Narcisa, jobs, burns, freak out, one good thing if it kills me. Amanda aka Skoora

Firstly, I am going to stop calling Amanda, my girlfriend, Skoora. It was an internet nickname she had on a  website but no one from that site comes here so there's no point. So from here on out Skoora is Amanda. 

Now, Amanda didn't get the library job she applied for or the job at Barnes and Noble. However, Barnes and Noble did tell her that they are keeping her in mind for their November hiring run. Um okay. So we are back to square one for her as far as looking for another job, which sucks. 

We've run into another set of problems. I didn't get as much in student loans as I was expecting. I talked to the school to figure out why and it was because of the class I dropped last term. So that didn't help very much because we are still broke.  On top of that we got some good/bad news. My Dad has an interview with a correctional facility in another county. He worked in corrections for over 30 years. I am excited for him, if he gets the job he and my mom will have much needed health insurance, and they will actually be able to breathe financially. The down side is that my Dad's blood pressure will probably skyrocket. The other downside is that my Dad is talking about signing over the townhouse to me. That's really cool but there's bigger financial problems than we are already facing if we move back and my parents for all their "we'll make it work" aren't seeming to get that or that if we move back to Kansas I won't have access to medical and mental health care like I would if I moved to Washington state. There a lot more to it both, pros and cons to moving back to Kansas or moving to Washington. Ugh! Needless to say between the stuff we've already been dealing with and now this, I've been having a lot more panic attacks. 

I did finally manage to get some depression meds. I called my doctor and she switched me back to something more affordable. I picked it up yesterday and already feel better. 

I burnt the crap out of myself tonight while making dinner. I was pouring the boiling water out of a pot into the sink and some splashed up at me, got me right in the stomach and then of course, trying not panic or drop the pot, I tried to keep a hold of it but ended up splashing more water out. I ended up dropping the pot and have been sitting on the sofa with a cold wet cloth on my stomach. So far so good. 

I'm going to try and work on saying at least one good thing in future blog posts. There's so much negativity in my head all the time. I horrible everything, thinking of worst possible situations and such almost constantly, and it cycles around and around. I would like to change that. 

Today, I looked in the mirror when I was in the bathroom and saw a red spot on my collarbone. I checked it closer and I have a small hickey. You know who gave me that hickey? It wasn't Amanda, it was Narcisa. She's still trying to nurse on our necks at night and she really got me last night. I am not impressed. But on the other hand I suppose her vampire skills are improving. 

Oh and last night, Amanda and I moved the bed into the living room because her parents aren't here for the week and we wanted to camp out. The cats LOVE it by the way. Well, today, as I was hanging some party decorations for Amanda's birthday this coming weekend, I looked over at the bed. Narcisa was siting there all prim and proper with a look that said "challenge accepted Mom". I said "fuck"! and tapped the other end of the foil streamers to the ceiling to shorten them a little more. Otherwise she would jump from the table onto the bar and then try to pull them down all night and probably hurt herself. Well played kitten, well played. I didn't even bother to hag the rest. I will wait until Amanda's actual birthday to do that. 

Games, computer troubles, and something very scary and unsettling.

One of my Jade Dynasty Characters

It used to be that I would play Guild Wars with my Dad every so often if not every day. I freaking loved it. So when I pulled my guild out of the alliance we were in because of their bullshit and insistence on us having more people in our guild than we wanted, and because I was going back to school and wouldn't be able to do as many faction runs, let's just sat things kind of petered out. Dad and I didn't play as much and eventually not at all and then on top of that Dad's gaming mouse broke. Which is fine except he has some trouble with that hand. Things cramp and lock up.

So Dad went looking for another game to play just for fun and found Neverwinter. He didn't tell me about it at first because he knew I would want to play it and neglect my homework. But I noticed in our conversations, there was something really distant and lacking, they weren't the same as before. But when he finally did tell me, things were back to normal. I did download the Arc client or interface and Neverwinter and Jade Dynasty Regenesis (all free MMORPGs). Neverwinter's navigation really drives me nuts and since I was frustrated with it, I kind of put it aside.

