Life exploded in my face, keep it together, and listening to the rain.

First, before I get into the emotional and mental upheaval and turmoil that left me telling Amanda that I loved her but don't want to be here anymore (which is only half true), I want to report that it is raining! For me, despite the aches that come with the rain, it it like a good omen and salve to my tattered nerves. I love the rain and gloomy days are always better for me all around. I'm reminded by that song from Garbage, "Only happy when it rains". 

On to the shit!

It began with a letter from DSHS (Department of social and health services,). I have to do a review to keep my food stamps. Okay, no big, I've done it before, all it takes is a phone call. Except there was another letter from my new case worker, who sent a letter detailing that I need to get into my doctor within the next x amount of days to be reevaluated. I don't actually have a doctor at this moment. I mean my insurance assigned me a new one when my doctor ended her contract with them. So, not only do I know if this new woman is taking new patients, but I have never met her nor do I know if she is actually going to do anything to help me. So I have to deal with all of that. Okay. So that on top of the wedding stuff is stressful. But it gets worse. 

My Mother called and informed me that my Dad may not actually get to come to my wedding. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that they can't afford to lose a week of his pay. But that there was something he was working on but he wouldn't tell her and if it came through he might get to come. Then she proceeded to tell me all the ways I have to be okay with this. Are you fucking kidding me?! I felt so sick while on the phone with her. I felt like I just don't matter, that work will always come before me, and it was all so much worse because I was finally allowing myself to get excited at the prospect that they were both finally coming. I mean, they didn't come when they actually had the money, which was really shitty because at that time I had really needed them too, but I never fussed. 

After a good cry in which I told Amanda that I feel like I'm just not worth anything, that this kind of thing just reinforces it over and over again, that I have these urges to tear my skin off, and that I love her but I don't want to be here anymore, that I can't do this anymore, I called my Mom back angry. I told her that I needed to know what the fuck was going on because I did not get heat sick, over work my body, and stress out over helping Rachel for nothing. She didn't know. So I called my Dad, who was pissed at her for mentioning anything to me in the first place.

Apparently there are some new things happening with my Dad's two jobs. He might get full time. He might become an assistant manger, he might get extra work, or he might get hired at a correctional facility in another county. If none of that works out, my Dad says that they will never dig themselves out of the hole if he loses a week in pay. Grandma and Grandpa can't help them out anymore- which I more than understand. He said he never would have told my mom anything because she is so OCD and fixates on thing, except he had to tell her something because otherwise, she would hound him about not telling her anything. Apparently she kept her mouth shut for a couple weeks but was mad at him and said that he had to tell me himself. Except he didn't want to say anything until he knew something. But I told him, he had to keep me updated because I will have to deal with the air line to get the name on the ticket changed if my cousin Shi-Chan comes in his place, and if she doesn't, then I need to get a refund for the ticket and I need to do all of that soon.

While I was still raw over the crap with my parents, yesterday morning Amanda got a message on her cell phone from one of our apartment managers. They need more information on her 401k. She never signed up for 401k at work, her job automatically signs everyone up for it. The truth of the matter is, we are supposed to be signing a lease this week but they are looking for ANY reason they can use to kick us out. The apartment complex recently became a tax credit complex- which means they want as many low income and state subsidized tenants as they can get because they can charge a higher rent. The tenants will pay a small portion of that and the state will pay the rest. For people like Amanda and I, we don't get charged the higher rent, we get charged a market price. So we don't make them more money. 

I knew, several months ago, they would pull this shit around the wedding time, but tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay- that I wouldn't lose my apartment, that everything would be fine. But this shit with Amanda's 401k, they want to use it to say that we make too much to live here. So, yesterday I began looking for studio apartments or even one bedroom apartment. They are either as much or even more rent than we pay now. I did find a two bedroom for less than we pay but no pets are allowed. Technically, my cats are therapy animals but when you tell an apartment manager that, a lot of them will find some other reason not to let you live there to get out of having to accommodate therapy animals.  

