So much and I think I am back

Takashi Shirogane Art by Clandestineknight

I'm back, I think, I hope. I've had a major spell of depression, bad enough that Amanda was talking about taking me to the hospital. I've stuffed enough crap for so long that I couldn't stuff any more and my lid popped. Without going into  too much detail, a lot of the stuff dragging me down was grief, loss, health, living situation, spiritual situation, friend and family situations, so, yeah everything really, but those primarily. Summer was miserable, in a word. 

But its fall now and I'm looking forward to the season. 

While we didn't do too much for the summer, we did go to Kuro Neko Con- which will be a post on its own and we had a visitor from Boston, again, another post on it's own. I didn't craft much and really only have one project to show. However, today, Amanda and I are working on the living room since she had the day off. We were going to try and finally do paint touch ups and paint and install the chair railing but we just don't feel up to it and it can wait another week or so. 

Oh we are missing a sofa. Our sofa was damaged during our move and we dealt with it a long time before the company finally came to pick it up for repair. But I am very ready for it to come home. My office chair is okay, but sometimes my back needs a break. 

I am writing again, everyday. I started work on a novel but got horribly discouraged. So, I've been doing some written rps with Amanda and her cousin Kat. I also started a fanfiction for Voltron. Its been fun but I am feeling a little more confident and am ready to get back to the novel. Also, my Aunt Debra wants a story to read when she's moved into her new house, so I'm going to find something I've already written, that's short, to send her. I don't have tons of time to work on something new aside from the novel, not with the rps, the fanfic, working on the house, and also...

I am helping some friends with their bakery! I'm making cakepops two to three times a week to help with a big order they have that's due soon. It's been a lot of fun and one of the girls is trying to get me hired on. It's just a tricky situation because they can't pay themselves yet. But one of them is like 'if we have you, we can take more orders and make more money'. Whatever happens, happens. Either way, I am enjoying my time there and when I need to get up and move, I can. When I get overwhelmed or panicky, I can take a break, so it is working out.   

Voltron, EMDR, and Writing

Voltron: Legendary Defender

Firstly, I'm feeling a little bit better. Time helps ease a lot of things, not all, but some. And so, I felt up to another attempt of returning to the blogosphere. 

Amanda and I have been watching a show on Netflix called Voltron: Legendary Defender. I'm not the biggest fan of robot cartoons and anime, but Amanda's cousin Kat recommended it when it first began airing and we were hooked. Immediately, I fell for Takashi Shirogane or Shiro, he's the leader and Paladin of the Black Lion. Amanda adored Keith and Lance. to be honest, we love all five Paladins, they are diverse and wonderful. But more than that, we enjoyed that the writers of the show have done something amazing. Pidge, who pretended to be a boy to get info on her lost family, and then comes out to the team as a girl (most of them already knew and didn't care), is never referred to as male or female in the show before or after that. She's just Pidge.  The show also shows Shiro dealing- or not really dealing- with some PTSD, some racism. More recently, the writers confirmed one of the characters is, in fact, gay, and was planning to get married prior to a long mission and that he also has some kind of invisible illness that would eventually ruin his career as a pilot. But even though at least one character has to know for sure about his orientation, its never a big deal. It;s so fucking refreshing and when I learned that this character is, in fact, gay, I just about cried. And apparently said character's voice actor knew about since season 2. It's wonderful representation. Plus the show is just damn good! I love the fight scenes for Voltron and the Paladins. The music adds that fun scifi flavor, and voice actors are all very talented and fun people! 

Last night, while Amanda was apply for another job on my computer (because I have MSword and she doesn't) I borrowed her tablet computer and drew Shiro. It was a quick draw and from memory. I'm not a very good artist, but that's not too terrible. Maybe I will do something more concentrated later. 

Also on the Voltron front, I am writing an RP with cousin Kat. She's writing for Keith and Shiro and I'm writing for all my characters. It has been a lot of fun and helped me cope with a lot of what's going on- most certainly a welcome distraction. 

