Tree and flower sex, Hushed Whispers, blanket monster, new meds, and laying it on the table.

Hushed Whispers by Katorius on Deviant art.

Last night I began taking new depression medication. I'm not sure how that's going to go, but today I'm feeling pretty good. Well, aside from my OTC allergy medication not quite cutting it. It is that time of year when all the trees and flowers are having sex and spreading their yellow sex dust around. Every time I go to the car I see a thin yellow layer of it on the windshield. Still, I have far less trouble living in the Northwest than I did growing up in Kansas. But the last couple of days I have had watery eyes that somehow still feel like sandpaper every time I blink. On top of that, I suspect an algae bloom or something in the water because my stomach is not happy. The weather has also turned hot and sunny this week, thus I have turned on the air conditioner. 

Thorin loves to sleep with Amanda and I. Often times, he will sleep between us but lately, since it's been hot in our bedroom and we've not used blankets, he's been sleeping near my feet. Well, that's fine, until he attacks your toes and feet for daring to move. When there are no blankets, the blanket monster is on vacation, but try telling him that. So, not only is it hot in the bed, not only is Amanda a veritable furnace when she sleep, not only does she snore and laugh in her sleep, not only does she like to slip her hands under me and try to push me off the bed in her sleep, but Thorin likes to attack me. It is a miracle that I get any sleep.

Hushed Whispers, the art piece above, felt oddly appropriate today. Sometimes it feels like the characters from my stories are the phantom in the picture, whispering to me, trying to pull me in their direction, which is freaking awesome, except several are doing it all at once and I can't seem to decide who to go with. I get a little discombobulated with it all and sometimes even feel a little guilty when I am giving one set of characters attention over the others. To normal people that probably sounds absolutely bonkers, but if you are a writer, that might make sense or at least you might be able to sympathize. Needless to say I haven't written anything since I finished the fanfic story, but I have been going through some of my old stories, some of the short ones, and there's so much I want to play with. 

Okay, as uncomfortable as this is, I'm going to lay some things out on the table in the hopes that I can help myself get the ball rolling again. I'm trying to lose weight. At the moment I'm sitting at 403 lbs and with my pear shaped body (thank you Great Grandma Ester), I look more than frumpy. I've been given the "okay" by my doctor to start doing light exercise like walking and other things, so long as I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back and I am to be careful of my core muscles because I should be finishing up the healing from the hysterectomy. Just because it was five small incisions, my abdominal wall was cut into and the doctor doesn't want me to get excited do some crunches or something and hurt myself. That said there are some sit and be fit exercises I want to look up and try and we blew up my yoga/palates ball for me to sit on. Funny story, I actually fell off it recently, or rather I lost my balance and rolled back into the sofa. I hit my back and got stuck and Amanda had to come and save me.  

So, I told Amanda no more fast food. If we are going to eat out, let's just go to a restaurant. It will cost more so we don't do it as much and it will be more enjoyable. Secondly, we have to cut down the portion size. It's hard sometimes. When I was having hormonal fluctuations with the PCOS and bleeding all the time, I could never get anything regulated. I am hoping that I can now. Speaking of, something weird is going on, I have been craving sweets. I have always been a salt person- as in eating it plain, but lately, I just want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream every day. I'm a little weirded out by that.

Anyway, those are just some things I want to try working on or with. I am kind of hoping that I can lose some weight before m wedding. I have no high expectations, but if I could lose twenty lbs, that would be nice. I've got 4-5 months to do it in. 

Bat Fit 2017 Update pt 1 and Falling in to place

I thought it was time to update my progress with Bat Fit this year. While not all areas have some progress, some do and I think they are important enough to note.

1. Health aspect: 

Living/ house wise

Somethings in our house are finally starting to fall into place. After both of us being sick for a month and really having a slow recovery, I managed to pick up a cold. I'm on the upswing of it, I think, but poor Amanda is beginning to come down with it. However, we have managed to get some cleaning done- cleaning that really fell to the wayside while we were sick. Amanda did a huge majority of it, like moving the things that I can't move and helping me out with the dishes. I cut my finger pretty bad a few days ago right where it bends, so every time I bend my finger, the cut keeps getting a little bigger. It doesn't need a stitch, just some time to heal. I've got it wrapped in two band aids to keep it kind of stiff and straight. 

