Back in the Inland Northwest pt. 1

After almost three weeks of near peace and quiet, I am back home where I live. Leaving Kansas was a hard thing and I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish that I could have stayed. All the pretty scenery, my own bed, and familiar material things of my current home, and even the people here can't compare to the absence of my first home in Kansas with my parents. It probably didn't help that I wasn't able to see a friend I haven't seen in years, that I was barely able to visit with my Grandparents, or that my Dad couldn't come into the airport when it was time for me to leave because he refused to cry in public. Another unhelpful aspect was that my cousins weren't doing well nor did the fact that both my parents were sick with the flu.

The good things:
One of my cousin's had surgery to get her tubes tied and also to see if she had ovarian cancer and get a cyst removed. Thankfully she doesn't have cancer nor is there any sign of it. The doctor thinks the cyst ruptured and dissolved, and her tubes have been tied. We thought she was going to be okay but it looks like she will have to get some intestines removed. Frankly, that's better than her having cancer.

I spent some time with my Grandparents, not as much as I would have liked and I am worried about my Grandma's bad feeling over going to Texas this year. I am also worried about Grandpa. He's slipped so much since being in the nursing home while Grandma's leg was broken. But he did remember me and even though he didn't talk much, he did say so himself, that me just being in the house for a few hours was very comforting. He signed his book "To my Hannah," for me and I read a little of it in the air port while waiting for my plane.

I got to see a friend from High school and talk with him for a bit. I saw Jeffery and Sandra for an evening and I was able to see Lucas and Emma three times. I spent a good deal of time with my cousins watching movies and talking.

With my parents, I played Guild Wars with my Dad, went to the Hobbit where Dad and I shamelessly made fun of my Mom in good fun. Mom slept a little through the movie and when she snored it was really funny. At home, when I wasn't feeling so well, my parents and I watched movies and random TV shows and talked about all manner of things. Apparently my Dad wants to get two tattoos and quizzed me on prices and how long things took. Well, I don't know a lot about tattoos except my limited experience and what I have heard from others. So we watched LA Ink, which Dad says he will never watch again. Also, Dad will be getting some more hours at work, which is awesome!

Kali, my parent's dog, is a little punk. She was very excited to see me when I first arrived that she did circles all over the place but do you think that damned dog would let me take a proper picture of her. Not a chance in hell. I had to sneak pictures.

There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

Thanks to my parents I was able to click my ruby red slippers and fly home (yes, back to Kansas) to visit. This is the first vacation I've had in years where I wasn't attending the funeral of a family member. Being that this is a vacation, I don't feel that I have really taken advantage of getting much 'play' time in. The reasons being that my back has been really bothering me and I caught some bug going around. While I am pretty much over the bug, my back is still bad and I have been a little overwhelmed and tired. That being said, I have had the opportunity to do a few things.

I've been to my Grandparent's house. I would like to visit with them more but Grandma didn't want sick germs and so I've stayed away so I don't make them sick. I'm hoping to get over to their house this weekend and while I am there I will visit with a friend I haven't seen in years.

I've visited with my pseudo brother Lucas and his fiance Emma. We watched the new batman move, talked about Mass Effect and how much they think I should get an Xbox or Ps3 and play it. Emma and I chatted about photography for awhile. I've also had them over for pizza at my parent's house where we watched Batman Forever on TV, talked about all manner of things, and they begged for five minutes of guilt tripping about how much they miss me and Skoora and really wish we would move back. Point being, they really fucking miss us to the point that they talk about us almost every day and even try to emulate some of our strange little sayings and quirks. It's really adorable and frankly I felt very special, wanted, and loved. It was so damn nice I almost cried.

I have also spent some time with my Cousin Sheena and her family. I've stayed over night with them three nights and even went with my Cousin Amanda when she had surgery. Good news on that front is that she doesn't have any more cysts or ovarian cancer. One night while staying with them my little cousin Kayleigh (who is soon to be five) and I watched a barbie movie and made necklaces. Kayleigh is so much fun and I've really missed her. Actually, when I came through the gate at the airport she saw me and ran up to me and gave me a big hug and she was so excited! She told me she wanted me to go to the Nifty Nut House, it's a candy and nut store here in town, and she wanted to tell me just about everything on her mind. She also wanted to know why Skoora wasn't with me and wanted to know when Skoora was coming home.

