Update: Why I haven't been blogging much, if at all this year, and some review.

This year has been one of change, grief, suffocation, adjustment and recuperation, and pain with little moments of quiet and dots of happiness. A lot has happened and I've wanted to share or blog about many things, even saved the pictures from, but I couldn't and barely managed the few posts I did. I'm going to try and break it down in smaller sections so I'm not all over the place. 

House: We came into the year, thankfully, with a home of our own. Being evicted from our apartment when we hadn't done anything wrong and the way in which it was was done, really messed me up. We were blessed enough to have been approved for a home loan and a couple months of couch surfing later, find our house. Since moving in, we've had little hiccups with the house itself. We had to get a new stove, we have only one bathroom, I've had trouble establishing boundaries, and the summer was especially hard since we were living in the living room. We don't have central air conditioning or a unit for our room yet.  Some friends offered to get us one to help me keep my sanity, but feeling so low I just couldn't take them up on it. It also didn't feel right for them to fix problems we needed to fix on our own. Recently, now that it is much cooler and winter, we have moved back into our bedroom upstairs and have finally gotten the house just about in order. We've begun the downsizing we hadn't been able to do before moving in. 

Family: I've been struggling with forgiving my parents. I think I have forgiven and understand all the reasons why they didn't come to my wedding, but the fact of the matter is, what they did hurt me in such a way I don't know if I will ever truly heal from. Sometimes I am furious, sometimes I can't fathom why what they did hurts so much, or how to even explain it to friends. But how do you explain growing up idolizing your parents and grandparents no matter what? How do you impart that your parents were and still are two of your best friends? Or even that your Grandparents are too? Or that family means more to you than you can explain?

Then of course, my Grandpa died during the summer and I go up and down with that all the time and will for awhile. 

My Aunt Laura, my mom's twin, is- hell I don't know what she is trying to do, but she's taking us all on an up and down ride. 

My cousin Tony found my Mom's lost older sister, Debra. That was exciting and she is so nice and sane. But her husband has cancer and so does she, which is upsetting. 

I did get to reconnect with my cousin Crystal this year, which has been good. My cousin Dashiel is still a shit head.

Friends: My in-person friends have kind of let me down and frustrated me a lot this year. Some have made me feel pretty awful. I'm sure I've done the same. I kind of became even more of a hermit this year, but some of that is health related. In the last few months, I've kind of reached a soft breaking point and had a bit too much. I've had to be much firmer than I would have liked with some friends and told one that the way she was treating me was not okay. And, it has become vividly clear that I simply do not think in the same manner as everyone else. Twice, when things have been so utterly horrible, I've let people know I was drowning in my depression and that I didn't know what to do. 

1. It is extremely difficult for me to put that out there and if I am telling someone that, it is because I'm in so deep I don't know if I am going to be able to climb out on my own. That is a call for help. It is not that I am too proud to ask for help. It is that I've spent years believing that I didn't deserve it and had to fix things on my own. 

2. Telling me you love me and you're there if I need you, tell you what I need, doesn't actually help. It was a struggle for me to tell you how bad its gotten, chances are I can't put into words or even know what I need, other than for someone to keep me talking or come sit with me. And this is where I think I think differently, because if one of my friends told me they were in this position, I wouldn't have to ask them what they needed, I would talk to them or go to them. But, that's just me. 

3. The last thing I need is the brush off or a lecture about everything I am doing wrong or to be told what you think I should be doing, especially when you won't do these things for yourself. 

Body/health: At the end of the day, I find myself sometimes quoting Leto Atreties II from the movie Children of Dune, "my skin is not my own". Of course I'm not about to turn into some giant sand worm that produces the spice the universe runs on, but the feeling of feeling like my body belongs to me or feels like its right, is the same concept. In fact, I feel like mine has betrayed me in major ways. I described to my therapist that it feel like I'm stuck or trapped in something I can't tear off. It feels like I'm under or surrounded by something foreign and if I could get rid of it, things would feel more like me. I know part of that is the weight. Which has been a struggle in and of itself. The rest is depression, fibro, the hysterectomy, and my back. As much as I desperately needed that hysterectomy and was begging to have it done, that was still a big part of me and suddenly I don't quite feel right any more. I don't feel so much like a girl and I actually really wanted kids of my own, even though I knew I couldn't. Having that finalized, IS VERY hard. I feel like I somehow failed even though no one blames me. And I go up and down with that too. And in the last year the fibro and my back have gotten worse, which doesn't help. And my level of energy has dropped dramatically. Some days I truly struggle to get even the simplest things accomplished.   

