Weight, doctors, and the naked house

 

My little house is naked- don't mind the furniture, we have set that out as 'free' and have actually already shed a few items already. Anyway, we hired a company to come out and take down our dead and dying pine trees. They had been attacked by pine beetles and that was a problem before we purchased the house 5 years ago. The grass is dead, which annoys me, but we can't seem to figure out where to turn on the water for the front outside faucet. We've had a couple friends look, my father-in-law, and nope. 

But, I suppose it works in our favor because now that the trees are down, we're going to deal with the stumps, rake all of the pine needles and mulch out, and next year, plant some roses and or ferns, and Selene (aka Amanda), wants two weeping cedars to frame the house. We're looking at non-grass options that don't have to be watered all the time as well. But not gravel or concrete. we have enough concrete that heats up and makes the house hotter in summer. And we are replacing that bullshit of an excuse hand rail the previous owners installed to pass the FHA inspection. Of course I want to set up a couple more bird feeders so the cats have 'tv'. I am a bit sad they can't bitch at the squirrels in the mean time. We had two that would chase each other up and down one of the trees and the cats lots their shit over it. 

On to doctors and weight. I've heard so many things about weight and weight loss over the years and I've had so many 'helpful' people try to push diet schemes on me or 'advice', enough to make my head spin. I've read 'scientific evidence' articles- usually associated with diet plans to make them sell and some real science, heard speculation on phycological factors, genetic factors, ect... But what my ex-doctor and Selene's current doctor told her makes me ACTUALLY want to drive over to his office and just punch him. 

When I had him as a doctor, he was on me from day one about my weight and seeing the nutritionist. And it was basically his mantra for every visit regardless of what I was actually seeing him for. He is from Vietnam, hates the American diet, and is a little twig of a man. I always tried to remember that every time I saw him, and just let shit roll off, especially when he'd do the doctor/mansplain thing over EVERYTHING. Eventually, I got sick of it because he wasn't actually doing anything to truly help me. I guess that's what you get when you go to them more affordable 'community health' clinic. Still, he was refilling my blood pressure medicine- of which I am on the lowest dose and am working to be off of. Oh and he stopped prescribing my heartburn meds, which really aggravated me in that I have GERD and literally water gives me heartburn and without those meds I am sick all the time and can't eat. But long term use of that medication is really not good for your stomach and has caused some big problems. But he wouldn't give me anything else as a measure to deal with the GERD. 

Anyway, I asked for a female doctor, because I wasn't getting anywhere with that guy, and I wanted to talk to someone who actually had 'female' issues. I was never given hormone replacements after my hysterectomy because "you're fat and fat stores estrogen, you'll be fine". But am I? Have I been? Is that really the right thing to do? Anyone I've talked too is surprised. New female doctor was too when she heard that and said she was going to investigate it. That was several months ago and I haven't heard anything from her. So, I'm guessing she got busy and forgot, which is fine, the way people are funneled in and out of the clinic, its a wonder they remember their own names. Oh and she too, wanted me to see the nutritionist.

So, when looing to set up nutritionist visits not just for myself but Selene as well, we ran into a problem. There is 1, for all the clinics in the city. He only works 2 days of the week and both those days and the time bracket he works in is when Selene works. That's really stupid. And more than that, we already know that he's going to tell us, and it's stuff I've been frighting with her to implement for YEARS! Last night she was lashing out at me because of what her doctor said- which I will get to in a minute- and the fact that she didn't think there were enough carbs in dinner. There were plenty. I cut up 6 fingerling potatoes to toss roast with carrots, bell peppers, and chicken. Even the seasoning packet had a few carbs in that it had a little sugar in it. I kept the eggplant and mushrooms on the side for me. But she thought we needed rice or more potatoes. We really didn't and I wouldn't budge. Besides, she got fresh fruit after dinner.

So when I asked about why she was lashing out, keep in mind her last doctor's visit was 2 months ago, she told me. (You'd think, after 15 years together her communication would be better, ha ha, think again). She said he told her people are fat because of sexual trauma. Excuse me?! While that might be the case for some people, it is certainly NOT the case for her and many others. He is completely ignoring any and all other factors, just threw out a blanket assumption- which was WRONG- without doing any proper investigating. That makes me want to scream! 

I know why she's fat. Her parents both have eating disorders that stem from scarcity of food growing up. Her mother doesn't want to cook anything unless it is easy and or generally comes from a box. Her Dad doesn't really cook much of anything but is a goat. Her general diet growing up consisted mainly of carb loaded foods that were bland and she, like her parents, has a monster sweet tooth. When we got together, she thought mashed potatoes came from a box. She didn't know you could cut the potatoes, boil them, and then mash them. She could eat a whole package of cookies, by herself, in one sitting. By the time I came into the picture both her parents were diabetic and chugging down diet sodas like they were lost in the desert and any water was toxic. AND she's been on various depression medications since she was in her early teens. She's been 'warned' by her mother that she'd going to be prediabetic and diabetic for YEARS if she doesn't eat better. Kettle black. And more than that, thanks for putting that out in the universe. THAT is why she is fat. Not sexual trauma. 

As a doctor he should know better. And as a doctor, he should know that a vast number of the medications he prescribes all have, among many other not so stellar side effects, the side effect of weight gain- especially if it is one of the more common depression medications. But, because I do a little of my own research and look at side effects of medications when prescribed so I know the positives and negatives of taking the medication and also know that doctors are trained to 'treat fat first' instead of the actual problems, and have had nothing but a string of doctors who refuse to actually listen to me for over the last decade about my fucking period until I started taking picture of my crime scene bathroom and ended up in the ER and having that doctor mansplain me but take a blood test and come back to eat his fucking words and tell me- uh yeah, you're actually bleeding to death, you might want to get that hysterectomy fast tracked and then learned that I had precancer... *Silent rage scream in head* Here we are. And don't even get me started on the lack of care my mother is paying NOT to have for her health problems. 

