broach/necklace to finish it off. You will have to wait for the wedding pictures to see it. I haven't even tried it on with the dress yet. 

I want to make another one, a couple actually, just not with the same fabric. The teeth that move fabric along on the my sewing machine didn't like the fabric very well and tried to eat it. That was several small fits of panic. And, now that I know how to upsize a pattern and actually have a handle on sewing sleeves, I would like to venture out into other pieces of clothing. But that will have to wait until after I make Amanda's cloak, until after the wedding, and possibly even until after winter. 

Bad moments in quiet days with some happier stuff.

The last several days despite being relatively quiet and low key, have not been easy. 

Thursday I attempted to clean my house. I have been doing a little better and gotten a little strength back so I mistakenly thought I could spend all day scrubbing my kitchen and sweeping. I mistakenly thought I could pick up the living room and vacuum too and then go make dinner on top of it. 

I fucked up.

Thursday night we had some friends over for dinner. I spent the entire time in pain, wanting to cry more out of frustration than because of how much I was hurting. Anyway, one friend stayed over and while we had to go to bed sooner than we would have liked, it was still a lot of fun having her for a visit. I took her home after I picked Amanda up from work on Friday, after which, Amanda and I went to a vegan restaurant on the South Hill. Cashew cheese is interesting and too bad. I don't know how I feel about vegan bacon though. 

Saturday was hard. We went to our meeting with the apartment managers. Because of their new tax credit deal with the state or government or whatever, not only do they want to verify what's in our bank accounts for the last 6 months, but they want to know if we have any stocks, bonds, savings accounts, other assets, and all about Amanda's 401k and so on. Also they want to know exactly how far in the disability application process I am in because if I get it, we will 'make' too much money to live here. As it stands with everything they want, it feels very much like a vast invasion of privacy and that we will be told to move out anyway. Or, if we do get to stay, then we will be forced to sign a year long lease, which complicates things because we are looking to get a house. They also said it would take them a month to determine whether or not we will be able to stay. I am beyond frustrated and don't really know what to do at this point. I walked away with a developing migraine. 

Amanda and I went to brunch at Denny's after that and that was shit. Since my headache was worse, we just went home and went to bed. Then we got up for a bit and got ready to go for a potluck get-to-know-you kind of dinner with our friend Chris. Except I only made it as far as Yokes before I had to turn around and come home. I got sick and I had a horrible panic attack. It was a bad one. Amanda grabbed us some food and we curled up for the night. 

Sunday we ventured out to the grocery store and to look at a couple of thrift stores, but I'd hurt my back cleaning on Thursday it was hard to walk around a lot I actually had to ask the walmart greeter if there was a scooty cart down at the other entrance of the store. She had to radio down for one. On the plus side, Amanda found me a pair of shoes that have decent arch support.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day and the same can be said for today.  I've been very tired. My back and I are fighting and I can't lift my right leg up without wanting to punch something and cry. Both knees have been giving me grief lately and my Achilles tendons have been as well. I also hurt my wrist pushing myself up in bed several nights ago. Thankfully that is better today. 

But, the bodily pain, as frustrating as all is, isn't what's tearing me apart right night. It isn't what made me look at Amanda and tell her "you're not here all the time to watch me" during one of my really horrible panic attacks followed by an exhausting hopeless crying episode. Physical pain isn't completely what made me tell her that I also asked her to take me to the hospital this weekend because I was so upset and depressed that I didn't trust myself with, well, myself. That scares me, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. I had a new antidepressant that was working great. I changed my diet. I'd tried yoga, liked it, and we are going to sign up for more classes plus I've been helping our friend Rachel with her kettle corn. I did really well with my first couple of freelance transcription jobs with Rev. I only made 3 dollars, but it was 3 I didn't have before.  I have severe depression and anxiety, I know this, I expected some pills and changes in lifestyle aren't cure alls, but I wasn't expecting such a horrible smack in the face and worse, I don't know particular issue(s) are the cause.  That only makes all of it that much more frustrating. I thought I was passed all of darker than black shit. Looks like my depression monster doesn't want to give me up so easily. The fucker.

