Of backs, rain, and Kitty Cats and also Star Wars

It is blessedly raining and cold today. I am stationed on the sofa prepared to do as little as possible barring the dishes and taking a shower. Narcisa is keeping me company so to speak, in sitting in front of the patio window. We are listening to the birds, the rain, and enjoying the view. Although hers a bit more like live cat TV.  Because she gets so excited and likes to climb the screen, we have to keep the fireplace screen in front of the door. Which gives it a use all year round.

My house is a cluttered mess but for once, I just don't care. I think for me that's a sign that my depression is getting worse. There are some other indicators like not wanting to cook, not wanting to leave the house, feeling like I just don't have the energy to take a shower, and sleeping a lot (which I did yesterday). I've kind of been in a funk of sorts ever since I was sick and haven't quite come out of it. 

To go along with the funk or to make things worse, I've done something to my back again. Amanda's car is a manual or stick shift and lately trying to drive has been a bit painful in that when I move my legs to push on the petals my back gets pissy. Sometimes walking, sometimes sitting certain ways, and most certainly when I lay down in bed at night my back gives me grief. None of this makes me happy. None of this is easy or helps when I want to go do things in and out of my house. And if my back wasn't enough of a problem, now my neck is giving me shit too. I don't know what I did to it, but it feels like I can't get any relief from it either. 

So today, I say screw it. I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to sit on the sofa, drink some Golden Chai Tea with Turmeric because Turmeric is supposed to have anti-inflammation properties, finish watching Red Data Girl, and read a little. No homework today. I'm going to wait until Amanda gets home to take a shower just in case my back goes out, that way I don't fall or get stuck, unable to move. You know, that's a big part of the issue. I'm fucking 32 years old and I'm afraid to take a shower because of my stupid back locking up, going out, or whatever the hell it does. All my stupid doctors see is the damned weight and how I need to get it off. Well duh! No shit, but you can't get weight off if you can't fucking move! So instead of focusing on that, why don't you actually focus on the root of the problem so we can get to the secondary problem. Common sense folks. Common fucking sense. I can't walk if I can't move and throwing a bunch of pills that makes me so damned tired that I sleep all the time doesn't do any damned good.

On a happier note note, I think, four or five sparrows just got into what I think is a fight in the tree outside my patio. It was kind of intense and I heard a new sound from one of them, some sort of angry clicking. 

Also, I bought and Amanda and I have both seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I thought the dialogue was better in this movie than any of the others, it felt like it flowed better. I also liked the J. J. Abrams style effects. I feel it gave the Star Wars universe a fresh feel. However, I kept looking for things in the movie that I knew were cannon in the Star Wars universe that never appeared. I don't want to go into it too much because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who still hasn't seen it, but what about the Mara Jade arc? I told my Dad that while I haven't read every Star Wars book, I've know about Mara Jade since Star Wars Episode one came out and I was reading stuff on the internet about the universe. Dad said, when he gets his good computer up and running again, he has- up until that time- all the Star Wars novels on his hard drive and he will send them to me. He found free pdfs or something. I have all the Jedi Apprentice books with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn and the Episode one novel. That aside, since my initial viewing of The Force Awakens, I've seen it a few more times and am actually happy with it. Also, Chewbacca is freaking old! He's been around and at least an adult Wookiee since Anakin Skywalker was a teenager. How long is a Wookiee's life span? Star Wars wiki says the average life span of a Wookiee is 400 years. 

End of Term, upcoming birthday, sick cat, pain, upcoming projects

It seems like this term of school was going to last forever. I was unimpressed with my literature critical theory class and had some twat in my Geography class attempt to educate me while ripping me a new one in one of our units. There wasn't one bit of my discussion board post that I wrote that wasn't true, that Amanda or I hadn't researched and talked about (granted it was for writing), or that wasn't stated in the text book. This person in my class also tried to insult me and call me a racist, bible-thumping idiot without actually saying it but it was very much implied, and basically tried to bait me into an argument. They also deemed my post as being something only fitting for facebook and not a college forum. Except that I didn't rise to the occasion. And in fact, everything that wrote and how they attacked me is exactly the kind of thing she was accusing me of. My instructor tried to curb everything and diffuse the situation and had to keep trying to diffuse it as this person kept trying to bait me. Didn't happen never mind that I had a plethora of information I could have fired back at her. My instructor also, made it sound like this person does this every week.  And after sating my curiosity to see if this hunch was true... It was! This person is a snide little bitch who like to add too, or improve upon other peoples posts in our class and if there is something they don't like, she very rude.

Moving on. Like I said this is the end of this term. I am happy. So happy I can hardly contain myself. I finished all the homework that I am going to do for my lit class. I have one module of homework I could do but nope. I am tired, worn out, and tired of the bullshit of that class. I will pass and with a B so that's all I care about at this point. I do have a paper and discussion board posts to do in my geo class but I will do all of that tomorrow. 

I did take a peak at the next term's set of classes and I think I am going to like them. Bite your tongue! I know, I will probably find out that I don't like at least one class, but I think they are going to be better than my Lit class. Plus my philosophy professor sounds really freaking awesome already.

My birthday is coming up. I am going to be 31! I don't feel it, well except physically. I haven't decided that I am going to do on the actual day except for that we are going to the full moon ritual that evening. I was kind of thinking about going to Spokane for the day but Amanda and I are taking Fiona to Seattle the next week so she can go to her best friend's wedding. While there Amanda and I are going to go to the Shinto Shrine I have been wanting to go to for years! We are also going to do little bit of shopping at a metaphysical store and go back to the Uwajimaya for a little shopping there. We also want to go to the ocean and collect some water and maybe get on a ferry and go to a writer's retreat island. 

My back and hips have been bothering me pretty badly lately. My hips from sleeping too long, I think. But my back is a constant thing, it's just been a lot worse lately. 

Galen is sick and has been for awhile. He has kitty bronchitis. We basically have to shove pills down his throat and when I do it, the sneaky fucker hides it in his mouth and then spits it out under the bed. So he hasn't gotten a lot of his meds. I tried to hide his meds in food this morning but that didn't work so he and I had a little fight while I tried to get him to swallow his pills. It was a lot of growling from both of us but I think, I finally won. We just have to get him to take the rest and call in some more medication for him. 

During my break week between terms, I have a couple of projects I want to work on. I have a couple of tote bags I need to make, Amanda's purse, and both of our cloaks, and I am also going to make two shirts. I have some anime I want to catch up on, some movies I want to watch, and some books I want to read. Of course a lot of this will probably won't get finished but if I can start these projects, they will bug me until I finish them. 

But, for now I am going to bed. Its been a long day and I am tired.  

Oh one more thing! I have been feeling a pull toward fantasy stuff in general lately and have been thinking about one of my stories that just so happens to be in the fantasy genre, so maybe I might actually get some writing done too during the break. 