So there was talk of living with Cathy and Francis. FUCK NO! I can't move back to Idaho and live with them in that tiny apartment. Plus they can't have two more animals in there, not with the new management. I would also lose my health insurance and Amanda would have a longer bus ride and we would pay out more in gas for her to drive back into Washington to get to the bus that would take her to work. We could live with Rachel, but I don't want to burden her despite that she offered. 

There was even more talk about finding a housing lender that will lend to people with student loans who are in the first time home buyer's program. We have been assured that they are out there, but we have to find them ourselves. So the thought was that Cathy and Francis would help us get the ernest money and move in with us for 6 months to A) help us out and help us save up a buffer by paying half of everything and B) allow them to pay less money out so they can save to get a better car and find an apartment here in Washington. That could work. Especially if we have more space to escape and find quiet. And we wouldn't have to worry about the cats. 

Where this is a problem, is time. We are getting married in less than a month and we may not have an apartment in less than a month and we have people coming and the fucking wedding! Outwardly, yesterday I was a sobbing mess. I cried every few minutes and couldn't seem to stop. Internally, I was screaming. 

Then, on top of all of that, Rachel called to tell us that we couldn't take our car to her mechanic because he's not certified to get our car up to snuff to pass emissions. That, I can deal with easiely, I just have to find a certified mechanic. The problem we couldn't deal with very well, was that the damned car doesn't seem to want to accept gas when we try to fill it up. Amanda couldn't even get two gallons in yesterday and she said it was spitting the gas out, but the car was almost empty. 

I. Cant. Even!

By the time I got home, after crying most of Sunday and off and on all day yesterday, I turned into this, and attacked my desk to try and put all of this into something I could at least get a grip on and try to handle feasibly. Amanda worked on trying to finish up our wedding ceremony and she made me dinner. Since I fussed a little on facebook, a couple of friends have offered to help in different areas, which is really nice because honestly, most of the time growing up and even as an adult I could do things for other people but they couldn't be bothered to do anything for me and it hurt, a lot. 

Anyway, I have a list. First, I'm going to call my supposed new doctor and see if I can't get an appointment with her this week when Amanda can go in with me. Then I need to call DSHS. Then I need to call the mechanic and see if I can't get the car in. Then I am going to call Rachel's landlord to see if he has any rentals available. Then I need to call a list of lenders to see who will work with us. Then I need to deal with the apartment managers and tell them they will deal with me because Amanda and I are getting married next month and anything pertaining to her will also pertain to me and they can just fucking deal with it.  At some point I need to make lunch and dinner and finish the painting I for Amanda's birthday, pick up the house, and start some laundry, oh and shower. And I have to do all of this without losing my shit or having panic attacks because of being on the phone with strangers. Nope, still haven't been able to shake the phobia of talking on the phone with strangers from the call centers I've worked for. You get told enough times that someone hates you or wants to kill you because you interrupted American Idol or some shit and you just stop wanting to even look at a phone. 

And in all of this, Fiona is trying to help but I know what she really wants is for us to allow her to help so she can move in with us and get out of her shitty situation but really, I will kill her if I live with her. I love her, she's like a sister, but I will kill her. She also wants to start doing spiritual stuff and I just can't even think about setting that up right now. 

So, yeah. I'm going to get on that now that's it's after 8 and businesses are finally open.  I can't decide whether I want to cry or be horribly angry and all I want to do is curl up on my sofa and binge watch anime- because anime always makes me feel better. And I hurt today. Its another fibro flare up day- which doesn't help. So wish me lots of luck, I will need all of it!

