Becoming social creatures, Merlin, the house and funky tap water.

I've always wanted to watch Merlin but never seemed to get around to it. My friend Chris decided that I needed to see it and I thought, why not. I am hooked. Its not just that the show fun, its that it's inspiring me to work on a story of mine that's been in the works for a couple of years. So, while I have had several days of relentless pain and really lacked the ability to focus on school work, I've more or less been binge watching it. 

Speaking of pain. I've been having a lot of issues lately. I count the fact that I don't have my fibromyalgia medicine as part of the problem. I also attribute it to the fact that I am just plain worn out. Amanda and I have both been going like little energizer bunnies for the last couple of months and its finally truly caught up with us. We are tired and we are getting sick. Amanda has actually had some trouble with her voice- she has vocal nodes that get aggravated from time to time. I've been coughing and have had a few fevers. So while I do have a break week from school, I am going to keep it as low key as possible and rest. There are some books I want to get read before I start the next term and most importantly, I desperately need to set up my writing schedule. Which means that I am going to have several hours every day in which no one will be able to get a hold of me. I'll be shutting the world out, so to speak. 

All of that said, we are becoming social creatures. It's kind of exhausting but really fun too. As introverted as I am, as much as I need time to recharge, I am truly enjoying spending time with my Spokane friends. I do miss my morning coffee with Felicia and hanging out with her and kids every day though, really miss it. But there is exciting news on that front, they stopped by for a short visit this morning. So I got to have some short lived girl time with Felicia and see the boys and Felicia is pregnant again!!! I am so excited for her. She's a little thrown off kilter, because she and her husband were trying to be super careful and there is so much going on in their lives right now. But I know once she has a minute to really process everything, she's going to be ecstatic. 

Back to spending time with Spokane friends. We've been doing a lot with the IEPG and I've made some new friends. There are a couple who have managed to spark Amanda's interest in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). I used to be in it, before I went to college and I've always wanted to go back. So we might give it a go and see how it works out for us. Needless to say we will be that much more busy and will have to juggle spending time with friends even more so. One thing Amanda and I decided was that we are going to guard our personal time as well as our time together. So unless its an emergency, if we have time for us set aside, we won't be altering that. 

My refrigerator sounds like a monster sometimes. Its very strange and I am thinking about asking maintenance about it. My washer is a small front loader and if I accidentally overload it, it rattles and shakes. My dishwasher is a bit loud too and my bathroom fan sounds like it is ready to fly off when you turn it off. The house also isn't completely put together. We are still unpacking things slowly. We are going to two pantry's. One for food for the kitchen, and the other will hold my craft supplies and probably be in the bedroom. There are several things I need to come up with or do to help with storage and to be more organized. But we will get there in time. For now, I am taking it easy and slow today. I am to go over and help my friend Chris out and we're going to work on our workshop together and Amanda will catch up to us for dinner. But other than that, I'm a couch potato.

Lastly, my tap water gives me heartburn. Chris has the same problem. She fixed it by getting a filter for her faucet. I think Amanda and I will be doing the same.        

Stress, depression, and anger sitting in the dark

I found this on my facebook feed. I think I need to print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall. I have been too stressed lately. I have also been depressed- but then again I always am and accept that, but worse, I have been angry.  I get angry that I am angry because the things I am angry about are so pointless or completely helpless- as in it doesn't matter what I do about it, it will end badly so why even try to fix it. Then that supposed to be wonderful phrase of "setting your boundaries" echos in my head and grrrrr, I just don't even want to get into it. Then I get depressed because I am so sad that I allowed myself to get angry or upset in the first place or even that I got stressed out and boy am I stressed out. I know that we humans live with at least a marginal amount of stress, that's life, but I swear if it isn't one thing its another. And it all cycles.

Amanda's driver's side car door is broken again. The tires still need to be replaced. The heat in my jeep is still broken, but hey, we managed to get new windshield wipers! Woo Hoo! 

Both cars have gas and are running, so that is something to celebrate. 

I am frustrated with several of my friends and no, I don't want to talk or even vent about it.