I don't like doctors anymore. I don't really trust them. They make assumptions. They don't listen. And they also don't work with you to find proper solutions. they just want to throw a band aid on the problem and shoo you out of the office so they can do the same for the next patient and so on and so forth. It is disgusting. but our health care system isn't health care, it is health profit and keeping people miserable and fat, keeps them dependent on that system. We are all cash cows for them. 

I haven't ranted/vented like this on a blog for a long time. Kind of feels good to get frustrations out, but it doesn't really change anything. Selene needs a new doctor and we're going to try and get her one soon. I also want to see about getting a different one, not at the clinic. I am thankful the cost of visits at the community health clinic have been more affordable- we are private pay because it is actually cheaper for us to just pay out of pocket than pay for health insurance- but we really do just need to suck it up and go to regular doctor's office again. We both got better care that way. Besides, we don't need to go to the doctor that often. We've been fortunate in that regard. Mostly we go once or twice a year for check ins. Again, I am grateful for that. And it's not like we don't put forth any effort toward our weight loss goals. We do actually. We could do better, but, like all people, we could do better with everything in life.    

So many Dragons and attempting to blog again after almost 3 years

 

A lot has happened in the last couple of years and I'm not sure where to begin. So, maybe I'll start with dragons. I'm reading, at a snail's pace, The Hobbit. A friend lent it to me because the last time I had seen the actual text, I was pretty little and my Dad was reading it to me before bed every night. Of course, I enjoy the movies, the music and Smaug is one sexy beast! But, reading it as an adult is a fun adventure- when I remember to pick up the book. Normally, reading isn't a problem for me. Okay, I'll admit that I have had some struggles with some books in that they have actually put me to sleep- there were two in college and one in high school (I am looking at you My Antonia). Some of the books on Kindle have had pacing issues or maybe the story wasn't holding me- which I feel it is important to note that I have a high tolerance for a great deal and more so for the tedious and slow moving story, depending, more so than most people I know. 

Anyway, my struggle is not any of those things with the Hobbit, Tolkien is the kind of word porn that I enjoy. It is simply that I have been busy and set the book down and it got moved into the office/craft room, and just recently discovered where it had been tucked away to. The Hobbit is now out where I can see it and the sooner I get to read about one of my favorite arrogant dragons, the happier I will be- especially given events as of late. 

The second dragon item is that I started the Game of Thrones: House of the Dragon series tonight. I was not happy with how Game of Thrones ended. I could rant about that forever and a day, but I think that is best saved for another time. I am tired and its getting close to my bed time. Yes, I know how the story is going to go and like Rogue One of Star Wars, we get the gist. However, I do enjoy the court/political intrigue and well, DRAGONS! 

My third dragon item is that Selene- aka Amanda, aka my wife, and I, along with two cousins and a couple of friends, have been playing D&D A LOT! I'm finally getting to have characters that start at level 1 and actually level up, not just one level, but several. I'm finally getting to see what higher level characters are like, actually enjoy a story, learn more about and how to play the game. I understand some games fizzle out, but damn, it was disheartening. I tend to get excited and invested. If the character dies during session, fine, I will get over it, and that's one thing, but the whole campaign? That's shit. Unless the people who are playing are shit, but there are horror stories about that kind of thing on the internet. 

On a slightly shifted dragonesque topic, I've made some D&D and dragon centric things for my Etsy store. If anyone remembers, I kept talking about wanting to start a store. I finally did it! It is called Shadow Fox Witchery. I will most likely talk about the store more in depth later. Anyway, I embroidered two dragon designs on tote bags today. And I spent half my day ironing. Which leads me to the next topics. 

We've been busy. I didn't think the pandemic was going to take much toll on me, not like it did for a lot people. I'm introverted so staying home wasn't too out of the norm for me. Selene's work moved to remote- work from home- during the pandemic and that has now become permanent. We did get Covid and it was awful. I had had a fever so high I probably should have gone to the hospital, but we managed it. Our sleep schedules were sufficiently screwed up for a long time, and the Covid really took a toll on both our depression and anxiety. Then, trying to go back out into the world when things began to open up was a struggle. I am still ordering groceries online and picking them up. 

What's helped with that is that we have done some updates on our home. We redid the bathroom and are very shortly going to be redoing the kitchen. That has been a kind of a cluster fuck. We tried to do the online design thing with Lowes and the guy we were working with was okay, but he didn't stay within our budget and nothing was really going to change with the kitchen. Worse, everything is on back order and the wait time and how long we were going to be out of a serviceable kitchen was getting longer and longer. We can't not have a functioning kitchen for several months.  So, we went into our local store and just asked some questions of the kitchen designer there. We're doing this shit ourselves. She not only answered every question, talked us through how to do stuff we weren't sure about- because she's actually done it all herself, gave us resources, ect... And it was all significantly less than our max budget! We will be doing everything except the plumbing, that we need a plumber for, but we need one anyway to hook up the dishwasher and take a look at a leak in the basement. 

But we are having other issues with the house aside from a leak. Our oven door broke. Selene fixed it, twice. We are finally getting the pine trees removed in September and we were damn lucky that one a very windy day the one that fell miss both our car and Kat, our cousin's car, by mere inches. The fireplace was looked at and cleaned and has a great bill of health. However, when we tried to get two extra electrical outlets installed in the house, the electricians who came out to look into doing it, said we really shouldn't. And they were pissed for us. We have that great old knob and tube wiring. It hasn't really been too much of an issue until recently. The fuse for the main level blew four times tonight in the space of an hour. Apparently we can't have the ac running while the dishwasher is going and watch tv. Which is troubling, because we've done so just fine before. Odd combinations of stuff seem to trip it. Selene wanted to do solar panels on the roof not only to save on electric but to give us more of a buffer against the sun beating down on the roof. Because there's a good lack of insulation. I'm starting to think we are going to have to rewire the whole damn house sooner rather than later and am dreading that, especially if walls have to be torn into.