Aside from that I've been spending some time with my parents. I curled up at the foot of my parent's bed with their dog, Kali, and watched Captain America  and the Avengers one night. We tried to watch Red after that but my parents fell asleep midway through and I was falling asleep so I headed downstairs. Mom and I started watching Firefly together and at the moment my Dad and I are watching Van Helsing. Needless to say none of us have felt very well so conversation and movie/TV show watching has pretty much been the happening thing for us. Mom did get her new glasses. I really like them. Dad and I did play Guild Wars for a couple of hours one night but either I haven't been home or neither of us really felt like playing.

For the rest of my trip, I would like to see a couple of friends, spend some more time with family, and just relax.

Hopes for more regular updates, Cat pictures, and holiday events

Today I wasn't feeling very well so I did a search of cute cat pictures on Google and stumbled on a site that featured a story of Misao and her cat, Fukumura. It's actually a really good article and has links to the photographer's site, who just so happens to be her Granddaughter. I found the granddaughter's book on amazon and it's nestled in my wish list.

As I said over on my craft and culinary blog, we have been busy and with that, I've been a little too tired to really write and post any blogs. I am hoping to get back to more frequent postings now that things are starting to settle down a bit. We will have lots of company during the upcoming holiday weeks. We are expected to have Kitty Kat, her brother (for a night and a day), and The Dot. Doesn't seem like much but when you've already got four people in a small apartment and add more, it's a bit tight. We'll be fine though.

Well, I have a couple of other blogs to finish for the Detangled Writer's site.  

Middle of the night ramblings

A lot has happened in the near month since I have last posted. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of life and things to do and events and getting ready for the upcoming holidays.

My back has been an issue as always. I've had ups and downs with it and some days have been better than others. I've done my best to push through the pain and stay positive. There has been a lot of emotional stress not only with myself but in things outside my own personal struggles. My Grandmother broke her leg and she and my Grandpa have recently left the nursing home they were staying in while Grandma was recovering. They are home now and trying to get things back to normal with the help of my parents. Grandma recently celebrated her 85th birthday. For my part, being so far away, I can only talk to them over the phone and thanks to my Dad, I've been able to video chat with them over the computer. He sets it up for them and it's very nice to not only hear them but see them.

My Christmas present from my parents this year was an eye exam and a new pair of glasses. Hooray for being able to see without squinting! At first I wasn't sure if I liked the frames I picked out but now I really do think I like them. I simply had to get used to them. And with that I feel exceptionally spoiled. Skoora's parents gave me the money to order two pairs of jeans. They are on back order and won't be in until February but that suits me just fine. The two pairs I have can hold out until then especially since I wear my clothes until they give out completely. Also, I have friends who are spoiling me by sending/ giving gifts. Sometimes I feel out of place knowing I am getting things. It seems so strange in a way I can't really explain. I am so used to trying to make others happy or make sure everyone else has gifts during the Christmas season that I don't really stop to think that others are trying to do the same for me. Then again, and don't think that I am or have been ungrateful or that there will ever be a time where I am not grateful or very appreciative of what others do for me, but I have never really taken gifts or compliments very well. It's like I don't know what to do with myself or something. I am always so thrilled, excited, and tickled but feel like I need to do more to repay all the nice things that I sometimes forget to say thank you or stumble all over myself saying it too much. Or maybe I just express myself awkwardly.

That said, I think I startled Skoora a little when we took two ornaments off the giving tree at Wal-mart. The little girl we choose really likes Monster High. Skoora and I had picked up Monster High dolls on Black Friday for each other and since we really don't have a lot of money ourselves, I unwrapped mine and put it in the gift bag for the girl. I don't think that's really all that extraordinary considering that I know Skoora is getting me another of the Monster High dolls that I like. It kind of reminded me of when I was little and I gave the Ewok toy my parents had gotten me to the Goodwill so someone else could play with it. It's not exactly the same thing and really a 28 year old probably shouldn't be playing with dolls anyway, it's not a necessity or even practical but it is a fun thing.

