Last night

Last night was awful. I finally laid down in bed with Amanda and I fell asleep fairly quickly, which was nice. But then I woke up an hour and half later. the bedroom had been warm and apparently I had been hot enough to sweat but then I woke with a fever. I was freezing! It was so bad that that everything tensed and seized up, there was so much pain. I could barely get out of bed, grab a blanket, and make it out to the living room. In effort to warm up, I grabbed a ginger ale and the aleve and sat in front of our little space heater until the medicine kicked in. 

I was so tried but couldn't quite sleep so I spent a couple hours looking at things on the internet. Finally I sat on the sofa, put my feet up, and managed to fall into an exhausted, hard sleep. I missed having coffee with Amanda, missed seeing her off to work, and didn't wake up until around 8:30 this morning. I feel better, but I am so tired and still a bit achy. There are some things I want to do today like the dishes and I want to write a little, cook something nice for dinner, but I may have to take a nap. I'm a little hungry too but I don't know if I have the energy to cook myself something for lunch. I kind of wanted to make grilled cheese and tomato soup, but I think I will just eat a little bowl of salad and call that good for now. 

Aside from that, I missed my medication the other night and yesterday was sassy, a little manic, and well, very opinionated. I apologized to my friend Rachel about it and she said it was fine that she actually liked me like that and having more opinions. She's not the first person who has told me they like me better without my meds. The first day without them is fine, but the next is awful. No, worries, I made sure to get them before bed last night. But still, why is my less reserved, more opinionated, sassy behavior more preferable to? I don't always feel good when that happens. I feel less in control of myself and think less about what I say and I am certainly less calm. I've never understood it really.  

The Muslim Woman Teacher, the jealous girlfriend, sad news, and "I can't even".

I recently learned that the band H.I.M. is on their farewell tour. I know all good things come to an end, but I really liked them and while I haven't been to concerts in a a few years, I would have gone to see them if they came close to where I live. That's my sad news. I mean really, it could be a lot worse. 

I've either fallen asleep watching TV or planned to sleep on the sofa for the last couple of nights. Amanda and I have both been tired and so much so that we're too tried to go in and change the bed sheets by the end of the day. We've been too tired to do a lot and have pushed through anyway. Last week was a bit rough for both of us. Cousin Kat came and left over the weekend and then I had several days where I was in a lot of pain, foggy brained, and or really depressed. All of that is exhausting and instead of trying to fight it all and wear myself out more, I said 'fuck it' and decided to play Guild Wars 2. That was good, although frustrating because a lot of stuff is different and I'm not sure I was following things clearly. 

Anyway back to the T.V. NHK does some documentaries called Inside Lens. This week its about a Muslim woman in Indonesia who runs a religious boarding school. She teaches, runs it, and gives talks about how men should treat women better, equality, and how without strong women and mothers, we wouldn't have strong nations. She is AMAZING! She didn't used to run the school, it was her husbands school but he passed away and for awhile she was a little lost. But she is very religious and prayed and found her answer to be that she would keep the school running on her own, that the only man she needed was God. Here is the link for the documentary: https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/tv/lens/

I decided to do a written role play with cousin Kat. She's had a lot of hell recently and I wanted to give her a little something to look forward too, in my own way, that I knew I could do. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do lately, so this at least gets me doing something constructive. Anyway, I've wanted to write a Kitsune story. I started a book years ago but never got very far with it. So, I decided to have a Kitsune character once again and see what I could come up with this time. I gave him a horrible back story and then wrote the opening post. When I read it to Amanda, she was a little and cutely jealous. She wants to play with Noritoki and really liked my opening. She even thought it would make a good novel on its own. 

