2017 beginning with no illusions.

2016 is over and we are 3 days into 2017. I can honestly say that I have no expectations for this year to be any better or any worse than the last. I have hopes that it will be better; Amanda and I are getting married this October. But then again the wedding, at this point in time, is a source of heart break for me. When I think about what should be one of the happiest days of my life, I'm filled with dread and feel the urge to vomit. It's not pre-wedding jitters or even the ceremony or dresses or normal things, its that my parents aren't planning to be there. This isn't because they don't want to be. It isn't because they are morally opposed to my religious/ spiritual choices or even that they are opposed to be marrying a woman. In fact, my parents want me to get married and be happy. No, it's that they don't have the money to come up and I'm not sure Amanda and I will have the money to help them get up. Friends have helped me search for alternative modes of transportation and my Dad even suggested we Skype the damned ceremony. I could do that, I could spend all my time worrying about whether or not cell reception is working, if the connection will hold, if my Parents can see and hear it. But I wanted my Mom to fuss over my hair and I want my Dad to walk me down the isle. But like Great Grandma Ireland always said, "It doesn't hurt you to want". Except in this case, it really does. So, fuck it all. I'm taking a friend's suggestion and I am going to start a "Go Fund Me" page dedicated toward air fair or gas to get my parents from Kansas to Washington. 

Narcisa has been sick lately. We thought it was just a cold that would clear up on its own, but her voice sounds awful. I made her an appointment today with the vet and will be taking her Thursday. Hopefully we can figure out what's wrong with her and help her feel better. She and Thorin are getting along. She even let him cuddle her last night. It was quite cute. 

On to the picture above. I think I mentioned that I was beginning to play EVEOnline- the free version of course- and if I didn't, well, now you know. There is a lot to this game, no really, there is. You can basically do anything in it and its really neat. So far, for a hour or so that I have played, I like the graphics, the music, and while there's a lot to learn, I think I will get the hang of it. 

Back to the new year. I did not make resolutions and haven't really since middle school. So instead I made a list of things I want to work on. They don't have to be complete, since any are on going works, have been, and will be for many years to come. I made a list of seven, just because I thought that was a reasonable and feesable number, and I like odd numbers.

1. Health

2. Writing

3. Wedding

4. Crafts- sewing to painting and so on

5. Heathen and Witch study and practices

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more

7. Quiet time for myself as well as time for just Amanda and I. 

Lastly, Amanda and I went to the Garland Theatre here in town to see Princess Mononoke on the big screen. I really love this theatre because they show old movies and Anime and they aren't horribly expensive. In fact, we only paid 5.00 dollars to get in tonight. We might go to the Labyrinth next week.  

New family addition, Yule, compliments are scary, and snow.

Meet Thorin Oakenshield. He is a 4 month old orange tabby we adopted from Partners For Pets and it seems he was runt of the litter. We don't mind, he's wonderful. He is also very soft, sweet, and cuddly and I love his coloring.  Our friend Chris, who volunteers at the rescue, helped us with his adoption fee as part of our Yule/Christmas present. It is always a little difficult going into the shelter because there are so many great kitties there that I just want to wrap up in a blanket and bring home. However, I do love that this place is a true no kill shelter. In fact they have a cat or two that they've taken off the adoption roster for whatever reason, and those kitties will live out the rest of their lives at the shelter. 

Excuse my sans-makeup appearance. Thorin is quite the little boob man/ shoulder kitty. He loves to curl up in your face. However, he is afraid of my sewing machine. Poor thing trembles when its going. He will get used to it, or I will put him in a safe place with his blanket and toys when I need to use it again. 

It is snowing here again today and I love it. 

We had a really awesome Yule. Amanda and I went to our friends J and L's house where it was packed full of new and familiar faces. It was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in awhile and make new friends. But it was so crowded in the house that I spent most of my time outside by the fire pits. There were two under the pavilion/ tent J had erected. Our friend Dani did the welcoming the baby sun ritual she'd done the year before. I love that ritual! Technology crapped out on her a little bit, but it was still great. Later we had Sumble and honored the Gods, Ancestors, and Folk. That was amazing! J's altar for the Gods was simply beautiful! I will talk a little more about me experience there over on my pagan blog. Anyway, there was delicious home brewed beer and mead, plenty of food, and such pleasant and fun fellowship. But it was fucking cold! Like I said, we spent most of the night outside and despite having a little bit of shelter and two fires, and me wearing two hoodies and a reindeer hide, I was still freezing. But, we made it the whole night, watched the sun rise, and made it home safely. It did take me over an hour to warm up, but it was worth it!

