New experiences, books, doing stuff

Stephanie Pui Mun Law

I've had some interesting experiences as of late. My therapist told me to look her in eye and tell her that I hate her. I don't and the whole situation almost had me in tears. I couldn't do it. She told me if I couldn't tell her that, then I should't be saying it to myself. Yeah, I know that, but breaking all the negitive thoughts- the depression monster in my head- is going to be a long hard road. She also wants me to look in the mirror every morning and say "I want to love you". I tried it yesterday. I felt nothing. In fact, it felt kind of like a lie. This is going to be an uphill battle all the way.  I told Amanda I didn't know if I ever would completely love myself or my body. Not when I feel that my body has betrayed me so terribly. 

Speaking of my body. I think I am going to invest in a yoni egg. I'm really scared and worried about my pelvic floor. Apart from that I have had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Either my brain doesn't want to shut off or I've been in too much pain to get comfortable. Needless to say, I've not been either really sad or down right pissed. With that, I've also decided that I'm not going to wait any longer, it has been three months since surgery and if I am careful with exercise, I should be fine. I'm going to do some stuff sitting down and do some core strengthening on the sofa. It will have to be done slow and gently, but I have got to get control of things or I'm really going to fall apart. 

I've placed holds and borrowed several books from the library recently. From Japanese flower arrangement to how to make Kimono and some Japanese cooking, I've been diving right back into Japan! Part of it is SCA related, I've finally decided to do a Japanese persona from the Heian period, and part of it is just because I really like Japanese cooking and culture. 

Doing stuff. Last night I wrote out the things that I feel make me happy or that I need to do to make feel successful in a day. I addressed it with Amanda and said I don't need to do these things every day, they can be shifted and changed throughout the week, but they do need to happen. Some things do need to happen every day and those I will be guarding closely. So, today, I'm going to work on a weekly base schedule that I can start implementing this coming week. But first, I promised a certain little orange kitty (Thorin) cuddles.

Update on the bucket list, Happy 4th, and today is a no pants no bra day

Happy Independence day to my American friends and Happy 4th to my international friends just because.

Today, I finally got that stupid paper finished. It's several hours late but I don't care. I find myself seriously bothered by the fact that I don't care and I think I am just ready to be done with school for awhile. Grad school is just going to have to wait for a bit, perhaps even longer than I intended for it t. I need some time. That being said, while I did look at my assignments this week, I am going to shut the computer down for a bit today and just sit pantless and braless, on the sofa. I might nap, I might read, I might watch anime or a movie, I might just sit and stare out the patio window while the birds and other various life forms run, hop, or fly around. I refuse to clean or do laundry or any more homework. 

I just need to relax for a bit. I over did it last weekend, week, and even this latest weekend and am truly and wholly paying for it. I'm even starting to get a little sick. 

My horrible aunt called me twice last week. I didn't answer because I didn't recognize either phone number from which she was calling. The 1st call was to tell me that she was in the hospital and was being treated for a blood clot in her lungs and that she'd been trying to get a hold of my mother for the last couple of days. Well, whether or not that was true, I wasn't up to playing her game, so I didn't return her call. I did, however, call my Dad and let him know so he could pass the message along to my Mom. Two days later, my aunt called again and left quite a long message stating that rehab couldn't give her what she needed, that she couldn't deal with my Mom, and that she wanted my Dad to give her injections. Also, and here is the best part, she didn't know what I had heard but that she has and will always love me and Amanda. That was when I deleted her message. I'm sorry, you don't get to tell your daughter that her best friend deserves AIDS because he is gay and then turn around and tell me, your niece, that you love me and my girlfriend when we live the same life style. Also, I've had it with how abominably she treats her daughter and my parents, especially my Mother. Actions have consequences bitch, it is time someone said enough is enough. I love my aunt and always will and it was really hard to cut her off, especially how family centered I am. However, I don't have to and refuse to put up with her shit anymore. Thankfully the people I care most about back home are finally starting to shut her out as well. 

Moving on to fun, happy stuff. I have an update to my Summer/Fall 2016 Bucket list.

1.Try Das Stein Haus I previously wrote about this, it was delicious. If anyone is ever on the North side of Spokane Wa, look up Das Stein Haus for authentic German food, you won't be disapointed. 

2.Silverwood with Amanda's Mom. Silverwood is always fun, lots of walking, but worth it. There's tons to see and do.

3.Stargazing (I actually want to do more and am going to break out my telescope one of these day)

4.Make Soap

I made soap. I will take it from the container today, cut it, and set it someplace safe to cure for the next 4-6 weeks. I really had fun doing it and would love to make some again, but I need to get some supplies of my own. Even though my friend was amazing and let me use a lot of her stuff, the next time I make soap, I want to use my own so I am not using up hers. This stuff is kind of expensive. 

5.See Lord Chaddum at Le Chateu Galunt on July 3rd (game) It was a good game. I had a lot of fun and my character drop kicked sulfur into a bunch of zombies and killed three. YAY! We are also looking at an online gig to play on for when we can't get together but can play for just an hour or so in our own respective homes. 

6. Get into the SCA (already started doing that- still a work in progress. However I do know that I am going to run two personas, one will be Viking- not sure which time period yet- and the other will be Chinese from around the 400s-600s, big time gap I know but I am narrowing it down. 

It occurs to me that a lot what is on my Summer/Fall 2016 Bucket List is geared more for the Fall months. So, I have been thinking about what else I can do during the summer, today. I may add more to my list and I may move some things, like some of my craft projects from the fall months into the summer months so they are ready for fall. I like this momentum I have and would very much like to keep it going. 

One more thing left, feeling better, fighter practice, and new sewing buddy!

SCA logo

Today is blissfully cloudy and windy- figures, Amanda is wearing a skirt. We have a running joke that anytime Amanda wears a skirt it will be windy outside. Moving on. 

I have one last assignment left to do: the reflection essay of my experience in my degree program and the class. It is part of my capstone. Bleh. I call it busy work and Narcisa is licking my hair! Anyway, I still don't have a page count and another student asked the same question. I'm wondering if there even really is a page count, it certainly isn't mentioned in the instructors break down of the assignment or in the rubric. Hmmm... I' just going to write it and if there is a problem I will fix it. 

Speaking of the writing class, I sent my story to my Dad to edit. He really liked it except he that him being a sappy romantic, he would have liked an ending scene where my characters were standing together on the balcony of the castle over looking the city below. I wanted that too, but page limit! And I still went over by a quarter of a page! I'm telling you, novel! Amanda also liked this rewrite. Yay!

I am going to try doing Camp National Novel Writer's Month again this year. I set my word count low just in case my next term is heavier than I expect it to be. 

So what's with the SCA logo shield? Well, tonight I am going to fighter practice. the Arts and Sciences stuff will be happening at the same time and same place as well, so I can look at that too. I haven't done anything with the SCA in years and I really miss it. It was fun. Bonus, I heard that there is archery in this barony where as in my previous barony, there wasn't at the time. I have no idea what my persona will be, I am hovering between Chinese, Japanese, and Viking. Oh that reminds me that I need to find my heraldry notebook! That was something I was interested in getting into before I started college. For more info on the SCA go here.

In talking about SCA, the stuff I missed, and garb with my friend Rachael last night, I learned that she knows how to make her own patterns, knows how to expand patterns, and so on. I told her she is my new sewing buddy. If she can give me a couple of walk through, I pick stuff up pretty quick. I kind of want to have a sewing party someday. Not sure if I am up to taking my sewing machine to a Stitch & Witch, might be too loud and a pain to lug around... It is something to think about. Or I could just stick with crochet.