Weight wise

We haven't managed to start the hypnotherapy or start yoga just yet. However, I noticed on the community bulletin board, when I went to check the mail, that the health advocate in our area is doing a "Walk with your neighbors" sort of thing for an hour every morning. I thought I might try it, at least until my friend Chris can join me for the Yoga we want to do together. I probably won't be able to go far or fast at first, but that is okay. I asked my friend Tsuki if she would like to join too but she looked at me like I had grown a second head. Her choice.

We've been experimenting with food. We tried a black bean spaghetti. It was over 5 dollars a box and while it tasted fine, it was like chewing rubber. I'm never getting it again. 

We made crepes with  mixed berry sauce.

Yes, crepes have sugar in every part of them, but I am going to tinker with the recipe to cut some of that down. Also, they are surprisingly filling and I can eat two and feel full.

When I was shopping in Winco a month ago, I stumbled upon Gyro meat while in the deli/ meat and cheese section. They sounded so good and it had been awhile since I have had one. So, I planned to get the stuff to make them this shopping trip. I make a meal plan every two weeks to fit a 150.00 dollar budget (that includes laundry soap, toiletries, cat food and litter, and so on). So, I had to wait. Anyway, while I like the sauce I bought at the store, I want to make my own. Amanda doesn't really like the cucumbers so I told her that I could make her chicken gyros with mayo like a fast food chain back in Wichita does. She seemed to be okay with that. Also, a gyro and a very small salad or a an apple seem to be quite filling for lunch as well. 

Back to this two week's shopping trip, I went to three stores. Wal-mart for laundry soap and toilet paper, Winco for the bulk of our shopping, but we went to Yoke's Fresh Market for their Fresh Friday sale. I bought the majority of our fruit and veggies there but the primary mission was the 93% lean hamburger meat. It was on sale and I bought two three ponders to section off smaller and freeze. I also found a roast that should feed us for three, if not four meals, and I can make various things with it. 

Beauty health. 

I was inspired a little by a friend's post about her hair and skin care regimen. Mine is no where near as natural as hers. There are things she does that I know are better and healthier that I just can't seem to make myself do. Point of fact, while I know they would be better, healthier even, I can't handle the texture of some of it. So in lieu of that, here is what I do use. 

I have really sensitive skin that has often been subject of chemical burns by certain products, so I generally test stuff before use. I also have a skin fungus (that sounds so gross, I know) where I develop brown spots under my boobs, neck, and pretty much anywhere I sweat a lot. It doesn't hurt or itch or anything like that. So I use Dial anti-bacterial body wash most of the time and when the spots decide to develop- which is not very often thankfully- I have to use a ketokonozole shampoo. But sometimes I get to use body wash from Bath and Body Works. I tend to use their perfumes and lotion too because they don't bother my skin. Plus, B&BW stuff is kind of a treat to myself.

Winter scent

Spring and Summer

Fall scent

For my face, I've been using baby wipes to clean off make up. I bet there are some people who will scream, but they do the job nicely and are more cost effective. The same things that are in the make up remover wipes I used to buy for double- almost triple the price, are i the baby wipes I use. After that, I use a homemade toner made with rose water and witch hazel. I follow that up with moisturizer. I pretty much have to, not because I have removed some oils from my face, but because I have stupid combination skin that's really dry in some areas and stupidly oily in others. 

Okay, I know this has gone kind of long, so the rest will be in part two!

And now for a post that makes sense, Bat Fit 2017, mouse fails.

We have a bit more snow than this...quite a bit more. In fact, I was taking a friend to her doctor's appointment today and Amanda's Kia Optima got temporarily in the snow, going up a hill. It was exciting- apart from the old man yelling at me. A note on that, it is more effective to calmly give me instructions than to scream them at me.