Lately I've really missed gaming but I refused to play until I had homework finished for the week and other things. But the other night, I said screw it and played. I have a couple of characters in Jade Dynasty, all of whom I've run through training and got them to the first set of quests. The one pictured I named Seilise, which is the name of a Moon elf character from a short story I wrote a couple of terms ago. Fun fact, that's kind of how I'd pictured her but with different clothes.

Well last night I got on to play and it took forever to run the patches for Neverwinter and my computer shut down on me because I switch wireless usb sticks in my computer when changing wireless mouses. (I had to because Skoora needed mine because it also works for a wireless keyboard, which she needed to use for her laptop because she broke some keys- it's a long drawn out story that's I'll blog about later) Anyway, I get my computer started up again, get things running, the patch finishes and I create a new character for Neverwinter because my Dad told me about a new class that sounded really awesome. Scourge Wizard. Only when I start to play my computer just shuts off for no reason. I thought it had overheated but that's not possible because I had it elevated with a small fan pointed at it, pushing cool air under it. So when I got it on again, I ran ccleaner, my malware scanner, my antivirus scanner, and my spybot scanner. Everything looks okay and I don't know what's going on. I might just have to back everything up and get the upgrade for Windows 8.1. I've been putting it off for quite awhile.

So all of that aside, I went to bed after a nice warm shower. I was hurting pretty bad and well, needed to take a shower anyway. But I awoke in the middle of the night my entire body so tense it hurt, shivering and shaking uncontrollably, but I wasn't cold. I got up and barely made it to the bathroom and woke Skoora up long enough to get me some Tylenol and find and plug in the heating pad for my back. We have on that shuts off after 30 minutes. When I got settled back in bed with the quilt and another blanket and the heating pad, I slowly stopped shaking and shivering. But, like I said, I wasn't even cold to begin with. At least I didn't feel cold. It's so upsetting because I don't know if I am sick or if this is just another withdrawal symptom of my depression meds, or if there is something else going on. It is certainly something I will have to speak to my doctor about when I can afford to get into see her. 

The little ways people disrespect you

Narcisa on the Kitty Tower

Last time I posted I wrote about how Skoora's Dad calls Narcisa "Narcisa A. Frog". Well I haven't really been too thrilled with that, because like I said I would like cat to learn her name first before we give her nick names. So, as usual, it was a matter of me giving in. Did I want my cat to be named Narcisa. A Frog? No. Do I want her called 'Cisa' or 'Cisa Pissa'? I will probably never get to have kids of my own and that's okay. I've always viewed my animals as my kids and every parents gets to name their kids what they want. Now here's where it gets interesting.

Skoora's Aunt Lola came over today and she's one of the most judgmental people I've ever met. She talks shit on Honey Boo Boo but will watch Duck Dynasty and other assorted reality TV shows. Anyway, this woman actually sat on our sofa and asked me if I would help her come up with some 'real different hors d'oeuvres' for a party she is throwing sometime this month. Skoora's mom immediately pipes up "Oh yeah, we'll help you". Firstly, I never agreed, never even had the chance to and secondly, if she jumps in really quick with the word "we" it really means that she will take over the project completely and never even give me a chance to do anything or she will take over it and dictate how everything will be done.  Already on edge today from still being out of depression meds and having wide spread pain throughout my body from the fibromyalgia and on top of the lower back pain that's really started kicking up again, you can imagine how pissed I was with what came next.

Not two minutes after asking me to cook for her party, Aunt Lola looks at Narcisa and starts talking about how the name doesn't fit her because she's too spunky. That Narcisa will never learn her name because it's too long and that there are articles to prove that cats don't answer to names more that one or two syllables. She said Narcisa doesn't answer to her name because she doesn't like it. Further Aunt Lola doesn't like the name and refuses to call her by it. When I tried to argue that Narcisa doesn't answer to her name because we've only had her a little over a month and in that time it's no wonder since no one will actually call her by her name, Lola argued that it was because the name didn't fit and that Narcisa just doesn't like it. 

