Feeling like crap, affirmations, found things

In the comments of my last post, I mentioned to a friend that I would post a couple of the affirmations that I have on some manifestation boards in my house. I went on an affirmation seeking excursion on pinterest several months ago and only saved the ones that I really liked- or rather the ones I felt I needed most or that felt like me. I saved a couple of writer's quotes too. Anyway, the above affirmation is kind reminding me that I don't need permission to do what I need or want.

I love Lily Munster and I felt this was really great for how hesitant I've been about dressing and doing make up the way I've wanted to for years. It's weird, I don't give a shit about what the general public thinks, but my Grandparents and parents, their opinions hit me harder than anyone else's. Took me getting to age 33 to say fuck it and come out of the Belfry completely. 

Damn straight! I love this one! Its bad ass and speaks to the side of me that says "fuck with me and I will end you". Yes, I do have a side like that and no, I don't let it show very often. Mostly because I've been a people pleaser all my life. Hence why it took until age 33 to really come out as goth. 

Moving on to a few author's quotes: 

"True Alchemist do not change lead into gold; they change world into words" ~ William H. Gass

"You only fail if you stop writing" ~ Ray Bradbury

"Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass" ~Anton Chekhov

Do these work? For me, I think they do. Whether or not I am putting on make up at my dressing table or working on something at my desk (the two locations that I have these boards) I've seeing something positive that I want to bring into my life or inspire certain elements within me. It;s not a 100% fool proof thing, but I think about 75% of the time they do help and I will take that.

For the last week or so I've been pretty worried about not being able to find some world building notes for a novel I've only sort of started. I keep rewriting the first chapter because I'm not sure where I want to go with it. The truth is, I don't know my characters as well as I would like. They didn't come fully formed, per se. So I am going to use some worksheets I found online to help develop them- again, I found them on pinterest. Anyway, I spent some time in the other room looking and found them!!! They are a disorganized mess. I'm going to have to rewrite them and then transfer them to a word document. Then I'm going to make a reference guide for the story and see how that works for me in as far as plotting and keeping everything together. In other words, I am going to see if putting in extra effort to be organized instead of having chaos all the time, will help me accomplish the damned novel.

I have felt like crap the last couple of days. The depression monster is really kicking my ass again. It also doesn't help that I awoke in pain again this morning and on top of that, Narcisa decided that it was time to bug the shit out of me. She was knock things over on my nightstand, trying to eat my hair, trying to lick me, and would not stop. And if that wasn't enough, Amanda kept slipping her hands under me and pushing me toward the edge of the bed. She almost pushed me off a time or two. I kept waking her up to tell her to stop and the minute she was asleep, she'd shove her hands under me again. One, it hurt and two, it was pissing me off. And then she got really snippy with me for being pissed at her. I just wanted to be left alone to sleep! Of course, Amanda found it funny when she I told her about it later. I didn't. After I took her to work this afternoon, I ended up on the sofa with the heating pad to try and soothe my body. I also took two Naproxen Sodium to take the edge off. I have got to get a handle on this pain. I need to be able to move!   

And now for a post that makes sense, Bat Fit 2017, mouse fails.

We have a bit more snow than this...quite a bit more. In fact, I was taking a friend to her doctor's appointment today and Amanda's Kia Optima got temporarily in the snow, going up a hill. It was exciting- apart from the old man yelling at me. A note on that, it is more effective to calmly give me instructions than to scream them at me.

Okay, because I am unsure how much I got into my last post about Narcisa and all my attempts to read said post have been unsuccessful, I'm going to update her situation now. Amanda and I took our furry princess to the vet because her voice sounded awful and we had suspicions that she was sick. There was also a fear that she was really sick due to her penchant for eating whole pawfuls of fireplace ash. Seriously, we were fighting her to stop, moving the ash bucket, covering the ash bucket. As it turns out the Vet thinks Narcisa is a freak for eating the ash, has never had a cat who has done that, and considering her love of eating random things, she has pica. Further, he thinks that she may have caught the little cold that Throin brought home with him when we adopted him and it was wearing off. But because she growled and hissed so much on top of eating ash, her throat is basically just aggravated and if she doesn't get better in a week or so, we are to take her back in. She is getting better though.