It's an all pain, no bra, homework filled, want to go back to sleep, and kind of inspired kind of day.

Emmeline is my Steampunk Name and I adore it! Plus, Vampy cuteness!

My Steampunk name has nothing to do with today's post nor am I going to get into it further than, I adore that picture. I don't even remember what my search was when I found it else I would tell you but when I saw it, it was love at first sight and I knew I had save it! I'm going to seek out the artist soon and see what else she or he has done. 

Anyway, today isn't a total bust, but kind of close. My back is hurting something awful and it apparently wanted company because my neck, shoulders, and head have come to the party as well. I still have homework, but there are only two weeks left and then I get a break, thank the Gods! I do want to go back to sleep though which is why I am not moving everything over to the bed where I know I will be more comfortable. I am just too tried and the minute I am even the slightest bit comfortable, I'm out. 

The no bra bit. It's not out of comfort, in fact I am more uncomfortable without one on. I am leaving the bra off today because the strap from the one I was wearing yesterday and the day before (Shut up I don't have that many) rubbed me raw and between that and me not paying attention and scratching, I have a bit of chaffing. So, I am giving my skin a break and applying a triple antibiotic ointment to help it heal faster without infection, not that it would get infect but you never know. This isn't some common occurrence but my skin is very sensitive and it really doesn't take much for me have this problem.  

I am a little inspired. With all the homework and being in and out of the house the last month or so, we haven't really done a lot of cleaning. Our house isn't bad, but it's not dusted and there's some clutter out and about. A posted some pictures of her lovely "cave" and now I kind of want to do the same of our space but I won't until I get some cleaning done. We just have a bedroom and bathroom to ourselves, the rest of the apartment is shared between Amanda, myself, and her parents, although I tend to spend more time in my room than anywhere else. That will change when we get a place of our own. 

Well, I really do feel like I am about to fall asleep so I had better get to work on my homework. I have a big paper to write this week, some Yule stuff to plan and organize here at home, and Amanda needs some help with her blog tonight. 

Oh and did I mention that while we've been engaged for a few years, we've decided that we are going to finally set a date and get married? Well, we are. Of course since gay marriage is kind of joke in Idaho thank to our oh so accepting Governor Butch Otter and his continued campaign to get that right revoked, we are going to wait until we move to Washington state. I will let friends and family know as soon as we do but I will not be posting it here. As someone who was born and raised in Kansas and has personally seen Westboro Baptist Church in action, I don't want or need them picketing my wedding. Not that I would be a bridezilla, but I would hurt them. 

I was going to be so industrious blog-wise yesterday, I get the house to myself ,there's yelling, and I want my coloring books and colored pencils

My house is filled with yelling at the moment. Skoora just got paid last night and most of it went to bills. We have to go donate plasma next week. We have enough to put a little gas in one of our cars, which is fine, but she didn't have enough time to go do that before work. So she asked her Dad to take her. And on come the 20 questions of Why? Meanwhile Skoora is pleading with him to just take her or she'll be late- because he drives like an old man. No really, he does. He sometimes stops at green lights and tries to go on red. Once he pulled off our street onto another and there was a car coming, we told him to hurry up but he slowed down to stop. He's 70 and I think he's trying to be overly safe sometimes. And if we drive, he bitches! I actually stopped my jeep one day, unlocked the doors, and told him to get out. LOL, he just laughed.

Yesterday I was going to be so industrious as far as blogs were concerned. Plans were made, topics chosen for my participation in the Pagan Blog Project (for my pagan blog), and I even thought about working on craft blog post (not that I have many of the crafts finished- leave it to me to choose to do big crafts instead of smaller ones). But, homework took the better part of the day and I stopped for an hour or so to have eat lunch with Skoora's parents. I even watched a TV show with Skoora's Mom and oh boy that was awful! Then show was, not watching it with her. I'll may talk about it another post or I might not, depends on how much gets done.

I did, however, get the bedroom mostly picked up, vacuumed (not supposed to vacuum, and did some laundry. I hurt my back, because why should my body let me have one day where I can do any house cleaning and feel good about it. This sort of thing is beyond being old. But I also have to remember not to push it with house work and the workouts at the Kroc. (I also got half of my homework finished.)

Oh, I don't remember if I talked about that yet. I started their active trax program and got to speak with a physical trainer who is good with back injuries. She is so nice and sweet. We basically had a consultation, we talked about my goals- which are to strengthen my body enough for me to get a regular job again, and lose weight- and then she showed me which of the weight machines to use, the elliptical, and said to keep coming to swim 2-3 times a week. I felt so bad because I kind of became a chatter box. I apologized, of course. I either clam up around new people or turn into a bit of a chatterbox, even in e-mails.

I get the house to myself for a few hours this afternoon. Skoora is at work now and her parents are going out to run some errands. I can have my music as loud as I want. I could even hook my laptop up to the TV and turn on Pandora for a bit. I probably wont. I still have my Humanities homework to do and just realized that I forgot to do my initial discussion post yesterday. Shit! I can't believe I forgot about that. Grrrr... Well, I know how it happened, got my days mixed up, thought today was Thursday, and I will get it done this afternoon.

All of that aside, I've been feeling that urge to do something crafty lately and it's been really strong. I just haven't really done anything because of school work and other things. So yesterday I thought about pulling out some of my coloring books, I have a couple put out by Dover- Fairies, Steampunk, Goddesses, and my colored pencils. But then I got to talking to a friend on Facebook about the camping trip we are going on soon with the pagan group. I ended up chatting with her for a couple of hours and perusing Pinterest for some camping food ideas. I want something simply, but I don't want us all to not actually have meals. I've made a check list of what we are taking and then made a separate list for some food ideas. Since Skoora and I don't have a lot of money and the two friends riding along with us don't have much either, we're keeping everything cheap and simple and one of said friends wanted to know if we could compile a list of food we want and then split up the cost. It sounds like a plan. And it sounds like a ton of fun! I can't wait for it.

My plans for today are to get that Humanities homework finished, finish up the laundry, and make some time to actually sit down and color for a bit. I want to take some time to work on that book for my Grandparents I still haven't finished as well. Then some reading and some writing before bed.  
   

Packed week, the treacherous garage, light heat stroke and sun burns, and the damned cat won't stop talking! Oh and a craft/bake/garage sale?!

So, it's Saturday. Half of me can't believe it while the other half thinks it took long enough to get here. How that manages to work, I will never know. But, I suppose I should start off with the beginning of this rather hectic week.