What. The. Fuck?! What is she suddenly the "Cat Whisperer"? Narcisa is learning her name, it isn't too hard for her because I call her and she looks at me. Not all the time but a lot of the time, usually when she isn't wound tighter than a spring. If Narcisa was a human child, Aunt Lola and Skoora's parents probably wouldn't like it but they would be a little more respectful about it. Narcisa is my cat, not Lola's, and not Skoora's parent's. MINE, so if I want to name my cat Narcisa, then they are going to call her by her name. Not doing so, for me, at this stage of the game, after three years of little things like this all piling up, is just another way of them disrespecting me and I have well passed had it. 

For fuck's sake, my mother who has never been able to hear or pronounce things very well, had me repeat Narcisa's name to her several times so she should learn it. She is the one person who actually has an excuse for not saying or needing to cut Narcisa's name down and she puts forth the effort to say it right out of respect for me. 

 

The Adventures of Narcisa A. Frog. The 1st Adventure: Narcisa in the Fridge.

I had intended on just calling Narcisa just that, but Skoora's Dad insists on calling her Frog or Froggy. I've had to get on to him about that because I want her to learn her name. I told him I didn't mind if her name became Narcisa A. Frog so long as he called her by her name to being with. (The Frog comes from her jumping about like one, A just means A kind of like the.) 

Any way she gets into everything! She is rambunctious and generally a pest to the other cats. One night I managed to snag my white digital camera back from Skoora's Mom- she uses it for work- long enough to catch some video. I kind of want to make some more video and make a little series of short videos. So here is the first, please ignore the mess of the house, it doesn't usually look this messy. 

 

Weird urges, football cupcakes, and holy crap do I have a lot of laundry!

Today, while taking a break from homework, I checked my facebook and a cousin had posted some really dumb ass article about what every basic white girl does. I think I only actually do three on the list of I think it was 20 or maybe 27 and only a couple others were things I would like to do. Standing in line for the next Iphone is not one of them. Sorry, I'm not on that bandwagon. I've had the same phone for the last several years and while I will one day replace it, it will be for another Samsung (but that day is very far away). Le gasp! Anyway, on to the point. Somehow, while looking at the blurb about fall hair color, I ended up on Pinterest, looking at someones board and ran across this lovely picture of "Everyday is Oktoberfest" nail color. Oddly enough while ogling this pretty color, I started to get the urge to paint my nails. But it didn't stop there. I actually looked at "fall hair colors" and make up and nail polish ideas and thought about perhaps trying out some fun make up. I have an eye shadow pallet with 88 shimmer colors that Skoora bought me for Christmas last year so I thought about this...

and this

I think I have all of these colors too. I probably won't get up and do this tomorrow morning, but I do like to play with my make up now and then. It seems to be time again. I probably won't do my nails until this weekend, maybe. 

Skoora and I went to the library today. We used her parent's car to get there. It was pretty much an essential trip. Skoora can't write much at all when at home. Her parents pushed for her to go back to school but then they don't want to turn television volume down or stop talking long enough for her to actually get anything done, much less leave her alone. Granted Skoora is one of the biggest procrastinators I know, but still, her parents have bothered me enough that it's hampered me as well. I mean you can only turn up the volume of your music so loud before it hurts or you can't even think yourself. And having someone actually try to carry on a conversation with you despite seeing and knowing you have headphones on, not taking the hint what so ever, is really annoying. But what really makes me so angry I couple spit nails, is that her mother refuses to own up that she a huge hindrance. She almost never stops talking, she is always calling for Skoora to do things, and there's more, but she had the audacity to say "don't blame me because you can;t do your homework." Let me tell you something, I wait to start my homework in the mornings until after Skoora's mother leaves and I try to get as much done before she comes home. 

So needless to say, I clamped my mouth shut tight, and hurried from the house with my homework and laptop as fast as I could because I am in such a way, that if I did say what was on my mind, no one would have accomplished anything. Feelings would have been hurt, and I might have had to call my parents to see if they could get gather enough money between themselves and my Grandparents for me to move back home for good. Seriously, I have had it. Actually, I've been at the end of my rope for a very long time. Skoora is finally reaching that point too. And today, I told her, while on the way to the library, that I know there have been times when I needed her and kept her from getting as much homework accomplished, but at least I admit it and have been really trying to not be such a bother.