Bat Fit 2017 Link

Bat fit is something that I have been interested in for the last couple of years. Some of my blogger friends have participated in that time and it just seemed like something kind of out of my reach, per se.  Well this year, I am going to take a stab at it with a sharp stick and see what happens. So to revisit my list from a previous blog addressing something similar to this, I'm going to go into more detail about what those things mean and a little of my action plans on how to work on them. These are not really resolutions, they aren't even really goals, they are just things I want to work on so as not to set myself up for failure. The idea is to have positive experiences, not stress myself out and tear myself down trying to achieve things outside my limits. 

1. Health

While my overall health appears to be good- at least according to my blood work, minus anemia, I am over weight. In fact, if I were to use the clinical term "Morbidly obese". I have been struggling with my weight for over the last decade, clear back to the end of high school. From depression to fucked up period patterns and horrible heavy bleeding, and medication, none of this has been easy. Thrown in fibromyaliga and a herniated disk plus an affinity for sedentary activities (reading, writing, movie watching, sewing, and other various crafts), I've been fighting an up hill battle. Actually, I fight it even when I've gone to the gym and swam every day or done an mile on the elliptical every day.  Do I want to lose weight? Yes, of course, there are far too many lovely Goth fashions I want to wear. Plus making and buying clothes would be cheaper too. But I am not going to make myself miserable trying to lose weight. I could run myself ragged and never get anywhere.  

Instead, Amanda and I are going to start the weightloss hypnotherapy disks left over from a few years ago. It had been working a little bit but then we lost control of what food we ate when we lost our food stamps and her mother was buying and cooking our meals. I kind of just said fuck it and threw in the towel. So, back to that and eating smaller portions. We don't typically eat too terribly anyway. I try to maintain a high protein diet with veggies and fruit. We are also going to start a yoga regimen with a friend of ours. I will do that until I have my hysterectomy, take some time off for that, and then once healed, go back to doing it. 

2. Writing

Writing is hard for me. I've had really negative thoughts about it. The joy of it has been sucked clean from it and it became more of a chore than anything else. There are several reasons why, most of which stem from crippling lack of self esteem, self loathing, self doubt, and outside factors beyond my control. When that went, one of the foundations for my personal "joy" was snuffed out. I've been trying for the last year to get it back and that in and of itself has been an internal fight. I've thought many times that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a writer anymore, that that ship had sailed, and that I am desperately holding onto something that was never meant to be. Those thoughts hurt me in ways I can't describe. So, maybe there is hope yet. 

I would like to begin a writing group. I'm also going to write at least 6 hours a week as prescribed by Brandon Sanderson (author of the Mistborn series) from his college writing course. It is on Youtube and the link is here  . 

3. Wedding

We don't have a lot of money for this venture in our lives, but we we want to make it as nice as possible. I'm going to start a Gofundme page to help get my parents up for the wedding just as soon as I get over my hang up of begging other people for money to make something good happen in my life. Because that is what this feels like.  Secondly, I want it to be as easy and smooth as possible. We've enlisted one friend to help with some projects and will probably be enlisting a couple of others.  As for one of our big stumbling blocks, dresses, If I can't find what I like on Torrid come prom season, I have patterns to make what I want and have informed Amanda as such. She said okay. 

4. Crafts

In general, I'm going to work on various craft projects in various mediums, as the year progresses. From sewing, paper crafts, painting, and crochet, I want to get a couple of big projects finished by next Yule. 