The good news is, I've made our handfasting cord, we've ordered our cake topper, shoes, some jewelry, and something to make our wedding favors. We are still working on the invitations but they are almost half finished. 

2 hours, tears, frustration

Yesterday was not my favorite day. I was so tried and never really felt like I woke up. Thank's fibro fog, you're just a gem. Anyway, I decided to back away from the computer and scrap doing anything productive, to sit on the sofa and watch something on Netflix. Somewhere along the way I picked up my current embroidery project. soon enough Amanda came home, we ordered pizza, kept watching the show I was watching, and soon enough it was a raining. Then my cousin Shi-Chan, She's the girl on the left in the photo above (which was taken last time I visited my family), called. We haven't talked in a while. Neither of us like being on the phone for too long. We both have anxiety about it, but somehow, we stayed on the phone with each other for 2 hours. OMG I miss her so fucking much. We're 7 months apart in age and are pretty close. I wish she and her boyfriend lived up here. 

After talking to her, I told Amanda I wanted to finish a section of my embroidery project and then I would go to bed. She needed to go sooner and wanted me to go with her. I decided to take it with me. During the usual getting ready for bed routine, I got upset about a lot of things, and ended up crying. Amanda and I were talking about said things and then I got sick. Exhausted, I went with Amanda to bed. Of course, I couldn't get comfortable in bed and couldn't sleep, but I don't really remember going to the sofa and I only vaguely remember Amanda giving me a cup of coffee and saying something about keys and her going to be late to work. 

When I finally did wake up this morning, it was a little after 9 am. I called my Grandma, because I haven't talked with her for a while. It was a good call. She sounds pretty good considering. Since then I've made myself breakfast, cleaned some in the bathroom, and sat down to embroider some more. It's been very calm and quite, relaxing. And then I went to get the mail, stepped wrong somehow, and hurt my knee. I'm so mad! I'm supposed to be walking five minutes a day and I can't even walk two minutes to get the damn mail without hurting myself. I've had it. I'm done. I can't freaking win. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. Yay! 

The good news is that when the neighbor kids came over to start banging on my patio door and screech at the cats, they saw me and backed away. They haven't been back, thankfully. So, I've had the curtains open and have been able to look outside and see the flowers and herbs.     

Good bye Graveyard tan, Butt Burn, Moana, and Apartment Management.

It is official, my Graveyard tan is being destroyed. I've burned, I've broken out in hives, and I've burned again. Today, I am letting myself lament it's passing while I struggle to get the day going. I couldn't sleep last night, at least, not until after 2 am, and this morning, I had the worst time waking up and stay awake. There is still a strong pull for me to go lay down on the sofa with the heating pad and a blanket and do just that. But I have so much to do, that it is just not possible. 

Yesterday's work at the Kettle corn stand was not what I wanted it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I am neither a super human nor can do the things I used to. If I am completely honest, I force myself through the day. Helping Rachel set up takes so much out of me and I can't even do half of what she does. It's not even that hard. Tear down is so much worse because by the time we tear down, I've sat in the heat all day, all ready helped her set up as much as I was able, walked to and from the bathroom, and helped bag some kettle corn. It really is pathetic and so frustrating. By the time I got home last night, I was so tried and in so much pain. To clarify, I am venting about my frustration with my body, not the work, the work is fine. 

Last night Amanda wanted to do something nice for me. She rubbed my feet and my legs with lotion while we were in bed and it felt so freaking good. She also discovered a small blister on my butt. I told her a person moves really fast when they sit down on a molten, sugar coated popcorn kernel. One flew out of Rachel's kettle and into my chair and I happened to sit on it. I laughed at the time. 

Moana was awesome! We recently watched it and Amanda and I loved it. The music is good, the story is wonderful, and I love the character growth. Seriously, go watch it if you haven't. 

So, we are having quite the little problem with our apartment managers right now. They scheduled a meeting to which both Amanda and I had to be present last month, but Amanda couldn't make it because she works a full time job. We were NEVER given a secondary scheduled meeting time and got a notice on our front door stating we missed the 2nd meeting and if we miss the next one, it is ground to terminate our lease and we will have to find somewhere else to live. Oh fuck no! I'm going to be having a little chat with the manager either tomorrow or Friday, because that's bull shit, period.  