And if we get into more of the mundane problems, we spent a nice chunk of change on getting our car worked on. They were supposed to have fixed the ac in the mix of things we needed done. The front blows just fine, but the back is still blowing hot air, so they will be fixing that. And we have to take it back in, after this weekend, so they can replace the motor mounts and I forget what else they needed to do. 

Aside from dealing with all of those things. We have been to the Seattle area for vacation, albeit short and kind of packed full with places to go, it was so nice to get away. I forgot what a vacation actually felt like. Don't get me wrong, driving down to visit my family is a kind of vacation too, but it is stressful in that I'm the only viable driver out of Selene and I- we suspect she has narcolepsy but to be tested for it is so freaking expensive we can't afford it so she'll be getting no help for that anytime soon- and then there is the stress of family. I can't tell my Grandmother half of the things I do or am involved in, we don't discuss that Selene and I are married. My mother's health is worse than it has ever been, I'm certain she'd had a stroke, her episodes are so bad and she's afraid she will have one and won't wake up. My Dad is exhausted. Everyone is sure they can get some kind of help be it disability or medical help but every time my Dad does the paperwork, he makes too much on paper. I want to help, they won't really let me. Dad always has to work every time I am down there so I hardly get to spend time with him. My cousin Shi-chan is almost a shut in, her anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want to get into the drama of the rest of her family. I always leave a little more heartbroken and frustrated, defeated than when I arrived. But I still find my time with the people I love a treasure. 

As for the rest of it. We've been planning public community Sabbats with some friends, we joined a coven, are on the board and organizing Northwest Pagan Fest. Selene is still doing her Magickal Moot. I started doing my Pagans with disabilities support group again. I'm making stuff for my shop and vending every so often at public events. I will be at the Fairy Fiesta this coming weekend, Northwest Pagan Fest, and Witch's Night Out. Somehow we have managed to do some 'for the house' shopping to help us get better organized upstairs. The main level is next. Kat is working on the basement. We've watched some anime, tried some new places in town to eat at, played some D&D, and I have had a whole bunch of bad days intermixed from fibro flares, depression and anxiety, and being heat sick or exhausted. 

And I am not done. I've been looking at doing a podcast as well as a twitch channel. I thought about being a Vtuber, because it looks like a lot of fun and learning the set up to do looks fun too. Plus I really miss gaming.  The podcast is mostly just for fun, but hey, if it turns out to be even marginally successful, that's a bonus. 

AND I must be a masochist because I'm gearing up to really start writing again. I haven't been, not really. But last night I took 14 little notepad pages of notes for a short story I've wanted to turn into a book. Other stories I have let sit are flaring up again, and I'm just tired of wanting a thing and being too scared to do it. I'm sure, like with everything with me, it will be a slow crawl. But baby steps are better than no steps. 

Oh and lastly, I joined the Conqueror Challenges- The Lord of the Rings Shire one. I even ditched my old knock off fitbit for a real one. the old one wasn't actually counting my steps accurately, but the fitbit does and it is actually correctly logging my sleep- at least, it's getting the hours right. I don't know what crack my old one was on. Anyway, I am half way to Bree in the Challenge and when I get there, I will sign up for the next part of the journey. I'd probably be closer to the end if I'd had a real fitbit, but meh, it's fine, just means I will get more walking steps in. 

Well, I have written a small novel, probably riddled with grammatical and spelling errors aplenty that I won't bother editing- because I am lazy and actually trying to stay awake. I need to go to bed. 

So, see you later. 

Maybe. 

Hopefully. 

 

 

Not Killing it in 2019

Ganked from Facebook.

I did not make resolutions, but I made semi-goals before the New Year holiday, of things I would like to work on. This might seem a little blase but I know and am used to things not turning out like I want or going as planned, so if not all of these things happen, or happen in the way in which I would like, I've decided to be okay with it. However, there are a few that simply must happen, and I'll start with my list. (Because I like lists, they are orderly) 

1. Learn more about and find extra and other ways of managing my mental illness. Yes, yes, I have depression and anxiety, but what I don't think I have mentioned is that my particular brand is borderline personality disorder (or I guess now people are calling it syndrome) couple with some PTSD, and severe Anxiety. I have started some research- thanks to Amanda going down a rabbit hole. Since going to therapy is now a point of stress for me (my therapist keeps pushing health insurance so she can charge me the full amount- which I get but we STILL can't afford health insurance at this time) I'm going to pay off my bill and not return. At this point the therapy isn't doing me any good, not if going makes me want to vomit in fear that she'll lecture me about getting health insurance. Instead, I want to try other things. My Dad said the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbook they used at the Corrections Facility for his clients is one of the better ones out there and he still has a copy and will send it to me. I mean it can't hurt. And I'm going to do some more research into it because the better I understand it, the easier it is for me to pick out what's going on and try to put the breaks on. I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to have to take medicine. I'm still going to have really bad episodes, but if I can lessen them, even a little, I'll take it. I don't want to drown in this crap anymore. 

2. My physical health has been an issue for, well ever! I was a sick a lot as a kid. While I don't get sick as much anymore, I had PCOS (although I read that even if you have a full hysterectomy, you still have it- okay), a herniated disk in my lower back, and fibromyalgia. The fibro has been really bad lately. The fatigue part especially is kicking my ass. The minute I get comfortable, I am asleep and its getting beyond ridiculous and no, I don't have narcolepsy, yes, I get enough sleep. Worse, it's like I spend most of the day fighting sleep, trying to wake up. Also, I really don't feel like me anymore. I truly hate my body and have a disconnect with it. I know half of the weight issue is mine, I ate food, but the other half is genetics, medications that cause weight gain, and the pain from my back and fibro making me more sedentary than I want to be. I've already cut my food portions down, am drinking even more water, and have been trying to eat tiny, healthy snacks between small meals. We've also gotten a membership to Planet Fitness and are starting Taiko Drumming.  I have to get away from being so angry with my body for betraying me and not working right. I have to get away from wanting to punish it with my fists when things get really bad. I have to get away from wanting to take matters into my own hands and deal with it all myself. None of that is healthy. Not of this is my fault, but it is up to me to fix it.