5. Heathen and Witch Study and practices

There are books I have been meaning to read that I feel I am ready for. There is a lot I wish to learn and I do have some ideas of what I want to explore where I feel drawn to go spiritually. Frankly there are also somethings that I have always wanted to do- like learn to read Tarot and Runes and so forth. I also want to explore Seidr. 

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more

Ever since high school I have had a goal to read 20 books a year. I don't always achieve that goal, some years I only get 5 read and some years I manage 42. Reading expands knowledge and helps to hone writing and vocab, shows style and so on. Plus it is really fun. 

7. Quiet time for myself as well as Amanda and I, together.

I need self care time that I don't beat myself up about. I am terrible with that. In fact, I often feel guilt for taking time to myself when I should be doing this or that. It only keeps the self hatred cycle going. So, I am going to try and do some things for myself whether coloring a picture, taking time to do crafts or read, watch a show or movie, or just sit and listen to music. I also want to get back to doing things that make me feel pretty, like putting on make up and doing my hair every day. Painting my finger nails, plucking my eyebrows and so on. 

I also want to have time just for Amanda and I. We need time to watch movies together, to talk, to go out and do things even if it is just to go for a drive. So much of our lives is surrounded by other people and while we love our friends, sometimes, we just need time to be together. 

Anyway, those are things I'm working on for Bat Fit 2017. If they all happen or they all go anywhere good, I will be pleased, but I'm not going to beat myself up about not getting everything done. 

Lastly, I bought a new gaming mouse so I could play Eveonline a little easier. It seems that this mouse and I are not getting along very well at the moment. I am going to do some trouble shooting and if it doesn't work like it is supposed to, I can hopefully send it back.

For now, I need to work on making fruit sushi and chicken teriyaki sushi for dinner. Amanda was supposed to do it but she's fallen asleep... again. 

Bad Kitty, cold breakfast, leaves falling, and writing

Art work by Joseph Vargo 

At 52 degrees Fahrenheit, this morning is a bit chilly. I've been up since around 7 am this and opened the windows to let in fresh air, but it is only now that it seems the birds are truly waking up. Perhaps my rattling around the kitchen in my efforts to cook breakfast and clean kept the quite. Maybe me yelling at Narcisa to get her claws out of the screens and to stay off the altar frightened them. And maybe my hobbling about outside made them hide. Perhaps not since they've gone silent again. For me its been a semi- productive morning. 

Despite my desire to go back to bed this morning, I got up about 15 minutes before Amanda left for work. I was having really weird and kind of upsetting dreams anyway and didn't really want to return to dream land- especially when it involved me being in India and not being able to go pee even though I was in a bathroom, and having some bad people chasing me, I think because I went to some weird forest and brought brought people/creatures back with me... I am not really 100% clear on that. The forest was in another dimension... Or at least it felt that way.  

Anyway, I was up, brushed my hair, got dressed, and came out to the wreck of the Hesperus- as Amanda's Dad often calls messy houses. Groaning a little, I started coffee and cooking my breakfast. While that as going, I emptied the dishwasher, put in the new load, and started that. Because Narcisa was being a bad cat this morning, I spent some time scolding her, and then cleaning up the mess she made of the altar. She ate one of the pieces of wheat a friend gave us and tried, once again, to run off with some Rowan berries. I also spent a little time picking up the living room before my ankle told me it was time to get off it. Of course by this time my breakfast and cup of coffee were both cold and Narcisa was still getting into and onto things she knows she shouldn't. 

After I ate, I decided to carefully shove my feet into my shoes and go outside to collect a few leaves. No, it probably wasn't the best idea to hobble around the back yard with my ankle the way it is, but I want pretty leaves damn it, and I wanted to check on our pumpkins. We have two green ones and two orange ones. I think I am going to have Amanda pick the orange ones today.