EMDR therapy. My therapist decided in conjunction of CBT and DBT, we're going to try EMDR. She said its going to be rough and hard, but she thinks it will help. So far its made me a bit more emotional, but that's to be expected. I'm confronting the crap thats been 'traumatic' and trying to desensitize it so it doesn't affect me so terribly. The trouble is recognizing and admitting those thing as trauma- which is very difficult for me to do. And we've been talking about a lot different things, like my talent for stuffing and avoiding some issues in my life. 

The topic of writing came up one session. It's what I love. Its a challenge and is as fun as it is frustrating. Mostly writing, when I am able to focus, makes me happy. Often times I get bogged down by life stuff, social events, the fact that we have a constant stream of company in one shape or another, fibro and back pain, to shut enough life off to do what I need to get my ass in gear to write. About half of that is my own doing and half of that is out of my control. However, when I am hurting the most, I find that I retreat into writing. A friend said I get obsessive. Amanda mentioned once that I needed to find balance and another friend agreed. My therapist worried that I used writing to avoid life. All of that made me upset. In my head I thought, people say they want me to be happy, but they want to complain about the thing that makes me happy and keeps me sane, I don't get it. And how does anyone think books come to be unless there's a writer out there who obsessed a little over their work? Also, I need as much encouragement and assurance right now and this has all been the opposite of that. 

Amanda and I talked about it again and I told her how I felt. I mentioned that its not like I'm writing 24/7. I need breaks to recharge my brain. I need sleep. I need food, to move around, to clean and do other stuff. I'm not hurting anyone or bothering anybody, except to maybe prattle on about a story or something, but who cares as long as I am happier? Why would anyone want to diminish that. It is confusing. That people have issue with it, even a little bit, harkens back to the idea that my only value can be found in what I can do for other people and that by not doing what other people want or think I should be doing, I am somehow wrong, in trouble, and need to put everything I want/need/love aside for everyone else's wants/needs. Which really isn't fair to me. So, I'm trying to not let it bother me anymore. I won't get what I want if I keep letting other people dictate how things should be.  

 

My Grandpa

My Grandpa passed, I forget how many days ago. It was quiet and peaceful and my parents, Grandma, and Aunt M. were there with him. 

They brought out his old Army picture. He was a WW2 Vet who served in the Army's corp of Engineers as a typist. Later he became a school bus driver, a teacher, and later a college librarian. He was awarded a "Master Teacher" award by peers and students at the college he worked for, which is kind of a big deal. 

This was back on his parents farm.  And this was the day he and my Grandma got married 66 years ago in her parent's home. Grandma said he watched her slip and fall down a flight of stairs in high school, run passed her, and she still married him. 

He liked to fish, travel, look at maps, tell jokes and stories. He and Grandma took me to museums when I was younger and national/historical landmarks. He taught me a lot about gardening, how to paint a shed, and put up with my crazy hair-brained ideas as a kid. He came to every band and choir concert, every play and graduation he could. And he ripped apart every damn paper I ever asked him to look over just to make sure it was good. He was also the only family member who asked me what my writing processes were/are. Well, aside from my Dad but Dad doesn't have to ask because I've already told him. He even let me borrow a word processor for a whole summer to work on a story because my mom only let me have two hours of computer time a day. 

He always talked about wanting to come see me up here in the Pacific Northwest. And we liked to talk about the weather in our respective places. 

He was at war with the squirrels in his backyard. For years this went on. I bought him a stuffed toy squirrel one year for Christmas that he immediately tried to throw away. I used to hide under his pillow or in his bed. Once I even taped it to the ceiling above his bed so he would look up and see it when he tried to go to sleep. I'd often have to rescue the poor toy from a makeshift noose hanging between the dining and family room. But I'd just go hide it again, sometimes in his underwear or sock drawer.

Grandpa wrote a 300+ page history of the college he worked at. It took him a couple of years and then a couple more for someone to finally edit and publish it. They cut a majority of the book, but somewhere, Grandma has all 300+ pages. 

