Feeling like crap, affirmations, found things

In the comments of my last post, I mentioned to a friend that I would post a couple of the affirmations that I have on some manifestation boards in my house. I went on an affirmation seeking excursion on pinterest several months ago and only saved the ones that I really liked- or rather the ones I felt I needed most or that felt like me. I saved a couple of writer's quotes too. Anyway, the above affirmation is kind reminding me that I don't need permission to do what I need or want.

I love Lily Munster and I felt this was really great for how hesitant I've been about dressing and doing make up the way I've wanted to for years. It's weird, I don't give a shit about what the general public thinks, but my Grandparents and parents, their opinions hit me harder than anyone else's. Took me getting to age 33 to say fuck it and come out of the Belfry completely. 

Damn straight! I love this one! Its bad ass and speaks to the side of me that says "fuck with me and I will end you". Yes, I do have a side like that and no, I don't let it show very often. Mostly because I've been a people pleaser all my life. Hence why it took until age 33 to really come out as goth. 

Moving on to a few author's quotes: 

"True Alchemist do not change lead into gold; they change world into words" ~ William H. Gass

"You only fail if you stop writing" ~ Ray Bradbury

"Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass" ~Anton Chekhov

Do these work? For me, I think they do. Whether or not I am putting on make up at my dressing table or working on something at my desk (the two locations that I have these boards) I've seeing something positive that I want to bring into my life or inspire certain elements within me. It;s not a 100% fool proof thing, but I think about 75% of the time they do help and I will take that.

For the last week or so I've been pretty worried about not being able to find some world building notes for a novel I've only sort of started. I keep rewriting the first chapter because I'm not sure where I want to go with it. The truth is, I don't know my characters as well as I would like. They didn't come fully formed, per se. So I am going to use some worksheets I found online to help develop them- again, I found them on pinterest. Anyway, I spent some time in the other room looking and found them!!! They are a disorganized mess. I'm going to have to rewrite them and then transfer them to a word document. Then I'm going to make a reference guide for the story and see how that works for me in as far as plotting and keeping everything together. In other words, I am going to see if putting in extra effort to be organized instead of having chaos all the time, will help me accomplish the damned novel.

I have felt like crap the last couple of days. The depression monster is really kicking my ass again. It also doesn't help that I awoke in pain again this morning and on top of that, Narcisa decided that it was time to bug the shit out of me. She was knock things over on my nightstand, trying to eat my hair, trying to lick me, and would not stop. And if that wasn't enough, Amanda kept slipping her hands under me and pushing me toward the edge of the bed. She almost pushed me off a time or two. I kept waking her up to tell her to stop and the minute she was asleep, she'd shove her hands under me again. One, it hurt and two, it was pissing me off. And then she got really snippy with me for being pissed at her. I just wanted to be left alone to sleep! Of course, Amanda found it funny when she I told her about it later. I didn't. After I took her to work this afternoon, I ended up on the sofa with the heating pad to try and soothe my body. I also took two Naproxen Sodium to take the edge off. I have got to get a handle on this pain. I need to be able to move!   

Pulling back, pretty stickers, Evil Supply Co., and the sky makes me happy.

Evil Supply co.

Because the political scene is so infuriating and I'm already having a horrible day physically, I decided to pull away from that and focus on happier things.  But first...

Revenge period update: I'm filling pads every half hour. I'm tired as hell. I've had enough of a shower to try to clean myself up and I'm not sure that it did much good because I barely got a towel between my legs to catch the blood while I tried to dry off and get dressed again. I now have to clean the bathtub and toilet and the bathroom floor, and there's another load of laundry to do.  I have taken 4 Advil to help with pain and in the hopes that it will help slow the bleeding down. My friend Chris is coming at 2 this afternoon to hang out with me. She was coming for dinner anyway, but I asked her to come early just in case I pass out or need to go to the hospital. Not that I want to go, I know they won't do anything for me. I'm just supposed to bleed to death and shut up about it. Sorry, that was incredibly negative.

The sky is overcast today and if I wasn't running about in a night gown, I would open the curtains to enjoy it more. Still, it makes me so happy. Overcast days are beautiful to me. 