Therapist: I really like my therapist and I think she is a good fit for me, but she's kind of screwed me over a couple of ways. First was with the insurance. I could have had health insurance this whole year had she told me she was going to stop taking what I had and that I should find another insurance provider. True the company I had seemed to be doing some shady things. So I switched, but in doing so, we had to update some financial information and that made it so instead of free insurance, we had to come up with deductable and copays and pay for insurance every month. Which wouldn't be a big deal except that we don't have that money and were trying to figure out how to pay her bill since I had lost the free insurance. She put me on a sliding fee scale based on Amanda's income, which helped. But we had already been behind and have yet to catch up because she didn't charge me a couple of visits like she was supposed to and we didn't catch it. To make matters worse, she's been fussing at me to get health insurance just about every time I see her. What part of we can't afford it, do you not understand?! And the best part of this is, she's now going to take the insurance I was originally on! I could strangle her.
On the matter of health insurance itself, I am hoping that after a month or two, Amanda and I will be caught up on everything and can wipe some things out. I am hoping then, we can readdress the health insurance issue for the both of us. If not, that's just how it is. We are in the weird middle ground of just enough income to not qualify for free health insurance but not enough to actually afford it. But, no matter what, I know that things will work out some how- or at least enough to keep up on the most important medicines we need. Certainly dropping therapy and getting her paid off would free up more of our income for other medical needs.

The second part, is on the topic of my writing. I know she is a therapist, but I don't think she understands the writing process. She's said some things about it that made me feel like I shouldn't write. That I was spending too much time writing (which, for me is actually kind of limited since I can only sit at my desk for so long before my back starts cramping and seizing up and I have to go do something else for a while). She worried that I was escaping too much instead of being present in the real world. I can go through phases where I am a workaholic and need to see the end of something like a chapter or section of story- but that's not limited to writing, that goes for house cleaning or cooking, or craft stuff. I have used writing as a way to cope with things that are too painful in the 'real world' before. Its how I made through high school and the few years I lived at home before I moved out. I can also get a bit involved and obsessive and I know that not everyone gets it or wants to hear about what is thrilling or exciting to me or wants to be a sounding board. I recognize and understand these things and can usually catch myself in the process of them and back up. But the way in which she's addressed them made me feel so guilty and like there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't actually stay on the momentum I had last year when I rewrote and finished the novel length fanficion I had been working on. So the triumph and self proof that I could do this was so utterly dashed and stamped out that I was afraid to try. And with friends fussing about me being a little over excited or obsessive and talking about me needing to find balance between this and that, I was really scared.

It finally came to head the other night, when after months of agonizing over all this I was finally able to put it into words to Amanda. Thank the Gods she is a writer and actually understands. I am truly blessed to have her, because despite submitting two pieces of writing this year, I hadn't written anything other than fanfic and rps. But after finally being able to get all of that out and talking to her about it, I actually feel like it is okay to be this part of me again. And I don't know when or where or why there's this part of me that needs permission to do things sometimes, if it is part of my trying to please people or be considerate of what other people feel and think, what they want- or really when I started being so accommodating, or if its part of a lack of self esteem, guilt for paying more attention to what makes me happy instead of what makes other people happy, or even a combination of all of the above. All I do know is that I have enough trouble fighting with fibro fog, fibro pain, exhaustion, and back pain, and lack of confidence, that I don't need anything else piled on. Further if my therapist and my friends can't accept or put up with my excitement and joy and be supportive, then maybe its not me, it's them who are in the wrong and maybe they don't get the privilege of taking that ride with me or celebrating any accomplishments with me along the way. Thanks for making me feel less than or crazier than I already do.