I've decided after years of saying that I was going to do it, that I am going to make a sign to hang outside my front door that pretty much says "don't talk about politics, religion, social issues or trigger warnings in this house unless invited to do so. This is the neutral zone and if you are too delicate or fragile for that, get lost". Or something to that effect. I am tired of it. I am tired of people thinking they need to police other people or that people shouldn't have this or that. This is my house and I refuse to be lectured, told what's right and wrong, or "reeducated" within it. I know it's all passive aggressive, but damn it, I fucking hate confrontation. A sign, you don't need to say a thing. Of course that is part of my problem, I am too polite and too nice to call people out on their bullshit or tell them when they are being offensive. 

The good news is that I have enrolled in health care. I am waiting on my cards to arrive in the mail so I can start looking for doctors and setting up appointments. I'm going to have to find a therapist and break them in. 

I need some time to myself. I do get some but I would like time where I don't have to worry about homework. Speaking of, I'm going to fail formal logic. I haven't failed a class in a long time and I just don't care. I can't find a tutor at the school- at least one isn't listed for that class. I e-mailed my adviser and that's really my last shot. Otherwise, fuck it. It really isn't the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't feel good. 

Another thing that doesn't feel good is the fact that I an feel myself inching closer to a breakdown. I don't want that. 

Back to needing some time to myself. I need a couple of days to just read, meditate, and relax without someone asking me for something or wanting to come over to my house. I was told that there is a lot of good energy in my house and I'd like to keep it that way. So, I may devote this weekend- after I get done with IEPG stuff, to homework, working ahead, to buy myself a couple of days of rest. It's so weird but I feel drained by people who aren't even here.

Oh well. I am going to make a yummy dinner and fresh pot of coffee for Amanda. We are going to a World Religion Celebration or some such with PFLAG tonight. Apparently they asked someone from our IEPG group to speak and since Amanda and I are the resident lesbian couple in the IEPG, that someone thought we should attend and answer any questions. I also need to make myself look presentable. I might feel better with pretty hair and make up.

Surprise? Switched some things around and books

For a couple of days it was miserably hot, but we are finally back to cool, fall weather. Whoot!

I got what I think may or may not be a pleasant surprise when I checked my grades for last term. First, let me say that I passed my photography class, although there were some bitchy comments left by my instructor to which I flipped off my computer screen, called her a hinky bitch and moved on. Very adult, I know. The point is I passed. I also got an A in my New Media Publishing class, but I knew I would. However, when I went to check my grades yesterday, I also checked on my new term classes, which I thought began today since yesterday was the end of my break week. Um... the open date for module one for both classes isn't until the 21st. I mean having an extra week break from school is freaking fantastic, but it is kind of weirding me out. Don't worry, I can handle change, I just want to be certain that I'm not going to be dropped from my classes if this isn't actually a break week and the school got something wrong. I'm going to sent my adviser an e-mail today and do at least the icebreaker posts in each class to secure my spot for the day. 

Friday, last week, I decided Amanda and I needed a change. Neither of us have been very happy lately and to say that we are struggling, is kind of putting it mildly. So, I switched some things around in our bedroom. Where my two bookcases were, the bed now sits and where the bed was is where the book cases are. I also moved the dvd media case and my bedside table and moved the rolling craft drawer thing over to become her bedside table. She liked this change at first, but when we came home yesterday she kind of had a freak out. Of course I think that's more to do with the fact that her parents were trying to be helpful (despite us telling them REPEATEDLY -I really can't stress that enough- not to do our laundry) and did our laundry. It was all laid out on the bed. As a result, we came home at 2 am last night to half dried laundry laid out on our bed and this morning Amanda went to get work clothes and they were more or less still wet, not damp, wet, in the hall way closet. The reason why we don't like them to do our laundry is because point of fact, we are fat girls and don't like our stuff shrunk in the dryer. Also, our clothing is a little more expensive and when a lot of what we have is dryed over and over again, it gets ruined. Anyway, so yeah, last night wasn't so great for the bedroom change. She was upset over some stuff impeding her walkway too, but that is an easy fix. 

Saturday, this last weekend, we went to our friend Chris' house to do a late birthday party for her. She had the house to herself this weekend. Anyway, I made her dinner and a birthday cake complete with black icing. We watched a scary movie, a comedy routine, and listened to music while painting. Amanda did some job applications while we painted. Yesterday, Amanda went to work and I stayed with Chris all day. Fiona had her Mom bring her so we could to the Spirituality circle. We went to that and then went to dinner at our new friend Birdy's. It was fun and after that, we went back to Chris' house to get our things, have some cake, and watched another comedy routine. I fell asleep while watching it and Fiona and Amanda had to wake me up. I hate doing that. But it was a fun and relatively peaceful weekend. 