My Grandpa was also a devout Christian and part of Gideon's International, the American Legion, and Association for Retired Teachers. He knew I wasn't going to church anymore. He didn't fuss at me for it. I guess he thought Grandma did enough of that. I think he only yelled at me 2 or 3 times in my whole life. 

At the funeral, one of my Aunt M.'s friends said he was the model of what a good Christian, father, and husband should be, and that he provided a safe place for everyone to be. She's right. 

At the funeral I felt him come in and sit next to me in the pew. Like always he rested his hands on his cane and laughed at something someone said. He was with me for a little bit before he moved away, I think to be near my Grandma, but I was caught up in something someone was saying and then we left had to go to the after funeral receiving line where we thanked people for coming.   

Grandpa's flag, given to my Grandma at his funeral by officers from the Army. 

I wish I could write something more, something more elegant and deserving, but this is what I can manage. And I think Grandpa knows all the things I want to say or tell him, and how much he meant and still means to me.

As much of an update as I can manage.

A lot of stuff has happened in the last two months, all of which has added heavy weights to limbs scratching for the surface of my depression. I’m going to try to put piece it together so I can attempt to make sense of it all.

·         Some friends and I are dealing with the loss of connection with another of our tribe. Some feel that we’re not good enough, all of us are concerned, and some are angry and hurt, or confused. It’s hard not to feel resentment and angry toward the things that created that loss. Maybe it isn’t for us to know or understand. We’ll just have to nurse hurts, pick ourselves up on our end, and love said friend as we always have. But things are different, I feel it, I know it, and I’m still struggling with a lot of it.

·         I’ve had an overwhelming sense of feeling lost. I can’t explain it. I’m not sure which way to turn and can’t seem to decide which path is best because they all look damning. Doesn’t help when others keep stepping in to decide for you and will not shut up long enough for you to actually think and make the decisions you know you can make for yourself if only they would let you breathe.

I am angry because people want me to tell them what I need but how can I say when I don't even know? I do not expect people to be mind readers. I don't expect them to fix it all for me- its not their job and I don't want them to. I know I don't think and feel the same everyone else does, but damn, does anyone have to know the answers or know what they need? Perhaps I am being selfish in my slow sink and not considering others' feelings. But I thought I was by not wanting to bother them and drag the down with me. If that's wrong, I wish someone would tell me. 

·         In-laws have taken over my house and I was powerless to stop them. So, in classic fashion, I rebelled a little and refused to do much of anything. Which in turn got Amanda chewed out. Which then, in turn, got me chewed out. But what else are you supposed to do when the people around you are sucking the joy from your bones? And then, to top it off come snide comments. Fuck you, you won, shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone!

·         I had to change medical insurance to keep my therapist because the company I had was doing shady things and about to get into trouble. In doing so, I had to report that Amanda and I got married. That cost me my medical insurance.

·         My stress began manifesting in hot patches of skin and hives.

·         My therapist badgered me to seek out new health insurance and I spent two weeks fighting with the market place people trying to find something we could afford. There is NOTHING we can afford. The deductible is 2 grand, the monthly cost just for me is more than we can swing. There just isn’t money for it. PERIOD.

·         I had a gall bladder attack and ended up in the ER, not know what the hell was going on only that I couldn’t breathe and was passing out.

·         I learned my Grandpa had fallen while sick.

·         My Grandpa died either the next day or the day after- I can’t really remember.

·         We flew to Kansas and spent 4 days. The only blessing was feeling my Grandpa sit down beside me at his funeral, seeing my Grandma, and my parents and cousins for a tiny bit.

·         My Grandma told me every day I was there that Grandpa wished he could have seen me before he died, because I was his girl.

·         Came home and losing Grandpa began to finally register. I couldn’t deal, so I threw myself desperately into writing. It’s the only thing keeping me together.

·         A couple of days later I had another gall bladder attack which resulted in surgery that evening.

·         I did not handle the anesthesia well. There are bruises on my body I can’t account for and the medical staff told me I woke up “wild” and that they had to bring two extra nurses in to hold me down. I did not know where I was or what was going on. I’m scared I hurt someone because if that much effort was used to keep me still, I came out fighting.