Speaking of Amanda, we've both had a crummy last couple of weeks. The good stuff has been getting to see Cousin Kat, seeing a couple of friends, and the new episodes of My Little Pony on Netflix. Amanda was so depressed last night that she wanted to finish out the episodes, except that kind of backfired. The last episode was about Applejack's parents- who while the show has never said it, that I can remember, aren't living. The apple family siblings learned about their parents beginning relationship and how they came to be married. But both Amanda and I were really upset because while we know their parents are gone, we don't know the why or the how and ugh! So I suggested we watch some of season 2 of Kamisama Kiss because that's fun and cute and it has a pissy Kitsune named Tomoe who is freaking awesome, gorgeous, and I just love him. I also really like the anime because it make me laugh. There was an instance last night where one of the characters (we are watching the american dub- I like both thank you-) says "I can't even" and while a lot of people use that phrase, I've even used that phrase, it was so unexpected in an anime that it struck my funny bone just right. I'm still giggling over it. 

But that's the mostly happy stuff. We've got more car issues than we bargained for, as in it didn't pass the emissions test so we couldn't buy car tags and won't be able to until we can afford to get it worked on and then of it has to pass or we will have had to do 150 dollars worth of work on it to try to get it to pass before we can buy car tags. Amanda got me some bus passes for when I need to go somewhere and a friend is taking me to an appointment this afternoon. Aside from that, it's just pain, depression, panic attacks, and wedding stress.  

The Darkling Tag

Thanks to Sarah for tagging people who hadn't been tagged! I accept!

THE DARKLING TAG!

• What is your favorite candle scent? I tend to gravitate toward woodsy scents and fall scents like mulled cider or pumpkin pie.
• Do you have a favourite book? I have many! Mara Daughter of the Nile, Lord of the Rings, Fanny (a children’s book about a three legged cat and a puppy who becomes her friend) and The Night Prince Series.
• Are you a tea or coffee person? I enjoy both. Typically I have coffee in the mornings and tea at any given time of day or night (if I am up). Recently I mentioned that I liked tea to my Grandma and she asked me what kinds I like. I told her it would be more efficient to ask me the kinds I don’t like. I have a small stash and just recently found a lemon lavender tea. And I want to make my own blends eventually.
• What is your favourite perfume/cologne? Perfume. I have a bit of sensitive nose so I am generally very choosey and try to keep it light. In Spring and Summer, I like French Lavender and Honey body spray or Japanese Cherry Blossom from Bath and Body works. In Fall and Winter, I like their Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin. Bath and Body works recently came out with a Lavender Sandalwood that I love! I also enjoy patchouli oil but a sparingly.
• Do you have a celebrity crush? Takashi Kaneshiro, Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Tilda Swinton, Eva Green, and Ziyi Zhang. For voices, Ville Valo, Gackt, Travis Willingham- you know what there are too many for me to list there.
• If you could change your name to a stereotypical 90s/2000s gothy name, what would it be? Um Luna? I don’t know.
•  What are your top three tips for surviving hot weather while black clad? Sunscreen, Parasol, and lots of cool water!
• What song always makes you happy (doesn’t have to be a goth band?) Hmm… There are a lot but the one that leaps instantly to the forefront is The Rage Beat from the Gravitation OST. It makes me happy because I think about the anime.
•  Are you active in the arts (eg. Play an instrument, paint, write, etc)? I paint, sew, crochet, embroider, sometimes make jewelry, and write. I used to play piano and trumpet but the batteries in the keyboard corroded (I’m not entirely sure how to go about fixing that) and I had to sell my trumpet for gas money so I could get to my college classes. Thankfully, Amanda found a cornet at a garage sale and as soon as we get it from my parent’s basement, I can play again. We are also going to get an actual piano from craig’s list when we get a house… if we have room for one. Oh and I am going to learn to play the Erhu, a Chinese two stringed violin- just as soon as I learn their musical notation, lol. I found a book in English recently, so yay!
• What is your number one non-gothy hobby? Watching anime?