    

A little Halloween and some coming clean

Last night Amanda drove us out a little passed Nine Mile Falls to a place called Creepy Hallow in Suncrest. For 5 dollars each we were taken on a tour through a haunted house in the woods. Upsides: coffee/ cocoa to drink, being out in the woods on a chilly-wet night, enjoying the atmosphere and creepy music. Down sides: Amanda twisted her ankle on the way to the car, my inner theater student kicked in and wished the actors could have been a little bit more convincing, and it was so dark that we couldn't really enjoy all the fun props. Otherwise, it was a fun and I liked getting out to do something. 

Tomorrow night, Halloween, I am not wholly sure what we are doing. I am supposed to make soup and I might make some bread if I feel up to it. We will probably watch some movies too. 

In coming clean, I have to confess that I honestly don't know how I wrote the story for Magaly's contest or posted for the last Haunted Humpday. Both seem like they happened ages ago. Even the Halloween party we had last weekend feels that way. My depression and anxiety rode in on the crash-down from the hype of our Halloween party, took up residence, and was especially terrible this entire week. I couldn't clean my house. Taking a shower was extra daunting. I don't remember if I got dressed most of the week, much less brushed my hair. I had fights with myself to move off the sofa, to do the dishes, to DO something besides watch Netflix. There was a lot of fear, crying, panic, self abasement and loathing, and so on. It was made worse when I tried to do some self reflection journaling for book group I am in. That topped me right over and only seemed to make things worse. In fact, when I found myself laying in bed, sobbing my eyes out thinking that I should leave Amanda so she could get into a cheaper apartment and do stuff she wanted to do, move back to Kansas to see my parents and grandparents and hopefully I would be dead in a year, I forced myself out of bed, choked down a full xanax and put myself back to bed. 

Thursday was I saw my therapist. She said that self reflection journaling shouldn't do this. she's having me do a worksheet as a starting point to get to the root of stuff so we can go from there. 

I started to feel better Friday and even yesterday but when I woke up today, I felt like I was being pulled down again. The situation was only exacerbated when we discovered that one of our oh so charming neighbors had stolen one of the pumpkins we grew, right off our patio table. And this is after earlier in the week having stupid kids pulling disturbing pranks. I'm just so sick of it. There is no point in reporting any of it because the management won't do anything and the neighborhood policing effort lives to the side of us but is never open to talk to. I have never had so much trouble in any of the places that I have lived. 

I have also applied for ABD, it's a help service in my state and I am hoping that they can help me figure out how to start all the crap for disability. *sigh*

Right now Amanda is playing with the fire, it's raining, Fiona has Halloween cartoons on the TV, and I'm going to find the pumpkin risotto recipe for Amanda. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better because I don't want to be miserable on my favorite day of the year.     

Weather maps, sitting in the dark, crafty things

I've only seen the XXXholic movie so I don't know much about the show or manga, anyway, I adored the little drinking buddy and bought myself a plush of him before I got with Amanda. He's been hanging out in the living room lately. Today, mostly in effort to keep Narcisa from stealing my hair bows, I put the on the drinking buddy's ears. Not only does he look adorable, but he's expressing his inner Goth. I found the hair bows at Walmart of all places, in the Halloween section. I will introduce them properly in my Haunted Humpday post tomorrow because I have another set and a couple of other fun goodies to share. For now think of this picture as a preview. 

Today I am sitting in the dark- well sort of. I have the patio door open so I can enjoy the nice 47 degree, cloudy weather, and have the side table lamp on long enough for me to write this post. As soon as I am finished, I will turn it off. Since I awoke to a beautiful, gloomy day, I checked the weather app on my computer. I love this app because I can look at the weather in my "favorite" places too. So, I look at weather in different parts of the United States, Japan, Europe, and some times I just sit and look at the structure of the coast lines. I know its weird, but I like maps and I like watching the flow and progression of weather. I'm sure most of my friends would groan, but I have been itching for snow. I get it, we are getting older and colder weather, fronts, and rain makes the bones and joints ache, but snow is amazing and so is rain!