Finally: I really have been just exhausted. I've been too tired to keep up with much of anything and have had to tell Amanda that the rate of comapny- the one that come all the time- needs to slow the hell down because I never get a weekend along with her when she is off work, and I almost never see the people who don't constantly ask or just show up with little or no notice. Her parents are taxing and with all my stuff going on on top it, I'm crankier, have less patience, and just can't. Which of course affects her in that she wants to go out and do things but I don't have the energy. In fact if I even settle down on the sofa 9 times out of 10, I fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down and faster if I have to the heating pad for my back. I feel as though I am running on borrowed fumes most of the time. It both frustrates me and makes me cry. I'm only 34. If  things are this bad now, whats it going to be like when I'm 40 or 50?

So there you have it. Some of it is broken record but I've said it many times, this is my venting ground. People don't just get over things and move on. It takes time to process things properly and when dealing with grief or loss, it can take even longer- especially if you stuff shit.      

  

I made stuff, migraine, fatigue, bad sleep, and cuddly cats

Remember that picture I posted of myself the other day. Well, this one is a better one in my opinion. 

I have been pretty busy these last several days. We went shopping at Fred Meyer for groceries and then we checked out a new store called My Fresh Basket. It opened up in Kendall Yards. My Fresh Basket a bit pretentious but they do have some specialty things that we haven't found elsewhere. I bought a bar of Sandalwood soap as a treat.  Anyway, because we have adopted a new food diet, I made sure we had plenty of fruits and veggies, which meant that I was in the kitchen cutting, slicing, and chopping- doing food prep- pretty much most of the weekend. When I wasn't doing that, I was cooking or baking. I made a peach pie and a Strawberry pie- both of which have been eaten. Last night I made eggplant parm without the parm. I also decided to make my own Popsicles. The above was supposed to be strawberry pomegranate but I forgot the pomegranate.   

This one is lavender lemonade with real lavender. I also used some of my lavender syrup, not a lot. 

Here is peach pineapple.

And this is vanilla matcha. I have a vanilla coffee syrup and I used just a little to sweeten the matcha.

I have been very exhausted the last several days. I have trouble focusing and staying awake sometimes and others I feel sick. At night I've had some trouble sleeping in bed again and end up on the sofa. Today, I woke with a migraine and it only grew worse as the day progressed. Thankfully, after some coffee, alieve, and laying down for a bit, its disappeared. However, I tried to make vegan apple cinnamon breakfast cups and misread the recipe for lack of being able to focus, and put in too much vanilla. Amanda had to take over for me and double the recipe. That did the trick. I decided to make bread today. It has been rising a little longer than usual, but I need it to double in size and with the air conditioner going, it's been a slow process. 

I am a bit annoyed with my Mom. I called to talk yesterday and during our conversation she informed me that I wasn't going to lose weight just because I decided to go vegetarian. Um, thanks. What the fuck?! I don't get it. We were vegetarian for a whole year when I was a kid. They still cook stuff from the vegetarian cookbooks they have, granted it's not much, but still. Plus me being vegetarian affects her in no way except for the the week or so she and Dad will be visiting in October. If she's worried that I am going to become one of those self important, high horse, condemn you for eating meat vegetarians, she's mistaken AND she should know me better than that. More importantly, I should have to feel that I have to justify myself for trying to see if this will be better for me health wise and reduce my physical pain.

On a much happier note, my cats have been very cuddly lately. Even Narcisa. She actually let me lay my head lightly on her last night. She even purred! 

Not feeling so great

Today's blog is short. 

I'm not feeling very well today. It's depression and fibromyalgia and fatigue. 

It's also because tomorrow Amanda is leaving for Boston and I always worry. I also hate being without her. 

So, today I'm not doing very much, especially since the house it a bit chaotic with her mess of packing. 

*sigh* 

There's so much I want to do but just don't have the energy to do. 

I think I am going to con my neighbor into helping me story board a book while Amanda is gone, and get some of it done before I have to start school up again next week.  