Thought Provokers:

• If you could be a supernatural creature, what would it be and why? There are a few. Vampire, because I have been in love with them since I was very young and enjoy reading books, watching movies, and writing stories about them. Dragon, for pretty much the same and while I know Smaug was technically a bad guy in the Hobbit, he was my first Dragon love. Elf, because I freaking love them and yes, its because of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. (My Dad read the Hobbit to me when I was really little) Kitsune, because Japanese fox spirits are really fascinating. I’ve read some really interesting lore about them and my totem animal is the fox.
• What horror monster-bases super power would you have? Shape shifting would be fun, teleportation would be handy for when I want to go visit family, but mind control would be great. I could make people smack themselves for being stupid and I don’t think it would ever get old.  
• Do you feel confident or comfortable interacting with other Goths or gothy people (online or irl)? Why or why not? I don’t feel confident or comfortable interacting with people in general- at least until I get to know them and then there are still those I’m never completely comfortable around.   
• Is there something you wish there was more of in your subculture? More plus size fashion- like actual, true, plus size fashion and community. I just recently learned there are once a month goth nights at a bar/club downtown. I don’t typically like bars, the drinks are always overpriced, and I’m just going to come out and say it, I get bored. I’m not much of a dancer and I’m often exhausted in rooms full of people. But, I’m going to try and go anyway and maybe do some networking.
• Care to share an embarrassing story related to your “darkliness”? Just general clumsiness. I tend to look at the ground when I walk to keep from tripping over things so I often get door opened on me or walk into things. I’ve given myself a very mild concussion getting into my Grandpa’s truck. I forgot to duck.
• How are you at DIY? I’d say, I’m okay at it, as long as I have a clear idea of what I am planning to do. When it comes to cooking, Amanda calls me her McGuiver chef.

Confessional (aka True or False):

• I love watching cheese romance films. True and False, depends on how cheesy.
• I ALWAYS remember to wash off my makeup at night. 98% true the other 2% would be if I fell asleep before getting to it.
• I sleep with plushies. True. I usually have a raccoon or fox plush. The cats also sleep with Amanda and I.
• I wear non-black pyjamas most nights. True. I have a couple of t-shirts and night gowns I like and they are light colors.
• I think Andrew Eldrich is overrated. I think the fact that I had to look him up is self-explanatory.
• I don’t like vampires. So Very False.
• I don’t like clubs. True, I just talked about that… >.>
• I don’t enjoy graveyards. False. I’ve been going to them since I was little. My Grandparents took me on Memorial Day to decorate family graves. I loved the headstones and mausoleums and wondering who the people who belonged to them were, what life was like when they lived, and so on. I’ve been to big city graveyards and little, out of the way- in the middle of nowhere Kansas- country graveyards. I like them all.  
• Blood makes me queasy. Not usually, I mean I’ve seen a lot! But there is one instance when it does, when Amanda gets a bloody nose. For some reason, I get a little sick from that and don’t really know why. Anything else I am fine with.
• I’d sooner faint than pet a spider. *shudder* Fainting is preferable and I have fainted. I did so in Toy’s R Us during Christmas rush and smacked my head on a checkout counter. It sucked balls!
• I don’t like haunted houses. Are we talking actual haunted houses or Halloween Haunted Houses? Halloween one are fun, but I always feel rushed through them. Sometimes I just want to stop and look to see how stuff works. Actual haunted houses are okay, depending on the activity.
• I’ve never read Dracula. False. I’ve listened to an audio version before bed for several nights.
• I think “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” is a long and boring song. It is long, but I don’t think it’s boring.

I'm going to follow Sarah's lead and tag anyone who follows me who hasn't been tagged and is interested.

Funeral drama and more wedding stuff!

On Wednesday, we drove over to Kellogg Idaho, to attend Amanda's Aunt Nancy's funeral. It was a Catholic funeral and while I have been to more than my fair share of funerals, I've never experienced a Catholic one. I didn't know what to expect but I wasn't expecting that. While it was a nice service, it was rushed. The Priest apparently knew before hand that not a lot of the attendees were of the Catholic persuasion so he was trying to hurry it along. Somehow, I feel that's cheating Aunt Nancy. She was Catholic, she deserves the kind of service she would have wanted. That was my first annoyance. 