  

Stress, depression, and anger sitting in the dark

I found this on my facebook feed. I think I need to print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall. I have been too stressed lately. I have also been depressed- but then again I always am and accept that, but worse, I have been angry.  I get angry that I am angry because the things I am angry about are so pointless or completely helpless- as in it doesn't matter what I do about it, it will end badly so why even try to fix it. Then that supposed to be wonderful phrase of "setting your boundaries" echos in my head and grrrrr, I just don't even want to get into it. Then I get depressed because I am so sad that I allowed myself to get angry or upset in the first place or even that I got stressed out and boy am I stressed out. I know that we humans live with at least a marginal amount of stress, that's life, but I swear if it isn't one thing its another. And it all cycles.

Amanda's driver's side car door is broken again. The tires still need to be replaced. The heat in my jeep is still broken, but hey, we managed to get new windshield wipers! Woo Hoo! 

Both cars have gas and are running, so that is something to celebrate. 

I am frustrated with several of my friends and no, I don't want to talk or even vent about it.

I've decided after years of saying that I was going to do it, that I am going to make a sign to hang outside my front door that pretty much says "don't talk about politics, religion, social issues or trigger warnings in this house unless invited to do so. This is the neutral zone and if you are too delicate or fragile for that, get lost". Or something to that effect. I am tired of it. I am tired of people thinking they need to police other people or that people shouldn't have this or that. This is my house and I refuse to be lectured, told what's right and wrong, or "reeducated" within it. I know it's all passive aggressive, but damn it, I fucking hate confrontation. A sign, you don't need to say a thing. Of course that is part of my problem, I am too polite and too nice to call people out on their bullshit or tell them when they are being offensive. 

The good news is that I have enrolled in health care. I am waiting on my cards to arrive in the mail so I can start looking for doctors and setting up appointments. I'm going to have to find a therapist and break them in. 

I need some time to myself. I do get some but I would like time where I don't have to worry about homework. Speaking of, I'm going to fail formal logic. I haven't failed a class in a long time and I just don't care. I can't find a tutor at the school- at least one isn't listed for that class. I e-mailed my adviser and that's really my last shot. Otherwise, fuck it. It really isn't the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't feel good. 

Another thing that doesn't feel good is the fact that I an feel myself inching closer to a breakdown. I don't want that. 

Back to needing some time to myself. I need a couple of days to just read, meditate, and relax without someone asking me for something or wanting to come over to my house. I was told that there is a lot of good energy in my house and I'd like to keep it that way. So, I may devote this weekend- after I get done with IEPG stuff, to homework, working ahead, to buy myself a couple of days of rest. It's so weird but I feel drained by people who aren't even here.

Oh well. I am going to make a yummy dinner and fresh pot of coffee for Amanda. We are going to a World Religion Celebration or some such with PFLAG tonight. Apparently they asked someone from our IEPG group to speak and since Amanda and I are the resident lesbian couple in the IEPG, that someone thought we should attend and answer any questions. I also need to make myself look presentable. I might feel better with pretty hair and make up.

It was a nice day and then...

Today began early. Fiona came over and we went to Wal-mart, Starbucks, and then to Spokane Valley for an IEPG council meeting and potluck picnic in the park. The meeting went well as did the potluck picnic. Afterward we went to Birdy's parents garage sale (Birdy is a new friend). I found a brass planter I full intend to clean up and make into a cauldron. 

When we came home, I had to update my computer, so I went next door to Felicia's. She told me about the book she'd been reading and we chatted for a few minutes. Of course after that I had to come home and get my homework started for the day. Everything was great until Amanda's parents began to hound her about this or that. Really when they hound her, it just stresses me out that much more and make me want to throw up. I asked Amanda if dinner was finished since she cooked tonight. She said to check it in 30 minutes to which I playfully whined "But I am hungry now". Her dad piped in saying that I should go next door and mooch off the neighbor again because she might have something more to my liking. WHAT THE FUCK?! 

1. I do not mooch off Felicia. She and her family are no better off than we are and I keep trying to offer her stuff from my house when she's trying to figure out what to make for dinner. 