So clean and calm

This is what my local library looks like. I love this place. I love that if I want to borrow a book and my library doesn't have it but another in their network does, they will get it for me. I've read some really interesting books and while I am sad that they don't have many of Katie MacAlister's (one of my favorite authors) books on the shelves, they do have a ton of non-fiction that I have checked out. A few of the topics are but not limited to, digital photography, drawing, and embroidery, mythology, language, and travel, history, and Neo-pagan/Wicca, as well as some health books on Fibromyalgia and crafts from candle making to jewelry. And for fiction: young adult novels and some paranormal romance. Today I have Llewellyn's Complete Book of Astrology and The Encyclopedia of Superstitions. I thought they would both be really fun.

Kendama

Most of the time it's relatively peaceful, if you come early enough in the day. If you come when school's letting out, a lot of Middle and High school kids come to play games and socialize. I've snapped at a couple myself for running through the shelves because they were bothering me. The library staff is usually good about getting the kids before they become too disruptive and if the kids won't listen to the staff, they are sent outside. Of course there have been times when adults have been disruptive and in that case I rented a private study room where Skoora and I could work without being bothered.  Well, looks like a librarian is escorting a group of kids out right this moment, kids with Kendamas. She is not happy and they are not listening to her about keeping the toys in their pockets until they are outside.

On a side note, Kendamas are pretty popular up here, which I think is very cool. Also, the juggling sticks seem to be popular with adults, of course there is an amazing toy store in Coeur d'Alene called Figpickel's Toy Emporium that sells vintage to modern toys and books. It's kind of like walking into Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium minus the magical living toy store and three of my favorite actors. I love Figpickel's as well by the by!

But most of all I just like being at the library. There is a sense of calm 99% of the time and I feel somewhat peaceful. Sometimes, just walking through the shelves can change my mood from bad to better, and I always like seeing the quilts hanging in one of the meeting rooms. They also have a display to left of when you walk into the foyer of local and student art. It's nice to sit and look at it before I leave and the landscaping is really beautiful. There is a patio with benches on the east side with lots of flowers surrounding it. Cherry blossom trees are planted around and there is a small patch of grass where someone can sit outside and read in the front if they wanted to. Better yet, the library isn't far from Falls Park, which is a nice place all on it's one with lots of geese and ducks, turtles, and dragonflies.

Sometimes I just wish I could curl up in the library and stay. My back kind of gets in the way of that. I can only stand to sit in their chairs for so long and when the Fibromyalgia flares up, like it is today, it makes the whole stay much much shorter. I am going to have to leave shortly, I just wanted to try and force myself to stay a little longer and enjoy it.

Damn it!

Today has been a day of lethargy and pain. I didn't want to read, watch TV, or a movie. Cooking and crafts were a flat no. I didn't really want to go anywhere or do anything in particular. Hell, I didn't even want to take a nap. So I decided the best thing to do was to get dressed and get out of the house for a bit and on my way out, I got a shopping list. 

So, I went to Denny's, hoping to sit and read for a little bit in peace. I forgot it was Sunday and a lot of people go out to eat after church. I didn't manage to read very much and since I didn't feel good, I thought if I ate a little something I might feel better so I ordered french toast. It didn't really taste good. It didn't taste bad either, I just wasn't really feeling it. I ate, paid my bill, and went to the store where I got some things for Skoora's Aunt. I also bought some kale, a bag of oranges, and 1 kaiser roll. 

When I got home I retreated into my bedroom to escape noise and well, because I didn't feel like socializing or watching hours of HGTV, even though I would be in the air conditioned part of the apartment.  That's when I knew something was really wrong. It still didn't get me out of my room. 

Dinner came and went and after I was finished eating I had myself a cry for no good reason. Since that just made me even more upset and made the headache worse, I decided that I need to, once again, get out of the house. 

Went to the park nearby and called my parents to chat and then came home. This time I took a shower and thought I was feeling better. I was until I decided to get on facebook and when I'd had enough of that, I logged on to Guild Wars and found no one online there. So here we are again. I'm hot, tired, have a really bad headache, I don't feel like doing anything, my back is killing me, and I don't want to do anything. Fantastic...

Well, I guess I will go drink a cup of coffee and chase it with water and lay down and rest. Maybe I can get some sleep. If not, I foresee myself taking another mid-night drive. 