·         I got to go home the next day and accident slept on my stomach that night.

·         Second day after surgery was hell. It was not the worst pain I have felt, but close, and bad enough that I was panicking and scared the shit out of Amanda’s Mom. I could not remember when I had taken aleve or when I had taken a pain pill or how many. She counted them and said I was okay, but it was still scary. I’m ALWAYS so careful with pain meds.

·         I’ve been having horrible nightmares since surgery, the kind that leave you upset for days.

·         One of the pieces of tape over my incision sites fell off too soon and I had to put something over it to help keep the wound closed and prevent infection.  

·         I’ve been freaking out a little over the fact that I have been sleeping so much- even though I know I need sleep to heal- and losing writing time.

·         We just learned that my depression/fibro med is going t cost us 240 dollars a month with a prescription assistance card for the generic. We couldn’t afford 130 a month for medical insurance. So now we have to find a different depression med and a medication for fibro that won’t make me gain all the weight I just lost back, that s affordable, or see if there isn’t something- some program- out there to help me stay on my meds. Being without them isn’t an option right now.

·         And I am without my meds today. I’m starting to go through withdrawal while Amanda scrambles at work to find out if an online discount pharmacy is a legitimate and the real deal.

·         I just learned from one of my best friends what she might have ovarian cancer and that there is something wrong with her youngest daughter’s spine. She doesn’t have test results back yet for her or her daughter.

·         I’m worried about my parents and my Grandma. I’m worried about my friend and her kids.

·         I’m worried about the two hospital bills.

The good news:

-          I’m writing  

-          I’m getting lost in music

-          I still love my in laws and am thankful for them taking care of me when I’m sick. At least there is that.

-          Amanda is amazing and she’s putting up with me.

-          UPDATE on meds: Amanda got it worked out and my doctor’s office was super helpful to her.    

What's it like? Dehydrated, Fight.

I can't remember if this picture help part of the inspiration for a short story I wrote for school or not... It may have been one element of several stitched together. Either way, I really love it, and could look at it for hours. I could sit and come up with a scenario or two as to what led these two to this point, and to be honest, I have, although not all of them are on paper. Its escapism, a distraction, and most certainly a form of self preservation- something I've been doing an awful lot of lately. 

I was supposed to have a craft post and in some respects I do. Or rather, it is coming. I wanted to try and focus on some happier shit, mostly in effort to not be so rawr and doom and gloom. I do have semi-productive and happy moments in my life. I will also have a wedding and honeymoon photo post- as soon as I edit what little we have. And I would like to do a full garden tour when it gets mostly finished as well as a house tour. The last two are going to be on going "works in progress", but I want t share some stuff.

But, the reason all of that is coming instead of here now, is that I continued to sink further in my depression. I probably should have gone to the hospital a couple of times, but I didn't and the reasons why are for Amanda and I to know. I probably should've called some friends, we live not far from a set, but I know how busy they are and two of my fears are dragging my friends down with me and exhausting them- thereby seeing them run for the hills/ dropping me- i.e. abandonment issue, and also I don't want to interrupt or be a burden or even worry people. Grandma told me a long time ago not to tell the truth when someone asked me how I am doing. People have their own stuff going on, their own problems, and they don't need anything extra from me, so when asked "how are you, just smile and say 'good' or 'fine', and then quickly ask how they are doing". Maybe it's a generational thing, a Midwest thing, or even a family thing, but from there on, I grew up with the idea that people didn't really care even if I did. That it was small talk and more polite and helpful to listen and help other people and not expect the same in return. Because we gotta do it all ourselves... which kind of lead into if you're not productive you aren't worth anything to anyone and you should be ashamed to be seen in public idea I somehow equated.  And also, your needs come after everyone else. Not that the latter really bothers me most of the time, I often volunteer without a care or a thought of me other than I genuinely want to. Except I can't do it as much and because of that, I feel that sense of worthlessness... 

But, I finally broke down and messaged a few close friends. I talked to a couple as well. Amanda didn't think people understood how bad it has gotten and knowing how much of a told my struggle is taking on her, I thought I had better suck it up and ask for help before I destroy her right along with me. 