3. I NEED to write at least the first draft of a novel this year. I can't let people make me feel bad about it either, tell me I am obsessed, that I need to find balance between writing and everything else, or whatever! Hearing offhanded or on handed comments like that has done nothing but make me question if I should even keep writing, made me feel like a shitty friend and wife, and I'm done. Sorry, can't cater other people as much I used to. Last year was depression and grief year, this year is take care of me year and everyone else can suck it. Sure, I'll still come out and play, there's a lot I want to do, but I'm not going to take anyone's shit for having my joy. If they don't want to hear about it, fine, but I'm not going to let them continue to drag me down for one of the few things that bring me real happiness and then bitch at me for not utilizing my talents. 

4. 20 books read in a year. That's going to happen again. Last year I barely got through one book and it was almost painful. I didn't even really finish it and I'm not entirely sure where it is. The story was good, I just couldn't seem to get through it. So, I started with a book my friend Chris gave me. It was a rocky start and I've put it down in favor of doing other things for a couple of days, but I'm hoping to finish it soon and move on to others. 

5. The Great Purge! I've heard of Marie Kondo's KonMari method and have even watched a couple of episodes of her show on Netflix. She is an adorable Japanese woman and I like her ideas, but not all of that is going to work. Still, being or showing gratitude to the things you've used or that have served you is really beautiful, in my opinion, and I am so ready to downsize. We have already gone through our clothing and are thinking of going through it again. We have stuff out in the garage and stuff in the house to go through and I'm ready to be done with a good portion of it. Let it go make someone else happy. And no, books are not on this list. There might be a few I will part with, but I am keeping most of them.   

6. Do stuff I want to do. I tend to wait around to see what Amanda wants to do, or I change or discard what I want to fit the wants and needs of Amanda and friends. That's okay, just not all the time. So, I'm going to do more stuff I like and want to do, within reason of course. Good thing my wants are simple and few, and I don't mind waiting if I need to.  

7. Working on my spiritual path and growth. Not gonna get into that much here. There are some things that are still bothering me and while I working on figuring out what to do with them and or come to terms with them, I'm going to press forward and spend time learning and exploring, and maybe along the way, the stuff that's bothering me will resolve. 

So far we're fifteen days into January and I'm getting a very slow start. I spent the beginning of the month recovering from the holidays. But I did manage to get some things not mentioned started and organized. We are slowly getting the house back in order and will be continuing our purge. I've started reading, as I said, and Amanda and I are reading a nightly gratitude's book. The writing is slow going. I am still doing a written RP with cousin Kat and recently I found all my flash drives. I've already gone through my computer and one of the flash drives to find what I need for the novel I want to work on and finish. I would like to finish up the world preliminary word building and character bios, and have some ideas of where I would like to head with the story and get at least one page written by the end of the week. That's not a lot, but it is a start. 

We have started going to Planet fitness and Taiko drumming as well. I have to take a time out to recover from the activities after, but whatever. And I have managed to a thing or two that I have wanted.     

Update: Why I haven't been blogging much, if at all this year, and some review.

This year has been one of change, grief, suffocation, adjustment and recuperation, and pain with little moments of quiet and dots of happiness. A lot has happened and I've wanted to share or blog about many things, even saved the pictures from, but I couldn't and barely managed the few posts I did. I'm going to try and break it down in smaller sections so I'm not all over the place. 

House: We came into the year, thankfully, with a home of our own. Being evicted from our apartment when we hadn't done anything wrong and the way in which it was was done, really messed me up. We were blessed enough to have been approved for a home loan and a couple months of couch surfing later, find our house. Since moving in, we've had little hiccups with the house itself. We had to get a new stove, we have only one bathroom, I've had trouble establishing boundaries, and the summer was especially hard since we were living in the living room. We don't have central air conditioning or a unit for our room yet.  Some friends offered to get us one to help me keep my sanity, but feeling so low I just couldn't take them up on it. It also didn't feel right for them to fix problems we needed to fix on our own. Recently, now that it is much cooler and winter, we have moved back into our bedroom upstairs and have finally gotten the house just about in order. We've begun the downsizing we hadn't been able to do before moving in. 

Family: I've been struggling with forgiving my parents. I think I have forgiven and understand all the reasons why they didn't come to my wedding, but the fact of the matter is, what they did hurt me in such a way I don't know if I will ever truly heal from. Sometimes I am furious, sometimes I can't fathom why what they did hurts so much, or how to even explain it to friends. But how do you explain growing up idolizing your parents and grandparents no matter what? How do you impart that your parents were and still are two of your best friends? Or even that your Grandparents are too? Or that family means more to you than you can explain?

Then of course, my Grandpa died during the summer and I go up and down with that all the time and will for awhile. 

My Aunt Laura, my mom's twin, is- hell I don't know what she is trying to do, but she's taking us all on an up and down ride. 

My cousin Tony found my Mom's lost older sister, Debra. That was exciting and she is so nice and sane. But her husband has cancer and so does she, which is upsetting. 

I did get to reconnect with my cousin Crystal this year, which has been good. My cousin Dashiel is still a shit head.

Friends: My in-person friends have kind of let me down and frustrated me a lot this year. Some have made me feel pretty awful. I'm sure I've done the same. I kind of became even more of a hermit this year, but some of that is health related. In the last few months, I've kind of reached a soft breaking point and had a bit too much. I've had to be much firmer than I would have liked with some friends and told one that the way she was treating me was not okay. And, it has become vividly clear that I simply do not think in the same manner as everyone else. Twice, when things have been so utterly horrible, I've let people know I was drowning in my depression and that I didn't know what to do. 