Sunday I went to my friend's house with plans to be there until Tuesday afternoon. My visit was great until Tuesday when I awoke with a splitting migraine. Knowing that I was either going to have to go to the ER for a migraine shot (which I can't afford) or camp out in front of her toilet, I opted to clear out and head home, because at least the hospital is closer to home if I needed it. My friend lives about 45 mins from a decent hospital, the one in the valley in which she lives has a reputation for being terrible. When I came home, I took a hot shower in the hopes that the water would help soothe the tension, then I ended up in bed, in the dark, with a cold rag on my face, and the fan blowing on me. Took some Advil too and ended up falling asleep. That helped so much and I was feeling well enough to work on homework for the rest of the evening and into the middle of the night.

Wednesday we picked up a another friend and went to the U.U. Church to spend some time with the pagan group and participate in the full moon ritual. It was wonderful and I had a lot of fun. Also met someone who reminds me so much of a friend from high school that it's almost scary, in a good way. Maybe. After that we came home and watched Game of Thrones. I also did a lot of homework that night too.

Thursday we took our friend home and came home and went through the garage. Did I mention that Skoora's parents are terrible about keeping stuff separated? Well, if I didn't, they are. We had a hell of a time trying to even get to half of our stuff and ended up dragging half the garage out to even begin to make sense of anything. I managed to hurt my back a couple of times and by the middle of the afternoon, the wasps were finding me far too interesting. I don't know if I am allergic to them yet or not, but since I don't have a new epi pen, I wasn't about to take that chance. I also got sunburned in the few minutes I was actually out in the direct sunlight. Not cool! We went through a few things inside the house after that and then I tackled the rest of my homework and turned it in. Went to bed early because we had to get up early the next morning.

Which brings me to yesterday, Friday. We took things over to an Aunt's house for a big park wide garage sale. More sun burn for me, despite how much I tried to stay out of it. There was a lot of back and forth of errand running. Skoora and I managed to find a really nice desk from another sale in the park for ten dollars. We snatched it up quick and the best part, we can both work at it and still have some room to spread out stuff out a little, not much, but a little. I also managed to get mild heat stroke, which happens far more often than I would like.

Today, I skipped going to the garage sale at the park. I was just too tried and I'm still not feeling so great. Skoora did come home to pick me up for a small lunch date at Denny's where I learned that she, her mother, and her aunt have conspired to have another garage sale, this time with baked goods and any crafts I want to sell. I don't have any at the moment. Skoora suggested I make double sided tote bags like the one I made her. Sewing the tote bags are the easy and fast part. The embroidery, not so much. But I could do some without... maybe. Not sure what else I would do at the moment but I will be thinking about it.

I got online to check my messages from school and my grades. I'm doing okay, but it seems like I can't seem to make my damned writing teacher happy and on almost everything I turn in or any posts in the discussion boards I do, he tells me to look at the rubric. Really? He gave me a 15/15 on an assignment and still told me to look at the rubric! Now, as far as the story goes, I don't mind his criticism, I'm just really disappointed. I really worked my ass off on that story, picked at every single sentence and he's still bitching about how it begins like a 'long leisurely novel'. This is me tapping my foot in annoyance. No shit! I want to be a novelist, I am writing novels, novels are kind of my thing. I am not a short story writer and I have never wanted to be. Rawr! Well, now I am going to have to destroy what would have been a decent story. I just get the feeling that I'm going to ruin it.

I don't know what's going on with Yoda-chan. He has been so incredibly needy and he will not shut up! I love my cat, don't mistake me, but holy shit! He started to lick my eyelids in the morning to wake me up a couple of months ago and it's kind of cute... except that he bit my eyelid yesterday! He acts like that's okay, like this is the new status quo, but I beg to differ and since I am the Mommy person, I win... most of the time.

The good news is that I have been keeping track of how many books I've been reading this year since Good Reads is broken and can't do it right. So far, I've got 14 read and am almost done with the 15th. Yay! maybe I will get 30 read this year instead of my usual almost 20. I usually shoot for 20 a year.

   

Let's play catch up: A little behind and a little caught up.

Art by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

For one, this is me giving myself a few more minutes on the heating pad before I hit the shower. Last night, I don't know what I did but one of the times I got up from my desk I almost couldn't walk. I'm very sick of this herniated disk business. I'm also very sick of fibromyaglia and whatever is going on with my internal female bits. A friend suggested I look into PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and speak with a doctor, well a more specialized doctor. But these are just normal, everyday ailments and complaints about them and I am done, for this post.

Love Stephanie Pui-Mun Law's art work! We just recently and finally bought her Shadowscapes Tarot cards. I am in love with them! The art is simply lovely!

A lot has happened since I last posted. I dyed my hair black again and had a friend put blue streaks in it. That was an adventure in itself. I like it but now that my skin is less smurf- like (rinsed my hair out in the shower having forgotten that manic panic stains like a snarky bitch) some of the blue has faded. It's kind of a dusty teal color in places. If I decide to do this again, I think I will get a better quality bleach and go with Special Effects hair dye. I didn't seem to have as many problems with it when I did the tips of my hair red.

Skoora's parents decided that we needed to switch bedrooms. Part of me wonders "Why now? After all of this time and now that we are working on moving out?" The other part of me isn't going to fuss because now we have so much more room and can actually move. Did I mention that the door has a lock on it? More privacy! We also have an actual closet and because we have it, our clothing is not in the bath tub. We had to hang our clothes up in bath tub area of our old bathroom because we just didn't have closet space in our old room. So now we have two fully functional bathrooms, Skoora's parents have their own shower as do we.

My 30th birthday came and went. No, I'm not upset or ashamed to admit my age. I'm actually quite comfortable with it. I don't really see myself as an "older person". I don't view aging as a bad thing, it doesn't bother me. Besides, I've heard tale that 30 is the new 20. Did I mention that Skoora and her Mom threw me a surprise party? It was really nice!

I'm going back to school online much to annoyance of my parents. All my life both of them, including my Grandparents, harped on me the necessity of having a college degree. I remember telling my Dad as I was getting ready to graduate high school that I didn't want to go to college because I didn't want to be in debt but he made me go anyway. Now, now he and my Mom don't want me to go because I will be in even more debt than I am now. Well, so what. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't care, I do and very much so, but I still don't have my degree (my fault since I've tried to be and study things everyone else wanted and not entirely what I wanted and there were some life things that happened that made me quit going). So I am going back for the degree I want and since I have physical problems that caused me to quit last time I went to school, I'm doing it online. I've decided that I'm just going to do this whether or not my parents like it. It is my life after all and I have to deal with all outcomes positive or negative and I can't keep living it the way everyone else wants. I've felt tugged in so many different directions for so long, it's time to do some things for myself.