I don't know maybe I am just worried about collecting too many thing that I don't have places for at the moment, things I may have to put in the garage until Skoora and I have a place of our own. I dream about a place of more permanency, literally. I want it so much and even have ideas of how I want each room to look, themes and furniture. I've made plans for plans and some how that seems a little excessive.   

I'm not sure I am making much sense. It is after 5 in the morning and I can't sleep but I am really tired. With all of that, I have been feeling kind of odd lately. I don't know whether it is the depression playing around with me or what exactly but I've been feeling kind of off about Christmas. Of course there is a lot I am dealing with as far as the holiday season goes. We have been going going going since when I can't really remember. Skoora's Mom is going to Kansas and she left me in charge of Christmas but can't seem to make up her mind about how we should handle which presents to open and when. We have every weekend filled with something. We've been scrambling around trying to get all the presents complied, made, and ordered and wrapped to be sent. I've been wrapping presents here and there. I finally finished the quilt for my Grandparents and had to have help toward the end. And I am trying to scratch out some alone time with Skoora before she leaves for her first residency at the beginning of January. There has been lots of worry on my end with all of it and I have been so tired. I've felt more drained and worn out than ever before. The back pain doesn't help but I've done all I can do to make that tolerable.

The good news is that I have probably annoyed half the librarians in the area with the amount of books I've placed holds on. I'm doing a ton of research on the Victorian period and have even tried playing with hair styles.

Okay I think that's enough for now. It's 6 am and I am finally sleepy enough to try and sleep so I think I will. 

No warning title.

I have decided that I really loathe the show chopped on the food channel.  I'm just so sick of watching it, of listening to the judges, and well all of it. And for some reason Skoora's mother just loves all the competition reality TV shows. That aside, I really wish the TV could be turned off once and in a while, for more than two minutes. I mean really, you couldn't find anything on two minutes ago, what's changed now? And for the love of the Gods, watch the TV or shut up! It's hard to handle one conversation while the TV is going much less two. More importantly can't you see that I am trying to do something. Hint, if my fingers are moving over the keys, I'm busy.

Apparently our neighbors, the ones above us, have completely ignored the letter sent out by management about noise after 10 pm. They had people over and have been stomping since 10 pm.

Things have not been going very well for me lately. My back has been really bad the last three weeks and the most comfortable place for me to sit, where I have the least amount of pain, where I can semi have a rational coherent thought is in the living room. The TV, the constant conversations, the noise from upstairs, none of that would bother me so damned much if I wasn't in pain. Also, if I didn't feel utterly overloaded. This is the part that I've been trying really hard to assuage per se.

I used to work (and or go to school), clean, do laundry, cook, run errands (sometimes for multiple people), have a little of a social life, read, and write every day and did so for several years. I was the person people went to when they needed help. I had focus, drive, and even though I suffered from depression and anxiety, I could get up the next day and do it all over again. Dare I say it I had hope as well.

Some things happened over a year ago that really screwed with me mentally and about that time my back got really bad and hasn't gotten better since. Needless to say I fell like both are and have destroyed me. I literally have to give myself a laundry list, one I keep full, to get out of bed in the morning. I cling to the little things I can do, when I am able to do them, just because they make me feel like I have some semblance of purpose.  I am unable to support myself financially, which is difficult enough. Having to have my girlfriend come in to help me take a shower, to help me get dressed, and use the bathroom is devastating and it's taking it's toll especially during NaNoWriMo month.

I have been having so much trouble trying to focus on writing, on writing much of anything really. Even e-mails have been difficult. It doesn't seem to matter what time of day I try to sit down and write, I just don't seem to be able to do much. I am so behind on the word count target it's not even funny. Sure there is time left in the month but I'm scared that I won't make it. Most people would say it's no big deal but to me it really is. I do not have much to be proud of and NaNoWriMo, completing it and being a winner is one of the only things I do have. And I feel like the ability of finishing this year is being stolen from me.