1. It is extremely difficult for me to put that out there and if I am telling someone that, it is because I'm in so deep I don't know if I am going to be able to climb out on my own. That is a call for help. It is not that I am too proud to ask for help. It is that I've spent years believing that I didn't deserve it and had to fix things on my own. 

2. Telling me you love me and you're there if I need you, tell you what I need, doesn't actually help. It was a struggle for me to tell you how bad its gotten, chances are I can't put into words or even know what I need, other than for someone to keep me talking or come sit with me. And this is where I think I think differently, because if one of my friends told me they were in this position, I wouldn't have to ask them what they needed, I would talk to them or go to them. But, that's just me. 

3. The last thing I need is the brush off or a lecture about everything I am doing wrong or to be told what you think I should be doing, especially when you won't do these things for yourself. 

Body/health: At the end of the day, I find myself sometimes quoting Leto Atreties II from the movie Children of Dune, "my skin is not my own". Of course I'm not about to turn into some giant sand worm that produces the spice the universe runs on, but the feeling of feeling like my body belongs to me or feels like its right, is the same concept. In fact, I feel like mine has betrayed me in major ways. I described to my therapist that it feel like I'm stuck or trapped in something I can't tear off. It feels like I'm under or surrounded by something foreign and if I could get rid of it, things would feel more like me. I know part of that is the weight. Which has been a struggle in and of itself. The rest is depression, fibro, the hysterectomy, and my back. As much as I desperately needed that hysterectomy and was begging to have it done, that was still a big part of me and suddenly I don't quite feel right any more. I don't feel so much like a girl and I actually really wanted kids of my own, even though I knew I couldn't. Having that finalized, IS VERY hard. I feel like I somehow failed even though no one blames me. And I go up and down with that too. And in the last year the fibro and my back have gotten worse, which doesn't help. And my level of energy has dropped dramatically. Some days I truly struggle to get even the simplest things accomplished.   

Therapist: I really like my therapist and I think she is a good fit for me, but she's kind of screwed me over a couple of ways. First was with the insurance. I could have had health insurance this whole year had she told me she was going to stop taking what I had and that I should find another insurance provider. True the company I had seemed to be doing some shady things. So I switched, but in doing so, we had to update some financial information and that made it so instead of free insurance, we had to come up with deductable and copays and pay for insurance every month. Which wouldn't be a big deal except that we don't have that money and were trying to figure out how to pay her bill since I had lost the free insurance. She put me on a sliding fee scale based on Amanda's income, which helped. But we had already been behind and have yet to catch up because she didn't charge me a couple of visits like she was supposed to and we didn't catch it. To make matters worse, she's been fussing at me to get health insurance just about every time I see her. What part of we can't afford it, do you not understand?! And the best part of this is, she's now going to take the insurance I was originally on! I could strangle her.
On the matter of health insurance itself, I am hoping that after a month or two, Amanda and I will be caught up on everything and can wipe some things out. I am hoping then, we can readdress the health insurance issue for the both of us. If not, that's just how it is. We are in the weird middle ground of just enough income to not qualify for free health insurance but not enough to actually afford it. But, no matter what, I know that things will work out some how- or at least enough to keep up on the most important medicines we need. Certainly dropping therapy and getting her paid off would free up more of our income for other medical needs.

The second part, is on the topic of my writing. I know she is a therapist, but I don't think she understands the writing process. She's said some things about it that made me feel like I shouldn't write. That I was spending too much time writing (which, for me is actually kind of limited since I can only sit at my desk for so long before my back starts cramping and seizing up and I have to go do something else for a while). She worried that I was escaping too much instead of being present in the real world. I can go through phases where I am a workaholic and need to see the end of something like a chapter or section of story- but that's not limited to writing, that goes for house cleaning or cooking, or craft stuff. I have used writing as a way to cope with things that are too painful in the 'real world' before. Its how I made through high school and the few years I lived at home before I moved out. I can also get a bit involved and obsessive and I know that not everyone gets it or wants to hear about what is thrilling or exciting to me or wants to be a sounding board. I recognize and understand these things and can usually catch myself in the process of them and back up. But the way in which she's addressed them made me feel so guilty and like there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't actually stay on the momentum I had last year when I rewrote and finished the novel length fanficion I had been working on. So the triumph and self proof that I could do this was so utterly dashed and stamped out that I was afraid to try. And with friends fussing about me being a little over excited or obsessive and talking about me needing to find balance between this and that, I was really scared.

It finally came to head the other night, when after months of agonizing over all this I was finally able to put it into words to Amanda. Thank the Gods she is a writer and actually understands. I am truly blessed to have her, because despite submitting two pieces of writing this year, I hadn't written anything other than fanfic and rps. But after finally being able to get all of that out and talking to her about it, I actually feel like it is okay to be this part of me again. And I don't know when or where or why there's this part of me that needs permission to do things sometimes, if it is part of my trying to please people or be considerate of what other people feel and think, what they want- or really when I started being so accommodating, or if its part of a lack of self esteem, guilt for paying more attention to what makes me happy instead of what makes other people happy, or even a combination of all of the above. All I do know is that I have enough trouble fighting with fibro fog, fibro pain, exhaustion, and back pain, and lack of confidence, that I don't need anything else piled on. Further if my therapist and my friends can't accept or put up with my excitement and joy and be supportive, then maybe its not me, it's them who are in the wrong and maybe they don't get the privilege of taking that ride with me or celebrating any accomplishments with me along the way. Thanks for making me feel less than or crazier than I already do.