2. I only eat at her house when she shoves a plate of food in my face and invites me.

3. We share snacks on gaming nights. We get some and she gets some. 

4. Her inviting me to dinner is her way of paying me back for the times I babysit her kids for her. Ugh!

Needless to say, I am so upset that I can't focus on homework and am angry enough that I want to actually break something. That's okay, I honestly didn't want to do homework today anyway. 

In other, much happier note, I got my replacement engagement/wedding ring. The previous one's plating came off so fast and it was clear what a cheap P.O.S. it was. Won't be buying anything from that company ever again, that's for sure.  The replacement came from a company I trust, mainly because my mother has purchased several pieces of jewelry and jewelry making supplies from them. Also, my ring was on sale. 

It has the blue diamonds in the middle that I wanted. My mother's replacement wedding ring is blue diamond and I wanted us to match. I know that's silly. this ring also has black diamonds so I still have my black and then there are white ones too. I liked this design because its kind of got a vintage-y look. I love it! 

More goodies that I have recently acquired are a small 10 gram bag of Baltic Amber beads, a small bag of 100 charms, a couple of books, and my text books for the next term. Another purchase was a shirt that actor Nathan Fillion (Firefly, Serenity, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Castle) designed for a charity campaign. I can't wait to get it!

I am hoping with the end of this term nearing, I will be back online and posting more frequently. But for now, I am going to eat dinner and then get on with my Nerdy/geeky self and play D&D tonight. I'll worry about homework tomorrow. 

Cats, Skoora, homework, and its back again, frack!

So much has happened since I last blogged. If it weren't for the fact that I missed the feeling of typing and that I desperately need a break, I wouldn't be blogging now. But I will start from the beginning...

We put Skoora on her plane to Boston last Wednesday, early in the morning. She arrived safely and seemed to be having a pretty good time with her friend, who she is sharing a room with at the residency.  As for myself, I don't think I did much on Wednesday except homework and that took all day. The reading is drier than burnt toast and I find that more often than naught, my mind wanders away from what I am reading. Quite frankly, I had over 80 pages in the text book to read, two articles both well over 10 pages in length, and two websites to look at. I manged to get my discussion board post written and reply to one person before I crashed.

Thursday, I was planning to do some more homework and I did. I didn't get very much accomplished though. I don't think I actually managed to get much of anything done Thursday except go over my final project for the class and look at some sources for my paper.

Friday, oh Friday. I'd planned to really make a dent in final project paper but my new friend Jennifer sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out all day before going to the full moon ritual later that evening. I pretty much told my homework to go to hell, got dress, slapped on some make up- pausing only long enough to talk to my cousin Shi-Chan and my Mom-, then hopped in the car and drove over to Spokane to pick up Jennifer.

It really was a fun day. Jennifer and I had lunch and talked for awhile. I got to know her a little more. We dropped off an application to a place she's applied at. Then we went to a store called Wonders of the World. Wonders of the World is perhaps my new favorite store second only to Hastings and Starbucks.  They sell statuary, crystals, books, cards, jewelry, and are generally more pagan themed without looking like a tie dyed Rastafarian pot head place. It's actually quite classy. I wanted to explore more shops in the building but we didn't really have time, at least we didn't think we would. The Internet system went down in the building and we had to go get cash and come back to purchase what we wanted.

After we finished at Wonders of the World, we went over to Value Village. Now, it's supposed to e a second hand store, but is sure is pricey! Actually, it's pretty much like shopping at Wal-mart for clothes and some things only that the merchandise is used. Not, my favorite place to go, and it was busy and every time I turned around there was someone or a store clerk about to run me over with either themselves or a cart. It was also kind of close quarters too, so too many people, too close was kind of upsetting. Oh did I mention that it was 90+ degrees outside and the store was little better?

When we finished there, we went to Wal-Mart where Jennifer found a fan for her bedroom window and a pair of Capri's for work. After that, we grabbed a drink and headed over to the UU Church to wait until everyone else arrived to let us in for the Ritual that night. We were about  hours early.