I've fallen a little behind with a lot of things since I had a friend visiting for my birthday and shortly after she left, we changed bedrooms. Our bedroom is almost 100% put back together. We have a tiny bit left to move back in (just a few boxes and bags of stuff). I'm behind on blog writing but I've managed to be on top of getting everything into the new college that they needed (for the moment). I know how much it's going to cost to get the cavities in my teeth filled. I have an eye exam today in which I will probably be ordering a new pair of glasses (it will be so nice to not have to squint to see stuff far away) and sun glasses. I was thinking about just getting contacts but I think they will cost more in the long run, especially since I have to have to torric lenses. I like the sun, but I have a love-hate relationship with it. It hurts my eyes and burns my skin within 15 minutes of being out in it. Sometimes I even break out in hives where I've burned. Not fun.

Other things have happened but they are for other posts and I need to get into the shower and dressed in a few minutes since Skoora's Mom just took her shower. Have to wait for the hot water. 

The craft bug is starting to take hold

There is some bug or another going around. One of Skoora's co-workers has been out sick for two weeks, (which anywhere else said co-worker would have already been fired). But it's not just her, another of Skoora's co-workers is sick as well and it seems that Skoora could very well have caught it too. Not cool! Not only do I not want to get sick but the two ladies who can cover for Skoora if she does fall ill pretty much bitch about having to do so, never mind that she covers for them all the time. For now, she's moping on the sofa with a cup of tea.

sweetheart neckline

I spent several days off and on in past weeks very lethargic and unable to focus on much of anything for very long. Most of that has to do with the chronic pain I deal with everyday and the rest is just from being human I suppose. Anyway, I happened across Aunt Martha's Hot Iron Transfers and Skoora bought me the one shown above. I foresee a couple of embroidery projects coming in the near future, probably birthday presents. Which reminds me that I have blue skirt I need to finish the embroidery on. I also have a afghan I need to work on along with a couple of new crochet patterns to learn but I suspect that will take some time.

Not too long ago I became frustrated and said "fuck it, I'm just going to make some clothes that actually fit right". Of course I have to learn how to expand patterns and I have a few that I bought in the largest size when Joann crafts had a five patterns for five dollars kind of deal. My first project will be a halter top since Skoora thinks I look good in them and I really like the sweetheart neckline. I'm pear shaped, small shoulders and wide-ass hips, and well you know a ginormous badunkadunk doesn't help. Thank you Great Grandma Ester, your genetics have made clothes shopping really crappy since I was 13.

Today I had a coupon for Joann's crafts and decided that I needed to try and get out of the house for a little bit despite how much my back was hurting. For the last couple of days every time I turn around literally and figuratively, I've managed to hurt my back, something shifts, something snaps, it's really hard to describe, and for the instant it happens I'm flooded with pain and want to cry and vomit, and when the pain subsides a little I just feel exhausted. So, in effort to keep me from wallowing in bed all day, I forced myself out and used the coupon on a pad of scrap booking paper. I was able to get two yards of material for another shirt as well since fabric was 40% off but that's for another time. I really like this pad of paper, it's my favorite color, green, and I think I am really going to enjoy making cards and other little things with it. 

Ewww, Galen is making weird noises, and my friends made a meme (?) of my kitty.

My friend (pseudo brother) Lucas made this lovely meme of our kitty, Ellie. She is one of the most unkempt girl cats I have ever known. She's  Persian, gets that icky eye snot that we have to clean up for her. She doesn't really bathe herself (but in her defense she doesn't have a face so I suppose it's harder for her), and she doesn't like us to trim her little claws or brush her. So we try to get as much done as we can, when she "allows" us to, which isn't very often. Like all cats, she loves to sunbathe and I finally got her attention long enough to snap a quick picture of her. Like always she looks terrible and slightly demonic.

The next kitty in the news for our house is Galen, the bitchy, grumpy, asshole. He is still coming up to me for pets but now when I scratch his back his general purr/growl has taken on a higher tone. It sounds like he's either trying to talk or meow in agony. But he always comes back for more, so I don't know if he's just bitching like always or if he's hurting. It is so weird and I'm really not quite sure what to make of it. Of course he is still being a bully to Yoda-chan, which isn't cool and I will never understand because they sleep beside each other often enough and Galen likes it when Yoda gives him baths. He was also very sad when Yoda had to stay at the vet for a couple of nights. *sigh* Cats.

My "Eww" is that I am hurting pretty bad today and I'm dealing with a migraine. I should lay down in bed and rest with some ice on my back and a cold rag on my head, but I have some things I need to try to get done i.e. a shower, helping with the laundry, and dinner. I've got some chicken thawed out so maybe balsamic chicken or curry chicken with veggies in place of jasmine rice. I just have to make sure that I have all the right spices.

Lastly, I really would like to work on my Young Adult story tonight for a little bit. I think I want to work a little more on the world building and  re-work some of the 1st chapter.  I have been struggling with which information to put in, is it too much or not enough, or should I deal with this part of it or just leave it out and wait until she has to explain things to another character. I don't know why this  one is giving me such a problem. New territory I suppose. 

Hello Wine, why is the cat crying?!

I am out of pain pills and I am in a lot of pain tonight. In fact it's at the point where it is burning in the back and down both my legs. That's not good. So, I decided today, since we were in a different store, that I would ask Skoora to buy me some wine to try. I don't plan to get shit faced or medicate with alcohol when I don't have pain medication, no no no. But she did buy me some to try. Last time I had wine is gave me wicked heartburn and I haven't touched it since.

So, despite the fact that this is cheap wine of some supposedly exotic fruity nature, I still don't think I like wine but at least I don't feel the hurt so much. Skoora brought me a coke-a-cola glass full of it. The burning in my back and legs is still there but I've got enough of a buzz that, like I said, it isn't as bad as it was. However, I do have to pee already.

Yoda-Chan, dear sweet Yoda- Chan. He was outside my door crying to be let in. I let him in and now he's sitting at the door crying to be let out. Oh great, and now Galen is crying too. I am not getting up. I will win and curb their obsession with going in and out.

We watched Opposite Worlds on SyFy tonight. I do not like it. There is too much talking and not enough actually stuff happening in the show. It's just a different twist on Survivor and I hate hate hate that show. Actually the only 'reality competition' show I do like is Face Off. At the moment, we have the TV on in our room, which  believe me is rare unless we just want something mindless to fall asleep to and even that's kind of rare. Anyway My Strange Addiction is on and there is this guy who eats plastic. Um, okay, if that's what floats your boat but you might lose your fiance if you keep that shit up. The other part of the episode is about a woman who is co-dependant on a baby doll.. O.o And she wants her boyfriend to bond with it. Um, that's your addiction, don't try to force him into it, you're doing good in that he's been tolerant of your addiction so far (and at least this is one that doesn't hurt anyone or herself).

So, goals for tomorrow: Research Bloodstones for my new Pagan blog, try to get some much needed reading done, and some girl stuff. Going to do a face mask because it's been forever since I've done one. Need to do some extra exfoliating because my skin has been dry and peeling a little bit. Oh and just so ya'll know (heh heh my native Kansan talking) I DO like Honeybooboo. 