My second was that on the way over, Amanda's Mom, in formed us that her Aunt Sandy had heard that we are getting married. Sandy hates gay people. She won't even acknowledge that her own female-to-male- trans Grandson is, in fact, trans, and in a same sex relationship. Well, she apparently spouted that even if we did invite her, she wouldn't go. Amanda's Aunt Lola said "That's fine Sandy, because you're not invited." Which of course pissed Sandy off because she wasn't going to get the opportunity to snub us. So she took it out on us at the funeral. She sat directly behind us and shot us dirty looks. It was so bad, I could feel it. Then, in the dining hall for luncheon, she hurried over to tell us that she was sitting next to Amanda's parents and that we couldn't sit there, as we were pulling out chairs to sit. Amanda and I simply smiled and told her "Okay". Since by that time there weren't any tables left, we found spare chairs and sat down to eat. I told Amanda that she did that on purpose. Amanda agreed. The church staff saw us sitting in a corner, at the back of the room, and found a table for us and Amanda's autistic cousin Amber- who is a sweet and very innocent girl. 

Well, as we were eating lunch with her cousin, one of Amanda's older, adult cousins was standing behind her and just looking at Amanda like she was the most disgusting thing on the planet. No, I am not exaggerating. This man, last I was told, still will not speak to his gay daughter. It is appalling. To make matters worse, he decided to poke at poor Amber. Her mother and Aunt Nancy didn't get along and so Amber's Mom chose to stay home and baby sit for one of Amber's older siblings. Well Amanda;s older male cousin kept asking her where her mom was. Amber got so upset and told him to stop. I have never seen her so upset. He just laughed and walked away. If I had not been at a funeral, I would have ripped him apart, but I have far too much respect for Nancy and for Amanda's Mother to cause more drama than there already had been with Nancy's kids.

Also, while we were at the funeral, two of Amanda's family member decided to take the opportunity to inform us that they WOULD be at our wedding or tell us "I had BETTER be invited".  Excuse me?! We were at a funeral. It wasn't about us, it was about Aunt Nancy. Furthermore, why the hell would we invite people who never speak to us on a normal day, who we barely know, and wouldn't have anything to do with if they weren't family? Amanda and I think they just want to come as spectators, like we are the freaks in a freak show and they want to spread the sensational event as gossip at drunken family events. No thank you! They can just fuck right on off. We don't want and or need that kind of bullshit at something we hold very scared and personal, nor do we need people snicker or bad mouthing it later on. 

Normally this kind of crap wouldn't bother me so much, but the way in which they did this, and that it was at a funeral, really got to me. By the time we left, I felt very alienated. My depression monster took my hand and led me down a dark spiral. It's bad enough that I am a lesbian and that hurts my Grandma. She doesn't know I am Pagan but if she did, it might just kill her because she is so Christian and is terrified that I won't be with her in Heaven someday. She's said as much when I was younger and she was worried about my parents not going to church. Anyway, so I won't be able to share this with her. The only relatives I will have, will be my parents. My cousin Shi-chan can't make it. But what really got me, is that none of my friends have even bothered to say "congrats". I don't need them to come, I know money is tight for nearly everyone, but if I can remember to get on facebook and tell them happy birthday, wouldn't it stand that a little recognition that I'm getting married be a given? Perhaps not. 

There is one friend from my high school days who has contacted me to tell me that she would love to come to my wedding. At first I was excited at the prospect but realized that I wasn't going to have room for her and I wasn't going to ask my friends here to house her. She's a bit strange and recently judgemental. She used to be pagan but became a born again chrisitan. That didn't really bother me until she started talking shit about gay people and their right to get married. She was very against. So when I asked if that meant that I was a bad person and if she didn't like me anymore, she said, "not you, you;re okay." I about flipped my shit. You don't get to pick and choose which gay people get married and which don't or for that matter which gays are okay and which ones aren't. 