Crafty things! I have a felt project I am either doing today or tomorrow. I saw it on pinterest and when I showed it to Amanda, she liked it so much she thinks we need to do a lot. Good thing felt is cheap. My friend Rachel brought me a craft project last night, it is die cut wood that I can paint and string up as garland. She brought me some other little things too, but I am saving them for tomorrow.

I ganked this twisted pixies' instagram page. Twisted pixies makes pretty gothic jewelry and often has interesting little quote pics like this. I thought this one was fitting in light of how I have been feeling lately and because some of my friends have a similar struggles in their lives. Certainly it is a different perspective and kind of an uplifting one, although I'm not saying we are damaged, but if anyone feels broken or damaged, well, it says it for itself. 

I am feeling a little better. Thank you to everyone who commented and to those who didn't but sent encouragement and support via other means. All of it is greatly appreciated and I'm sending my own hugs, support, and love back to you. 

Craft stores are just mean, teacher recommended, black moon fades

The birds must be having a party today because they are loud and boisterous. They only seem to stop when a cat trots below them, which I find funny. Its like being in high school and all the popular kids quiet down and stare at the weird kid. It is also overcast and rainy today, which I love, but I am freezing. Of course, I have the patio door open and am basically wearing capri leggings, a t-shirt, and haven't moved around very much today, but still. I don't typically start off cold. I suppose it's just another sign that Autumn is truly here! 

While checking my e-mail this morning I noticed not one but two sale adds. One was from Michael's and the other from Jo-ann Fabric and Crafts. Of course, we are broke at the moment and the sale doesn't last until we have money again and it always sees to happen this way- which is why I think they are mean. But I'm not really complaining too much. Anything left over will be put on clearance pretty soon, which means I can stock up then and the prices might be better.

There was certainly some funky energy left over from the Black Moon. Yesterday, it seemed, was the last burst of energy taking form in strangeness, I think. I was unusually energized, a friend's pet got herself into trouble, Narcisa was all over the house jumping on furniture, jumping up on the altar a lot, climbing the screens, and to top it all off, I caught her licking the wall! Later she was on the counter where her food is and I caught her licking the side of the cabinet. It was just bizarre. Today things seem to be returning to normal. Although, Narcisa is a bit more cuddly than usual.

Also, apparently there are stupid people dressing up as clowns and attacking people. I checked my local news because I kept seeing people talking about what they would do if a clown broke into their home or one attacked.. yada yada yada, and sure enough it is happening, however most of it has been pranks. Still, as a person who is afraid of clowns and winced every time the Domino's Pizza clown waved at me from the corner of an intersection back home, I don't think I would be too happy about someone even pranking me, but I would never attack someone unless I truly felt threatened and was actually being hurt.

In my last writing workshop class with SNHU, my instructor recommended Zen and the Art of Writing, by Ray Bradbury to me. Since I don't ever remember a college instructor recommending a book like this for me to read, I put in my order on Amazon. It has taken me several months to get to it. I kind of got overloaded with non-fiction reading material and needed a break, but since I have begun reading, I am wondering if that instructor was somehow psychic. 

Keep in mind that I am only 23 pages in, but Bradbury talks about his lists and how some things from those lists become stories. Wait a minute, not only do I make task lists, I write down lists of things I want to write about, or words or objects I want to remember and later use in stories, character traits, and so on. So, I must be doing something right. Furthermore, its reinforcing that behavior and getting my mind generating ideas already. So I have a new project to add to the writing tasks for this month and that is to make a list of spooky things that I want to research and write about. I would love to turn it into a little craft project and make a compendium too- but that may have to be a long term project better saved for a time when I am not doing as much. 

One last thing before I toddle off to other things today, a quote from the preface of the book by Bradbury,

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."

No truer words written, at least in my case.  

