Missing Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa on their wedding day. 

In January this year my Grandma passed. Things were rough when Grandpa passed a few years ago, but I bounced back fairly quickly. Maybe it was because he had Alzheimer's and we'd already been grieving the parts of him that it took. But Grandma's passing was so surreal. On one hand there was relief, she was in pain anymore, she was ready to move on and join Grandpa, and I realized I didn't have to hide big, important parts of my life anymore. Frankly, I don't give a shit what the rest of my family thinks of me. The one's who matter don't mind and those that mind, don't matter. 

On the other hand, I think I was in shock for a little bit. She passed and then I was on a plane to fly down for her funeral. I stayed at my parent's house for a month. 

Today, I watched the funeral video from Grandpa's funeral and there were some pictures of their house. My Dad grew up in that house and so did I. I remember how it smells, where nearly everything is, what the doors sound like when you open them, what the furnace sounds like... I close my eyes and I hear Grandma clinking in the kitchen on Saturday morning, the house smelling of  cooking sausage and  baking biscuits. I can hear Grandpa coming in from getting the paper and them talking about getting me up for the day. We're going to work in the garden today and Grandma will make salmon croquets and we'll have her home canned tomato juice, her homemade bread. 

I miss my grandparents and the stability they provided. I miss talking to them, annoying them, playing tricks on Grandpa in good fun. I miss Grandpa shooting me with his cane in Olive Garden, showing me how to use his video camera, and chewing me out because of my shitty grammar. I miss sewing and cooking with Grandma, of her reading me stories before bed and yes, I asked her to do it even when I was in college. She thought I should be reading to her, but nah. I miss when Grandma would rub my face when a migraine would set in. 

I miss their hugs.   

I have ascended!!! Paimon, Food, and a Productive day.

 

So, I have been playing Genshin Impact for a little while now. I think I started it at the beginning of this year? Might have been last year, anyway, I took the plunge because cute/hawt/smexy anime characters, amazing graphics, and beautiful sound tracks really appeal to me and I missed PC gaming... like... A LOT!  I'm still playing D&D, of course. Any way, meet Paimon, if you haven't already. She is adorable. I think a lot of people find her annoying, but I find her precious, especially when she is throwing a tantrum. She gets to angry! I just want to hug her. She is not emergency food and anyone who says so is in for it!

Paimon isn't the only character I adore. Zhongli is my husbando and Xiao is my son. Diluc and Kaeya are my other husbandos and Althaiham is my boyfriend. There are others... of course and Tighnari- purrr!  I really do love this game for more than just pretty anime men and ladies. I enjoy the character arcs and story line too. I have cried a couple of times because of this game and even today, I just finished a compelling quest that made me a little teary-eyed. But...
I have ascended!!! I can level my character up to 80 now. I'm gonna do it a little slow because I need to level up a couple of other characters- of course I have to go grind and beat some bosses to get components to do that, but meh. All in good time.  

Apart from all that silliness, I have had a rather productive day considering. The last several months have been a struggle and maybe, just maybe, I am coming out of it? I hope. I have a lot of work to do. Anyway, I made a meal plan, grocery list, and did the big grocery shop today. The weather up here is hot, too hot for this time of year, or at least hotter than it has been the last several years. 

After that, Selene (a.k.a. Amanda) helped me with some of the meat food prep so we could get it into the freezer. I made a trail mix I can eat and portioned it out for snacking. Then I made dinner. 

I mixed taco seasoning in with really lean ground beef and a southwest frozen veggie mix, then stuffed some bell peppers full, added cheese, and a little water to the pan and baked them. We had salad to go with them. Because I didn't eat lunch today and hadn't been keeping up with my water intake, I ate two stuffed peppers. Tomorrow will be better on the remembering to drink water and eat. 

And, today, I managed to get a little basic selfcare in too. That's been a struggle for me lately as well. But, teeth are brushed, face is washed and moisturized, and meds have been taken. Oh and I brushed my hair and braided it! At this rate I might even do make up tomorrow. 

Well, time for bed. Mr. Thorin needs some cuddles and I really need to sleep if I am going to get up and get a painting done tomorrow.   

I'm just really sad and want/need a little time with it and why I sometimes wish I wasn't here.

 

Tolkien created a beautiful world. It has its downsides, all worlds do else there wouldn't be a story, but the few bright stars who are good and honorable, the ones like the Hobbits and Aragorn, Legolas, Gimili and yes even Boromir, and Gandalf, make his world the kind of place I wish I could live in. Sadly, it is fantasy and more depressing is that this world will never be like it. Maybe, once upon a time, long ago, long before Henry the 8th, Julius Ceaser, and further back... Or maybe it never has been and jokes on us. But this is not a new thought or revelation to me. I've always known most people were shit, most people are self serving and ugly, and if you find good ones like Aragron, they are rare. But again, people are human and it is the way it is and all you can do is expect the worst and hope for the best. 

Today. Is. Not. One. Of. Those. Days. Today... today I would sit back with nice cold glass of water, a hand fan with my cats in my lap, my wife and closest friends, choice family next to me and watch this entire world burn and not to do a damn thing to stop it. At least that's what I'd like to think. It certainly appeals to the need for vengeance. 

I've read some shit lately that, if even one hint of it is true- and as more time passes, it's looking more and more like it is true- yes I will be cryptic- then my inner need for vengeance is screaming and raging and flipping tables and lighting fires. I am sure some of that will abate with time. Maybe it won't. But right now I just want to be angry. I just want to wallow in it and decide what to do with it all tomorrow or the next day. 

That reading aside, I have other reasons to want to rage like Grog. There is a person in my local community who is very sick. I used to try and put myself in her shoes, to sympathize with her life struggles, the abuse she says she's suffered. I got red flags early on, having grown up around some very questionable people, but I quieted it, trying to give her some space to settle down because of all the shit she was dealing with and all that stuff was A LOT!  I wouldn't expect anyone to be completely sane after just the medical shit let alone the abuse she said she's lived through. However, everything imploded when another friend set a boundary that was repeatedly ignored. Hell, I set a quiet boundary that was blatantly ignored time and time again. Since then, this individual has behaved like a stalker, tried to get to the one who set the boundary through other people and any avenue she could, involved people who have no idea what the hell is going on 'to make them fix it'. She has no remorse, refuses to take responsibility for her actions and its sick. 

A cease and desist order has been issued. It's really fucked up. I told my wife, who is frankly shocked that this is even happening, that she hasn't actually had to deal with real crazy and I know why that is. I am a whale with resting bitch face and when I dress in my goth clothes and make up, people find me scary or at least unapproachable. But she scares a lot of people away with her loud, spazzy antics. Crazy wants stable, not competition. So we've been fortunate to not have had to run into it in long time. Never thought I would ever think of my wife's brand of silly, obnoxious, antics as the perfect shield, but here we are and yes, I chose this and had 10 years to bail but still married her anyway. I guess I actually love her.  But all levity aside, this too makes me sad because it's getting a little scary and frightening to see the friend who laid the boundary have to deal with this all while dealing with so much of her own stuff. Boundary friend has had some heavy losses, is dealing with losing a family member as we speak mentally and physically, and has a very depressed other family member. 

