Fall Finally!

It's that time of year again! My favorite time of year, Fall/Autumn. Tomorrow is Mabon and we are heading out of town tomorrow morning to spend it with some friends who couldn't make it up. Tomorrow also happens to be Skoora's 30th birthday.

We finally got the fall/Halloween decor from the garage. I spent most of yesterday putting it up, not because we have so much, we actually don't have much at all, yesterday I was just feeling really bad physically. Thankfully it's not much work to put some window clings up, put faux flowers in in vases, and set up the few little nick-knacks we have. Skorra made a 'haunted doll house' out of cardboard boxes for our Monster High Dolls.

I feel so much better now that that awful medicine is out of my system. Well, at least I feel more like my usual self. Aside from that I've just been tired, but that's kind of become a normal feeling in the last year or so, so I'm not all that worried.

What I am worried about is Yoda-chan, my eldest cat. At first I thought he was having trouble with arthritis he's a 16 year old cat, it's to be expected. But then Galen, my other cat, has been bullying Yoda a lot more than usual and really trying to push his way in closer to me. Which is very strange because he's always been an anti-social ass. Now, I think it's all of the above. Yoda is a pretty clean cat but I haven't really seen him groom lately and he has mats in his fur, several of which I've had to cut out. He also spends most of his time hiding/sulking under my bed. Usually hes out and sitting with me. And he's really pissed because I keep cleaning the litter from his paws. He doesn't seem to understand that peed on litter stuck in his fur and caked around the pads of his feet isn't a good thing and since he insists on back up into where he just peed instead of walking straight on through the litter box, he's going to have to put up with getting his paws washed. I don't want to find cat litter in my ear again or in my hair. He likes to sleep on my pillow sometimes. I am going to see if I can get him to quit pouting and perk up a little and if he doesn't then I need to talk to the vet to see if there is something that can help him feel a little better, more like himself so he can at least fight Galen back.

A night of no hope and everything in between

Remember that last post? Yeah, well that all me only I was having a manic episode from the new medication my doctor put me on. I can't believe I had such a strong reaction to the lowest dose! It was insane! I was insane! I had manic episodes. I was shaky all of the time. I was often exhausted and yet at the same time I'd felt like I'd drank a whole pot of coffee. I was tense, felt restless, and if I wasn't sleeping, I was talking almost non-stop, having a laughing attack, or sobbing. 

Thankfully, my Doctor was wise enough to take me off the medication and switch me over to something else, something that has worked in the past. But in the last couple of days I've had to deal with withdraw symptoms. Oh boy does that suck. I'm still having manic moments and then the other night, I had one of the worst emotional crashes I've ever had. 

I lost every bit of hope I'd ever had for anything. There was no point to anything any more. No reason to save money because I would never see my family again unless it was to go to their funerals. No reason to read books because the escape isn't like it used to be (that has something to do with my living situation). No point writing because there's so much wrong with my writing and trying to write while manic was so easy but so stunningly awful I should have been slapped for daring to read it out loud and every other story was pointless. No point in crafts because they cost money to do, time to make, and so forth. No point in fighting for disability they're never going to give it to me. I won't get help for my back so I can get back on my feet. No point in try to lose weight when everything I've done hasn't helped AT ALL. You I actually thought about using the scissors to cut open my leg like they do to the whales they pull up on the beach. It would be so easy. And it would be easy for every one to get on without me being here to drag them down too. All my family and friends in Kansas do it just fine. Kind of like out of sight out of mind. That will continue. 

Really I could go on and on and the point is that I was in such a dark place that even though I was sobbing and panicking, there was an eerie calm settling in. I think if Skoora hadn't been sitting right there trying to talk me through it, I probably would have just killed myself. I think I actually said something about not being able to kill myself because I had no life insurance so just trying to get rid of my body would cost too damned much. 

I really try not to complain, whine, or bother people with too much. There's only so much you can fuss about being people just get tired of it and I've never wanted to be one of 'those' people people don't want to be around. I really try to save my venting and complaining for here and even here I hold back. But this, this was something I needed to get out. It's gotten bad, really bad. I really need to get in and talk to a therapist but mine made me feel like she didn't want me there. Mine made me feel ugly and horribly fat. I have to request another therapist but it's so hard for me. I will be going to the same office as my old one. It;s awkward, it's uncomfortable, and even though I know they aren't allowed to talk about patients, I am so paranoid that I think they will anyway. I honestly have some serious trust issues.  But like I said I just really need to request a different therapist. I also think part of what is holding me back is the fact that it costs money to go and we just can't keep paying the clinic that much money a month on top of my medicine costs, and so forth.

That all aside, I am trying to work on the new story. I really like the idea and I like the beginnings of the characters. It;s just after that manic day of writing and the bouts of mania that I keep having, it's hard for me to settle down and be comfortable enough to write or have much confidence in writing. And that has to stop. It really, really does. 