Of backs, rain, and Kitty Cats and also Star Wars

It is blessedly raining and cold today. I am stationed on the sofa prepared to do as little as possible barring the dishes and taking a shower. Narcisa is keeping me company so to speak, in sitting in front of the patio window. We are listening to the birds, the rain, and enjoying the view. Although hers a bit more like live cat TV.  Because she gets so excited and likes to climb the screen, we have to keep the fireplace screen in front of the door. Which gives it a use all year round.

My house is a cluttered mess but for once, I just don't care. I think for me that's a sign that my depression is getting worse. There are some other indicators like not wanting to cook, not wanting to leave the house, feeling like I just don't have the energy to take a shower, and sleeping a lot (which I did yesterday). I've kind of been in a funk of sorts ever since I was sick and haven't quite come out of it. 

To go along with the funk or to make things worse, I've done something to my back again. Amanda's car is a manual or stick shift and lately trying to drive has been a bit painful in that when I move my legs to push on the petals my back gets pissy. Sometimes walking, sometimes sitting certain ways, and most certainly when I lay down in bed at night my back gives me grief. None of this makes me happy. None of this is easy or helps when I want to go do things in and out of my house. And if my back wasn't enough of a problem, now my neck is giving me shit too. I don't know what I did to it, but it feels like I can't get any relief from it either. 

So today, I say screw it. I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to sit on the sofa, drink some Golden Chai Tea with Turmeric because Turmeric is supposed to have anti-inflammation properties, finish watching Red Data Girl, and read a little. No homework today. I'm going to wait until Amanda gets home to take a shower just in case my back goes out, that way I don't fall or get stuck, unable to move. You know, that's a big part of the issue. I'm fucking 32 years old and I'm afraid to take a shower because of my stupid back locking up, going out, or whatever the hell it does. All my stupid doctors see is the damned weight and how I need to get it off. Well duh! No shit, but you can't get weight off if you can't fucking move! So instead of focusing on that, why don't you actually focus on the root of the problem so we can get to the secondary problem. Common sense folks. Common fucking sense. I can't walk if I can't move and throwing a bunch of pills that makes me so damned tired that I sleep all the time doesn't do any damned good.

On a happier note note, I think, four or five sparrows just got into what I think is a fight in the tree outside my patio. It was kind of intense and I heard a new sound from one of them, some sort of angry clicking. 

Also, I bought and Amanda and I have both seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I thought the dialogue was better in this movie than any of the others, it felt like it flowed better. I also liked the J. J. Abrams style effects. I feel it gave the Star Wars universe a fresh feel. However, I kept looking for things in the movie that I knew were cannon in the Star Wars universe that never appeared. I don't want to go into it too much because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who still hasn't seen it, but what about the Mara Jade arc? I told my Dad that while I haven't read every Star Wars book, I've know about Mara Jade since Star Wars Episode one came out and I was reading stuff on the internet about the universe. Dad said, when he gets his good computer up and running again, he has- up until that time- all the Star Wars novels on his hard drive and he will send them to me. He found free pdfs or something. I have all the Jedi Apprentice books with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn and the Episode one novel. That aside, since my initial viewing of The Force Awakens, I've seen it a few more times and am actually happy with it. Also, Chewbacca is freaking old! He's been around and at least an adult Wookiee since Anakin Skywalker was a teenager. How long is a Wookiee's life span? Star Wars wiki says the average life span of a Wookiee is 400 years. 

Rainy rainy day, house to myself, and allergies

This is the view out my patio window of this lovely, wet, rainy day. I always feel happier on cloudy, gloomy days, and even more so on rainy ones. Aside from wanting to crawl back into bed for a nap (been sleeping really late and going to bed later too recently), I kind of don't want to waste the day. I have the house to myself. Amanda is at work, her parents went to lunch, and the cats are either settling down for nap time or nibbling at the food dish. The only thing thwarting me are my allergies and my body.

