Update: Why I haven't been blogging much, if at all this year, and some review.

This year has been one of change, grief, suffocation, adjustment and recuperation, and pain with little moments of quiet and dots of happiness. A lot has happened and I've wanted to share or blog about many things, even saved the pictures from, but I couldn't and barely managed the few posts I did. I'm going to try and break it down in smaller sections so I'm not all over the place. 

House: We came into the year, thankfully, with a home of our own. Being evicted from our apartment when we hadn't done anything wrong and the way in which it was was done, really messed me up. We were blessed enough to have been approved for a home loan and a couple months of couch surfing later, find our house. Since moving in, we've had little hiccups with the house itself. We had to get a new stove, we have only one bathroom, I've had trouble establishing boundaries, and the summer was especially hard since we were living in the living room. We don't have central air conditioning or a unit for our room yet.  Some friends offered to get us one to help me keep my sanity, but feeling so low I just couldn't take them up on it. It also didn't feel right for them to fix problems we needed to fix on our own. Recently, now that it is much cooler and winter, we have moved back into our bedroom upstairs and have finally gotten the house just about in order. We've begun the downsizing we hadn't been able to do before moving in. 

Family: I've been struggling with forgiving my parents. I think I have forgiven and understand all the reasons why they didn't come to my wedding, but the fact of the matter is, what they did hurt me in such a way I don't know if I will ever truly heal from. Sometimes I am furious, sometimes I can't fathom why what they did hurts so much, or how to even explain it to friends. But how do you explain growing up idolizing your parents and grandparents no matter what? How do you impart that your parents were and still are two of your best friends? Or even that your Grandparents are too? Or that family means more to you than you can explain?

Then of course, my Grandpa died during the summer and I go up and down with that all the time and will for awhile. 

My Aunt Laura, my mom's twin, is- hell I don't know what she is trying to do, but she's taking us all on an up and down ride. 

My cousin Tony found my Mom's lost older sister, Debra. That was exciting and she is so nice and sane. But her husband has cancer and so does she, which is upsetting. 

I did get to reconnect with my cousin Crystal this year, which has been good. My cousin Dashiel is still a shit head.

Friends: My in-person friends have kind of let me down and frustrated me a lot this year. Some have made me feel pretty awful. I'm sure I've done the same. I kind of became even more of a hermit this year, but some of that is health related. In the last few months, I've kind of reached a soft breaking point and had a bit too much. I've had to be much firmer than I would have liked with some friends and told one that the way she was treating me was not okay. And, it has become vividly clear that I simply do not think in the same manner as everyone else. Twice, when things have been so utterly horrible, I've let people know I was drowning in my depression and that I didn't know what to do. 

1. It is extremely difficult for me to put that out there and if I am telling someone that, it is because I'm in so deep I don't know if I am going to be able to climb out on my own. That is a call for help. It is not that I am too proud to ask for help. It is that I've spent years believing that I didn't deserve it and had to fix things on my own. 

2. Telling me you love me and you're there if I need you, tell you what I need, doesn't actually help. It was a struggle for me to tell you how bad its gotten, chances are I can't put into words or even know what I need, other than for someone to keep me talking or come sit with me. And this is where I think I think differently, because if one of my friends told me they were in this position, I wouldn't have to ask them what they needed, I would talk to them or go to them. But, that's just me. 

3. The last thing I need is the brush off or a lecture about everything I am doing wrong or to be told what you think I should be doing, especially when you won't do these things for yourself. 

Body/health: At the end of the day, I find myself sometimes quoting Leto Atreties II from the movie Children of Dune, "my skin is not my own". Of course I'm not about to turn into some giant sand worm that produces the spice the universe runs on, but the feeling of feeling like my body belongs to me or feels like its right, is the same concept. In fact, I feel like mine has betrayed me in major ways. I described to my therapist that it feel like I'm stuck or trapped in something I can't tear off. It feels like I'm under or surrounded by something foreign and if I could get rid of it, things would feel more like me. I know part of that is the weight. Which has been a struggle in and of itself. The rest is depression, fibro, the hysterectomy, and my back. As much as I desperately needed that hysterectomy and was begging to have it done, that was still a big part of me and suddenly I don't quite feel right any more. I don't feel so much like a girl and I actually really wanted kids of my own, even though I knew I couldn't. Having that finalized, IS VERY hard. I feel like I somehow failed even though no one blames me. And I go up and down with that too. And in the last year the fibro and my back have gotten worse, which doesn't help. And my level of energy has dropped dramatically. Some days I truly struggle to get even the simplest things accomplished.   