So because I can't really focus on writing and being upset about it, I haven't really done a lot of things that I would like to do which only drives me nuts. I have things that I need to get done, just small things and nothing out of the ordinary. One of my friends said that I should give myself a break. I wish I could but I really can't. I have to do things, I have to keep going, even if like most days, I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not going to school, I am unable to work, if I don't feel like I am contributing in some way, and keeping myself busy so I don't go nuts in the mean time, then the depression is so much worse.

And lastly, I am so lonely. The people I am most comfortable with, aside from Skoora who I feel terrible for venting to a lot, are the furthest away. 

Being Thankful, not just for November.

No, this is not one of my kitties, but I am hoping to feel well enough to set something like this up to do Fall pictures with my furry friends simply because I seem to only get them when they are being lazy. See Exhibit A below. 

But I'm not really writing about kitties today. No, in fact, I am writing about the latest surge of "I'm thankful for" on facebook. Granted I agree that it's good not only on a personal stance but also to tell others what you are thankful for but why only do it in the month of November? Shouldn't we be thankful for things, people, and events all the time? I know I'm not the poster child for voicing who and what I am thankful for but believe it or not there is a good deal I am thankful for. I just don't go around spouting it all the time. I show it in other ways, in my own quiet way. Not that sharing what you are thankful for is wrong or that you shouldn't do it, I just think that only doing it one month out of the year somehow lessens the value of it. If you don't agree, that's completely fine.

Exhibit A- Yoda-Chan sleeping

One thing I am not thankful for is the fact that my Mom-in-law and Dad-in-law just came home dispelling the peace and quiet I had. I got the whole run down of the day, what they bought, and now she's chattering at someone on the phone right next to me and I'm not able to really move to the other room. *sigh* On the upside, I'm happy I was able to take a shower on my own today. I know that seems so trivial but damn it, when you can barely walk from terrible back pain, being able to do things for yourself is such a blessing! 

Thanksgiving and Christmas...

Thanksgiving, I've noticed, has been getting looked over more and more over the years. It's like all the meaning has been sucked out and replaced with nothing more than a day to gorge ourselves with food. There are hardly any decorations in the stores anymore.

My family always gets together at Grandma's house for Thanksgiving. Grandma makes mashed potatoes, turkey, grave, cranberries, stuffing, mandarin orange jello, stuffing, apple and pumpkin pie, a relish tray, and homemade bread. We also like to bring cookies or other odds and ends to help complete the dinner.

We also sit around the table and visit, catch up on each other's lives (on half of the family lives in another state). After dinner we sit around and talk until we decide it's time to go home and that's the end of Thanksgiving for us. It's not much and we don't sit around talking about what we are thankful for because we do that throughout the year on our own, in our own way. Thanksgiving for my family is about just that, family.

Now on to Christmas. I know that for a lot of people Christmas is their favorite time of year. That's fine but damn it, could we keep the decorations out of the store until after Halloween? It's like Christmas is trying to take over everything. Christmas is nice and another family oriented holiday for my family, but it seems that for a lot of people its not exactly a holiday of giving but rather of sales, shopping, and receiving. It's also a pissing contest for some to see who got who a better, more expensive or expensive looking gift. Now that's just silly, it's not about how much you spend, it's the thought. And it's certainly not about proving to your friends and family that you have more money than they do in an attempt to show them up or make them feel like shit. (This is something that also occurs in my family, which is why I hate it so much.)

For my part, I try to find things for friends and family that are useful, practical, and still fun and very much 'them'. But it's kind of hard when you don't have a lot of money. So my solution to that is to make people gifts using the skills I've learned over the years. I can paint someone a nice picture, sew a quilt for someone and customize it with embroidery, or make something yummy for them to eat, and all of it I can do at home and save some money. Sure I have to go out and get the things I need but I avoid the Christmas rush, avoid all the stress from shopping, and most of my friends and family really appreciate what I make for them. Besides, sometimes gifts are better homemade.

I am also going to make some decorations for the house instead of buying a bunch of stuff.