Laying out as much as I could felt wrong, made me feel crazy, unstable, and disgusting. It felt like someone dragging a steak knife hard and slow over my nerves and even a layer of skin was being removed. My friends were kind and caring and asked me to let them know what I needed. I don't know. I don't know what I need. I'm seeing a therapist who is doing DBT and going to try another type of therapy to see if we can't take some of the intensity of things away. I'm taking depression meds. I'm making sure to do some things that I enjoy as some self care. I am playing with the cats and I am trying to make sure I get out of the house even though right now it scares the hell out of me to do so. 

Shortly after I reached out for help from my friends, I had to change providers for my health insurance so I could keep my therapist, and since Amanda and I got married, I also had to report a change in household. In doing so, they deemed me, us, ineligible for state health care. That would be fine if it were just a matter of me be going to the doctor every six months to do a med check and the once or twice a year I get sick. But I really need the therapy. Thankfully, I have an amazing therapist who went over some options of what we could do in case- when I reapply- I still can't get insured. There's some financial questions I may or may not have gotten right when I did the household stuff, so I am going to do it again, with Amanda, and see what happens. If we can't get state insurance, there are some lower cost plan options that might work, it just depends on how they are structured. 

However, it was the thought of money the night prior and the day of visiting DSHS that really made me sink deeper. The people at DSHS were very unhelpful. In fact, a woman I spoke with, in front of her coworker, the security guard, and Amanda and her mother, told me to get a divorce, my marriage annulled, or lie because the government doesn't know. I was so shocked and angry, I could hardly stand it. She was telling me to commit fraud. WTF?!  And then they kept us for two hours under the guise of "let's help you do food stamps" to give us 15 bucks a month. Um, thank you? Amanda's Mom was pissed. She said it was an insult. Be that as it may, it's 15 dollars of me being able to get sunbutter for sandwiches and fruit and veggies I want to eat. No, not a lot, but it gives me a tiny sliver of control back.  

Amanda and I got into a fight a couple of days ago. All of this stuff has been piling up. We're both tired and spread thin. Neither of us has been sleeping well. I've was suffering from heat sickness, Amanda thinks I was dealing with full on heat stroke, before we got the air conditioner in the window. Add in the fact that both of us are kind of shit at communication, and we had a small blow out. Since we had been out, I wouldn't let her go inside the house when we got home until we'd talked, more for privacy's sake than anything. That and I won't let her run away from something until I feel that we are at least okay, else it bothers me until I am physically ill. Apologies were given and I don't know if we are going to be any better at communicating, we've been working on it for 10 years and will probably still be working on it in another 10 years. But we are okay, at least it seems like it. 

A lot of it is that I don't like seeing how tried she is. I know living and taking care of someone with depression is difficult and draining. My parents both have severe depression on top of my mom's health problems. Knowing that there is a potential for an extra drain on her, in the financial area, really upsets me. Because I'm being honest with her and she wants me to tell her what I am thinking and how I feel so she can help or get me to someone who can where she can't, I told her that I'd had a thought of off I could alleviate someone of it for both of us, I'd tell her to donate my body to science so she wouldn't have funeral costs, and go step off a bridge over the highway. And that's just one of many planned outs, but I know it will upset my friends, and hurt my Grandparents, and devastate my parents and Amanda. I don't want to bring that much hurt to people I care about.  

But those are the thoughts and the brief picture view of how bad things have gotten. Still, I'm trying to remind myself that I know that its the depression monster. I know that people do care. I need to (begrudgingly) remind myself that I am only human. The good news is that I do realize all of these things and while that doesn't cure it, it helps to help me get to the step back place so I can look at the mess and figure out how to make it manageable. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to live without depression. I know everyone experiences some depression, you can't grow without suffering, but to be a quote "normal" person... I can't fathom it. 