The above picture is from a stationary and paper supply company I stumbled upon. I love them! Evil Supply Co. has the cutest, fun, gothy stationary, strikers, patches, and notebooks. They are pretty affordable as well. I ordered a couple of notebooks for friends for Xmas and a couple for Amanda and I. When placing that order, I ordered the one time mystery box. It came yesterday and I love everything that came inside. We received 4 stickers, their little themed news paper, two notebooks, a patch, a card and envelope, and an art print. 

Last night was a printing night for me. Amanda bought me sticker paper for Yule/Xmas and printer ink. A friend turned me on to printing affirmations on sticker paper (well, she used vinyl paper) and I really liked that idea. I already got the paper for planner stickers anyway, so why not? Now, I already printed some affirmations out a couple of weeks ago, but last night I did a few more for a specific purpose. I'm making manifestation boards/ posters for above my desk here are just a few. 

I love Lily Munster

 

I also printed out a few Voltron pics for Amanda to put in her journal, like this one, with Shiro, because he is my favorite. 

I need to do a little more printing today, I have some planner stickers that I accidentally printed on the wrong side of the paper last time, and I found a couple ore free ones on pinterest. That is if I don't fall asleep first.

I am trying to stay seated at my desk and trying to write little things such as this blog, in the hopes that I don't just sleep all day from this period crap. I kind of want to be able to get up and go to the bathroom instead of waking up to a mess, if that makes sense. 

But aside from all of that, I put together a list of crafts that I would like to do this spring and hopefully I can showcase those as they are finished. They kind of have to be easy, quick, and inexpensive crafts because we are trying to get things together for our wedding in October. 

Blur, planner stuff, shit not together, kitty and the vet.

For Yule/Christmas, Amanda bought me sticker paper I can run through the printer. Yesterday morning, after I took her to work, I put the new ink cartridges in our printer and set out to print several affirmations that I really liked and had been saving. The above picture is just one of them. Affirmations, I'm finding out, only work if you say them regularly and actually try to believe them. When you don't feel up to much of anything, you fall short and they have lackluster meaning. 

Prior to Yule/ Christmas my Grandparents had sent some money as part of their gift to us and I used a little to purchase some planner sticker files from various sellers on Etsy. These are not all that I bought, just a few. I did pick up a couple of Halloween themed sets, a cat set in the color green, a winter set, and a mermaid set. What can I say, I'm an eclectic mess. 

pixielandfarm

TinyRelics

PrettyPlanningCo

ilove2print

I feel the urgency of this affirmation surging throughout, but the for life of me, I cannot seem to make myself do anything. Lethargy has taken hold. The last couple of days have been a down right blur between sleep and wakefulness. I've taken Narcisa to the vet (she is okay), Amanda to work, gone to the doctor, to therapy, to the store, run errands, and tried and failed to at least get my kitchen clean. Point of fact, ever since Halloween, we haven't been able to keep the house as clean as I would like. I can't seem to find things, or even stay motivated. I go through periods like this more often than naught and I'm afriad it's only going to get worse. My gynecologist prescribed me progesterone to hopefully shut my period off for a a few days and when I stop taking it I will have a "revenge" period as Amanda called it. After which time, he needs to go in and do a pap to make sure I don't have cancerous cells. We're moving toward a hysterectomy, thank the Gods! My blood work screams anemia and as soon as my uterus is out, that will begin to fix itself. I almost can't wait to have more energy again. 

Speaking of blood work, my previous primary care physician was absolutely sure- just by looking at me- that I am diabetic. You know because I am fat. She also wanted to sell me supplements that I couldn't afford- because she could make money- claiming they were non GMO and 100% organic. Well, my blood work would have been a huge disappointment to her. In fact, when I got my lab results back and saw my A1C, I had Amanda call her parents, who are both diabetic, and check to see what is good and what is considered diabetic. I'm not, not even close! But like I said before, I am very anemic. My new primary care physician prescribed a multivitamin with iron in it. 

Aside from that I have been sleeping a lot. Slept most of yesterday and all of last night. It doesn't help that I have a cute little orange kitten who likes to curl up on my chest. He is warm and soft. Thorin is curled up next to my feet at the moment, under the blanket. I'm starting to fade again, so I will end here and take my nap. I've stopped fighting against the sleep monster and hopefully soon, I won't have to, at least not for these reasons.