It's time for equivalent exchange folks

Every so often get fussy and complain about this or that. Sometimes I rant and I rave. I'm human and it's to be expected because no matter how hard someone tries, they can't be perfect or please everyone. Trust me, I know, it's impossible.

For me, trying to force myself to be more positive for others and also to try and help myself, is just going to have to be filed into the 'impossible' cabinet for the moment. There are a lot of things going on in my life, inner turmoils and struggles that often get fed by outward situations and stimuli.  Generally I'm pretty good at hiding but depending on certain factors, I fail miserably in the 'let's hide how I really feel so I don't upset or bother anyone else'. Why do I even care? Because I have friends that I would like to keep, that's why. Shouldn't my friend love me for all the parts that make me up? You'd think right? But for some reason, I have such a low self esteem and confidence level that prevents me from really getting comfortable around most people.

Point of fact, I am miserable 85% of the time. I feel like I am drowning in self loathing, anger, and pain and depression. I live with severe depression and anxiety  Okay, I was treating that with medication and some therapy when I felt like things were starting to get really bad. But then I started having issue with my period. Either I went forever without one, or I was on it for months to a year and several times its been heavy enough that I've gone to the ER (let me tell you what a waste of time that is).  I always get so horribly weak. Add a herniated disk and fibromyalgia to the list and things start getting from bad to worse. Frankly, if I wasn't so worried about upsetting and hurting my family, friends, and even my cats, I would kill myself. I have devised several plans, all that could easily be executed in a timely fashion and  because I am considerate, have easy clean up as well. But don't worry, like I said, I'm not going to kill myself because it would hurt the people I care about.

I am very limited a lot of the time in some of things I can do. Some days it's a fight to get out of bed. I actually had to get a dry erase sticker to put on the door that I write a list of things I want or need to do to help motivate me. That in and of itself is depressing but it does help. But all of the physical problems just make the depression worse.

I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said it's like I don't want to be seen. She's right, I don't want to be seen. I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed of myself. There are times I don't know why Skoora is still with me, why my family and friends still talk to me much less spend time with me. I can't work, I can't go to school, I can barely handle going shopping for groceries much less anything fun. I want to do things with friend but I get so exhausted and feel drained so quickly and easily and it doesn't help that my medicine makes me tried oh and I recently found out that some of my medicine makes my hair thin (I was wondering why there was more in my hairbrush than usual). And I just learned that I've gained more weight despite the 'in what  can do' efforts to lose weight. And of course all of my medicine makes me gain weight too and has been for the last 12 years. And I am not going to go into anymore because it just gets even more sensitive.

But I keep trying and I keep telling myself that I am lucky, that I could have it a lot worse, and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful and I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful. Shit, I get  very excited when someone remembers to say 'Happy Birthday' on my facebook wall on facebook, even if the little notification on the side told them it was my birthday.

In the end, I know it's easy for everyone to forget that I am in a lot of pain and dealing with things internally that are hard, but I work hard at having patience with others. So, I feel like others could and should show me the same consideration.    

It's just that kind of day

First let me post a nice video from Youtube Misty Mountians (Hobbit OST)

I actually own this soundtrack, I've kind of mentioned it a time or two on Facebook and to my Dad, and have been listening to it off and on. It's a little hard to really listen to it but a little at a time because my laptop is wonky and on the down slope. Any time I open a new program or something is loading on a webpage, the speakers crackle. It's very weird and pretty much held together by gorilla tape, hope, and regular maintenance to software and basic cleaning. Come to think of it, I need to back up said sound track and recent writings from the last few days.

Anyway, it's the kind of day where I feel sluggish to the point that I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. but new medicine will sometimes do that to a person. So, I think I will toddle off bed for a little bit, get some reading done, as much as I can do, and get up in time to make dinner, then tackle some writing and update blogs I am behind on.

Galen Gladamir

Oh and weirdly enough, the cats have been bickering, all day, all three of them. I've had to corporal cuddle Galen. Corporal Cuddling is just holding him and petting him. He doesn't like to be held or petted very much by anyone, for those who do not know him in person and he's quite the little punkass. So when he's being mean to the other kitties, we give him love.