Therapist: I really like my therapist and I think she is a good fit for me, but she's kind of screwed me over a couple of ways. First was with the insurance. I could have had health insurance this whole year had she told me she was going to stop taking what I had and that I should find another insurance provider. True the company I had seemed to be doing some shady things. So I switched, but in doing so, we had to update some financial information and that made it so instead of free insurance, we had to come up with deductable and copays and pay for insurance every month. Which wouldn't be a big deal except that we don't have that money and were trying to figure out how to pay her bill since I had lost the free insurance. She put me on a sliding fee scale based on Amanda's income, which helped. But we had already been behind and have yet to catch up because she didn't charge me a couple of visits like she was supposed to and we didn't catch it. To make matters worse, she's been fussing at me to get health insurance just about every time I see her. What part of we can't afford it, do you not understand?! And the best part of this is, she's now going to take the insurance I was originally on! I could strangle her.
On the matter of health insurance itself, I am hoping that after a month or two, Amanda and I will be caught up on everything and can wipe some things out. I am hoping then, we can readdress the health insurance issue for the both of us. If not, that's just how it is. We are in the weird middle ground of just enough income to not qualify for free health insurance but not enough to actually afford it. But, no matter what, I know that things will work out some how- or at least enough to keep up on the most important medicines we need. Certainly dropping therapy and getting her paid off would free up more of our income for other medical needs.

The second part, is on the topic of my writing. I know she is a therapist, but I don't think she understands the writing process. She's said some things about it that made me feel like I shouldn't write. That I was spending too much time writing (which, for me is actually kind of limited since I can only sit at my desk for so long before my back starts cramping and seizing up and I have to go do something else for a while). She worried that I was escaping too much instead of being present in the real world. I can go through phases where I am a workaholic and need to see the end of something like a chapter or section of story- but that's not limited to writing, that goes for house cleaning or cooking, or craft stuff. I have used writing as a way to cope with things that are too painful in the 'real world' before. Its how I made through high school and the few years I lived at home before I moved out. I can also get a bit involved and obsessive and I know that not everyone gets it or wants to hear about what is thrilling or exciting to me or wants to be a sounding board. I recognize and understand these things and can usually catch myself in the process of them and back up. But the way in which she's addressed them made me feel so guilty and like there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't actually stay on the momentum I had last year when I rewrote and finished the novel length fanficion I had been working on. So the triumph and self proof that I could do this was so utterly dashed and stamped out that I was afraid to try. And with friends fussing about me being a little over excited or obsessive and talking about me needing to find balance between this and that, I was really scared.

It finally came to head the other night, when after months of agonizing over all this I was finally able to put it into words to Amanda. Thank the Gods she is a writer and actually understands. I am truly blessed to have her, because despite submitting two pieces of writing this year, I hadn't written anything other than fanfic and rps. But after finally being able to get all of that out and talking to her about it, I actually feel like it is okay to be this part of me again. And I don't know when or where or why there's this part of me that needs permission to do things sometimes, if it is part of my trying to please people or be considerate of what other people feel and think, what they want- or really when I started being so accommodating, or if its part of a lack of self esteem, guilt for paying more attention to what makes me happy instead of what makes other people happy, or even a combination of all of the above. All I do know is that I have enough trouble fighting with fibro fog, fibro pain, exhaustion, and back pain, and lack of confidence, that I don't need anything else piled on. Further if my therapist and my friends can't accept or put up with my excitement and joy and be supportive, then maybe its not me, it's them who are in the wrong and maybe they don't get the privilege of taking that ride with me or celebrating any accomplishments with me along the way. Thanks for making me feel less than or crazier than I already do.