Because I am a list maker, I've made a list of things I would like to get done today. One of those is to do some personal homework. I have two books to read and some writing to do, which I am pretty excited about. My thought was to hole up in my bedroom at my desk, but its so nice out today and the view out of my dining room window is so pretty. Plus the leaves are falling, birds, squirrels, and cats are running about, and Narcisa is naping- finally- on the ottoman. So, I think I will stay in the dining room. 

Now to go along with some of that writing, I am need to start brainstorming what I am going to do for  Magaly Guerrero's Witches in Fiction Challenge. Due on Oct 21st, I think this particular challenge is going to bring about some positive energies through the participants. Sure, we'll be looking at stuff that's harming or rotting the world, but in turn we'll be seeing what each other brings to help heal it and I think that's what's going to heal a little bit. No, it's not going to change the world or fix it but I do think every little bit helps. 

Lastly, I am going to share some crappy pictures taken with my phone. I would have taken them with my good camera but my computer hates the memory card and grrr, I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, here are some pictures.

This morning's list and my coffee- you can get that mug at Wal-Mart, for those of you who want it.

Here is my Autumn/ Halloween Altar, for the moment. Typically we have two pictures on either side of Hern but since we moved the altar over to make room for the TV so we could get the fireplace ready for cooler weather, they haven't gone up again yet. And we need to unplug the air conditioner and do something with the cord. 

I turned the photo of my Grandparents around because my Grandma said she didn't want her picture on the internet some time ago- never mind that I have some beautiful photos of her and my Grandpa that I would proudly share...

Left side of the altar.

And the right side. 

Important lessons, nursing dark chocolate, pain, restlessness

I made a toner recently. I thought that A) it would be good for my skin and B) because I have been wearing more make up, it would help soothe my skin. My toner is made up of 3 parts witch hazel and 1 part rose water. I use it in the morning after I wash my face and again at night when I have removed my make up. Except last night, for some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to use it on my eye lids. Sometimes, I'm not very smart. Sometimes I forget that I have very sensitive skin and my the area around my eyes is no exception. (I also sometimes forget that I gave myself a chemical burn with Nair once while trying to remove some of the eyebrows. It was a disaster by the way.) Thankfully, while I didn't end up with a chemical burn, at least according to what I could see, the area along my eye lashes certainly felt a bit stingy itchy, and kind of burn like last night. I told my friend Chris about it and got an almost Mom-like almost scolding. 

My eyes felt better this morning and good enough that I decided to try wearing make up. So far so good. I'm a tad peeved because it took me an hour and a half to do it and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and take a nap. I was rudely awakened by PCOS problems around six this morning and since Amanda had to be up shortly anyway, I just stayed up and made breakfast and coffee. Because of the PCOS problems of today, my back, my hips, and my legs have this incessant dull ache that is driving me crazy. This sort of pain is so draining, forget that I'm bleeding like a stuck pig, and they we add the energy drain from the fibromyaligia... I'm not a happy camper. But, I'm still going to get dressed and I am still going to go visit Chris today. I may just end up curled up in a chair with a small cute dog for cuddles. Chris is house/ dog sitting for a friend of ours and you know what, my friend's dog cuddles me more than Narcisa. *sigh* 

Speaking of my kitty cat, we got her a small box from the store. It was just something that had had cans or dry goods in, not a flat, a box. She loves to sit in it and Fiona and Amanda were sliding her back and forth across the carpet. Narcisa seemed to enjoy it. So, yesterday, I decided I would play with her like that too. Only I didn't have someone to push her back to me, so I was pushing her with my foot. That was fine until I sent her into the ottoman face first. She was not happy with me. Honestly, she was fine, just a little miffed. 

Anyway, I am feeling a bit restless today. There is plenty of house cleaning I could do and there are several craft projects I would love to do but don't have the time or quite the amount of energy for. I think I will stick to something simple, easy, like coloring since I am going to leave at some point today. And until lunch time, I think I will visit my fox cookie jar and nurse a small piece of dark chocolate to soothe my temperament.