The ritual was nice and we made herb sachets afterward. I really wanted to stay longer, to visit with everyone but Jennifer needed to get home. That's the only downside to taking her to Rituals and classes, she never wanted to stay long enough to actually visit with people. I love to talk with these people. I don't feel apprehensive around them. Shit, Scott and Robin already think of Skoora and I as family (and they really want us to go ghost hunting with them).

But I took her to get something to eat, took her home, and them headed home myself. Since I didn't want her paying for my dinner- she'd already bought my lunch- I stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home to get something. I was too exhausted to do too much Friday night, so I watched a movie, took a shower, and went to bed.

Yesterday, oh boy yesterday! My period started again, I've only had a two week break from the last one. I am really not happy about this. So I spent all day yesterday upset over that upset about this stupid paper, and then proceeded to have a small panic attack. I called my Dad after that and talked to him for awhile. After which I found some more sources for the paper, and spent the rest of the day reading yet another drier than burnt toast text. It was awful!

Today, felt like shit when I awoke. My jaw hurt, but that's because I've been clenching my jaw a great deal lately, and I had a migraine. While I was still worrying over my homework, I went to see where Yoda had wondered off to. He was in his spot under the sink so I pulled hi out to cuddle with him. He is so sick. He's been wheezing and sneezing so much. If he doesn't get better I am going to have to take him to the vet, for certain. My poor baby has been having a tough time trying to breathe through all the ick in his nose all day. And he just looks miserable.

I am still reading through sources for my paper. It really is taking far too long to read through this stuff and I am sitting here, muddling through it. I have taken two breaks, one for dinner, and one to talk to Skoora via facebook because her cell reception is crap at the college. I've printed out all the web articles and will be reading and highlighting them tonight. I'll write the damned annotated bibliography and turn it in as well, and start the rough draft of the paper. I really want to get this stupid paper finished before Tuesday because my friend Christine B. is supposed to come for a visit, well, I'm supposed to go get her. But that all depends on whether or not her mother decides whether or not she's going to go visit her friend. Look, I get that the woman wants to go visit her friend, but she and Christine's Dad leave every fucking weekend to go to their boat and leave Christine, alone, with the dogs, unable to leave the house until they get back. Christine can't drive and there aren't any buses in the Sliver Valley. Anyway, I really want Christine to come for a visit to give me a break from the homework, so I can take her to Wonders of the World, and also because there is a class on essential oils on Thursday night.

And my back has decided to start acting up again.

So, yeah, lots of crap and with a little bit of fun. And no I am back to working on this stupid paper. Of by the way, I will be happy if I manage to get a C, ecstatic if I get a B, and if I somehow, by some miracle, get an A, I might just faint. Sorry I am just so entirely frustrated with the entire project that I want to scream.      

Spray paint and flashing lights.

This week hasn't been a good week for me or my  Jeep. I went to visit a friend in the Sliver Valley here in Northern Idaho. She is one of my best friends and I love heading over to visit her. What I don't like is that she and her parents live in a dying valley. By dying I mean that most of the mines are in ruins and unsafe, have shut down due to accidents, and most people have moved away from what was once full of booming mining towns. (Someday, in the fall when it's pretty, I will take pictures.)

What's left are elderly, those that work for the highway, a few miners, and their families. However, the Sliver Valley has also become haven for druggies. There's a lot meth. Also there's not a lot of the kids to do so most of them are out having sex in middle and high school. Oh and did I mention the inbreeding? Oh yes, there is a lot of that going on and I've heard that from people who used to live there and people who used to work there. Did I also mention that there used to be a pretty heavy KKK movement in that valley. There are still some remnants left. I generally try to stay away from most people I run into down there because I typically get a weird vibe off them. They are very tight-nit and you definitely get the feeling that they don't like strangers. Not to mention that the valley itself is far to quite and eerie. There's been a lot of tragedy and death there.

But on to my point and why I am so upset with the people there sans my friend and her parents. Some shit head kid or kids didn't have enough intelligence to find something better to do and decided that spray painting cars and buildings would be fun. Mt friend's parents truck, my jeep, a neighbor's RV, the health building across the street, ad the Stop sign were all hit. Oh and to prove their lack of intelligence, who ever did the tagging, sprayed 'go' on the Stop sign. Wow, really? You couldn't come up with something other than 'go'. Nothing clever?