Finally: I really have been just exhausted. I've been too tired to keep up with much of anything and have had to tell Amanda that the rate of comapny- the one that come all the time- needs to slow the hell down because I never get a weekend along with her when she is off work, and I almost never see the people who don't constantly ask or just show up with little or no notice. Her parents are taxing and with all my stuff going on on top it, I'm crankier, have less patience, and just can't. Which of course affects her in that she wants to go out and do things but I don't have the energy. In fact if I even settle down on the sofa 9 times out of 10, I fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down and faster if I have to the heating pad for my back. I feel as though I am running on borrowed fumes most of the time. It both frustrates me and makes me cry. I'm only 34. If  things are this bad now, whats it going to be like when I'm 40 or 50?

So there you have it. Some of it is broken record but I've said it many times, this is my venting ground. People don't just get over things and move on. It takes time to process things properly and when dealing with grief or loss, it can take even longer- especially if you stuff shit.      

  

Good bye Graveyard tan, Butt Burn, Moana, and Apartment Management.

It is official, my Graveyard tan is being destroyed. I've burned, I've broken out in hives, and I've burned again. Today, I am letting myself lament it's passing while I struggle to get the day going. I couldn't sleep last night, at least, not until after 2 am, and this morning, I had the worst time waking up and stay awake. There is still a strong pull for me to go lay down on the sofa with the heating pad and a blanket and do just that. But I have so much to do, that it is just not possible. 

Yesterday's work at the Kettle corn stand was not what I wanted it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I am neither a super human nor can do the things I used to. If I am completely honest, I force myself through the day. Helping Rachel set up takes so much out of me and I can't even do half of what she does. It's not even that hard. Tear down is so much worse because by the time we tear down, I've sat in the heat all day, all ready helped her set up as much as I was able, walked to and from the bathroom, and helped bag some kettle corn. It really is pathetic and so frustrating. By the time I got home last night, I was so tried and in so much pain. To clarify, I am venting about my frustration with my body, not the work, the work is fine. 

Last night Amanda wanted to do something nice for me. She rubbed my feet and my legs with lotion while we were in bed and it felt so freaking good. She also discovered a small blister on my butt. I told her a person moves really fast when they sit down on a molten, sugar coated popcorn kernel. One flew out of Rachel's kettle and into my chair and I happened to sit on it. I laughed at the time. 

Moana was awesome! We recently watched it and Amanda and I loved it. The music is good, the story is wonderful, and I love the character growth. Seriously, go watch it if you haven't. 

So, we are having quite the little problem with our apartment managers right now. They scheduled a meeting to which both Amanda and I had to be present last month, but Amanda couldn't make it because she works a full time job. We were NEVER given a secondary scheduled meeting time and got a notice on our front door stating we missed the 2nd meeting and if we miss the next one, it is ground to terminate our lease and we will have to find somewhere else to live. Oh fuck no! I'm going to be having a little chat with the manager either tomorrow or Friday, because that's bull shit, period.  

  

New experiences, books, doing stuff

Stephanie Pui Mun Law

I've had some interesting experiences as of late. My therapist told me to look her in eye and tell her that I hate her. I don't and the whole situation almost had me in tears. I couldn't do it. She told me if I couldn't tell her that, then I should't be saying it to myself. Yeah, I know that, but breaking all the negitive thoughts- the depression monster in my head- is going to be a long hard road. She also wants me to look in the mirror every morning and say "I want to love you". I tried it yesterday. I felt nothing. In fact, it felt kind of like a lie. This is going to be an uphill battle all the way.  I told Amanda I didn't know if I ever would completely love myself or my body. Not when I feel that my body has betrayed me so terribly. 