Anyway, I spoke to Amanda about her coming and despite all the anti-gay stuff, the uber christian stuff, I still wanted to see my friend. Amanda and I decided that since we don't really have the room for her for the wedding, she could come for a visit after the wedding and that way we could truly hang out. I mean she's the first friend from back home that has actually wanted to come visit me. But when I told my friend that, she replied with "a visit is different from a wedding. I am okay with crashing on sofas or the floor". Are you fucking kidding me? that sounds like she just wants to come see a freak wedding and not actually spend any real time with me and Amanda at all. I'm trying to look at it as she just worded it wrong. She did say that she would have to talk her her husband about it, but honestly at this point, with everything. No, just no. I don't have time for this. 

But that's the negative stuff. The positive is that our friend Rachel came over last night to begin helping me with my bolero jacket for the wedding. We didn't actually get much done, but we did go and exchange the pattern I had for a bigger one and discuss what I wanted. I also bought some fall hand soap from the fabric store. It was on a 5 for $5 deal and I freaking love that stuff! We took Tsuki along because she needed some fabric quarters and some teal embroidery thread. She also wanted to grab some food. 

The other good and positive wedding thing is that Amanda has started the framework for our handfasting ceremony. I haven't really been in the right mid set to help her much, but I saw what she had this morning and I'm starting to get there. I need to write my vows and see if there is anything else I want, like a poem or a reading of some kind, to be read during the ceremony. I am not sure what I want yet. 

Lastly, I have a picture of one of the invitations I made. They aren't spectacular, but we like them. I blurred out some things in the bottom picture, so I'd maintain a bit more privacy. You understand.  

    

   

Mild productivity, invitations, wedding stuff, and written role play

As Amanda's and my wedding day looms closer and closer, we're starting to feel the pressure. We've both had a couple of nightmares about things not being done. I still have sewing to do, some addresses to gather so we can finish sending out invitations, and quite a few things left to make. While we'd like to invite everyone we love and adore, because of lack of space to for people to stay and the fact that we are trying to pull this off on a sorely tiny budget (Amanda's income), we have to keep the guest list very small. However, a friend mentioned recording the event, so if that does happen, I will be able to share that video so people who can't attend can still see it. 

Budget and keeping the guest list small aside, we've run into a few minor issues. The first being that we've had a hell of a time finding a cake topper. Being in same sex relationship, we wanted two female figures and we wanted it to be along the Gothic/Fantasy theme. We toyed with getting D&D figures to paint. We tossed around some idea for making them ourselves. And then we stumbled on "Sisters", a figure cast from the picture above, from Selena French. We both really like her art and while purple isn't one of our colors, it is pale enough and runs along our theme enough, that we decided this was our best option. We aren't sisters, obviously, but it doesn't matter. It is two females and we fell in love with it pretty instantly. 

The second was figuring out a guest book. I wanted something unique that we could display. A vlogger I follow on Youtube used a globe of the world. I wanted something that would tie into out theme, and decided why not a skull. Amanda was keen on the idea and so we waited until the Halloween decor came out to begin our search. We found a black polyresin at Michaels and bought silver sharpies for people to sign it with. 

I really wanted to make the invitations myself to keep costs down. But there I ran into another problem. Amanda and I couldn't agree on some mock ups I made on the computer. She wanted something 3-D. So we played with some ideas and finally agreed on one. Unfortunately I don't have one to show at the moment, they are all sealed up. However, I did hand deliver a couple to some very close friends so I will try to get a picture of one of theirs next time I am at their house. I, of course, sent one to my parents, mostly to see if my handmade black envelopes with silver shaprie lettering would go through the mail. It did, so that's a relief.  I've finished making the invites today and am waiting on a couple addresses. As soon as we get more stamps, they will be in the mail.
 We still have much to do, but things are beginning to come together, and while I am having kind of crap day, I'm being mildly productive, so that is something. 