Okay, because I am unsure how much I got into my last post about Narcisa and all my attempts to read said post have been unsuccessful, I'm going to update her situation now. Amanda and I took our furry princess to the vet because her voice sounded awful and we had suspicions that she was sick. There was also a fear that she was really sick due to her penchant for eating whole pawfuls of fireplace ash. Seriously, we were fighting her to stop, moving the ash bucket, covering the ash bucket. As it turns out the Vet thinks Narcisa is a freak for eating the ash, has never had a cat who has done that, and considering her love of eating random things, she has pica. Further, he thinks that she may have caught the little cold that Throin brought home with him when we adopted him and it was wearing off. But because she growled and hissed so much on top of eating ash, her throat is basically just aggravated and if she doesn't get better in a week or so, we are to take her back in. She is getting better though.

Bat Fit 2017 Link

Bat fit is something that I have been interested in for the last couple of years. Some of my blogger friends have participated in that time and it just seemed like something kind of out of my reach, per se.  Well this year, I am going to take a stab at it with a sharp stick and see what happens. So to revisit my list from a previous blog addressing something similar to this, I'm going to go into more detail about what those things mean and a little of my action plans on how to work on them. These are not really resolutions, they aren't even really goals, they are just things I want to work on so as not to set myself up for failure. The idea is to have positive experiences, not stress myself out and tear myself down trying to achieve things outside my limits. 

1. Health

While my overall health appears to be good- at least according to my blood work, minus anemia, I am over weight. In fact, if I were to use the clinical term "Morbidly obese". I have been struggling with my weight for over the last decade, clear back to the end of high school. From depression to fucked up period patterns and horrible heavy bleeding, and medication, none of this has been easy. Thrown in fibromyaliga and a herniated disk plus an affinity for sedentary activities (reading, writing, movie watching, sewing, and other various crafts), I've been fighting an up hill battle. Actually, I fight it even when I've gone to the gym and swam every day or done an mile on the elliptical every day.  Do I want to lose weight? Yes, of course, there are far too many lovely Goth fashions I want to wear. Plus making and buying clothes would be cheaper too. But I am not going to make myself miserable trying to lose weight. I could run myself ragged and never get anywhere.  

Instead, Amanda and I are going to start the weightloss hypnotherapy disks left over from a few years ago. It had been working a little bit but then we lost control of what food we ate when we lost our food stamps and her mother was buying and cooking our meals. I kind of just said fuck it and threw in the towel. So, back to that and eating smaller portions. We don't typically eat too terribly anyway. I try to maintain a high protein diet with veggies and fruit. We are also going to start a yoga regimen with a friend of ours. I will do that until I have my hysterectomy, take some time off for that, and then once healed, go back to doing it. 

2. Writing

Writing is hard for me. I've had really negative thoughts about it. The joy of it has been sucked clean from it and it became more of a chore than anything else. There are several reasons why, most of which stem from crippling lack of self esteem, self loathing, self doubt, and outside factors beyond my control. When that went, one of the foundations for my personal "joy" was snuffed out. I've been trying for the last year to get it back and that in and of itself has been an internal fight. I've thought many times that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a writer anymore, that that ship had sailed, and that I am desperately holding onto something that was never meant to be. Those thoughts hurt me in ways I can't describe. So, maybe there is hope yet. 

I would like to begin a writing group. I'm also going to write at least 6 hours a week as prescribed by Brandon Sanderson (author of the Mistborn series) from his college writing course. It is on Youtube and the link is here  . 

3. Wedding

We don't have a lot of money for this venture in our lives, but we we want to make it as nice as possible. I'm going to start a Gofundme page to help get my parents up for the wedding just as soon as I get over my hang up of begging other people for money to make something good happen in my life. Because that is what this feels like.  Secondly, I want it to be as easy and smooth as possible. We've enlisted one friend to help with some projects and will probably be enlisting a couple of others.  As for one of our big stumbling blocks, dresses, If I can't find what I like on Torrid come prom season, I have patterns to make what I want and have informed Amanda as such. She said okay. 

4. Crafts

In general, I'm going to work on various craft projects in various mediums, as the year progresses. From sewing, paper crafts, painting, and crochet, I want to get a couple of big projects finished by next Yule. 