Compliments are really hard for me. They always have been and I'm awkward in receiving them, but also, while I know they are genuine from others, they feel not... right somehow. I expressed as much to Amanda, asking her to deliver some Yule gifts to J, L, Dani, and her husband. She apparently told Dani's husband that I have a hard time accepting compliments and that she is trying to help me with that, so of course I got a little confronted, hugged, and told how great my presents were. I haven't finished everyone who is on my list's gift, but I will share the four I had finished that night. Each one had some homemade soap I'd made earlier in the year. All of the bags are hand embroidered and sewn by me. By the by, knot work is a pain in the ass to do. 

Umbreon for L, because she had a kick ass sexy cosplay as Umbreon and likes anime and Pokemon Go.

Vegvisir for J because he travels a lot and is a leader of his and Dani's husbands Kindred. 

Hugin and Munin for Dani's husband because I know he has some deep conversations and he does a lot on Heathen forums. 

An owl for Dani because I know she likes them, I heard about an experience from a festival she went to, and I think I remembered someone saying that it is her spirit animal. None of the bags are the same size because I haven't decided on a size that I like and some came out smaller than I wanted. It was an experiment and I am learning from it, so that's a bonus for me. Anyway, I have several more to make and am running out of time. Some gifts may have to be sent out or delivered late this year. I miscalculated on how long things would take despite starting at Thanksgiving. 

I'm starting to lose my focus, so I will end here for today. Suffice it to say we have been busy, Amanda's set the kitchen on fire as true to the nick name my Dad gave her, "sparky". We still find the stray piece of glass from the dish that exploded- she forgot to turn off a burner and set a dish of Baklava on it- now and then, despite being really careful to get it all cleaned up. My endless period is also very bad today and I am having trouble staying awake.  Tsuki is also here, so I need to get off my computer. 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Yule and if I don't post again before Christmas, have a happy one! 

Overloaded, disappointed, and no matter what, I am going to find something positive.

from a wallpaper site

There's no better way to ring in the holiday season than a bout of sickness. That's me being sarcastic, but I will get to that more in depth in a moment. First I would like to point out that while I enjoyed the food at Amanda's cousin's restaurant, while I was tickled silly over the singing quartet of elderly men who came in and sang us three songs at Amanda's family Christmas party, and even enjoyed the snow that day as well as my exchange gift (lavender sage hand soap and lotion), I did not enjoy the surge of panic that came along with it. To say that Amanda's family overwhelms me is an understatement of vast proportions. When you get the sisters together (there are six of them) in any combination or number, things are loud, you can't get a word in- there is no point in trying they are going to interrupt and talk over you anyway- you're in for a period of time in which you can't decide if you should run and hide or if you should observe because this might be good fodder for story writing. Then if you add in the kids and the cousins- we had a rather small turn out this year mind you- and pack the into a small place, the noise is much louder, the chaos is worse, and then you stick me in against a wall (because it's the only safe place where there is any breathing room) between two tables and a lot of people scooting and pushing about, Oh My God! I had a lot of problems with my claustrophobia. And, in fact, I was so overwhelmed, that when we finally got home several hours later, I had to do dishes just to calm myself down.  However, thank the gods for the snow! It was the quickest Christmas party to date on account of people worrying whether or not they were going to make it over the pass. While I dread any family gathering of Amanda's or even my family, it wasn't completely a bad time.

Amanda and I are still sick. We finally gave up and went to Urgent Care- mostly because she still needed to go to work and couldn't wait around on her doctor to have an opening and because my doctor doesn't do same day appointments. I apparently have the tail end of a sinus infection (even though I told the guy I saw that it does't feel so much in my sinuses but more in my chest and I am still coughing until I throw up and hacking up bright avocado green ick- yeah, you'll think about that next time you eat avocados won't you?). Instead of just giving me antibiotics to clear the rest out, I was given some cough medicine and nose spray. We will see how well that works. Amanda was given steroids, an inhaler, and cough medicine for an upper respiratory infection. Um, okay. We will see how well that works for her too. If it doesn't, we will be back at urgent care tapping our feet and giving them the stink eye.