Which leads me to another sadness. I am sad for the loss of a friendship that, in public view is still there and loving, but that I know is a complete lie. I've been deeply hurt by this friend, many times. I know it is my responsibility to speak up, but I have been very afraid to say anything, even thinking that I would be making something out of nothing. I gaslit myself out of fear and years of societal conditioning from shitty people. I will take responsibility for not speaking up, but, if myself or my wife were as important to said friend as they said we were- and they said we were family, which to me is pretty fucking important, then why ignore us? Why invalidate our existence to our faces? Why blow us off and cancel repeatedly?  And I thought I was just being too sensitive, that this friend is very busy and I just need to be chill and be that chill friend who isn't a bother, but they've done it to three other friends and are now doing it another friend and even being just plain mean. It's not just us. Given what I know about this person and the shit they've dealt with, I understand, to a certain degree, the how and why some of this is happening, but still... its upsetting to watch someone else go through the same questions, the same confusion, and the same hurt. I told said friend, 'you know, in a few years from now or maybe several down the line, they will be lonely and won't have any friends left. And that's on them. We may not have done everything we could, but we can only do as much as we have the energy for and it's a fucking two way street". The façade of laid back, easy going perfection isn't worth burning bridges and friendships.

I have some other frustrations and anger over some political shit happening in this country and the disgusting lack of basic knowledge and the willful and deliberate continued ignorance of the people who run this country and that is on both sides of the fucking isle. Your ignorance is not your fault but it is most certainly your responsibility to fix it. Especially when we live in a day and age with libraries and the internet. Don't you dare tell me what I can and cannot do with or to my body when you don't even know how it fucking works. There is a lot more to that and at least a baker's dozen other issues I could get into, but I won't for now.

My last three sad/ scary things of the day are- no make that 4. The first is that I am sick and that makes me more prone to whining. But I am going to try and get into the doctor for what I think is a chest cold. While I might look some shit up online, I always present it to my doctor and defer to them. Like "I think it might be this, yes, I googled my symptoms, but you went to school and I want your opinion and would like your help to make it better please and thank you".  I actually have a really good doctor right now and I very much appreciate her.  

Okay the 2nd last sad/scary thing. My Grandma has been having some black out spells. She is 95 years old and has had them before. She and my Dad landed in the cardiologist's office and after a 2 and half hour wait, the surgeon came in and told her he thinks she doing everything she can do that is right and to keep on doing what she is doing- taking the best care of herself that she can, resting, monitoring blood pressure and so on. He said he could do a suggested surgery on her but given that she 95 and as we age our hearts get weaker and more fragile, he truly believed he stood a greater chance of losing her on the table than actually helping her. He did say he would do the surgery if she really wanted it. She didn't. They thanked him for his honesty and left.  I know my Grandma has been without Grandpa for several years now and I know she is 95 and we don't have much time with her left, still doesn't make it easy knowing she'll leave us soon as well.  I also pissed her off by telling her I would fight God I would fight him to keep her. She was not impressed. 

And that brings me to my Mom. She had a really bad episode. Dad said she was out longer this time and when she came out of it, she wasn't totally back yet. She could get up and go to the bathroom on her own, but all he could get her to say was that she was okay. But she watched the cable menu screen all day. He said he told the doctor today that he hasn't looked it up, he's in denial- with understandable reasons-, and scared and worried that she may have Alzheimer's. He doesn't know for sure but he said that it's like she just slowly slipping away. That's not my Mom. She doesn't give up. She is a stubborn bitch and will fight tooth and nail. I told him that she told me that she is afraid that when she has these episodes she won't wake up again and it's just now dawning on me that's why she fights going to bed. Probably. It;s fucking scary. No one knows what's wrong. I honestly believe she's had a stroke but no doctor will agree. They say there isn't evidence. If you look at her fucking face, the left side droops a little. Her behavior changed. If not a stroke, then at least some kind of brain injury of some kind. None of this is normal! Never mind that my grandfather had a stroke and if the EMTS hasn't seen him having it, there wouldn't have been any evidence of it by the time they got to the hospital.  Anyway, my Dad said, at this point, he is grasping at straws. The PCP doctor has never seen anything like this. The neurologist exhausted every resource he could before giving up. 

So, yeah. I wish these things weren't happening. I wish I wasn't slowly losing my Grandmother to old age, my mother from who the fuck knows with the medical community saying idk and slamming the door in our faces due to lack of money, and people just suck. I still hold to that if I could live in Rivendell, I would. There are Elves, books, swords, beautiful waterfalls and trees, and they fucking eat vegetables! I wouldn't mind a jaunt to Lolthlorien, the Shire, and even Mirkwood. Could do without the giant spiders though. 

Raw hands, stomach, and a little Wammawink

Wammawink from Centaurworld. 

Why have I been awake since 2 am? Why do I nearly always wake between 2 and 3 in the damn morning? To pee, usually. It's obnoxious, especially since we are a one bathroom house and said bathroom is downstairs. So then I ask myself, is it worth it to get up and go down, do the business, and come back up? Because you can bet I will be wide awake by the time I get back up here. Well, despite telling myself that, no, it isn't worth it this morning, my bladder thought otherwise and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Of course that isn't the only reason, I'm having a fibro flare as well and since I sprained the MCL in my right knee that's be just lovely. There's yet another reason but I will get to that in a few. Such fun! But moving on.

A friend of mine had a birthday recently. He loves Wammawink from Centaurworld- a crack show if I ever saw one and also what my wife says her brain is like. I do enjoy the show and like several of the songs. In fact, there's one that just about makes me cry every time I hear it. When comparing ourselves to the characters, my wife is Glendale, and I am Becky Apples. Do with that what you will. Anyway, I digress. Knowing this friend loves Wammawink and everyone agrees he is, I decided to make him some Wammawink watercolor art. Of course I forgot to take a picture of it. I do have the line art still, though. He liked it so much he hung it on the wall right away. 

Tis the prime season for my hands to hate the world. I'm a little bit of an overzealous handwasher. I can't say obsessive, it's not that serious, but I do tend to wash my hands twice when finished in the bathroom, if I get sticky stuff or oily stuff on them, or when I've been cleaning. I also do dishes and cook a lot and given that I used to work in food service several years back and also a day care and we had the pandemic... My damn hands are raw! Again! Yes, this happens several times a year. My wife gave a hand salve for Christmas and I don't think it helps much. I have hand creams and lotions but when you hyper focus most of the day on various other things... Sometimes you forget, at least until your hand are itchy and sore or when you are washing your hands again, doing dishes, ect... It sucks!

On to the other reason I am up this early. I have GERD and I am often nauseated. In fact, since my doctor took me off omeprazole because new research says its bad for people long term- I've been on it so long I can't even remember when I was first prescribed it- I've been having a great deal more trouble. Since water gives me heartburn, my doctor's suggestion of diet change to help alleviate the issue had me rolling my eyes mentally. I'm self-aware enough and pay enough attention that I know which foods to avoid that really kick the heartburn off. And since I don't have a gallbladder anymore, I can't do a lot of greasy foods. It's not so much the heartburn anyway, its the fact that I get so nauseous. Lately, I've been throwing up for no good reason, usually first thing in the morning. No, I cannot possibly be pregnant, I had a full hysterectomy a few years ago and given that I am strictly monogamous and married to a woman... well.  Anyway, I am to see a dietician and my doctor again later in the month. We are trying to deal with this and she wants to try me on the medication like Wegovy for weight loss and diabetic prevention. If you've been as heavy as me for as long as I have and nothing else has been working, fuck it, I'll try it.     