What. The. Hell?! Vacation Plans. Books.

Books first because they are among many things, a happy subject for me. Last night Skoora bought The Mythical Creatures Bible by Brenda Rosen and awesomely enough, it was in the New Age section of Hasting's where I was looking for books on Asatru. More on that later. Anyway, I think it looks like it will be a nice little read and might even have some information we haven't come across or even creatures we've never heard of before.

On to my book. Skoora bought me the book to the left, The Norse Myths by Kevin Crossley-Hollad. I've opened it, scanned the table of contents, and I think it's going to be a really good read. I have high expectations that it will be more in depth than D'Aulaires' Book of Norse Myths since that one was for kids. I still have the Poetic Edda and so forth to read, but this will be fun too.

I over did it yesterday while trying to do laundry and cleanup the bedroom, threw my back right out of whack. On top of that, I smacked my elbow in the shower and in some bizarre freakish way, in moving just slightly so I wouldn't smack it again was just right enough to make the disk slip again or do something really bad. Needless to say, today I am not doing so well and I need to go get a hair cut. I think I can manage it if I am really careful.

A situation happened recently and no I don't want to go into details. It has been a set 'What the Hell' kind of days. I don't think I am as okay as I thought I was. Or maybe it was that I went numb for self preservation and now bits of feeling are leaking back in in small bouts. Or maybe it was that I thought everything was going to be fine until last night and I need to retract some things and.... You know what, it will work itself out. I don't want to stress over it right now,my back hurts enough I don't need to make my head hurt too. No, my head doesn't hurt when I think, it hurts when I start to get really stressed. All my neck muscles tense up. Also, I'm not sick, that I know of, this situation has to do with people.

All of that said Skoora and I are planning a small vacation because we need to get the fuck away. We've never had a vacation together and after 6 years, it's damned time. So we are going to go visit a friend and see some things that shes seen but I haven't but wanted to see. We don't know when but it'll probably be within the next few months. Honestly, I can hardly wait and hope that my back holds out!

   

What can I say about today? Where the hell is all the snow?!

Dimitri Belikov played by Danila Kozlovsky

1. He's hot!
2. I am really excited for Vampire Academy to come out next month!
3. I really wish some of his other movies were available for viewing here in the United States with English Subtitles.

Where is all the snow I ask you? Huh? Where is it?! It's not outside on the ground. I live in Northern Idaho, a couple of hours away from the Canadian border. It's winter and there isn't any snow. One of the perks and my favorite things about living up here is the snow. But it's not here. No, in fact it's in Kansas, where my family lives. My Dad said earlier (as in it's after midnight and I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still tonight rather than tomorrow, never mind) that it was snowing in Wichita. It snowed there a few days ago too. The north eastern United States just had a big winter storm and got lots of snow. Parts of airports were even closed. But did we get any snow here? Nope. I am not happy. I'd shake my fist at the sky and bitch at it too if I thought I could get snow, but I doubt it will help.

Sigh.

Today I slept far too late because again last night I couldn't sleep. But I got up and tried to go to Spokane and when I got on the highway I promptly got off at the nearest exit. I need to replace the tires on my car but can't do that until Skoora gets back from her residency. I can still drive the car, just not on the highway and I have to keep an eye on it.

When I got home, I had to babysit cousin Amber while Skoora's parents went to mass. Not a big deal, I let her pick a movie and we chatted a little bit while I started dinner and made my snack cups and some breakfast croissants. no, I haven't learned how to make croissants from scratch yet, I bought some mini ones from the supermarket a couple of days ago and cut up some turkey to put on them along with some cheese and threw the in the oven. Right now, they are in the freezer to be taken out at later dates to be consumed. I also sauteed some onions and mushrooms in balsamic vinegar and butter. When all was said and done, I retreated back into my bedroom and played Guild Wars with my Dad.

I have managed to hurt my back more today, just in leaning back in my chair. My desk chair rocks back a little and I was tired of sitting up straight (well as straight as I could for as long as I was able). I sat back and when I tried to move forward (enter many explicatives and color phrases). And to make matters worse, when I tried to get up, more pain. I kind of stayed locked, unable to really move for a bit until I could breathe and then very very slowly ease into a position that didn't hurt so bad.

Oh and I talked on the phone with my cousin Sheena tonight. She feels kind of bad for trying to help her brother out yesterday. He took the 20 dollars she gave him and spent it on alcohol. His girlfriend called up and said he was missing today and the saddest thing, Sheena checked the recent arrests for the county they live in. Yep, he's in jail and it looks like he might have even gotten violent as well. Personally, I hope he stays in jail for really long time. It's the only time he's ever sober.

Upside, tomorrow my friend is coming for a visit. 

A semi quiet start to the new year.

Rum Geisha © Hannah Richardson

First, I think I need to change and update all of my passwords again. It could be nothing but it could be something. I just opened up blogger and started a new blog where I got a message stating that I just logged out of another location and would I like to log back in. Grrrrr! 

My New Year started quietly with a few games of Rummikub and me coaxing Skoora's mom into drinking a whole bottle of wine. She's not really a drinker. The 1st was spent taking my time in doing almost nothing. I didn't go to the family new year's party, instead I went to Skoora's work and kept her and her assistant manager company for an hour or so. After we got home her parents came in along with a friend from their church and we visited with him meanwhile a Monster High movie was playing in the background. Skoora was kind of nervous about getting ready for her residency. 

Skoora worked the 2nd which made things more difficult for her in terms of being ready to go. Still, we got her packed, last minute errands run, and off to the airport in time for her flight. I was a bit worried since the North East was getting slammed with a winter storm but her plane landed safely, the only down side was that she had to spend the night in the airport last night until the bus could take her to the T (subway) in Boston this morning. I stayed up until about 3 am worried even though we sent text to each other and I spoke to her on the phone a couple of times. And despite not getting but a few hours of sleep the night before and being very tired, I just couldn't go to sleep until I knew she was out of the airport and on her way to the college campus. Then it was a matter of her not being next to me in bed. But exhaustion finally won and I fell asleep. 

I actually slept until a little after 1 in the afternoon. I really hate sleeping that late but didn't let myself get too upset about considering the circumstances. I haven't really done a lot today either. I've mostly played Game of Thrones Ascent on facebook. I saw the ad for it last night and decided to try it out and off and on today I've played. It's a time waster but it is interesting and fun. 

