Finally! Conflicted. Where I have been lately.

It doesn't seem like a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately and yet... 

First, my bank really dropped the ball. Not only did they lie about when the document they were supposed to be sending out would arrive, but now they seem to be ending free checking. That's fine, I was closing with them anyway. 

Second, the housing authority came through for us, voided the other check, and cut us a new one. So, we've gotten our friend Rachel paid back and mostly paid back Amanda's parents. We still owe them a little, but it will be taken care of shortly.  

Third, the housing inspection went well, the owners are going to fix basically everything, and the loan officer has already made arrangements for an appraiser to head out and look at the house. So far it looks like every thing is on schedule. However, December 13th, our closing date, can't seem to come soon enough. My plan is to get the painting done right away, let it dry, then move in. This is so we don't have to deal with the cats and paint. That's if every thing works out and we get the house. I am a little worried, the universe has thrown me some heavy slaps lately, so I am cautious. 

Speaking of, my panic attacks have gotten a little worse. I had one the other day that lasted half a hour. Amanda wanted to take me to the hospital. I am really getting sick of this. 

To keep my mind off things, I have been binge watching stuff on netflix. Total avoidance, I know, but it's what I can do right now. Between Voltron, Grey's Anatomy, and trouble getting to sleep at night, I managed to cook up a Voltron fanfic and I'm not too happy about it. Well, no, a fanfic is fine, but I want to focus on writing novels not fanfic, and I didn't want to start anything until after I was moved into a house. I tend to get obsessive about writing and don't like interruptions or distractions when I get going, and sometimes get a little cranky. And while there is a little privacy in two of the places we are bouncing between, there isn't really any place comfortable for me to set up- comfort as in my desk chair. However, it seems that no matter how resistant I am to writing this fanfic, it is that much more determined to make me write it. So, after much hemming and hawing, I finally broke down and wrote up a character bio for an OC, did a little research, and today I am going to start it. As Amanda keeps reminding me "all writing is practice". Yeah, I know that, but I'm not going to make a career out of fanfic. It is just frustrating. 

Aside from that, I've had some pretty awful dreams lately, two of which involved my mother either being seriously hurt or her dying. Another was an unsettling dream to begin with but only grew worse when I saw Amanda at a bus depot and the relief and safety I had in seeing her was ripped away when she came up to me and introduced me to a woman she was replacing me with. As if that wasn't bad enough, she said she was going to keep me to be the companion animal to this new wife and that I was going to be their cook and maid. Dream Amanda is a hoochie-mama-heffer-head-bitch! 

Well, that's about it for now. I'm rather tired, didn't sleep well last night, so I might take a small power nap. I'll catch up on blog reading a little later. 

Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is. 

Sad panda day, Depression and Anxiety at its finest, happy plans

Today, I am a Sad Panda. I actually started writing a blog that was nothing but emotional vomit- anger, panic, and pain filled. After half an hour or so of writing it, I decided it was too much, too vivid, and too pathetic. Worse, I was afraid that it might make people worry unnecessarily, especially when it got to the angry parts. I've said it many times in real life and I think on here too, I use my blog as a coping and venting mechanism. Well I got it out and can share it with my therapist as something to address and work on. 

However, there is one thing that made me cry this morning. I was looking at a post I'd written on facebook to a friend and saw something horrible. I used then instead of than. A bad grammar mistake that I see a lot on facebook and other places rubbed off on me because I have never had a problem with that before. Other grammatical issue, like commas, sure, but then and than, never. I am so pissed, so shocked, and kind very dismayed. 

Aside from that, my depression and anxiety were in full force this weekend. We went to a friend's anniversary party and I didn't know until the I was leaving, that one of the hosts was having a rough time of it yesterday. I'm a little sad that I didn't pick up on it. I am also a little sad that I didn't go play the game she was playing. On top of that I was a little sad about the story cube game we were playing. Don't get me wrong, I love games and I love the story cube game, but I really suck at it. While Amanda seems to excel at being put on the spot and can pull a really neat and detailed story out of her ass, I can't, not really, even despite being a writer. When I told Amanda how I felt, she said that I'm not good with on the spot stuff and that I am more contemplative. Which is true, I had these sorts of issues with philosophy class discussions the most, but also in other classes through out my life. I'm an observer anyway, so sometimes it is just easier and perhaps safer, for me to sit back and watch and listen and weigh in at a latter time or never. But then I get frustrated because I feel stupid. I'm not stupid. I just really think about things, break them down and tear them apart. So while we are playing story cubes I'm sitting there analyzing how something could happen or work, trying to hear people down the table over the background noise, anticipate the feel of the story that we're putting together, and when it is my turn and I roll the dice, try to make something up on the fly instead of taking 5-10 minutes to make something on par with what Amanda's and some of the other players are dishing out. My responses ended up being something along the lines of unicorn farts, gaseous nebula, being cured by a witch to be pelted with crow eggs for all eternity, and monkey slavery. *sigh* 