It's just some days I get tired of all the waiting, all the fighting, and I just want some time to not have to worry about anything. I am tired of forcing myself out of bed, getting dressed, shifting into a mostly-no-nonsense-get-myself-into-gear-and-get-moving kind of attitude and making myself get out of the house. But I know if I quit doing it, I will screw myself over so badly I won't be able to get going again. You know what, it fucking sucks!

Getting somewhere, I think?

Guess what! It's September and in my book it means that it is Fall! Well, almost but this is when I start digging out the fall decorations. I'm not able to get to them just yet this year but hopefully next weekend.

I do have a sad note. I think my eldest cat, Yoda-chan, has arthritis. I am going to talk to the vet and see what we can do for him to help ease the pain. I thought maybe baby aspirin would work but I read on several websites that it's not all that great, especially long term. However, giving my kitty soft massages were on the helpful list and I have already been doing that. I just hope the vet has something affordable. Speaking of Yoda, some of his fur just flew in my face but that's because I've been petting him and have the fan on high.

Speaking of said fan, I had to turn it on high because I woke up sweating. Yay, my fever broke. Boo, I woke up in the middle of the night again! Also, part of the reason I woke up was because my upstairs neighbor seems to like to stomp around instead of walk. So I listened to that for about half an hour before giving up and just getting up.

Since I decided to be up I read for a little bit and then decided that I wanted to write, even if it was word vomit. So I put out about half a page and decided that was a good start to the chapter. I switched a few things around and that seems to have helped me out. I think that's progress of a sort.

Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep again. I need to get up semi-early to go to the grocery store since we are out of food. I should probably make a shopping list but I can do that in the morning or rather in a few hours when I get up again. 

Cats

I had very strange and crazy dreams last night but I'm not going to go into that. No, today I'm keeping it short.

I awoke to face nuzzles from Yoda-chan and it was so nice and sweet I almost didn't get out of bed but you know the urge to pee is strong. As I headed out of the room Yoda started mewing and followed me. The brat wasn't nuzzling me because he loves me. He was nuzzling me to wake me up so I would get out of bed and clean the cat puke out of his food dish. I mean the nuzzles could have been partly out of love but really, he was just hungry.

Last night I had to fight him for my dinner. This morning he was after my cereal even though I have told him over and over that the milk is't really good for him.

Aside from that I hurt and today is going to be a very slow moving day. *sigh*

Something fun came in the mail today!

Today as I was getting ready to take Skoora to work and get myself out of the dourness of the house, the mail woman came and dropped off some packages. One was the filters for the cat's water dish. Another were some small Christmas/Yule presents Skoora ordered for friends. But the last was the Lindsey Sterling CD! I can't tell you how excited I am to have it, finally! I've listened to most of it on Youtube but we finally have the CD and I won't have to listen to the incessant ads on Youtube that jar me when I'm in a decent writing rhythm. Don't get me wrong, I love Youtube, but there are days the ads just really get me.

I'm back at the library for the moment. I wanted to get a few things started for the day since I am feeling a tiny tiny bit better. I will probably head home in a few minutes. It's getting to be lunch time and I need to find a more comfortable place to write today, more comfortable for my back that is. It was pretty bad last night. I couldn't sleep for anything, couldn't find a comfortable position to lay, and worse, I was sweating. We had the window open with a fan pulling in the 63 degree F air and another fan pointed at me and both were set to medium. I ended up sitting on the sofa with the air conditioner on completely ready to just see how much writing I could get accomplished. But writing didn't happen because it was then that I cooled off and the pain had lessened enough that I could finally sleep.

The last couple of days have been full of sleep and we can blame the medicine for that. I've been rather pissed and sad due to that but there wasn't and isn't much I can do about it. If I can't stay awake, then I can't write and frankly, with as bad as it's been I'll take the sleep. Seems like blasphemy to say such a thing. Oh well. I am going to let of all the angst over that... You know what else I let go of while out of commission due to pain?  My eyebrows. HOLY SHIT! I'm going to have spend some serious tweezing time to get them back under control. Not really, I'm kidding, they aren't that bad but I do need to spend some time cleaning them and my finger nails up. And if I am feeling really rowdy I might even put on some makeup. GASP!  Probably not, I think if I can just get my eyebrows plucked today that will be good enough for me. I'm not feeling THAT much better.

The last couple of days: good things and bad things

The last couple of days have not been easy. My hormones have been in flux due to the menorrhagia. All my other chronic pain compacted it and apparently my shin splints have decided to flare up again as well. It's strange, I thought I was finally over that little problem.

While trying to contain and cope with all of that my patience level dropped, my tolerance level dropped, and I've been snappish in situations that I would normally never ever take an issue with. I also haven't handled distraction well or noise I can't control on my own. Over the weekend I've had several more panic attacks. I thought that if I just read one of the books that are close to being due at the library that I would calm the hell down.