I am, for once in my life, really disappointed in my father. There is a job opening at Amanda's job that he is perfect for. Amanda spoke to her boss about it and her boss said my Dad would fit in really well with the security guys there. He was even guaranteed an interview because Amanda works there and could vouch for him, and he might have actually gotten the job. More to the point, we would have let my parents move in with us for as long as they needed to get on their feet. But no, my Dad won't apply for the job and while I understand his reason of him never being able to forgive himself if he got it and took it and having to leave Grandma and Grandpa behind, I am really pissed because that means that he and Mom will be still be stuck in limbo with him have no prospects. It is maddening! What's more, the selfish part of me wants to smack him and say, remember how you felt bad about working too much and us never taking family vacations, you never making me promises, and all that crap, well you could make it up to me by moving up here, and easing my worry about you and Mom, and being close so I could actually spend time with you. But no, their lively hood and anything I want for them or feel doesn't matter over his possibly guilt. Thanks Dad, in a way, you just reinforced some "i'm not important enough feelings" that I have been struggling with. And that my help with mom, who you say is overwhelming you, isn't going to be good enough. Well fuck you too.

That aside, yesterday was a non-stop day. We went to Urgent Care, came home picked up Tsuki, and then Tsuki and I took Amanda to work and went to Winco, where my back kept trying to lock up on me. From there we went to the pharmacy, Wal-mart, McDonalds, and then to Tsuki's house to drop her and her groceries off. Then I drive back downtown to pick Amanda up from work, took the library books back to the library, and came home to cook dinner. The day was filled with a certain amount of embittered sass, a little bit of annoyed road rage, and emotional outbursts. The outbursts took place while I was trying to make dinner. All my anger and frustration exploded in the form of me yelling, slamming cabinets, throwing a package of spaghetti right into the trash only to have it burst and go everywhere. I was exhausted, hurting so much, and just wanted to scream. Oh and I have to rearrange the tupperware and bakeware cabinet because nothing would going in right so I slammed shit around in there. I also got pissed off at my dishwasher. Needless to say, I flipped my shit.

Part of the reason why I was flipping my shit is because I feel so selfish when I try to focus on me, when I want things for myself, and that shit with my Dad. Another reason was because I have gained weight again and I am trying so hard to be kind to myself. It is such a struggle because I have so many years of pent up rage, anger, and hate inside for my body. One of my friends wrote about hating herself and her body just recently and I understand what she is talking about- but from my perspective. I keep telling myself that it is okay to feel these things, to address them and look them in the face, so I can deal with them, but it is fucking hard. It is hard to say, I love myself when I can't push the car seat back any further, and my stomach touches the steering wheel. It is difficult to say I love myself when I am afraid to sleep because my period is so heavy that if I move wrong, or even cough, out gushes a ton of blood. It is hard to say I love myself when I'm having panic attacks about making phone calls to schedule appointments, going to store, and even taking a shower sometimes. It's hard to say I love myself when everything hurts from fibromyalgia. And it is hard to say I love myself when you are terrified that the one time you got drunk at a friend's house, you said something that probably offended a friend and you're already worried that said friend and well friends only tolerate you because you are engaged to Amanda. Yeah, I just said it. I think everyone likes Amanda more and just tolerates me because they want to hang out with her. I am only as good as what I can give or do for other people and beyond that, nothing. I don't make people happy, I can't make them laugh. I am certain most people think me clueless and stupid and don't take me seriously.

I hate my depression and anxiety so much. You have no idea how much it makes me angry. Sometimes, I want to tear my skin off or cut away pieces of myself.  Oh well, I keep telling myself that you have to get worse before you can get better and I am trying to get better. A friend of mine gave me affirmation stickers and one of them says something to the effect "Would you talk to your best friend they way you talk to yourself?" The answer is no, I really wouldn't. I love my friends and I don't want to hurt them or see them hurt by anything or anyone. So why is it okay for me allow the opposite for myself? And why does taking time, focusing on myself and trying to be kind to myself feel so selfish and wrong? Who the hell taught me that or let me believe that? 

Okay last thing and it is a happy one, per se. Amanda, after lots of whining, begging, and puppy-dog eyes, conned me in to doing a written role play with her. I am hesitant to do written role plays because they rarely get finished and I often neglect my own writing in favor of the RP. I do like writing with Amanda though. So last night we were talking about what we were going to write. I'm going to be an Elf, because that's what I was feeling and they are one of my favorite beings. Amanda is going to be a Dragon- also one of my favorite beings. However, I told her that I would only do this RP if she was at my complete and utter disposal for my own writing, that we only did one post a day, and that she has to write at least one page on her novel a week. I want her to finish the damned thing and if this is the only way to push her into it, then damn it, so be it! That said, I do have to come up with a first post today. Good thing it's still early in the day and I already have the roast cooking. 