I did manage to get out of the house today and aggravate my back while doing it. I placed a hold on a few jewelry making books and went to go pick them up. After we had dinner, I took Skoora's mom, and Skoora's visiting cousin Amber to Hasting's. I was going to pay for the coffee and Amber's coco but Skoora's mom decided that she would. Then we parted ways in the store, they went to look at some things and I went to look for other things. Skoora's mom kind of rushed me when we met back up again despite me telling her that I was still looking. She wanted to get a book and then I guess decided that she didn't want to wait in line and put it back. In finagling my wallet and my purse, I managed to turn wrong and that's how I managed to make my back hurt worse this time. 

Back at home, Skoora's mom and dad watched Monster's University with Amber and I went out to watch for awhile. I stayed until the end of the movie but couldn't sit through another one. Since then I have been holed up in my room editing some photos, looking at what I have on my deviant art page, and yeah, that's about it. I should have logged on to play Guild Wars but I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to read but I didn't feel like doing that either. Writing was on my mind but again, I didn't feel like much of that. 

So here I am again, it's the middle of the night. I'm by myself, the cats want to go in and out, and I can't sleep but this time, I really wish I could! I don't think I will sleep very well until Skoora comes home.

Oh and my friend Christine B is coming to visit on Sunday. I'm not sure how long she's going to stay, but I don't care. I don't know if she will buy any fabric or not but she's asked me to make some pillow cases for her.   

Express to slow the hell down.

Fairy Kitty by Maria Lucia

Everything has been go go go since Skoora returned from er residency in Boston. We've gone shopping (which was really hard on me and sometimes I really didn't think I was going to be able to take another step from the pain). We've run various errands, made doctor's appointments, and I have been to the library a lot. We have also been to Hasting's several times. I have also been trying to keep everything picked up as far as our bedroom is concerned, which is kind of difficult since we have so many pillows. But I've also managed to tackle the laundry. Of course, I need to do some grocery shopping today but I'm not getting very much and I doubt I will be at the store for very long. Also, I spent a day watching Downton Abbey, which I've mentioned before. But I haven't really taken any time to rest much less relax. With everything that is going on, I'm geared up and tense. My back feels awful, the fibromyalgia has flared up something terrible, and I'm starting to have panic attacks every day, sometimes more than once a day. This is not a good thing.

Today, after I go to the store, make supper, pick Skoora up from work, and play a little Guild Wars with my Dad, I am going to settle down for an hour or two and just read. I have several books that won't read themselves and I really think I need some time to escape for a little bit. I know Yoda-Chan will be extremely thrilled to have me in one place for more than a few minutes. He always likes to be petted.

With the way things are going, I doubt I will be able to do anything for Lammas this year. I just don't think that I will have the energy but I will see.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with the headshrinker. I have mixed feelings about going to see her again but I don't want to start over with a different therapist, the thought of that is exhausting. A highlight, I am going to visit a friend after that.

Honestly, I have a lot more I could/ need to blog about, but I am so tired and if the library hasn't gotten my books in yet, probably won't today. So, I should pack up and head to the store, and then home. But I might stop for coffee and read for half an hour in a park. There's a park a couple of block away from my house and it would be really nice to go sit by the river.  

Downton Abbey, weird dreams of the Hunger Games, and Captain America has to pee?

Finally! Finally! My hold at the library came in. Season 2 of Downton Abbey is mine to watch tonight! I am excited and season 3 is on it's way. I have avoided eye contact with all things Downton Abbey on the internet, from pictures, status updates on facebook, and articles just so I wouldn't have anything spoiled for me. Now none of that will matter after the next couple of days.

As you can probably guess, I'm feeling better, well emotionally that is. Aside from having a very bizarre Hunger Games dream in which Katniss was pregnant and Peeta swore he'd take care of her and the baby, even bought a house for them all to live in when they arrived home, I just woke up in a better mood. Of course Supernatural was on TV. I got a little Dean Winchester and Castiel eye candy this morning... Well afternoon. I awoke a little before noon. For once, I don't mind over sleeping. I think I just really needed the sleep.

Last night I wrote two letters. One was to my cousin Shi-chan. The other was to my little cousin Kayleigh. I think I have referred to her as my niece before, she calls me Aunt Hannah sometimes, so that is where that comes from and also my cousins think of me as their sister. But really, Kayleigh is my cousin. Anyway, she fell and broke her wrist in two places. So I sent her a card and some Monster High stickers to cheer her up. Of course this was while I was watching the Hunger Games. Now you see why I dreamt a Hunger Games dream.

This morning, when I went to the bathroom, Yoda-chan, my kitty, came in and wanted to be petted. He looked really needy so I picked him up and held him, pet him, and told him he was handsome. He really liked that so I spent more time in the bathroom than I intended. He really hates it when I leave and I am very worried about him. If I leave for more than a day, he doesn't eat and he's lost a lot of weight. I might have to talk to the vet about this behavior because I really don't think he would handle coming with me when I travel on planes to see my family very well. That and I just don't trust the airports to take care of him. I've heard about what happens to animals.

On a lighter note, I was looking at pictures of Chris Evans yesterday and came across this one. I don't know whether he hurt himself or if he has to pee, but I thought it was kind of silly so I kept it. Also, you can see where the make up is sliding around his ankles and lower shins. I was wondering if they'd done some kind of padding for his feet during this scene. Well, now I know.

My back is starting to hurt, so I am going to go home and try to write there for a little bit. Yes, I said write. It was writing letters to family that helped me get my drive back. 

Fruit, Blood, and Burritos

For those in the States, I hope everyone had a fun and safe 4th of July. Mine was really interesting but I will get to that a little later.

Today I awoke later than I wanted to and had plans to do some cooking and food prep. However, I was talked out of cooking so I decided to change the sheets on my bed and took a trip to the Library. I made a quick stop by Starbucks on the way.

I didn't stay at the Library too long but while I was there I managed to work out a character bio for a new story.

When I arrived home, I ended up having dinner. I don't think I like having lunch/dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon never mind that that's how people used to do things. The Victorian's had Tea or High Tea and depending on which one determined what sort of dinner they would have later in the evening. Unfortunately my evening without cooking didn't last long. Skoora's mom was watching the cooking channel again and I got a little restless. So I made breakfast burritos, a fruit salad, and prepped the fruit I need for smoothies. I think am going to sneak a breakfast burrito since I'm actually pretty hungry. I've also managed to get laundry going. All in all it's been a marginally productive day and in turn my back is killing me.

Now, on to yesterday. I went to the plasma donation place to donate and it ended in a bit of a scare. The process started all right but then the machine started beeping. So the tech who hooked me up came back to check. After some re-positioning of the needle, blood pooling out around the needle, and some painful poking, he decided that he'd try the other arm. However, the other arm had a bruise and they didn't want to risk it. So the tech bandaged me up, taped an ice pack to my arm and a nurse took me to the waiting room to sit with some water. I wasn't allowed to leave for 30 minutes. After which, thanks a very small loan from my parents, I got some gas and something to eat. I'll pay them back as soon as Skoora gets back from Boston.