On to books. I have a lot of reading to do this coming term. I'll be reading A Midsummer Night's Dream, Richard III, and Hamlet, oh and also Macbeth, all within 8 weeks. I can do it! I will also be reading poetry and writing it for my poetry class. Honestly, I kind of just want to read nothing but mass market paperback fiction. I have several Paranormal and Urban Fantasy novels that I want to curl up in bed with, coffee or tea included. I might do just that a little later. 

Writing. I am having some trouble writing and I think it all stems from the intensity of my depression and anxiety lately. I'm not having writer's block and I'm not too worried about writing crap or fucking it all up, because I know I can go back and fix it. I just think its the depression. When school is going, it partly has to do with that too, but otherwise, yeah, I've been so freaking frustrated and depressed- tired, to just do it. Even getting Amanda RP posts lately has been a struggle. This shit is getting old. And confession time, I'm starting to not even like writing anymore- which pretty much devastates me and breaks my heart ( feels like its the last piece of myself that's being snuffed out and there's nothing left but this hollow casing). It's such an utter struggle that I spend more time  agonizing over it than enjoying it. I guess that's what happens when people subtly suffocate you and say without saying that you're never going to be good enough for several years. No, I am not saying that I need my ego stroked, what I am saying is that when you can't even get certain key people in your life to actually read what you've written and you can't even let some people read it because of things they have said when some one shares another person's writing, yeah no. but I am just depressed today, whining, and lamenting my life in general. My choices and things out of my control really kicked the shit out me and I'm tired of trying to fight back, it's too exhausting. So for today, I'm not going to fight, I'm just going to be and if people give me shit, I'll throw shoes at them, because that's actually kind of fun.     

Wackadoo

After stressing out, having OCD-like moments, and generally feeling the need to tear my hair out over my Math class- which was more write about how you feel and felt while me made you feel like a complete idiot while you try to decipher mathematical theories- I contacted my adviser Sunday night, and asked to be withdrawn from the class. I told her this class just wasn't a good fit, that it was more upsetting than revealing (other than grinding in the fact that I'm not a math person), and that I really wasn't getting anything out of the class but more stress than I really wanted to deal with at the moment. I asked if I could be switched to a regular math class, like algebra. Unfortunately, I can be placed in a regular math class at this time, but I was able to withdraw from the current class and got that all taken care of yesterday morning. I now have more time to focus and devote to my WW2 class, sewing, and other little projects I need/choose to do over the next few weeks.

Whoa, the library just got a sudden wave of noise and conversation. A few minutes it ago it was so quiet that I could hear a cranky man fussing about the cost of his print outs up at the front desk. I kind of wanted to throw something at him for giving the librarian trouble. But, sadly, that ship has passed.

Yesterday, since I was one class less, I decided to sort of celebrate. I finished the last book in the Elemental Witches series by Anya Bast, Witch Fury. I still don't like her writing style but I really liked her ideas and the main plot arch and I liked the last book much better than the first. After I was finished with it I read the short story she wrote that follows the series. It was my favorite, but then again Micah is probably my favorite character.

Tonight there is a class on developing psychic abilities with the IEPG (Inland Empire Pagan Guild). I was set to go but Skoora asked if I would skip it since she is leaving for Boston tomorrow and will be gone for two weeks. She's on a low residency MFA program and twice a year she has to go to the college to do said residency. I always hate it when she leaves for two weeks, but I always manage to keep myself occupied and fall into an alternate rhythm. Who knows, maybe this time I will manage to actually get some stuff done. Since I have some extra time, I kind of want to plow into a some writing. Here it is the 8th of the month and I haven't written a damned thing for Camp NaNoWriMo and I decided to participate again.

Feeling kind of Wackadoo today. I came into the library to pick up a book and decided to sit down and write a blog before going home to deal with homework. I had other stuff I wanted to blog about but I can't seem to remember what it was. At this point, it probably wasn't too important... And I just remembered that I forgot to take my allergy meds before leaving the house and that is why I've been sitting here with itchy eyes and skin. Time to go home!