Enough of that bitching and on to something fun, at least for me. Magic happened. Real manifestation magic before I'd really tried to put much work into manifesting what I wanted. One of my goals this year is to write at least half of one of the novels I have been trying to write for years. It was a goal last year too, but I could not, for the life of me, write much. Some of it was we were busy. Some of it was I was too tried and worn out. Some of it was impostor syndrome and anxiety and depression. But this year, when I put it on my list and had been talking to a friend about wanting to really do it, she voiced that she wanted to get stuff written too, and suggested starting a writing group. So, I did. And at first I really struggled and it felt like I was ripping every word out of myself, but lately, its just happening. I still struggle, sure, I think every writer does, but I have 35 pages written- which doesn't seem like a lot, but I have been editing and rewriting as I go and instead of doom and gloom and tears, I'm excited to write and think about the story a lot. And, I feel 'normal-ish' again. Like this is where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing. It's really nice. Since this is something I went to school for and have been doing since I was 13, I've regained a sense of true normalcy that I haven't in years. And it really does feel like I am finally getting my sense of self and my life back.    

 

15 and 5, two weddings, the Munsters, sleep

 Above is the beautiful cake cousin Kat made for Selene and I for our 5th wedding anniversary. She organized our little back yard party too. It was a really nice affair complete with music, a fire in the fire pit, food, and friends. It's hard to believe it's already been five years. It feels like forever ago, but maybe that's because there was a lot of pain and dark depression surrounding that day and for a long while after. There was good stuff too, but often the bad outweighs the good for me until the emotions around it fade. I think it also feel like forever ago because Selene and I have been together for fifteen years. And odd as this sounds, our time together seems like forever and also "has it really been that long? doesn't seem like it".   But, I am happy to say that the pain and dark depression circumstances that made the actual days around our wedding have faded enough that I had a really good time and I was able to relax and enjoy it. Not that I didn't enjoy my wedding, I enjoyed the ceremony and loved all the people who came, still love them, it was just an equally hard time as it was a good one. 

At the beginning of the month, our friend Rachel got married to her long time boyfriend. Selene and I couldn't have been happier for them. We love them both and they are really good together. More than that, they have both become family. We are truly blessed to know them both. And we are extra happy because Rachel has been resistant to the notion of marriage. I won't go into why, but seeing her change her mind and realize that not all marriages are one way or another, has been cool. Not that I am saying everyone has to get married or should get married, to each their own, I just think its cool she did. 

Two days after our anniversary, our friend Bethy got married to her girlfriend Corey. Bethy and I have had our ups and downs, as all friends have, and we have been friends for as long as Selene and I have been together. Selene used to work at the high school where Bethy went to school and was friends with Selene's cousin. That's how we all met. It's been really interesting too see Bethy 'grow up' from her senior year of high school, her college years, living with us for a time- which so didn't work out- to now. Things aren't exactly easy for her but she's doing her best. And, she's found a very sweet and patient woman to spend the rest of her life with. The best part, Corey quietly calls her out on her shit, and I think that's good for Bethy. I think, in a way, it helps ground her. Best of all they talk, they talk about communicating with each other, they know things aren't going to be perfect, and they are both willing to do the work, which is one of the best tools they have in their tool box.  But aside from that, they asked me to do their make up for their special day and I was honored. 

After all the chaos and almost non-stop going of the last several weeks, I got a few days to just breathe. Of course, that meant that I slept a lot and I do mean a lot. I even fell asleep with coffee in my hand and spilled it all over myself. While I am a little sad I slept so much, I'm also not too broken up about it. My body needed that time to heal. Honestly, I could go for a nap right now, but I am holding off in favor of doing some things for myself today amidst getting a little house work done and trying to figure out when to set up the kitchen remodel and so on... because things still need to be done. And, I want to try writing today. I really haven't done it, been too busy, too anxious, too scared to fuck it up, too scared I will disappoint myself because it's not good enough, ect...

But all of that aside, I did manage to see Rob Zombie's "The Munsters". It wasn't bad. I don't think anything will be as good as the original series and no one can truly be Lily Munster like Yvonne de Carlo. Still, the movie was good. I had to watch it 3 times before I saw it all the way through-because I kept falling asleep. It's a prequel movie, a how Herman and Lily came to be together and how they moved to America. Rob Zombie, I think, did a good job in keeping as true to the original as possible while adding his own flare. I enjoyed it.  

Enumclaw and Witch's Night Out...

 

Enumclaw is a nice little Washington town set not too far from Tacoma with forest and mountain views. There are lots of neat little shops in the downtown area, one of which is called Roaring Underground. It's a cute shop with some vintage clothing, trinkets, souvenirs, and so on, but the back of the shop has a speakeasy. No, really, it does, you have to have a password to get in for drink! The lovely ladies who own and run this shop do the Magical Northwest events and the very one that puts on Witches Night Out! Right next door to Roaring Underground is a shop called Magickal Earth, a store that has crystals, tarot, herbs, incense, and more. And not too far from downtown is a little café called Charlie's Cafe. Their breakfast was amazing, the staff are super sweet, and the whole restaurant is just super cute and homey. 

Why am I telling you about these places? Well, because I was a vendor at this event, this year. It was fun, an experience, and I am glad I got to meet these people and see how they do things. I say this not just as a vendor but also a board member for Northwest Pagan Fest. I am always observing how people do things so I can decide if their way is better or something they do could work for me or not. 

As a vendor, I didn't do so well, at least, not as an out of town vendor. I made just enough to cover the vendor fee and my hotel stay. I am okay with that. I learned some things, had some fun, and I got to ride the ferry again- because we didn't just hang out in Enumclaw, we went to Bremerton, Kent, and other places. (places like Sweet Kitty Anime, Daiso, Tokyo Lifestyle, Helm's Deep Tavern, The Naval Museum)

The downside of the event, and this is in no way a criticism of the people running it, I think they did a wonderful job. The downside is that a sizeable portion of the customers of the event are very "Normie, Crunchy Mom" and less pagan/wiccan.  As an event for the community, it was a success and something that is really good for the area. I am really sad that there was an asshole in a truck revving his engine as he sped by several times a night. I am sad that people came to an event like that and were annoyed about actual pagan/wiccan/ witchy things were for sale- yeah, I had several of those- which is kind of funny since I was set up right across from a pagan shop. What the hell were you expecting? 

Anyway, over all it was good. 

The Belleview Bathroom Incident

I had to pee. I wasn’t going to make it to cousin Mike’s house, who lives in another town along our path to head home. We were in a shopping area and had been in Daiso for a while. I realized I needed to use the bathroom but they didn’t have one open to the public. Cousin Kat had to go to the sporting goods store find something for her mother. She also had to use the bathroom but I was pretty sure if I got out of the car I would need a short path to the toilet. I didn’t want to get all the way into the store only to have to book it back to the car because the bathroom was closed or not open to customers. It’s a movement issue. If I stay put, I can hold a little longer and hang in there on the superfast- almost run (I don’t run) waddle to the toilet. But…

Something has happened in our society. We don’t seem to care when others need to use the bathroom. I understand no one wants to clean up after a homeless person because they may or may not trash the facilities or use drugs. I understand covid has also made it so people don’t want to open bathrooms to the public. But when a person needs to pee. Let them fucking pee!