My depression monster is being a rife bitch. I think it's mostly the pain talking today, but I'm also dealing with a lack of self esteem, and some guilt (Amanda says my guilt is as if I'm a Catholic school girl with a Jewish mother. Seriously, I apologize for nearly everything). I was outside earlier this morning, frustrated over physical pain, something I said last night, frustrated that I was frustrated, and half a dozen other things, when the thought "I must have been a real bastard" in a past life hit me. This is not an uncommon thought. Since I seem to keep having this though, I tried to turn it on itself and figure out what lessons I'm being taught by the situations I've had and issues I am facing/dealing with. Humility? I think I'm pretty humble all ready. I thought about a couple of other things that kind of took a negative turn, so I left it for another time. The point was to turn it into a positive. 

I think I have mentioned that Amanda is doing a written role play with me. She's trying to get back into writing and I'm trying to keep writing. It has been a really long time since we have done one together and we missed it, I think. We are keeping it light, semi-fluffy, and keeping it 'no pressure'. We post when we can and want to post, which is really helpful. So far it's been pretty fun. My character is an epileptic, very particular, semi-ocd, introverted college senior and nerd. Her's is a dashing, young, college literary instructor with sad and wounded past. So far so good, we are both really enjoying where the story is going.        

The lists, the cats, a tattoo idea, and eclipse.

My Dad used to tell me to "expect the worst and hope for the best". He also used to tell me that "this is as good as it gets, so you got to suck it up and get on with your life". My Dad struggles with depression and anxiety and I doubt it was easy for him to see his daughter going through the same and reporting that it hurt to wear her clothes and that even her hair hurt. We didn't know about fibromyalgia back when I was in high school and it wasn't until my Senior year that I was diagnosed with depression. Dad was working 40-80 hr work weeks, on call, and was worrying over my Mom. It was the sagest advice he could muster. 

Sadly, its all true, except for when I can't get on with my life. The world keeps moving when I fall down and then I'm stuck playing catch up when I can get back on my feet. I hate it. Lately, despite the happy fact that I am getting married, that the drama over whether or not my parents would come is thankfully over, I've hit a wall. The world keeps moving, like it always does, and I'm caught behind a glass wall watching.  I realized sometime last week, as I looked at the state of my house, that I need help pure and simple. Amanda is working overtime, I'm exhausted, hurting, or just don't have the spoons to rev my 'get up and go' engine. I hate that I can't vacuum the living room without hurting myself. I hate that I can't effectively advocate for myself at the doctors office. I hate that I can't be functional enough to go out, get even a part time job so I can help Amanda with the bills and so we have more options in regards to buying a house.  Most of all, I hate how much its eating me up inside, the panic attacks on the bedroom floor, and so on. 

But, the other day, when I was taking an hour- if I am honest it was two- for self care and perusing pinterest, I came across a quote from Jane Austin: I am half agony, half hope. I thought, that's me in a nut shell. I agonize over what I can't do anymore, what I'm not anymore, and hope that I can turn it all around and have better days. I decided that I am getting it tattooed on me somewhere, in the near future with the the semicolon below it, because that too is me. 

On to happier things.

I have a lot to do today. 

1. I have a few errands to run.

2. I need compile the final list of wedding invitations and get them ready to send out. Amanda wants to add a couple more people from work. 

3. I need to take stupid paper work to the apartment management office (the bastards).

4. And I need to clean up my kitchen so I can make dinner tonight.

5. I also need at least a half hour nap because I feel like shit and want to have a tiny energy boost before I head out. 

6. I also need to place an order on amazon for a special sewing ruler.

I took Amanda to work this morning and the two places two places I need to go still aren't open yet. 

This week's list is:

1. Compile a list of what is left to get for the wedding.

2. Clean the bathroom

3. Find a coat hook thing for the wall (I want something specific) and possibly a bench we can sit on to put on shoes and store shoes under that I can actually reach under.