Finally: I really have been just exhausted. I've been too tired to keep up with much of anything and have had to tell Amanda that the rate of comapny- the one that come all the time- needs to slow the hell down because I never get a weekend along with her when she is off work, and I almost never see the people who don't constantly ask or just show up with little or no notice. Her parents are taxing and with all my stuff going on on top it, I'm crankier, have less patience, and just can't. Which of course affects her in that she wants to go out and do things but I don't have the energy. In fact if I even settle down on the sofa 9 times out of 10, I fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down and faster if I have to the heating pad for my back. I feel as though I am running on borrowed fumes most of the time. It both frustrates me and makes me cry. I'm only 34. If  things are this bad now, whats it going to be like when I'm 40 or 50?

So there you have it. Some of it is broken record but I've said it many times, this is my venting ground. People don't just get over things and move on. It takes time to process things properly and when dealing with grief or loss, it can take even longer- especially if you stuff shit.      

  

Belated Haunted Hump Day.

I'm a bit late on the Haunted Hump day fun this week and missed last week entirely. But I haven't been feeling good and have been a bit busy. That's my excuse and I am sticking to it. 

I made this sun catcher thing for a friend for her birthday. It's in my coffin tray for the photo op, and in hindsight, I should have painted the wood black, but she liked it all the same. It seemed to fit with the Goddesses she's been drawn to lately and somehow when I was making it, I knew it had to go to her. I know it's not really a Halloween Craft per se, but the feel of it, to me, fits for this month.

 October 13th was Amanda and my 1st year anniversary of being married. We've been together for 11 years now. Anyway, the Twins, Bethy and Ashlee, like going to Scarrywood an wanted us to go with them, so they bought our tickets as a present. They certainly didn't have to do that, but we did appreciate it.

So Scarrywood, for those who aren't familiar with our area of the world, is where Silverwood Theme park flips itself into a giant haunted theme park every year. They run some rides, not all, have scare zones, and several themed haunted houses. The scare zones are open and you pass through them to get to the other stuff. There was Clown Town- which is my least favorite-, a spider section, The Doll's house- which was my favorite-, a chainsaw guy, a scarecrow corn maze-ish area, and a lot of actors walking around spooking people.  

Of the themed Haunted houses I went to, there was Blood Bayou, which is a hillbilly, Southern swampy, cannibal theme. I had trouble with the uneven ground in that one, and cannibals aren't really my thing, but the detail in that haunt is really beautiful. I just wish we didn't have to be pushed through so fast. I would have liked to stay in some portions to admire the work they'd put into it. But when you have a long line of people behind you, you move. 

The second haunt I went to was Pharaoh's Tomb. This one was a new haunt for the park and I guess some people think it needed some more work. I, on the other hand, really enjoyed it. The detail on this one was lovely and again, I would have liked to stay and look at the work done in more depth. 

I went to the magic show, Dillusion, put on by Nick and Amanda Norton. I always see their magic show when I go to Silverwood, and this year they were doing a Halloween one. I loved it, as usual!

This is the Doll's House Scare Zone.

One of the creepy dolls stopping a person. She began jumping as I was taking the photo. They liked stepping in people's way to stare at them and when people would try to move around them, the dolls would step with them, blocking their path. It was so much fun to watch them. One guy saw them said  "Fuck no!" and took off like a track star. One of the dolls chased after him just as fast and I laughed my ass off. There was even an Andy doll from Raggidy Ann and Andy, but he had a messed up face. He was also dragging a metal chair around which was a bit obnoxious. He got me twice. LOL! I was sitting while my wife and friends went to ride rollercoasters or visit haunted houses I didn't want to go through. (I had to rest because my back was being an asshat.) He would come out of my field of vision when I wasn't paying attention, sneaky fucker. 

This is a photo op we got with the dolls. Amanda's taking the picture and managed to only get half of me, there on the far right, the girl on the left is Ashlee and the right next to me is Bethy. 

On the home front, we have been super tired this week. I think I've slept more than I have been awake. Amanda and I have been taking it semi easy by watching netflix in the evenings. Last night I began The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell. I freaking love it! I saw, somewhere, that someone mentioned her being the Martha Stewart Goth people. Or something close to that. She totally is! And her house mates crack me up. Which was so very needed last night. My depression monster has been dragging me back down, horribly down, this week. Laughing felt so good. 

Earlier in the week Amanda and I watched The Haunting of Hill House with our friend Bethy. She lives about a hour and half away from us, so we call her and cue up netflix in time with hers and that's how we watch movies with her. We've done that with Cousin Kat, who live across the country from us a time or two as well. Anyway, we pretty much binged this show over three nights. We all really liked it. It was so creepy and fun. Definitely worth a watch.

On a trip to Ross to look at Halloween stuff, Amanda bought me a cup. I will share it of course. She also got me towels for the kitchen that say "I love you to the tomb and back", which fit us more than my kitchen at the moment, but I still loved them. When I was still working at my friend's bakery, I'd bought her a skull spoon rest. When my depression gets super bad or I have a bad fibro flare, she's been stepping in to cook, so I thought she'd like it. 

We finished the entertainment center I think two weeks ago and I found our Halloween decor from the garage. I managed to hurt myself when trying to pick up one of the tubs, it was caught on something and ugh, it was bad. But, I got both tubs in and I didn't even put everything we have out. Some of stuff isn't Halloween decor, but our normal decor, and I would show more, but the house is a little messy with laundry I've folded an some art supplies. Amanda got a little candle happy, but I like it, so it's okay, they are just hiding a couple of things. The cats like it too. They like jumping up behind stuff to look out the window.

I've one a little with the little mantle over our fireplace. We'd planned to finish the painting and do touch ups, but we just didn't get to it this year. We'll work on it soon and I have plans to build a fireplace mantle and facing. That little one just doesn't do it for me. 

I put some dollar tree puple led lights in the alcove and while this is blurry as hell, I really like the result.

I've also added some around the living room and really liked how they look on this wall shelf- which you will better see in moment.