Anyway, so, we waited for Kat. She was fast. Things were beginning to get a little painful for me and she reported that the distance to the bathroom was far. So, I decided, I’ll just drive to the Starbucks just down the street. This Starbucks… firstly, since when do coffee shops close at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon? They all used to be open until at least 8 pm if not later. But I digress, I parked, I got out of the car and speed waddled my fat ass into the store. I was almost to the bathroom when the manager and an employee walked out. She said to me “I’m sorry we close at 4.” I was confused but brushed it off and said. “Okay, can I just use the bathroom really fast?” I had wallet in hand, was nicely dressed, looked clean and was planning to buy something for using their facilities. Her response, “no, we close at 4.”  And she was bitchy about it. I didn’t have time for it, so I hurried out of the store. The kid behind the counter called after me, “have a nice day”. 

But it gets better. I hurried over to the Mc. Donald’s except their lobby wasn’t open. So, then I hurried to Subway just a hop away. The employee let me get all the way to the bathrooms and never said a damn thing, let me see the sign he’d put up about the bathrooms being out of service. I actually turned around, glared at him and said “Are you fucking serious, this is the 3^rd damn place!” And now I was about to pee myself, it was getting really painful, and I booked it to my car and hurried to a gas station and guess what?! Their bathroom was closed for remodeling. By this time, I knew for sure if I got out of the car again, I was going to pee and wouldn’t be able to stop it. And I was in tears and trying to decide if it was better to get arrested for pissing in public behind a bush or pee the driver’s seat and sit in it for the 4-5 hour long drive home.

Selene suggested the little Grocery Outlet next to the gas station and I told her I wasn’t getting out of the car just to have to it closed and not make it. She went in to check for me and then I booked it into the store and finally, finally, I got to pee. I was still so upset about all the other places, all of them so close together, in a well to do area, that I didn’t say anything to the employees on the way out of Grocery Outlet. I’m probably going to write them a thank you letter. I know it’s not really necessary, but I really think they need to know how much I appreciated them having an open bathroom.

As for that Starbucks, they didn’t have their door locked and I literally walked into their lobby at 4. I know this because my car clock in a few minutes fast and when I got back in the car, my clock said 2 minutes after 4. They will not be getting a good review from me.  I know people don’t owe me shit and I am not running around with some self-imposed sense of entitlement. However, when you gotta go, you gotta go no matter who or what you are, and public bathrooms are public for a reason. And if you’re a willing paying customer, it’s a no brainer. Hell, I would have cleaned the damn bathroom after me, for them if they had let me use it. No, really, I would have and I would have been quick about it and still bought coffee or a muffin or something.  

Now, will this stop me from shopping at Starbucks? No, just that location.  

This has be quick! Bats!!!!

I grabbed this from my pictures folder on my computer. Unfortunately, because I saved it so long ago I can't credit the photographer. So, just enjoy the bat. I'm really feeling the bats this year. I mean, I have always loved them, but I keep picking things that have bats on them and so on... 

This post has to be quick because it's 7:31 am and I really need to get to work. I have less than two weeks left to get my stock rebuilt for my store, and as a one woman show... It's all on me. However, that said, my wife and I have talked about me teaching her how to use two of my machines so she can help. She doesn't know how much I appreciate it. Maybe we will do some of that tonight. 

Northwest Pagan Fest was a huge success. I am on the board for the festival as secretary but I was also a vendor at the festival. I sold a lot of stock! Which is why it's crunch time for me as I have another event- just as a vendor- coming up. I will talk more about NWPF in a later post. For now, just know it was AMANZING! 

Selene's birthday went well. We doubled up with Fiona, a friend, since we all might be out of town for her birthday. So we listened to David Bowie, played Cards Against Humanity, ate cake and pizza. It was chill and a lot of fun. 

We sort of got the house in order for this. We still need to remodel the kitchen, but that is going to have to wait, I think, a bit longer. We just have so much coming. Two weddings, our 5 year anniversary party, my event out of town, a few little fall things, and some stuff at the end of the month. Early November is starting to look like its going to be the time we do this. And, surprise, the oven door broke again! Selene said fuck it to trying to fix it AGAIN and we caved, went to Lowes, and bought another one. They will deliver and haul away the old one. 

I am having a bit of a fibro flare today. I am not happy about it. I was almost a week without any kind of fibro symptoms, which is very rare. I am sure it is going to make sitting at the sewing machine a real joy, but I am going to do as much as I can, listen to Youtube vids as a distraction- I found some fun LOTR vids from Nerd of the Rings-, and just really try to get this stuff done. I've been making a game plan for the winter season so I am not so crunched next year. Especially since I would really like to do more in person events, but also because I would like to add more items to my shop, do some crafts for myself, and work to give myself a little more time for reading, writings, and self care. I have been utter shit at taking care of some of the basic things like brushing my hair every day, lately. Part of that is depression and fibro, but part of it is that I just work until its time to do dinner and then I have a couple of hours with Selene and Kat and then I usually fall asleep watching TV. Then Selene has to wake me up and make me go to bed. I don't really enjoy that cycle, so I'm trying to break it. 

Anyway, I do have to get to work and at some point write very overdue letter. 

 

She's my Mom, but not.

 

Izumi Curtis From Fullmetal Alchemist.

In much the same way my Mom is a lot like Izumi Curtis- that take no shit, will kick your ass if you cross her, but would also sacrifice whole parts of her self to bring her child back from death, she is not Izumi, and she's less and less the mother I grew up with. To say it's been upsetting is an understatement and while I know some parties would basically tell me it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it- my Dad included- it doesn't meant that isn't heart breaking. That is doesn't leave me wracking my brain with questions of "how do I help", "how do I fix this", and or, "is there anything can be done to make this easier on, at least my Dad"?  

Some time ago, I'm not even sure when, covid really kind of blurred time for me a bit, not just in me having it earlier this year, but the whole pandemic- my Mom's episodes got drastically worse. I've been down to visit them and each time she is worse than she was before. But, in one of her episodes in the last several years, she had a stroke. While the doctors can find no evidence of it- not that that means anything, because my Grandpa had one and had the paramedics not seen him have while taking him to the ER, they wouldn't have known he was having one or had one. There is other evidence denoting a stroke in that one side of her face sags a little and her behavior changed. Strokes run in her family. Her mother had one but her maternal grandmother, my Great Grandma Early, had nine. I don't know about anyone else in the family, I wasn't as into genealogy when my mother's grandparents were still alive and I didn't know them very well. I only saw them twice before they died. (I did like them though and Great Grandpa and I shared a birthday)

My Mom isn't really a selfish person, not in the way most people would think. She could be ever once in a great while, but at the same time, she wasn't completely. She is now. It's like something broke in her brain and there is no filter, no buffer, and if she knew how she was behaving and some of the things she's said, I know she would be ashamed of herself. 

It's not all bad and she's not turned into some monster. You see it more in conversation and some of her actions. Today, she was pissed that her soap opera was being interrupted because Queen Elizabeth the II died and the media outlets are covering it. Yes, it is huge news, its going to get covered, but my Mom said "She wasn't my queen, I don't care, I want to watch my show". Which before, she'd still be annoyed by the media circus, but there would be some note of sadness for the family at least and a note of respect for the dead (unless they were a monster, which Queen Elizabeth II wasn't). 