After the library trip, I drove us to Wal-Mart for some treats. Yeah, I know, I really shouldn't have but we don't get treats that often any more because I am trying to push us toward healthier food. But today, I just needed some damn chocolate and since I crave salt all the time, some potato chips. We still have some food stamps so that's how we were able to afford these things. We ended up with some chips, a discounted batch of brownies with little football rings on top (not that I care two shits for American football, I like European and Liverpool is my team if I have to have one -oh the days of Michael Owen before he was traded to Madrid), I got Ding Dongs for Skoora, two bottles of Ginger Ale because I wanted a soda fix. But I did choose to get a few marginally healthy things, one being a can of ravioli, two boxes of lean pockets for when we run out of sandwich stuff, and the only granola bar I don't have to make myself and it's pumpkin flavored! It also has lots of seeds and less granola, which makes me happy. And I managed to only spend 20 dollars of our food stamps. It should all last us several of days if we really thin it out and only really eat this stuff for a snack or a very small treat. 

When I went into our room to hide our treats (I have the strongest will power out of anyone in the house and I find that a little frightening), I really looked at our laundry situation. Holy fuck! I think half of our clothes and all of our towels are dirty. I really need to do laundry and I will, if I can get someone to help me carry the baskets into the laundry closet. I'm getting stronger, but I'm not that strong.  As much as I don't like admitting that I am not house wife extraordinaire, I know my limits. 

Awful doesn't even begin to cover how I feel, cats, my college sent my name to someone...

Our Kitties

Oh look, I made silly cat picture thing and the pic was taken with my shitty phone camera (the phone is way out dated but if it ain't broke, don't replace it? Actually it beeps at me all the time and is so annoying but I am too stubborn to drop over $100 on cell phone). Anyway the kitties are from front to back, Ellie, Narcisa, and then Galen.

A short update on Narcisa: She is a little rambunctious pest! I love her so much! She is lovable at night and sometimes during the day. Sometimes I swear she can fly but doesn't quite have the hang of it. She jumped from the desk to the bed the other day but didn't calculate properly and crashed face first into the side of the bed. She also likes to hang out in the refrigerator. It's cool, dark when she shut the door, and there's food! Of course we don't let the door stay closed for more than a few seconds and we're trying to discourage her from going in there. She also loves to climb the curtains, push the other cats out of chairs and off the cat tower. Did I mention that she plays in the litter box? She goes in, does her business, and then plays in the litter. It is so gross! But she is finally learning her name and she seems to not want to be far from Skoora or me when we are home.  

 And that ends the happier portion of today's blog post.

I feel like shit! I've felt like shit the last couple of days and it is't the usual lower back pain, fibromyalgia pain, or the occasional migraine. Or even this new health issue of anemia which I can't seem to shake. Nope, it's worse. I am out of my depression meds and have been for three days. I called them into the pharmacy but we don't have the money to go pick them up. Skoora's mom said she'd pick them up but she hasn't and we have to borrow money for gas so we can go to Spokane tomorrow to turn in some job applications and then be back in time to pick a friend's brother up from school and take him home, and then I think Skoora is going to donate plasma. Maybe, maybe after she does that- assuming we don't have to put more gas into the car, I can finally get this medication and get it back into my system. 

Not having it has been simply awful. I've had so many panic attacks, bouts of crying, and worst of all, melt downs. I had one while driving yesterday and had to take a xanax as soon as we arrived home. That pretty much ruined the evening because I slept through it. I did manage to come out of the heavy, groggy sleep for a few hours, but I didn't get much accomplished. Oh wait, we went to the store, had dinner, and I played some mindless games on facebook for half an hour before going back to bed. 

That's just the mental and emotional withdrawal affects. The physical is almost as bad and probably doesn't help the aforementioned. There's a little nausea, but but there's also some sluggishness (as if I didn't already have trouble with that lately). Still the worst part is this kind of hypersensitivity to everything in a way that doesn't quite feel real. I don't know how to explain it. There's a tingling right on the edge of everything, there but not quite. I'm itchy off and on and I feel kind of gross all over. Every little thing bothers me more and more. I'm not able to concentrate very well and keep flipping back and forth between things like I did when I was a kid and suffering from ADHD. I grew out of that, thankfully. But the fact that I can't focus on one thing and get it accomplished from point A to point B really pisses me off. 