This was the shelf before we figured out what we wanted on it. Batlas stayed of course, its the safest place for him. Also, Amanda and I took all the pictures and art we had with us to a thrift store and found frames there. Gold was not an accent we were planning on having, but I really loved the amount of vintage/antique-ish frames they had and just went with it! Some frames we got were black or we painted them black. A couple of pieces I made, like the key one and butterfly one.. that you can't really see.

Of course this was all done before we got our sofa back, but that's the current layout. I want to make a couple little things to put in, but too much more will be, well, too much.

Well, there you have it. 

Someday, I will do a proper house tour so you can see it seamlessly.

So much and I think I am back

Takashi Shirogane Art by Clandestineknight

I'm back, I think, I hope. I've had a major spell of depression, bad enough that Amanda was talking about taking me to the hospital. I've stuffed enough crap for so long that I couldn't stuff any more and my lid popped. Without going into  too much detail, a lot of the stuff dragging me down was grief, loss, health, living situation, spiritual situation, friend and family situations, so, yeah everything really, but those primarily. Summer was miserable, in a word. 

But its fall now and I'm looking forward to the season. 

While we didn't do too much for the summer, we did go to Kuro Neko Con- which will be a post on its own and we had a visitor from Boston, again, another post on it's own. I didn't craft much and really only have one project to show. However, today, Amanda and I are working on the living room since she had the day off. We were going to try and finally do paint touch ups and paint and install the chair railing but we just don't feel up to it and it can wait another week or so. 

Oh we are missing a sofa. Our sofa was damaged during our move and we dealt with it a long time before the company finally came to pick it up for repair. But I am very ready for it to come home. My office chair is okay, but sometimes my back needs a break. 

I am writing again, everyday. I started work on a novel but got horribly discouraged. So, I've been doing some written rps with Amanda and her cousin Kat. I also started a fanfiction for Voltron. Its been fun but I am feeling a little more confident and am ready to get back to the novel. Also, my Aunt Debra wants a story to read when she's moved into her new house, so I'm going to find something I've already written, that's short, to send her. I don't have tons of time to work on something new aside from the novel, not with the rps, the fanfic, working on the house, and also...

I am helping some friends with their bakery! I'm making cakepops two to three times a week to help with a big order they have that's due soon. It's been a lot of fun and one of the girls is trying to get me hired on. It's just a tricky situation because they can't pay themselves yet. But one of them is like 'if we have you, we can take more orders and make more money'. Whatever happens, happens. Either way, I am enjoying my time there and when I need to get up and move, I can. When I get overwhelmed or panicky, I can take a break, so it is working out.   

Busy, first time in a long time, and friend and family problems.

There were so many pine needles! I raked the crap out of them for spring clean up... and then deeply regretted it that evening and for the next few days. Amanda helped, but she did most of the stone laying and some of the mulch work. Her mom did some too. 

After an unintended hiatus, I think I am back, at least for the foreseeable future. Today is the first day in over a month that I have actually opened my laptop and did anything on it. I've had it in my bedroom, the living room, and in the office with the intent of getting online to read blogs, check e-mail, and look up supplies for home improvement and decoration projects. Only I never did and for a number of reasons. 

The chief reason was that we were intermittently busy. On weekends we had shopping days, food prep hours, and had some company. We also had a couple of events. During the week, when I felt up to it, I was cleaning and watching anime and or TV shows on Hulu. 

The second reason was that my depression monster had been raging almost with a vengeance. With the drop in pain management from the one medication made the pain from flare ups higher and more intense, and more debilitating, which in turn made things harder emotionally and mentally. To top it off my Mom threw some stuff at me one day that was upsetting and then a couple of days later, before I'd had a chance to really explain my concerns and feelings about it to her, she called for a third time to let me know that her identical twin, my Aunt Laura, was in the hospital with renal failure. She wanted to let me know that if it came to it, that she would donate a kidney to her sister and wanted to know my opinion on the matter. As much as I don't like this Aunt most of the time, I don't want her to die. Further, I told my Mom that it doesn't matter what my opinion on her donating is, its her body and her sister, and I would never tell her what she could/should or couldn't/shouldn't do. That is her decision. Well, after getting off the phone with her and then processing everything, I got a little pissed and very worried. And then with those two matters plus the pain, some other things, and already raging depression, I fell into a horrible downward spiral. Things were so bad that Amanda literally said "you're drowning in this and I don't know what to do". 

But then, they got even worse. I had a horrible day one day, called Amanda at work, broke down and took a whole nerve pill at her insistence. I have been avoiding taking that med because I know it is addictive and I don't want it to become a crutch. I wanted to learn to work through and deal with stuff on my own. She also wanted to me to call a friend and see if someone could come over or if I could ask her parents to come up and sit with me. That's so much easier said than done. I have such a hard time asking for help. It takes so much to for me to tell people certain things. Surface stuff is easy. Occasionally I vent here and sometimes I vent a little to friends, but I know that people have their own problems and while I know my friends might want to help, I feel so guilty about adding to their stress. Even when I am internally screaming and hurting while giving a friend a hug, the guilt is so stifling, I just say, I'm fine or okay.

  Anyway, the medicine evened me out. For a few hours but then by the time we'd returned home from out D&D game, I was exhausted and the medicine had worn off and I was quite frankly just done. I told Amanda I was tried of fighting the fibro, the depression, the low back pain, my weight, my family, sometimes my friends, and just everything. She wanted to know if she should take me to the hospital and I told her I didn't know. Instead, she cuddled me and helped me get ready for bed. 

A day or so later, I can't really remember, we went to a friend's. I wasn't feeling that great, but I was trying and had decided to leave all my upsets at home and try to enjoy the day. Things were going well and then a friend asked me a couple of hours in, how I was doing. The moment I opened my mouth to reply said friend turned their head away and began talking to someone else. Amanda was just as surprised and almost as upset as I was and she took my hand. I think if she hadn't been there and we hadn't car pooled, I would have left. That is the very thing that reinforces and cements the core belief that I'm not worth anything and don't matter. Somehow, I shoved all that down and made it through the rest of the night. But it is still bothering me. A lot of things are. 