I was pretty shaken up from the experience. I came home, took an aspirin, and looked up what RBC loss meant in relation to plasma donation. Apparently it's red blood cell loss and I saw an article that said I shouldn't donate again for at least 8 weeks. Guhhhh!

Still kind of shaken and a little worried since my arm hurt, I decided to take a nap. After that, I went swimming at an Aunt's, had some food at the family barbecue, and played a round of polish horseshoes. I was still feeling a bit tired so I came home and rested for the rest of the evening. Of course I kept the kitties calm while all of the neighbors shot ff their fireworks.    
  

Hell's Gate Camping Trip

This picture was not taken by me. 

At the beginning of this week Skoora and I headed down to Moscow to visit some friends before gathering said friends up for a small camping trip. Our destination was a place in Lewiston but no one in my car seemed to know or remember the name of the place.

The drive was nice except for a little patch of road just before you get to Lewiston. You have to drive through a bit of mountains and while the road wasn't bad, the strong gusts of wind were enough to put me on edge.

At first we went the wrong way, because whoever designed the streets had to have been drunk or high, but we figured it out and got on the right track again and finally arrived at the camp ground. When I saw the signs I couldn't help but think 'Hell's Gate, well that's an uplifting name'. Honestly, I wasn't expecting much since the mountains surrounding the camp were brown and grassy, with an absence of trees. Everything around, city and Snake River aside, looked kind of barren. The further we got into the park things changed. Lush, green grass blanked the ground. Tall trees stood, providing shade. There were small cabins, a nice place to use the bathroom and shower. Plenty of camping spots with fire pits and picnic tables, even electric hookups. Really, this park has a lot to offer but I couldn't help but feel like this was a planted park. A place where people came in and planted the trees and grass to create a space. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't know if I feel exactly cheated or not. I can't explain it to myself so I have no hope of explaining it to you.

After we pulled into our spot we set up camp. There were two runs made to the Clarkston Wal-Mart, the first of which I had gone on. I opted out of the second one since my back was killing me and I wanted to keep a fellow camper company. I feel bad because I don't really know him and ended up rambling while everyone else was gone. I have been assured that was okay and I'm glad because honestly that hour and half would have crawled on if we'd spent it in an awkward-I-don't-know-you-so-I'm-not-going-to-talk-to-you kind of silence.

I did get a couple of pictures before it started to rain. They aren't very good but it's a new camera and I'm still trying to get used to it.

Speaking of the rain, once it started it didn't really stop. Everything was soaked and I think everyone's tent leaked in some fashion. Everything we left out on the picnic table was soaked and where there is darkness and moisture there are earwigs. I actually went to bed early half because I was in so much pain I couldn't stand it anymore, and also because earwigs were dropping down on me from the tree I was sitting under. EWW! Worse, when I was laying down in the tent trying to sleep, I could see them crawling on the outside of my tent in the firelight. Also, someone let their dog take a crap outside our tent during the night. I don't know who but it wasn't a pleasant thing to wake up to.

We left early the next morning. We'd had enough of the rain and someone of my fellow campers had to get back to town so they could shower and go to work. It's been a couple of days and I am still recovering from the trip physically. I didn't play and bounce around like my friends, in fact I took it easy but somehow, the chair I was sitting in, the drive, already being in pain, and getting in and out of the tent just really fouled me up. Still, aside from the bugs and back pain it was a good trip. I just wish my parents had been there with all of their camping stuff. My Mom and Dad would have cooked us a fantastic meal in real camping fashion. My Dad has all sorts of stories from when he worked on the Dude Ranch in Colorado he could have told, plus my Dad has a banjo. Sure, none of my friends would have really enjoyed a bluegrass element but I sure would have.

Actually one of my fondest memories was when I was little and there was a night full of severe weather. There is a support beam and pole that runs through the middle of the basement and my Dad put me (and my favorite stuffed animals) next to it on a pallet and stood a mattress set up, the box springs on one side of me and the mattress on the other. Mom lit candles and sat somewhere, I'm not sure where because I couldn't see her, and Dad set up a spot for himself in front of me. He took out his banjo and played and sang for us until I fell asleep. It was awesome!     

No warning title.

I have decided that I really loathe the show chopped on the food channel.  I'm just so sick of watching it, of listening to the judges, and well all of it. And for some reason Skoora's mother just loves all the competition reality TV shows. That aside, I really wish the TV could be turned off once and in a while, for more than two minutes. I mean really, you couldn't find anything on two minutes ago, what's changed now? And for the love of the Gods, watch the TV or shut up! It's hard to handle one conversation while the TV is going much less two. More importantly can't you see that I am trying to do something. Hint, if my fingers are moving over the keys, I'm busy.

Apparently our neighbors, the ones above us, have completely ignored the letter sent out by management about noise after 10 pm. They had people over and have been stomping since 10 pm.

Things have not been going very well for me lately. My back has been really bad the last three weeks and the most comfortable place for me to sit, where I have the least amount of pain, where I can semi have a rational coherent thought is in the living room. The TV, the constant conversations, the noise from upstairs, none of that would bother me so damned much if I wasn't in pain. Also, if I didn't feel utterly overloaded. This is the part that I've been trying really hard to assuage per se.

I used to work (and or go to school), clean, do laundry, cook, run errands (sometimes for multiple people), have a little of a social life, read, and write every day and did so for several years. I was the person people went to when they needed help. I had focus, drive, and even though I suffered from depression and anxiety, I could get up the next day and do it all over again. Dare I say it I had hope as well.

Some things happened over a year ago that really screwed with me mentally and about that time my back got really bad and hasn't gotten better since. Needless to say I fell like both are and have destroyed me. I literally have to give myself a laundry list, one I keep full, to get out of bed in the morning. I cling to the little things I can do, when I am able to do them, just because they make me feel like I have some semblance of purpose.  I am unable to support myself financially, which is difficult enough. Having to have my girlfriend come in to help me take a shower, to help me get dressed, and use the bathroom is devastating and it's taking it's toll especially during NaNoWriMo month.

I have been having so much trouble trying to focus on writing, on writing much of anything really. Even e-mails have been difficult. It doesn't seem to matter what time of day I try to sit down and write, I just don't seem to be able to do much. I am so behind on the word count target it's not even funny. Sure there is time left in the month but I'm scared that I won't make it. Most people would say it's no big deal but to me it really is. I do not have much to be proud of and NaNoWriMo, completing it and being a winner is one of the only things I do have. And I feel like the ability of finishing this year is being stolen from me.

So because I can't really focus on writing and being upset about it, I haven't really done a lot of things that I would like to do which only drives me nuts. I have things that I need to get done, just small things and nothing out of the ordinary. One of my friends said that I should give myself a break. I wish I could but I really can't. I have to do things, I have to keep going, even if like most days, I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not going to school, I am unable to work, if I don't feel like I am contributing in some way, and keeping myself busy so I don't go nuts in the mean time, then the depression is so much worse.