I also had a hard time telling another set of friend as we were leaving their house, that I have a really hard time inviting myself over to people's houses. I grew up with the mentality that you shouldn't make a nuisance of yourself. Since anywhere I go, I generally feel like I am in the way, don't want to make a mess, and always want to be helpful, that feeling of being too weird or awkward, too opinionated, too quite, having resting bitch face, and so on, makes me even more reluctant to say "hey, can I come over". It works the other way too, in inviting people over, because I don't want them to feel obligated or interfere with anything. I have some really weird issues and I am working on them. Part of that is getting over my fears and trusting my friends to be honest. 

We have some happy plans this week, and I am going to try and focus on those since I feel all kinds of icky today. Our friend Rachel is coming over this week to have dinner with us and we are making some luminaries with the giant pickle jars I have. Thursday we are going to Stitch & Witch  which is also our 9 year anniversary of being together. Friday we are going to do some shopping grocery and Halloween. We would like to go out to Greenbluff this weekend, and Sunday we are supposed to go to a baby shower. In the mean time, I need to resize and print some patterns I bought from Urban Threads awhile back, and I need to dig through the sewing patterns I own, because I am going to have Rachel show me how to expand patterns. I actually need to see it being done.  I also want to finally decide which fabrics I am using to make a quilt, and just get to work. I've been feeling pretty crafty lately and a couple of blogger friends and even a one in real life has inspired me to pull out my sewing machine. I also need to write. I have spells and I have been plotting out a novel.   

Mid Morning Thunderstorm, Rearranging my To Do List, Tent Room

I would really like a tent room like this, in greens, purples, and blues, only in my living room. I would like it to be easily put up and dismantled, and having it today would be wonderful. The thought  of laying stretched out on the blanket on the floor with pillows, Naricsa, and just waiting anime or movies, with a fan blowing air across my skin is heavenly. 

Unfortunately I lack the motivation to make it happen or rather, my stupid period started up again, and not only is that the reason I had such a hard time waking up this morning, but its why I am so lethargic today. I mean, I'm not even having a fibromyaligia issue today. Sigh. 

I didn't end up getting my notes typed up and printed yesterday like I wanted. I also didn't research bucket list stuff. There are things I want to do, but I want to have all the details listed so I can just grab it up and go when I am ready. So, yeah. I was planning to do that stuff today as well as re-shelve my books properly in the office/ library. Amanda just put books up in effort to get them out of boxes and on to the shelves. We just haven't gotten to the point of fixing the disorganization yet. But, I may not do any of that today and save it for tomorrow. 

I don't really feel up to doing much today. I don't want company. I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to watch some things, cuddle with Narcisa, and maybe work on Shi-Chan's afghan. I worked on it a little bit yesterday and since I would like to have it done in time to mail it for her birthday, I kind of need to get on it. 

Oh, we had thunderstorm this morning, which was GREAT! Being from Kansas, I grew up with a lot of thunderstorms and severe weather. While I didn't care for the severe part such as tornadoes and damaging aspects, I did love thunder and seeing the flash of lightning, and hearing heavy rain. I don't get it as much where I live now, so having it this morning was a treat! It looks like it might be gearing up to rain again!   

Well, my lunch is cooking so I should go tend to it.  I can't decide if I a going to make a tiny batch of biscuits and gravy or make what my family calls German Breakfast. I want both. German Breakfast is healthier. At least this version is, it has veggies in it and is sans potatoes.

Not feeling so great

Today's blog is short. 

I'm not feeling very well today. It's depression and fibromyalgia and fatigue. 

It's also because tomorrow Amanda is leaving for Boston and I always worry. I also hate being without her. 

So, today I'm not doing very much, especially since the house it a bit chaotic with her mess of packing. 

*sigh* 

There's so much I want to do but just don't have the energy to do. 

I think I am going to con my neighbor into helping me story board a book while Amanda is gone, and get some of it done before I have to start school up again next week.