However, I have since seen my therapist. She gave me a back up person in her office to call if I can't get a hold of her and we talked about some other things. Its a work in progress.  I also called and spoke to my Dad for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things and after I felt loads better. He also was a bit frustrated with my Mom and assured me that no doctor would consent to my mom donating a kidney with her health the way it is (which I figured and others thought also) but that Aunt Laura isn't even eligible because she has M.S. So while that's upsetting in and of itself, the somewhat selfish silver lining is that I won't have the possibility of losing my Mom due to this instance. 

On to cooler stuff!

Meet Yukiko, our Japanese Snowblossom tree. We've been working on our front and back yards as well as the inside of the house. I will share the inside of the house when it is more cohesive, we're almost there but not quite. So back to the front and back yards. 

This is our strawberry patch. Amanda built the raised garden bed herself and planted the marigolds n the corners. She has since added a pot in the middle with a lily. She's also going to build one or two more of the raised bed for our veggies and I am going to take one of the house doors we found in the garage and make an herb wall. 

This is the majority view of the back yard. I'm not sure what we're doing with the large metal beds, that part of the yard doesn't get sun. So shady place flowers until I can make my meditation spot? Along the fence we're planting some flowers and some vegetables. The gravel part will be raked clean, weeds killed, and will eventually have flagstone or concrete pavers laid to make a patio. 

This is the other part of the back yard. You can't see the drive way and raised garden bed, they were behind me. What you can see is the garage and the small gated section behind it. We are thinking about clearing out that area behind the garage for pumpkins. We don't know if the small deck was supposed to become part of a larger project, but we might break that apart to and use the wood to build something else. I've decorated the side of the garage with wind chimes, and couple of bird feeders, and some yard decor from the Dollar Tree and what we had left over from our apartment. 

Amanda bought me this fairy solar light and I picked up the Peter Rabbit watering can from a Thrift store. I planted some daisy seeds in it. I have a couple of other pots I've planted some pansies in, but I need to get more pots or take some more of the yard for flowers. 

Lastly, I leave you with the kitties. Miss Narcisa took over my spot in the bed one night and presided over it like the head of the Black Cat Yakuza she is.

And here is Thorin, lazing atop the cat tree in the sunlight, leaning against the window frame. This is also a tiny teaser for my living room. Amanda calls my design scheme for the room "elegant nightmare". I just hope the end result lives up to it. So far there's a little elegance and a few somewhat creepy yet beautiful pictures. 

Coming soon... Craft projects.

The antics of cats, small breakdown, and it really will take a few months

This morning I am cold, tired, and ache all over, but I've been up since 4:48 am and been semi productive. I've made coffee, had breakfast, and started working on school stuff. And, I've even given the cats a morning treat. Narcisa was so pleased with me she brought me her blue mouse toy. That's her baby. It has been lost for awhile but it appeared in our bedroom last night. I am taking that as progress that she's beginning to relax a little. She's been a bit wigged out since before our wedding and the new house has a lot of new sounds she's not used to. And, she's been moved twice, so I think she's a little worried this isn't home yet. But her ottoman is here, her kitty tree is here, and some of other furniture and items are slowly making it into the house. 

Thorin took to the house just fine and was playing with toys as soon as we put the paper Torrid bag we were keeping them in, out. He's pretty good about going to the bag, finding what he wants, playing with it, and promptly losing it under the sofa. He has his favorites, of course, and lately, he's bee bringing me a small orange puff ball around 1 am. It doesn't matter if I am asleep, he will paw at me to wake me up and then he drops his little puff ball in my hand or on the pillow next to me and wait for me to throw it. In other words, my cat plays fetch and does so better than most dogs I have met. However, last night I threw the ball and it went behind the bedroom door. Narcisa saw where it went and went after it, and then I think she hid it because I couldn't find it for him this morning and he wasn't able to find it last night. But at 4:48 this morning there was a blue puff ball on the pillow next to my head, so he must have given up and gone after the other one in the toy bag. 

Back to things slowly coming in to the house. We're going to have to have a garage sale... Unless I say screw it and just donate everything. Amanda's going to go through some records, we've been going through some manga and books- yeah, I said books, there are some I don't figure I will ever read again or haven't read and probably won't. I need to go through some cds. We've got some kitchen ware I need to go through, clothing, and other assorted sundries. Meanwhile...

I have been keep a look out at thrift stores for Avon's 1870 Cape Cod ruby dish set. So far I have the serving bowl and the little cream pitcher. I think they are beautiful! Actually, now that I think of it, I have been collecting these too,

I have four of the glasses and two of the dessert glasses from this particular line. No, wit, I have three glasses because a friend broke one when washing it when I had surgery last year. She was so upset, but it's just a glass and I am sure I can find another. What matters was that she wasn't hurt. 

I've also decided that my house is not going to be clean- not in the way I would like- until we are done moving stuff in and going through it, which is frustrating and takes a toll on me emotionally. But hey, I found my fucking tea kettle, so at least I can drink tea while I stare overwhelmed at the mess. 

On a final note, while we were pulling things out of the garage yesterday, I was looking through some scrabooking paper boxes for a certain paper book for a project I want to do, when I came across the book I got specifically for our wedding. Instantly I crumbled in a tear filled meltdown over the fact that I have very little photos from my wedding and those that I do have aren't very good, my parents were there and that still hurts, and Amanda's trying to make up for everything we didn't get to do at our wedding this summer, with a Black Moon Ball- which I will talk about later. And of course it didn't just stop there, my brain quite happily lept right off that cliff and went down an awful spiral. To be honest, I have suspected this was going to happen. I don't even think that twenty minutes sobbing in the garage was the full episode, I think that might have just been the precursor. I would rather that was all and that I was done with it and moving on, but if it isn't, well, it is what it is. I'll deal with it like I always do.