Speaking of my body. I think I am going to invest in a yoni egg. I'm really scared and worried about my pelvic floor. Apart from that I have had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Either my brain doesn't want to shut off or I've been in too much pain to get comfortable. Needless to say, I've not been either really sad or down right pissed. With that, I've also decided that I'm not going to wait any longer, it has been three months since surgery and if I am careful with exercise, I should be fine. I'm going to do some stuff sitting down and do some core strengthening on the sofa. It will have to be done slow and gently, but I have got to get control of things or I'm really going to fall apart. 

I've placed holds and borrowed several books from the library recently. From Japanese flower arrangement to how to make Kimono and some Japanese cooking, I've been diving right back into Japan! Part of it is SCA related, I've finally decided to do a Japanese persona from the Heian period, and part of it is just because I really like Japanese cooking and culture. 

Doing stuff. Last night I wrote out the things that I feel make me happy or that I need to do to make feel successful in a day. I addressed it with Amanda and said I don't need to do these things every day, they can be shifted and changed throughout the week, but they do need to happen. Some things do need to happen every day and those I will be guarding closely. So, today, I'm going to work on a weekly base schedule that I can start implementing this coming week. But first, I promised a certain little orange kitty (Thorin) cuddles.

Games, computer troubles, and something very scary and unsettling.

One of my Jade Dynasty Characters

It used to be that I would play Guild Wars with my Dad every so often if not every day. I freaking loved it. So when I pulled my guild out of the alliance we were in because of their bullshit and insistence on us having more people in our guild than we wanted, and because I was going back to school and wouldn't be able to do as many faction runs, let's just sat things kind of petered out. Dad and I didn't play as much and eventually not at all and then on top of that Dad's gaming mouse broke. Which is fine except he has some trouble with that hand. Things cramp and lock up.

So Dad went looking for another game to play just for fun and found Neverwinter. He didn't tell me about it at first because he knew I would want to play it and neglect my homework. But I noticed in our conversations, there was something really distant and lacking, they weren't the same as before. But when he finally did tell me, things were back to normal. I did download the Arc client or interface and Neverwinter and Jade Dynasty Regenesis (all free MMORPGs). Neverwinter's navigation really drives me nuts and since I was frustrated with it, I kind of put it aside.

Lately I've really missed gaming but I refused to play until I had homework finished for the week and other things. But the other night, I said screw it and played. I have a couple of characters in Jade Dynasty, all of whom I've run through training and got them to the first set of quests. The one pictured I named Seilise, which is the name of a Moon elf character from a short story I wrote a couple of terms ago. Fun fact, that's kind of how I'd pictured her but with different clothes.

Well last night I got on to play and it took forever to run the patches for Neverwinter and my computer shut down on me because I switch wireless usb sticks in my computer when changing wireless mouses. (I had to because Skoora needed mine because it also works for a wireless keyboard, which she needed to use for her laptop because she broke some keys- it's a long drawn out story that's I'll blog about later) Anyway, I get my computer started up again, get things running, the patch finishes and I create a new character for Neverwinter because my Dad told me about a new class that sounded really awesome. Scourge Wizard. Only when I start to play my computer just shuts off for no reason. I thought it had overheated but that's not possible because I had it elevated with a small fan pointed at it, pushing cool air under it. So when I got it on again, I ran ccleaner, my malware scanner, my antivirus scanner, and my spybot scanner. Everything looks okay and I don't know what's going on. I might just have to back everything up and get the upgrade for Windows 8.1. I've been putting it off for quite awhile.

So all of that aside, I went to bed after a nice warm shower. I was hurting pretty bad and well, needed to take a shower anyway. But I awoke in the middle of the night my entire body so tense it hurt, shivering and shaking uncontrollably, but I wasn't cold. I got up and barely made it to the bathroom and woke Skoora up long enough to get me some Tylenol and find and plug in the heating pad for my back. We have on that shuts off after 30 minutes. When I got settled back in bed with the quilt and another blanket and the heating pad, I slowly stopped shaking and shivering. But, like I said, I wasn't even cold to begin with. At least I didn't feel cold. It's so upsetting because I don't know if I am sick or if this is just another withdrawal symptom of my depression meds, or if there is something else going on. It is certainly something I will have to speak to my doctor about when I can afford to get into see her.