All she wants for Christmas/ Yule, a friend's tonics, surprise awakenings

Just a pic I found, not my actual kitty...

Amanda wants a kitty for Christmas/ Yule. Both of us have been wanting another baby in the house for awhile now and have been perusing adoption sites off and on. Well, last night, Amanda really started kitty shopping. She showed me so many beautiful cats and I really want them all. It looks like, at the moment at least, we might be getting a little orange Manx boy or girl. Amanda called the breeder today to talk her about the kittens and so far we like what we have heard from the woman and how she is taking care of the cats. Now typically we would never go to a breeder, preferring animal shelters, and we are still looking at the shelters in case we don't mesh with the Manx kitties. I don't know if Amanda is dead set on one of them yet, but we will see. 

My friend Aine saved my butt last night. She brought over a care package consisting of two syrups and a tincture because I am sick. I felt bad because I wanted to pay her for them, I know this stuff isn't necessarily cheap to make, but she didn't care. I'm already feeling a little bit better and one of the syrups she made is relaxing and breaking up all the ick in my chest. I actually coughed up a bit in the middle of the night last night. It was so nice to get that crud out of me. I so have to make her dinner or something. 

Now, since I awoke in the middle of the night to cough stuff up, I'd decided it might be best to go sit up on the sofa. Well, that's all fine and dandy until the maintenance men knock on your door and come into your apartment. Now, I'd still been asleep, was dressed only in tank top and my underwear with a throw blanket over my lap. Because I've so much drainage and what not, I haven't been able to talk very well, add just having been woken up, and yeah, I wasn't going to say anything. I just pulled my blanket up higher and sat really still. Thankfully there is a wall between my kitchen and living room so they couldn't see me unless they came further into the house. However, Amanda was asleep in the bedroom and I was kind of hoping that she would snore. For all her loud snores, the one time we needed her to snore, she didn't, lol. She had kind of woken up too but was hiding as well. 

Anyway, while the guys were changing out the lock, one of them told the other one to keep an eye out because we have a cat. I am thankful and so pleased that he remembered that and was mindful. They also didn't think we were home despite the car being parked outside. But then they were talking about management being so hot to trot on getting the locks changed, especially in my building because "he" -I will explain who I think "he" is in a moment- still has master keys to some apartments and things have been going missing from people in this building. Now, there was a maintenance man who lived in the building beside ours and he was a nice guy but he and his kids suddenly disappeared one day. Given that I don't generally converse with my neighbors, except in passing, I figured he just moved to another complex under the housing authority people along with a manager who left about the same time. But who else would have master keys to apartments other than management and maintenance? No one, unless they stole the keys. Now, this is just my conjecture, it may not be that maintenance man, but my gut leans that direction. 

Well, we have new a new lock now, so any keys we made for friends and family are now useless. If we want any extra keys to our apartment made, we can't get the made ourselves. We have to put in a work order with the office and it will cost us 8 dollars a key. Which, I kind of think is bull shit and a way for them to make some money off of us. However, I am going to have to get at least one spare made for when we go out of town, so someone can come check on Narcisa and the very possible new kitty.

In other apartment news, our lease is up this month and when I asked about it, the manager said that we would be going to a month-to-month type of lease. Which basically means they can raise the rent when ever they want and we will no longer be locked into one set price. That makes me just a tad bit nervous. So, I am kind of looking for back up places in case we need or have to move. And we might have to if my Dad gets a job up here. *fingers crossed*

Speaking of my parents, I learned that my mother's neurologist did drop her as a patient, but not because he didn't want to deal with her, it was because she doesn't have medical insurance and because he is pretty sure she has some kind of movement disorder. Of course the nearest specialist is in Kansas City. My parents can't afford to go there, they can't afford the wear and tear on their truck either. So he called my mom's primary physician and explained to her what is going on. He doesn't see the reason for my parents to shell out money they don't have for him to see my mom, when Mom's primary doctor can give her the medicine. So there is that, at least. However, at the moment, my mom has pneumonia and my Dad hasn't been feeling so great lately either. 