My whole body is achy, my back the worst of it but I am hoping a nice hot shower will help to ease some of that up, if not, I've got a tens unit I can use for a bit before I leave tonight. Oh yeah, I am heading over to Spokane tonight to pick up a friend and go to a Wiccan Spirituality Circle. I think it's going to be interesting. As for my allergies, well, I forgot to take the 24 hour allergy pill I usually take, yesterday, and am paying for it now. I'll go take it when I get up to take the rest of my meds. 

Oh I really cannot tell you how lovely it is to just sit and listen to it rain. No one is talking, there aren't any TVs on in the house. Well, okay, one of my neighbors is outside talking on their phone but it's not loud and it's not inside my house. It is just nice and peaceful.  

It's December and I've got cat drool in my hair.

First, I would like to point out that today is my Grandma's 86th birthday. She's still going, sharp as a knife, and I love and miss her very much. She lives back home, in Kansas.

I'm not usually up at 7 in the morning. Well, if I am it's typically because I have to be somewhere or I've stayed up writing or have been in too much pain to sleep. That's not really the case for me this time. This time it's because I stayed up late to play monopoly with some visiting friends, and watch a movie and work on a Christmas/ birthday present. I was hurting pretty bad when I went to bed at 4 am so I took some medicine and it should have knocked me on my butt. However, I think the fact that I really need to make sure Skoora get up, moving, and out the door in time to attend a meeting at work and feed the cats (trust me if I am late, they will make me get out of bed) is what is keeping me from sleeping. It's as if my brain says "nope, not going to let you chance oversleeping" and it's done this to me since I can remember, anytime I need to be some place extra early.

It's very very annoying. But at least it's giving me time to really cuddle with Yoda-Chan and catch up on some blog reading. I did lay down for a little bit earlier and Yoda curled up on my pillow. I pet him for awhile and then got up to use the bathroom and found dried cat drool in my hair! Thanks Yoda, thanks. *sigh* I washed it out but it was still gross. A hazard of being a cat owner I suppose.

We have company for the holiday and have been in and out of the house. Thankfully, our Black Friday shopping has been uneventful and we only had issues with people being rude at once store, something a friend noticed but I had long since become mostly immune to. She had her gallbladder removed recent and had to use one of the electric carts in the store. I had to as well that evening and apparently we got some nasty looks. Great Grandma Ireland used to say 'If you don't like the way I look, you've got three other directions to look". I can stand firmly behind that most of the time, but I more than understand why those people upset her.

I wasn't out for anything in particular this Black Friday. I just wanted to get out and move around despite how much it hurt. Plus, two for one happy hour coffee at Hasting's is always nice. The Barista's still make the Autumn Harvest Breve for me even though it's out of season. Skoora had an eggnog late. We got a few things at Wal-Mart, nothing big. I got a Tripod for my camera. One of my medicines makes me a little shaky so my pictures don't always turn out nice. The tripod will certainly help and it was on sale for $10.

We went to Michael's last night. I picked up some much needed embroidery thread, a new paint brush that I've needed for awhile, and a couple of really pretty candle holder. Skoora wanted some special candles that smell wonderful. When we got home, I set them up in the bathroom and when the candle are lit and the lights are out, it's so pretty in there. The candle holders were on sale and we had a coupon for the rest, well the cashier used one from their ad.

Mostly, we weren't after sales or worried about getting anywhere for anything in particular. We just took it easy and went at our own pace. Being in a over crowed wal-mart was difficult for me but I survived without a panic attack. I don't do well with lots of people. I don't like the noise, how close they crowd around me to get items, or how rude some people can be. (I'm an introvert and agoraphobic and claustrophobic) It also probably helped that we went after the flash sales so most of the people were already gone or leaving the store.

We've had a little snow but, of course, it's melted. We'll have more though. It's cold and rainy at the moment. Galen is curled up in my desk chair. Yoda is curled up next to me on the bed. Skoora is snoring the morning away. Everything is quite and peaceful. For once. Time to get up and make breakfast and coffee.