The other good news is that in my escapism, I started reading again and a friends reintroduced me to some dating sim games. They are weird and I certainly didn't expect to get to drawn in. I have several that I'm playing and they have really interesting story lines. In one of them I'm worried that my character married the bad guy and its kind of upsetting. I keep hoping that he's really not, or that there's something he hasn't said or revealed about the other characters. And I have helped out two friends who recently bought a bakery. I was able to sit and make cake pops one evening and then I told them to send me home with labels and the little bags that go over the cake pops so when I watch TV, I can help them out too. I got the first batch finished and asked one of the girls to bring over some more and take what I had done for them when she comes over tonight. 

Lastly, I managed in all of the pre-airconditioner days and doing some yard work and grocery shopping and going through things for the garage sale, to not keep up with my water tracker... So, I dehydrated myself to the point of bad stomach issues. I realized it yesterday and have since been working to correct it, but I am still having some stomach trouble. It probably doesn't help that despite us sleeping in the living room where the air conditioner fits and is, I haven't been sleeping very well. I mean I'm getting more than I have been, but I'm wondering if I've been trying to knock myself into a manic mode. It might be time to try the melatonin for a week again, just to get me back on routine.   

Excursions in Family Drama

There was once a time when my Dad asked me why I didn't write about our family. He was of the opinion that we have enough fodder for me to write a soap opera. My reply was that I write to escape all that shit. It was true then and it is still true today, except, once again I need to vent. 

Pretty much everyone knows that my mother's twin is my 'psycho aunt'. Cousin Shi-Can and I used to joke that her mother was the Wicked Witch of the West and sometimes that my mom was the Wicked Witch of the East (sans the house falling on her). Fitting since we were born and raised in Kansas. Anyway, Aunt Laura has been know to been known to be an abusive, vicious, vindictive, melodramatic person. She's lied, stolen, worn people wet tissue-paper thin, and so on. But, despite all the crap we've put up with over the years, she's still part of the family and she does have some good moments. I know part of why she is the way she is part mental issues, the abuses she suffered as growing up, and the physical maladies she's living with now. No, that doesn't give her an excuse to be bitch, but it does give some insight into the bigger picture- when you can remember that as she's tearing into one of your cousins or your Mom.

Back to her "good moments". My Aunt Laura can be, at times, kind, loving, and somewhat generous. She's helped each of her kids financially when she is able. Despite all of the shortcomings, she does love all three of her children and wants the best for them. She loves my parents, me, and even her in-laws. Its easier to see all of this not being in such close proximity to her. 

Well, I called my Mom the other day to vent and cry over a recent problem. Mom let me vent and we talked about options and so on. Then, it was her turn to vent and since she's been pretty much the one to really take care her twin and deal with her over the years, she has tons of frustration. (Dad and I keep telling her not to answer the phone or open the door, but they are twins and Aunt Laura NEVER takes 'no' for an answer.) 

The recent influx of family drama centers around my Aunt and my cousins. Her eldest, the alcoholic since 16 and once again druggie, needed a place to live along with his equally as substance abusing new girlfriend- who I might add is older than our Moms- not that I have an issue with age-gap love, but in this instance, is it really love or opportunistic sex mixed with illegal substances until something better comes along? To each his own, I guess. Anyway, since Aunt Laura came into some money she helped said cousin and his girl friend get an apartment. 

I haven't heard how she's helped Shi-chan, but I'm hazarding a guess that its with bills. She's the middle child.

But the youngest takes the cake. She is the baby, the pretty one- I think she looks like a fucking rat, but maybe that's because I know her personality, no insult to rats- and she gets everything she wants. If no one gives it to her, or she can't win it with her looks, or use her kid as leverage, she takes what she wants and that is exactly what she did, AGAIN, recently.  To make a semi short story shorter, my aunt was bullied my her late husband's parents to out the youngest kid's name on the car title of the car my Aunt bought. That is a horrendously terrible idea! At the time of the call with my mother, my Aunt had only driven her car a total of 4 times. She also had my Aunt's debit card. Now why anyone would, in their right mind, give that girl free access to their bank account is beyond me, but maybe my Aunt was trying to help. Oh boy did she help! My cousin with drew 800$ from the account and got an apartment for herself. But, it gets worse, she didn't ask, and certainly didn't tell her mother  until she was physically moving her things out of my Aunt's house. And then she wouldn't return the debit card. Aunt Laura told my Mom and my Mom went over to help her get her car and debit card back. For her efforts, Cousin Shi-chan, the middle of my aunt's children, got particularly vicious and said something nasty and wholly untrue to my Mom, landing her smack dab on the top of my shit list.