You can see it in the arguments between her and my Dad over when she goes to bed. She says she's an adult, which is true, but if Dad doesn't get her to go to bed and have at least 6-8 hours of sleep, the likelihood of her triggering an episode goes up substantially. Which means he has to stay home to take care of her and miss work, which puts them in financial stress. Honestly, it is a mess of a cycle and she's not able to see the correlation anymore. Yes, she still has episodes even if she gets sleep, but they aren't as frequent and sometimes, not as bad.  Before she could be reasoned with. But without that filter, she can't seem to make the connections. And her OCD is compounded! If she decides she is going to do something, there isn't anyone or anything that is going to stop her. That said usually Dad can talk her into not doing whatever it is she wants to do, but if she'd in the lead up to an episode, he can't. He tries.

Her memory isn't as good as it used to be, which is also a worry.  

It's always in the littlest ways that it sneaks up. I'm now afraid to talk about much with her and guard my conversations. I don't talk about a lot of what we've been up to, mostly if we've gone shopping for something, because she say 'yeah, we need to get this and that and..." and there is a laundry list of stuff that they may or may not need and she starts to obsess over it where she wouldn't have before. I don't talk about some of the vents we go to or help organize because I don't want her to let it slip to Grandma, my Dad's Mom who is 94, that I am Pagan and not Christian. We've already had an instance this year of her freaking out over Selene and I being married and let's just say it was upsetting.

And today she was after me to mail a dragon necklace she sent me home with, back to her. She doesn't have much, but she does have some nice things she wants to pass on to me when she dies (my whole family talks about stuff they are passing on, it's morbid AF, but I am so used it, it hardly phases me much any more, and I always tell them I would much rather have them over stuff) and she'd chosen that to be jewelry. Anyway, we do a sort of swap share thing where we will swap necklaces or earrings for a time, usually a couple of years, and then trade again next time we meet up. We're probably not going to meet up for several more months. I don't mind doing it.  

Also today, she was fussing at me to embroider 'something' for her. Usually she calls it her 'dragon shirt like Shi-chan's (my cousin)', because she likes it so much. She was even talking about paying me. No, she'd not going to pay me, I won't let her. I've just been super busy, which she would know if I told her half the stuff I am doing. I told her I would get to it soon. Sooner than she thinks. 

But every once in a while she has some really good days where she's almost who I grew up with. And then the next time I talk with her, reality slaps me in the face. 

I am mourning the person she was, it seems like all the time, off and on. I am frustrated that neither of my parents will let me help them. I've offered to sell my house and move back home and baby sit my Mom while she has episodes so Dad can work. I've tried offering to help with disability paperwork, but they have applied and apparently don't qualify. They also can't afford to get the medical documentation- the further medical documentation they need to get it. They have gone as far as their limited income and my grandma's help can take them, and we're just in limbo watching her get worse. She actually confessed that she is afraid she's going to have a bad episode and not wake up. That's scarry for me and I can't imagine what it would be like for her, scared I don't think covers it. I'm not going to get into my frustration and anger with her doctors. 

Her neurologist and primary care physician at least have some decency. The neurologist dropped her, not because he didn't want to help, but because he doesn't know anything more, exhausted his resources, tried everything he could think of, and didn't want to keep charging them money he knew they really couldn't afford. He talked with mom's pcp at length over everything and wished them the best. Which is more than any other doctor I've seen do in a long time. Mom's pcp is doing what she can as well, but no one knows what is causing these episodes or even what they are. They have never seen anything like it. They even thought, once, it might have be psychological, because brains are weird and complicated. But they aren't sure because the working theory for that isn't exactly panning out. 

Whatever this is, all I do know for sure, is that my Mom isn't getting the adequate health care she needs and I'm truly scared she's going to die because of it. And I am scared my Dad will just fall apart. And in the meantime, this is what we are given. There is no lesson to be learned from this and I don't think everything happens for a reason. I don't think Mom's childhood is causing it, or that she did something bad in a past life that she's paying for karmically. Shit just happens and usually to good people, who don't deserve it. It fucking pisses me off. It's the biggest injustice of the universe and today, I think the universe can go fuck itself. 

Weight, doctors, and the naked house

 

My little house is naked- don't mind the furniture, we have set that out as 'free' and have actually already shed a few items already. Anyway, we hired a company to come out and take down our dead and dying pine trees. They had been attacked by pine beetles and that was a problem before we purchased the house 5 years ago. The grass is dead, which annoys me, but we can't seem to figure out where to turn on the water for the front outside faucet. We've had a couple friends look, my father-in-law, and nope. 

But, I suppose it works in our favor because now that the trees are down, we're going to deal with the stumps, rake all of the pine needles and mulch out, and next year, plant some roses and or ferns, and Selene (aka Amanda), wants two weeping cedars to frame the house. We're looking at non-grass options that don't have to be watered all the time as well. But not gravel or concrete. we have enough concrete that heats up and makes the house hotter in summer. And we are replacing that bullshit of an excuse hand rail the previous owners installed to pass the FHA inspection. Of course I want to set up a couple more bird feeders so the cats have 'tv'. I am a bit sad they can't bitch at the squirrels in the mean time. We had two that would chase each other up and down one of the trees and the cats lots their shit over it. 

On to doctors and weight. I've heard so many things about weight and weight loss over the years and I've had so many 'helpful' people try to push diet schemes on me or 'advice', enough to make my head spin. I've read 'scientific evidence' articles- usually associated with diet plans to make them sell and some real science, heard speculation on phycological factors, genetic factors, ect... But what my ex-doctor and Selene's current doctor told her makes me ACTUALLY want to drive over to his office and just punch him. 

When I had him as a doctor, he was on me from day one about my weight and seeing the nutritionist. And it was basically his mantra for every visit regardless of what I was actually seeing him for. He is from Vietnam, hates the American diet, and is a little twig of a man. I always tried to remember that every time I saw him, and just let shit roll off, especially when he'd do the doctor/mansplain thing over EVERYTHING. Eventually, I got sick of it because he wasn't actually doing anything to truly help me. I guess that's what you get when you go to them more affordable 'community health' clinic. Still, he was refilling my blood pressure medicine- of which I am on the lowest dose and am working to be off of. Oh and he stopped prescribing my heartburn meds, which really aggravated me in that I have GERD and literally water gives me heartburn and without those meds I am sick all the time and can't eat. But long term use of that medication is really not good for your stomach and has caused some big problems. But he wouldn't give me anything else as a measure to deal with the GERD. 

Anyway, I asked for a female doctor, because I wasn't getting anywhere with that guy, and I wanted to talk to someone who actually had 'female' issues. I was never given hormone replacements after my hysterectomy because "you're fat and fat stores estrogen, you'll be fine". But am I? Have I been? Is that really the right thing to do? Anyone I've talked too is surprised. New female doctor was too when she heard that and said she was going to investigate it. That was several months ago and I haven't heard anything from her. So, I'm guessing she got busy and forgot, which is fine, the way people are funneled in and out of the clinic, its a wonder they remember their own names. Oh and she too, wanted me to see the nutritionist.