   

Lastly, I talked to my friend Felicia this morning. I am passed all those initial, negative feelings about her eldest daughter. I think I just needed to feel them that night acknowledge them, and let them go. Now, I am just really sad and back to wishing there was something I could do to help, to make things easier for their family. But my feelings aside, I listened to Felicia's misgivings about their coming move back to Arizona. It sounds like she doesn't really want to go, that she is worried about a lot. Also, her husband and his sister are taking care of everything and not letting her know what's going on. It is driving her nuts. Which raises a lot of red flags for me. Communication is a big thing for me when in a relationship and with their family, having 4 kids, having a daughter with special needs and perhaps other mental issues, who has proven herself to be violent and vindictive and threatening, you have to be on the same page period. My biggest fear for them is that they will get down there and everything will blow up in their faces. I know these are not my battles, but they Felicia is like a sister to me, I love her kids, and yeah, her husband can be a dick sometimes, but he's family too. I want what is best for them, and yes, even if it means that they have to move away.

So much work, Xmas/ Yule, Sick, Snow, Happy Kitty

I couldn't tell you...

Much to my great annoyance, I am sick again. Last night I spent a good deal of time shivering in front of the space heater waiting for Ibuprofen to kick in, and kill the fever. That really sucked and it was worse when it did finally break because then I was drenched with sweat. I did manage to get to sleep for a little while, but woke up with a runny nose and said screw it, got up, and went to sleep sitting up on the sofa. Of course I awoke freezing again. But for a little while, last night, I got to watch it snow. It was beautiful! I know a lot of people around me don't care much for snow, I know it rainy and snowy weather makes them ache and hurt more. Well, it does the same to me, but I am happiest when it's overcast, rainy, or snowy. Even when I am sick.

I have a lot of work to do between now and Yule and then Christmas. I haven't been working on presents the last couple of days, but today, I am going to get my butt in gear as much as I am able. Unfortunately, some of friends read my blog and so I can't disclose what I am doing. I will take pictures of finished goods and share them after people have received their gifts. And unfortunately, this year's Yule and Christmas are going to be a little sparse. Amanda and I are making things because we can't afford much. 

Last night, instead of cleaning the house like we said we were going to do, Amanda and I packed away all of the Halloween stuffs, and pulled out the Christmas/ Yule decor. We made a couple of bags of "to go" because there are some things that we don't want or need anymore, much less have the room for. That and I really like the more "natural" look or as some people might call it, "Rustic". Our tree, for the moment is a 4 foot fiber optic leaning thing that is driving Amanda nuts. She was so frustrated with it last night that I told her we would get the other tree from her parents, take the ornaments off the fiber optic tree, put them on the soon to be acquired tree, and move the fiber optic one to the kitchen table- which is now in front of the kitchen window. This way we have more pretty lights and Amanda will be happier. When we get everything in place, I will take pictures.  

I don't know why Amanda likes some of my wild ideas sometimes. I said, in more of a passing thought than anything, that it might be cool to move the bed out into the living room so we could enjoy the Christmas lights and fireplace. *facepalm* She took me seriously. She wants to move the sofa, and all the living room furniture around to make this happen because no one will be coming to visit us really this winter so why not?! I don't think its a good idea. I like going to the other room to go to bed. Except sometimes, like when I am sick and need to sleep sitting up on the sofa and want her company, but she will only sleep in the bed- because she is lame like that. 

We have a very happy kitty. Amanda moved Narcisa's bed from in front of one of the windows in the living room and put it between the side table holding our Christmas tree and the fire place. Our friend Tsuki gave me a small, round heating pad for when my cramps are really bad, but I have this terrible habit of falling asleep with the heating pad on, thus I haven't been using it much. Well, Amanda gave it a slightly new purpose, tucking it under the frist layer of blankets on Narcisa's kitty bed. She loves it! She melts into a black, furry, puddle. Amanda also set up a couple of Narcisa's stuffed animal toys along the wall like pillows. Not only does my cat have a better bed than I do, but its cuter too.

Death Parade, Pissed off Grandma a little bit, a world of anger, frustration, and hurt, can't stop crying.

I really want snow, even more than I did the last time I posted. 

Amanda and I have begun watching Death Parade. It;s an interesting anime about beings who judge where people go when they die. 

In other news I pissed off my Grandma by saying that my friend Felicia's eldest sister insisting that she take her Autistic and probably psychopathic daughter to church will basically be a cure all wasn't going to help anything or be worth it. I said that church can't and won't fix her. My reasoning is that the person going to church has to want to go, has to have a desire for it help. The child in question doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself. Its not her fault, mentally she just doesn't operate that way. What is important is getting her into extensive therapy so she doesn't end up hurting herself or those around her in the mean time and in the long term, doesn't end up dead or in jail.