*long heavy sigh* Thankfully, in the few days since then, the youngest cousin returned the car, empty of gas of course, and returned the debit card. It had 4 dollars left on it and my Aunt hasn't paid bills yet this month. Yes, it is on my Aunt for letting her use these things. But she's essentially dying and perhaps trying to make up for her mistakes. Still that doesn't give my cousins the right to take advantage of her. What they should be doing is spending time with her and I don't know, helping my Mom take care of her when she gets bad. Unfortunately, they are all too self centered and opportunistic to do that and eventually, she's going to die and they will have missed out on time. I mean the woman thinks a friend of Shi-chan's deserves AIDS because he is gay, which is completely unacceptable and horrible and I will always be disappointed, hurt, and angry over that opinion, but she is my Aunt, I do remember good moments, despite that and a whole string of other crap, if I were in Kansas, I would be rolling my sleeves up and helping my Mom to take care of her. I wouldn't need to be asked. I would do it for my Mom. 

As I wrote that last sentence, I realize that if my Mom or Dad needed help or were dying, my cousins wouldn't lift a finger unless they knew they could get something out of it. Unless there were pills or items to steal. Or unless they were getting paid. Or maybe I knew it all along. 

Lastly, there is something diabolical in the way my youngest cousin has her elder sister wrapped around her finger. Shi-chan, as always, defends and protects her sister, despite all the horrible things said and done. The lies, theft, or down right abuse her younger sister has done to her, she will always be on her side. I get sisterly devotion, but for fuck's sake, I haven't done any of that crap to her, nor has my mom, and yet, every time we are upset with her sister or get into it with her sister, she chooses her over everyone else. It's sickening. 

Busy, first time in a long time, and friend and family problems.

There were so many pine needles! I raked the crap out of them for spring clean up... and then deeply regretted it that evening and for the next few days. Amanda helped, but she did most of the stone laying and some of the mulch work. Her mom did some too. 

After an unintended hiatus, I think I am back, at least for the foreseeable future. Today is the first day in over a month that I have actually opened my laptop and did anything on it. I've had it in my bedroom, the living room, and in the office with the intent of getting online to read blogs, check e-mail, and look up supplies for home improvement and decoration projects. Only I never did and for a number of reasons. 

The chief reason was that we were intermittently busy. On weekends we had shopping days, food prep hours, and had some company. We also had a couple of events. During the week, when I felt up to it, I was cleaning and watching anime and or TV shows on Hulu. 

The second reason was that my depression monster had been raging almost with a vengeance. With the drop in pain management from the one medication made the pain from flare ups higher and more intense, and more debilitating, which in turn made things harder emotionally and mentally. To top it off my Mom threw some stuff at me one day that was upsetting and then a couple of days later, before I'd had a chance to really explain my concerns and feelings about it to her, she called for a third time to let me know that her identical twin, my Aunt Laura, was in the hospital with renal failure. She wanted to let me know that if it came to it, that she would donate a kidney to her sister and wanted to know my opinion on the matter. As much as I don't like this Aunt most of the time, I don't want her to die. Further, I told my Mom that it doesn't matter what my opinion on her donating is, its her body and her sister, and I would never tell her what she could/should or couldn't/shouldn't do. That is her decision. Well, after getting off the phone with her and then processing everything, I got a little pissed and very worried. And then with those two matters plus the pain, some other things, and already raging depression, I fell into a horrible downward spiral. Things were so bad that Amanda literally said "you're drowning in this and I don't know what to do". 