Couch Potato time, need for planning, and sleeping on the sofa, and SURPRISES!!!!!!

I know I posted several pictures of Narcisa in the the tea party post, but she was allowing us to take pictures and not being a brat about it. So, here is another good one! I love this one. 

I got a surprise in the mail a couple of days ago, my lovely Swedish friend, Ms. Misantropia, had a giveaway not too long ago and I'd completely forgotten that I'd entered it. Anyway, her package arrived last week and inside was a beautiful necklace! She'd also sent a little something else and a beautiful card. 

Just a few minutes ago, our mailman knocked on our door with a package I had to sign for. It was my Erhu!!! As soon as I get it all set up, since the instructions came in Mandarin Chinese I have to watch some tutorial vids, I will post pictures. It looks awesome! But I don't get to actually play with it, until after I have graduated. However, I want to make sure it is set up properly before then.

I need to take some time today and make a meal plan and grocery list. I don't feel like going to the store today, that will have to wait, but I can at least get half the hard part finished today. 

Today, until I have to go and pick up a friend for her doctor's appointment, I am going to be a couch potato. I am tired, swollen, and I don't really feel very good today. 

Last night I fell asleep on the sofa while watching a movie. I woke around 4 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I got up for about an hour or so and then tried to watch a movie. I made about half way through before I was tried again and though about taking a nap. I got just a little bit of one in before Amanda woke me to take her to work. 

Still, as crappy as I feel, I would like to go for a little bit of a walk. It's going to be hot today and it was a bit humid this morning, just enough for me to notice and say "eww". I would also like for my house to be cleaned up too. It's not terrible, its a matter of putting things away, doing laundry, and sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming. I need to clean the bathroom again, of course, but it can all wait until later. Like I said, I am a couch potato today. 

9th annual Mad Tea Party (my 1st)

Yesterday was the day of the Mad Tea Party! Amanda and I celebrated with our own "Mad Hatter" and Narcisa. We very well couldn't leave the kitty out of the mix, not when she was so interested. I would like to apologize for not getting the pictures up sooner. Amanda and I haven't been feeling the best lately, and we decided to relax, do some numerology, tarot, and simply relax a little afterward before heading out to see the movie Inside Out at a park in Liberty Lake. Also, I want to add that not only did we celebrate the tea part but in doing so, I can mark another item off my Summer Fall Bucket List. So without further ado, here is our party. 

We begin with the mandala curtain between the kitchen/ dining room and the living room. We decided to have the party indoors since we have curious neighbor children and a lot of our tea dishes are antiques and inherited from my Great Grandparents on my mother's side. 

The tea cart with two tea pots. Our friend Rachael, who is the owner of Black Fire Kettle Corn, left some of her lovely kettle corn for us, so I added it to our fare. We have cup cakes too! Mind the cat bed, Narcisa will be upset if its moved.

 Lots of fabric and pillows for comfort and to add in a little bit of a harem feel.

The ceiling.

Two tea cups for two different tea and look a duck!

Our Mad Hatter is has made her appearance behind the cookies!

Our Mad Hatter entertaining her guests

Passion fruit tea.

Blooming green tea with jasmine

Narcisa was happy to have treats of her own! She took a nice little nap after she ate. 

Amanda made up honey turkey, horseradish cheddar, and chipotle Gouda pinwheel sandwiches. I made a chipotle past salad, cut up a pickle, and set out the Swedish Ginger Snaps, Orange Sunflower crackers, and the Moonlight cookies. Of course we had Rachael's kettle corn as well.  

After letting that settle a bit, we had Green Tea Ice Cream (one of my favorites) and a cup cake. Amanda thought Monster High cup cakes were needed because our Mad Hatter is from Monster High. 

Afterwards we noticed that Narcisa had slipped away somewhere. 

We found her curled up under the tea cart. She decided that since we'd found her, she was going to entertain us by being cute and allowing me to take pictures of her. 