5. Heathen and Witch Study and practices

There are books I have been meaning to read that I feel I am ready for. There is a lot I wish to learn and I do have some ideas of what I want to explore where I feel drawn to go spiritually. Frankly there are also somethings that I have always wanted to do- like learn to read Tarot and Runes and so forth. I also want to explore Seidr. 

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more

Ever since high school I have had a goal to read 20 books a year. I don't always achieve that goal, some years I only get 5 read and some years I manage 42. Reading expands knowledge and helps to hone writing and vocab, shows style and so on. Plus it is really fun. 

7. Quiet time for myself as well as Amanda and I, together.

I need self care time that I don't beat myself up about. I am terrible with that. In fact, I often feel guilt for taking time to myself when I should be doing this or that. It only keeps the self hatred cycle going. So, I am going to try and do some things for myself whether coloring a picture, taking time to do crafts or read, watch a show or movie, or just sit and listen to music. I also want to get back to doing things that make me feel pretty, like putting on make up and doing my hair every day. Painting my finger nails, plucking my eyebrows and so on. 

I also want to have time just for Amanda and I. We need time to watch movies together, to talk, to go out and do things even if it is just to go for a drive. So much of our lives is surrounded by other people and while we love our friends, sometimes, we just need time to be together. 

Anyway, those are things I'm working on for Bat Fit 2017. If they all happen or they all go anywhere good, I will be pleased, but I'm not going to beat myself up about not getting everything done. 

Lastly, I bought a new gaming mouse so I could play Eveonline a little easier. It seems that this mouse and I are not getting along very well at the moment. I am going to do some trouble shooting and if it doesn't work like it is supposed to, I can hopefully send it back.

For now, I need to work on making fruit sushi and chicken teriyaki sushi for dinner. Amanda was supposed to do it but she's fallen asleep... again. 

The Weight Pandemic: Part Two: Personal Experience

In part one of 'The Weight Pandemic' I wrote about society placing so much emphases on weight and how you can never go anywhere without seeing or hearing something about weight. I wrote about how people are judged by weight, and how there is an unreasonable expectation to be grossly thin. I also wrote about how some of my own friends are passing judgement on others. In this part I am going to talk about my experiences and those of one of my Cousins. 

I'm the girl on the left with the long, dark hair. Twelve years ago I wore a size 12, I was a sophomore in high school. I think I looked pretty, happy, and relaxed. Which I think is really awesome considering how depressed and upset I had been while shopping for a dress for this event. I might have been a size 12 but I could never find a dress to fit me right. Granted we didn't have much time to find a dress and were on a budget but those things combined with my body shape made it nigh impossible to find a dress. I am pear shaped. My hips are wide and my shoulders are narrow. When buying dresses and shirts, I have to buy to fit my hips and alter them at the shoulders so things don't look frumpy, weird, and don't fall off at the top. I remember being frustrated, angry, and so upset to see a dress I really liked, find one in my size only to go the the fitting room and not have it fit. I also remember feeling so guilty for dragging my parents from store to store in an effort to find something, anything! I knew they were getting frustrated so after three or four hours of shopping I settled on the one in the picture. It wasn't a  bad dress, it was far more affordable than some of the others I had been looking at and I think it might have even been on clearance. It was pretty and comfortable, my mom picked it out, and I wore it more than once.

      

This is me now. I wear a size 32 in pants. I still think I look pretty but that doesn't seem to matter because I am, by definition 'morbidly obese'. I have even been told so by an official. As you can imagine that really hurts. How did I become so grotesquely huge in twelve years? It doesn't matter and the story of the how or why isn't important. Just know it was never intentional, I never did this to myself on purpose and I have been struggling with it the whole time. I've tried diets. I've tried smaller portions of food. I've tried diet pills and exercise (nothing extensive, I didn't have time for it, but walks and parking father away from the store doors, little things like that). I've tried all sorts of combinations. 

I have been harassed by an employer about my weight. He used to come up behind me (this was when I only wore a size 20 in jeans) and tell me that I was too slow and that he was going to whip me into shape. He gave me tasks around the store he never gave anyone else, things like cleaning door tracts, cleaning grills, and having me switch between stations so I ran back and forth all the time and never got a break. When I needed to go to the doctor I would make my appointment in advance and  ask for that day off and he would schedule me in so I was forced to find someone to switch shifts with me. Another manager had to fight him to approve the raises I was due for passing all my certifications. I ended up quitting because of him. 