It worked for a little bit and I really am enjoying the Vampire Academy novels. The pacing is good, the characters are interesting, and once I pick up a book, I can't really seem to put it down. Shadow Kiss is the 3rd in the Vampire Academy series and it was really good but it made me sob. Something happens to my favorite character. I won't say who or what because I don't dare spoil it for those who haven't read it. Needless to say I've been bothered and upset over it for the last two days. I cant decide if I need to take a break from finishing the rest of the series or run to the library and grab the last three and just read for the next couple of days. An awesome side note, there is going to be a Vampire Academy movie coming out in 2014 and it look really good! Oh and by the way, this story is a hundred times better than Twilight!

Another reason I am wondering if I should take a short break in reading the rest of that series is because I have been writing. As in I have been working on one of my novels again and not just working and tweaking things here and there. I mean actually doing a rewrite, spent most of the day yesterday and got over 10 (single spaced) pages written, kind of writing. I haven't really been able to do that in a long time. It feels so good and I am actually excited with what's coming out on the pages.

There has been some family drama back home. My cousin Tony is as drunk as ever and crashed his bicycle over the weekend. He managed to get one of the handle bars in his lower stomach and had to have surgery. My only hope is that he will finally be put in jail. There is more to all of this, things he's done in the past, he tried to kill both his sisters, and he refuses to quit drinking. His mother couldn't be out done and had to have some attention herself and in doing so humiliated her daughter and physically hurt my father who was trying to get her into her house. It's pretty bad. My Mom is furious. My Dad's back and knees are hurt pretty bad and he was sp pissed he wanted to just slap the shit out of my Aunt. Everyone feels bad for my aunt's daughters who have to live with her at the moment.

I have decided that when I move home Tony, if he isn't in jail, isn't allowed inside my house if he isn't sober and seeking counseling for anger and addition. My aunt is not allowed at my house if she is going to harass me, either of my parents if they are there, or my cousins. I will not put up with her coming over and screaming at people or running them into the ground. I want my home to be a place of calm, of escape, of no violence, verbal, emotional, or mental abuse. If family and friends can't follow those rules, then they aren't welcome.

Another good thing, my Grandma Evelyn sent me a cat toy for my cats. They love it! And you know your Grandma loves you when she sends presents for your cats to cheer you up. I swear, I got so lucky having the Grandparents I have and even the parents I have. Even with all the issues Mom and I had when I was a late teen. And despite all the crap family members I have, I've got some really great ones! That includes friends, after awhile some of my friends have become family too. 

Dump time

Isn't it strange how it seems like a lot has happened only it really hasn't? Or vice versa?

I've not really had a good last couple of weeks health wise and so it has taken it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. Today I broke a little and had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in awhile. I've had one just about every day for the last couple of weeks, sometimes even more than one in a day, but today was by far the most intense. Skoora and her Mom had to help calm me down and I feel so awful that they had to see it. I don't like worrying people. But at the same time I was really glad that they were there. Had I been alone, I don't know how long it would have gone on. I am very exhausted now and could probably use a nap.

Panic and pain aside, I've been trying to make the best of things and try to keep moving. We had Skoora's little cousins over yesterday to watch Monster High and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. We showed the girls our dolls and our ponies and let them play. All three of them really enjoyed their time with us and want to come back, which is really nice because they are so fun.

Yoda-Chan has been rather clingy as of late. He seems to want to be everywhere I am and sometimes he insists on being on my lap or in my arms. I don't think he feels very well and I'm going to have to give him a bath again. He's managed to get his feet yucky again with cat litter. Galen has been a bit clingy too. At least in that he seems to nearly always be in the same room with me and even comes up and asks to be petted.

My Dad and I were talking sometime ago about what game we want to play next since it seems like everyone is moving over to Guild Wars 2 and most of the people in our Alliance don't want to switch anymore than we do. And because less people are playing the first set of Guild Wars games, our Alliance Leader seems to think that after a couple of years, they will shut down the servers. There is talk about us all moving over to Elder Scrolls when it comes out. That sounds like a plan to me. But I have been looking at the NCSoft website the last couple of years, checking out what other games they have, and I saw that Aion is completely free to play. So I downloaded it to try it out. So far, I am a level two mage and like it well enough. I also started a Technist character and a Priest character.

I haven't done a lot of writing. I've had a lot of trouble focusing and have been so depressed. But I can't keep letting the pain, depression, and anxiety get in the way of something that used to make me feel so... so, well, when I would get into the zone, I left me and everything else behind. It felt good. There was always something calming about my fingers taping over the keys and at some point I stopped seeing words on the screen and saw other places. I think, if I had someone to discuss and go over my stuff with it might encourage me to write more often and get me back to where I could just sit down at the computer and go at it. But I've not wanted to bother anyone with it which kind of goes back to one of the reasons I get depressed. The little things and the big things kind pile up and press on me until I can't breathe.

You know, sometimes I just wish I could have a mental or nervous breakdown. Then, maybe I could let go and get everything out of my system and start healing, get back to being the person I used to be. Stronger, more assertive, and less likely to take any shit from anyone.