But then, they got even worse. I had a horrible day one day, called Amanda at work, broke down and took a whole nerve pill at her insistence. I have been avoiding taking that med because I know it is addictive and I don't want it to become a crutch. I wanted to learn to work through and deal with stuff on my own. She also wanted to me to call a friend and see if someone could come over or if I could ask her parents to come up and sit with me. That's so much easier said than done. I have such a hard time asking for help. It takes so much to for me to tell people certain things. Surface stuff is easy. Occasionally I vent here and sometimes I vent a little to friends, but I know that people have their own problems and while I know my friends might want to help, I feel so guilty about adding to their stress. Even when I am internally screaming and hurting while giving a friend a hug, the guilt is so stifling, I just say, I'm fine or okay.

  Anyway, the medicine evened me out. For a few hours but then by the time we'd returned home from out D&D game, I was exhausted and the medicine had worn off and I was quite frankly just done. I told Amanda I was tried of fighting the fibro, the depression, the low back pain, my weight, my family, sometimes my friends, and just everything. She wanted to know if she should take me to the hospital and I told her I didn't know. Instead, she cuddled me and helped me get ready for bed. 

A day or so later, I can't really remember, we went to a friend's. I wasn't feeling that great, but I was trying and had decided to leave all my upsets at home and try to enjoy the day. Things were going well and then a friend asked me a couple of hours in, how I was doing. The moment I opened my mouth to reply said friend turned their head away and began talking to someone else. Amanda was just as surprised and almost as upset as I was and she took my hand. I think if she hadn't been there and we hadn't car pooled, I would have left. That is the very thing that reinforces and cements the core belief that I'm not worth anything and don't matter. Somehow, I shoved all that down and made it through the rest of the night. But it is still bothering me. A lot of things are. 

However, I have since seen my therapist. She gave me a back up person in her office to call if I can't get a hold of her and we talked about some other things. Its a work in progress.  I also called and spoke to my Dad for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things and after I felt loads better. He also was a bit frustrated with my Mom and assured me that no doctor would consent to my mom donating a kidney with her health the way it is (which I figured and others thought also) but that Aunt Laura isn't even eligible because she has M.S. So while that's upsetting in and of itself, the somewhat selfish silver lining is that I won't have the possibility of losing my Mom due to this instance. 

On to cooler stuff!

Meet Yukiko, our Japanese Snowblossom tree. We've been working on our front and back yards as well as the inside of the house. I will share the inside of the house when it is more cohesive, we're almost there but not quite. So back to the front and back yards. 

This is our strawberry patch. Amanda built the raised garden bed herself and planted the marigolds n the corners. She has since added a pot in the middle with a lily. She's also going to build one or two more of the raised bed for our veggies and I am going to take one of the house doors we found in the garage and make an herb wall. 

This is the majority view of the back yard. I'm not sure what we're doing with the large metal beds, that part of the yard doesn't get sun. So shady place flowers until I can make my meditation spot? Along the fence we're planting some flowers and some vegetables. The gravel part will be raked clean, weeds killed, and will eventually have flagstone or concrete pavers laid to make a patio. 

This is the other part of the back yard. You can't see the drive way and raised garden bed, they were behind me. What you can see is the garage and the small gated section behind it. We are thinking about clearing out that area behind the garage for pumpkins. We don't know if the small deck was supposed to become part of a larger project, but we might break that apart to and use the wood to build something else. I've decorated the side of the garage with wind chimes, and couple of bird feeders, and some yard decor from the Dollar Tree and what we had left over from our apartment. 

Amanda bought me this fairy solar light and I picked up the Peter Rabbit watering can from a Thrift store. I planted some daisy seeds in it. I have a couple of other pots I've planted some pansies in, but I need to get more pots or take some more of the yard for flowers. 

Lastly, I leave you with the kitties. Miss Narcisa took over my spot in the bed one night and presided over it like the head of the Black Cat Yakuza she is.

And here is Thorin, lazing atop the cat tree in the sunlight, leaning against the window frame. This is also a tiny teaser for my living room. Amanda calls my design scheme for the room "elegant nightmare". I just hope the end result lives up to it. So far there's a little elegance and a few somewhat creepy yet beautiful pictures. 

Coming soon... Craft projects.