Speaking of said child, I admit to hating her last night. I allowed myself to hate her for a few hours, let myself feel that emotion, and told myself that I could be irrational and selfish but that tomorrow- which is now today- I needed to let that go. So far so good. The reason for my hostile feelings spring from the fact that Felicia and her husband told us last night that they are moving back to Arizona. It all boils down to their eldest daughter. Felicia is the first person since I left Kansas that I could feel completely relaxed around, let my guard down around, and she didn't judge me for just being me. She's my soul sister and I got attached her and her family, and now they are leaving. So, I can't stop crying. I cried the whole way home from their house, I cried a couple of times last night, and I've cried off and on all morning. Felicia admitted to me last night that she is worried about me. Yeah, well, so is my therapist to be honest. 

I've seen some upsetting things on the internet- mostly facebook- the last couple of days. Someone shared a video of speech by some guy of a group called Alt-Right. I saw hitler salutes in the vid, I heard disturbing things said, and I was left a little scared and disgusted. I can't believe in this day and age, when this fucking planet has so much going for it, there is still so much racism. I've seen a story abut a little black boy getting attacked too. Hate crimes are on the rise, there was even a guy in South Africa who was kidnapped and two white men tried to stuff him in a coffin. Who does that to a person?! On top of it, there's all the crap happening in South Dakota with the stupid pipeline. Plice are spraying Native Americans with water cannons, shooting them with rubber bullets, and mace and just because they want to protect water. I am tried of racism, politics, stupid people, and I just want snow. 

On a more positive note, I now have a gynocologist. Amanda took the day off to go with me because I don't want to go alone. Still working on a new doctor. I have to wait until the office is open again and go fill out a medical records release form, have my doctor fax my records to the new doctor where he will look them over and let me know if he wants to take me on or not. 

Other than that, I did do a little black friday shopping today. I went to Joann's fabic and craft store and spent 35 dollars and apparently saved 106 dollars. I basically just got some supplies for xmas/yule presents, found a couple of Halloween clearance items, found 5 sewing patterns (they had a 5 for 5 dollars sale), and got the heck out of there.   

Season's chill, adjustments, and doing things I dread.

Found this one on desktop nexus. Gonna look for the artist, love it this work!

Today I am trying a new schedule per se. I haven't typed it up and Amanda told me not to make it so rigid as my last one, but to allow for some flexibility. The purpose of this is for me to allow myself time and give myself permission to do all the things I want and need to do. A large part of my problem, I've discovered, is that I have been unconsciously waiting for someone to give me permission to do things. But why? I still don't really know the answer to that, unless it has to do with a lost of independence and self stability, self esteem, and confidence. Probably just hit the nail on the head right there. Any way, I am trying out 2 hour increments with wiggle room in case I go over on a few things. Frankly, as hard as it is going to be, I need to stop beating myself up about stupid shit.

This morning there was a nice chill in the air. I cracked the bedroom window last night and had the fan on the highest it would go. Because Amanda is a veritable furnace, I am still sleeping with just a sheet and summer quilt. She fuses that it's cold meanwhile I am loving it! Besides, the best part is getting to snuggle down in the covers or being able to curl up on the sofa in the living room with a cozy blanket, coffee, and the space heater for a little bit before having to take her to work. 

We have a winter bucket list of sorts. One of those things is to play in the snow when it comes. I want snow to come so bad. I'm the kind of person that finds the above picture so terribly inviting. I keep checking the weather radar looking for snow and complaining about all the other places around us that are getting it while we aren't. Some of my friends might think I  am sick, but damn it, part of the draw for me to move up here, was the promise of more snow. More snow means making more snow dragons, sofas, and igloos! 

Of course with all my hoping for snow and lots of it, this means that the tug of winter and the Yuletide season is strong. Amanda and I both have felt the pull to put away the Halloween decor and bring Yule back. We brought home an Xmas tree from her parents house and will be working on setting it up and other things over the next week or so. 

Lastly, today I am going to do things I dread. Because I am done with my current doctor and her bullshit- she claims that she didn't refill my depression medication because the pharmacy sent her a note saying that I am not taking it properly, which is total crap, and I still haven't received a referral for a GYN specialist like she said she was going to get me- I am on the hunt for a new doctor and I'm going to find my own GYN. Of course this means I will be on the phone with strangers, which after working in two call centers and having a breakdown from it, I pretty much stare at my phone with trepidation when it rings. If I know the person, I will answer, if I don't, forget it. And sometimes, I can't being myself to answer if I do know the person. I hate calling people too, unless, again it is someone I know, and generally speaking I don't like to have long drawn out conversations. But, unfortunately today I have to deal with my necessary evil and just get it done and over with. I'm promising myself a nap with it's done.