I have gone in to apply for jobs and been told that they were out of applications but then seen someone walk out of the store not but a few minutes after me with one. I've gone to interviews and see the change in potential employer's faces when they see me and look me over physically. I can tell the difference in someone who is interested in me as a possible employee and someone just going through the motions until they can get me out of their office. Walking down the street I see the way others look at me, I see them lean into their friends and whisper. I've even heard people say really mean things and been called rude names. And you know what, it really does effect me no matter how much I try not to let it. 

My Grandfather told me I have to get the weight off, that I used to be such a pretty girl. I understand that he is worried about my health, but that really hurt. My Grandmother has been lecturing me about my weight since I was 9, before I was even fat or out of shape. My Uncle D took me on a 23 mile bike ride when I was a teenager and then swimming for two hours afterwards and he's always been subtlety pushing fitness on me since I was little. 

All of these things, the judgement of others, people 'trying to be helpful', the lectures, the constant weight focus of society, has not helped improve the way I look at myself much less my depression (thought being fat isn't the only reason I have severe depression). In fact, while I might find another large or heavy person beautiful, I hate myself. I've thought of cutting my stomach open and sucking the fat out with the vacuum hose. I've entertained the idea of cutting myself open and scraping the fat out with a spoon and cutting off the excess skin and sewing myself back up. I've thought about starving myself. I've thought about eating and throwing up my food afterward. All of which if I did would land me in the hospital and then the psych ward. 

One of my cousins has always been heavy and always struggled with her weight. One set of her Grandparents gave her sister and brother treats but forced her to eat nothing but healthy food. She was never given treats. She was picked on in Girl Scouts and school. In high school she couldn't fit in the desks and her teachers, being vicious, refused to let her sit at tables so she could learn. Things got so bad that after her mother dropped her off at school in the mornings she would walk home. What was the point of being there if she wasn't even going to be able to sit in class to learn because of bigoted teachers? So she ended up being home schooled. She and I have commiserated enough about our weight and how we feel, and how others have treated us that I know she's thought about doing the same things to herself as I have. 

What I find interesting is that there is all this pressure from the outside world, from society, and from our own peers (even if they don't realize that judging a stranger is like a slap in the face to you) and they can't figure out why people take drastic measures and hurt themselves. Really? What the hell do you expect? After awhile of hearing nothing but 'helpful advice', lectures, insults and hateful things, being judged, turned away from jobs or opportunities it begins to wear on a person. And then they want to call us who have thoughts like my cousin and I do, crazy and tell us we need mental help. 

There is enough scientific evidence out there for everyone in the world to know that not all people are the same. There are different body types, my metabolism might be slower or faster compared to a friend's, my bone structure isn't the same as my cousin's or even my mother's, and genetics play a crucial roll in everyone's physical make up. So with that knowledge why are people still setting standards for weight and passing judgments and hurting each other. Why do they insist on trying to force people to be something that's utterly impossible?    

The Weight Pandemic: Part one: Judgments of friends

I am just down right disgusted with how society is placing so much emphases on weight and appearance. How people aren't good enough, pretty enough, and not worth anything if they are fat. It's cruel, demeaning, and shameful and not to mention there is this unreasonable expectation to be atrociously thin that people are hurting and killing themselves. In fact weight and judging people by their weight has become such an obsession it infects almost every aspect of our lives. You can't go anywhere without seeing or hearing something about weight. Check outlines in stores are littered with 'weight loss secrets and miracle diets', 'how to lose the weight fast', and 'look how much this celebrity gained', ect... You hear about the 'Obesity Epidemic' our nation is suffering from on the news and internet. There are programs on TV that talk about miracle drugs, how people lost weight, and infomercials for exercise equipment. Ads for Lapban, liposuction, and stomach stapling. And all the time everyone is judging everyone by their weight. Hell even my own friends do it.