4. Keep editing stories.

5. Keep the cats from breaking any more dishes. 

Speaking of my adorable balls of fur, both of them have been so sweet and cuddly the last couple of days. Narcisa has been playing more, wanting more attention, and has generally been in a better mood. Thorin has always been an attention seeker but lately he's been talking a lot more. Mostly he wants more food in his bowl- despite the fact that he nearly always has some still in it, but sometimes he's just talking to get my attention as if to say "I'm awake now and I'm coming to find you for love and cuddles". This morning I awoke to one of his favorite toys on my pillow. While I was trying to wake Amanda for work, he was playing on my Vanity and discovered the press lights I'd purchased to put around my mirror so I'd have more light for make up. As you can imagine I was a little spooked when I heard a strange clicking noise, saw flashing lights, and me not being completely awake, had a scary notion of ailen abduction for the briefest moment- at least until I realized what was what. 

Thorin is also getting quite resourceful. He still doesn't cover his poop with cat litter yet he knows he needs to cover it. So he has taken to pulling down clean towels or laundry left on the floor, into the cat box. Neither he nor Narcisa soil it, which is a blessing, but still eww. On top of that, he's decided to start pulling tissue or the wrappers from pads from the trash can to cover his ick. I can't really get too upset over it, he is trying, just not the right way. 

Lastly, I hope those who could see the eclipse, got to see it. We were supposed to go over to a friends house to spend the night and see it, but Amanda's Aunt Nancy died this weekend. So, we nixed those plans, because Amanda had to work the day of the eclipse too and we were both too tired to drive that far. Well, Sunday a friend here in town invited me over to watch it with them, and well, I thought okay, it's not that far, and I could go home when I needed too. 

It was a nice quiet, viewing affair. I was so tired that I didn't have my usual nerdy gusto for things space related, plus prior to the eclipse the sun was bright and brutal on my eyes, lol. But I still enjoyed it. I am sad to say that once we were inside the house, I crashed hard on my friend's sofa. I woke up for a little bit and then crashed out again. Apparently, they tried to wake me to see if I would take one of them to the store and found the not-awake-conversation with me hilarious. I don't remember the conversation. Anyway, because it was also a new moon that night, one of our friends wanted to do a fertility ritual. She's trying to have a baby. Amanda and I helped with the spell and headed home because we were both exhausted. However, I did make a spell candle, funnel some intent and energy into it, and have been lighting it off and on for them to help. No, I don't think it is overkill. I think anything and everything that can help will help.

I love my rock.

Last night I was a little bit manic. I could not shut up! 

Generally speaking I am quiet and I prefer to listen and observe more than I like to talk. This works in my favor when visiting with Amanda's Mom because she is truly a chatty Cathy. There are occasions that I get heated or excited about something and can be as chatty as the next person. However, there is a difference between that and a manic episode. 

I didn't used to have these. I'm not sure exactly when I began having, sometime right before the hysterectomy, probably about the time shit hit the fan. They haven't gone away but I haven't had them that often either and I have told Amanda that I don't mind them that much, I usually get a lot of things done when they come, and being productive always makes me feel better. 

Well, not so much last night. Amanda was trying to do something on my computer (since hers isn't working) and I just kept talking. I apologized, but nearly every thought that came to my head made its way out of my mouth too. Eventually, I dozed off, and she was able to get some stuff done.

Today, when I woke up, I felt distracted, unfocused, and like I was ready to jump out of my skin. Everything seemed rush rush rush for no reason. This isn't the cloudy or unfocused feeling I get from the fibromyalgia, that feels like an unfocused slow drag where I can't seem to completely wake up despite being full awake. So, needless to say I was a bit unsettled when I was trying to get some things done. 

Eventually I'd had enough. Sitting still and meditating didn't really appeal to me and I had this notion that I might need to try grounding myself. So I googled "grounding gemstones" to see if I had any. I, in fact, do. I have hematite and jasper. Since my hematite is in the bedroom, I grabbed the jasper out of my gemstone bag and just held it.  I also put on quiet, ambient background music, and went about doing some things. 

It helped. I think it works better when I hold it in my hands- right now it is tucked in my bra so I can type and still have skin contact with it. I'm still manic but being able to focus on one thing at a time is such a relief.