So, when looing to set up nutritionist visits not just for myself but Selene as well, we ran into a problem. There is 1, for all the clinics in the city. He only works 2 days of the week and both those days and the time bracket he works in is when Selene works. That's really stupid. And more than that, we already know that he's going to tell us, and it's stuff I've been frighting with her to implement for YEARS! Last night she was lashing out at me because of what her doctor said- which I will get to in a minute- and the fact that she didn't think there were enough carbs in dinner. There were plenty. I cut up 6 fingerling potatoes to toss roast with carrots, bell peppers, and chicken. Even the seasoning packet had a few carbs in that it had a little sugar in it. I kept the eggplant and mushrooms on the side for me. But she thought we needed rice or more potatoes. We really didn't and I wouldn't budge. Besides, she got fresh fruit after dinner.

So when I asked about why she was lashing out, keep in mind her last doctor's visit was 2 months ago, she told me. (You'd think, after 15 years together her communication would be better, ha ha, think again). She said he told her people are fat because of sexual trauma. Excuse me?! While that might be the case for some people, it is certainly NOT the case for her and many others. He is completely ignoring any and all other factors, just threw out a blanket assumption- which was WRONG- without doing any proper investigating. That makes me want to scream! 

I know why she's fat. Her parents both have eating disorders that stem from scarcity of food growing up. Her mother doesn't want to cook anything unless it is easy and or generally comes from a box. Her Dad doesn't really cook much of anything but is a goat. Her general diet growing up consisted mainly of carb loaded foods that were bland and she, like her parents, has a monster sweet tooth. When we got together, she thought mashed potatoes came from a box. She didn't know you could cut the potatoes, boil them, and then mash them. She could eat a whole package of cookies, by herself, in one sitting. By the time I came into the picture both her parents were diabetic and chugging down diet sodas like they were lost in the desert and any water was toxic. AND she's been on various depression medications since she was in her early teens. She's been 'warned' by her mother that she'd going to be prediabetic and diabetic for YEARS if she doesn't eat better. Kettle black. And more than that, thanks for putting that out in the universe. THAT is why she is fat. Not sexual trauma. 

As a doctor he should know better. And as a doctor, he should know that a vast number of the medications he prescribes all have, among many other not so stellar side effects, the side effect of weight gain- especially if it is one of the more common depression medications. But, because I do a little of my own research and look at side effects of medications when prescribed so I know the positives and negatives of taking the medication and also know that doctors are trained to 'treat fat first' instead of the actual problems, and have had nothing but a string of doctors who refuse to actually listen to me for over the last decade about my fucking period until I started taking picture of my crime scene bathroom and ended up in the ER and having that doctor mansplain me but take a blood test and come back to eat his fucking words and tell me- uh yeah, you're actually bleeding to death, you might want to get that hysterectomy fast tracked and then learned that I had precancer... *Silent rage scream in head* Here we are. And don't even get me started on the lack of care my mother is paying NOT to have for her health problems. 

I don't like doctors anymore. I don't really trust them. They make assumptions. They don't listen. And they also don't work with you to find proper solutions. they just want to throw a band aid on the problem and shoo you out of the office so they can do the same for the next patient and so on and so forth. It is disgusting. but our health care system isn't health care, it is health profit and keeping people miserable and fat, keeps them dependent on that system. We are all cash cows for them. 

I haven't ranted/vented like this on a blog for a long time. Kind of feels good to get frustrations out, but it doesn't really change anything. Selene needs a new doctor and we're going to try and get her one soon. I also want to see about getting a different one, not at the clinic. I am thankful the cost of visits at the community health clinic have been more affordable- we are private pay because it is actually cheaper for us to just pay out of pocket than pay for health insurance- but we really do just need to suck it up and go to regular doctor's office again. We both got better care that way. Besides, we don't need to go to the doctor that often. We've been fortunate in that regard. Mostly we go once or twice a year for check ins. Again, I am grateful for that. And it's not like we don't put forth any effort toward our weight loss goals. We do actually. We could do better, but, like all people, we could do better with everything in life.    

Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, working, sushi, power outtage, I'm so tired.

I can't get over how beautiful this piece is. Apparently it used to be on sale on Displate but is no longer but the artists name is Jesperish. I will be looking for them more thoroughly later. For now, enjoy!

I've done a thing. I am not usually a person who eats seafood. I'm allergic to shell fish and don't really like the taste and texture of most fish. I do like tuna and salmon though. But I got adventurous- it really was for the sauce and a bit of mild curiosity- and tried a caterpillar roll which has unagi (eel) in it. It was okay. I almost cried at one point, but it was good. I really do love the sauce. Apart from that, I pretty much will eat veggie and fruit sushi and sushi with cooked salmon or tuna in it. 

Saturday was the day of sushi exploration. Kat and Selene talked me into taking a break from work to go to the MAC (museum of arts and culture) which I will make a later post about. I have lots of pictures! Saturday was also the day that we came home and lost power, in fact, several sections of the city lost power thanks to the heat, dust, and a little rain- or so the power company said. And the power didn't come back on until 11:30 pm. Selene and I had already gone to bed, which was fine. What wasn't fine was the fact that some idiots decided to break in and vandalize the red house across the street from us. We couldn't see them and with the way things echo on our street, we couldn't really tell where the noise was coming from. It was kind of scary. Our neighbor's kid told us the next morning that they had come home and seen the perps in the act and called crime check and the police said they would come out only they didn't. So that's fun! 

I've been working pretty much all day, every day, for the last week or so, sometimes working 9-12 hours days with some breaks scattered throughout. I can't just sit all day, my body won't allow it. And it has been very exhausting.  I am so tired and don't feel like I am getting much accomplished. 

On to the more important bit. I have watched the first 2 episodes of the Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. I don't hate it and if I pretend that its something else (as in not Lord of the Rings) I am excited for it. It doesn't have the same feel or tone. Close but not quite. That may change the further the series progresses. Still, I am enjoying it and do want to see more.

Because ELVES DAMNIT! 

And I really like seeing the Elven Cityscapes. And I do want to see more of young Elrond. The social structure of the elves seems... odd? There was something that threw me a little and I need to go back and re-watch it to see if I missed something or if it really is odd. As a side note, Selene found a "which LOTR character are you based on your Zodiac" thing. Mine is Galadriel! Hers was Gimli. 

Well, back to work.

 

 

Vending with the Fae and Moving from Dragons to Elves.

 

Not sure who did this art, I will look more in depth later, because, damn, it's good! 

Blogging became a distant notion last week as I worked to make more items for my store. I was gearing up for the 1st annual Fairy Festa, which was amazing. Had I not been a Vendor, I still would have gone. That said, even as a Vendor, I had a lot of fun seeing people's costumes, mushroom hats, fairy wings, dragon face paintings, ect... My vendor spot was actually right next to an old friend's and we squealed like girls when we realized we would be next to each other. That's not something I usually do, but it was really awesome. So I got to catch up with her and while she did tarot readings, I sold my wares.  I actually had a bit of panic when I surveyed my tables at the end of the event. I'm down a lot of merch and that is great! But I'm a one woman show and there are only so many hours in the day before the next event. And then only so many before the one after that. Still, I couldn't start work this week until new bobbin thread came in the mail. Yes, I did that on purpose, instead of going to Joann's, to give myself a little break. 