The other day, when it was so blisteringly hot, I was out along the Coeur d'Alene River with my Girlfriend, her best friend, and her friend's little brother. My back was hurting that day and I would have much rather stayed at home had I not also been heat sick. So we found a place along the river and waded in which was a really good thing. It cooled all of us down especially me and the water was so cold it even helped to ease my back a little. I found a good rock to sit on and still be half in the water as well as help keep an eye on the little brother. 

While we were there my girlfriend's best friend made a rather uncouth and rude comment about another girl walking around the area. She said that the girl shouldn't have been wearing a bikini. When I asked what girl and why, she said the girl was out of sight and because she looked to be about 200lbs. I didn't say anything but I was really pissed and pretty much thought that was one of the shittiest things I have ever heard her say in public. Especially for someone who claims not to judge people on what they look like, wear, ect... And especially for someone who supposedly used to be fat and got picked on all the time in school. 

Now I have never seen a picture of this friend where she was the least bit fat and I've seen several family photos of her and her sister at their high school graduation party a couple of years ago. She has some very interesting eating habits. She swears she doesn't have a problem but when she buys a small bag of trail mix comprised of dried fruits and nuts and talks about how she really needs this bag of trail mix because it has nutrients she needs that she's not getting but she can't eat the whole bag (never mind that it's a really small bag). I get a little frustrated. And she is always making comments about food mostly about how she can't eat this or can't eat that or she wants this but shouldn't eat it. That is if she eats at all. She's decided to become vegetarian, which I respect. She really wanted to be vegan but loved cheese too much. Now all of a sudden she's lactose intolerant? I know problems can develop but I really believe that this lactose intolerance is a 'mind over body I am convincing myself that I can't have dairy so I can really be vegan' kind of thing (except she still eats dairy). And she was bitching about how she hasn't exercised enough lately and that she's gaining weight. Hon, you wear a size 5, gaining a few pounds for the sake of eating right won't fracking kill you.

Another friend of mine, one who, like me, fits under the 'obesity epidemic' posted a video link on facebook about a woman who was entered in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the world's largest woman. The video was about the woman saying that having sex was helping her lose weight. Note, she said 'helping'. Well this friend wanted to know how that was possible since she was so fat and what could this woman do but lay there. 

A bunch of her Trolls jumped on the post and wrote so many horrible, snide, and rude comments about this woman. Even my friend, who is fat too, wrote mean things. There was a comment about how the woman was lying that she couldn't possibly be having sex because she was too fat and if she tried she would die from overexertion. That she's mentally ill. Someone even said that she was a selfish woman and there are people who need to eat and could have used the food she consumed to get so fat and as punishment she should have to do farm work to produce the amount of food she'd consumed to get down to a weight where she isn't a 'giant glutton'. The same person also asked how many leopards died to make her shirt.   

So I watched the video and then went looking for other articles and information about this woman. There was nothing I read or saw where this woman ever stated that she attributed all her weight loss to sex. She does pool therapy. She has changed how she eats. And yes, she has sex with her ex-husband. She said they do a lot of foreplay. She is on the bottom when they have sex, but she is still burning calories. When I took this information and added it the long list of comments and commended the woman for her bravery and courage in coming out publicly about her weight and trying to help herself (she actually contacted the Guinness Book of World Records to see if she was the Largest woman in the hopes that it would shame her into taking action), people kind of shut up. And then my friend, tried to make herself not look like a judgmental ass but kind of failed by stating that she still agreed with some of the things one of her extremely rude Troll/friends wrote. 

What I want to know is who the hell cares how this woman loses weight as long as she is trying? And why are they so busy being invested in her when perhaps they should invest in themselves? And that goes for the skinny friend above. And just because you wouldn't wear a bikini at 200lbs, doesn't mean that that girl wasn't comfortable wearing one. Personally, I am uncomfortable when she runs around without a bra on but it's her prerogative and I'm certainly not going to make a rude comment about it or make her feel uncomfortable for not wearing one or judge her because she likes to let her tits flop around.  

Edit: The reason why I am using the word 'Pandemic' is because this is not just a problem within the United States of America. This is something that is going on World Wide. Just thought I should clear that up.