The Police had already come out and taken pictures before I'd gotten up for the day, not that I hold out much hope since the police aren't very effective down there. My friend's Mom pretty much refused to let me help her take the spray paint off my car. I guess she had something to help remove it. Most of it is gone and you have to get up close to see the tiny hints of it. I need to come up with something to thank her for taking care of it for me.

Now today, on the way to the library, I got pulled over. I was just about to the library on a road I don't often take but I'd gone to get coffee. Of course I'd forgotten that the speed limit changes half way from the coffee shop to the library. I was doing 36 MPH in a 25 MPH zone (I thought it was a 35 MPH zone). So, I got a ticket, or rather I have two options, both of which are expensive. I can either go to the police station and sign up for a driving course that will take 3-4 hours and the traffic violation won't how up on my driving record. Or, I can skip the driving course and just pay the ticket and have it go on my record. Since this is my first ticket (minus a 'fix it' ticket for my tail lights a few years ago), I am very interested in the class. Also the class is 75 bucks vs the 90 for the ticket. Still, I am really upset that I even got a speeding ticket. I am usually much more attentive.    

Damn it!

Today has been a day of lethargy and pain. I didn't want to read, watch TV, or a movie. Cooking and crafts were a flat no. I didn't really want to go anywhere or do anything in particular. Hell, I didn't even want to take a nap. So I decided the best thing to do was to get dressed and get out of the house for a bit and on my way out, I got a shopping list. 

So, I went to Denny's, hoping to sit and read for a little bit in peace. I forgot it was Sunday and a lot of people go out to eat after church. I didn't manage to read very much and since I didn't feel good, I thought if I ate a little something I might feel better so I ordered french toast. It didn't really taste good. It didn't taste bad either, I just wasn't really feeling it. I ate, paid my bill, and went to the store where I got some things for Skoora's Aunt. I also bought some kale, a bag of oranges, and 1 kaiser roll. 

When I got home I retreated into my bedroom to escape noise and well, because I didn't feel like socializing or watching hours of HGTV, even though I would be in the air conditioned part of the apartment.  That's when I knew something was really wrong. It still didn't get me out of my room. 

Dinner came and went and after I was finished eating I had myself a cry for no good reason. Since that just made me even more upset and made the headache worse, I decided that I need to, once again, get out of the house. 

Went to the park nearby and called my parents to chat and then came home. This time I took a shower and thought I was feeling better. I was until I decided to get on facebook and when I'd had enough of that, I logged on to Guild Wars and found no one online there. So here we are again. I'm hot, tired, have a really bad headache, I don't feel like doing anything, my back is killing me, and I don't want to do anything. Fantastic...

Well, I guess I will go drink a cup of coffee and chase it with water and lay down and rest. Maybe I can get some sleep. If not, I foresee myself taking another mid-night drive. 

Fanfiction...

I've been trying to work on my article for the Detangled Writer's site I am a contributor of. I got as far as an outline... O.O Did I say outline? I did and I never do outlines, not really. I mostly have a little notebook with some handwritten notes or put a notes section at the bottom of the page I am working on for the next time I pick up the story so I remember where my thoughts were headed.

(I swear I smell plastic burning but I've checked everything in the house and can't find where it's coming from- it's disturbing)

Anyway, I got as far as the notes a few days ago and was going to actually write the article yesterday. However, I was so listless and tired yesterday that I ended up taking a nap, a shower, and going to the store only. From there I watched a couple of movies and fell asleep on the sofa. I hate days like that, I never seem to get anything done and it's frustrating. You'd think that since I am unable to work or go to school I could at least get a little bit of writing done.

I don't know, maybe I am pushing myself too hard. I really push to keep myself moving, to do little things and clean the house, but I guess every couple of days it catches up with me and I have to have a crash day. It's pathetic. No, stop it, I'm not supposed to have negative or self-defeating thoughts. Bite me! I'm human.

(A random, strange man just came to the door and wanted to sell us a Kirby Vacuum) 

Ugh! Today isn't the best of days but I am going to try and write that article before Kat gets here and clean the house too. Maybe I will work on the girlfriend's birthday present again... since I shattered the last one.