And lastly, I am so lonely. The people I am most comfortable with, aside from Skoora who I feel terrible for venting to a lot, are the furthest away. 

A Sunday well spent

Unlike a good majority of my fellow Americans, I do not like foot ball, in fact I detest it. I won't go into the reason why just be satisfied that I hate it. So, I decided that I would find something constructive to do this past Sunday. Of course I had some writing that I could have been doing, library books that need to be read, but I just kind of wanted to play in the kitchen for a bit, move around for as long as my back could stand it. There were also some vegetables and some fruit that needed to be used up. I will be sure to share pictures of all the food I made on my Crafts and Culinary blog after this.

I started out making a beef stew and pumpkin bread. Then I began the work for Kaiser rolls and decided, after all that I did want to try out a recipe I found for pumpkin butter. However, we don't have apple juice but we still have lots of apples. So I decided to make mulled apple cider from scratch since apple cider is supposed to go into the pumpkin butter. So after I got the mulled apple cider done I made the pumpkin butter and since I had the apples from the cider left over and I didn't want to waste them, I just put them in the blender and made apple sauce.

So we now have Kaiser rolls (most of which have been eaten , pumpkin bread, apple sauce, pumpkin butter, mulled apple cider, and a little of the vegetable beef stew (what's left over anyway).

After all was said and done I cleaned up the kitchen and was hurting pretty bad. So I sat down on the sofa, watched Once Upon a Time and 666 Park Avenue. I really like Once Upon a Time and I'm semi-hooked on 666 Park Avenue. I want to see what's going to happen next week and probably give it a couple more episodes before I decide if I really like it or not.

And Vampire Diaries fans, remember this Thursday the 11th is the start of the new season on the CW.

Retreating to the library Wabahhhha!

We are playing Edward and Alphonse Elric today!

We, my Girlfriend and I, are sitting at the City's public library because that atrocity called American Football is playing on TV today and my girlfriend's Father, of course, loves it. As you can probably tell, I hate it! Sorry Football fans, I just can't stand sitting there for 4+ hours watching people run into each other. It's too hot in our room to hide out in there and both of us doubted that we would really get any peace to do what we needed to do. Which for her was to work on her college essays for Grad school and for me, plan our anniversary, work on plans for Halloween, and work on my first post for my craft blog. Oh and I need to get my vocabulary word of the week for the Detangled Writers blog I am part of/ working on with some friends.

Yesterday I overdid it. Again! My back was bothering me but I was kind of on a roll. We went to the Wal-mart to pick up white thread and a seam ripper (I am making a quilt for my Grandparents), veggie dip and yogurt, and managed to get two free parring knives for listening to a Forever Knife demo. I'll tell you what, the man giving the demo looked so bored and tired of doing it. I think he's doing it all weekend and I know he was there doing it Friday as well. I felt bad for him but I didn't have $50.00 to buy a set of knives. Besides, I only listened to the demo because my Girlfriend was interested.

After we finished at the store we came home. My Girlfriend, ugh, I'm just going to refer to her from now on as Skoora because that's who she is on the net. Anyway, my girlfriend sliced up the bell peppers we bought at WinCo the other day. Then I was in the kitchen for most of the day. I did two loads of laundry, made three pies (apple, blackberry, and peach) all from scratch, dinner, and ran a load of dishes in the dishwasher.  I also picked up the living room since it was clear that no one else was going to do it anytime soon and the mess was driving me nuts. I was so tired, worn out, and hurting so much when I was finished that by the time I sat down for dinner, I kind of wanted to cry. But I managed to stay awake long enough to watch two movies!

This morning I harassed Skoora out of bed to work on the dining room. She ended up doing most of the work because my back is trying to tell me to 'fuck off ' today. I took a pain pill and now I'm here at the library.

Tomorrow morning I finally get my MRI. I'm kind of nervous about what it will show and also I am claustrophobic and fat and I don't like lots of loud noises. I am sure I will be fine though.   

You don't really know unless you experience it yourself.

My mother lives with chronic pain and has since I was in middle school. I've seen her on her good days and when she's at her worst. We've fought, cried, nearly killed each other and there were days that I prayed that she would die not because I wanted her too, I would be devastated, but because I just wanted her to have some peace. It's really hard to listen to a woman who is like an Amazon and never cries, sob because the pain is so terrible she can't stand it. It is hard to come home and find her lying on the floor because she's in so much pain her body or mind says 'fuck you' and switches off and by that I mean she just went out, lost consciousness. I used to tell her that "I know you hurt and I get it it," or "I understand" and I was trying to be understanding and supportive but really I didn't have a fucking clue only an observers point of view.

Several years later and my mother still lives with chronic pain and now so do I. I don't know what I have done to my back but I've done something. While I don't have pain in the same places my mother does, I have pain in my lower back, down through my hip and my right leg. Sometime I even have pain on the left side. I have been in so much pain that I could not walk, sleep, go to the bathroom on my own, or take a shower on my own. Still, when my worst days have past I do my best to keep moving.

It's not just physical pain that comes with chronic pain. I already suffer from severe depression and social phobias though most people wouldn't know because I hide it and don't let a lot of people really see. After I hurt myself those things became much worse. And what's the first thing I did, shut more people out because I couldn't deal with anything else. Also because I didn't want to complain too much. Feelings like "I'm a parasite because I can no longer help support myself" became more frequent. Suicidal thoughts sprouted and bloomed more often. I haven't tried but damn have I thought about it, made plans, even told my girlfriend that she would be better off without me. I've felt ashamed of myself, disappointed, furious, frustrated, angry, raw, mentally over stimulated and taxed. It is very hard to focus on much of anything when I hurt really bad and when I am very depressed which just makes everything worse.

Through all of it I still try to get out of the house once a day, keep pushing to do house work and cook because that's the only way I can contribute and because you have to keep moving. I try to do things that keep me busy and that I enjoy so I'm not so depressed. I've even entered into a pain study to see if that will help in some way, even a little bit.

Some days are better than others and always I have the fear of waking up in so much pain I can't move. It is hard to watch everyone around you go to work, go to school, have mostly normal lives while you're stuck not making much progress. I know I am a writer and most people say "well this is an opportunity for you to write more and get that book written and published". That's all fine and dandy but when it hurts to sit in a chair and so much you can't think, you can't really write much of anything. Worse is when you can't get your head clear enough to even think straight. So you have to try to find something else to do which is also frustrating because you can't even do what you love.

So, now I feel like I can say, "Yeah, Mom, I really do get it. I know how much it hurts and how frustrating it is. I know how much you wish you just had a break from it to have a normal day."