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone else's party! Hope you all had fun. Please stop by and see our Host's party, it was beautiful! Our host was A Fanciful Twist!

S. Perry St. Fair and our Asian market haul

This past weekend we headed out to the South Perry Street Fair. Our main objective was to see the Obon Festival being put on by the Spokane Buddhist Church pictured above. I have photos of my own of the church (except inside, I felt it was somehow disrespectful to take photos in there), as well as a short video of Taiko drummers, and some pictures of the actual fair, but they are on my other camera and I haven't pulled them off yet. I will, when I have more time at my disposal. 

The Buddhist church itself was a nice building and everyone inside, the Sensei and the folks down in the kitchen, were very nice. We had Chicken Katsu, a Japanese dish, and I bought some incense as well as some treats they were selling. Amanda pretty much devoured the teriyaki beef jerky before I could get a photo of it, but here are the other two.

Both were quite tasty.
After we ate, we went up to the main room or sanctuary of the church and listened to the Sensei talk about his branch, Shin Buddhism. Once again, while I value and appreciate Buddhist concepts and love it as philosophy, religiously speaking, I was reminded of how it just isn't for me. 

After the church, we walked up the street to see our friend Rachael at her Kettle Corn stand. We spoke with her for a little bit, and we walked up the street a little ways. But, I had to leave Amanda and our friend Fiona and head back to the car because my back was seizing up on me and worse, it had rained a little while we were in the chruch and thus is was horribly humid and muggy. I couldn't breathe very well. 

Once I got back to the car and had the air conditioner running, I was finally able to breathe easy. I called my Dad and told him about the Buddhist Church. He thought it was cool. We also talked about my computer and he had a couple of suggestions for me to try to fix my problem with blue screen of death.  We also talked about a couple of other little things. 

Amanda and Fiona caught up with me at the car and we headed back toward home. Well, sort of. I was ready to be home and yet not ready, plus I had pick up some toilet paper. So, I asked them if they would go with me to a little Asian Market I had found near our house. They, of course, agreed. I had three objectives. 1. Get macha green tea powder. 2. Get tonkatsu sauce. 3. Get red bead paste. I was only able to find one of those and it was the red bean paste. I did find plenty of other little goodies, just some things to try, and some things that I have had before and wanted a little treat of again.

From left to right. Red Beat Paste, some mushroom soup mix Amanda thought I would like although, the smiling mushroom on the package does creep me out a little, and Moonlight cookies. I've never had those cookies and would like to try them. The red bean paste is to make some sesame balls and a sweet treat. 

Strawberry and lychee ramune are always good. And I love the lychee water on the right.

 I bought two of the saffron flower packets, one for myself and one for a friend who makes saffron bread or buns. It was at a really good price. The sweet rice flour is to experiment with. I think my parents had a box of it in their pantry when I was growing up. I certainly recognized right away.    

I decided to try Assam Milk Tea. I have never had it before. I bought some Special Gun Powder tea which I have had and really liked. The Sunflower crackers looked neat, so I tossed them into the cart as well. 

Amanda insisted that we have green tea Kit Kats. She apparently really likes them. I really like them too and would love to get some more. I did some research on Amazon and learned that not only are there green tea Kit Kats, but there are Sakura Kit Kats! Which of course led me on an other search involving Sakura blossom tea and and then it kind kind of spiraled down from there- meaning that I spent a good hour looking up random stuff on Amazon and then ended up spending another hour looking at Gothic Home decor and clothing inspiration on Pinterest for another hour after that. Don't ask how I went from food, flowers, and herbs, to gothic stuff, my mind is messy even for me. LOL!

Lastly, for those of you who haven't seen, Narcisa gave me a rare photographic moment wherein she did not turn her head right as the photo was being taken. In fact, I dare say she posed for this picture and allowed me to take it. I am ticked pink, of course. We were playing in the bed. She loves to play in the sheets and blankets.