I am still invested in the new Game of Throne's show. I watched the new episode tonight and was not disappointed. A bit grossed out on two occasions, but I got to see Dragons so I was appeased. Speaking of, I had a really weird dream featuring Matt Smith, who plays a Targaryen in the show. He looked like his roll but he was not that character. It got really weird and when I was recalling it this morning, it got me to thinking about one of the stories I have been 'on again off again' working on for the last couple of years. It's an elf story and it was so much in the forefront of the thoughts today, that I had a little trouble focusing on other things. And now, I just want to spend all night writing but am much too tired. I took some notes and decided to do this blog post that way I get a little writing done but am less likely to lose it if I fall asleep at the computer.

And apparently, I have elves on the brain bad lately. 

Side note, I did one of those DNA kits and have been working on building my family tree- one section has already been done for me, but there is much more that needs to be done. Anyway, spent a hour or so searching through the Dawes Rolls looking for ancestor names of mine that might be listed as part of the Cherokee tribe. Haven't found anyone yet but there are 911-915 pages of lists, so it will take some time, especially because I am looking for different surnames and am not even sure these are the right people. I really do need to contact some of my Mom's family to see if I am following the right lines, but I hear they are crazy and that makes me a bit nervous. 

Anyway, I am going to be very busy for the next several weeks with work for my store and with more Northwest Pagan Fest planning and coordination. I'm not sure when I will get any writing done, or reading, but I'm going to make it part of my self care, I think. 

For now, I am going to bed. 

So many Dragons and attempting to blog again after almost 3 years

 

A lot has happened in the last couple of years and I'm not sure where to begin. So, maybe I'll start with dragons. I'm reading, at a snail's pace, The Hobbit. A friend lent it to me because the last time I had seen the actual text, I was pretty little and my Dad was reading it to me before bed every night. Of course, I enjoy the movies, the music and Smaug is one sexy beast! But, reading it as an adult is a fun adventure- when I remember to pick up the book. Normally, reading isn't a problem for me. Okay, I'll admit that I have had some struggles with some books in that they have actually put me to sleep- there were two in college and one in high school (I am looking at you My Antonia). Some of the books on Kindle have had pacing issues or maybe the story wasn't holding me- which I feel it is important to note that I have a high tolerance for a great deal and more so for the tedious and slow moving story, depending, more so than most people I know. 

Anyway, my struggle is not any of those things with the Hobbit, Tolkien is the kind of word porn that I enjoy. It is simply that I have been busy and set the book down and it got moved into the office/craft room, and just recently discovered where it had been tucked away to. The Hobbit is now out where I can see it and the sooner I get to read about one of my favorite arrogant dragons, the happier I will be- especially given events as of late. 

The second dragon item is that I started the Game of Thrones: House of the Dragon series tonight. I was not happy with how Game of Thrones ended. I could rant about that forever and a day, but I think that is best saved for another time. I am tired and its getting close to my bed time. Yes, I know how the story is going to go and like Rogue One of Star Wars, we get the gist. However, I do enjoy the court/political intrigue and well, DRAGONS! 

My third dragon item is that Selene- aka Amanda, aka my wife, and I, along with two cousins and a couple of friends, have been playing D&D A LOT! I'm finally getting to have characters that start at level 1 and actually level up, not just one level, but several. I'm finally getting to see what higher level characters are like, actually enjoy a story, learn more about and how to play the game. I understand some games fizzle out, but damn, it was disheartening. I tend to get excited and invested. If the character dies during session, fine, I will get over it, and that's one thing, but the whole campaign? That's shit. Unless the people who are playing are shit, but there are horror stories about that kind of thing on the internet. 

On a slightly shifted dragonesque topic, I've made some D&D and dragon centric things for my Etsy store. If anyone remembers, I kept talking about wanting to start a store. I finally did it! It is called Shadow Fox Witchery. I will most likely talk about the store more in depth later. Anyway, I embroidered two dragon designs on tote bags today. And I spent half my day ironing. Which leads me to the next topics. 

We've been busy. I didn't think the pandemic was going to take much toll on me, not like it did for a lot people. I'm introverted so staying home wasn't too out of the norm for me. Selene's work moved to remote- work from home- during the pandemic and that has now become permanent. We did get Covid and it was awful. I had had a fever so high I probably should have gone to the hospital, but we managed it. Our sleep schedules were sufficiently screwed up for a long time, and the Covid really took a toll on both our depression and anxiety. Then, trying to go back out into the world when things began to open up was a struggle. I am still ordering groceries online and picking them up. 

What's helped with that is that we have done some updates on our home. We redid the bathroom and are very shortly going to be redoing the kitchen. That has been a kind of a cluster fuck. We tried to do the online design thing with Lowes and the guy we were working with was okay, but he didn't stay within our budget and nothing was really going to change with the kitchen. Worse, everything is on back order and the wait time and how long we were going to be out of a serviceable kitchen was getting longer and longer. We can't not have a functioning kitchen for several months.  So, we went into our local store and just asked some questions of the kitchen designer there. We're doing this shit ourselves. She not only answered every question, talked us through how to do stuff we weren't sure about- because she's actually done it all herself, gave us resources, ect... And it was all significantly less than our max budget! We will be doing everything except the plumbing, that we need a plumber for, but we need one anyway to hook up the dishwasher and take a look at a leak in the basement. 

But we are having other issues with the house aside from a leak. Our oven door broke. Selene fixed it, twice. We are finally getting the pine trees removed in September and we were damn lucky that one a very windy day the one that fell miss both our car and Kat, our cousin's car, by mere inches. The fireplace was looked at and cleaned and has a great bill of health. However, when we tried to get two extra electrical outlets installed in the house, the electricians who came out to look into doing it, said we really shouldn't. And they were pissed for us. We have that great old knob and tube wiring. It hasn't really been too much of an issue until recently. The fuse for the main level blew four times tonight in the space of an hour. Apparently we can't have the ac running while the dishwasher is going and watch tv. Which is troubling, because we've done so just fine before. Odd combinations of stuff seem to trip it. Selene wanted to do solar panels on the roof not only to save on electric but to give us more of a buffer against the sun beating down on the roof. Because there's a good lack of insulation. I'm starting to think we are going to have to rewire the whole damn house sooner rather than later and am dreading that, especially if walls have to be torn into.

And if we get into more of the mundane problems, we spent a nice chunk of change on getting our car worked on. They were supposed to have fixed the ac in the mix of things we needed done. The front blows just fine, but the back is still blowing hot air, so they will be fixing that. And we have to take it back in, after this weekend, so they can replace the motor mounts and I forget what else they needed to do. 

Aside from dealing with all of those things. We have been to the Seattle area for vacation, albeit short and kind of packed full with places to go, it was so nice to get away. I forgot what a vacation actually felt like. Don't get me wrong, driving down to visit my family is a kind of vacation too, but it is stressful in that I'm the only viable driver out of Selene and I- we suspect she has narcolepsy but to be tested for it is so freaking expensive we can't afford it so she'll be getting no help for that anytime soon- and then there is the stress of family. I can't tell my Grandmother half of the things I do or am involved in, we don't discuss that Selene and I are married. My mother's health is worse than it has ever been, I'm certain she'd had a stroke, her episodes are so bad and she's afraid she will have one and won't wake up. My Dad is exhausted. Everyone is sure they can get some kind of help be it disability or medical help but every time my Dad does the paperwork, he makes too much on paper. I want to help, they won't really let me. Dad always has to work every time I am down there so I hardly get to spend time with him. My cousin Shi-chan is almost a shut in, her anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want to get into the drama of the rest of her family. I always leave a little more heartbroken and frustrated, defeated than when I arrived. But I still find my time with the people I love a treasure. 