I really want to talk to my doctor about switching to another anti-depressant. I hate the withdrawal symptoms of this one. I hate that it is so expensive that I have to go to another town just to get a discount so I can almost afford it. I am going to ask her to put me back on something that I have had before. Something that doesn't have these horrible withdrawal effects that way if I run out and can't get it for a couple of days, I am okay and not ready to tear at my own skin and vomit. Something which has a generic version and is actually affordable and that I can pick up from a local pharmacy. 

I suppose there is one more good thing I have to report. My college apparently sent my name to some association for Leadership and Success who in turn e-mailed my school e-mail to let me know that firstly, and secondly to invite me to join them. Ever paranoid of scams and such, I have at least looked at their website. I still have a few days in which to really review them and contact my academic adviser before the "deadline to join" ends. But from a brief glance, it doesn't cost anything and I would be eligible for certain scholarships. I will look into them more in depth over the next few days after I get some homework done and out of the way. Strangely enough my writing class has less homework than my World Mythology class. 

Speaking of my World Myth class, I am doing an "in black board wiki" page on the Norse Goddess Freyja and her Brisingamen necklace. On top of that we have to do loads of reading from the book, articles, the week's overview, and sometimes watch videos, and do discussion board posts. Next week we are supposed to watch a movie and take certain notes while analyzing it. And on top of all of that we are to do a mythic archaeology project on ourselves and write a paper on the three biggest decisions of our lives and try to find out the mythical connotations behind them. I foresee myself drinking vodka or sangria's or even white russians while doing that project.   

But yeah, that's just about it for today. I need to get ready for bed, have an early day tomorrow. I'm turning in a job application for a library in Spokane tomorrow and Skoora is turning one in in Spokane Valley. We have lots to do after that and part of me thinks I might have already written this somewhere today... Shit, time for bed!

   

 

Haunted Humpday #2: Vampire Kick

Rosario Vampire

Apparently I am on a serious Vampire kick lately. Sunday I watched several episodes of Vampire Diaries season 4 while working on an afghan. I've also been reading pretty much nothing but Vampire Romance novels when not doing homework. And I have two short story ideas lined for my Intermediate Fiction Writing class this term. So, I'll run with the vampy theme! 

Rosario Vampire (the anime): So far I believe I have only seen season one on netflix. It's about a human boy who accidentally ends up on the bus for a school filled with Paranormal beings. (Or was it an accident?) And he is really not supposed to be there! There he meets several girls who all adore him (some might even love him- this is one of those harem type anime's with some male geared fan service). Still, all of that being said there is plenty of fun, plenty of seriousness, and I kind of want to see to the rest of the series as well as read the manga. 

The Moth Diaries: I saw this movie several moths ago and well, it's kind of weird but I like weird. It's about some girls at a boarding school and new girls arrives. There's jealousy, one girl thinks the new girls is stealing her friend away, some mysterious things happen and oh wait... Is the new girl more than what she seems? 

Vampire Diary: This movie has been in my netflix queue for several months and I finally watched it tonight to take a break from my homework- and also as a distraction which will be talked about in another post. It was really interesting. I didn't think it was going to be found footage, but I don't really mind found footage. Anyway, it's about a woman who is making a documentary of the weekend vampire scene in London. While at one of these gatherings she stumbles on a beautiful female Vampire who is filming her in return. They end up becoming lovers pretty quickly, there are some definite surprises, death, some sex, and birth. It was was certainly a different take on vampire society and how they conduct themselves. 

Sadly, I don't have any crafts to show case this week or any stories. It's strictly visual media based (I've been really sick and had a huge load of homework last week). However, next week I am hoping to have more. We're going to dig my Halloween/autumn stuff from the garage and I might even have written one of the Vampire themed short stories for class to post.  Until next week, have a happy...