As for the rest of it. We've been planning public community Sabbats with some friends, we joined a coven, are on the board and organizing Northwest Pagan Fest. Selene is still doing her Magickal Moot. I started doing my Pagans with disabilities support group again. I'm making stuff for my shop and vending every so often at public events. I will be at the Fairy Fiesta this coming weekend, Northwest Pagan Fest, and Witch's Night Out. Somehow we have managed to do some 'for the house' shopping to help us get better organized upstairs. The main level is next. Kat is working on the basement. We've watched some anime, tried some new places in town to eat at, played some D&D, and I have had a whole bunch of bad days intermixed from fibro flares, depression and anxiety, and being heat sick or exhausted. 

And I am not done. I've been looking at doing a podcast as well as a twitch channel. I thought about being a Vtuber, because it looks like a lot of fun and learning the set up to do looks fun too. Plus I really miss gaming.  The podcast is mostly just for fun, but hey, if it turns out to be even marginally successful, that's a bonus. 

AND I must be a masochist because I'm gearing up to really start writing again. I haven't been, not really. But last night I took 14 little notepad pages of notes for a short story I've wanted to turn into a book. Other stories I have let sit are flaring up again, and I'm just tired of wanting a thing and being too scared to do it. I'm sure, like with everything with me, it will be a slow crawl. But baby steps are better than no steps. 

Oh and lastly, I joined the Conqueror Challenges- The Lord of the Rings Shire one. I even ditched my old knock off fitbit for a real one. the old one wasn't actually counting my steps accurately, but the fitbit does and it is actually correctly logging my sleep- at least, it's getting the hours right. I don't know what crack my old one was on. Anyway, I am half way to Bree in the Challenge and when I get there, I will sign up for the next part of the journey. I'd probably be closer to the end if I'd had a real fitbit, but meh, it's fine, just means I will get more walking steps in. 

Well, I have written a small novel, probably riddled with grammatical and spelling errors aplenty that I won't bother editing- because I am lazy and actually trying to stay awake. I need to go to bed. 

So, see you later. 

Maybe. 

Hopefully. 

 

 

Been awhile, travel, plans failed, things won, hanging on in the current.

First Happy Halloween! Blessed Samhain! 

Hi, its been awhile and a lot has happened. Months have passed and I haven't really thought about blogging or keeping up with other's blogs, no offense to anyone. We've been very busy and sometimes I've felt like I was swimming against a many different currents. Lately, however, I'm kind of hanging out in the water, holding on to a rock, waiting for things to pass before I venture out again.  Today especially, I'm a bit apathetic. Or maybe numb and meh is a better way to describe it? Doesn't really matter, let's get to all the stuff!

Summer saw a lot of changes within my house. Amanda's (a,k,a Selene) parents moved out and a friend moved in. Said friend was dog sitting- or rather, I was dog sitting because said friend was working. Said friend also got two rabbits and eventually brought her cat and dog to live here. The dogs we were dog sitting finally went back to their owner after much stress, barking, half trampled garden, and accidents on my floor. 

Further into summer, I was a guest panelist at our local anime convention. I did a panel on the history of Bento boxes and another on Oiran vs. Geisha. I actually flew solo on these, which I haven't done in a long time. It was terrifying but fun and I would love to do it again next year and have some ideas for other panels. 

We held our own Tanabata festival at a local park and about 40 people came. We had a little Japanese festival food, some Japanese games, music, some activities entering on Japanese lore and mythology, and finally a nice wishing ritual at the end.

I broke out in hives from the sun and on the very day our roommate went to the ER because her arm went numb and she was suffering from severe pain in her neck and head, I got heat exhaustion from running another friend around town in the summer heat with no air conditioning in our car. The air conditioner quit and that made the rest of the summer errands miserable. I have never done well in the heat. 

I also started a support group for local pagans with disabilities and while the group is new and very small, I am happy there is some interest. 

The end of September took me back home to Kansas. I wanted to visit family before heading to Tulsa to help Amanda;s cousin move up to Washington. My Mother's health is declining and she's as OCD as ever. We think she may have had a stroke right before I flew down but she was so worried about the hospital bill that she checked herself out and wouldn't let the hospital run any tests to see. I was not happy. That could have aided in getting her disability which would get her the health insurance she needs. My Dad is overwhelmed and depressed. I did enjoy spending time with my parents despite the sad and aggravating stuff.  My mom wouldn't let me help much around the house and stopped me when I would try. We spent more time watching shows and movies.

I also visited my cousin Shi-chan. I missed and miss her so much. It was so nice to spend a little time with her. We played cards against humanity with her boyfriend and had pizza and just talked. 

Visiting Grandma went without saying and spent several days at her house. Grandma's in her 90s and her health isn't the greatest. She was really upset that we couldn't go out and do as much, but I didn't care. I was happy just spending time with her. We talked. I went through some things she wanted me to go through and took some she wanted me to have, although not much- there are reasons I don't want to get into right now. 

Next up was heading to Tulsa to get Cousin Kat. We drove 4 days in a Budget truck towing her car behind us. Or rather I drove and you know what, even the weather radar lied about snow in Montana- or was it Wyoming... Anyway it said the area we were driving through was clear, but it wasn't!

We made it home safely.

I had about two weeks (okay honestly, I'm not even sure if it was that long) before Amanda, her parents, and I were on the road to Seattle. We went to visit some family and do some 'harvest activities'. Which meant we loaded up to go to a big farm that had various actives and a pumpkin patch. Honestly it was beautiful and rainy and I enjoyed hanging out with the family.

This was one of the trucks decorated at the farm. 

Amanda's parents

 

Amanda and I

Since Amanda has her moot on our anniversary, we spent some time alone together in our hotel room. Nothing too exciting, just hanging out drinking coffee and tea while watching scary movies in bed. We also got out to do a little shopping at Uwajimaya and Diaso Japan in the international district. We went to Daiso in Bellevue as well.  And we went to the Tsubaki Grand Shrine of America for an afternoon. I really do love that place. The Shrine is tucked away in lush trees and green and sits beside a river. They've added a few more things since we were last there too. 

View of the main Shrine Building

Fox Guardian and a view of the river

Two of the main Shrine deities-  Sarutahiko-no-o-kami, and Goddess, Ame--no-Uzume-no-Mikoto. Ameterasu is enshrined there as well. 

We also saw Zombieland 2 and did some sorely needed clothes shopping.

Back home we held a Book-or-Treat at one of our local libraries. Basically, we did a Halloween pot luck party and told people to bring books they didn't want anymore. We had two tables full and lots of people brought tons of books like we did, some only brought a few, but I think everyone went home with something fun and new to read. The books that didn't get chosen were donated to the library. 

Since then I've gone to the gym, cleaned, had some bad fibro days, and have been trying to keep moving. I am tired, still don't have all my meds yet (waiting for one to be done at the pharmacy), and hurt. But today is Halloween and there are a couple of Day of the Dead celebrations we're going to, one for sure. And tomorrow Nanowrimo starts. I was excited for that. Right now, not so much, but I am hoping tomorrow I won't be so apathetic. Maybe the little Halloween get together will help tonight!